I am on a campaign to make my husband a stay-at-home parent. I am convinced that this is a precondition for me having a huge career, but also, it's a precondition for the sanity of our family.

After a generation of two-income families, there is little anecdotal evidence to show that a family can survive with two spouses in high-powered, time demanding careers with children at home. Invariably, one spouse takes a slower career path in order to support the children and high-powered spouse in their endeavors.

Before I launch into the intricacies of my own family, here are some facts that will affect your family, too:

1. There is no equality in taking care of kids. Even if there is a full-time nanny, one parent feels the majority of the burden on sick days, parent-teacher conferences, Halloween and soccer games.

2. Among highly educated women with children, 43 percent have left the workforce voluntarily during their first eight years.

3. Most women at the very top of the corporate ladder are not the primary caretakers of children. The women either have no children or have a husband taking care of the kids.

4. Women who are parents are held to significantly higher standards at work than women and men who are childless and men who are parents.

5. Women and men have parity in pay until they have children. Then women who are parents earn less money for doing the same job that men who are parents do.

So look, I don't mean to be a buzz-kill on the feminist revolution, but more like a reality check: If you want kids, don't marry a lawyer who is going to work 16-hour days if you want to work 16 hours a day, too.

Lately, I have been experiencing these statistics first hand. I am the primary caretaker of our son, I handle all household things ranging from moving the 401K to buying nieces birthday presents, and on top of that, I earn as much as my husband does. When I tell him I'm doing too much, he says, “You're right. So stop doing so much.” And he proceeds to tell me why things that I see as essential — like getting a set of keys to the babysitter — do not need to be done.

So when my husband's job ended, I told him I didn't want him to get another office job. He was shocked. I explained to him, over about ten hours of heated discussion, that I couldn't keep doing everything without help from him at home. I tried to put it in terms he'd understand: Our bedroom heater had been off for more than half the winter because no one could stay home for a whole day to accommodate the parade of specialists who needed to come to our apartment to fix it.

Then I put it in harsher terms: I have very high earning power and which I cannot realize if he does not stay home to facilitate it. “You do not have high earning power,” I told him, as gently as I could, which surely was not. I spewed statistics to him, and I told him my conclusion that one person needs to be on the not-fast-track and I don't want it to be me.

So, okay, he's agreed, on some level, to give up the idea of a full-time job outside the home. It should be a victory for me, but it does not feel that way. My husband has the same problem that all people who stay home have: It's often boring, and always much harder than going to an office. And there are few rewarding job opportunities for people whose first job is to maintain a home.

Additionally, I have spoken to a few women who have a stay-at-home husband they say it is hell for the men socially. This news should not come as a surprise because most high-powered women who have men at home taking care of their kids will not talk about it on record in order to protect their husband's ego.

In fact, we have already experienced the social problems. When we tell people my husband is going to stay home, people say, “And do what? He can't just stay home.”

On the other hand, when I tell people that my husband has decided to stay home and I'll be the one working, people raise their eyebrows, and they talk to me differently. They take me more seriously. It shouldn't be that way, but since it is, I'm glad I found a husband who is willing to try staying home. I can't tell you that he's going to be happy. But I'm happy that we're giving it a try.

5 replies
  1. Meenakshi.V
    Meenakshi.V says:

    Hai Iam Meenakshi from Tamilnadu, India. Now iam working as a Counsellor in a Computer Centre.
    I am interested to doing job by staying in a home through computer – Online. And I am not having any Idea how to get a Job. So please give me any Idea and help me for my future.

    * * * * * *

    Hi, Meenakshi. You highlight one of the biggest problems in the workplace today, which is that many, many people want a flexible job they can do from home, but very few companies offer jobs like this.

    It’s very hard to get a job you can do from home. Here are two ways to get a job like that. You can work for a while at a company and prove your worth and then manoeuver yourself into a position that you can slowly do more and more from home. This tactic take long preparation and dilligent focus.

    Another thing to do is to start your own business. It’s easier than ever to start a business because of the Internet. Here is a post to get you thinking about that:

    http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/09/17/9-new-ideas-that-may-sway-on-the-fence-entrepreneurs/

    Good luck!

    Penelope

  2. susan
    susan says:

    My husband is stay at home and it is a disaster. I earn the money and get to come home and do all cooking and cleaning. Children are badly cared for. I cannot get him to go back to work.
    I would be very careful about entering into this arrangement.

  3. Anthony Lee
    Anthony Lee says:

    Hi,

    My name is Anthony and Im a stay home dad….(Sounds like an introductory line at an AA meeting). We have 6 children all under 10 years old the youngest just turned 1. My wife is a Doctor here in Brisbane Australia.

    I have been a stay home dad for close to 10 years now and by now should be used to it..IM NOT! It’s a damn hard job sometimes. I do all the school drop off and pick ups / most of the housework and cooking. We have a housekeeper who comes in on the afternoons to help but I end up listening to her marital problems most of the time.

    It’s a lonely job and my social skills are declining by the minute as I have little “human” contact outside home. When we do go out on the rare occasion I find myself hugging the wall and avoiding eye contact for fear of getting drawn into conversations that dont involve the latest episodes of Sesame Street or Rugrats.

    Im now in my late 40’s and any prospects I have of going back to work in the real world seem slim.

    HELP!

    • Anthony
      Anthony says:

      hi there, are you still looking for that work from home job you were asking about? If so get ahold of me and maybe I can help you out. Hope you are enjoying your day.

      Sincerely

      Brystal

  4. matchmaker
    matchmaker says:

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