This is me battling impostor syndrome
This is the big test. Right here. This is the test to see if you will stick with me even when you know everything. There is lameness about me. Not the lameness commenters point out. Not like, I don’t know anything about graduate school. Or I’m not fair to David Dellifield. No. It’s more fundamental than that.
I want you to recall that when I was growing up, the police came to our house pretty frequently. (And, in fact, to our hotel rooms. And you might be interested to know that when rich people trash a hotel room they do not get thrown out of the hotel. But rather, the kids get their own hotel room.) Every time, my dad would tell them that I was fine, that it was only a spanking, that I was exaggerating. He would tell them I have a behavioral problem.
He wasn’t covering anything up as much as expressing how my parents were actually convinced that I was a psychopath. I was the one who went to a psychiatrist my whole childhood. They even had me tested at Northwestern’s neurology lab. But at the same time, my parents were doing things like getting angry enough to leave me as in Arlington Heights, alone on a street corner, while they drove back to Wilmette. (Google Map that: Not good parenting. Probably illegal today.)
Okay. So fast forward to my marriage now, to the Farmer. The odds are that I would be with a man who treats me like my dad did, right? So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.
The Farmer would tell you why it’s my fault, and how I deserve it, and that I made him do it. If there were a neurology lab in rural Wisconsin he’d probably send me there because he has told me numerous times, most recently right after he apologized for pushing me, again, that I am emotionally abusive to him.
Two nights ago, I got really scared. He had already pushed me and shoved me and grabbed me and crushed my foot in a door. He would say that I deserved it. That I say crazy things to him. That I never leave him alone. That I am an awful person to live with. For the record.
He had me in a corner, and I was crying and I was scared, and he was telling me how I am a terrible mom, he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me. So I dialed a number that I thought was a friend, but it was my stepmom, the woman married to my dad
She is totally cool. My dad has very good taste and I really like this stepmom. And she was great to talk to. I can’t complain about one thing she said.
She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love parents. So that’s my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I’d never believe it.
And of course, she said I need to leave.
I was silent.
Then she suggests sending my dad to come see me. For support. I say okay. Because I can’t say no to support. And, you know what? I can’t say no to my dad. I just want to be loved. He tries really hard. I forgive every transgression, even as his transgressions are huge. Just go read that post. I can’t even bear to write about them again. I can’t because I want to have a dad who loves me in a real way.
I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.
So my dad drives two hours to see me. He gets here for dinner. I told him not to come any earlier because it’s Sunday, the day my Ex comes to hang out at the house with my sons, and it’s the only day all week that I don’t have kids, so I have to work that day.
Our dinner features my act of childish passive-aggressiveness: I make sure there is no meat in the meal because the Farmer really wants meat in the meal every time.
Maybe that is what he means when he tells me I’m emotionally abusive.
I am alone in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I tell myself not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself it gets me nowhere. I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.
My dad comes up to me in the kitchen. I am startled.
I tell him I really appreciate that he came, that it makes me feel less alone.
He tells me he wants to help. He tells me he researched women’s shelters in my area.
“Dad. Women’s shelter? Did you say women’s shelter?”
“Yes. I was thinking you could go to one.”
“I can’t go to a women’s shelter, Dad. It’s rural America. A women’s shelter, here?”
I am speechless. I am trying to figure out something to say to him about why I cannot show up to one of those, kids in tow.
“Dad. I’m famous. I’ve signed autographs in grocery stores.”
He said, “Oh. You are?”
I decide we are done. I fluff the bean salad and tell myself he is trying to be helpful.
The Farmer says grace. He needs to thank God before every meal. He wanted to say Jesus also, but we compromised with just God. So he says that. And as he thanks God for this meal, I put my head down and wonder if not allowing him to thank Jesus is emotionally abusive.
The kids eat and run.
And there I am, alone. With the three men in my life.
My dad talks about his stamp collection. There was an auction in Iowa. He was thinking of going, but all the stamps he wanted were too expensive.
The Ex says he had a stamp collection, too. His parents just sent it to him. They are cleaning out their closets.
The Farmer says he had a stamp collection too.
We talk about plate blocks, post card values, and pros and cons of hinges. The hinges are difficult. You never know if it’s better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
Who cares that your are “famous”, write a blog, give advice…life is too short to be pushed around…get real for your kids sake.
I don’t think you should leave the Farmer, because I don’t think he’s abusive. Abusive people push down repeatedly over time, because he hits you one time does not mean that he’s abusive. Creative people are wild but being wild does not mean abusive (abusers can smile and never touch you too). His anger may have come out physically but he is a physical person and he’s also having his negative energy increased/supported by you. Perhaps the Farmer is not for you, I don’t know but leaving this man does not mean that you will leave “this man”. The story will play over again and again until you get the message. I’m a Jungian, I look for what’s underneath and from your posts I do not see a man who is hindering growth. You’re aging and part of this means dealing with your past, your soul is trying to get you to deal with it and the farmer is picking up this invisible energy because that’s what he does-he makes things grow. You need to own how you are damaging yourself and also need to the steps to remedy it. Back track and look at how you have helped create an environment in which your positive masculine image hit you and you ran to your negative masculine image. The soul is showing you that your energy is still going to that unhealthy place. You’re an adult now and you’re a mother, raising two young men, own your weakness but also own your power. Good Luck
It’s kind of bad taste to argue semantics when a couple of little boys are watching their mother get physically abused by a what, “one time abuser”? Regardless of what you want to call him, he is unable to help her because he is resorting to violence to deal with whatever “invisible energy” she’s throwing at him. Nice textbook analysis, terrible life-advice.
I had an ex husband like that…being emotionally (mostly) abuse and a few physical altercations. Saying it was my fault, that I drove him to it. And by the way, I didn’t leave him, he left me (though I journaled about doing so and planned to do so even getting a safe house lined up. I did finally get that NO it wasn’t my fault, that this was clearly a person with poor boundaries, impulse control and definitely no understanding that adults take responsibility for their own actions.
Wish I could say I finally “GOT IT” and I am don’t have to worry about that stuff again. But no, ended up with current boyfriend, who early in our relationships, used to say very mean things (ok lets call it what it is…verbal abuse) and said it was my fault. This time however I didn’t believe it, let him know it was him…and to his credit, then and now acknowledges that these are his problems, I didn’t/don’t deserve it etc…The good news is he owns…the bad news is that he does relapse into that behavior and I am still here betting in the end, he will learn to manage his own behavior to the extent that these incidents dwindle to nil.
Saying all this to say, “yes patterns such as these get formed early and mine like yours were established in my family of origin” but that narrative doesn’t have to continually define us and given “forever after” life. Understanding what got you here, you can now work very hard on not getting stuck here (which I think many of your post-narratives do rather than helping you grow and become healthy).
In the end, it’s your choice. Your call. Just like it is for me. Good luck and may your outside circumstances start reflecting all the goodness you (and your children) deserve.
PS After this post, I really don’t like the Farmer. OK, I acknowledge that like the rest of us, he has his strengths (the 4H/county fair post) and stuff he has to work on.
I have been reading this blog for a couple of years. The posts on your family are always vulnerable.
This is what I remember from your previous posts: you went through sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. The authorities were at your house numerous times, and the only way you escaped was because your mother finally told the cops it would be the best thing for you. You stayed with your grandmother. You went through a string of bad relationships. You developed eating disorders and tried to kill yourself. You have reinvented yourself a few times. Decided NYC was not the right place for you. Then you and your husband moved, had some amazing boys. One of your amazing boys has autism. One of your amazing boys is a musician. You have self-diagnosed yourself with Aspergers. You are divorced. Now remarried. You are in another bad relationship.
A lot of stuff happened in between. Good and bad. I believe sometime soon, if you do not get out of this relationship: You will echo your mother’s words. You have written this, and someone from your town will read this. And if they have any shred of a soul or humanity they will called Child Protective Services. And you may lose your amazing children.You have always landed on your feet. You are resiliant. You are eccentric and beautiful and special in the way that everyone is special. You will manage to take your next breath and survive. But what will you survive? You will either survive losing your husband or losing your kids.
I will pray for you. I will hope for you.
I pray that you can give yourself the love you seek. I hope you leave before you lose your kids.
Yes, I’ll stick with you. Keep writing.
Here’s what I’d say if I could come to your house and take you by the shoulders, looking you in the eye –
You and the Farmer are crushing each other’s spirits. What else has to happen before you cut that last sinew that keeps your marriage together and move forward?
What is the best thing in your life, the piece that brings you the most joy? What would the Farmer say is his? Obviously it’s not each other. I pray that for both of you the answer now is your boys.
Stop. Breathe. Pivot.
Both of you must turn your full attention to the boys’ emotional needs. You are breaking them in the same ways you’ve been broken. Is that what you promised them when they were born and you marveled at how pure and perfect they were? No. You drank in their sweetness and leaned into the responsibility, and promised yourself that you would do better. That you’d love them in ways you had never experienced even though you deserved to.
Don’t abandon that. It will teach you to care for yourself again.
Hello again, Penelope,
I know a couple who are constantly at war, physically and mentally. And now that I having been following your posts for over two years, I asked “C” if “J” has Aspergers Syndrome. C said, yes. J had been diagnosed just last year. J had already left the party when I asked that question. He can’t tolerate crowds. This was a tip off to me.
Anyway, C and J have been together many years having the battles like the ones you have described. And yet, they are still together. Why? They have the means to separate, and did for four years, and then J moved back in. Why?
You and the Farmer merged with eyes wide open, and both of you sacrificed huge parts of your freedom to put yourselves into this ring of fire. Why?
The easy answer is LOVE and ACCEPTANCE and VALIDATION. But your could have gotten those affirmations from other people. And so could the Farmer. Yet, you both CHOSE to come together to do battle, and in between, share love and fear.
I am no psychologist, and you have had many sessions with professionals, and what I am about to say is probably no new news to you. But as I think about it, it’s news to me.
You and the Farmer are opposite sides of the same Soul. You materialize all his internal conflicts he needs to resolve. And he does that to you. You couldn’t choose a better soul mate to address all your hurdles. They stare you in the face everyday and beg you to make peace with them. And for the Farmer, YOU are his mirror as well. This is why you don’t leave and he has yet to make you leave. This is why he DID leave his family to join you in your heart.
Still, your journey together is a rough ride for your boys. You have to protect them while you and your soul mate learn through combat. Your children have to understand why this is happening, and within the eye of the storm, they must know that you and the Farmer DO love each other, NEED each other, WANT each other. And you both must love them, as I think you do.
Be careful with their young souls. They are fragile.
With love,
Irv
I think this is the kind of adolescent thinking that is tempting to embrace but really holds people back: “You and the Farmer are opposite sides of the same Soul.” Dude! Parents cannot be taken in by shit like this! Do what is right for your kids!
Your reply to this foolishness is especially funny because I believe “Irving Podolsky” is the character that the real man behind that comment likes to pretend to be on the internet. He’s like some poorly written, digital Peter Pan. “Irv” is a 15-year old boy, no? Something like that? “Adolescent thinking”. Ha.
It’s always fun when people claiming to be sensitive, romantic souls argue to keep children in abusive households for the purposes of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE and VALIDATION.
Oh, come on. It may sound a bit cheesy but it may not be foolish–it really depends on the situation. One way to look at the relationships we create is that we do so in order to externally recreate internal patterns we wish to heal. So if Penelope leaves him without understanding and removing the emotional charge off the old pattern in her psyche that has her attracting men like this, she may turn around and create an abusive situation with someone (or something) else. “Soulmate” could just be a romantic way of naming people our wounds are attracted to because the other will bring them to the surface–as an opportunity to heal them.
Although I agree that being in the body is just as or more important than being in the head, head people have an advantage in that their intelligence and creativity can allow them to discover new pathways and means to evolve. My dad used to hit my mom, me, and my sisters, but he did stop, and although it did do a lot of bad things to my psyche, it would have really really really sucked if they’d divorced. Even in an abusive situation, I did have stability. So, if there are other ways to improve the situation, the answer isn’t always to leave.
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you, only because I think we walked away from similar situations with entirely different perspectives. I never felt like the stability of a two-parent household justified remaining in an abusive relationship. I feel like people can provide great stability while divorced (funnily enough, Penelope’s Ex and her seem to do a great job at this).
Also, I believe we see things differently because your situation seems to have de-escalated while mine did the opposite. My parents were still fighting violently with my siblings well into their young adulthood (and only not with me because I left town). So I also see that pattern of escalation here with Penelope’s stories of abuse, and I think it is best she leave before things get worse. I think she is one of those people who hops from relationship to relationship without working on themselves, and while you can work on yourself within a relationship, her current marriage seems similar enough to her abusive childhood that she is merely re-living it and not growing. I think you have some valid points about not leaving without understanding the underlying pattern.
Oh, and that’s why I think little Irv’s comments are remarkably adolescent. It’s pretty obvious she’s been using males to rescue her from herself and from them her entire life; the Farmer is no different. Painting it all as some romantic journey of self-discovery while her children have no idea what’s happening seems, sorry, Irv, childish. It allows the rationalization that it will be better for everyone in the long term, while in reality the short term “battle” results in untold amounts of damage. Her children are too young not to know this isn’t normal, and that’s incredibly bad for them.
I love Irv.
Penelope, thank you for writing from such a brutally honest place and not pretending to have all of the answers. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I truly hope you find the help that you need. I think some of the commenters are not distinguishing between violence and abuse. Abuse is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to establish power and control over another. I wouldn’t begin to know the complexity of your situation and try to name it. What I will say is that you can be rich, famous, successful…and still experience abuse. Shelter may in fact be an option for you, and if you are truly afraid for your safety and that of your children then absolutely you could go that route. But that has to be your decision, and shouldn’t be based on what your father, your ex, or any of your commenters say. You know your situation best, and you are the best predictor of your husband’s behavior. You are an incredibly strong person as evidenced by how much you have lived through and survived. I am confident you will get through this too and continue to educate us all. Best of luck.
It sounds like he doesn’t like who he is when he’s with you, and he’s tried to leave. Let him.
At your behest: It’s me again, thinking (knowing) you need a hug.
I grew up in the opposite family from yours. So I had many emotional advantages. I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for all you’ve accomplished as a mother, as a careerwoman, as a human both locally and globally.
I do imagine you might be a little difficult to live with. :)
(Not that the Farmer isn’t. I’m in a relationship with a lifelong bachelor, age 55, and there are things he just doesn’t “get” at all. He can’t help it. He tries. I get the sense that the Farmer is trying…and just as frustrated as you are.)
Let’s face it, there’s nothing more difficult than human relations…and that’s ALL WE’VE GOT.
Have you considered marital counseling? (Forgive me if I’ve missed that detail in one of your posts. My retention isn’t what it used to be.) It may be time to stop crowd-sourcing this type of advice. I’m not passing judgment (I admire your blog and your bravery in all things) and I’m not being a smartass. I just think you may have reached the limits of what your readers can do and that it may be *counterproductive* to reveal these details.
Anyway, just wanted you to know I wish you well and am thinking good thoughts for you today. Sorry I couldn’t bring myself to put this in the comments.
Wishing you clarity and peace. xox
Seriously… I am not sure what you are trying to get at with this post.
Im sorry you are going through this but you don’t seem like “that woman” who wants people to feel sorry for her while she stays in an abusive relationship while never doing anything about it. It doesnt seem like you or…
Are you? If so then my perspective on you has totally changed.
Penelope,
Some of your other blogs have alluded to stresses in your marriage — this is the first one that’s come out with a description of violence. I’m so sorry; you may well need to leave.
That said, you and the Farmer need to be in couples counseling, starting tomorrow, to see if there are underlying patterns leading to violence that you can break out of. The post doesn’t tell us enough about the hours leading to the violence; none of us can “judge” whether you in any way “incited” violence (and that still wouldn’t excuse it!!), and no one can tell from hearing only your side whether or not you’re abusive.
My son is a really smart Aspie. I have Aspie traits, but not to his level and I suspect not to yours. The Farmer needs to read the stories of other partners-and-caregivers-of-Asperger’s-People and see if they resonate, and needs to share ideas and solutions with others in this boat. Because you don’t get to be violent with people just because they make you crazy; if he can’t control it he needs to get out of the house until the crazy has faded. Or, you, same thing. Also, if he’s getting crazy he may just plain not understand your needs and not understand when you’re having a really bad day or a bout of depression.
So, you abuse him and he abuses you. Is he wrong? Sure, and so are you. Is he the bad guy? Yes, and so are you. Could he every have a relationship with someone without being abusive? Maybe. Could you? I doubt it.
Penelope pushes people’s buttons. She does it to her readers on this blog. She does it to the people in her life. She pushes and waits for a reaction. It sounds like she’s addicted to the rush of adrenaline, which is why no matter who she is with, no matter where she goes or what she does, these problems will follow her.
If she wants to get better and have a calm life, which I doubt she does, then she would have to kick her addiction to that rush of excitement she feels when she gets a reaction from people. She would have to desire a more quiet life first, then research on what a quiet life is really like, and wean herself off of pushing people’s buttons and try to actually live a peaceful existence.
Penelope, you are awesome, engaging, brilliant, and a captivating writer. It is possible to live a peaceful life and still be all those things if you really want to.
…by the way, I used to be addicted to the chaos until I realized how draining and psychotic it was making me. I spent the last 10 years reprogramming myself and figuring things out. The mind is an amazing thing.
I recently re-watched “A Beautiful Mind” with Russell Crow. Penelope, you should watch that if you haven’t seen it yet….very inspiring.
I agree, and I’m concerned that, instead of dealing with these very serious issues, she is getting this adrenaline rush from our very comments right now — comments which are having a BIZARRE way of scolding her by way of 500 lashes. People who are experts in these issues do no prescribe 500 blog comments to dissect you and scold you for ways you may be contributing to a horrible situation which is largely not your fault. Penelope, you are smart enough to know that this situation is not totally unique and there are experts who know what to do. I hope you go find one and do not consider blog-brain your expert. I hope I’m wrong and she can be bloggy and take responsible action at the same time.
I agree, and I’m concerned that, instead of dealing with these very serious issues, she is getting this adrenaline rush from our very comments right now — comments which are having a BIZARRE way of scolding her by way of 500 lashes. People who are experts in these issues do no prescribe 500 blog comments to dissect you and scold you for ways you may be contributing to a horrible situation which is largely not your fault. Penelope, you are smart enough to know that this situation is not totally unique and there are experts who know what to do. I hope you go find one and do not consider blog-brain your expert. I hope I’m wrong and she can be bloggy and take responsible action at the same time.
I agree, and I’m concerned that, instead of dealing with these very serious issues, she is getting this adrenaline rush from our very comments right now — comments which are having a BIZARRE way of scolding her by way of 500 lashes. People who are experts in these issues do no prescribe 500 blog comments to dissect you and scold you for ways you may be contributing to a horrible situation which is largely not your fault. Penelope, you are smart enough to know that this situation is not totally unique and there are experts who know what to do. I hope you go find one and do not consider blog-brain your expert. I hope I’m wrong and she can be bloggy and take responsible action at the same time.
Well, he did try to run you over with a tractor.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, perhaps with a bit more emphasis;
Get the fuck out.
Your sons see this, and they learn from both of you that this is how you treat women. They learn that women will accept it. You are part of that lesson. Please be the part that shows them what you won’t accept.
But protect yourself, because leaving is the most dangerous part of the process. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t leave. It means make sure you know what your resources are, and be careful.
I assume by now you’re familiar with Gavin de Becker and his work. You might want to check out this part of his site: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
this site has a car chase in the banner ad on top = farcical
That’s not a banner ad, and it’s not farcical–de Becker is a security and protection expert. If you haven’t read his book “The Gift of Fear,” I’d recommend it.
That’s not a banner ad, and it’s not farcical–de Becker is a security and protection expert. If you haven’t read his book “The Gift of Fear,” I’d recommend it.
So what if you are an alleged psychopath? I don’t think people come to this blog for moral or ethical guidance so you are OK.
I don’t see the point of this post. We are not your psychologist. If you are still tormented by your childhood, go seek the help of one. There is a reason they exist. I’m suggesting honest options for you.
I get that you are writer, so does that mean you have to write about when you take a shit?
You are smart and have shown independence . You are acting like a victim and enjoying the role of the helpless woman.
So you are not a child anymore. Adults behave differently. There is an age where you stop blaming your parents and you reached that age a long time ago.
Appears to me your struggling with your own truth. Problem is that no one is bright enough to see the emotion they are fighting when they are within in it, its spiritually impossible to be beside your self when in an emotion. And your not happy not knowing. Take faith or drive yourself nuts babe, but do understand you must chose of your own free will or else.
What are you still doing there? I don’t mean it in a mean way, just that: you’ve gone trough so much aready, why are you letting yourself suffer again? And even if you believe you’re emotionally abusive to the farmer – so what, you still don’t deserve to be physically abused, and in front of your son, to boot. You’ve written about how unhappy you are, and I wonder: What holds you there?
I’ve realised that we put ourselves in the same situations time and again because we have yet to learn from them. Learning to leave, learning to think your worth it to leave, is tough. It sounds like you’re still struggling with this. Whether it is your father or your husband.
Maybe you won’t learn this in this life time. Which would suck. I hope you do.
If you take ownership of this situation, as I think you’re doing in this post since you can see the connection to your relationship with your father, you are one step closer to leaving. If you stay and take no action, maybe you are getting something out of the relationship. Anger is a very strong emotion. When someone expresses it at you, and you’re suffering from low self-esteem or a lot of insecurity, you can mistake it as a validation that they care. That someone, anyone, cares about you.
Propping you up is a blog with a lot of traffic and comments. If you don’t have the self-confidence internally, and you need something external to give it to you, just look at all the nice comments on your blog. The ones that tell you how you make people think differently. How you inspired them to leave shitty jobs. Then pack your stuff, grab your kids and leave.
Or stay if that is what you still need. But maybe send your kids elsewhere to live as you need to end the cycle, and you can’t do that for them if they’re living with parents that are abusive towards each other.
Wow. Life under glass. Love and furry and grief and confusion and, in the midst of it all, the banality of stamp collecting. As someone who writes, especially when I find myself in a dark corner, I thank you for sharing. It is brave to lay yourself bare. Your willingness to expose the ugly underbelly of your life is a gift to us all.
Your circumstances, as presented here, are heartbreaking. When put in black and white or shared with an ally or displayed under the harsh lights of a witness stand, the nuisances, mutual responsibility and mushy complexities are lost. Life and human being are just too complicated for any of us to judge. Even YOU don’t really know what the real truth is because you’re only live one piece of it.
So, I will refrain from offering advice. With 110 comments and counting, you are being well tended. The only phrase that keeps reverberating in my head, so I will share it is, “You take yourself with you”.
My heart goes out to you and the millions of others who are ensnared by the complexities of the human experience. My alcoholic, OCD, phobic Mom died a few months ago so I have a front row seat to the twists of turns of feelings.
You will know what to do when you know what to do…and not before.
You wrote awhile back that the Farmer was an ISTP and I was surprised you hadn’t considered this fact when you got involved with him. I believe David Keirsey, in Please Understand Me II, says the best type for an ENTJ is an INTP. With your quest for learning, you need to consider paying more attention to these things. I should have written to you sooner about it, but I thought it was too impertinent. Another book you should consider, especially since it is a short one, is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can take the test here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ Everyone should know their personality type and love language before entering into any relationship because these are the basic building blocks to a meaningful relationship.
I apologize for not responding when you first wrote about the Farmer’s type. You are strong enough to do the best thing for you and your children.
P.S. You still write like I’m sitting at your kitchen table.
You wrote awhile back that the Farmer was an ISTP and I was surprised you hadn’t considered this fact when you got involved with him. I believe David Keirsey, in Please Understand Me II, says the best type for an ENTJ is an INTP. With your quest for learning, you need to consider paying more attention to these things. I should have written to you sooner about it, but I thought it was too impertinent. Another book you should consider, especially since it is a short one, is The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can take the test here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ Everyone should know their personality type and love language before entering into any relationship because these are the basic building blocks to a meaningful relationship.
I apologize for not responding when you first wrote about the Farmer’s type. You are strong enough to do the best thing for you and your children.
P.S. You still write like I’m sitting at your kitchen table.
I put the wrong type in. Keirsey says INFP is the best type for an ENTJ, not INTP. My apologies to David Keirsey.
I put the wrong type in. Keirsey says INFP is the best type for an ENTJ, not INTP. My apologies to David Keirsey.
Penelope,
I might be the hundredth person saying it but: No one deserves to be abused. Ever.
There might be things you’ve done that you’re not proud of, that you wish you hadn’t done. But no matter what they are, it doesn’t give anyone permission to abuse you.
It might be hard to access shelters, but hotlines are anonymous. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 – 800 – 799 – SAFE (7233) to talk about your safety, get emotional support or get resources.Nobody knows the best thing for you to do in your situation but you, because no one is living your life but you. Maybe its best to get out, maybe its best to push back and renegotiate boundaries & relationship rules. Maybe its something else. If you need a neutral springboard, maybe call a number like the one above to figure it out. Be safe.D
Penelope,
I might be the hundredth person saying it but: No one deserves to be abused. Ever.
There might be things you’ve done that you’re not proud of, that you wish you hadn’t done. But no matter what they are, it doesn’t give anyone permission to abuse you.
It might be hard to access shelters, but hotlines are anonymous. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 – 800 – 799 – SAFE (7233) to talk about your safety, get emotional support or get resources.Nobody knows the best thing for you to do in your situation but you, because no one is living your life but you. Maybe its best to get out, maybe its best to push back and renegotiate boundaries & relationship rules. Maybe its something else. If you need a neutral springboard, maybe call a number like the one above to figure it out. Be safe.D
Why are you staying in this toxic relationship? What deep-seeded need is it satisfying for you? Because let’s face it, you are only there because you are getting something from it. I know I stay because I can’t afford to leave, what’s your excuse?
Why are you staying in this toxic relationship? What deep-seeded need is it satisfying for you? Because let’s face it, you are only there because you are getting something from it. I know I stay because I can’t afford to leave, what’s your excuse?
I have been following your blog for some time now, and I have always been a silent watcher from the sidelines. Today is different. I have to speak. As a child that grew up in a household where the adults were abusive to one another, I always see these situations from the vantage point of the child. I was the same age as your son, the first time that I witnessed my father punch my mother in the stomach when she was pregnant with my sister. 30 years later, and I still cannot erase that single image from my mind. I hurt for you, and your children. We all have our faults, and while no one is innocent in the situation, physical violence, especially exhibited in front of children, cannot, and should not be tolerated. Children learn how to love by watching how we love. We cannot teach them these lessons until we learn how to do it ourselves. You have to learn to love yourself first, trust in yourself enough to know what we all see in your blogs daily – you are a loving mother, an amazing, strong, resilient woman. The key is, you have to believe it – only then will you be confident enough to make the decision that you know is right for you.
I have been following your blog for some time now, and I have always been a silent watcher from the sidelines. Today is different. I have to speak. As a child that grew up in a household where the adults were abusive to one another, I always see these situations from the vantage point of the child. I was the same age as your son, the first time that I witnessed my father punch my mother in the stomach when she was pregnant with my sister. 30 years later, and I still cannot erase that single image from my mind. I hurt for you, and your children. We all have our faults, and while no one is innocent in the situation, physical violence, especially exhibited in front of children, cannot, and should not be tolerated. Children learn how to love by watching how we love. We cannot teach them these lessons until we learn how to do it ourselves. You have to learn to love yourself first, trust in yourself enough to know what we all see in your blogs daily – you are a loving mother, an amazing, strong, resilient woman. The key is, you have to believe it – only then will you be confident enough to make the decision that you know is right for you.
I don’t see what you are complaining about, that is just the way things are done on a farm.
Can’t think up any way in the world to give a pet special food? Then just kill it. There are so many animals and so much to do on a farm so that’s just the way it is.
Got an annoying wife? Just push around some. That’s just the way things are done on a farm.
People who don’t live on farms won’t understand this.
Stay or go. You’re a big girl now and you’ve choices, a luxury most women walking the planet do not have.
But what does a post like this, on a highly visible blog, do to your young children? Or doesn’t that matter?
This smells to me much like a meatless dinner…
Stay or go. You’re a big girl now and you’ve choices, a luxury most women walking the planet do not have.
But what does a post like this, on a highly visible blog, do to your young children? Or doesn’t that matter?
This smells to me much like a meatless dinner…
Hurting her kids hurts her, too. It’s a way to punish herself for her bad behavior. It’s less a meatless dinner and more a lamp-over-the-head. People who are in the self-harm blackhole as deep as she is tend to punish themselves emotionally for their perceived transgressions. This blog is a form of self-flagellation.
Valerie, I totally get it. And I’ve even been there. So I do get it.
I read this post first thing this morning and all I could think about were those poor kids. Actually, they’re all I still care about as far as this situation is concerned. But my reaction/comment earlier may have been more self-defensive than compassionate and that’s never a good space to come from.
Thank you for waking me up a bit.
Hi Jenny! I wasn’t trying to come down hard on you at all. 90% of the reason I’m commenting all over this blog with these blunt statements is because I hope she- Penelope- does read all the comments, and takes something away from them.
I don’t think she realizes that this blog is not a substitute for talking to real people, that this public flogging of herself is not equivalent to real penitent action, or that until she starts dealing with people she has to look in the eyes when speaking, she’s not making progress. Telling us about what a bad mom she is functions as just another way to hurt herself, which then spirals into the abuse-chasing behavior that comes up repeatedly in her posts. Again, I’m sort of pointing this out for her benefit, not yours.
And I’m not claiming to have all the answers or be some kind of psychologically perfect person- it’s just really easy for me to see this blog is not helping right now, having grown up with the same personality type for a mom with many of the same traits. It’s not helping. It’s hurting. Please stop, Penelope.
I am so sad for you, truly. I have no idea what the cure is for ‘Imposter Syndrome’ or any clear idea what it even ‘is’ but it sounds awful. Is this a recommended cure? I think (I hope) that you are doing what is best for you. I am British, and as much as I have had my moments of sharing my life, I am not totally convinced there’s conclusive evidence that it helps to put your private life out for all the world. You will work it out,
I am so sad for you, truly. I have no idea what the cure is for ‘Imposter Syndrome’ or any clear idea what it even ‘is’ but it sounds awful. Is this a recommended cure? I think (I hope) that you are doing what is best for you. I am British, and as much as I have had my moments of sharing my life, I am not totally convinced there’s conclusive evidence that it helps to put your private life out for all the world. You will work it out,
Penelope – why are you doing so many dishes? I think this was the beginning of what became a bad day for you.
If she’s like me, she does the dishes only when she runs out of clean ones.
If she’s like me, she does the dishes only when she runs out of clean ones.
Penelope
I will accept you in whatever form you decide to share yourself. I’ve been through some things in my time as well, and mostly, sociiety doesnt want you to talk about it because honestly it alarms plenty, and they dont want to have to think about how difficult something may have been or how a family’s fabric shredded and leaves behind a person trying to understand how to live their life.
I love that you are brave enough to share the good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly. Honestly, I think thats courageous. social normals are sometimes just bullshit – truth is truth. Never be afraid to say what is your truth: to do otherwise, I think, is to ingore who you are at this time.
That things have come to a physical point, is not safe. I liked the idea someone had about you and the farmer living in separate places. IF there is still love between you then this makes sense. Some people just cannot live together as their boundaries are just not flexible enough to share. Ultimately, what you choose is your right – though I would definitely toss a red flag on the field and say, “it is true, what your kids see is what they will believe is a loving relationship.” If you dont want them to recreate the same situations throughout their life in their attempt to understand themselves, then you will need to do something so that they do not see their mother being physically harmed. If the farmer has gotten to this extend: he must know he has lost control of his own copability.
We have all seen the tv scene a million times: someone gets shoved because of a heat of the moment arguement, but this time they dont get up: because they suffered a brain hemorage and died. Another scene Im sure you dont want your kids to ever live through.
LIfe is an experience and journey. Sometimes something that sounds good, doesnt always work out to be liveable.
You are a survivor. Keeping going forward.
Penelope, I will share a bit about two of my relationships:
#1 – He was emotionally abusive, and I became physically abusive in response. Someone posted here about the options to escalate, submit, or disengage. I think that does boil it down to the essentials. Neither of us could disengage, and neither would submit.
So we went to counseling. We were able to learn how to defuse. One technique we used is that one of us would leave, but it was for a set amount of time. In an hour, we would be back. And I learned that, even as a woman, if I was hitting, I was an abuser. I had to regard violence as simply off limits. Nothing was worth me viewing myself as an abuser.
Ultimately we split up because I wanted to move away and have a different kind of life than he wanted, and we are now good friends.
#2 – In my current relationship, we are having serious issues right now, and a big contributor is his passive aggression. From what I’m reading online, it is considered a form of emotional abuse.
I talk about everything, and I describe every feeling, and I overwhelm him. So then he withholds. Sex, daily chit chat, everything. It progressed slowly, I didn’t realize this was what was going on, that he was that angry with me, until he started taking his complaints, and eventually his affections, to a female coworker instead of to me. Then I looked it up. Apparently, along with passive aggression comes “triangulation.”
Here’s the most helpful link I’ve found about passive aggression. http://thecouplestoolkit.com/2010/09/21/the-passive-aggressive-punch-the-silent-code-of-anger-in-the-coupledom/
It’s surprising to me the crappy quality of psychology info on the web. If you have any recommendations for better sites, maybe let me know.
Do you think counseling would be an option for you two? Would the Farmer be open to it if it was agreed that it would only be a set number of sessions, maybe two or three?
Penelope – you forgot to tell us how we’ll know if we pass the test. In sticking with you – by which I presume you to mean staying subscribed to your blog – do we pass or fail the test?
Or is it a test for you, and we are to be your examiners?
Perhaps how you answer my first question is a test. If you suggest that we fail by sticking around, that does suggest that you hold a certain view of yourself, does it not?
I am very glad you are a writer. I can get the benefit of your great insight without having to know you personally. You don’t have to have everything together in all areas of your life to be a good role model in one or two. But that said, I cannot tolerate in my life the kind of disrespect that I see on both sides of your relationship. I honestly can’t see how you can. I mean, I guess I can understand it is a coping strategy. It is a deeply rooted impulse to find the feelings of love or at least importance that you need as a person in ways that have worked for you before, that come out without your fully-conscious decision. Likely there are hormonal aspects that put you off balance too, by skewing your emotional perception. But by the way that you pragmatically analyze the world of careers, the way you can take the data and extract relevant lessons, it seems odd to me that you have so much trouble looking at your personal life in the same terms, taking your goals for yourself and your relationship and analytically adding up what is required to achieve them.
This has been a rough week for me because a younger adult friend of mine is in the middle of dealing with a seriously controlling and essentially abusive situation with her Dad, that has come down to the point of her moving out of his house (to mine) and his threats to me, my partner, and her boss who have all thwarted his attempts to keep her isolated and dependent. But she didn’t grow up with him, and although it has been hard, she has a really good intuition or understanding of what she is and is not willing to put up with. Therefore, she has to make a break, even if only temporary. It would be nice to be able to have it both ways, a great bond with her dad, and being able to live a productive life on her own terms. But the way to determine what you can and cannot control in life is simple. You can control yourself and your own actions. You cannot control ANYTHING else. Her dad is not willing to cooperate in order for her to get what she needs. She is therefore on her own in that pursuit.
You can take action to get what you want too, but you have to be realistic about it. You can’t game the system when it comes to interpersonal relations. You have to do all the negotiating up front, explicitly and honestly. If there are supposed to be rules as to how you are to be treated, there must be rules as to how you treat others. You cannot make those rules at a certain point, or change them, but only take them or leave them. Little passive aggressive violations just show bad faith, and while the rise you get may be reassuring to you, it just erodes the ability to trust and communicate, which is really your only chance at working together. Imagine a business partnership where neither person trusted anything the other said. It would be pointless, or at the very least extremely risky and only worth approaching if the potential payoff was very high. Perhaps you are upping the stakes of your relationship in order to feel justified in the payoff you hope to get. Maybe you are looking for the dip? But what could the potential payoff be in a personal relationship, where you have sacrificed the very tools you need to achieve success? What do you want? You may want to make sure that your model of success is realistic, because you cannot have everything.
Also, maybe your perceptions are misleading you. You might try to find some method of feedback in order to train yourself to experience things outside of the emotional context that you grew up with. Maybe some of the things you think of as bad, are not really bad, and vice versa, but because you have arranged your conceptual furniture in a certain way for so long, you don’t see where things could be changed for a better flow. Maybe just pick one small area where you are challenged and try to figure out the underlying assumptions that you are relying on. Examine them closely and try to figure out where they came from. How could you explain things differently in your past experience if you inverted them or changed them. There is progress throughout history as humans have refined our models of how things work. The old models worked ok for a long time, but when inconsistencies arose, sometimes we have to throw out what always worked and find something better. Isn’t that what your career advice is all about? Finding a better model?
I don’t think you are ready to give up on the farmer, and I don’t think either of you have malicious intentions, but you might need some space to work things out, especially as you have trained eachother to understand one another’s actions with trepidation and distrust and perhaps desperation. You have resources. An apartment in town can not be too much of a hardship for a month or two and a retreat might be something both of you could appreciate, which does not preclude eating dinner together every night or spending time together. It just might make both of you feel a bit more secure to be able to plan and predict your interactions. Both of you might be able to feel more able to work sincerely on improving your relationship if there was an opportunity to to know that you could relax without being vulnerable in weak moments. And if in the course of the hard work it will take to make things better, you find out that your goals and visions for the future are not compatible, then that is a step forward, not back. Although, maybe you will be able to move forward past the trouble you have gotten into and reach a mutually desirable future.
Finally. Our backgrounds shape us, but do not define us. My partner grew up in a really bad situation with a lot of stress and dysfunction, but he is one of the calmest, most generous and reasonable people I have ever met. Your sons will have to live their own lives and they will have the opportunity to transcend their challenges like you have. Do your best for them and they will have as much as anyone can ever expect in this world. The best modeling you can do for them is to address your own needs and challenges honestly and fiercely, as you seem always to do.
Where is the line that cannot be crossed?
Where is the line that cannot be crossed?
I think the theme of this post is to figure out if someone with a difficult personality can ever have a good relationship with the men in her life. Because, usually, men only enter a woman’s life if he has a special interest in her (Dad, husband) as opposed to women who have less attached relationships (friendships). Is this pattern doomed to repeat itself, or can this be fixed?
I think the theme of this post is to figure out if someone with a difficult personality can ever have a good relationship with the men in her life. Because, usually, men only enter a woman’s life if he has a special interest in her (Dad, husband) as opposed to women who have less attached relationships (friendships). Is this pattern doomed to repeat itself, or can this be fixed?
Penny,
Reading this hurts more than I can tell you. All that I can say is get real help now.
Penny,
Reading this hurts more than I can tell you. All that I can say is get real help now.
Penelope – you worry about what example is set for your boys when they see the farmer pushing you.
I really don’t think anybody here is realizing the magnitude of how difficult you can be. Abuse is abuse.
And that’s what the boys see. Your craziness. All the time.
The farmer incidents, when he’s pushed beyond his limits, those seem like less than 1%
But the boys also see your many wonderful strengths too- your writing, community building, thoughtfulness about career and purpose…
How you act now is (and has been) creating the foundation of how your boys perceive and interact with females. Think about that.
In one way or another, the chances are very good that their perception of you will determine the choices they make about women in the future, throughout their lives.
If you want that to be a more balanced influence, maybe you just shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Look, I think you’re almost brilliant, and I’ll continue to look forward to your posts. You’ve got a helluva lot of strengths Penelope. They’ll get you through this tough stuff.
Penelope – you worry about what example is set for your boys when they see the farmer pushing you.
I really don’t think anybody here is realizing the magnitude of how difficult you can be. Abuse is abuse.
And that’s what the boys see. Your craziness. All the time.
The farmer incidents, when he’s pushed beyond his limits, those seem like less than 1%
But the boys also see your many wonderful strengths too- your writing, community building, thoughtfulness about career and purpose…
How you act now is (and has been) creating the foundation of how your boys perceive and interact with females. Think about that.
In one way or another, the chances are very good that their perception of you will determine the choices they make about women in the future, throughout their lives.
If you want that to be a more balanced influence, maybe you just shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Look, I think you’re almost brilliant, and I’ll continue to look forward to your posts. You’ve got a helluva lot of strengths Penelope. They’ll get you through this tough stuff.
Hi Penelope,
Thank you for being brave enough to write this post. There is no justification for physical violence no matter how little meat you serve him or how much the compromise on religion. You need to seize control of your situation. If you feel the inclination to move to the Bay Area, or just stay here for a little while to get a breather, I am totally willing to host you.
Jade
I think that’s really nice of you to do for a stranger, kudos.
But here’s the deal- she knows those aren’t the reasons he claims she emotionally abuses him. She’s throwing those out there to paint herself as a victim. You know why her foot got crushed in the door? Because she stuck it in there to keep him from slamming it. I would love for her to respond to this and confirm that as fact. She probably won’t, but who knows. Penelope? Foot in the door because he was shutting you out, right?
It’s pretty obvious to anyone who grew up with someone like her or who is kind of like her. She acts like my mother did all through my childhood, provoking my father into fistfights. And I act like her now, sometimes. The week Penelope was throwing herself in front of a tractor, I was body slamming the living room door my boyfriend had blockaded with a couch. Until he came out and threw me into the wall. Between the two of us the right side of my body was a bruise.
Because you can scream at us and you can hit us, but we will not be ignored. Right, Penelope?
It’s pretty obvious she spins this to get sympathy. It’s almost kind of noble, to say how she knows she should get help, but she doesn’t want to, and it’s because of all these men who hurt her, and yadda yadda yadda. It would be less noble to detail how she was screaming in her husband’s face. Or to mention, you know, her foot was crushed in the door because she stuck it in there. She has a really insidious way of attributing blame through the things she doesn’t say.
So there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell she’s going to take you up on your offer, in other words. Because while I am thoroughly ashamed of my behavior and I actually do realize that it is all.on.me. to change it and that whole episode was a major wakeup call for me, she still plays the pity game and lives in a good deal of denial about just how much damage she’s doing to her boys. They won’t grow up hitting women- they’ll end up self-abusive like she is. Practically guaranteed, if nothing changes for them.
Still, that’s really nice of you to offer. Sincerely, really sweet.
Hi Valerie. You’re more than entitled to justify your own abusive relationship, but that doesn’t mean Penelope should.
The Farmer, like Penelope, is free to dissolve the relationship and make a better situation for himself. That’s usually the case in abusive relationships between adults: for different reasons, neither party is especially motivated or equipped (emotionally or otherwise) to leave the horrible situation and create a better life for themselves. The Farmer is choosing to not do different/better.
Of course we know the Farmer has the means to put an end to the situation and do better for himself, just as much – arguably more so – as Penelope (she and her boys stand to suffer a far greater upheaval in their lives by leaving than the Farmer does in kicking them out). I’ll say it again: The Farmer is choosing to not do different/better.
And maybe it’s just me, but I think pretty much anything has to be better than knowing you’ve pushed the woman you supposedly “love” to the ground – regardless of what you think she did to “provoke” the attack. People who wind up harming (or killing) others in self defense often lead tortured, ruinous lives after the fact. Even though they know they were placed in an impossible situation, they feel remorse. Penelope has yet to share any inkling of the Farmer’s remorse with us; even if he feels she “pushed” him to his limit (which I still think if a total B.S. argument), shouldn’t he feel bad for inflicting harm, period? That would at least demonstrate a willingness to address his contribution to this toxic situation.
Abusers generally don’t assume any responsibility for the situation. Penelope does nothing BUT blame herself. The Farmer has maintained, based on what Penelope shares – both in good times and bad – that he is blameless and it is all her fault. See the difference?
Even *if* you want to make the argument that Penelope is exagerrating the situation for the purposes of drumming up sympathy on her blog, I don’t see what she stands to gain that could possibly make her day-to-day reality suck any less, or how that makes the farmer’s actions any less “wrong”.
The Farmer may not have an audience of blog readers to support him, but by not challenging the status quo and continuing to perpetuate an abusive situation, he’s complicit.
I think Jade’s expression of concern and hospitality was spot-on.
No, I agree. Jade was being really nice. I wasn’t being sarcastic when I said it was a sweet gesture. I just don’t think Penelope is going to take her- or anyone else- up on an offer of true support. From the cues I’m getting in her posts, she isn’t there yet.
I’m not really sure where I justified an abusive relationship- I just said I’m more than aware that my behavior is unacceptable, and while I can’t do anything to change anyone else, I can take responsibility for my own actions. Whether that means leaving the relationship or not is an entirely different issue. And I believe that taking responsibility for my own actions in no way justifies somebody else’s violent behavior. It’s not either/or.
My point was that Penelope has a very clever way of victimizing herself with a sort of up-front mea culpa attitude but hasn’t, as far as I’m aware, ever vocalized any kind of desire to change her behavior or circumstances. I’m not saying she isn’t a victim. Again, I never said the Farmer is blameless or anything of the kind. I just wasn’t talking about him since he’s not the one writing. Clearly if she is the subject of abusive, physical or otherwise, she is a victim.
Her post, however, points to everyone but her as the root of her problems. While there is a very obvious cause/effect between her experiences as a child and her behavior now, she doesn’t seem ready to take steps towards healthy adult behavior. This is not the first self-harm post (or self-harm like badgering someone until they hurt you, which she has done in other posts like the tractor one). Granted I can only respond to what she posts, which is hardly a full picture of her life, but from what she posts, I’ve only seen a glorification of behavior like self-harm, purposeful provocation of violent behavior in her spouse, and an obsession with bulimia.
Did anyone else see the tweet about popping a Xanax pre-couple’s therapy to make her husband look like the crazy one? That’s the behavior of someone who would rather be right than happy. I am slowly becoming not-that-person and hopefully someday she can too. I know from experience that it’s a lot easier to be glamorously unglamorous, to be defiantly, unabashedly screwed up, and fly your freak flag, scars and all, than it is to admit you are normal and need help like any other person.
To reiterate- I’m in no way excusing anyone’s violent behavior towards anyone, ever. I’m NOT saying that she deserves what she’s getting. I would never say that about anyone who is being abused. That would be despicable. I was pointing out that from what I’m reading between the lines here, we have someone who is in pretty deep denial about their circumstances, how much control they have over their own lives, and that I don’t think she is going to willingly accept help from anyone.
It seems like she wants attention and pity from this forum, but doing the kind of soul-searching that leads to real change is a long way off. I’m not judging, just observing. None of these comments are any different from the ones eight months ago or however long it was when she was posting about hurting herself during an argument to make a point.
This is especially worrisome as she has two young children who are now growing up with this kind of domestic violence- the breaking lamps over your own head kind- as normal life. Of course not everyone turns out the same, but from her blog, her and the Farmer are a very familiar picture. I have younger siblings and I’ve seen what it did to them to grow up in that environment. They’re doing great now, but it hasn’t been easy.
Wow…everything I’d been thinking but unable to articulate. Incredibly insightful words from someone who was once abused and became the abuser, just as I did. Never ever was I physical but emotionally abusive? definitely. And would have sworn blind I wasn’t. T
‘that’s the behavior of someone who would rather be right than happy.’ never a truer word spoken. Seek first to understand. Both sides. That’s the cure. Don’t make the Farmer the demon so you can believe yourself the saint. You’re both human and both perhaps damaged and you need to help each other.
Wow…everything I’d been thinking but unable to articulate. Incredibly insightful words from someone who was once abused and became the abuser, just as I did. Never ever was I physical but emotionally abusive? definitely. And would have sworn blind I wasn’t. T
‘that’s the behavior of someone who would rather be right than happy.’ never a truer word spoken. Seek first to understand. Both sides. That’s the cure. Don’t make the Farmer the demon so you can believe yourself the saint. You’re both human and both perhaps damaged and you need to help each other.
“Seek first to understand. Both sides. That’s the cure.”
Good advice. One thing that was really huge for me to realize is that I don’t have to be right to be worth acknowledging.
This has changed my attitude. I used to be the best arguer in the world, because I was so afraid to be wrong. If I was wrong, no one had to listen to me or care what I had to say. So I needed to be right.
From what she writes, Penelope is exactly like that too. She will hurt herself to get attention, and she will provoke other people into hurting her so she can be right, because it’s not enough to just feel the way she feels. But that’s not true. Letting go of being right is the best thing in the world, because it comes with the realization that people will hear you anyway, and love you anyway, and being right is not so important after all.
This is so right on. Usually these situations involve one partner who lacks boundaries and is unable to take responsibility for their emotions and actions (the Farmer). The other person lacks boundaries and thinks they responsible for everything, including the mental/emotional state and actions of another sovereign being (Penelope). Case in point, Penelope says, in this very post, “I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.”
Penelope, there is nothing for you to fix here– you’re not the one lashing out with physical abuse. Refusing to serve meat, etc. is not emotional abuse, and even if you were really being emotionally abusive to the Farmer, it would be incumbent on the Farmer to leave or otherwise address it in a way that does not involve more abuse.
It sounds like this relationship is not working right now, and the parties involved lack insight and awareness into how they are contributing to the problems. I encourage you to separate soon (a real separation where contact is limited only to truly essential matters). Counseling can come later, but it will not work unless you both come into it with the right attitude, having done the hard work of understanding your contribution to this mess.