My plan for going forward
I’m frustrated that I have so much traffic coming to this blog (about 750,000 page views this month) and I have this post about domestic violence at the top spot in my blog. It’s the first thing everyone sees about me. I want the post to go away. I want to post about how to write a resume in five easy steps. People love lists.
If it weren’t that I’ve already blogged about sex abuse, my miscarriage and my divorce, I’d worry that my blog will never get past the topic of domestic violence, and I’ll face blogger doom. But I know from past experience that being genuine with other people helps one’s career get stronger.
Someone wrote in the comments section that there is no domestic violence, there is only violence. But that’s not true. Because domestic violence is the violence that’s hard to walk away from.
I’m not walking away from the Farmer right now. I want to say that I’ll leave if he does it again. I want to say that if he pushes me or shoves me or hits me, that all that stuff counts as abuse. It’s hard for me to believe that it counts; I didn’t believe my dad was abusing me even when the police were taking me away.
But I have hundreds of you telling me in the comments section and in your emails that this is not right.
And I know that even if I’m messed up, I don’t want my sons messed up. If it happens again I think I could hide it from everyone, you, my sons, my brothers–they called me to tell me to leave. I could refuse to tell anyone, and do this whole messed up relationship in private. I know people do that. But I know it would show, on me.
When I was practicing cello with my son a few nights ago, I said, “Don’t look at me. Look at your bow.”
And he said, “I’m looking to see if you’re smiling. You never smile.”
I know I am not hiding anything.
So maybe what is left for me is that I can be the expert on not hiding.
I got offers from all over the world for places to stay. Finland, Pakistan, Brazil. It’s unbelievable, really, how many people offered up their homes and their guest houses to me and my sons. And about fifty people who I have never met in person told me I can call them if I need someone to talk to. I have very few close friends, so the offers meant a lot to me.
I called one person: Amanda Hite. I have met her a couple of times. She is a straight shooter and a little callous, so I knew that if I started being a crazy, crying nutcase on the phone, she’d handle it. Also, she works for herself, so I thought it might be fine to call her with no notice in the middle of the day.
I told Amanda I can’t leave because I don’t want to raise the boys alone, and I know I’ll never put them through another marriage again if this one doesn’t work, and they love the Farmer. They call him dad.
Amanda was adamant that if the Farmer touches me again–in anger–I should leave, with the boys. “Just for 30 days,” is what she finally said.
I can do that. I have a friend in New York City. Lisa. She has an extra bedroom in her apartment. She’ll let us stay. She doesn’t know she’s part of the plan. Until now. Amanda says that during those 30 days, enough people will call me and convince me to leave for good. I think that’s probably true.
Amanda is a recruiter, but she is a consulting recruiter. She spends her time trying to get people to be honest about why their recruiting sucks so that she can help them fix it. Most people who say they need help with recruiting blame the candidate pool, or the jobs they have, or other, external factors. Amanda helps them to take responsibility and be honest about their problem.
I’m drawn to her because that’s my message here on this blog: face your problems with honesty. So I want to tell you that I am terrible at intimacy. I don’t think I’ve ever done it, ever. I’m not even sure what it is. And I don’t think I need to tell you that the Farmer has no idea what it is, either.
So we are in twice-a-week therapy. And maybe we will learn something. Maybe we will save ourselves, and the boys and our family. Or maybe we are just in the middle of a cycle of abuse.
It is my hope that this blog will keep me honest, and that the next time, I will leave.
Thanks for the follow up post to let us know how you are doing. The twice a week meetings will give everyone opportunities to try new solutions, many of the new ideas will make life better and that will be nice for all of you. Good, good, good! Keep it iterative!
Penelope, my opinion for what its worth….
I think you should stay. Why? Because clearly your unwillingness to let go (no matter your history) says there is something here worth fighting for. And I think fighting for your kids to have a father leaves me in awe of you. Because so many people in this society take commitment so fucking lightly and discard the role of father’s too easily. As if its some meaningless factor in a child’s life. ( And yup as child raised by a single father I am extremely bias as to the importance of that role and having witness the fucked-upness of friends raised without one. I wouldn’t trade a father for 10 mothers)…
Everybody here is screaming LEAVE as if its some kind of real solution. Its not. You will be miserable without love. (And don’t tell me the Farmer doesn’t love her. What he’s doing to her is not love. But I understand that while I may hate the person’s actions that doesn’t keep me from loving them. And if you want to dispute that think about what being a parent means. We do shit every single day that we pray our love ones will forgive us for and continue to love us. If that’s not true then love is not true and if that’s the case we all truly fucked). (And for you Bible thumper’s what about the infamous verse “love endure’s all things” all about… just cookies and milk huh, not the tough stuff of love… or the for better for worst part???
Being single is not the happy, happy joy joy experience situation comedies on television will have you believe. So fuck anyone who tells you different. They are lying to you and/or themselves. So stay, stay because agonizing over to go or not go is a waste of energy. You will KNOW when to go. One day you’ll wake up and you won’t even think about it – you’ll get your kids you’ll get whatever shit you need and you’ll go. It”ll be that easy as all decisions are that have that kind of certainty are. The only reason its hard now is because you want to stay and think your wrong for wanting to stay. So be brave enough to say FUCK YOU ALL I’M STAYING….
Yes things are hard now but nothing last forever and the one of the best pieces of advice I ever got was: Human beings can put up with anything, we just can’t do it forever. So you’ll now when you and the farmer’s forever ends. This is your life, this is the hand you were dealt. ALL OF IT. The abuse from your father, your marriages, your kids, your issues, etc. ITS YOURS, OWN IT and DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT TO GET WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT. This is your life and while it may make everyone here feel good to say “oh my god, this is horrible, get out”, fuck all of us because everyone here if they had the guts you’ve shown would confess to something equally bad that they’re refusing to let go of too.
I was raised in an abusive home (and save all your shit comments about its warped my thinking, blah blah blah I need therapy (which I did thank you very much) the cold hard facts is that the abuse isn’t everyday, every minute, every hour, 24/7. There are moments, hours, days, weeks, months of great joy, laughter, calm, peace, love, togetherness, optimism, warmth, and everything else that’s good in this world and makes life worth living. My mother got out when those moments became less and less, and when my father refused to get help. My father wasn’t a monster for hitting my Mom, hell more often than not she hit back. They tried to make their relationship work and when it did it was awesome and when it didn’t she got out. And fucking 25 years later they’ve remained each others best friends. Even as my father was getting remarried it was my mother he called for comfort about his cancer scare, with every big or small event in his life. As they came to see they were meant to be friends, lovers even (they were a passionate bunch) but not married.
As for your kids- I can only give you my story. When my mom left my dad she explained why she was leaving and we (my 3 siblings) understood. She asked who we wanted to live with, we choose my dad. My parents never blamed the other for their issues – it was always together we don’t work. So we kids learned to look for a spouse where “together” the relationship works. Their were no villains in our story because we weren’t raised with this tv fucking hollywood frame of mind – good guys win the day bad guys are evil and should be punished. Just cold, hard reality – that our parents were people who weren’t given some fucking book with life answers. They were just two people doing the best they could and doing what we all have to do which is to figure it out. Whatever that means for you and you alone.
I say be honest with your kids, never, ever lie to them (we always know what’s going on and if we resent anything its being lied to)… and when you can’t put up with it any longer leave. And leave with grace and dignity (like my mother) not making the farmer the bad guy to your kids because then it makes us kids feel like shit for loving him or having to choose sides. Your kids will understand and they’ll definitely understand and appreciate what you did more when they’re adults having having their own romantic relationships, and trying to figure it out when things get hard..
I think you need to put the kids back in school. If your own life is, by your own description, dysfunctional, then you don’t want to be their only role model. Home schooling might be great and all, but only if you know that you are setting them a good example.
I think you need to put the kids back in school. If your own life is, by your own description, dysfunctional, then you don’t want to be their only role model. Home schooling might be great and all, but only if you know that you are setting them a good example.
I came to your blog because I loved how you tried your best to help Steve figure things out.
http://www.endingthegrind.com/etg-podcast-22-penelope-trunk-calls-bullshit/#comment-4052
I didn’t expect to be wowed when I got here. But I was. And I was even more wowed that you allowed California Dreaming’s comment to stand. That takes certain, brazen toughness. As this is my first visit here, I don’t if California Dreaming is on to something. But, again, the fact that you can live with such open criticism is proof that you are unafraid of honesty.
I look forward to getting to reading more.
Best regards,
Stan Faryna
Recently on my blog: The Final Speech of the Great Dictator by Sir Charles Chaplin http://wp.me/pbg0R-qG
.Betty Blue.
You murdered the cat. You torture your sons, poor Melissa, your ex and The Farmer. You claim you father abused you, then you brag about his daring late life choices. You blatantly brag about not paying your taxes……and being a scion of The Mafia………if my son got hooked up with a woman such as you, I would just have to laugh! You would both be insane!
But you stories, while being mostly entertaining, have too much incongruence to ring true!
As a wife that becomes emotionally abusive (for various reasons) I know how easy it is to push a man into physical abuse. You are dealing with your own unique challenges, but I wanted to say that not every abuse situation is the same or ends the same. We aren’t all going to be featured on “Cops”. We wont all end up in a women’s shelter. We wont all leave the men we are with. But as a woman who does tend to push her husband towards loosing control, I just wanted to tell you I understand that side of it, hope that more HEALTHY people come into your life, and that you all continue to learn and grow to become a healthier family unit.
As a wife that becomes emotionally abusive (for various reasons) I know how easy it is to push a man into physical abuse. You are dealing with your own unique challenges, but I wanted to say that not every abuse situation is the same or ends the same. We aren’t all going to be featured on “Cops”. We wont all end up in a women’s shelter. We wont all leave the men we are with. But as a woman who does tend to push her husband towards loosing control, I just wanted to tell you I understand that side of it, hope that more HEALTHY people come into your life, and that you all continue to learn and grow to become a healthier family unit.
How long has it been since you read this post?
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/06/27/how-i-started-taming-my-workaholic-tendencies/
If you think that you’d still make that drive, then you know what to decide. If not, then start looking for other options.
How long has it been since you read this post?
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/06/27/how-i-started-taming-my-workaholic-tendencies/
If you think that you’d still make that drive, then you know what to decide. If not, then start looking for other options.
I bet you are a royal pain in the ass to live with, and I’m sure you could possibly even be mentally ill. Even with both of these things, he had NO RIGHT to lay one god damned hand on you. Having been in your shoes for almost 9 years, I will tell you that it will NOT get better, there will always be a next time etc. I’m 41, my spine is that of an 80 year old woman. I have to have my neck vertebrae fused together. This means I will never turn my head. I can never go again to disneyland with my son, or someday grandchildren–rollercoaster could make me a quad. This is all because I didn’t leave him, I kept making excuses—I lied, I made him mad etc.
So your children care for him, but they will have NO respect for you, because you stayed and allowed them to grow up in a house of abuse. It’s better to be on your own, loving them and giving them stability then to stay because you need a man. YOU, are fucking Penelpe Trunk, you don’t need a man!
I would like to offer you my guest room for you and your boys. I can help pay for bus/train tickets to get you out here. LEAVE, now.
I bet you are a royal pain in the ass to live with, and I’m sure you could possibly even be mentally ill. Even with both of these things, he had NO RIGHT to lay one god damned hand on you. Having been in your shoes for almost 9 years, I will tell you that it will NOT get better, there will always be a next time etc. I’m 41, my spine is that of an 80 year old woman. I have to have my neck vertebrae fused together. This means I will never turn my head. I can never go again to disneyland with my son, or someday grandchildren–rollercoaster could make me a quad. This is all because I didn’t leave him, I kept making excuses—I lied, I made him mad etc.
So your children care for him, but they will have NO respect for you, because you stayed and allowed them to grow up in a house of abuse. It’s better to be on your own, loving them and giving them stability then to stay because you need a man. YOU, are fucking Penelpe Trunk, you don’t need a man!
I would like to offer you my guest room for you and your boys. I can help pay for bus/train tickets to get you out here. LEAVE, now.
You know what young asshole husbands and young crazy people turn into when they are middle agged and oid? Asshole husbands and old crazy people. You guessed it. They don’t suddlenly turn into supportative spouses. They are the same assholes they always were. The baggage, resentment, cruelty, and all the other landmines of unhappy relationships remain. Sometimes, that is all that remains.
When you are older, is the farmer going to turn into an angel and treat you like a person? Or is he going to still try to mow you down with the tractor, albeit at a more cockeyed aim or slower pace. Are you still going to be crashing your furninshings and lamps like the three stooges?
The outcome of dysfunctional relationships is ugly. My parents hated each other, and the outcome was my father collaspsing in the back of the house from a massize stroke, an hour after my mother refused to take him to the hospital for his escrusiating leg pain. She was watching a dog show on TV. This was a month after he suffered a first, mild stroke. 65 years of ugly fighting, Grown children in theraphy. And the inevitable end.
You dont want this for yourself. Or your kids. You dont have to make a big deal out of leaving. Just calmly have a talk with him. GEt help to pack and move. And get back on track to raising your kids and having a career. AS a child of an abusive parent relationship I would love to save your boys from a very sad fate.
You are trying to describe the “natural, logical consequences”. Of the many sad things written here, I find your story profoundly sad. I hope everybody involved has forgiven and grown wiser.
You are trying to describe the “natural, logical consequences”. Of the many sad things written here, I find your story profoundly sad. I hope everybody involved has forgiven and grown wiser.
A lot of the comments to this and to the previous post throw around the term “abuser” and “abuse” quite carelessly. Violence is never ok, but I don’t think it’s possible to form a clear picture of the abusive relationships in PT’s case on the basis of what she has reported.
I worked for a time as an advocate for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. We were called whenever the police responded to a DV call and someone was arrested. Usually the batterer was arrested, but sometimes the victim was arrested, and we would visit the victim in jail. (Most, but not all, of the victims were women.) Why would a victim be taken to jail? Because the victim, in this instance, retaliated violently – shoving, hitting, throwing a chair, whatever. I repeat: violent behavior is never ok. But the use of violence does not automatically make one an abuser; it’s not always accurate to describe violence as abuse. A battered woman can hit back at times and remain the victim, not the batterer. Domestic violence has to do with much more than physical violence: it is a complex web of power and control, and emotional abuse, isolation, manipulation, humiliation, and physical violence all play a part.
I don’t claim to know how to describe the situation with PT and the Farmer. But it’s much too easy, and false, to say “Any instance of violence means that he’s an abuser.” From what PT has posted, which seems truthful but not the whole truth, it seems like there is destructive and inexcusable behavior emanating from both sides.
It sounds like an extremely unhealthy situation, and one that is currently, already, damaging the boys, and will continue to do so unless radical action is taken. Bad situations tend not to resolve themselves spontaneously. Hoping that they will is not a responsible plan.
Get help. Lots of of people on here have offered good advice. Put them in school; get a psychiatrist; get the boys therapy; get their father more involved; get sane, loving, non-abusive family and friends to play a greater role in their lives.
Very unintended publish as I’m working to find out the right specifics of about lines. Thanks considerably for posting plus i faith to have quite a bit far more reviews for this kind of topic.
http://forexcatapultreview.org/
Penelope–Try to stay in the moment in your therapy sessions, and be forthright when you cannot read the Farmer’s emotions. Many AS patients can learn this, to a degree, and it can be but one way for the two of you to develop communications that work for you both as a couple.
I can see where in your life having Asperger’s could be part of your “winning formula:” volleyball, picking up and moving across the country, developing a business. These all rely upon a certain amount of pushing forward, being monofocused toward a goal. Human relationships require so much more nuance than the syndrome allows most people with it–and I’ve known many with it! I was married to someone with it for years, and it was his refusal to intentionally construct direct and perceptive communications (even when I was very clear with my feelings in a non-threatening way) and my giving up that did us in.
Regardless, construct something that benefits the whole family. If you cannot, and you leave, find someone who can help you and your sons develop sound communications as they grow. They would both like to see you smile.
Count me as someone who would help you if you chose to come to New York–for any length of time. I even have a cello instructor who’s brilliant with both kids and adults–so you won’t miss a beat!
xo