6 Tips for better conflict resolution

Coats are very important on the farm. Mine are always not dry enough, not warm enough, or not dirty enough for going into the chicken house. So when I'm on the farm I just wear one of the farmer's coats.

1. Clarify personal needs that are threatened by the conflict.
And hats. Do you see the red hat in the picture? It's from Amsoil Lubricants. When I first met the farmer I thought it was hilarious to have a hat that said lubricants. So the first time he dumped me I tried to get the lubricants hat as a relationship souvenir.

Later I realized that he would dump me a lot. It was his way of coping with the feeling that intimacy is scary. So then I focused more on learning conflict resolution and less on who gets the hat.

2. Accept conflict as a natural part of personal progress.
In fact, most of life is about conflict resolution. It's either internal conflict or external conflict, but if you don't have conflict then you are probably not trying to do something interesting with your life. (Not that interesting is everyone's goal, of course.)

Michael Stainer, who writes The Great Work Blog, once told me that if you are not annoying someone you are not doing anything new. I think this is true. (Sometimes I think it could all come down to this: you either scare your mom by creating an unstable life or you scare yourself that you are living merely the life your mom wants for you instead of the life you want for yourself.) Read more

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Webinar on Friday, Wedding on Saturday

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I’m getting married on Saturday. We will talk about that in a minute. First, I want to address the recent onslaught of complainers who have entered my life.

  1. People who tell me I’ve jumped the shark. Honestly, I had never even heard this idiom until people started writing it in my comments section. But I’ve been writing about my personal life for ten years, and anyway, the people who complain that I don’t write enough career advice are always the people who most love to read my posts about sex.
  2. People who tell me I should record the webinars. Look. I know I should. But I don’t control it. Ryan Paugh does. Fortunately, we have a bitch session network on Brazen Careerist, and Ryan is in charge of it. So you should go there and tell him to record the webinar this Friday.
  3. People at my office who wonder why I’m not there. Have I ever told you guys how much I love waking up every day and having a wide span of time to be by myself? I wish I had paid more attention to recess. I always spent recess alone. Just to get a break from everyone. Nothing has changed since fourth grade except that it’s not the playground, it’s Starbucks.

Now. For the wedding. Here’s what I’m wearing:

Read more

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Productivity is about finding space

I have often thought that we choose to marry someone who has something we don’t have, but we wish we had. So it makes sense that now that I feel secure in my relationship with the farmer, I am going to tell you what he has that I want: Photos for my blog.

I’m so bad at taking photos of the farm, and he is great at it, so I stole one of the photos he took to document the mud. He says March is the mud month.

I have tried a few times to take pictures of the farm. I am in love with the farmer, but also, I am in love with the farm. And the farmer will never let me put a picture of him on my blog, so I decided to show you how beautiful the farm is. But I am realizing that photos are like writing: You can only show a fresh perspective of something you know very well.

I remember when I taught creative writing to freshmen at Boston University. The first month almost every student wrote about sex. I went to my advisor and asked him why I am getting twenty stories about having sex. Read more

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Webinar. How to be a millionaire from your blog. Really.

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You would not know from my blog that I actually make money from it. The first reason you wouldn’t know is that there are no ads on the blog. The second reason you wouldn’t know is that I haven’t posted in a week.

In fact, though, blogging has made me tons of money. I could say millions. It’s sort of semantic though, the millions part, because even being the Big Mac guy at McDonald’s makes you millions if you add up salary from a forty-year career of burger flipping.

I tell you guys all the time to forget about making money from your blog. But I also tell you to post at least three times a week to have a blog that is useful. And look, I’m violating that rule. So I think I’ll just go ahead and violate my other rule, too: I’m going to do a webinar about how to make money from blogging without running ads. (It’s Wednesday, March 31 at 8 pm eastern. Sign up here. )

I guess that another thing about my webinar about making money from a blog will be that it takes a lot of self-discipline.

I think I have self-discipline, but honestly, I’m not sure. Because right now the only thing I’m doing on a daily basis is obsessing about what color to paint the dining room of the farmhouse that I want to treat as the historical building that it is, but I’m drawn to geographically inappropriate color schemes from French provincial life. Read more

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Announcing another live video chat and something else.

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It is not lost on me that my blog is slowly becoming a platform to announce video chats. So I think I’m going to have to do some fast confessing so that you guys don’t all unsubscribe.

I’m getting married to the farmer. Yep. April 17. Well, not really. I mean, I can’t totally get married because at the beginning of Brazen Careerist, I funded the company by not paying my taxes, so I owe a ton of taxes, and if the farmer and I got married, the IRS would put a lien on his farm.

So we are having an unofficial wedding. Very small. I would tell you how small, but I am not allowed to write details about the farmer’s family. Suffice it to say that on my side, only two people are coming.

And my kids. The kids really want to see a wedding. They would actually like to see me dressed like Cinderella. Because that’s what they know about weddings and princesses, two things that my kids are pretty sure go together. Instead, we will just go out to dinner and bring a wedding cake. The cake will be extravagant, and that’s what will let the kids know something big has happened. Read more

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Live video chat: How to find career fulfillment

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I keep wanting to use the word webinar, but I can’t decide if it is too jargony. This lexical conundrum reminds me of when the word workout went mainstream. It sounded too jargony to me, and I used to say go-to-the-gym and a not-so-snappy stand-in.

Should I use the word webinar?

Should I tell you how many times Ryan Paugh told me that I have to announce the webinar if I want people to come to it? I kept not announcing anything because I didn’t know what to call it.

Whatever we are calling it, it will happen on this Friday, 1pm est. (Sign up here.) I know that people in Australia cannot listen at this time slot. You have told me before, and I’m listening. One day I will do a webinar at midnight. One day I will record webinars so it won’t matter so much what time slot they happen in. One day there will be world peace.

On Friday we will talk about finding fulfillment, which is actually like establishing world peace, just doing it one person at a time. In an act of full disclosure, I’m going to tell you that knowing what to do is not the hard part of finding fulfillment. Doing it is the hard part. It’s like breaking up with a terrible boyfriend when the sex is really good. Not that I have ever had this problem. I have found that part of what makes a terrible boyfriend is terrible sex. But whatever. I can imagine the problem. The problem is that you know what to do and you don’t do it.

Wait. Actually, that’s the problem with everything. Like, I knew I was going to have to write a post about the webinar where I don’t know if I should use the word webinar. I knew it wasn’t going to change if I waited so long to write the post that Ryan Paugh wants to kill me. But I waited anyway. Why do we not take the action that we know is the right action? I will not be covering this problem in the webinar.

But sign up anyway. Here.

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How to get unstuck in life

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I am a person who lives and dies by her to-do list. And right now, I'm dying.

I'm dying because I am following all the prescribed rules except one.

Here are things I'm doing well:

1. I clear my inbox. I deal with each email the second I read it—by responding, deleting, or transferring to my to do list.

2. I have a single list. I have A's, B's, and C's for my priorities, so I can tell what is most important to do on any given day.

3. I make sure I have long-term goals. And I put them in my list of A's. I identify the items I must get done before the end of the day. But I also add at least one non-deadline-based item that helps me reach a bigger, life-changing goal.

4. I rewrite the list every day by hand. Because if something on the list is not worth taking the time to rewrite by hand, it's not worth taking the time to do.

5. I make sure I get all the A's done first. Only then do I move on to less important items. Just kidding. I don't do this. But I should. Honestly, I can tell that it doesn't really matter if I follow all the other rules when I'm not doing this one. Read more

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How to find the most fulfilling careers

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Thanks to dating sites, we have a great way to gather data about the human condition without having to write grant proposals to the National Science Foundation. I first became aware of this bastion of data when OK Cupid announced that older women benefit from showing cleavage in their photos, but younger women don’t. I immediately started showing more cleavage at work because we know that people want to do business with people they want to date, and men think women who look datable are actually harder workers.

Now the site that specializes in matching married people looking to cheat, AshleyMadison.com, has released its list of the most adulterous professions based on the 1.9 million people who are registered on the site. (via BoingBoing)

Here’s the list: Read more

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Live video chat: How to find the hidden job market

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This video chat will take place Friday, March 12, 1pm eastern. (Sign up here.) This chat will be about how to get a job by looking in the right places. (And, I am experimenting with mysterious titles for my video chats. Do more people sign up if the title sounds like a Nancy Drew mystery?)

The last video chat was so out of control that I actually got reprimanded from just about everyone in the company. Except Andrew Shell, who said it was funny and funny is all people care about.

So I have a choice of doing a private chat for Andrew, or I can switch up the format to be less obnoxious. And, as I am trying to be more likable, being less obnoxious will be good for me. So this week I’m doing the video chat alone. And for those of you who are disappointed that Ryan Paugh won’t be there, take solace in this: The headset for doing the video alone is much better with my hair than the headset for doing a video with Ryan.

Sign up here to join the video chat on Friday.

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The biggest triumph is getting out of bed

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Psychology Today did an interview with me. It was about my most triumphant moments in my life, and how I overcame obstacles to get there. I knew immediately that the interview was going to be a disaster, so I told them I wanted to do the interview written, rather than on the phone.

Then I didn't write the interview for a week.

Then I complained about the questions: I don't really believe in triumph. Because the most triumphant moments are the days when I have no idea how I’m going to fix anything, but I get out of bed anyway. On the other hand, the moments of huge achievement are not actually that hard to get to. By the time you’re close, you are so motivated to get there that it doesn’t feel like work at all.

So I wrote that. And then I felt bad. So I tried to give an example. People like examples. And I like Psychology Today. And I didn't want to disappoint them.

So I wrote that the moment when I was a freelance writer and a new mom and had post-partum depression but I knew I had to keep working so I had to get out of bed and write. Maybe there were fifty moments like that. Or five hundred. But those are the moments of triumph. The thing is, I think it was probably messed up that I kept working and did not check myself into a hospital. And then I started thinking that all my moments of triumph came at the heels of me having done something totally terrible. Read more

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