Do we still have to lean in if Dave Goldberg is dead?
After three days of silence on the cause of death for Dave Goldberg, the New York Times has changed their story in the span of seven hours, some mysterious source said collapsed while exercising. Then a leak to the Associated Press said head trauma. If we were in an Agatha Christie mystery, I’d say heart attack.
But we are in the real world, and I don’t believe any of it.
My uncle committed suicide. His son hid in the closet while my uncle shot himself in the head. His son saw everything.
I didn’t know this until 20 years later. Everyone in my family thought the uncle had a heart attack shoveling snow. Every time my dad went out to shovel snow, my mom would say, “Be careful! I don’t want you to have a heart attack.”
The first thing my brother did when he saw my post about Dave Goldberg killing himself was send a reminder of our uncle. We still can’t believe how long the family thought he died shoveling snow. Family secrets are powerful. And effective.
So it seems pretty easy to me for Dave’s family to tell everyone a lie.
A reporter from CNN called me this morning. He asked me what the motive would be for Sheryl to lie about the cause of death.
Are you kidding me? The fact that CNN can’t dream up a motive really blows my mind.
Sheryl has made her husband, Dave, the role model for the perfect husband. She has said many times that the most important factor in her success was the husband she chose. And as late a week ago, she was saying that men need to do more, they are not doing enough, they need to take more responsibility. And, again, she held up her husband as an example.
It’s hard to be put in the spotlight as the world’s best dad and world’s best husband. Dave had one of the hardest roles in public life to maintain. He was CEO of a company where the investors were dumping stock, and Sheryl made people believe Dave was perfect – a poster boy for the family guy.
So then, I would like to know why was he on vacation in Mexico without Sheryl and without the kids? What was it a vacation from? Who was he with?
Why was Sheryl in DC instead of going to get the body? Why was Sheryl in DC instead of home with her kids? Why does Dave take a vacation when Sheryl is scheduled to be gone?
I wouldn’t ask so many questions except that Sheryl keeps telling me to lean in, but she doesn’t tell me how she does it. I ended up spending my 401K on household help, scaling back my career, and taking my kids on business trips that were magical at first and a bore thereafter.
Sheryl tells me she can lean in because she has a husband who is perfect, but it’s hard to believe because in the time she’s been married to him, he’s gained a lot of weight. And we all know that gaining that much weight is a sign of serious problems.
She tells me she and her husband try to make sure one of them is home with the kids, but it’s not what we have seen in the last five days. She doesn’t tell us if she has nannies. She doesn’t tell us how often she is away from her kids. All she tells us is that leaning in depends on her husband.
So can she lean in now? Can you lean in if you don’t have the perfect husband? What if it’s too late to get the perfect husband? She doesn’t address that, but maybe she will now. I have a feeling that the spokesperson for high-flying careers is going to get a lot more informative and helpful now that she’s a single mom. All the money in the world can’t buy a substitute for a parent showing up to kiss a skinned knee.
But first she needs to stop misleading us. It’s misleading to refuse to talk about how much household help she has. It’s misleading to not talk about what she gives up with her kids, since all decisions in life are about choosing what to give up. It’s misleading to tell us she has a perfect husband and not address the cause of his huge weight gain.
Most of all, it’s misleading to ignore pleas for the cause of death for three days and then come up with something that is pretty difficult to confirm. And I can tell you, coming from a family of people who are misleading, that it’s a way of life once you start.
That doesn’t justify waiting three days to announce cause of death, and it doesn’t justify the misinformation she’s been spreading the last three years to push her own agenda.
That said I’m not sure it matters anymore how Dave died. Maybe he did die of a heart attack. It’s a fine line between a heart attack and a suicide. Heart attack is purely a disease of lifestyle. It is preventable. So Dave Goldberg died from a being totally out of control in his life from stress, or he died from depression that got out of control. Either way, Sheryl and Dave had nowhere near the perfect marriage that we heard about nonstop from Sheryl.
What matters is that we might all get relief from Sheryl painting a picture of the perfect family, refusing to divulge pertinent information about how that family actually works, and shaming everyone who do not lean in the way she does.
Arianna Huffington is on a book tour right now telling women to forget about having it all and instead get some sleep. I have a feeling that Sheryl will be on a book tour in similar fashion. But, like Arianna, Sheryl will have to wait until her kids go to college, because taking care of kids is a lot of work.
A couple of things to quell some of the random (and semi-paranoid) questions. I don’t know the people involved but this wild speculation has gotten out-of-hand!
1 – Goldberg and wife are Jewish. It is tradition in that community to bury the dead as soon as possible. Meaning, the same or next day is not unheard of. So, it makes perfect sense that Sandberg would fly back to Calif the next day. There is MUCH to do to arrange for these services. It also isn’t Jewish custom to cremate so you have to find a resting place. Can’t imagine at their youngish ages they had already decided that.
2- The later news reports say they were staying at a private resort called Palmasola. Here’s the website: http://www.palmasola.net/details.htm
It is a private compound with many buildings. It has 9 bedroom total and can probably sleep at least 20-25 people. It seems that it rents out as a whole not by individual building. It’s intended for large family gatherings, groups, etc. There is a gym on that compound, described like this – Fitness Center: Elliptical trainer, Treadmill, Hand weights, Workout Bench and exercise mats. There’s even a small pic of that gym room in the Brochure PDF. So, if his demise occurred as described, it was likely in that on-site small gym where he was working out by himself.
Here is where the confusion can exist. Scroll to the bottom of that website. It says, “At the Four Seasons Resort”. But if you see this map it is actually adjacent to it but is a privately owned/managed entity only with some priviledges to use the Four Seasons.
http://www.palmasola.net/overview.htm#prettyPhoto/1/ You could argue that Palmasola is a little bit cheeky using the word “At”.
So, the Four Seasons declaring he was not registered with them nor did the accident happen on their premises would be a correct statement. And they would have no right to say ANYTHING else, it is not their place to.
Hey Penelope (and other media outlets trying to create traffic to their websites over a sad death of a man too young) – what’s up? You aren’t able to do a little internet research?
If he really was traveling with his family, how is it no one wondered about his whereabouts until 7pm, when he went to work out at 4pm and they always ALWAYS had dinner with the kids at 5:30 when they could.
I find it sort of disturbing how people are so proud of not “leaning in”. If career success is not for you – that’s okay, plenty of wonderful people aren’t career oriented. But tearing down people who are, especially as parents, shows you aren’t those wonderful people. At my job, I know many incredibly successful people who are also devoted parents and spouses. Just because you can’t manage it, doesn’t mean everyone is like you.
Why the personal insults just because someone disagrees with how to achieve career success? You sound petty and passive-aggressive, traits which aren’t usually a fixture of those who truly manage their lives well.
Wow. There’s something wrong with you. You owe Dave and Cheryl and their families a huge apology.
Sheryl, I mean. Sorry for the typo.
I suspect that every single comment on this blog calling Penelope mentally ill, saying that Penelope lacks taste for raising these questions, and every single comment that says Penelope is jealous of Sheryl Sandberg — are paid shills defending the myth of Sheryl Sandberg or her late husband. They must come from one of the following entities: Sheryl’s her publishing company, the charity which Sheryl founded, Sheryl’s agents (who book her speaking engagements), Sheryl’a private publicists which guard Sheryl’s reputation and fights off any attacks that contradict’s Sheryl’s message of, “I can run a company like Facebook, be a mother, and have a great marriage, all at the same time, therefore so can you!”), or her late husband’s company, or her late husband’s family’s private publicists. All comments calling Penelope jealous of Sheryl Sandberg are especially laughable — there are too many Penelope Trunk essays where PT details how she would not choose to be in Sheryl Sandberg’s shoes because she knows the truth … there is no way Sheryl is spending very much time with her children if she is the COO of Facebook and traveling to promote her book.
Bingo.
Yes.
What I take away from this news story are two things:
1) how crazy those ap and nyt stories read with a single sentence in them saying the hotel denied the event. ( Period). What were the readers supposed to do with that?? These aren’t tabloids.
To be a fly on the wall in those editors offices this weekend. Of course people were going to wonder what the story was.
2) we live in an American culture of workaholism that we revere compared to other countries. We also live in a culture that worships youthfulness and denies us the ability to age easily, particularly in the spotlight. These two things are apparently not particularly compatible our human mortality. I’ve known too many people die young in their forties already. We need to add some element of joie de vivre and an ability to pause and pace ourselves to our culture. This is a reality check, that even the wealthiest of them all are mortal and fallible too.
There’s a good nyt article this past weekend about how a third of workaholics are “faking it”, or more tactfully, figuring out how to work 50 hours a week while looking like they’re working 80. So it’s already happening. And gen x any y care less about the rat race as well, compared to the boomers, preferring quality of life.
This is what makes Penelope’s blog often interesting and timely. I could never with the openness that she writes with. But theres often some reflection of us and our society that resonates with what we’re feeling.
This is a brave and bold post. I went to HBS where Sheryl went, and saw her speak there. My friend said “how is she so toned and perfect with no visible pantyline?” My wise friend then added, “when you are leaning in, what are you leaning away from?” My friend and I have now both raised our families. We know the real sacrifices it takes. We are both successful by conventional standards, but are like slugs compared with her. Yet we organized our lives to have had a parent around usually – sometimes us, sometimes our husbands. And it was really hard. And every day was not bliss and happiness. And sometimes we got treated like crap at work no matter how much we leaned in.
Her Facebook posts constantly show her in different countries. There is never mention of household help. Two people cannot have careers at this level and be around. That is just reality. She sets a very high standard, which is fine, but doesn’t reveal what maintaining that standard takes. What entourage does it take to have this lifestyle?
Agree with you Penelope. She was selling an agenda. And she wasn’t honest about what it really takes. That is not empowering, it is discoraging. We need more dialogue about how to manage careers, motherhood, marriage, etc. in an honest way and what needs to change to make it easier for more people to contribute in their careers while being able to have a family. And how it is likely that this will still take significant sacrifice, but that it can be worth it. We still lack role models because it is too hard to be honest. It is easier to sell a dream. The truth is much messier. Huge shoutout for your continued brutal honesty. There isn’t enough of it, and maybe that’s why things haven’t really changed.
Very interesting. From what people have said here, she was leaning ON her own mother quite a bit. And no doubt nannies and tutors and housekeepers, but all these women workers are hidden and un-heralded. Are the male relatives putting in as much childcare, are the domestic cleaners and nannies 50% male?
In a similar situation that has bugged me on twitter recently, rich young Saudi girls complain about their situation yet they travel all the time, go to college for free and have female maids and other servants that they barely acknowledge. One even said “as a Saudi woman I obviously cannot exploit anyone” but we know imported domestic workers in KSA are ubiquitous. Certainly a rich family would have several yet these people living in her own house are never mentioned, or rarely, in their tweets. These poor women have few rights and can work as many hours as the employer wants. It’s a terrible situation and they are often beaten and scapegoated, there are something like 15 Filipino maids on death row.
Penelope, I loved the honesty of this post. The raw emotions and twisted logic that really may have some truth to it. No marriage is perfect especially between two very successful executives who work long hours. A man can go through the motions and “lean in” but at the end of the day what are you going to think about on your death bed? Will you think about the empire that you built or the regret that you didn’t spend enough time with your spouse and kids? That’s the question I ask myself every day.
I also find the story and it’s twists and turns a bit odd especially that fact that Dave was overweight and on the treadmill in the first place. This man doesn’t look like he spends much time on a treadmill but maybe he was turing a new leaf.
I have a wonderful husband but struggle with how much he should lean in. He certainly does, but it’s never 50/50. We’re both self employed, we travel around the world with our toddler, we love our kids together, but sometimes I wish I did have the luxury to work harder and longer hours. When I get depressed about the inner battle between working more hours and the stress of a family, my toddler gives me the cutest smile I stop and think about how blessed I am to have been there to whiteness it.
I only hope that once this tragedy is sorted out, that Sandberg will come forth with her truth and be open to evolving as a mother and business woman. Life is too short and at the end of the day Sheryl may have a bigger house and more money in the bank but she’s still human. God bless.
At the very least the family seems to be controlling how the story is told publicly. That’s not unusual. But Penelope is suggesting that the family is not telling the truth about how this unfortunate man died – and that the major news outlets are not pursuing it further. Let’s say this is true – is she then suggesting that the press – all outlets – are actively suppressing the story? How exactly would this be done? I’m after a real practical explanation, not a general statement about cabals. I mean, it is near impossible to keep a secret like this these days.
Okay please find out for us
1. was Sheryl with him when he died?
2. Where were the children?
3. How old are the children?
4. was an autopsy done in the US?
Now isn’t it odd that “in this day and age” you cannot find out the answer to any of those questions about a public figure? No, I don’t know how they do it but it scares the crap out of me that they can.
Look how many people responded to this article. This means that they know something we don’t and have had experiences where suicides or murders or suspicious deaths are presented as “accidents”. Or..they know something about rich people and their ability to cover up suicides, overdoses, homicides…as accidents. Or…they have no life and simply like to diss on people they don’t like.
I know Silicon Valley and I agree there are some unsavory people who have moved there, or have come to power. I do not deny that. The good ole days of solid engineering innovations are over. But if investigation has not turned up anything then one must deem something as an accident. Has an investigation been launched?
Ms Sandberg survived a major SF plane crash and her experiences posted on Facebook did help raise Facebook value. But if you don’t have information on the following then do not speculate:
Does she have a differences in business with people who’d want to see her hurt or her husband hurt? Does she have debt people don’t know about? Does she have a secret lover who wanted the husband to go? Was her husband having an affair and she wanted him to go? Was there some family money dispute? Was there some robber in the area? Was he all smiles outside and support to his wife but deep down he was depressed badly? Does she have a reputation to protect so any bad death or controversial one would have to be covered up? If you don’t know the answers then don’t speculate.
If you don’t know anything then don’t speculate. It is all in bad taste….unless some investigation reveals something.
Best wishes to Ms Sandberg. I do not know her, have not read her book, but she sounds successful and her husband sounds almost perfect except for the overweight.
Best wishes to all…
Penelope,
You have to stop with the fake positive comments. You are going to get caught and it will further deteriorate your reputation.
You screwed up. You need to apologize and atone for your cruel last 2 posts by removing them and waiting until you’ve had time to reflect and give the poor woman time to grieve.
Seriously, not cool.
You are a garbage human who clearly has a terrible life that you deserve. I hope every loss you experience in your life is filled with people mocking you, your life choices, and even what happened. You are garbage.
I’m a little confused at all the outrage on these two posts. If anyone has read Penelope’s blog for any length of time, they know that she has never been a fan of Team Lean In. She’s mentioned it many times, how difficult it is to raise children, have a household and more than full-time job. That’s it.
And now with the unfortunate death of Sheryl Sandberg’s husband the question in Penelope’s mind is, well, how does it work now? It’s a reasonable question. Suddenly, Ms Sandberg is a single mom. She will have single mother problems presumably. She will have to face things that regular people have to face, so how will she do it?
I think Penelope is asking then for the evidence she needs to pursue the Lean In philosophy. Because if Ms. Sandberg can do it, well then we all can, correct?
Maybe Penelope is holding herself to a higher standard. But we all have to understand where Ms. Sandberg is starting so we can adequately evaluate ourselves. Because if we don’t have essentially stay at home dads, nannies for all situations, virtually unlimited money, then how can we even begin to Lean In as Ms Sandberg has?
It’s a perfectly good question to ask. It may be a bit too soon to ask granted, but the question is valid.
BTW, I don’t think Penelope cares two rips about clicks, she’s just stating her opinion.
I count myself among the outraged because public figure or not, it’s incredibly rude to kick someone when they are down. And the questions are rhetorical and full of spite. It’s like Penelope is saying “haha, your husband’s dead, how you gonna lean in NOW, Sheryl?” I mean really. I’d say about 80% of the people responding (and no, we aren’t paid shills for Team Lean In, see twitter) are disgusted with these posts because we have a basic sense of human decency that it’s wrong to blame a woman’s choices for her husband’s death.
I’ve lived in the Bay Area and have a cousin who works at FB. These people are extraordinary – they are in the top .0001% in human capacity. But also Palo Alto isn’t NY – and it is not a farm an hour away from a major city. It’s easy to get around, every thing is pretty close…it’s just an easier life all around. if you are an extraordinary human living in Palo Alto, it’s possible to do what they did. It is stupid to compare ourselves to them – and that’s not the point of Lean In, however smug Sheryl Sandberg may seem.
How will she do it now? Duh, she probably won’t.
I am in no way trying to excuse the post’s timing. I immediately thought, oh no…it’s too soon for questions like this.
I’m really, really sorry for Ms. Sandberg and her family; no one wants to lose a husband and father. It’s tragic.
But maybe I just don’t read these posts in the same way. Are they ill-timed? In my opinion, yes. Are they mean and spiteful? In my opinion, no.
All I was saying was that while these two posts certainly lack sensitivity, they might have been written purely to provoke a conversation we still aren’t having; and that is, if women are to Lean In, what do we need to do it? It’s not just a lack of desire or want-to. There’s more, and the more is what she was after.
But Kaneesha, what do you mean this conversation isn’t being had? My friends and I talk about this all the time. When Lean In first came out, there was a torrent of postings on facebook about how unrealistic the perspective is, and how privileged. It’s obvious to us that we won’t be the world leaders we hoped to be if we choose to have kids and aren’t millionaires. It’s also obvious that we HAVE to lean in because few of us can survive in a single-income household, and we aren’t interested in, “doing a start-up. “The thing is, everyone writes from their own vantage point– Sheryl, Penelope, Oprah, Steven Covey, freaking Tim Ferris. Just because Sheryl Sandberg can’t empathize with the average woman and often comes across as kind of obnoxious, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have valid points about what it’s like to be a woman in a male-dominated workplace, or about the need for more female leadership. I think what she really means by “lean in” is “give yourself some credit and pay attention to your life.”
And anyway, plenty of women I know are leaning in quite well. Their blueprint is to be professors, have professor husbands, be free-lance consultants, put their kids in daycare, tolerate a messy house, and marry feminist husbands who don’t expect them to do all the cooking/cleaning.
My point is the conversation about what it really takes is happening all over the place, including on this blog– to suggest that this post somehow is provocative and encourages a conversation that isn’t being had is to be an apologist for this blog, when the timing of the blog was everything to Penelope.
If the only option these women have to ‘lean into their career’ is to put their kids in daycare, they aren’t really following the mantra or understanding it.
Yeah throwing kids in daycare while women bask in their careers means kids are getting the crap side of the deal. There’s nothing to admire about a person who won’t be with their own kids, by choice. If they don’t want to be with their kids, what makes them think hired strangers are going to care about their kids. Total disconnect from nature and self.
Ms Aurora, you make many great points. My friends and I also have these conversations. We want families and careers. Except without putting our kids in daycare, without sacrificing the 50+ hour workweeks. All of my friends are already professional, but our personal lives have suffered for it.
Sandberg makes many fantastic points as well. We can all agree she has worked incredibly hard to get where she is. But the conversations my friends and I, are your friends are you are having are not necessarily conversations being had at large.
We women are still being told we can and should strive for it all, and it’s simply not possible. If you read Penelope’s homeschooling blog you know she agonizes over her decision to keep her kids home and sacrifice her career even for that little bit. So many women do not want to put their kids in daycare. So many women can’t have the career they are capable of because they don’t have nannies or fantastic career-sacrificing dads to take over the child-rearing; so many women don’t want to work 50-60 hour weeks. It’s not possible.
I truly, honestly think that’s what Penelope was getting at. You can’t say she’s been sitting on these posts. He died, she reacted.
We are a little more socially sensitive than Penelope is, and that’s fine. But there’s no way she could have predicted this poor man’s death. I think she feels that now will be a good test to see if the Lean In mantra is as sustainable and possible as it once was for Ms. Sandberg.
K,
Ive said it before on here: reason Sheryl can have her massive career is because her parents watch their kids. OK?
I actually don’t know any families personally that have a successful mother and an intact family (key thing) that do not have grandparents actively helping with childcare.
That’s the point you and your friends are missing and it would be nice if Sheryl talked about that more. Dave mentions it in off handed interviews.
What a bitter, uneducated person you are. First of all, heart attacks are not purely a disease of lifestyle. My uncle recently passed away from a massive heart attack. He was a marathon runner, healthy, no signs of any heart dysfunction or illness. And many studies have shown that people often gain weight when they are content and happy.
What happened with your uncle is an instance of someone being fit yet obviously not that healthy because they have an insidiously developing heart disease. The running champ Jim Foxx from ages ago was also an example of that.
This is disgusting, Penelope. You should be ashamed of yourself.
This person was at their home for dinner before and blogged about it. The morning of Daves death at 11:13am he posts this https://www.facebook.com/MikeCernovich?fref=nf
Strange
I agree on one point–why do we mourn the death of the uber-wealthy? Dave Goldberg has had one of the best lives EVER.
I checked out an interview recently he had–he was totally stress-free, casual, relaxed, modest, and laughed continuously.
Our lives are totally stressful, we do not have the luxury of F/T nannies, we can barely make ends meet.
Bottom line: people die every single day, from all classes.
I care much more deeply about a baby dying from starvation or a baby dying, period, than about a very well-fed, uber-wealthy businessman dying on vacation whilst on a private resort, exercising.
Of course there is the human element to this–his children now left fatherless, his wife, now a single mom.
But their “struggle” will not be ours, ladies and gentlemen.
If one of our spouses die, our family is probably ruined economically. You know, destroyed.
I cannot fault Goldberg for his massive success, and more importantly, luck.
But looking at this case realistically–a rich business elite dies on vacation. BFD
Thank you. I am baffled by all the hero/ine worship of a rich family who provides our personal information to the NSA.
Yes it is very discouraging and does not bode well for our future I’m afraid.
What is wrong with you? I mean, are you evil?
I would be upset if someone I knew died. I don’t know David. I can say from afar, “That sucks for the people who loved him.” But that is about as far as it goes for me.
If someone dies who is youngish, extemely-wealthy and who is married to the #2 bigshot for biggest publicly-condoned Big Brother tool in existence, then hell yes I speculate.
People that are spazzing about Penelope starting a dialog about David being gone must feel awfully and strangely close to celebrities or the extreme-wealthy–something to which I cannot relate.
Sure they are people too, but I am sure the people who love them will handle all the grieving and we can continue with our lives–including discussing pop culture, mainstream group-think and how some of us want to take a less-taken road.
I get sickened when people state, “Shame on you.” As if Penelope killed the guy herself. As if Penelope was saying she was glad he is dead. She is being a voice to those of us who aren’t buying the bull shit.
I wouldn’t go to Sheryl’s website and “shame” her or rip her for saying whatever she says. I don’t buy into her message so I don’t click over. Why are all these haters coming to one individual’s blog to send her horrible messages? I don’t get it.
I don’t know how workaholics with a team of support staff really have time for being with loved ones. And if they do get facetime, touch time, likely they aren’t even “there” mentally, likely they are planning their next board meeting or project.
So while Sheryl lost her husband and her kids lost their dad, it seems like it would be more like losing a second cousin than immediate family (sure, still a loss of a relative). And for Sheryl, like the loss of one of her assistants. That is how I imagine it. Factual? No.
But reality is we humans can only can focus on so much at a time. We only can invest in, think about, be present with so many people at a time. Choices are made whether we consciously choose them or not. May we each choose that which we will feel good about all the way to our last days here.
Suicide for whatever reason is the most traumatic experience you can go through. I lost a brother to suicide. It took me a year to sleep through the night. I beg you guys PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for sake of the kids refrain from taking guesses. A person is gone, Sheryl might be horrible but please give the other members of the family a break. Suicide touches not just the spouse but everyone whoever came in touch with that person. So give a family (parents, siblings, kids) some time to catch their breath.
I beg you guys. The kids are going through hell. No need to have pages of speculation.
I didn’t think this was a private forum, is it?
Begging for privacy for a family that is public doesn’t make sense.
Their family made their lives public. They made their kids’ lives public. It was the parents’ responsibility to for-see their actions getting some sort questioning around the lifestyle they wanted so public, and it was/is their job to navigate how that initial foray into the limelight would effect the kids. This isn’t P’s doing, if that’s what you are getting at.
This post isn’t about grief, or loss or a vendetta. In fact, it’s nothing that has to do with any personal ‘feelings’. It’s about how to make a lifestyle work.
Information travels so fast now who knows when the right time to converse about topics is ‘appropriate’ anymore? When Sheryl releases a new book? Is it now on her timeline?
Common.
I”m sorry for what happened to your uncle, and I do think suicide isn’t spoken of openly enough. But attacking Sheryl Sandberg about the death of her husband, even if you are completely right about your conspiracy theory, is oddly vicious. I found Lean In to be frustrating and her judgement of women not in her circumstance was certainly a bit of obscene entitlement. But I do believe her intention was to encourage women, even if the way she did so was a bit demoralizing or annoying. It is just that projecting all of this hatred onto her is a bit, odd. Attacking her over the death of her husband is a bit soulless.
There is a difference in encouraging women who ask for it and then being a humble person that can be without instructing. It’s called being a ‘model’ = Do not tell, show. Be. Inspire those through action. If people want to know how she is a mom and a wife and an executive, time to get honest about not being there for the family because you chose to be at the board meeting (same thing goes for men).
How is something with the name, “LEAN IN.” not a bit condescending to the hardworking moms and women of the world? For real?
When I heard the title, I was shocked. But I guess it’s worked and made the $$ because women around me are constantly talking about how hard they are ‘leaning in’, when what they need to be doing is leaning out in some areas to be able to lean into the important ones. Sitting and taking instructions 24/7 and working real hard for someone that has the equity (like Sheryl) is not leaning in. Though, for her sake, she needs you to do just that. I’m talking high level tech women here. Ok? The people she is trying to preach to.
It’s for her own good, this message. Which is what is upsetting about the whole thing.
If anyone is following this line of thinking I read up some more today about her family.
Sheryl’s mother quit a PhD program to stay at home and raise Sheryl and her siblings, while her Doctor dad went to work. Her mother told her to achieve the things in work she wanted BEFORE having kids.
When Sheryl, doing as her mother wished, did these things and then had kids, her mother who was well versed in staying home to raise kids, stepped in to help raise the kids to continue her daughters legacy.
So, it’s not Sheryl, for all her hard work- it’s her mother’s wisdom and compassion. I think, if anything, Sheryl should be frank about this.
She should tell women to stop leaning in so their daughters will have the chance to become the next Sheryl, or ask the grandparents to move near their hard working children and watch the kids.
Unsubscribed.
Wow, biggest shitstorm in these parts since the thigh bruise photos. Looks like P can still bring it.
Anyway, a CEO billionaire in his 40s commits suicide? Yeah right, that happens all the time.
Sheryl’s Eulogy on facebook was beautiful. I am not a fan of the lean in message but that eulogy emphasized for me how much she must have loved her husband. Even though she may have to lean out a little more for her children now, just because her husband died does not mean there was something wrong with her marriage, that is pure speculation.
“I want to thank all of our friends and family for the outpouring of love over the past few days. It has been extraordinary – and each story you have shared will help keep Dave alive in our hearts and memories.
I met Dave nearly 20 years ago when I first moved to LA. He became my best friend. He showed me the internet for the first time, planned fun outings, took me to temple for the Jewish holidays, introduced me to much cooler music than I had ever heard.
We had 11 truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage, and truest partnership that I could imagine… He gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved – and I will carry that with me always. Most importantly, he gave me the two most amazing children in the world.
Dave was my rock. When I got upset, he stayed calm. When I was worried, he said it would be ok. When I wasn’t sure what to do, he figured it out. He was completely dedicated to his children in every way – and their strength these past few days is the best sign I could have that Dave is still here with us in spirit.
Dave and I did not get nearly enough time together. But as heartbroken as I am today, I am equally grateful. Even in these last few days of completely unexpected hell – the darkest and saddest moments of my life – I know how lucky I have been. If the day I walked down that aisle with Dave someone had told me that this would happen – that he would be taken from us all in just 11 years – I would still have walked down that aisle. Because 11 years of being Dave Goldberg’s wife, and 10 years of being a parent with him is perhaps more luck and more happiness than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful for every minute we had.
As we put the love of my life to rest today, we buried only his body. His spirit, his soul, his amazing ability to give is still with it. It lives on in the stories people are sharing of how he touched their lives, in the love that is visible in the eyes of our family and friends, in the spirit and resilience of our children. Things will never be the same – but the world is better for the years my beloved husband lived.”
How is this any different than what most women would say about husbands they cherished and loved? Why are we so emotionally connected to this couple we don’t know, and not to the thousands of children and families who die daily, people without the extreme luxuries and luck of the Sandbergs/Goldbergs? Is it because they’re hardworking (lots of people are)? Rich? White? I’m genuinely asking.
I can’t believe you wrote this. I used to respect you, even though I don’t read your blog, I did read your book and found it helpful. But to attack a woman who has just lost her husband and is left with 2 kids is depraved and heartless. I lost my father many years ago, and the pain is with me till today. Imagine the pain she is going through. How can you pile on in her darkest hour? Suppose her kids find this post one day? Have some compassion, think of the pain the would feel? Or are you enjoying this because you are envious of what Sheryl has? Newsflash- all men must die, it may be today or tomorrow, but it is inevitable
Okay, dears, here is the bottom line. I’ve figured it out, after reading many of the previous posts. You’ve all been such dolls, weighing in (pun intended) on the pros and cons of Penelope’s scrivening. I think there are really 2 separate things going on here: (1) the personal aspect that appears to have Penny’s knickers in a twist about ol’ Sheryl, and (2) the apparent dissembling re: cause of death. Yes, dear Penster, your personal excoriation is way o’er the top, and it’s time to cut it out, maybe even apologize: regardless of how you feel about Sweetcakes Sandberg, she just lost her beloved husband, fer cryin’ out loud. And she never done nothin’ to you. There’s just no call for dumping all over her, or for your rife, totally baseless ruminations about suicide, heart disease, stress, etc. As for the unclear (at best) reporting on cause of death, it soitainly seems warranted to dump on all those involved, since the likelihood of the death’s having happened as thus far “reported” is approximately 3.774% (go ahead, do the math yourself, if you don’t believe me). That’s indeed troubling. And the public soitainly has a legitimate interest, since these are/were very public figures w/ ginormous corporations and wealth involved. It is also kosher to demand that this poifect fambly come clean about the possibly very profound ways in which it ain’t so poifect after all–but only because of Sweetcakes’s book and self-proclaimed role as the latest revolutionary feminist. So, Penny, honey, let’s cool it on the unfounded speculation–which only makes you look like an unintelligent lady w/an embarrassing, unappealing agenda (i.e., an axe to grind). But by all means, keep truckin’ w/the cover-up rigmarole. You take care, now, y’hear?
You are one awful human being with no conscience. Where is your fact checking? You have no integrity. This is why the FTC need to ban or at least let people know that you are a reckless crazy that has no heart or scruples.
The issue with this is that Penelope jumped to conclusions with no facts, merits or foundation. The resort they were staying at is private yet guests can use the Four Seasons facilities. If you look at the resort’s website, it clearly shows the private gym area – which is not the Four Seasons gym. That’s why the Four Seasons confirmed, correctly, Mr Goldberg was not a guest. Because he was a guest at the private resort next door. Additionally, he suffered from a heart arrhythmia, which added to his saddening death. It’s common knowledge that hitting your head in a specific area can cause fatal injuries. From the images, there is no security camera in the gym – that’s common for private resorts. This resort has few employees so naturally, they would not have a gym supervisor and they would respect their guests privacy. Finally, I’m absolutely appalled that from such a horrific, tragic accident, Penelope would write two immoral posts – both lacking facts and both antagonizing an already sad issue – purely for her own self gain in an extremely weak attempt to try be a voice of authority. Her posts show she clearly has done no fact checking and every decent reporter knows that facts are critical if you’re going to point fingers. Her dire need to be craving a level of celebrity has not only plummeted her to the depths of laughable writing but also (from checking multiple valid sources), she is a laughing stock and not respected, even as a wannabe entrepreneur. I believe her need to be ‘famous’ just hit its 5 seconds of fame. She had one chance and she blew it.
I don’t have a problem with Sheryl Sandberg or her book. I don’t believe in conspiracies. I believe everyone who says David Goldberg was a great guy. I don’t think his weight gain was abnormal for a middle-aged father. I think it is inappropriate to speculate about his death without any evidence.
But all of that said, something is not right here. I hope someone is investigating. If he didn’t die in the exercise room of the Four Seasons, where did he die? Why do some online news reports says Sandberg found him, and others say his brother Robert found him? Some say Sandberg was in DC and the kids were in CA — in which case he was vacationing with just his brother? No one writing about his death seems perturbed that the relevant details are in flux.
The lesson I take from this blog and some of the comments is this:
If a rich and famous person’s spouse dies, the media makes mistakes in reporting the details, and said rich and famous person is too busy grieving to rush to a computer to write a detailed accounting of the death, then ipso facto, there must be a conspiracy.
Brilliant.
While you are all wailing on about Sheryl, it is Penelope who is wiser than a fox…look how many comments are posted here. Penelope hasn’t had this many comments on her blog since her new start up. Congrats Penelope on using the someone’s suffering and loss to bring out your talent.
It’s a sad, sad world. Everyone using the suffering of others to benefit themselves. Sadly I thought your talent was in sick hunor often missed by the normies…but alas you resorted to the bottom feeders to get results.
It’s true. I’ve gotta stop my rubbernecking. I think this has brought out something in me– am finding my own reaction to how Penelope manipulated this situation very bizarre– I think because it is in such a different direction from the post about how living up to our potential is bullshit and how our basic goal in life is to be kind. That sounded true and authentic and from a positive, happy place. These posts suggest a deep setback in P’s efforts to be happy with herself and her life, and the schadenfreude is really different from where things were headed on this blog. The idea that it was all for clicks makes everything else so untrustworthy. I would have signed up for a course, but not now.
If anything, this blog is an example of freedom of speech. Not good not bad..it is what it is. I’ve enjoyed reading all the posts. May Mr. Goldberg rest in peace. And, so Sheryl’s in the 1%. However, she’s the same as all of us -**HUMAN** and will feel the loss. His COD makes perfect sense – he exercises, exacerbates heart problems, passes out, loses control, falls off treadmill, fatal head injury. Penelope, having a heart problem doesn’t make him bad. Don’t throw blame around, by saying he worked too hard or ate poorly. Would you want someone to fault you for being an Aspie?
The sad fact is that Penelope and her apologists *want* Goldberg’s death to have been a suicide.
This blog is a strange mishmash of “career” advice combined with an unwillingness to subvert gender roles, at all. Have a career Ladies, but make sure it’s not Damaging(TM) your Husband and Children!! … It’s an uneducated stew of unexamined cliches and stereotypes and, like that other stew of stereotypes, Hollywood, we will be sure to meet that stock character: The Woman Who’s Too Successful For Her Own Good And Cannot Have Love!
There is never any admission that still, men aren’t called to account like this. Men are still OK to have four children and get the top spot. It’s still a “women’s problem” to this blog.
This blog is as modern and relevant to the 21st century as Mad Men.
Hallelujah Penelope Trunk.
Thank you for sharing what is more likely to be the truth.
It’s terrible that Sheryl’s husband died. It’s awful that children are not without a father.
Suicide was the first thing that my gut brain echoed when I saw the headline.
The “treadmill, we’re not sure what hotel he was at, but he fell of a treadmill and had head trauma and died” story is total fabrication.
It’s insane.
When is the last time we’ve heard such a detailed version of “death by treadmill head trauma?” Um… never.
Oh yes, and add the “let’s wait for days before disclosing the cause of death” weirdness.
I hated Sheryl’s “Lean In” BS from day one. It’s such a load of crap.
I’ve been at parties in Davos with the likes of Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg. I’m not a fan of either of them, although Marissa does have the nicest husband on planet earth….and at least Marissa isn’t lecturing women en masse on “How To Live and F+cking Lean In.” I’ll at least give her that.
The truth of the matter is, the more someone touts that their life is perfection, the more rotten the underbelly of that life usually is….
I come from a long line of dysfunctionals utilizing perfection to cover up our underbellies. Healing from the trauma and damage of that crazy dysfunction is something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.
Better to “Lean In Sheryl” and tell the whole truth.
Thanks for the follow up post Penelope. This is crazy stuff but I feel like you’re asking all the right questions while being as kind as possible.
still kind of shaking my head at the whole thing.
I just can’t believe the comments on this thing shrunk to ‘Penelope is a giant asshole.’ ‘waaah I’m unsubscribing, waaaah’ ‘ let’s list xxxxx conditions and xxxx amount of hate this woman has’
What on earth, people of the internet? How ridiculous that you came to a blog of someone with strong opinions and viewpoints and expected what exactly? Her own personal praiseworthy eulogy to the couple?
Like what? We’re not 12. At least I don’t think most 12 year olds are reading a career blog.
She writes a CAREER blog. Sheryl’s family tries to give CAREER advice via books and organizations. There is nothing irrelevant about her post! The discussion on Careers and Women remain. Dave (RIP) was central to Sheryl’s discussion (although dispensable- which is what P is pointing out!).
I think this is what upset me the most about this posting. Not Sheryl’s leaning in, not the DeathTreadmill* TM (check it on gawker, it’s a ‘thing’ now- hunting and killing all Tech elite), not Dave the nice guy, not Bono singing at the funeral, not the paid off Mexican officials, but all the hate and drivel spelled out in the comments like we are on a CNN comment section.
My favorite part of her blog happens to be the comments that are generally by an intelligent community of readers. It adds to the discussion and it seems very little was added down here. A lot of arguing and hate and nonsense. Very few people sticking to the points.
The guy died. He’s gone. The message is still here, though.
The only thing that outrages me more than the sentiments in this post were your attacks on the credibility of his family and your baseless suggestions of suicide based purely on your background.
Someone who claims to be such a guru of EI might be somewhat apologetic!
This article is what compassion looks like:
https://medium.com/backchannel/a-letter-to-sheryl-sandberg-c91eaa6f62eb
I am truly sorry for whatever happened to you that made you such a sad and twisted human being.
Just because you have a popular blog, and are admired by minions that hang on your every word, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to write bold faced lies. Perhaps that’s too high an expectation to meet, and the fact that I’m replying to this post means that I’m a willing participant in the lurid spectacle you’ve created. Shame on me. What I find most disturbing about all of this is the lack of empathy for fellow human beings who are suffering a tragic, tragic loss. But it’s not too late. So here we go — take a deep breath and say these words: I Penelope take responsibility for my gross misinterpretation and insensitivity about the untimely death of Dave Goldberg. I am very sorry. Then use your own words to write something more heartfelt to post on your blog. A little kindness and compassion are in order. Re-join the human race.
But you are okay with Sheryl lying about being with her husband, or saying that they never left the kids at the same time (you think this random event happened the one and only time they did so?) And covering up other details about the death of a public figure? Or saying she “cares” about the privacy of Facebook users? That is all cool with you?
Wow! So much hating going on in the comment sections today. Relax people. Penelope is stating her view. You can have a different one without going on a personal attack.
People don’t read Penelope Trunk’s column for comfort and solace. And to the grieving Ms. Sandberg, her family, and her misguided disciples: 1) What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? 2) Money comes and goes, time is fleeting. Days are long, and the longer you make them the shorter your most precious years will be.
Well, no. Everything she speculated is not wrong. Now they are saying they have seen an autopsy (should have been one both in MX as well as US upon re entry) and it indicates the difficult to detect heart arrhythmia.
The family has been steadfast in its refusal to issue any real details that would end the rumors. That is odd at best. Suspicious at worst.
Max, and Penelope: It is not our God-given right to know how Mr. Sandburg died. No matter what the reason or the fame and wealth of the family, they are entitled to grieve privately.
Really? They were famous CEO’s, billionaires who use their lives as an example for how to be successful. And solely because of their money and powerful position in the tech world they can spin the news events of their lives any way they want, and you are fine with that? No one can criticize, doubt, or post a picture of these famous people and you are fine with that? I find it extremely frightening and disturbing. This situation is without precedent in the modern world and we should all be very concerned. At minimum we should doubt everything that we hear about these people since there is no way to confirm it, they have the entire internet under their control. The lack of privacy the rest of us now deal with, in large part through the actions of these very people, does not affect them at all. How does that not scare you?
This is revealing. “Where Did Penelope Trunk Go Wrong?
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/05/where-did-penelope-trunk-go-wrong.html
It’s just an attempt at bullying and character assassination. And there are some crazy pro-Sandberg shills in the comments.
% of men in their 40s who die from freak treadmill accidents
vs
% of men in their 40s who kill themselves
% of men in their 40s who die from freak treadmill accidents
vs
% of men in their 40s who die from heart attacks while banging mexican hookers
It’s the most probable scenario that’s for sure
Hmm, maybe a nicer way to frame Penelope’s spiel is, how does “Lean In” message change look like if you are a single mom?
Will it be throwing money at the child care problem, or will it be a change in lifestyle?
There’s already an answer to that. Sophie Vanderbroeke, CTO, Xerox. In a coincidence, widowed suddenly. Her husband died on holiday of an asthma attack. At the time she had three children:7,5,1. No family around. There’s a good Fast Company article about how she does it.
thanks N. i googled the article you recommended. much as expected.
i read it and (some of) your previous comments in the thread.. hmm, very enlightening that everyone is having this conversation at the very least. im so fascinated by the way haters and the supporters are so divided here as if there is an absolute conclusion.
as future events unveils, i hope penelope does a follow up on this.
I can’t believe that one woman (with children) can write this about a fellow woman in her worst moments in life. Losing a spouse to anything; death, divorce…is an unbelievably dark thing to go through. No matter how Sheryl and her husband did it, she deserves support, respect, privacy and love to mourn. Death is hard on the bereaved to say the least, but as sad as it is, it always attracts vultures.
Yes, and Penelope the piranha is the “vulture du jour.”
I was reading the previous post on this topic and after leaving a comment, noticed this one —to summarize —
The family asserted an Accidental cause of death — it isn’t credible.
What’s left ? Natural Causes , Murder , or Suicide– death subsequent to a heart attack while having a tryst with another woman is the most probable scenario….
I wonder why no one has mentioned it.
There are people making remarks about Mexican Hookers if you read the comments posted – idle speculation, but the thought is there in the back of someone’s mind.
Penelope’s speculation is just that, speculation. The Goldberg-Sandbergs helped fuel this sort of leering speculation by not coming up with a cause of death until two days later. However considering how he was found and his pre-existing medical condition don’t you think it reasonable that they waited until they were sure before saying anything? The blog post is simply irresponsible, harmful, not the least brave, and disrespectful.
The irony of the Facebook/Sheryl crowd asking for privacy is really rich. The arrogance of the wealthy entitled serial liars in this case should frighten everyone. Their power over the “media” is hard to believe (literally no US Media outlet questioned anything).
Well done Penelope!
Yep, and the fact that everyone is falling over themselves to give them that privacy is depressing.
Sheryl’s Meyers Briggs personality is the same as approximately 4% of the population. This small fact has made the book Lean In feel like a big guilt trip for all the people who don’t have her mix of traits and pissed me off when I read it. I think she could write a book for 4% of the population that would be helpful, but then again they wouldn’t need it. I agree there is more to this story than we know. I also think she will finally be busy figuring out her own life and stop telling us how to live our lives.
https://www.personalitypage.com/demographics.html