Why do I hear the theme song to Green Acres playing in my head?

I don't want to discount the fact that you sound like you found someone you really like (WHY you like him is a different conversation), but I think it's worth considering that you might want to just slow down a bit. It hasn't been that long since the divorce, maybe you just want to slow down and give your kids some extra attention and concentrate on recuperating emotionally and psychologically after what must have been a stressful ordeal, instead of jumping right back into the whole man-hunt. Can't be healthy.

I'm absolutley captivated by this post. And what appears to be going on with you and the Farmer.

Maybe Ed (above) is right. I have no way of knowing. But what little I do know makes me think that you have found precisely the right person for you. And for your kids.

I'm really rooting for this to work out.

You belittle yourself and him when you use the word 'Stupid'.

Separate money from success and you will free your soul to happiness.

Do as I say, not as I do huh Ed? Look, this is not a personal blast or flame or what ever its called online now a days. But how do you know what she has been through and/or enough to know that she isn't ready? You are asking her to assess her feelings and emotional condition but yet you don't know much less look to find out how she feels. You are simply coming across to me as pessimistic and cynical.

No one will know how this will work out so spare yourself your time. NO one. Not even Penelope.

Slowing down, speeding up, etc. Thats just game playing. Don't play games. For as long as you are not a teenager, a young adult or come from an abusive family - then you are more than trustworthy to go with the flow. Some people move fast because they want to cut through the nonsense while others want to take their time and be cautious.

But beware! Both run the risk of spoiling a potentially good thing. This is where the "flow" becomes truly important.

Good luck!

You deserve happiness Penelope. I wish you the best.

Congrats, P. I hear Matt McConahey also pees outside; it's probably more common than we think.

A few things:

* First, PLEASE, please, please publish more fiction. You are way too talented to deprive the world of that part of yourself. And your non-linear narratives: brilliant–more so than I think even you allow yourself to believe. The allegory of the hen returning to the comfort of the roost in her own time–sublime.

* The brazen career insight at the end, on workaholics' fears, was insightful and spot on. (I am a much better manager and person because of unflinchingly forthright posts like this one and the one on being late [3/11/2004] which has been a problem that has plagued everyone in my father's family for 3 generations.)

* And finally, if the farmer is truly as wonderful as you portray him to be and his lovin' is as great as his emotional maturity, don't let fear and self-doubt cause you to miss out on the opportunity for long-term rejoicing. Go for it.

I'm a huge fan of your blog. I discovered it after reading the article that featured you in the New York Times. Anyways, I find myself in a similar situation. I'm dating someone who makes less than $20,000 a year, I make more money than him, he's not in debt, but I am, he doesn't feel he needs to make or spend a lot of money, he's perfectly happy as is and doesn't care to try making more money, and if he had land worth $2 million, I'm sure he would say it means to much to sell it also.

We live in northern WI (I graduated from UW-Madison and miss Madison terribly, but that's another story), so it's possible to live a decent life on his small salary and my writer's salary. For the first year or two, I truely admired how he just loved his life and didn't worry about money or material things. He was content.

However, after four years, I don't know if I can do it anymore. Our differences have taken their toll. I still want to go to nice restaurants every once in a while, see movies, travel, etc. Nothing lavious, just simple pleasures here and there (nice restaurants up here only cost $50 or less for a dinner for two). However, if I want to do any of those things, I have to pay b/c he doesn't want to spend that much money, and he doesn't have that money to spend anyways. And then I think if we have kids in the future, I'll be the one paying for almost everything, and I'll get really frustrated with that. I can't save up any money b/c I have to spend it to do the things I want to do, and I don't live a luxurious or materialistic life at all. I see my other friends who have spouses who make more money, and they have less stress and can really just enjoy life. I find myself constantly stressed about finances and sadly, I blame him for them and resent him for it a lot of the time.

I constantly tell myself, relationships are not about money. I love him, he loves me, that's all that matters. But, I'm starting to realize there's so much more than that. He's content living paycheck to paycheck. And he loves what he's doing and where he lives, he'd never ever consider leaving. However, I may want to live somewhere else someday, who knows what the future will bring. But, if I stay with him, I know exactly how my future will be. We will be exactly where we are now, and we'll be having the same financial struggles b/c he will never make more money.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I'm just saying that yes, at first it is wonderful to meet someone like that, and it makes you see life in a different way and makes you appreciate simplicity. However, I'm an educated, driven, ambitious woman and to be with someone like that has proven very, very difficult in the long run.

Maybe things will be different for you two. I sure hope so. I just thought I'd let you know my experience in case it might help.

I look forward to reading more about your relationship and seeing if your experience may be able to help me as well.

Granted, you're a great writer. But he sounds positively wonderful. And he's right about those $200 jeans.

Ugh, I'm such a female. I teared up reading your post this morning. I, too, am with a farm boy. And I too am struggling with him screwing up my very rigorous routine. Since we started dating I have gained 5 lbs, gotten out of training shape, and went TWO WEEKS without posting a blog (OK, I was sick, but STILL).

I was so unbelievably scared as I fell in love with him. This SO was not part of the plan, and it really wasn't a good time. I had way too much to do, important things, great big things! My sister stopped me in my tracks as I contemplated pulling the plug before things went too far. She said, "Holly, I passed up a lot of great guys in my 20s because I thought I wasn't ready. Now look at me." At 31, she's decided she's ready, and guess what? She can't find anybody.

At any rate, I decided to simply let go. I believe in something bigger than myself, and that whatever it is wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I surrendered to life and to love, whatever the consequences. You simply can't go through life being afraid.

This isn't a dress rehearsal, P. This is what we've got. Grab it, embrace it, and if it all goes to hell, you'll fix it.

Oh, and my ex once peed on the Petrified Forest. Men are men.

IMHO, there is always a unique fascination when worlds collide! Why would anyone want to inhabit the world other than the one I know? If nothing else, this is a unique learning experience.

You are enjoying yourself. You are finding a new work/life balance. This is a formative experience. Enjoy happiness when it comes calling. Making a connection with someone is important whether or not he becomes THE ONE. Stay in the moment and quit trying to look ahead. I hate to say "what will be will be", because it sounds trite, but it's true. It is not only possible but advisable to just enjoy yourself once in a while!

Thank you for the post.

It made me think of something my sister-in-law and writing partner said: "We all need, at the very least, a lighthouse.”

I'm in LOVE with him already. I gotta get a shirt that says "Team Farmer" so I can be official. Even if it doesn't work out, the meaning will go far beyond the person…

Kind of reminds me of a quote from Carrie (SATC). "I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, or the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit, but maybe the best any of us can do is not quit. Play the hand we've been given, and accessorize the outfit we've got"…Good luck P!

This has all the makings of a Kevin Costner movie.

I think it's telling that people are already suggesting that you "slow down". *rolls eyes* As if anyone has a claim on the best advice for relationships. This is one of my massive peeves, as evidenced by my blog post about it.

P - I love hearing about this. I think we get addicted to work because we have (seemingly) more control over it.

He doesn't have to be the one, but he should be the one for the rest of your life. For the sake of your kids, do not think this guy will "be good enough for now".

Thanks again for sharing the "real deal" on how life and work HAVE to be team players. No other blog covers this topic with such honesty, and wit!

BTW, I WISH I could pee outside…but that goes back 15 years to being trapped on the highway in the middle of a blizzard, and watching all the guys walking to the side of the road, and let fly. I had to pee in a pringles can in the back of the car (while my boyfriend laughed)!

Stop playing games with this guy. He sounds a very decent fellow, and if you're not willing to be honest with him about who you are ("I didn't tell him … because I didn't want to be ….), then you are doing BOTH of you a disservice.

AND your kids. Kids don't understand "summer fling." Kids understand, "Dad's not with us so much anymore now, and here's this nice guy who spent so much time with us last summer but now he's gone … what's wrong with us that these men don't hang around?"

You're dealing with a recent divorce. Your emotions are nuts, you're lonely, you're starved for affection, etc. You don't NEED a summer fling. You need to step back, slow down, and develop a friendship. Maybe it will progress beyond that; maybe not. But you're flying down the freeway, and you'd better put the brakes on. Especially since he seems to have made it clear that he isn't "the summer fling type."

Oh, and the French are very fond of "le pipi rustique." It might have been more appropriate to wait until you were out of sight, and most folks I know who indulge in "le pipi" do it a bit more privately, but it's not abnormal. If you'd been in suburbia, yeah, weird. But not on a farm.

Aside from this being a hugely sweet and interesting story, I can't help but see how it illustrates the principle of where your treasure is, that's where your heart is, too.

So thanks for opening up your horizons and negotiating - probably mostly with yourself - about what is is that you value most, and for telling that story. Because it's a more common story than you'd think. I'm thinking of everyone who writes and talks and struggles with what we have so interestingly dubbed "work/life balance."

The term itself is such a misnomer, to me, because people who are worried about work/life balance are people who are prone to be workaholics, not those who place more value on the life side of the equation than the work one.
You don't read work/life balance stories about people who have too much "life" struggling to be happy and satisfied, do you? I mean, I never have….

So to me, it's such a revolutionary thing going on when careerists stop saying, "how can I squeeze more life into my schedule?," "how can I make time for my kids and still put in 60 hour weeks?" (the answer, it seems to me, is to sleep only four or five hours a night, and I am just getting plain worn out by that) and start asking, what do I really want to value most, and can I become the sort of person who puts that first, even if it means putting less time into my career? And can I realize that is not a devastating but rather an exciting proposition… because I can maybe put less time into the career side… and still be successful at it.

Life is short - have some fun.

Enjoy this courting period - for not matter what happens next, its is the sweetest part. Throwing questions out there and not needing answers is a luxury you only get early on. Savor it.

By the way - my dad is a "poor" farmern and has a net worth most i-bankers only dream about. He and my mom are paying cash to build a 5000 square foot home on their farm, so be careful about your income assumptions. Just because your farmer says he make $15k last year does not mean he doesn't have wealth - all farming expenses are tax deductions. My father would always buy a $100k piece of farm equipment or build a new building when he was having a good year to control his tax burden.

Sorry about all of the typos in the previous entry - commenting at work is always a bad idea.

Hi Penelope,
Just wanted to say I entirely agree about the stress of new relationships. If we allow ourselves to work less/write less, there is that constant wonder about if the trade off is worth it, that we might be wasting our time with this person. I get that same anxiety and I wonder if it happens to everyone or just writers.
I say this only because writers have to be self motivated and minimize distractions. Romance is a distraction of the creative sort, that in some ways, can make us feel mentally drained afterwards. It's really a conundrum. On the other hand if I am mad at a lover I can write for days and days.
The money issue. Your farmer made some pretty good points. Obviously you are cautious about money and its connection to power. But was it really that you made more money than your ex, that you both were conscious of it and used it as relationship currency, or that he didn't agree with your spending habits??? I have to ask if you are still in counseling post break-up because you have already pinpointed some individual hangups you have with money and love that you need to hash out.

Don't worry about the peeing. It's a guy thing. I work in construction and supervise between 40 and 50 men daily. Every week in our toolbox safety meetings, I have remind them where they can and can't pee.

I was also in the Army and had the same issue. I'm convinced it's just a Mars/Venus thing and move on.

I figure as long as he's not peeing in public places, ignore it. It's certainly not a show-stopper in the grand scheme of life.

Kat is right. Opposites attract, then they drive each other crazy. Extreme savers are not compatible with extreme spenders. Do anybody not know this?

Hey, just heard you on WNYC. I'm not so interested in the fact that you are or are not an asshole, but rather that your project of apparent techno-utopianism and work-glorification are simply naiive and bad politics. Have you ever even glanced at Marx? Intensification and extensification of the work day? Surplus value? Is there really so much pride in slavery? Read some Caffentzis, some Hardt/Negri, some Klein. The current crises (financial, energy, ecological…) are coming straight out of the ideologies you tacitly espouse.

Hi there,
First of all, unlike Jesse, who wrote nothing about you and volumes about him(her)self, I think it's great that you're using this forum to process through your life.
I picked up on your blog a few months ago, and subscribed because of one comment: that you'd gone to your therapist to explore your role in the failure of your marriage. I've been a psychotherapist for 25 years, and I've only had that request a few times. Most people simply blame their ex, move on, and repeat the same blunders in the next rel.
Anyway, I'm in year 22 of my THIRD marriage, so early on I was a bit think relationships wise.
I mention this because of my curiosity - I'm wondering if you've established criteria for a new relationship, or whether you've "stumbled" into this one. All of us have several principles that are, for us, essential. Getting involved with someone is on the opposite side of one of those key parameters is a recipe for endlessly trying either to "fix" one's partner, or (once the romance wears off..) the realization that your partner dos not "get you, and never will.
It's not about right or wrong - it's about balance and harmonious purpose.
I wrote a booklet for my clients about all of this, (among other booklets…) and last year turned it into a book, simply because I saw people walking into relationships blindly, transfixed by Hollywood hype that somehow magic will happen and "we'll live happily ever after."
I'd be glad to send you a copy of the pdf - you've got my e-mail.
Again, thanks for being willing to be so open and tentative.

I can't believe you fell for the farmer.

Penelope, This was your best post in a long time. Your willingness to be so open about your personal life is why I began to read your blog over a year ago.

You summed it up beautifully in the end. This may not amount to a relationship, but it's definitly a learning experience. Good for you! :)

you're sure that you are not just HIS summer fling? Farming is totally seasonal, you know…a time to reap and a time to sow.

Penenlope,

I'm happy for you to be feeling some joy finally.

Maybe you could think of things in terms of currency, instead of money?

You have one kind of currency (money) that that you value. And the farmer offers another kind of currency, which also has value.

Love, respect, compassion, and affection are all important currencies.

In my experience, when those are lacking in my primary relationship, I seem to place more emphasis on money.

When I feel like my partner loves and respects me, has compassion for my faults, and provides me with loads of affection, I don't seem to care how much money he has.

Wow. I have no idea where to begin. What does this have to do with taming workaholic tendencies? This is just about some dude you are dating.

Since we're now starting to talk of narratives and fiction, I'd be curious to hear how reliable I should consider the narrator.

Is the narrator/"Penelope" truly an accurate depiction of your thoughts and feelings? Or is "Penelope" yet another mask, another narrative device?

At first I thought this was a little too much info about your personal trevails, but I like how you worked in the work/life balance issue for workaholics.
But…
"You belittle yourself and him when you use the word ‘Stupid’" Truth! And "kids don't understand 'summer fling'" - keep them out of it unless you're prepared to deal with the fallout. It's the kid part that's moving too fast - you're a grown woman and know what you're doing. They don't have a clue.

Ever heard of The Pioneer Woman, Penelope?

City girl meets farmer, has kids, lives on farm, writes a blog, is a HUGE, HUGE success…

the way she's integrated sponsored posts and contests into her site is amazing. No questions ask about transparency from her readers…she's got a bonafide business on her hands, that woman.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/

You can't control how anything turns out, of course. You can try to have a good time. Today.

What's that saying? Man plans. God laughs.

I didn't think I could hate this blog anymore than I did. But after this post, I do.

This is not really a comment to the post, I just feel like I want to respond to this.

Penelope, you are completely nuts. In a brutally honest, vulnerable, and extremely common kind of way.

Do you write chick lit? Have you considered it? You'll be awesome; wait, you are already awesome… And we'll get a "sex and the city" kind of bestseller that women can really relate to.

Hey, the farmer makes as much a year as I do!

Farmers in general realize that there is only so much in life that they can control since they are at the mercy of the weather. This in contrast to us workaholics who seek to gain control of our lives by working all the time.

No one should date you until you change.

What a beautiful beginning…

It sounds like you really lack peaceful surroundings in your day-to-day life. Let him be your peace. And don't feel guilty about it.

And with all of your narcissistic tendencies and pretend sophistication this (fictitious) farmer cares about you? Of course not. You wouldn't care.

Nice try. I think you should give-up on the romance novel, Sex and The City, writing. Pure desperation in the world of attracting internet audiences.

Now, time to piss off the back deck.

Hello Penelope,
I think this blogpost was very interesting. Where you talk about the cultural gaps. I am quite interested in enviromental issues. They also turn into economic issues as well.

Where he says, "You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You’re in debt." I keep wondering about this idea. This economy where we live in is all about spending money. Using things, and then throwing it away when they don't work. To buy new stuff. In the end we HAVE to work, to sustain this kind of lifestyle and the environment has to take the blow.

I keep wondering about a economy where that wouldn't be neccessary. We don't really need to spend money to be happy, we are allowed to cut back from the work. I guess you in one way discover that when you go to that farmer.

I remember where you wrote a blogpost about deciding what to bring into the house, deciding if what you are about to buy is important or not. That is one step to a more sustainable world. It touched me.

I really hope that you'll continue talking to this farmer of yours. I hope that it will turn out good. He seems to have a good heart. I wish you the best.

Yep–there it is–the post about the farmer who pees outside! LOVE IT!

Inspired as I read this. Inspired to take a break from work. I need to find a place in good ol' CA where I can 'get away' for a while. Anyone know a place that has horrible cell reception? =)

Really excited for you. It's apparent that you like the Farmer, both through this post and in person. Enjoy it for what's it worth. My encouragement–don't worry so much about the future. Making plans and goals for the relationship means putting it into a box. What happens when it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped/planned? I don't mean having the relationship end, but what about if you think he should move to the city and that doesn't happen.

Just enjoy it. Be careful of the attachment from the kids. Believe in yourself that you'll make the best choice for you and the boys. You seem to be doing well so far. ;) Thanks for the super honest post into your personal life.
::hugs::
K

first of, nice post. interesting read overall.

second.. its good to know that he at least agreed to all this.. I mean.. some men won't like you posting about private stuff like peeing outside his house for the whole audience of millions or so to read. that make's him a good sport.. :D

third. isn't that Nino your ex-husband? he commented again eh? hahah good to know at least he tries to keep updated with what's going on on your side of the fence.

fourth.. good luck with that farming thing. Farming isn't my stuff too, but I do like hanging around greeneries once in a while. it's a good way to relax and try and forget office work tensions and sh*ts.

You're the best, Penelope!

I think this is my favorite post from you. Thanks for sharing it with us!

"I am already sometimes sleeping only four hours a night."

This concerns me and should concern you for your sake and your children's sake. I hope you can manage at least six hours a night in the future. It would be a worthwhile goal to achieve.

Okay, I gotta ask. Is this the same person who told us how critical it was to have our teeth whitened? Congratulations on finding some grounding and recognizing it as such, however ephemeral it may be.

Gee, what very grown up thoughts you're having. Sure did generate a lot of comments.

Penelope I think you're on the path to a great love story.

As a 56 year old single Canadian guy, I do not read your blogs for career advice; but I am fascinated with looking over your shoulder when you write things like this. It is just so much the opposite of where I am coming from. I post photos of my travels and have tried my hand at blogging. But I just can't imagine putting all my emotions and insecurities before the public. Definitely a guy thing. It is entertaining to watch as you do so though.
It is interesting to see the differences between the propaganda myths of the last few decades and the realities of today. In the eighties I was taught that women really wanted a nice intelligent sensitive mate; here in 2008 though I find that most women — at the least the ones single and available — are still looking for a big wallet and a MBA. As much as they talk Sex in the City I suspect that most would prefer an Omaha billionaire.

I too am out of debt with a low income. I can think of a lot of things to spend $10,000 on but would have no idea what I could possibly do with a million. The women my age looking for love are often rebounding from a divorce where they got to keep the house. There kids have left home and they are retiring from a government job with a steady pension. I don't stand a chance.

I also agree that kids don't understand "summer flings" — are you even divorced yet? So if you are going to do the deed — and I suspect that you already have — then please do not tell anyone about it!! (I must say that ever since you mentioned buying new underwear on Twitter last week my imagination has been in high gear).

Best of luck but knowing what I know about farmer types — which is a lot — you don't stand a chance if you keep writing about him. You need some privacy together.

Hi Penelope,

This is the first of your posts I felt joy coming from your words. You have consciously, or unconsciously, called this man into your life. Listen to what you are trying to teach yourself.
Best of luck!

seems to beat the first guy for responsibility. is the same guy for achievement. very little. you seem to like guys that are not very competitive and achieving. this is not a compliment to you. you need to get used to making the money and being in charge, if you continue.

he will not bend to you forever. he obviously has his own mind and you will not be happy when he finally asserts it.

sorry.

Peeing in the yard - no big deal.

Peeing off the back porch - ok in my opinion, so long as the drainage is good and you aren't always hitting the same spot.

Peeing out the bedroom window - acceptable only if the alternative is hiking to an outhouse.

Penelope v1 • How much money do you need to be happy? Hint: Your sex life matters more.

Penelope v2 - “I can’t move to the farm because I have so much more money than you do. I will get into the same situation with my last marriage. I will have all the power and it will be terrible.”

If one is to determine your character from this blog, one could conclude that you may FEEL like you should have a better work/life balance, you don't really want it. You are more fulfilled by your work accomplishments than by anything else. It's okay; it appears to be who you are right now.

Right now, you need a powerhouse metrosexual who doesn't really have time for you and your kids but squeezes in dinner a couple nights a week. (I don't think you'll be happy with Mr. Metro though, because then you won't be in charge/make more money/etc). Right now, it appears, money and power are what you want, more than you want balance in your life. In ten years, that could be different and then you can find a farmer.

I don't mean to sound critical. I only have what you write here. Be honest with yourself and don't let outside influences tell you what you SHOULD want or feel.

Lastly, thank you for sharing your struggles. People can either relate to what you're experiencing or they can feel grateful that they're not where you are.

I am usually SO not an advice-giver; everyone is entitled to live his/her life as he/she chooses–as one commenter pointed out–you only live once. This post kind of ties into your recent bad advice post, because seeking relationship advice–especially in the wake of a divorce–is generally asking for punishment. Only you can know what you want and you don't have to ask permission–even if you think you're not, people sure feel free to either give it or deny it.

Myself included when I say these two things:

1) I think what Kat says is dead on; it's all fun and new now and nothing like being with someone new and totally different to make you feel that you can turn into a totally diffferent person. But as Oprah always says (yes, I do cite Oprah as a credible source of advice) "people don't change." This counts not only people we want to change but ourselves. Maybe this is just a fling and you're just happy you're able to relax and have fun with him–and I'm glad for that. But as for thinking you'll somehow morph into a porch-swing paced gal, I don't see it….but again, maybe that's not your intent at all.

2) The one thing you may want to consider is getting your boys attached to this guy–or any guy you're casually seeing. I have heard too many stories of kids getting attached to a guy and then if things don't work out they are left to deal with the double loss of the divorce and now this cool new guy they'd befriended and started to count on. I would imagine it's hard for you not to incorporate them into your dating life to some degree, since your free time sounds pretty limited, and the temptation to spend time with them AND share the fun of the farm seems like it would be a great idea, but I would honestly think twice before getting them to love the guy and the farm. And not only from their POV; the farmer may well get attached to them too and if things don't work out it would be a double loss for him too–I have a friend who was in a situation like that and honestly I think he was sadder to have to not have the girlfriend's daughter in his life than the actual girlfriend.

And I am astounded/impressed/incredibly jealous that you can make $15,000 for one speaking engagement!! If I were you I'd be so psyched to be me I wouldn't need to date ;)

Maybe you should just be happy instead of always trying to qualify to be happy.

I'm sorry, but I just have to discuss this peeing outside thing, because it raises a red flag to me about something. I don't think it is the peeing outside, per se, which is bothering you, but I think I CAN tell you what IS bothering you about it. And please do show it to him.

The farmer is used to living by HIMSELF. When we live ALONE we all do things that for the sake of another person we shouldn't do publicly. Now his front lawn may be far from the road where no one would see, and it may be perfectly fine if he lives alone.

Now there is nothing wrong with doing it outside. What is bothering you is that he did not at least step behind a bush, that he did it PUBLICLY.

When you live with other people, you should make some adaptations for the sake of the other people's feelings. For example, if you are alone, and let out gas, who cares? Would you do the same thing right next to friends at a party? And then just say, "That's what people do."? Only a boor would do that.

I think this man may have some good characteristics, but I think he has some kind of issue which is coming out here, whether it is just laying his cards on the table saying he's never going to have "manners" for you or your friends. He might be saying that he thinks HIS feelings are more important than YOURS. So be careful here.

Now this could have just been a lapse in judgment, but I really don't think so. I think he's making a STATEMENT (consciously, or unconsciously). It's perfectly normal when you're married to leave the bathroom door open, or walk around naked, but do you behave the same when you have guests staying in the house? Most people wouldn't. And anyone who DID, I would have to either question their judgment, or wonder WHY they behaved that way in front of guests.

If you marry this man, ask yourself if he is setting the example for your children that you want. He should ask HIMSELF that, too.

The other thing I wanted to discuss is the issue of money. I don't think it's a problem if one person makes more money than the other one, or if the woman makes more than the man. I think what IS important is that both partners are contributing equally to the marriage. There are a lot of ways of contributing which are not monetary. I have one friend who is an editor (through telecommuting), and who also runs a travel agency. She married a man who doesn't read and write, but he's very personable, does all the cooking and cleaning, and does a lot of personal work taking care of clients for the agency, setting up guides (he also speaks four languages). They have an extremely successful marriage.

The farmer is right that his land is probably worth what he says.

It is clear he could contribute a home and food on the table, in addition to companionship and relaxation. He knows you have kids and is obviously willing to spend time with them and help raise them.

Would you be able to have an office at home, and telecommute?

If you get in a serious relationship with him, I would suggest not marrying him at least for a few months, and see if you could live at home, yet do your work, and see if your marriage could work that way.

What really makes a marriage work is the commitment of both parties. If you really love him and are both committed, you could make this work.

But are you attracted to him? I've had two husbands (the first one fifteen years, and the second one sixteen and counting), and in both cases, I thought each was "the one" within five minutes of meeting them. Sometimes an attraction "grows" on you after you know someone.

My suggestion is don't push this into a romantic relationship just because you are lonely. Maybe you are only supposed to be friends. If it is "right" you will not have ANY doubts about it. If you ARE having doubts, or feeling unsure, better to wait on the physical relationship part.

Best of luck. Please DO let us know what happens…..

Madame Monet, in Marrakesh
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine

Ok. I made my comment earlier and managed to avoid the "peeing" thing but some of the recent comments are so absurd that I had to join back in.
First of all, lets get the terminology correct, grown male farmers do not tinkle in the bushes or pee on their front lawns. That is what little kids and female farmers do. The farmers that I know call it "pissing".
Second thing. I have not been on a farm in Minnesota, but the ones that I know of in Western Canada have so much nothing around them it would be absurd to run back into the house to answer the call of nature. It was probably dark — I don't expect that Ms Penelope left immediately after dinner — and I DO expect that the "poor" guy turned away before doing the deed.
Third of all. I don't know what planet your readers live on but people do this all the time even in the big city. "Madame Monet in Marrakesh" gave me a big laugh. I have not had the pleasure of visiting her country but I don't imagine the average Moroccan guy runs to the WC every time he needs to "pee" while walking through the casbah.
Americans are far to prissy and I am afraid that Ms Penelope must be one of the sweetest and most spoiled of the bunch. I can not imagine her being happy as a farmers wife. She has told us elsewhere of her fabulous life growing up with gangster money in Chicago, going to the best schools, playing pro volleyball and making the whole making money on the web seem so easy. She would have a wonderful time on her summer fling, which I expect that she has already started; but when those winter snows come she will be long gone leaving a string of broken hearts.
I really think that guys get emotionally attached much easier and much harder than women do — at least in North America. The poor schmuck is probably already planning an extension on his house. Please don't toy with his heart and let him piss all over his front lawn if that is what he wants to do.

Okay, Penelope, after this post, I have to speak up.

You are waxing romantic about a guy with A COUCH ON HIS PORCH, who PEES IN THE GRASS RIGHT AFTER SAYING GOODNIGHT TO YOU.

I'm not going to say anything about the gun, because, well, I think he's wise on that account.

He sounds like an interesting guy, BUT A GUY WHO HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED, PEES ON THE WAY BACK TO THE HOUSE AND HAS A COUCH ON HIS PORCH is not what you need.

I'm no metrosexual, and yes, I sound like the gay guy on Sex and the City (even to myself), but please tell me this isn't real!!!

Penelope, I started reading your blog because I have a daughter who I regard as a "brazen careerist," and reading you helps me understand her. Now I read your blog for me.

I am not the least driven in my career. I have very mixed feelings about my career, and cannot wait for retirement. My heart is with my family, even though most of my kids are on their own. I haven't achieved a work/life balance–I lean towards giving my best energies to my family quite a bit. (I work part-time.)

From my perspective, I feel you are being set up to learn a great lesson from this "farmer". I think you know it, too, based on your detailed retelling of the story of getting the hens in for the night. This farmer understands creatures that cannot tell him exactly what is going on–he has learned to read their cues. That talent is arguably the basis for success in any area–work or relationships. IMO.

There is a very well-known writer living in southeast Wisconsin, who is married to a farmer. At her readings of her new books, she talks about how she reads a book-in-progress to her husband. His reactions, which are not the reactions of an academic, but the reactions of a person who is grounded in cultivating a crop, watching the weather, not being in total control, seem to influence this writer quite a bit. At a reading of her most recent book, she told the story of her complete abandonment of a book, based on the reaction of her husband, when she read it to him.

It is an open-minded, open-hearted person who can tolerate and even embrace differences and diversity. You and the "farmer" are different. You CAN embrace this. Yes, it may distract you from your dedication to work–but you seem to need that, as well.

Peeing on the lawn is emblematic of the things we would like to change in the people we love–but can't. The vignettes about how he deals with your kids, and what he says/does with respect to kids, is the real deal.

Finally, in the interest of protecting kids from emotional battering, I agree with those who have said to keep the kids out of it for a while. Be sure you tell your farmer that this is a belief of yours/plan of yours, lest he feel that you do not trust him around the kids. After all, he has already begun a relationship with them. Explain to the kids, too, that they cannot always come to the farm with you–and then don't take them at all for a while. IMO.

#1 - Do not worry about the peeing outdoors - this is so popular in France they have a name for it = "le pipi rustique"
#2 - You do NOT have to have all the answers as to where this is going, how it will turn out, etc., just keep seeing him, one day at a time.

I personally think worrying about having all the "end-answers" is the pre-cursor to procrastination for the sake of perfectionism. Good luck!

P.S. Penelope, you have had the openness to admit to giving bad advice; and you have detected the cultural lie we all tell/live about the influence of children in our careers.

You have also given some advice I heartily disagree with–that post was about returning to an educational setting for a Master's degree. I believe in that old principle of a humanistic liberal education opening you up like nothing else can.

You also have turned away from materialism in your bedbug incident. You have lived the in heartland and on the coast, in very different cultural settings.

On balance, I see you aw an evolving person. This engagement with the farmer is part of your evolution, your fits and starts, your rebounding ability (from divorce, bankruptcy, bedbugs, etc.)
It may be more than that. I know you will embrace the evolution of it, as always.

I have enjoyed reading your blog and enjoy your narrative style. One of the blogs I read you described yourself as open and felt that your blog proved that point. I think you are open about other people and not open about yourself.

It doesn't read like a workaholic problem. It reads like a money/self worth issue. He could sell the farm and have more money than you. But, you would still need the money to feel valuable. Whereas he would not. I would wager that if you could make the same money and work less you would grab that opportunity.

My question upon reading this is what is the farmer getting out of this? I wonder what you provide to him and what you are willingly inclined to do to satisfy him? Perhaps merely having the opportunity to share time with you is all he needs because it sounds like that is all you offer to him. I agree with the farmer, he is risking more. He has put himself out there. You know exactly what you are getting with him and he has no idea what he is getting with you.

I wonder what is best for everyone involved?

Before healthcare there was my family farm. Farming is not a job it is a way of life. It is one few careers where the work will dictate your life - there is almost no separation between work and life as a farmer. It can be a rewarding life - but just remember, farmers don't take job transfers. The land does not move nor will they…the land is who they are.

Jessica Bond
Medical Careerist

Lots of men including me have peed out in the yard. It is sort of a primal thing like a dog marking his territory. IT also saves on water by not flushing a toilet. This is significant because he is on a well where water conservation is serious.

Aside from that, I have never had a relationship with a woman that I could not pee in front of her or vice versa. If that is a problem for you, you either need to get over your prissy notions or go find a prissy guy or identifies with the prissyness

in 1966 i was living in san antonio in a boarding house and 4 of us drove to monterey, mexico to tour. one of them was a mexican national guy, from monterey, 21 or so, named George, or Horhay as he pronounced it. in the dark we heeded a call and stopped by the road, at night with the lights on. george walked up to the front of the car, right in front of the headlight and aimed at the street, facing the street. a car approached from the front, i hurriedly got behind the car and turned my back to the road. george stayed where he was. we called to him, horhay, a car is coming. he stayed where he was, pissing on the road in the headlight glare. the car passed. i said, horhay, what were you doing. he said, in meheco, when you need to peeese, you peese. dont know if thats still the custom or not. they also did not allow women in the night clubs. only men.

It’s true that taking risks in our personal life can be even scarier than those we take in our business. Thanks for sharing stories about both!

Amen…about time girl…God Bless

I'm not sure if I get this. You define yourself as brazen, yet being brazen means you defy social norms. So really instead of just conforming to arbitrary social norms you are conforming to the opposite of social norms.

A friend sent me this today - see below - then I read your blog … the stars are aligning for you Ms P and you need only be open to basking in the brightness and enjoy … go forward with this one … I think the ride will be worth it regardless of the final destination. Love your work and play xoxo

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier h ouses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Re member to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin

this was such an interesting post! i grew up in a farm town and i never heard of people peeing on their lawns….this guy sounds intriguing. does he like kids?

I'm confused. I know you fancy yourself an erotic writer of some sort, so I can't help but wonder if the talk about peeing on the lawn is some sort of allegory.

Are you saying, "He wants to pee on *my* front lawn, but I'm not sure I want that?" Or, "he pees where he works, but I don't work with him?" Or, "I don't want to go near where he pees?"

Which would be rich, considering you'd written that your estranged husband never went down on you, and you've been bitter about it for over ten years.

Your husband was probably good on paper and seemed like the perfect match. And that didn't work out. Maybe it's time to look beyond the perfect match and see the other side of the equation because the saying, "opposites attract" wouldn't be popular unless people believe in it. 2.) If he cares about his animals that much, he would be there if you ever had an illness, if your kids need help, if you lost all of your money tomorrow. Those are the guys you keep because they don't come arond too often. You can doubt yourself to death, but then in the meantime, you'll be missing all the fun.

i don't know about farms or front lawns, but i'll say this much:

i like to pee!!!

The following sentence at the end of this post was interesting and merits a comment -
"But I see now that the farmer doesn’t need to be THE ONE."
My experiences and observations have demonstrated to me the most successful relationships are those where both parties are not looking or expecting to find "THE ONE". Think about it - is there only one person in your life that meets all your needs or you want to see or talk to about whatever. The best relationships I've witnessed are those where both parties are open and trusting with each other and don't expect that it's possible to fulfill each others needs completely. "THE ONE" relationship conjures up for me a smothering and destined for disaster relationship. The best "THE ONE" in my opinion is someone who is flexible, understanding, and time tested. Other people will come and go but "THE ONE" will always be there and pick up any slack if necessary.

Penelope, maybe this "farmer" is your diamond-in-the-rough. He sounds less worldly than you, but perhaps more sophisticated, in a Zen sort of way.

He has done a lot of things right:
1) He asked you what you wanted early on;
2) Perhaps he was assessing if your goals and his matched up;
3) He thanked you for several things–disciplining your boys and leaving the blackberry in your purse;
4) His "respect" for the recalcitrant hen might actually be a great metaphor for what he'd do in a relationship (but you have already seen that, I'm sure);
5) He confronted and challenged you on several issues, indicating that he is sure of himself and that he doesn't give his power away to a strong person like yourself–in other words, he is assertive;
6) He gave his permission for you to "air" this relationship in your blog–saying that he took a risk for your sake.
7) There are probably other things which have happened subsequently to be added to the list of doing things right–yes?

Maybe you should do the corny, old-fashioned thing where you make a list of pros and cons to see if things balance out. Though I realize that if you are being swept away with falling in love or with infatuation (only time will tell), you don't even see the cons . . .

If all you have in the "cons" column is him peeing/pissing on his own front lawn (not public, really), you are in a good place, I'd say.

To those cynics who are saying to you, in essence, that it is contrary to your character heretofore, to be so dizzy-in-love, I say that it is totally okay (with me) to be fool for love. A level-headed, sophisticated person who allows themself to be fool for love is taking the leap of faith necessary in order to have a solid relationship. The cynics may end up like dehydrated fruit–prunes come to mind.

CAK

One thing I like about this story is that it demonstrates, once again, what I have often experienced — that people come in and out of life for reasons only understood much later. I have had many relationships (both friendships and romances) with people who are very different than me in every way — different backgrounds, goals, lifestyles, values. But if I paid attention, they all taught me something about myself and the world that I either didn't know before or couldn't put my finger on that ended up changing my perspective in very positive ways.

If I were you, I wouldn't put so much energy into thinking about whether this is a summer fling, a true thing, or a nothing. If you start over-analyzing it or thinking about it in terms or time-management (i.e. time wasted), you will end up missing the great opportunities for growth that this experience can open you up to. So just relax and learn to be present with the experiences you have at the farm. Sooner or later you will know whether it is a life or love worth pursuing. Trying to jump ahead a few chapters to see how it ends cheats you out of experiencing the joy and evolution of the story in realtime.