Success requires balancing being right with being nice

See that picture of my son?  I tell him all the time he is not being nice. “Be nice.” I tell him. “If you are not nice then people won’t like you.” So he surprised me by writing it on his hand.

An example of him not being nice is that he doesn’t see that when people play a game together, they care if the other person has fun even though both people try to win. My son does not understand this nuance. So he seems mean. But mean is actually a really complicated intention that people with Aspergers Syndrome don’t have. I have Aspergers as well, so I understand that to my son it looks like a time waste to be intentionally mean. Being direct is so much easier.

This is true for me, as well. For instance, as I have become completely obsessed with my research about homeschooling, I have discovered that the top-tier universities are set up to favor homeschoolers over everyone else. And the most expensive private schools are aware of this and they are switching over to a homeschool model.

So I am trying to tell everyone: “Your kid’s school sucks and your own education sucks and you are going to get trounced in the workplace if you don’t start thinking about learning differently before generation Z makes you unemployable.”

I am trying to say this nicely so that you listen because I know that normal people listen when someone is nice. But no one will listen to me, because no one wants to hear that they are being delusional about what they are choosing for their kids. I get it.

For me, the real challenge with being nice comes from how someone with Aspergers cares so much more about being right than being nice. I told my son that he is really truly nice and I understand how hard it is to follow the conventions of sort of lying to be nice. I mean, is it lying that you want to win or is it lying that you want the other person to have a good time playing? How can you have both?

It’s driving me nuts that everyone is not listening to me and taking their kid out of school. I have written about how the costs of homeschooling are almost nothing. You don’t have to be a teacher. Kids don’t need a school teacherThey don’t need to learn math. (Really. Just read the link, okay?) They don’t need to be well-rounded. They just need to be left alone so they can do self-directed learning.

And do you know what the most non-controversial thing in all of education reform is? That customized, self-directed learning is by far the most effective for developing children into effective, happy, self-reliant adults. And public school is in no position to promote self-directed learning because it’s too demanding of adult supervision to be possible in a classroom of even 20 kids and one teacher.

My editor tells me my posts where I scream at you about homeschooling have no charm and I can’t run them. Melissa tells me that I’m obsessed with homeschooling and people are sick of hearing me talk about it.

But I’m right. I can’t stand that I’m right and everyone is not admitting that I’m right.

Well, almost everyone isn’t. The New York Times wrote about how my blog is showing that I’m right about homeschooling, and that it works. And already the first company has hired me to tell them how corporate life will be different because the next generation will be educated so differently than generations before them.

But I don’t care. I want all of you think that I’m right. I want the comments section to be filled with comments like, you’re right. I’m taking my kid out of school tomorrow and I’m going to homeschool and everything you say makes perfect sense.

Have I ever told you about the research about what really motivates entrepreneurs? It’s not money. It’s the need to be right about what they see. So you can see here why I keep starting companies. I should do that. Because even if I got 1000 comments, I don’t think I’d feel like I’m right in a big enough way unless I had a company. For me, a company is about being right. Do you know why I love my companies? Because I was right all three times. God I love being right.

The first two attempts I made at writing blog posts ranting about homeschooling, my editor told me to just throw them out. It’s not fun to read stuff like that, he said. Which is particularly bad coming from him because his wife homeschools their kids. So if anyone could relish a rant about being right about homeschooling, you’d think it would be him.

Hold on. Don’t leave. I have something interesting to say. Finally. I think I had to just get the homeschool stuff off my chest. I just needed to give you the links. You know. Take a horse to water. So what if you don’t want to drink? Now I can move on.

Here is a Ted Talk from Michael Shermer about dopamine. People with more dopamine see more patterns, and creativity comes from patterns. If you have elevated dopamine you see more patterns than everyone else, and you look gifted. If you have really elevated dopamine you are obsessed with patterns to the exclusion of everything else and you look crazy. Autistic people have very very high dopaminePeople with Aspergers have elevated dopamine. The perfect amount to be a genius about patterns is what I like to think, since I am a person with Aspergers.

Also, I see trends because I see patterns. And I look like I read way more than I do because I’m able to use so much of what I read because I can see patterns in information. At first I thought everyone saw the patterns, but every so often I get paid to train someone to write like I do, and I am stunned that they don’t see patterns. I need to remember to be nice to them, which I am not. But it is nice of me to tell them they can’t write like this. Try the personal essay I tell them. Most people will suck at the personal essay. But I know people love it when you tell them to write about themselves. See? I have learned one way to be nice like a normal person is nice.

I learned that because I, like most people with Aspergers, want to be liked so much. So so so so much. It’s just that all the things normal people do in order to be liked are inaccessible to someone with Aspergers. Like showing interest in other people. It’s very difficult to figure out why people are so interested in other people. I don’t know. I mean, I am interested if will help me write posts where I see patterns. And I’m interested if the person will be able, somehow to like me. But I don’t think this is how neurotypical people are interested in other people.

I want you to like me. It’s very important. So I am not writing a post about homeschooling. I’m writing a post about you.

Another thing I have to teach my son is to shut up. People don’t want to hear everything you know. They want to hear a little about your feelings and then you ask about theirs. I tell that to my son: Stop talking. No one cares.

And then my editor tells me that. He says, “There is nothing here about you, personally.” Which is his way of saying to stop talking because no one cares.

This post has a lot of links. They are my gifts to you, even if you don’t click. I want you to like me. I can’t offer up the stuff I am supposed to offer up to be nice. But I can try to stop screaming at you about homeschooling, and I can tell you I am so so happy that you got to the end of this post. Thank you.

 

 

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  1. Maria
    Maria says:

    My degree was a waste of 20k. I should have spent that 20k on lessons to develop my skills in my specialty, instead of becoming a well-rounded student. But no one explained to me what kind of education I was purchasing.

    I’m still young, but I feel like I’m working to catch-up to the people my age who didn’t waste 4 years getting distracted by pointless classes, and then another 4 years trying to make a piece of paper compensate for lack of skills.

    So, thank you for pushing the message forward! Your blog has been very helpful in my journey.

  2. Jenn
    Jenn says:

    Success is balance between being right and being nice.

    Maybe success in a family is a balance between homeschooling and taking care of yourself and your husband.

    Maybe it’s no coincidence that this blog is about how much P. wants to be “right” about homeschooling, and the previous post was about how her whole family might be falling apart.

    How good does a homeschooled kid with a sporadic family life and home turn out?

    Maybe kids need a school/babysitter until Mom and Dad can figure it out.

    Maybe forcing the family to cooperate in P’s big experiment to be right, is going to destroy the family.

    Success is balance between being right and being nice.

    Not trying to be mean, but there’s some writing on the wall here that nobody has mentioned.

  3. Arachna
    Arachna says:

    I like you.

    I don’t like how you don’t seem to value yourself and translate that to saying/screaming that all mothers shouldn’t value themselves.

    I like myself and I value myself and if I don’t like homeschooling I won’t do it. I’m not interested in sacrificing for my children unless it’s absolutely necessary. Some theoretical “best” in kid’s learning is not my idea of “necessary”.

    I will provide my children with the basics, I will love them and make sure they know they are loved, and I will not scream at them (often) or be in any other way abusive. Given this I am certain they will be just fine. If they are miserable in school I’ll switch schools. I suspect we’ll be able to send them to an expensive private school if that seems the best fit.

    Whatever you do with kid’s schooling is a lot less important than who the kids are and who you are in determining their adult lives.

    But, I think I might like at least partial homeschooling. So I might well try it. And that’s in large part thanks to your blog.

  4. Stefanie
    Stefanie says:

    Marci Alboher turned me on to your blog and I read every word. You are right about home schooling but I would suck at being home with my son. I’d be miserable and he would too. He needed his friends to grow and learn and I needed my work.

  5. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    I don’t have Aspergers, but growing up I was a lot like you’re describing. I learned the hard way that being smart you want to make arguments and you want to win, and it’s easy to let that overshadow everything else (especially when you KNOW you’re right). My mom is much gentler than I am, and I remember once being 10 or 11 and she was wrong about something and I couldn’t get her to see it. So I kept beating the point home, trying to get her to realize how stupid she was being. Eventually she retreated to her room crying, and my (very Italian and very angry) dad came out and put me in my place. He said in the most stern voice anyone has ever had, “Jennifer, I don’t care if you’re right. You made your mom cry, and I love her. Even more than that, you love her. You’ll make a lot of great points in your life, but no one will give a fuck because no one will want you in their life.” We had a similar fight about 15 years later, when I was in college. He told me again that if I didn’t learn to be gentle with people then no one would ever care about my good qualities or what I was saying. It’s been a long and hard lesson to learn, and it’s more of a practice than something I’ll ever “figure out,” but I’ve definitely never regretted the days that I took a deep breath and forced myself to be gentle.

    Posted in: Attitude, Inspiration, Kindness, Life, Love Author: Wayne Dyer

    “Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you.” – Wayne Dyer

  6. Helen W
    Helen W says:

    I am not convinced. The ship has sailed for my own child in any case, but school teaches you so much about social hierarchy and trying to improve your level over the years, that it parallels getting ahead in your career later in life. To me, the training you get in school about human relationships seem invaluable. I truly believe that people skills are PARAMOUNT in getting ahead in most areas of life.

    Academically, I agree that the standard school model indeed sucks with their one size fits all mentality, but let’s face it, most of us sadly need the free babysitting.

  7. Natasha
    Natasha says:

    Yep – I think I might be a lot like you. I am right. And I’ll go to any length to make people understand I’m right, even if it means harming my relationship with them.

    N

  8. Jenn
    Jenn says:

    ? Can the benefits of homeschooling overcome a divorce and a move? What if the homeschooling exacerbates the problem that causes a divorce and a move?

  9. Kristen
    Kristen says:

    I agree wih you on som points but not all of them. This is your OPINION. It is not fact. You tend to site the same expert, Lisa Nielsen, over and over again. She agrees with you or you agree with her. You also pick articles in respectable magazines which agree with you and never site ones that don’t. And there are a lot of them that don’t. In the science or medical world this is seen as BS and in a peer-reviewed journal you would be called out by people that are passionate about this subject as well.

    You are experimenting with your children. They only have one shot at a childhood. This is fine. They are your children. This is true for everybody’s kids. But you cannot raise or educate them by consensus. Even if everyone in the world agrees with you it does not mean that you are right. There are hundreds of examples in history of this phenomenon. Public school may very well be the latest one. Then again, it may not. The good news is, that whether or not you are right, your kids will probably be fine. Hell, even Anne Frank was enjoying herself at times.

  10. Shandra
    Shandra says:

    I think homeschooling is interesting, but hugely inefficient and also I think as usual, it’s women who are expected to give up their careers, supposedly because they want to (I don’t mean just top level careers either…the idea that women are either satisfied at the top or not at all is suspect) in order to provide not just a good-enough experience for their kids, but the Absolute Best Education Ever Known to Mankind, Ever! It will be interesting to see what the women who decide to homeschool rather than build their own careers say about that choice in 15 years or so.

    I don’t take the studies too seriously because right now, duh, the people who homeschool and then actually go to universities (leaving out the Christian ones who go to Christian colleges) are the leading edge, highly motivated families highly dedicated to that mode of education. But there are cautionary tales out there to show it’s not a guaranteed success even so.

    Staying out of poverty helps too of course. Biggest predictor, really.

  11. Ang
    Ang says:

    I don’t have kids, so don’t really know where I would truly sit in the whole ‘should I or shouldn’t I homeschool’ debate if I were making a decision for my own child. However, I strongly believe that if I have kids I will not be relying on schools to be providing all of their education. I also think that having the option of ‘conventional’ schooling available is still essential. It is an unfortunate fact that not every parent has the personal skills/tools to guide a child through life, and I’m not just referring to time and/or money. In some cases parents can’t even manage their own lives enough to provide decent care for their child. Schools and teachers can be a positive influence and a safe place for kids coming from unstable homes. I’m not saying it works this way all the time – but it can just be the thing that helps a kid get through to the other side.

  12. Lauren
    Lauren says:

    Whether you’re right or not, I like you. You always make me think. I appreciate your directness, and your ability to see patterns. Your blog is smart, but I love that you have heart.

    Don’t have kids. No idea if I will homeschool, but I would’ve laughed at the suggestion before reading your blog. The fact that you have people thinking about homeschooling is huge. There are lots of barriers that prevent people from making changes in their lives, but that doesn’t mean your ideas aren’t more on their radar, or that they don’t like you.

    Keep writing, I’ll keep reading.

  13. LW
    LW says:

    You may well be right, but I am selfish. I’d strangle my (lovely, delightful, well behaved, curious, into learning) girls in a morning if I had responsibility for helping them learn.
    And I work for my sanity (ENFJ.. want to be all things to all people!). So I recognise my limitations and preferences, acknowledge my selfishness, and happily send them off to a school environment they love, fully understanding that it won’t provide 100% of the benefit they might get from homeschooling. I can still sleep at night thankfully!

  14. Zee
    Zee says:

    Hey P!
    It’s so curious this topic you touch on. I’ve been having a dilemma with my daughter who is in 3rd grade. She has this friend who she shares her lunch with and it’s making me crazy.
    I worry she isn’t eating enough of her lunch to keep her full just so she can share and be liked. I ask if her friend shares her own lunch too, and she does. I even resorted to cutting her sandwhich dissproportionally on purpose hopping she shares the small piece and eats the bigger piece. When I asked if she noticed my daughter said yes but she shared the bigger piece anyway. So I lost it and started screaming in the car on the way home from school. Then we had a talk. I explained to her that my goal is to teach her to take care of herself first. Only after she eats enough of her own food to feel full should she then share. I know sharing is important for kids. They want to be liked. But I explain to her being selfish is important. Self-reliance is important. But so is being kind. I tell her it’s OK not being liked, not everyone will. I insist she doesn’t give in to peer pressure JUST to be liked. It’s OK if some people don’t like you. I repeat over and over. I’m teaching her to be selfish…but to be kind. The irony of this is that because of her leadership skills and confidence, she is super easy going and gets along with everyone. She has never been bullied and has friends. Her
    teachers love her and she gets excellent grades. And I just want her to not give a f$#@ about being liked. The irony.

  15. Victoria
    Victoria says:

    My husband and I have agreed to homeschool our kids, when we have them. It’s such an obvious choice. We’ve lived in three countries in four years and none of them are producing well rounded students. There’s a difference between being literate and being educated — able to think for yourself. I want to raise human beings who know themselves, are okay with themselves and can adapt. I am the primary breadwinner in my household. That means if I want to homeschool my kids, I also need to earn enough to pay for tutors because I can’t afford to stop working to stay home and teach them myself (and I’d probably be terrible at it). You’re not alone in your point of view.

  16. Cristen H
    Cristen H says:

    Oh P, you know we love you. And of course I think you are right. That’s because we had already begun the unschooling endeavor before we found you. In fact, my husband discovered this blog while figuring out how to unschool his own life, looking to fly from the dull cage of corporate life to something more balanced, that allows him to actually be present for his kids’ lives.
    To all those naysayers out there who use socialization as their main argument, I say socialize to what? What advantage is there to tolerating a desk? What advantage is there to tolerating authority without room for question? What advantage is there to accepting cliques as social order? What advantage is there to having your classmates and teachers change year after year, discouraging long developed relationships? If you aspire to success in corporate America, for yourself or your kids, then by all means, this is the socialization for you.
    I think we really need a new name for choosing to be free of school, because we are by no means stuck at home. My young kids have a very diverse and awesome social circle. We meet up at museums, parks, go camping, and travel together. Kids interact in the actual real world, with many different ages and abilities. As they grow, they have all the local sports teams and extra-curricular classes available to them, as well as the ever-growing lists of classes available weekdays to homeschoolers. A parent who opts out of school does not necessarily opt out of the world, likewise, kids outside of school are not outside of the world. They discover please and thank you and beyond because that’s how we live in the world. They learn early on that they can be and are trusted, are trustworthy, and their own ideas are worthy of time and development. How many of us can say that about our childhood? My kids are not precious, they are not gifted, they are not too good for school. We simply respect them, and trust them. And that may be all the socialization we need.

  17. Karen
    Karen says:

    Do you think you would homeschool if you lived in New York still?
    Do you think you’d be too caught up in the “my kid has to go to the best NYC schools” syndrome to have noticed the patterns?

  18. Andrew
    Andrew says:

    I think the best balance between being right vs. being nice lies in the way you handle it, not in the actual outcome. I’ve struggled in my own private thinking in figuring out how to articulate this balance in the right way, since I have certainly seen both plenty of

    Try to be right on the basis of the facts, not on the basis of winning

  19. Andrew
    Andrew says:

    Penelope,

    I think the best balance between being right vs. being nice lies in the way you handle it, not in the actual outcome. I’ve often struggled on how to articulate this balance the right way, since I have certainly seen my fair share of extremes on both axes: i.e., being nice vs. being a jerk, and being right vs. being a pushover / “yes” man.

    And the conclusion I’ve come to is that, other things being equal, on balance, it’s better to be nice to people — because, as they say, I may not remember what you said, but I will certainly remember how you made me feel.

    To be sure, sometimes you do need to stick to your guns, though. And when you have to do this, I believe the best approach is to be “right” by committing to getting the facts right, NOT by committing to winning the argument. If you genuinely show you’re interested in having a fact-based discussion where you are genuinely trying to get to the right answer, then people are much more likely to listen to you and “search” for that answer with you, even if the outcome is ultimately unfavorable to them.

    But if you position yourself (even if only in your heart) as needing to win, then pride enters the picture, and whenever pride enters the picture, it immediately poisons the conversational dynamics. The conversation subtly turns into a confrontation. And confrontations are not won on the basis of getting to the right answer. They are won on the basis of strength. So, in these situations, it is very easy for the more forceful person to “win” the argument, but to entirely lose the other person’s respect because they now see you as a jerk. You won the battle but lost the war. And since people don’t remember exactly what you said, but they viscerally remember how you made them feel, that’s how grudges can linger for years after even trivial arguments.

    The optimal path, in my view, is picking your battles sparingly in the first place; then discussing (and not arguing) in a fact-driven way that is genuinely intended to get to the right answer (which also means being genuinely open to changing your mind); trying to keep pride out of the conversation as much as possible; and being comfortable with the fact that not everyone will change her mind, because, let’s face it, change is hard. The most you can do is explain the facts as you see them, invite them to consider your perspective (and listen to theirs), and then let them decide.

    Inspire, but don’t force.

  20. jane
    jane says:

    Interesting. Some people care about being right (introverts, geeks, those with Asperger’s), and others about being nice and/or liked (pretty girls wearing all pink, some presidential candidates).

    It takes just the right combination, some focus on being nice, and some – on being right, to achieve success in a human society, because (surprise!) only those who are both right and nice win the ultimate prize. I am not going to be homeschooling my daughter, but I will make sure to teach her that.

  21. LizH
    LizH says:

    “I can’t stand that I’m right and everyone is not admitting that I’m right.”

    I don’t think it’s this simple. I think you need a critical mass of other parents to do the same thing you’re doing (1) to validate your choice as a good parent and (2) for the option to become mainstream enough that your children don’t suffer ostracism at some point down the line.

    If homeschooling becomes the “it” thing for educated people to do, and those kids get into the best colleges, then you and your children will also benefit. If homeschooling stays on the fringe, you and your children stay on the fringe.

    I can see why you want to recruit (most minority groups do), but the truth is that homeschooling is not for every child or every parent.

  22. Elena
    Elena says:

    Kids are fun. Homeschooling them wouldn’t be. We slave away to send our kids to 30k/year private schools so we can enjoy the EXPERTS making awesome little people out of them. I wouldn’t encourage all the dumb-dumbs out there to attempt to teach their children anything. Most people are not like you. I agree that public school is sub-par but most of the irresponsible people out there, that just happened to have kids, even with the best intentions, won’t necessarily do a better job.

    ps… I think you’re great!

  23. Nick
    Nick says:

    Whenever someone proclaims that there is only one correct way to accomplish something, it seem like a closed mind to me. But then again, as you say this post isn’t really about homeschooling, it’s about needing to be right, and to have everyone agree that you’re right.

    And that’s a problem in the world today and, maybe especially, the United States. Take the election – you have two sides each of which are absolutely CERTAIN that they’re right. And they have data to prove it. And they will scream and yell until everyone agrees.

    Except everyone will NOT agree. That’s the way that the world works. And thrives. When there’s a healthy degree of disagreement, of alternate approaches, then new, better ways of doing things will emerge. Evolution, if you will.

    As an aside, maybe it’s just me but your last couple posts have seemed more scattered and unfocused than usual. Any reason for that?

  24. INFJ
    INFJ says:

    Boy are you right! You never have a boring column, and its never dull with whats going on inside your head.

    Thanks.

    This is the only blog I’ll read *all* the comments in.

  25. Liz
    Liz says:

    Hi Penelope,

    You say that children “just need to be left alone so they can do self-directed learning” and so I am wondering how you feel about Montessori schooling? My sister and I went to a Montessori elementary school where we were basically thrown in a room with a science corner, math corner, painting corner, reading corner, etc. I avoided the math corner at all costs. I loved going to the science corner and trying different experiments, although, when I got to high school science it was a different story – I only passed chemistry because my teacher was morally opposed to failing anyone. I realized that loving science experiments meant nothing if I could not memorize terms and formulas enough to be able to pass tests. What are your thoughts on the integration of homeschooling or Montessori learning into institutionalized learning that will eventually produce a degree? Just wondering.

    Thanks,
    Liz

  26. aylin
    aylin says:

    Hi from Turkey Penelope.
    I think you are so so so right.
    And i like you so so so much.
    Truth.
    Dont listen to your editor.
    please :)

  27. Jeff
    Jeff says:

    Your so proud of your ability to see patterns that you haven’t even considered that you might be wrong. If you were as smart as you think you are you would know that the probabilities are quite high that you are quite wrong and are deluding yourself by only reading research that agrees with your current bias.

    Most people won’t tell you this because they want to be nice. But you don’t care about nice. So here is the truth: You are blinded by vanity and wouldn’t know reality if it screamed at you. Let me know if you really prefer this straight talk over the 100s of posts telling you nice things.

  28. Lindsey
    Lindsey says:

    You’re right. I suffered in public school because I was always bored and when I got to college I realized I knew half of what I wanted to know. After reading your posts about homeschool, I convinced my sister to send her kid to Montessori school, which I think will be much better than public school.

    And, I like you a lot. I job-hopped, I sacrificed good job titles for positions with more learning potential, and I struggled with big life decisions. My friends went the corporate route and hated it, but my mentors didn’t understand my ideas or challenges, so I thought I was crazy. Until I found your blog and realized I am a typical Gen-Y and a poster child for my personality type. I finally got the advice I needed to put my life together. Thanks for your advice. Thanks for allowing me to see the world and my options clearly.

  29. Nancy in MN
    Nancy in MN says:

    I’ve commented her before once or twice. My son, who also has a recent Aspergers diagnosis, has been begging me to home school. My problem, I need to work full time, and my son is absolutely not a self starter. Is this a typical Asperger behavior or is this something I can help my son work through? He is in 8th grade now, and as most aspies, has no friends. He is confrontational with kids in school that he should be avoiding (the biggest bullies, the kids with emotional issues that will not think twice about hurting his 4ft 10″ self.) I fear High School will be emotionally damaging for him – but fear that home school will be a disaster.

  30. Alan
    Alan says:

    I just can’t believe that every kid is self-motivated. Most of the kids I was in grade school with would never do anything that they didn’t have to, and did little that they did have to.

    And, I’m worse that any of them. If I didn’t have to go to school I’d have spent my whole life on Welfare.

    • Penelope Trunk
      Penelope Trunk says:

      Everyone is motivated to do what they like. Kids get forced to do what they don’t like, and then we teach them that they are not intrinsically motivated. You included: your poor self-esteem comes from people telling you that it’s right to do stuff with your life that you don’t care about. So you force yourself, rather than search for stuff to do that you care about.

      Penelope

  31. Frank
    Frank says:

    OK I agree homeschooling is great, but what about social education. Is it possible to get social intelligent in an isolated environment?

  32. Michelle
    Michelle says:

    I didn’t realize others don’t see the patterns.

    A lot of things make sense now.

    But, am I truly a pattern-seer if I can’t see the pattern of other people not seeing the patterns? Time to quit thinking. ;-)

  33. Tami
    Tami says:

    I am currently in my tenth year of teaching public high school. I am a single mother (widowed) and have two young children. At this point, I have no choice but to work, though I certainly have hopes of a career change in the future. Both of my children have started school. One is in kindergarten and one is in pre-kindergarten. I’m so disillusioned from my own years as a teacher that I dread sending my kids off to be educated in the public school system. Luckily they have me on their side and I will always encourage self-directed learning, which is by far the most genuine kind of learning. So, I firmly agree, home schooling would be best. You are right. Now I just need to find a portal to the alternate universe that I hope exists where I have the money and time to make it happen for my kids.

  34. Sophie Shinta-Langsford
    Sophie Shinta-Langsford says:

    Thanks for being so open.
    I just found out a couple weeks ago that both my husband and son has asperger. And yes, i decided to homeschool him.. Not easy since i live in indonesia.. But i’ll find a way. Thanks for being brave…

  35. Tammy Lavorato
    Tammy Lavorato says:

    Penelope-You are right and I like you! I have a 26 year old Aspie Son who I home schooled. It was the right decision. One of his biggest challenges since childhood has been the exact one you describe in this blog. I have never been able to convince him that is it more important to be nice than be right. Many times as a little boy he would take a long time out in his room rather than admit he did something wrong. As an Adult he has sacrificed many jobs for the same reason. How did you conquer that?

  36. Nicole Graham
    Nicole Graham says:

    You’re right. Absolutely right about homeschooling/unschooling, etc. I absolutely did not allow my children to do any homework until they reached high school age. I wanted to keep them home for their education but I wasn’t there since I was a single mom with 4 or 5 children (depending on the day) and someone needed to make some money! Unfortunately, that person was me. With my last child, I tried to convince her to homeschool/unschool instead of going to high school but she wouldn’t go for it. She’s adopted from Haiti and the idea has always been that part of the reason she was placed for adoption by her mother was so that she could go to school. Maybe it will work with my grandchildren – I certainly hope so.

  37. Vanessa
    Vanessa says:

    I don’t suffer from any kind of autism, that I know of. The same thoughts you described go through my head (scream to be more exact) again and again, when I’m ‘socializing’ with other people.

    I too memorized what I needed to say and do for other people to like me, because when I’m just me people tell me I’m too abrupt and mean and cold.

    I’ve been trying to be nice since I can remember. Up to a few years ago I couldn’t understand why so many people said I was great and that they liked me so much even do they’d just met me and then after a few months they usually started to say they didn’t like me after all and that I was mean and manipulative.

    The only difference is that some days I had got comfortable with some people and forgot to add the ‘niceties’. I had bad year reviews at jobs before, 2 of them wrote that lacked the ‘niceties’ in my tone and that I looked angry when I was looking to the computer.

    I could go on for hours here. Let me just end this by saying: I do like you – as you are.

  38. Cheryl Chavarria
    Cheryl Chavarria says:

    This being my very first time to comment on your blog, which I have been dedicated to reading the last two months, I want you to know that I like you, in fact, watch out, because if I meet you in person, I might want to kiss you! I mean that in the most non-stalker, creepy kinda way. I just love your mind, and as a writer, I admire your writing. As a mother with a son who is about to go into kindergarten this September, you have my ear and have intrigued me to learn more about homeschooling. I have not considered it -although I do know little about it – because I have this idea that you need to be a natural “teacher” and I doubt sometimes that I am not creative like “that” so someone else would be better suited teaching my children “specific subjects”. Yet I have made a conscious choice to stay home and be my son’s first teacher, or as I like to put it, his LIFE COACH. To me, that’s the real life coach – a conscious parent to their child. I am also an entrepreneur in my soul. I’ve spent the last 8 years dabbling in different things, venturing down paths that I need to pave for myself, feeling very neurotic because of it, changing the make up of who I am drastically…and now my subconscious wants to correct me and say “No, you’re actually getting closer to being who you really are, who you’ve always truly been and not allowed yourself to be, you’re discovering your own beliefs about life and how YOU want to live it”. So…with all that said, I want you know that I would love to be coached by you one day. And I am listening to your homeschool posts. I want to learn more about it. And I really really like you Penelope, or Adrien. And I admire you as a writer and an entrepreneur. Thanks for pushing those posts on me and so many others. I’m listening.

  39. AL
    AL says:

    I want to homeschool our kids, but my husband thinks It’s a bad idea. He believes they won’t be socialized and won’t be well educated if homeschooled. I do worry a bit about the socialization because of MY inability to socialize ( not theirs…my kids are fine socially). I have a hard time with small talk because I can never remember what things I should say or ask. My mother keeps saying to just remember to ask them general questions about themselves so they’ll talk and I won’t have to. But I can never remember the questions to ask them about themselves. My point is: if the moms think I’m weird or they don’t like me, they don’t invite my kids over. If only I could find some moms with kids the same age as mine who like to talk about bias and gender. Or pseudo-octahedral complexes of Tungsten. (<—proof my kids would be well educated in a homeschool setting. lol). Currently, our kids go to an expensive urban private school. It's an OK school. But my son is having a hard time there because he can't sit still. It drives me nuts because I don't want him to sit still. So, that's my comment. Now, I'm going to go read your post on how to convince someone to homeschool. PS: I like you. ;)

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