I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio.
This past week was Spring Break and toward the end, somehow my ex and my nanny fell out of the picture, and I was doing a lot of taking care of the kids, which, I have said before, is not what I’m great at. I wish I were. I tried for four years to be a stay-at-home mom, only to discover that I am not meant to do that.
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: “No school today and the nanny’s on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter.”
I almost didn’t post that Twitter because it’s so banal.
But, in just seconds, because that’s how Twitter works, there was a firestorm of men telling me that I’m a bad mom. Really. Yes.
Here’s one from David Dellifield:
“@penelopetrunk sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we’ll enjoy them for who they are”
I couldn’t believe it. It’s one thing to be a total asshole to me on, say, Yahoo Finance, where someone used to spend a good portion of each day making sure that the C word did not appear in the comments for either Suze Orman’s column or mine. (The best days were when the C word appeared in a way that linked us. Really, those were some creative commenters on Yahoo Finance.) The difference between Twitter and Yahoo is that Twitter is intimate, and real-time, and pointed directly at me, not at the editorial board of Yahoo.
Like many people who are total assholes online, David’s contact info was easy to find. I called him at work, because, big surprise, he is not a stay-at-home dad talking about how everyone should love parenting. He is a dad who is not home all day talking about how everyone should love being home all day with their kids.
There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.
Then I called David Dellifield’s house. I thought maybe his wife would answer and I could ask her if she knows that her husband is emailing other women to encourage them to send more kids to his wife to take care of. All day.
There was no answer. Maybe by then he had alerted his wife that he is being pursued by a psycho who maybe will kill her kids or maybe will kill him. Maybe they will never answer their phone again.
So I wrote to David — a “direct message” in Twitter terminology: “I’m surprised by what you wrote. Are you intentionally being mean to me in a public forum?”
He wrote back: “no, but it seemed you were complaining about your children on an open forum, kids have faults, lets love for who they are”
So here’s the problem: Parents need to be able to say that parenting is not fun. The day-in and day-out of parenting is very, very difficult. This is not even news. There is a reason for the reams of research showing that having kids does not make people happier.
Daniel Gilbert, psychologist at Harvard, writes in Time magazine that we trick ourselves into thinking kids make us happy.
Nattavudh Powdthavee, an economist at the University of York, published research in The Psychologist, that concludes, “Social scientists have found almost zero association between having children and happiness.”
Scott Stanley, a psychologist at University of Denver, reveals research that shows that marriages are much happier before the couple has children.
So first of all, anyone who says that parenting makes them happy is probably lying. Just statistically speaking. But also, we know the people who are well positioned to like parenting. There are sixteen personality types, and only a handful are perfectly tuned for staying home with kids.
People can have competing feelings. For example, I love my job but I hate getting up and going to work every day. Or, I love this blog but I often have to force myself to sit down and write a post.
Competing feelings happen to healthy people everywhere. St. Augustine called this dualism; mommy bloggers call it reality.
It’s a big deal that women are writing publicly, in real time, about how difficult it is to stay home with kids. Look, I get emails every day from women who left the workforce for kids and feel lost. Here’s the blog of a woman who wrote to me two days ago: The Reluctantly Frustrated Stay-at-Home Mom.
These women feel lost because you can love your kids and still be bored. Kids are not nonstop fun. Talking with young children is stultifying. Yes, they are funny. But in general, you have to pay attention to them every second, even though they are not really doing something every second.
And as soon as your mind wanders too far, something bad happens. For example, I took the kids on a hike yesterday, taking a coat for myself but not for them. Because I checked out. Because I wanted to think about things that are more interesting than coats. This is normal behavior. I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that’s not something kids give.
This does not mean I don’t love my kids. Only an asshole would suggest that because I don’t want to stay home with them all day, I must not love them.
And all you people who say you’d love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit.
I know because I was living at the poverty line in NYC while I stayed home with my kids. That’s how important it was to me to stay home. I wanted to be with them for every moment, be a great mom, all that. So I did it no matter what — no financial situation could have stopped me.
And if you really wanted to be home with your kids all day, you’d do it. David: That means you, too. But, newsflash: going to work is 10,000 times easier than staying with kids all day. Yes, I know, staying with kids is more important. I agree. So is saving children from starvation in Malawi. But we each do what we can. And the best of us are honest about it.
For all you guys who Twittered back to me that I’m a bad mom and that I should love being home with my kids, here’s a link for you: CEOs who are on Twitter. Because let me tell you something: None of these people needs to earn the money they are earning. They have enough money. They can stay home with their kids. But instead, they are at work.
David, can you publicly ask each of these guys if they want to send their kids to your wife in Ohio? Because each of these guys is choosing to go to work instead of stay home with their kids. Do you know why? BECAUSE THE CEOs THINK KIDS ARE BORING. This is not news. The top 10% of the tax bracket system does not need to leave their families to go to work every day. But they do. Why is that?
Here’s another idea, David. How about approaching all those guys with Blackberries at soccer games? Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they’re getting a blow job? Of course not. Do you know why? Because it’s INTERESTING. They are checking their blackberries during soccer because soccer is boring. The kids can’t figure out where the goal is. The kids and their parents lose interest. They want snacks more than they want to learn soccer. They are cute, yes. But even cute gets boring.
Here’s another Twitter from David Dellifield: “been on twitter several months, still trying to figure out the conversation part of it”
@DavidDellifield Maybe you don’t understand the conversation because you have so little self-knowledge to add to the party.
Lady, get help. Seriously.
Maybe a phone call to a decent attorney, too.
But I’d start with the shrink.
Love it. You help me. So much suffering comes from others telling me that I should be enjoying something… and I don’t. I am not weird (and you are not weird). I am just facing reality.
No you are not weird, you are just an asshole. News Flash dickhead – life isn’t all about you enjoying it
Most good things don’t happen by chance. One thing that often gets overlooked in our culture is the art of relationship with the emphasis on “being with” versus an emphasis on doing, doing, doing. Yes, what interests kids can be boring to us. I’m guilty. I just don’t want parents to unintentionally miss out on developing a deep rich connection with their kids. I have a book to recommend. It is the Conscious Parent, transforming ourselves, empowering our children by Shefali Tsabary, PhD. The book is an invitation to connect with our children and allow their presence in our lives to be the gift of transformation of who we are at our core. After all, it is this emotional depth of connection that gives our children the emotional intelligence and the secure base from which to succeed.
I agree with those that say parenting isn’t easy, but neither is paving assfault in 80 degree weather. But I do absolutely love it – even the not so great times. I also love being a part of the working world. I’m just not sure one has anything to do with the other. I have only one child. It’s all I could have, and I had him when I was 35, so my perspective is different because I don’t have to deal with sibling rivalry, or boys knocking themselves out on my back lawn.
I look for the humor in the parenting and there is a lot of it there and I couch the most difficult parts with remembering that my father died when I was 18 and I didn’t get enough time with him. Viewing what that feels like from my side of the table I try every single day to give my son a good memory of me. Because tomorrow is not a guarantee.
What would I do, if today was the last day I ever got to spend with him? And if you think about it, this very moment will never come again. E V E R.
But again, I don’t have two, am not a CEO.
And I wouldn’t re-do the toddler years because they were just too exhausting.
Cath
PS. I also don’t believe you hate him. Life is too short and you have too much else on your plate.
What is wrong with you? Publishing someone’s personal info for politely disagreeing with you? And you’re supposed to be some expert on professionalism?
Grow the hell up.
@penelopetrunk: Don’t you think your Mom felt that too when you were a kid? Surely, being a mom is a pain in the neck, we all know that.. BUt if there’s one thing I should be regretful of: that’s when I missed my baby’s 1st steps because I was too focused on work. We should be enjoying every moment we have with our kids.
First off, you mad.
Secondly, if you didn’t like having kids you shouldn’t have had them in the first place.
Thirdly, I am personally offended that you decided to try and wreck David’s career with your one-off blog. Please stop posting.
Oh my God! Loved this post! What a great way to pay back for a snarky, thoughtless comment!!
You just summarised the entire injustice of the proposition that it is only THE MOTHER who is expected to ‘bring children up herself rather than let strangers do it’.
You go girl!
Thoughtless? And you think this penelope is insightful? You are a dick
Way to create a false legacy for this guy…a guy who is now battling cancer and inspiring many through his actions…yet your rant is what people see when they google his name. Shame…
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20110428/SPT/104290348/Meaningful-strides-his-fight-against-cancer?odyssey=nav|head
Interesting irony….
One of the goals of this post was to damage the reputation of the man named in the title.
Two years on, it appears the lasting effect will be to damage PT’s legacy.
As Mike mentions, this is the first result when searching for the subject’s name. Presumably, those doing that search will know something about the subject, but little about Penelope Trunk.
And what will they learn when they click on the first result?
Well, they’ll probably learn that the subject is capable of tossing out platitudes with little forethought. Which gives him something in common with about 95% of the population.
But they’ll also learn a good deal more about Penelope Trunk. And not much of it good.
Seems just to me.
You are freakin’ hilarious!!! I LOVE that you tracked this guy down at work AND at home to tell him about himself. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!
You didn’t do well in school did you Tiana?
First of all half of the comments are missing PT’s point. Those who say they enjoyed EVERY single parenting moment are full of shit.
From my own experience, I could tell from my mother’s and father’s faces that they didn’t like to do some of the shit they did for me. And that’s the reason why parents are so great. It is because even though they don’t want to do it, they still sacrificed their energy and time for their children. I don’t consider those episodes as bad parenting because I know in the future as a parent, I will have the same frustrations. If parenting were easy, we wouldn’t have abandoned children or mothers’ day and fathers’ day. In the end, I had some of the greatest loving parents who gave me the right support when I needed it.
This post can only be characterized by sardonic humor at is worst (or best.) Dave Dellifield is probably a great man but he is not parenting 24/7. He is at work.
PT might be delusional but that is the reason why she is worth reading. I laughed my ass off when I first read this post and finally decided to subscribe.
This is why i love when asshats shove their foot in their proverbial mouth in public; it allows people like you to clarify reality.
Reality is that you can absolutely love & adore people who annoy the crap out of you. You can, in fact, get bored hanging out with people who only want to run around the house with a Ping Pong ball for hours or insist you help them build the biggest, most complicated Lego tower ever while complaining about every brick you place.
I’m a SAHM who 100% chose this life well-knowing I’d be bad at it. I think that my kids are benefiting from my presence, but I am counting the seconds until they are at school for full days so I can move into the next (working) chapter of MY life. Right now my life is about THEM, and I am trying to be as patient as I can until I can get my own back.
Great post, great message, great response to a scattering of ignorant Tweeters.
As an E/INFP and someone who stayed poor to spend time at home with my kids I have to say I agree with every word of this. But then its totally unnatural to be an adult and spend all your time ALONE with kids. Adult human beings are meant to spend time with other adult human beings AND kids. Trouble is, since industrialisation kids can’t be in the adult world, so we have to send one or two adults to be in the kids world to keep them safe. Its lonely and its not the best the human race can do.
Good grief. Penelope Trunk’s skin is way too thin to be getting personal on Twitter.
You have a screw loose, Penelope. Calling him at work and at home over a twitter comment? Maybe if you love working so much, you should leave David alone and get back to work.
Ya this lady is a dim one
WRONG. This guy has a screw loose. He’d never have said that to her if they both were standing in line at the bank…because it is INTIMATELY CLOSER there. Why did he open his mouth and chastise her on twitter? Because the internet separates him from her…so he just assumed he knew what she was all about in 140 characters or less.
I think each person that opens their mouth like this should get an up close and personal visit by the person they criticize to put some perspective back on them…perhaps people won’t be so shallow and empty of empathy and actually have some manners.
He’d never have said that to her if they both were standing in line at the bank, sure…but SHE also wouldn’t have announced her situation to everyone at the bank. She chose to make a public statement when she Twittered. She opened that door.
You can’t take my example, say he wouldn’t have, and then push forward with the same example you just said _wouldn’t happen_ , act like it did happen and use it to prove her wrong. That doesn’t work.
What he did is the equivalent to walking up, out of the blue to someone you don’t know or know nothing about and based on 5 seconds of observation…walk up to them and say “You’re a horrible parent and a bad mother” face to face. Sorry people, that is wrong. Her reaction, no matter what it was is valid. At least she didn’t find him and knock on his door and punch him which is what many people would have done in a more intimate and close example.
I will tell you that if someone wrongs me on the internet…especially about my family or my service (I was in the USAF for 6 years) I would do THE EXACT same thing she did. It’s happened to me and until it happens to you, you don’t know what you would do.
no, that’s not right.
Being a single working mother of two boys I so deeply appreciate this very honest post. I was not fit to stay at home full-time either. That is not the mother my boys got. I was fortunate to have a mother who lives with me to help with their upbringing, but nonetheless, I was not going to be non-stop laughs kind of stay at home mom and exhibit boundless patience. I love that you called him up and called him out! I was on a business trip once where a man my age who also travels a lot on business said,”it must be hard being away from your kids.” “It is, but just out of curiosity have you ever said that to a man – EVER?” He said that he hadn’t and apologized. Small, but important victory. Gentlemen you too can stay home and women don’t feel guilty for providing for your children and living a rich life. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for building a rich life for myself or my children.
I am an older woman with 4 grown daughters and 3 grandkids and I still remember how guilty but exhilarated I felt leaving the kids and going to work for the first time! Granted they were older, 2 yrs old, but you still never lose that guilt. I am amazed how much your blog resonates with me Penelope, even at my age. My oldest daughter is married to a anesthesiologist so doesn’t need to work and she was literally going insane. I finally convinced her to start back to school and get her undergraduate degree. Just that little bit of independence for her, plus getting away from the kids for 5-10 hours a week is making all the difference! Keep going no matter David Dellefields say!
This is a great post. It’s amazing how in 160 characters or less people can be so hurtful on Twitter. I’ve been following your blog for a long time now and I can’t believe I just stumbled upon this post today. Thanks so much!
That the tweet expressing love for kids for who they are is “so hurtful” says more about the reader than the writer.
I think a large part of the “boring” part of parenting is directly from a cultural belief that parents equal entertainers. This is, to put it mildly, a ridiculous way to parent. I’m a mom, not a freakin’ circus clown. I take care of my kids (I have four, by the way, and the oldest is five). I provide for their needs, teach them cool stuff, keep them from dangerous stuff, and otherwise let them entertain themselves. It’s called PLAYING and it’s what kids do best, if we parents would quit with the hokey crafts and mind-numbing songs and just let them work through their own boredom. Most of the time, though, we can’t handle it and intervene with something because we feel guilty or incompetent if our kids aren’t visibly, verbally happy ALL THE TIME.
Anyway. Love the post. I think we parent at our best when we live at our best and throw the obligatory, cultural expectations out the window.
End rant.
http://blufftonicon.com/node/6541
I feel sorry for your kids. You can not blame David for being concerned that you are emotionally abusive to them based on you flippant attitude. Then you go nutso and start being abusive to David…what do you think this proves?
You are an asshole penelope, and so are your fans for supporting your bullshit. Kudos to the haters, you deserve it.
I don’t know where you get all this arrogance, because from what I have seen in just 20 minutes of browsing your posts, you are an idiot.
I feel sorry for you thinking you know what she’s all about after reading a blog post and a tweet.
Why do you feel the need to respond to every supportive post and spew hate?
Penelope hates David. So what? It’s juvenile, but not something to make a big deal about.
The only thing I saw wrong about this post was the comment about keeping the phone number with the thought of potentially “ruining” David’s life at some point in the future. That’s uncalled for, and warrants criticism.
You think Penelope is emotionally abusive? Based on one complaint, that they won’t see anyway? Get over yourself.
Penelope complained about being bored spending time with her kids. So what?
People complain about boring/annoying family members all the time; not to mention coworkers, or bosses, or even friends. If you’ve ever spent time watching children’s television, you’d complain, too. If you’ve ever spent time with someone who has no common interests as you, you’d be bored, too. Kids can be that way sometimes. Complaining about it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them, or care about them. It just means she was bored.
David called her out on her complaint, and in the process implied that she didn’t love her kids. I’d take offense if someone said I didn’t love my family, and I’d let them know it, too. A direct message on Twitter would have been the quickest and easiest response, especially to an anonymous comment on a public forum. However, I don’t think David was anonymous on Twitter; so a phone call isn’t out of line, especially if someone’s information is publicly available. It would certainly be a surprise to the commenter, but has the potential to produce a genuine conversation. Of course, if Penelope called & simply ranted, that would be an unlikely outcome and also unproductive. Since no verbal contact was made, we don’t know what could or would have been said.
The happiness and parenting links in the article are nothing new, as Penelope always posts studies to back up her position.
Again, the comment about potentially ruining David’s life was WAY out of line. Everything else seemed reasonable. Your campaign to comment calling supporters stupid, or some variation on that theme, does not seem reasonable.
What is your biggest issue here?
If you don’t like reading this blog, move along and don’t look back. Me, I’ll simply wait for another post. Some are more insightful than others, so I skip the one’s that aren’t particularly interesting. Life’s too short to get so upset about a petty argument between people you don’t even know.
I can’t believe you put those terrible research stats in there!!! What are you going to do when your kids are teenagers and read this?
You were triggered by his comment not because of his parenting’s point of view, but because you wanted to know more about him as a person. Your anger expressed your desire, Penelope.
People tell me all the time that I’m a horrible mother – I didn’t raise my boys, someone else did. And they tell me this without knowing and without wanting to know the entire story. This is one of the reasons I don’t blog about my boys much.
You are a disgusting human being Penelope. I will never read this blog again.
Kids makes a parent happy. Kids make a parent unhappy. Some people are closeminded assholes and they can make you feel miserable. A few are not. I guess you could be happy he’s not one of your friends…cuz sometimes, very often, ones friends are closeminded assholes….and I am a very positive person….but I shutter to think what would happen if I put out my thoughts through this little box here on what thoughts I have about my own friends right now as I do best to make my way with direct sales marketing with what I have come to know in that realm, as a gift from God.
Go Penelope. Its true CEO s do think their children are boring. Our society has created an entire child raising industry built on guilt and hypocrisy.
Sadly your blog readership has an average IQ lower then most of the children being raised by that system. Ah well
Keep the rage
Jess
WOW.
To all of you with children and younger than I am, I can only tell you that the best part of having children is watching them grow up, going off to college (forget those useless degrees) and hopefully find a rewarding job in a field that they love. Then they need to have some grandkids. But most importantly they must never never ever bounce temporaily or permanently back into your life seeking shelter and sustenance. So teach your children well, you will get through it. And if you have teenagers, rest assured they will come back down to earth one day and you will be able to resume a somewhat normal relationship with them. Good Luck, enjoy every minute because one day you will notice that the time you spent raising your children went by in a giant flash!!
I just loved this post – yes, parenting is really, really challenging! Had to share it… Thanks for artfully putting your feelings out there, and articulating them for many of us!
It’s good to know I’m not the only person bumping into people and
struggling to make conversation! Thanks so much for writing this post.
really? yikes. just a wee mental.
yikes, just a wee mental.
Lady, you are insane. Don’t give me the Asperger’s nonsense. You’re a stalker and a lunatic. I can’t believe you have the nerve to give advice on anything
I’m not sure confessing to harassing your readers at work and publicly threatening to “ruin their lives” is the kind of thing you want to be doing. Just sayin’. ;)
@P you’re my hero. The personal posts make you fathomable and human to me. (ENFJ but I think I lied on the test because I’m not that good with people. Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not.)
I learn a lot from you and the commenters bring it home. How dare anyone try to tell you how to be!
Freakin Epic. David is clearly a loser who pays more attention to your twitter than his own kids. And yea kids can be cute but they can also suck. The sun doesnt shine all day every single day. Join earth David you stupid douche….
Thank god for this post. No, children are not nonstop fun otherwise we wouldn’t have so many methods of birth control on the market. I have a two month old son and I would say I am happier now that he is here, but that was because I desperately wanted a baby. Kids can make you happier if you really want them and don’t have them, and even then, there are parts of parenting that suck. I love cuddling my baby and hate the god damned ordeal it is to get him into his car seat. I love feeding him and hate changing his diapers, which is a disgustingly gross chore. I spend hours staring at photos of him and wish wish wish I could just get up and go antiquing like I used to. I am trying to enjoy every minute with him because I know that this time is temporary and I will have more child free days in the house throughout my life than not. And thank god for that. Cherished *only* child for the win!
I had to smile when I clicked on the personality type that is supposed to be perfectly tuned to spend time with kids. I am an INFP and I have no desire to even have kids, let alone hang out with them.
I just found your blog recently, and at first I was undecided whether to like it or not, but as I read I realized how human your posts are, and have learnt so much from it.
I love you, Penelope Trunk. This is my favorite post ever.
It’s a scary thing for men when women admit kids are boring. Kids are boring.
i am not yet a mother and am not sure that i ever really want to be one but i must say, you ripped mr. dellifield a new asshole in the soundest, most grounded fashion. brava!
Penelope, take a leaf out of your own book of finding “self knowledge” and just…. Be Nice. Hatred, vitriol and abuse is really not cool, for anybody on this earth.
I’m a “bored stay at home mum” too, but David didn’t deserve to be publicly crucified and humiliated and harassed and stalked…
Watch out Farmer- don’t disagree with your new wife- EVER!
Wow. I’m actually not sure if this blog is a parody, given this post, but it looks to be real…
Your reaction was way over the top. You appear to have fine potential as a stalker. Trying to phone them? “so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson”? Completely out of all proportion to a comment on Twitter.
All the other commenters here who didn’t bat an eyelid at Penelope trying to phone the guy and talking of “ruining his life” — erm, wtf?
If you can’t see how plain nutso your behaviour is, I pity you.
Please don’t stalk me for writing this.
Great post Penelope, people are soooo funny when they get all worked up and passionate about a topic (and that’s just the people leaving comments on here) but your honesty is what I love. whether people agree or disagree with your rant of dumb ass David and his close-minded comments, it’s your life, your feelings and you told it how it is so go girl!!! Its also nice to see that you leave all comments on your page, not just the positive ones that take your side. Very entertaining!
Wow, superb weblog structure! How long have you ever been blogging
for? you made running a blog look easy. The
full glance of your site is excellent, as smartly as the content!
thats lool very funny to me
Every time i read this post it makes me smile.
Ohmygodd. Every time I read you, I learn something about myself. I had entire posts on my old blog(now gone) talking about being judged because I’m annoyed with my kids rather than paying someone else to be annoyed by them. There are days when I honestly do not know what to do because they are fighting and I cannot make them stop. I have loads of free advice, but nine of my advisors have lived through six distinct personalities dwelling in a minuscule space together trying to sort out a hierarchy. Daily. All this because I chose to stay home (at the time I was brainwashed into believing I had no other choice.)
How did I just discover this Aspie trainwreck? Oh Penelope you are amazing.