How to bounce back (again and again)
I smashed a lamp over my head. There was blood everywhere. And glass. And I took a picture.
I think my life is getting better because it used to be that I wrote everything. In order to cope. Now I can take pictures. So I have two coping mechanisms.
The best way to judge someone is not by setbacks, but by bounce-backs. I am good at judging people this way. I think this is because I’m good at bouncing back. From stuff people think no one can bounce from. I can still bounce. Here’s how:
1. Get perspective about what is big and what is small.
This is not the first time I have put a gash in my head on purpose. I did it when I had postpartum depression. The situation now is remarkably similar.
I told the farmer that he needs to take care of his hands better. That’s where the fight started.
“I hate hand cream,” he said. “It makes my hands greasy all day.”
“It’s dysfunctional to walk around with bleeding hands.”
“This isn’t normal. It’s because I was so nervous around you and your mom fighting in New York.”
“You have it all the time. All winter. You told me you do. It’s your job to fix it. You have to take care of yourself. You have to be a better model for the kids.”
He says, “I’m sorry I don’t take care of my hands how you want me to.”
I say, “Forget it. This is crazy. I don’t care about your hands.”
Then we talk about money. I spent too much money on our trip to New York. He is sick of me not being able to stick to a budget. And, to tell you the truth, I am sick of it, too. My inability to stick to a budget is like him not putting cream on his hands: Total incompetence.
The thing is that the money problems make me nuts, and they make him nuts. The hands, really, are not as big a deal.
2. Tell yourself a story of how you got to where you are, so it makes sense.
So we skip to the discussion of how I feel like I’m alone with the money problems because we agreed before I moved to the farm that he would not be responsible for the kids or the money.
Don’t tell me it was a crazy agreement to make. It’s water over the bridge. Or under. I can’t remember the saying.
So I tell him I feel alone. I tell him that for maybe five minutes straight, because he is saying nothing.
Then we do our normal routine: I say I am lonely and feel like he’s not really with me.
He gets angry because he thinks he’s given up everything for me.
My abandonment issues flare even more when he is angry at me for saying I’m lonely.
I cry.
He hates me when I cry.
I hate myself for being with someone who hates me.
You can see the spiral, right? It’s just a question of how much I hate myself.
Today it was a lot. I hate myself because I could have used the money I spent on the New York trip as a fund so that I could leave the farm. I don’t even know how I’d leave. I mean, I know I’m capable of leaving, but I don’t know what I’d leave to. What I’d go toward.
Those of you with empathy understand how it is such a short step to the lamp crashing into my head.
Then the farmer left.
3. Understand opposing points of view to your own.
People always ask how the farmer puts up with me telling our lives on the blog. What he really hates is that I get to tell the story. The story of us. Here are things he thinks you don’t know. He thinks I leave this stuff out and it’s not fair.
I am crazy. More crazy than you know from the blog.
I am very needy. I have abandonment issues and I never feel loved.
I am bad with money. Crazy bad with money. Great at earning it, terrible at managing it.
But I know you all know those things because I’ve already posted about them:
Craziness: Here’s the post where I go nuts over a tweet some guy directed to me.
Abandonment issues: Here’s the post where I describe the genesis of my neediness issues.
Money issues: Here’s the post where my electricity gets turned off.
He feels sorry for himself that he got into this mess with me. He thinks he gave up everything for me and I’m totally ungrateful.
So I spent the day trying to avoid my ex, who spends Sundays at our house with the kids. Then, when the coast is clear, I traipse over broken glass and crawl into bed and hope I sleep forever. Not forever in a way that would mean my kids have no mother. But forever in a way where it sort of approximates death in an I-need-a-break way but then I’m still a good mom.
4. Compartmentalize. For sanity’s sake.
Can you be a good mom and break a lamp over your head? Maybe that is the crux of this post. Or maybe it is “Can you be a good career advisor and still break a lamp over your head?”
Actually, I think the scary thing is that the answer to both questions is yes. Compartmentalizing in moderation is actually useful life skill. I know because I’m terrible at it.
But look at the CEOs who are never home with their kids. They are terrible parents but great at their career.
And look at the stay-at-home-baking-cookies moms who are addicted to shopping, or valium, or cheating on their husbands. It’s entirely possible that these women could be great moms. Maybe you have until 3pm to be dysfunctional: What you do before school gets out can be separate from what you do after school gets out.
Anyway, here’s some career advice: Try to keep your career on track and your personal life on track. You’ll never have both, but your career is a sort of safety net. If all you have is your personal life then if it’s going bad, everything in your life is bad. Your career isn’t as important as your personal life, but it’s a nice distraction.
See? It’s working for me right now: I’d probably be bashing another lamp against my head if I didn’t have a blog to maintain.
5. Protect the parts of your life that you can.
When the ex left, the farmer and I started fighting again. We had to fight around the kids. They watched CatDog and we argued.
He asked me if I’m cleaning up the glass. If this were a novel that you were assigned to read for school, there would be this essay question:
Compare and contrast the two knock-down-drag-out fights Penelope had with the farmer after he asked her if she is cleaning up glass.
If you were a good student, you’d remember the chapter where I break a window and end up at the police station.
Back to this time: I tell him I’m not cleaning up the glass.
I meant to tell him that I like the visual metaphor of broken glass surrounding our bed. But I didn’t say that. I said, “I don’t care. I’m tired of trying to do nice things for you.”
It’s hard to argue that cleaning up the glass is doing something nice for him. This might be supporting evidence for the farmer’s contention that I am crazy. But in fact, I know from the last argument over broken glass that he cares about it way more than I do.
So I tell him that I’m not cleaning up the glass. And then, I don’t know what happens. Well, first, the kids ask to watch another episode of CatDog and I say okay.
6. Re-use tools that have worked for you in the past. Abandon those that never work.
In the twenty minutes we gain from more CatDog, the farmer and I are able to establish that he is done with the relationship and he is going to sleep at his parents house.
I decide I have to keep him home. I don’t know why. I mean, I guess my instinct is that if he runs to his parents when we have a fight then it’s for sure that he is not really with me. I’m sort of like a fair-weather friend that he keeps around to supplement his relationship with his parents—which, I’m sure he’d say is more rewarding than his relationship with me.
Okay. So I panic that him going to his parents will solidify what I already know anyway. And I tell him I will not let him leave.
This immediately makes him want to leave more. The farmer’s biggest worry in life is that I will control him.
He tells me I can’t stop him.
I want to show him that actually, my specialty is keeping people from abandoning me.
Me: I’ll leave the house first and then if you leave, it’ll be child abandonment.
Him: I’ll take the kids to child services.
Me: What will you tell them? My wife won’t sweep up the floor in our bedroom so I can’t stay in the house and I have to give the kids away? Really? Do that. I’m dying to see that. Should I pack the kids’ clothes for them? Because if you do that, they’ll go to foster care.
I know you think I sound crazy, but the farmer’s way of dealing with me—his way to get me to shut up—is to threaten me. So I have taken to calling his bluff. I have noticed that almost every time it works. Like, just two days ago he told me he wouldn’t talk with me in the middle of a long drive home unless I want to stop and get a hotel room for the night so we have time to talk. And I said fine. Let’s get a hotel room. And he didn’t want to.
Okay. So the kids do not go to child services, but I worry that he’ll go to his parents house.
So I move my car to block in his car so he can’t leave.
He could walk though. Or take the fifty other farm vehicles. And it’s totally pathetic that I’m trying to force him to stay with me.
So the farmer is sleeping at his parents house. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m here. With the kids. I’m in the middle of nowhere with no support system. I mean, if I wanted to sleep somewhere else I don’t even have anywhere.
But I wouldn’t want to sleep somewhere else. I traveled every week for a year. And I missed the kids. And I wanted to be attached to home and family more than my booming career. So I moved here.
But I don’t know what I’m doing here. Scaling back. Scaling back a career so that all that’s left is family time, and family values. It is not working.
I see all these new year’s resolutions people are making:
Eat dinner as a family more often.
Go out to eat less frequently.
All these things are easy to do on the farm. I need a new year’s resolution to make sure my career does not go to hell while my personal life has. I need a safety net.
The reason I started writing career advice is not because this is my dream job. I mean, who dreams of growing up and writing career advice? I became passionate about the advice, though, when it became apparent to me that each time I had a personal crisis, my career is what helped me rescue myself.
I read this post today expecting positive reassuring advice but this is not what I got. Today I got the real world honest depicted life of a woman who is living life. I am a bit shocked but the same time I completely understand. You are not crazy. You’re just like everyone of us trying to cope with life. Each one of us deals with what we have one way or another and well just don’t have all the tools or experience. I dont have them and neither does anyone else. You need a support system and this blog helps but you need to have one that’s like a tree; branches out for different parts of your life. I’m like you I write everything down to keep track and cope with the overwhelming amount of information I process daily. Pictures help too when I’m trying to describe something. For some reason my mental image of something doesn’t translate to spoken word.
In the past when I read your blog I judged you unfairly. I saw that you were just making the wrong decisions and to me your writing made it blatant. I felt like I knew better and that you should too. How stupid of me. I was just like all your readers who post negative comments from their high perch. Now that I’ve moved from PA to Fl I’m now on information overload and I’m finding all the new things I’m dealing with quite stressful and well it seems like your life is just the same. There are things that I have in mind to accomplish but it gets overshadowed by everything else that I didn’t or couldn’t think of. What keeps me sane through this all? Music, writing things down, prioritizing the people and things in my life and well just laughing when I do dumb, idiotic things. The last thing helped when I moved into my apartment and went grocery shopping for dinner only to realize I didn’t have any cutlery or plates at home.
Sorry I wrote so much but you really can cope if you want to. You can’t change the way the farmer thinks or react but you can get him to understand you and your perspective. Your children are important and even though the tv is a great distraction just be honest with him and tell them that you’re not coping well to all the changes. They’re not stupid and they might be in the same situation as well. With the farmer and kids as support you’ve started out your tree’s foundation.
Your relationship with the farmer doesnt have to end but if what you’re saying about him is true then he sounds like an asshole. He expects too much from you and well he is treating you like the cattle he tends. Again I’m being judgmental but why would he hate you when you cry?
You’ve mentioned dialectical behavioral therapy (a treatment developed for borderline personality disorder) in a previous post and here you’re reporting that you’re self-harming and having explosive fights with your spouse. I’m not a mental health professional but you seem to fit the profile of borderline personality disorder, and I think you know that. It sounded like you were attempting to follow and adapt DBT on your own in the previous post. Please consider seeking a class and counselor trained in DBT, if you aren’t already. Everyone goes through bad times, but this is extreme. I mean this sincerely: you need and deserve professional help.
How can you say she’s not crazy? That’s exactly what she is. She may have Aspergers, but I think that’s the least of her issues, to the point of being almost irrelevant.
As for her relationship with the farmer, what relationship is there? It sounds like his initial attraction to her was that she brought a lot of strange energy and uninhibited sex into his mundane rural lifestyle, that that was all he was interested in. He more or less told her that (you take care of the money and the kids). She was after the same thing (a lifestyle change) in reverse. I don’t think either of them really connected with each other on a level necessary to maintain a relationship, they just used each other as vehicles to a new lifestyle.
I don’t know about the farmer, he sounds like he has some real maturity issues, but I can’t see Penelope ever being able to sustain a relationship. There’s seems to be no give and take. She’s just a big needy vacuum who loves herself so much that no one else could ever provide her with satisfaction.
At the end of the day, it is about her kids and what sort of world is she modeling for them. It’s not about her, or her Aspergers, or the Farmer, or her career, or her blog, or her website. It is about her kids. We all sacrifice for our kids. We all conform to standards we may not like because of our kids and the need to support them.
If she is or isn’t crazy doesn’t matter. She needs to be a parent first and foremost and take care of her children.
Penelope, please get some help right away. Jesus. You’re scaring me. I mean, other help; I know you’ve gotten loads of help, but try again; try something different; try someone different.
xo
FWIW, your blog has lots of traffic when you have a fight.
Yet, it has less than half the comments that Tim Ferris. Sorry.
I’m going to ask you a question because I see a lot of myself in your most recent post. Have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Stay with the DBT – it might save your life someday.
Thank you for your post today. I understand what you are dealing with and I’m sorry for the chaos in your life. Yes, your life is what you make of it and you readily admit your mistakes. What I always appreciate is your honesty and your willingness to share your mistakes and what you are learning from them. Today I was wondering around my house in my sweats and slippers and I couldn’t figure out why I felt so lost. I know I need a job. I know I need more social connections. In the past my social connections were through my job and without it I don’t know what to do with myself. My life is unbalanced and while my coping skills are different then yours I am well aware of how easily I could hit my bottom. As long as you keep you and your children safe you will find a healthy solution. Maybe not today or in the near future but you will succeed in providing your needs. At least, that is my belief.
Keeping the track of personal and career is important, Yes I do agree with you that personal life is more important for career. If that goes wrong then everything seems to be horrible in life. As you’re a mother take care of those children and give them a good life…..
Tears are a turn off to men?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/07/science/07tears.html?partner=rss&emc=rss
I imagine that you find these quiet moments where you boot up the computer, pull up the blog and just read through the hundreds of comments from people all over the world who were compelled enough to share their opinions on your life and journey. And for each comment there are hundreds more who pondered your situation either quietly or aloud and wondered, “what would I do”, or “how do I feel?” Perhaps others wondered if there was something – anything – they could do to help. Help you. Help the farmer. Help your kids.
That is the purpose of writing, provoking thought in others by exposing your innermost self. Some do it in bits but you do it in droves. Every week. And that takes something that most of us simply don’t have. Courage isn’t always healthy and craziness isn’t always bad.
I’m reading all these very serious comments worrying for your welfare and wondering if these people have ever been married. The first few years of marriage are notorious for the stuff you’re going through. Hopefully, you and the farmer will find your way through it and by the time you get to my age, you won’t have the energy to go around breaking things anymore ;-)
You’re fine. And I adore the way you write.
Spot on Louise. I definitely have a few stories that would shock my parents and the perfect image they have of my husband. Ha!
I think you spend too much time inside. Simple cure for your situation, which applies to 90 percent of the population, get out of the house, take vitamins, eat a healthy diet, get exercise, ride your bike, swim, walk, run – outside of the house. Don’t spend 24/7 with anyone – recipe for disaster with anyone! You need to have some sort of social outlet with friends not your family and not internet chat.
Very good advice C. And while she’s outside she should be doing some physical labor. Pitch sh*T from the calf pens or shovel the sidewalk. Here in Wisconsin lots of us burn wood for heat and we “make” wood. That means cutting, stacking and loading – it’s a good aerobic and weightlifting workout.
Penelope, I love your posts and I thank you for you honesty. and I am quite amused/disturbed/worried at how nonchalantly you explained how you broke that lamp on your head. I don’t think this is the kind of things you would normally do even though you are quite “crazy”… unless louise fletcher is right, and this is how married women behave :P
Please take care of yourself, your blog advice has really helped me through tougher times. :)
Hi Penelope, I read your post and am very concerned. I really think you need counseling. I think your actions were self destructive. It isn’t healthy. If you aren’t in a healthy relationship, then you need to take steps to get out. Please get some sort of help.
Who edited this piece? I could not even read the article it was so poorly structured. Half the ‘sentences’ in the first paragraph are not even complete sentences.
I smashed a lamp over my head. Complete sentence
There was blood everywhere. Complete sentence
And glass. NOT a complete sentence
And I took a picture. Never start a sentence with ‘and’
I think my life is getting better because it used to be that I wrote everything. Garbled grammar.
In order to cope. NOT a complete sentence.
Now I can take pictures. Complete sentence.
So I have two coping mechanisms. NOT a complete sentence.
That is as far as I read. Epic fail.
Get an editor.
Get a life.
there’s nothing worse than someone pedantic enough to analyze spelling and grammar instead of content. Idiot.
Silly comment. You seem to know little about communication. Say what you will about Ms. Trunk — my opinions vary — but she is a hell of an effective writer/communicator. I should know — I’ve made a (very good) living doing the same…although the grammar police would scorn me.
I had to add my two cents:
In expressive writing, including interrupted or incomplete sentences is ‘grammatically’ allowed to create a specific mood or to establish a voice. This choppy effect works exceptionally well in this piece because it reflects what Penelope is going through.
And as a writer, I sometimes start my sentences with ‘And’ and ‘But’. It’s for effect/flow. As an editor with 10+ years of experience, I would never change those incomplete sentences to complete ones. That just completely eliminates the writer’s persona.
Hi Penelope,
As you know I am a huge fan of your work. You are without a doubt the most brilliant writer I have ever read. One of the few true voices of Generation X. I hope you keep writing forever. (For me this is saying a lot.)
Sometimes I think you go too far. When you wrote the post where you said that Veteran’s Day should be cancelled, I terminated my subscription to your blog. It was such a disrespectful post. No matter what your opinion is, there are some things that really are sacred. In my mind, attacking the people who defend us was totally out of line. You could have said what you wanted to say without literally trying to have Veteran’s Day subtracted from our lives and traditions. (Disclaimer: I work for the government. However, my opinions are my own.)
Nevertheless I gradually have been sneaking peeks at your blog over the weeks because I miss it. If I were a teacher of writing, I would make it mandatory to read your blog. I loved the piece about grammar being obsolete. You really get it. You fundamentally understand the principles of good communication. The proof is the success of your writing. (Honestly I couldn’t care less about your advice. It’s the writing style that is so fantastic.)
Anyway, about this post. Obviously I couldn’t stop reading it. You already knew that. I read the comments too. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by adding to the chorus of people telling you that you need professional help. I think you have calculated that into the equation of all your blogs. You intentionally portray a version of yourself here – who said it, “crazy within defined boundaries,” – so that you can engage your readers on a certain level emotionally.
Your writing reminds me of Bret Easton Ellis (take your pick of his work). I wonder if you like his books. You remind me of the way Michael J. Fox portrayed the main character (Jamie?) in Bright Lights Big City. Caught up in bad, crazy things but mostly because you find them interesting. Mostly because you are bored.
The character you have constructed for your online persona also reminds me of Sylvia Plath. I mean that as a compliment.
I will echo others in saying that I am concerned about your kids. Of course. But I also get the sense that you love them dearly and are a really attentive and caring mom. I think they will be OK.
Forgive me but I am also curious as to how exactly you broke the lamp over your own head (since you brought it up). Physically, how did you do it? In addition, assuming that you literally stood there and smashed a lamp over your skull, wouldn’t you be out cold and lying on the floor? Also the photo was a bit tame (as others have pointed out). But then again…you are very careful about having a certain “brand” of being crazy within boundaries that others find acceptable to view. (Perhaps that’s how we know you are normal. You usually know where to draw the line.)
If I could give you any advice it would be to watch out for the sophistication level of your readers. I think it’s obvious that you aren’t really as out of control as you claim, although of course you’re fairly messed up (like the rest of the world). If people start to see through your work and discover the underlying marketing ploy (which is to get more readership by being outrageous or needy) they may get angry and abandon you for people who really do need their sympathy.
Finally, from a feminist perspective, I just want to call attention to the fact that you are a survivor of physical and sexual abuse, and that your behavior online could well be an example of how abuse survivors become disconnected from their own bodies and feelings. This is very evident in the way you literally put everything out there, or at least stuff that is way, way beyond what most people would share. As you continue your journey of healing, you may regret this later on. I would supportively encourage you to look for a solution that enables you to be real, but also respects your and your family’s need for privacy. Come back from the edge. Trying to continually top yourself can only end in one way – a bad way.
We will still be here, reading, no matter what you do. Your writing is inherently not boring, no matter where you live.
OK, just one more thing. I don’t think you should run away from home. The issues can be fixed. In the big picture, the commitment to one another is there and that’s what counts. You don’t have to be like everyone else. As Carrie put it in Sex and the City 2, “Every marriage makes its own rules.”
You have brought a lot of help, comfort and hope to people online, not just for career help but also for sympathy as we all face the difficult challenges of life. Though I disagree with some of your posts, overall I think you’ve been a force for the good.
Thank you for that and Happy New Year.
Sincerely,
Dannielle Blumenthal, Ph.D.
You just quoted SATC 2? Seriously, were there no better authorities?
You aren’t perfect, but I have to say this–the farmer is an ASS for not cleaning up the glass and running to his parents. I would FLIP if my husband did that.
All is not lost–and I hope things get better for you guys.
From the “No duh” department:
He doesn’t hate you when you cry. He’s just turned off.
Science confirms: Women’s crying is a turnoff for men
New research finds “emotional tears” may actually lower testosterone levels
For someone who is struggling to determine how much of one’s self to put into career and how much to put into personal life, I thought there was a very important piece of career advice in this post. Penelope reminds us that when one’s personal life is in shambles, career is a saving grace, as something to remind yourself you have accomplished something good in your life, to give you a goal outside of your personal life, or just to give you something meaningful to keep your mind occupied. When one’s personal life is going well it is easy to forget how meaningful our careers can be. I learned from this post. Best wishes to you, Penelope.
Hi Penelope. Ive been following you on and off for awhile. I think its been at least a year or so since I looked you up. Your blog today really moved me.
I dont have anything to offer in the way of advice, Lord knows my relationship history is nothing for someone to model themselves after, but my heart really goes out to you.
From reading your posts over the years, I feel like I know you really well…which is weird since you dont know me at all! If I were your friend in real life, Id invite you and the kids over and we could all hang out, watch cartoons and eat pizza or something. I know that sounds odd, but what Im trying to say in my own weird little way is; there is love out there for you, so dont ever doubt that.
big hug….
Kylie
I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said. And also, I am without words. But I’m happy you know you’re in need of a bounce back. Take care.
So sorry all this is going on. I wish I had the courage to write about my kind of “crazy”. Keep on writing, I’m cheering for your bounce back!
my sympathy to you. hope you’ll be okay in God’s time soon. take care always.
Penelope, just came back to check. Hope all is well. And that you’ve bounced back, as you say.
To The Farmer:
You already know that you can both love and hate someone. But is she worth it? Of course she is. If you leave her, you will regret losing the opportunity to learn more about yourself than you could ever learn any other way. She will take you way beyond your boundaries and you will become someone you never thought you could be. Peace will develop over time takes time (I don’t think you two have been together for very long) and it will be worth it – just ride it out.
To Penelope:
Same Comment.
To Both:
Forget everything but kindness.
You’re going to be fine. Part of being in a relationship and being human, which you have proven over and over in so many aspects (not that you had to). Love and Prayers. Keep up your great work.
Sadly, I assume your next post will be about how child protective services removed your children from this potentially dangerous situation. You need to stop reacting to every thought. Especially the destructive ones.
now would be the time to bounce back – go girl – for the kids just fake it for now … best le
I am a first time reader, 40, female, and owner of my own small business. This post was highly disturbing and completely turned me off, as a business owner, woman, wife, and every aspect of my being. I’m with Paul who commented above that he will not be reading this blog any longer. I highly doubt I will ever come here again. Everyone has issues, but posting them in a public format to people who turn to you for advise is not helping anyone. I hope everyone reading this knows that the situation as described is not healthy, and if you look to the writer of this blog as a role model, consider looking elsewhere.
To Penelope – If you are wondering if this love is the real thing, it probably isn't. Real love is something you feel heart and soul. Some say you know it because you can't possibly live without the other person. That is not true. You can exist, and so can the other person. The point is that you compliment one another's lives. You each bring out the best in the other. Based on this post, that is not the case in your relationship. And before you tell me that he makes you happy, let me tell you that first you must be able to find happiness on your own in order to share it with another.
Tracy- I just wanted to start by saying thanks for kicking Penelope when she’s obviously down. That says a lot about you and I say good riddance. This site, it’s subscribers and Penelope don’t need readers like you who are obviously just here to judge. It takes a lot of courage to share your thoughts and feelings, especially online so I applaud Penelope for her courage and hope she gets the help she needs to get through this tough time.
Bye Bye Tracey!
You’ve given a lot of advice though this blog, some of which I’ve found helpful, and maybe I’m not really returning the favor, but I’m going to try.
You need to get help. Serious help, and as soon as you possibly can.
Because you’ve (and possibly the farmer too, it’s hard to tell from this distance) have passed the point of ‘having problems’ — you’ve become an abusive spouse. At the moment, the person being physically hurt is you, but physical abuse isn’t the only kind. You cannot stop someone from leaving you, and having abandonment issues — valid as they are — is not a get out of jail free card. And I meant the jail part literally. You cannot stop someone from leaving you. It’s illegal, and it’s illegal for a reason.
You already know your behavior is “crazy”; I don’t know if you grasped how very far beyond the pale it is. I realize you genuinely have issues, and I realize that they may be preventing you from really getting how bad things are.
Think about your situation. Imagine a friend of your described it to you, as her or his reality. How scared for your friend would you be if you heard him or her describe (as being done to them) what you’re doing to the farmer? Would you be afraid it would escalate? Would you be afraid of the impact it might have on their children? What would your advice be?
Please get help, and get it soon.
Great photo.
Some of the comments are really scaring on this blog.
People are only speaking the truth. That Penelope is a nut job and her kids are in danger and should be taken away from penelope for their own safety.
To Tracey and Paul: would you think your dentist is any less qualified to perform a root canal, if he tells you about his marital problems?
Oh never mind, both won’t ever read here again, right?
I am sorry you are going through this Penelope. All I truly want to say is that ‘everything will be allright’, and I mean it. I feel the same way about investing in a career. It’s an amazing security that gives confidence. Personal life with a partner can work or not, but atleast we can maintain a roof over our heads, our sanity, and fulfillment, when we have other goals that pull and drive us. I feel, that everything will be allright with your husband, Penelope. Just be patient and give it time. Don’t give up yet. Such things happen in relationships. Take good care.
Just read one of your replies Penelope. You are strong, so open, so enterprising, and yes, you will be fine. I feel much better. I agree that many go through these times. Whenever we can, we can step back to check where we can improve, when things go a bit out of hand. None of us is perfect. I hope you and hubby are back together soon. Warm hugs.
All I can say is: Think positively.
It’s obvious you know what’s wrong and have outlined ways to make it better. You are already getting professional help. All external factors are there, but you now need to focus on the internal. Positive thoughts are very powerful and effective. Just think positively and allow good things to happen by not getting/staying frustrated, angry, or upset (I know…easy to say…but breathing deeply helps). Remind yourself of all your happy moments and visualize even better days to come.
I hope you bounce back stronger, not just for yourself, but for your kids as well. :)
You’re fucking insane.
70% because of the content of this post, and the other 30% for sharing it with the world.
Penelope, here is some practical advice: flash forward 5, 10, 25 years. Consider whether you will have regrets about putting it all out there for the public. It may be cathartic, but its not helping. I hope you can find some peace, truly.
Oh my god. The way I read it, she’s simply writing down the thoughts that many people have but choose not to, or can’t, articulate. Fear, anger, insecurity — all things that we are generally programmed to hide so that we do not appear vulnerable. So what? People can’t vent on their own blogs?
Penelope:
I can’t say it will get better. I will not WILL not will NOT try to stand in any judgement of you or myself. All I can say is I get it. I walk around all day in a fugue of anxiety knowing I am different from anyone else I work with, everyone in my married-into family, everyone I try to be friends with, because what goes on in my head and heart don’t match up with their outsides. I don’t even know how to be fully honest with myself, let alone my therapist. My marriage is hard, my relationship with my stepkids is impossible, I work for the money – I don’t even know what a career is anymore. But I come here and whether you are in a good place or a bad place you are so honest. I relate. I relate JUST because you are true to yourself and completely open about it. I don’t know if that’s good or bad (for you). I relate to the struggles, the feelings, the questions, the brokenness – mostly because right now my own life feels like a directionless shambles – not because yours is, but because you are crystal clear about your experiences when things are a mish-mash – and – when i come here I feel like there is at least one person on this planet who is not afraid to say it all, and it gives me courage to say even a little bit. like i posted a very, very small and nonspecific comment on facebook today about my struggles with ptsd and then agonized about it all night because i know my husband considers that stuff (meaning anything emotional) private and probably my small group of “friends” are all thinking what a loser i am… i love your relentless honesty. it just helps me feel somehow like i’m not disappearing, i’m not alone. i can’t really explain it fully. i don’t know if you are doing the right thing for yourself, but i know i don’t “match up” with what most people think and need and feel and do, and i have a hard time getting advice and most of all any level of real understanding, just a lot of canned bullshit, even though i think what i think and feel is probably not that different, i’m just more willing to acknowledge it, which may be true and maybe isn’t, i don’t know. i do know my problems are not unique, but not common in my small social circle. My friends, for instance, don’t understand constant dissociation. and i don’t know what to act on and what not to act on of the ideas in my head. do i smile now? why doesn’t anyone get my jokes? is there something wrong with this shirt i’m wearing? i’m convinced everything i do is just wrong regardless of which choice i make. so what i’m trying to say here is i myself am helped by your honesty even though i regret you are suffering, i hope you can find a way to express the unexpressable without breaking any more lamps on your head, i hope blogging helps, be kind to yourself, marriage is damn hard work. and you helped me chill tonight.
You will for sure bounce back, P.
I wish you peace and happiness in the new year.
“…each time I had a personal crisis, my career is what helped me rescue myself.” I like this; it’s true. Here is my version of your story:
http://creativecontentcoaching.com/the-benefits-of-taking-a-break/
That’s some article. Your writing is so good–brewed in guilt, steeped in pain, and poured out in anguish. Not all marriages have glass on the floor. Not everyone is so exquisitely sensitive to pain. Not everyone is so irresistible to people who want to heal and fix them until they discover they can’t.
I don’t give advice, and after reading all of those articles you’ve written, I might be fascinated, but I don’t feel pity, although I feel sorrow. I began to read your articles because I have a client like you–needy, ready to abandon any forward work because change is only a promise of more change, not of resolution. Her life is much like yours–harsh, wonderful, anguished.
She asked me to read a book, and I did. It was about something called Borderline Personality Disorder. She was very ashamed, felt exposed, but I was very relieved when I read it. I understood more, I wasn’t so confused, I could be more helpful to her. The book is “The Budda and the Borderline.”
I’m not suggesting you read it, like I said, I don’t give advice. It’s a good book about a topic not a lot of people talk about.
I originally came to this blog for career advice, and then when it would seem more self-serving, I would back off. What amazes me is this attention seeking and the following. Seems to me the numbers were low, it was time to drive it back up.
You wrote manifests of posts about how the farmer’s family could rip him off, and you demanded he stake his claim for the betterment of the relationship.
You write of your vivid success and the money you have made, but can’t pay a tax bill, or any bill for that matter.
You claim to have a “wedding” but not a real one because of your tax issues. Your agreement with the farmer is the only valid item I find in your post. Why would he support a live-in with baggage? He is not your children’s Father, he is not your legal Husband, and watch and see how quickly that plays out.
I hope this drives the traffic up for you and the saga of your career advice can continue. Unless this is a hoax too.
In her post where she got arrested, she claimed a salary of $150,000, which probably puts her on the list of the top three highest paid people in Darlington. And yet three months later she doesn’t the money to move. Either her money management sucks beyond imagination, or her salary claim is inflated. Left to her readers to decide.
Ok, so it is now a week later, how did this all get resolved, or did it? Did you kiss and make up, or is the farmer still at his parents? Subsequent post did not say and I can`t be the only one wondering….
Try to follow your heart not your mind which can really make you happy.
How about try fixing your mind so that you can use it when your broken heart tries to keep you from making the right decision at the right time in your life instead…
As the writer of a blog based on my own journey of personal growth, I was extremely moved by this post. This is the first I have ever read by you, but it made me want to stay. Most people are afraid of revealing themselves to the public (like Paul and Tracy from earlier comments.) But you… YOU, Penelope Trunk, have become an inspiration to many. Myself included.
There was broken glass twice in my household last night during an argument (although no one was hurt during the feud.) There’s something calming about the moment something shatters all around you. I don’t find it particularly crazy. Simply put: it is a release.
Thank you! I hope things have begun to look up a bit more for you, and I can’t wait to dive into more of your posts.
Peace and blessings my friend.
Crazy has its own set of rules when it comes to a lack of perspective. You have admitted all of these faults about you, and you’re threatening to leave him in thought, but when he’s had enough of your crazy and wants to sleep elsewhere you “Won’t let him”.
So far he sounds like the stable ground you need, and you’re doing everything you can to avoid having to take responsibility for fixing your personal life. Yeah, bad things happened to you. No, they weren’t all your fault. It’s still your responsibility to fix.
And, you’re dragging your kids into it and using them as some sort of argument tool. That’s not right, and they deserve better from you.
There’s a difference between you’re crazy and you’re just trying to be responsible for yourself and you’re crazy and you’re threatening to drag everyone to hell with you.
I’m married to an abuse survivor. It’s taken her a lot of therapy, a lot of pain, and a lot of antidepressants just to get her mostly stable. Even then there are days I come home and I want to call a priest to perform an exorcism.
And you know what I do? I’m the farmer. I simply wait her out until she calms down enough to have a meaningful and productive discussion (even if it is an argument) about how to help her next. But, we talk. Not only that we communicate. I can tell her to stop being a bitch, and she can tell me to stop being an asshole, and you know… That’s how we tell the other person that they are being really unreasonable and need to calm the hell down.
You have a man that loves you, who agreed to marry you (even if not quite as a legal standing) knowing that you’re crazy. And you can’t understand that you’re doing wrong by him, yourself, and your kids?
Maybe you need to step back from your career and keeping that together, pay off whatever debts you have, and focus on saving your life. Your real life. Not the you that prattles on about how you wax to feel closer to those you’re trying to market to. The you that you need to be in order to get better.
People talk about how watching your diet is important, and exercise is important, and conflict avoidance is important (it isn’t), and how all of these things are important. But they never stop to tell you that spending money on helping you cope with your mental health issues is important to simply being able to live. That every dime you spend on therapy and medication is a dedication to living your life in less pain.
As for calling his bluff. You’re simply escalating an argument in an attempt to win. If he sets an ultimatum before a talk happens, say OK. Don’t call his bluff in order to feel superior. Give a little so that you can actually start the conversation, and hold him to it.
There is nothing in this world that would get me to leave a woman faster than her repeatedly refusing to deal with her shit. So… Deal with your shit… And sweep up the damn glass, it’s not a metaphor for anything other than a potential trip to the ER for stitches. If you have to start somewhere, start with cleaning up the messes you make instead of just abandoning them.
I went to lunch today with a bunch of coworkers and talked about stuff like you mention in your blog. They looked on in shock and horror and were sorry for me. I hated it. They started offering advice. I also hated that. I wanted camraderie, not judgment.
But it came out later, in private with me alone, that they too have similar issues. Just didn’t know how to share in the group. They did with me though, because I broke the ice.
When I am doing it, I feel like a pariah, but I do it because of what you said. The world becomes a lonely place if we don’t talk about what we are all experiencing. And I refuse to be silenced out of shame. I did that for too long and it ruined me. I’m trying to improve my life now and recognizing and sharing pain is part of that attempt. It may not go swimmingly all the time but it’s a hell of a lot better than it WAS. There IS improvement. It DOES matter.
Anyone who makes a judgmental comment about what you write doesn’t realize that they are allowing your comments to take them out of their own troubles. If they judge you they don’t have to judge themselves. It feels good to feel better than someone else. But no one is, really. Your honesty and vulnerability and bravado helps us tiptoe into ourselves to examine our own rooms of broken glass, and for this, goddamn, I thank you. I don’t possibly know how I could thank you enough.