My birthday present to myself
It’s my birthday. So I get to write about anything. I get to indulge. The first thing is that I want to republish a poem that I published a long time ago, when I thought maybe I could get away with publishing poems on my blog. Now I know that for sure, poetry kills traffic.
But I like this poem so much:
Employed
She just wants to be employed
for eight hours a day. She is not
interested in a career; she wants a job
with a paycheck and free parking. She
does not want to carry a briefcase filled with important papers to read
after dinner; she does not want to return phone calls. When she gets home,
she wants to kick off her shoes and waltz around her kitchen singing, “I am
a piece of work.”
I like it maybe because it’s me. Sometimes I get tired of having to earn money. I have so many things I want to do, and it’s so distracting to have to earn money. I could have married someone with a lot of money and then I wouldn’t have to worry about earning money, but I didn’t choose that.
For the record, those dates went terribly.
And I think I am most grounded when I am running my own business. I like the process of figuring out how to make money. I think it makes me happy. I think the hardest part of being an adult is making sense of the contradiction that things that make money make me happy and things that don’t make money make me happy and how much should I do of each?
Some days I do a good job of doing both. Like the day I took my son out of school for a trip to the city (yes, Madison, WI is “the city” for us now). I did a TV segment for Court TV (some guy with Asperger Syndrome was on trial.)
And then we went out to lunch for pizza and played air hockey.
I’m not sure if this is what I want though. I know I keep talking about how I’m lonely on the farm, but I think I might like being alone most of all.
Can I earn money if I want to be alone? I’m not sure. For example, I am an excellent journalist because I have a sense of what is news before it becomes news.
Ori Heffetz, professor of economics at Cornell, sent me some happiness research he was working on. It was not yet published, but I could tell it was going to be big, so I asked him if I could interview him. Then I missed three appointments. I don’t know why. I think because I have huge anxiety of picking up the phone. Having to switch from alone time to time with someone else is very hard for me. I really like alone time.
See this picture. It’s my idea of a great day:
Okay. So the problem is that I love being alone and also, I have a really hard time switching tasks (very common for people with Asperger’s), and it sometimes feels impossible for me to do a phone interview. So, this is typical for many interviews I do.
Ori wrote:
Hi Penelope — not quite sure how to explain your sudden disappearance but either way, I thought you might be interested in this piece in The Economist that mentions our paper and in general seems aligned with your interests.
www.economist.com/node/17578888
So I could have scooped the Economist. But I didn’t. So look, just click there. It’s a good paper on jobs and happiness, and Ori is onto something.
I love being alone, but I worry about being alone. I obsess about happiness research because I am trying to figure out where I fit in in that research. I clearly do not need as many social connections as other people because socializing is completely overwhelming to me . But I do need connections.
I had this idea that the farmer would be my one connection in the world. The love of my life. I thought I’d be on the farm and just talk to him, and sort of talk to researchers but mostly miss phone calls and life would be great. But it’s not happening that way. The farmer does not really want that sort of connection. He is not the connecting type.
Don’t tell me you told me so, okay? I’m just trying to figure out what to do. I’m trying to figure out what else can make me happy.
Happiness research has been a big disappointment to me. For a bazillion reasons. But today the disappointment is that it assumes we have no limits. The most high-functioning, optimistic people assume they control their own environment and they do not blame other people for their problems.
Okay. So I am taking control of things. I am going to tell you how I am going to be happy.
First, I’m going to focus on what I can control. I could link to AA here, but I’m going to link to Ben Bernake’s commencement address at the University of South Carolina. People who focus on what they can’t control are not happy. This is hard for me. I want to feel disappointed about the state of my marriage to the farmer. I know it’s not good for me. And it’s my birthday, so I can do it for one more post. But I promise that at the end of today, no more.
Next, I’m going to do what I’m good at. I’m good at creating businesses. I should do that. I’m good at finding great business partners. I should do that. Right now I’m focusing on stuff that’s hard for me — parenting, budgeting, fitting into a new community. This is not stuff that will give me that feeling of flow. Flow is what makes us feel happy. Or content Or whatever we’re aiming to feel. Flow is good. I want flow. So I need to build a business again. Somehow.
Next, I’m going to keep a gratitude journal. The reason this is a good thing to do is because then we don’t take things for granted. Here’s a post on Marginal Revolution that shows why keeping a gratitude journal is the most effective action you can take, by yourself, to shift your happiness level.
I have tried this gratitude journal thing before, and I have stopped after two days, because it’s too fun to be pissy. But now I have a trick. I got myself to meditate by doing it with my kids. Once I told my kids we were going to meditate because it’s important for a good life, I was great at making them do it every day. And now I’m doing it every day, with them. So I know if I have them do the gratitude journal every day then I’ll do it, too.
So I guess this post could be about co-dependence as a path to happiness.
A free ticket to co-dependence is a great birthday present, I think.
Awesome post. Thank you for sharing what is now my new favourite poem. Pretty much sums in up.
Happy Birthday! In response to above judgemental people, I appreciate your comments about ambivalence about where nd how you live. Everyone is ambivalent about somethings. You are living and speaking honestly, and most people never do that. I respect you for that totally. Stay on your path until you find a reason to move off of it. You’re a smart chick, you will do just great!
Happy Birthday!
Warmest wishes. Interesing that you struggle with being around people, whereas I struggle being alone. I sense that the root cause of my fear of being alone and your fear of connecting to people are the same; although they manifest themselves in apparently contradictory ways. I haven’t figured out what my root fear is.
And – one of my favourite take away messages from your blog to date is the question I constantly find myself asking myself, and invariably answering the same way: “do I want an interesting life? or a happy life?” My life is interesting. Happy as well, but definitely interesting.
Here’s to an interesting year filled with happiness…both are possible!
I always thought ‘searching for happiness’ was so cliche. I mean, seriously – where are you really going to find permanent happiness? Things are never constant – what makes you happy one day will completely dissatisfy you the next.
You even wrote about happiness vs. interesting. Maybe for you, interesting is happiness? OR maybe you just aren’t able to make yourself happy. Most people live their entire lives not feeling like they are good enough, have done enough, have been successful. They are not happy. Mostly because, they aren’t happy with who they are and what they’ve chosen to do.
You chose to marry a farmer. And he loves you. And some days you can’t stand the farm and other days you adore the farm. Maybe you should just be happy that you don’t have 1 emotion – you have several and each day is different – which means you don’t have to be the same everyday.
And being a little bit different everyday is rewarding and interesting. And it can make you happy .. If you just accept it.
You write: “I'm good at creating businesses. I should do that. I'm good at finding great business partners. I should do that. Right now I'm focusing on stuff that's hard for me – parenting, budgeting, fitting into a new community.”
Any chance your next business idea can be focused on one of those items that is difficult for you? Turn your difficulties into solutions for you, and others, through a successful business that helps solve a particular difficulty.
Also, just as a side note, for the budgeting thing, check out http://www.learnvest.com. Perhaps their products can help out. The community is certainly great.
Let us know when you have that next business idea, and we’ll see how we can help you achieve it.
Jason
Thanks for the poem! That’s how I’ve been feeling for a few years now in Corp America. Over the years I came to the realization that I wanted no more than to be employed. Then while reading “Decoded” by Jay-Z with hubby, I realize why. Jay-Z says, “Nine to five is how to survive, I ain’t tryin’ to survive I’m tryin’ to live it to the limit and love it a lot.” I am no longer tryin to survive which is why when the well runs dry, I’ll build my garden in the dirt.
“People who focus on what they can't control are not happy.”
I imagine this is especially so if you’re unusually at the mercy of something you can’t control, like chronic illness. Or worse, a spouse’s chronic illness, as in our family. ARG. I knew there was a reason I liked Zoloft! ;)
I would suggest keeping a one sentence journal instead of a gratitude journal. It’s easy and you never run out of something to write. I say this because I tried keeping a gratitude journal and it was terrible. I kept repeating the same stuff each month. So instead I focus on the what and the how. What happened in my day and how did I feel. There are no goals, just an account of what is going on each day. My journal usually ends up being daily entries of 2-3 sentences, but the idea of writing only one sentence usually seems so easy, so I allow myself to play this trick on myself. At the end of each week and month I review. I look for the positive and one thing I can improve. It’s done wonders for my happiness because I see the patterns I enjoy and keep doing them and try to push out the bad habits that make me unhappy.
I also decided to keep a one sentence observation journal. I look at the world (news, twitter, blogs, friends) see a problem and how I can fix it. This was been a huge help as well. It’s helped me focus on improving people’s lives instead of what’s wrong with the world.
You need to read Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh if you have not already. Sums up the pursuit of happiness and wraps it in a cool story.
An old but interesting saying “Having a career sucks the ambition out of you”, generally meaning working stops you doing the things that you really want to do. I can never understand why someone would have an ambition to have a great job rather than wanting to doeverything you ever wanted to do.
Happy birthday! (Dec. 10)
I seem to focus on stuff that’s hard for me too. It also *requires* a lot of focus so by default it eats up a lot of my emotional reserves. I relate.
What you wrote is true for many even if not openly discussed — I think most people think about the state of their relationships too. Honesty is definitely more interesting even though a dilemma is introduced once the difficulties are voiced because then it means we have to address them. I like doing this kind of introspection myself even if it means I uncover truths about my own struggles, because that for me sometimes happens after a kind of flow. (Which you say makes us happy? Ima hafta read that other post.)
BTW, the last photo of the farm? I can see that the sun is setting and the edges of the sun’s golden tendrils touching the farmhouse. It takes what could be a kindof boring photo and make it breathe. That photo isn’t breathing yet but I could see the potential.
Here are two great articles on beginning photography and light:
Light
http://photo.net/making-photographs/light
Point-n-shoot tips:
http://photo.net/learn/point-and-shoot-tips
Both are by Philip Greenspun of MIT and photo.net fame. He rocks. I can already see that you have an eye for this because you didn’t center the items in the middle (as is a common mistake) and your photos have personality. Can’t wait to see more of your stuff as you learn!
happy birth day to you, sorry for my late wishes.
Happy birthday Penelope… Take one day at a time and live as if there is tomorrow.
Isn’t it that we’re alone most of the time, even when we’re surrounded by many others…? Happy Birthay Penelope. Better late than never.
I don’t think I have aspergers, and the sight of an empty road make me cringe, but I DO LOVE to be alone…just as long as I know other people are out there. Maybe my favorite view was from the high-rise apartment in NYC we lived in after we got married. When our first daughter was born, I would be propped up in bed nursing at 3 AM and stare out at the city full of lights (and sounds). Loved being cocooned with her and my snoring spouse, when I could see so much life outside. I think its because it reminded me that the world is teeming with other human beings struggling and surviving and some days thriving just like me. So its nice to know that I’m not alone in liking to be alone. Funny….
Happy belated birthday. Glad to see you had an eventful one!
Penelope, gratitude will get you everywhere. :)
Gratitude can be viewed as a selfish act since it provides so many benefits to ourselves while at the same time benefiting the people around us. It’s nourishment for the soul. It’s so much better than flattery.
Here’s a post titled “Gratitude” at http://attractingwellness.net/2011/05/31/gratitude/ that I really enjoyed. I navigated from that site to http://www.gratefulness.org/index.htm because I liked the quote from Brother David Steindl-Rast – “In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” I skimmed the Gratefulness.org site and then read about Brother David, a Benedictine monk, whose life and teachings I found to be interesting. He wrote a few books and contributed to others but the book I found of interest was titled ” Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer: An Approach to Life in Fullness” that can be found on Amazon.
You know what I’m looking forward to on this blog?
Your birthday post this year where you once again get to indulge!