Too little too late: Sheryl Sandberg apologizes for Lean In
Now that Sheryl Sandberg is a single mom, she has announced, in a post on Facebook, that it’s understandable that single moms do not Lean In.
I am infuriated.
First of all, why is Sandberg telling women they should all work? The whole point of feminism was so women could have choices instead of having someone tell them what to do with their life.
So we have choices. Women can decide they don’t want to work. Women can decide they want to have kids and have a cushy job. Women can decide they want to be a single mom and have two full-time nannies. Sandberg doesn’t talk about any of this.
For Sandberg, mothers have two choices: Have a spouse and lean in. Or be single and don’t lean in.
I have a supportive spouse and I don’t want to lean in. What about me?
Also, before I was with a spouse and staying home with kids, I was a single parent.
You know what? Being a single parent sucked, but I was making a lot of money and I had two nannies and a house manager, and I have to say my life as a single mom was way easier than my life is right now. Because leaning in is so much easier than staying home with kids.
What Sandberg is really saying, with her most recent backtracking, is that it’s hard to be a parent. I don’t think she was really being a parent when she had a husband because all you have to do is trace her day-to-day whereabouts for a month to see that she was rarely home.
But Sandberg would never admit that she wasn’t parenting her kids when she was leaning in.
Why? Why can’t she tell us how many hours a week she was spending with her kids when she was leaning in? Why can’t she tell us why she is deciding to be with her kids now more than double the amount of time she used to be with the kids when she had a husband?
We have a really big problem here that the COO of Facebook wants to be a role model for women, and she is full of shit. But no one can call her out on it because Facebook owns the media.
I didn’t realize that until I wrote about her husband dying. When I wrote that post I got so many emails that requested confidentiality that said no one can say anything bad about her because Facebook controls the majority of traffic to media sites.
I can’t give you names but I can tell you that I have good sources. And you can do pretty cursory research to see this is not far-fetched.
People express so much outrage that Donald Trump can run around saying crazy stuff and he doesn’t ever have to explain himself. Who will pay for the wall? Seriously. How will we block all brown people from coming into the US? Amend the Constitution? He doesn’t answer these questions in any reasonable way. And people complain.
Yet Sheryl Sandberg does the same thing. She says she’s leaning in and doesn’t tell us how many hours a week she sees her kids, or how much childcare costs. She tells us she’s a single parent but she doesn’t tell us if she regrets missing time with her kids, or if she’s still working part-time or what?
Trump and Sandberg don’t need to give us details unless they want to affect change on a national level. Then they owe us more than platitudes.
But you hear tons of criticism about Trump’s platitudes and you hear nothing so much as even questioning Sandberg.
So it’s back to me being the only voice in media saying Sheryl Sandberg is a sham.
Here’s why: For the last two years she’s been shaming women for not leaning in. She tells us we have to justify not leaning in. Now she says it’s okay to not lean in if you are a single mom because it’s so hard to be a single mom.
But as far as I can tell, Sandberg thinks women with supportive, high-earning husbands should lean in. Sandberg doesn’t have any room in her manifesto for women who want to do something besides go to work every day.
So I’m making an announcement. I’m not leaning in because I want to be with my kids during the day. But something else, too. I want to garden. Every day. And I want to curl up on the sofa with my dog in my lap and read. I want to get good at cooking with rhubarb because we grow so much of it. I want to be home for the blackberries because they only come one week of every year.
I don’t want to lean in because I just don’t. I don’t want to have to give Sheryl a reason. Which is why I don’t give a crap what her reason is for not leaning in. I don’t think she needs to justify it. I don’t know why she’s obsessed with who should lean in and who shouldn’t. Each of us is capable of figuring it out for ourselves.
We don’t need a role model. We need a role. Each of us wants to feel like we found our spot, what’s right for us. And it’s not helping to have to justify our choices to anyone but ourselves.
I agree with a lot of you say Penolope its very inspiring. But I think this was a bit over the top.
The problem arise when you try to find some role model you can just blindly follow, agree with everything they say.
The fact that there is a side of this person that you don’t agree doesn’t make them sham.
I’ve heard what Sheryl has to say and at no point I thought it was against women’s choice to decide how they want to parent their children.
From what I understood Lean In was not about parenting choice but more about the confidence to not let go the opportunities at workplace because it’s OK to do so.
Agree. But these dilemmas are tied to American society and the American way of seeing things. Turn to North-Western Europe to see an alternative: both parents working parttime in serious jobs, which is enabled by a relatively high level of child care quality and availability and by tax advantages. The quality of life is high for families.
I think this whole thread is less about Sheryl Sandberg and more about a group of women looking for validation. Women who don’t get validated in the form of a paycheque or promotion. Women who have the choice to work and lean in and choose otherwise. It is tough to give up those things and still feel like a valid successful human being. I think SS’s book was a bit of a thorn in the side for the women who stepped away from their career. I mean who at some level would not want to look like and be wealthy like SS? And didn’t so many of us think we’d be her? I did! I sometimes hate that I am not her. I hate that I didn’t fall in love with my corporate job. I hate that I found my role and my fulfilment being a mom. Yuck! I am so thankful though for people like Penelope and my community who constantly validate for me that parenting is indeed a worthwhile role. We all work together, underground to support one another. No glossy one-way books! I also think Anne Marie-Slaughter is one of the most brilliant thinkers of our time…the idea of a “returnship” and intervals of work and care for family. That to me is a more worthwhile focus than 50% females at the board room table.
Thanks for the conversation Penelope. You could publish a book but you make yourself available to us. Your a true sister!
Thank you! I couldn’t agree with you more! I don’t want to lean in. I want to spend time with my family and yes, I want to make money and feel good about my career but it is on my terms and it is what works for my family. I am successful b/c I am happy- not b/c of some title. According to her, I would be a failure b/c I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder. That is my Choice! My husband has also made a ton of sacrifices for our family too. He could have climbed higher, but that would mean less time with the family. We all have our priorities, they are are just different. I just started reading, Jessica Dilullo Herrin’s book, “Find Your Extraodinary” Now that is an CEO I can follow!
What is the matter with you?! You are the prime example of what is wrong with people today. Why are you using social meda platforms and your blog to aggrandize yourself at the expense of another human being? Trust me, I don’t give a rat’s ass about Sheryl Sandberg and what she thinks, but I do care that you feel as if you cannot express your opinion or disagree with someone without attacking them visciously. Another person whose spouse has died, by the way, so god knows what she is going through in private. Have you no compassion? Again I ask: what is the matter with you, and who raised you to think that it was okay to treat other human beings like this? You could have disagreed without all of your nastiness. I find myself deeply grateful you are not in my real life and sad your vitriol is in anyone’s life at all. The world does not need more divisive rhetoric like yours. You looked for and you found offense, you made gross assumptions about another person’s motives and meaning, and you attacked another human for blood sport, self-promotion, and the entertainment of others. Shame on you.
Such a daring writing Ma’am. I appreciate your thought.
YES!!!! I cannot agree with you more and since I live in the bay area where childcare is over $20-30 per hour for a nanny, let us just say she is in no place to be dishing advice to those moms who are not in the 1%. Sick of her as sone sort of icon…. same goes for “millions in severance pay goodbye yahoo” Marissa.
Sheryl Sandberg lecturing American women about family makes about as much sense as Dennis Rodman negotiating a treaty with North Korea.
Great post! thanks!
As she needed to experience being a single mother to understand them, I guess she will probably never have a clue why some women with no children do not want to lean-in. I think it is not only about different parenting choices but more about personnality.
I am a twenty something, starting my “career”, do not have children and I just know I do not want to make work a big part of my life. I feel the industry I am in is highly competitive and I just know leaning in is not part of who I am.
I don t think we have wait to be a mother to know and be proud of not being a career person !
Thank you
You can have your own opinions and lifestyle without trashing others. How dare you, Penelope whoever. You have to bash others to put yourself up on a pedestal. Sheryl does not bash other women – that is completely against what she is for. How dare you you despicable human being.
PREACH! I hated Lean In, I didn’t finish it. I couldn’t stop talking about your article about what happened to Sheryl’s husband to everyone. Especially because around that time, I had started a new job where ‘Lean In’ was the new buzz word next to ‘limited bandwidth’ and ‘Revenue Lifecycle Management.’
I think Corporate America is obsessed with Lean In because finally gave people (Men in Management) an agenda they should be pushing to keep great women at their company. Too bad it was the wrong look.
I was mad because I already feel like women are holding down a lot of the ‘fluff’ in my office environment. Remembering to celebrate people’s birthdays, coordinating the volunteer activities, managing the supplies; simply because that’s what women do. I have nothing to prove these views only that most churches, schools, activities, PTAs, etc are mostly women who are doing that on top of all of their other responsibilities.
I took one piece of advice about sitting at the meeting table, instead of the chairs around it. I use that advice regularly. I speak up more in meetings because of that advice. So I will give credit.
The rest felt so unimportant and so out of touch.
I am childless, single, 30-something, working in a tech adjacent company in a big city in the South. I should be the poster child for leaning in. So why did I have such a strong, negative reaction to it? I guess the reason it irked me so much (and motivated this extra-long comment) is because I don’t need another thing to feel guilty about. That I am not Leaning In enough. Call it complaining, call it projecting but at the end of the day Lean In is saying we aren’t doing enough.
As a working mom and head of household for many years I felt like throwing up when Sandberg started talking about leaning in. Her arrogance and ignorance is expected considering how insulated her life is. Thank you for being so daring to speak your mind and what was on the minds of many of us working parents whether affluent or poor.
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I enjoyed this, as well as your previous posts on Sandberg. I have to admit though, I also enjoyed reading Lean In, even though I’m not really a “lean-inner” myself. Perhaps because I read her book after your earlier posts about Sandberg I was able to reflect on some of her lessons and ideas without feeling like her way was the only prescription for ‘success’. Thanks for filling in those gaps.
I love this article…soooo good. I’m like you Penelope, I want a simple and happy life – not really trying to make big strides for women on a daily basis like it’s my personal mission to elevate the status of womanhood. I just want to enjoy my life and have a fun family life – which is almost sacreligious to say today!
Anyway, you said it perfectly!
The title of the post is misleading. Also not every women HAVE KIDS, for example I’m married and don’t have kids yet. In the meanwhile I would like to have a fulfilling and impactful career. Lean in has helped me to get excited about my career instead of just going in to work everyday thinking it’s temporary.
I personally think it’s a waste of time to be so defensive about Sheryl’s position. If you truly just wanted to garden and curl up on the sofa, you would be doing that instead of taking the time to write this post trying to gain attention, viewers, audience. In reality it seems that you are attempting to lean in through your blog and you are attacking Sheryl’s idea to actually create content for your Leaning In. You are attempting to be an activist for “Leaning Out” which is kind of the same as just leaning in.
Have you read this article by Susan Faludi? She is one amongst a number of people criticizing Sheryl Sandberg right at the outset of her ridiculous LEAN IN bullshit!
http://thebaffler.com/salvos/facebook-feminism-like-it-or-not
Penelope, this may have been one of the most sexist modern-day comments I have ever read:
“The whole point of feminism was so women could have choices instead of having someone tell them what to do with their life.”
And what about men? Do they get choices too? Can they tell you to work for a few years so they can garden every day if they want to? Or would they be labeled lazy bums?
Feminism was about being EQUAL, and that means the responsibility too. It meant the right to go in the military if you wanted, but it also SHOULD mean the responsibility of being drafted if the men are being drafted. It meant the ability to work in a traditionally “men’s world” career (as I do), but it also meant having to pull equal weight in your relationship. It didn’t mean you get only do the things you want to do while your husband does the rest.
She’s not saying you have to work, you stupid cow. She makes it perfectly clear that she believes in women doing what they believe is best with their lives, whether it is work, raising children or something else. Way to misinform your audience
You’ve amazing knowlwdge right
Not at all, but I do know how to spell knowledge!
It is a great book! Making women feel empowered is a very positive thing to do – something you aren’t doing with this post.
Sheryl doesn’t do much mothering. She does a lot of hiring and delegating. If you can imagine her taking a Donkey Punch from a single mother who really is trying and struggling to make it then you will chuckle inside.
I love to pick my nose and eat it.
Have you even read Lean In? It’s incredible and she does touch on choices. Her book wasn’t meant for absolutely everything in the world women can or should do. She focuses on the workforce because the stats are true and women need to keep making gains. Not all women, and that’s not a problem. She doesn’t criticize women who do not work. Her personal experiences and other stories are enlightening. So calm down.
BROWN PEOPLE? Puff talk about respect and tolerance….
Thank you…..I stumbled upon this after back tracking a story I read about another opinion SS made, and thought ” seriously ” I was in a Dress for Success job club meeting when the book had come out and it was the just read. I tried, but thankfully I was in my fifties, attending college after an unexpected late in life divorce and had attempted leaning in when I was younger during the 80’s as a single parent wanting a better life. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and everyone had an opinion as to how I should handle my situation. Thank God, really I made my own decision to lean in and hear something else. It was a life changing, career killing move to have the baby and give him up for adoption but one I never look back on till I read this article and all that went with it. Women need to be vocal about their choices and not let the media blips, or popular book trends create their paths. A crisis created mine and he is a beautiful 30 year old main in medical school and he would not even be year if I had listened to others advice for me.
Keep writing please, Rebecca
You say you don’t want to Lean In, yet you have your accomplishments on the forefront of your page. No, not your rhubarb pie but instead your having founded four startups. That sounds like leaning in to me.
I agree. But how do you get the money to lead the life you describe?
And when FB stock tanked after the IPO, little Sheryl was out peddling her book. Must be nice to get COO salary & options along with a part time work schedule.
Ever see the likes of Meg Whitman, Carley Fiorina of Lynn Tilton regurgitating Sheryl’s lean in crap? Neither have I. The women who have come to leadership roles in male dominated industries have been too busy working their asses off for decades to get where they are.
Sandberg is a bright cookie no doubt, but don’t think the Harvard degree, time working for Larry Summers and some good connections didn’t help immensely to get her where she is today. Plenty of men have traveled similar roads of privilege so I get that men have the same path with better outcomes in a vastly greater number but Sheryl in my opinion isn’t the real deal. Something about her is just very fake. She appears too much as a show woman vs someone who bears the patina of a person who has overcome the odds.
Loved it, thank you for calling out the sham feminism!