You think it would be really fun to have sex with me. Because, I think you can tell from my posts, I’ll do anything. But maybe you can also tell from my posts that it’s a little bit weird. Because you know that I’ll say anything, too, but sometimes, I make you cringe.

I think I’m that way in bed, too.

This post is about work. And sex, which are two of the essential areas of life one needs to be able to function in before you can feel like a normal adult. And both sex and work are governed by a set of rules that many people are able to learn just by being in the world.

Asperger Syndrome compromises one’s ability to read nonverbal social cues. A simple example of this deficit is answering the question, “How are you?” It is loaded with so many nonverbal issues that I simply freeze. Even if you tell me, “Just say fine,” sometimes the situation looks special to me, and I can’t figure out why it’s special, so I can’t talk.

So I’ve spent my life teaching myself the rules for what to do in each social situation. I study people, make notes for myself, and then test the notes to see what other situations my notes apply to. To get a sense of how awkward this looks, here’s a video that is supposed to be a parody of people with Asperger’s interacting with each other. But my family has such a high proportion of people with Asperger’s that this video, honestly, is not far from what our life is like.

In my experience, the places with the most rules are work and sex. So, you can teach yourself the process of becoming better at work by applying the process of learning the rules about dating and sex. And vice versa. I, for example, am great at work rules and terrible at sex rules. So I teach myself using the reverse mechanism.

1. You can tell you need help if you are not having fun.
When I think about my sexual history, I think it is me basically not understanding that there are rules.

In college, where most people are experimenting with the rules of sex, I was missing them. Maybe because I was raised by my grandma, I honestly believed that if you had sex, it meant you were getting married. So I lost my virginity to a guy who said he’d marry me.

And on that day, I had no idea how sex worked. I don’t know why I had not bothered to find out.

He was propped up on his arms when he couldn’t find my vagina with his penis, so he said, “Put me inside.”

I said, “What?”

“Inside you. Use your hand.”

“I don’t know where the hole is.”

“What? Are you kidding me?”

“There are a lot of holes down there. I don’t know which one is for sex.”

“You are so stupid.”

He eventually put his penis in. He said, “Am I in?”

I said, “I don’t know.”

Then he came. And I returned to doing homework.

2. If you can start by pretending it feels right, eventually it will feel right.
After college I posed nude to make money. A guy who paid a lot of money for a shoot looked at me for one second and said that I’m too uptight to be good. Another guy did soft-focus for Penthouse. I signed a release. He told me to undress, showed me a dressing room, and gave me a robe. I said, “I don’t need this,” and I undressed right in front of him.

“What should I do?”

“Lay down, and enjoy yourself.”

“Enjoy myself? Do you have a book I could read?”

“No, I’m going to take pictures now. I mean you should masturbate.”

I didn’t know what to do. I only need one finger to move one inch back and forth to masturbate. He wouldn’t see it. I told him I thought all the other women were faking it for him because masturbation is not visual.

“Okay. Can you fake it for me?” he said.

I tried, and then we both agreed that I couldn’t. So I left.

3. Surround yourself with people who can effectively guide you through rules.
I tried having lesbian sex. I answered an ad. Picture her: The professional ballet dancer who had just quit, and to celebrate, she got breast implants. And me, the aspiring professional beach volleyball player.

She spent the whole evening talking about how smart I am and how many books I’ve read and how strong I am.

I spent the whole evening talking about how hot she is.

I did not realize that this exchange meant that I had to be the aggressor in bed.

I said, “Are we going to kiss now? We can’t do this whole date and not kiss.”

She said, “I need you to seduce me.”

I said, “What? Are you kidding? Just take your clothes off. How are we going to have sex if we keep putting it off?”

She said, “It’s not like that. There has to be a game or something.”

I said, “Okay. You do the game. What should we do?”

She pouted. I did not realize it was part of the game.

I told her that we were really ineffective together and I thought we needed some guy there with us to run the show. We never did that. We never did anything.

4. If you don’t learn the rules for navigating, life gets boring and repetitive.
I am fast-forwarding through things that are largely repetitive of the above situations. For example, there was the guy who asked me out while I was an arbitrage clerk at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. He was on the phones, picking up orders, and I’d stand in the British Pound pit, flashing hand signals to him to tell him what was bid and offer. He’d flash back a hand signal like, buy ten at twenty. Then he started using other sorts of hand signals (open-outcry hand-signals are way more than just market indicators, believe me.) He flashed the sign for do you want to have lunch (spooning food into mouth for “eat” coupled with pretending to break something between your hands, for “break”). I went.

We dated. To get rid of him, I told him I was a lesbian and I only wanted to date him if there could be another woman there, too. That didn’t just make him pursue me with more fervor. It made the whole trading floor pursue me. And I had no idea why.

Notice how there’s one theme here: I have no idea how other people think about sex.

5. Do not get obsessively sidetracked by things that do not require social interaction.
So then I get married. The first time. We both have Asperger’s. We both like reading about sex, but having it is more traumatic. He would not go down on me, so I started writing obsessively about his not going down on me. Like the time he told me he couldn’t do it because he had a toothache.

We had sex, but he didn’t like that it was messy, and I liked writing about it better than doing it.

We had sex two times in six years after we had a kid. And I got pregnant both times because I have studied my ovulation since I was 24, and I’m an ace at sticking my finger up my vagina and 1) gauging how open my cervix is and 2) pulling out some mucus on my finger and checking to see how elastic it is.

Even now I can’t help getting excited about ovulation. Go to the bathroom right now and check your cervical mucus. It’s fascinating. If it’s elastic you are ovulating. I can peg my ovulation to the hour if I check every half-hour, which I can do because I can stick my hand in my vagina anywhere—even in a job interview, if the person leaves the room to get some water. So that’s why I was able to have a kid (and a miscarriage) only having sex two times.

6. Rules never stop coming at you, they just get infinitely more nuanced.
And now, here I am with the farmer.

At this point, sex should be low pressure for me. I am one of the one percent of women who can have an orgasm just by thinking about having an orgasm. I’m not sure why this is. Maybe because my mom taught me to do Kegel exercises before I even got my first period. I can orgasm ten times before the guy has one.

But the nonverbal cues you do to get to the sex really stress me out. It seems like a dance. When you date, there’s the official dance date you do, which I can handle. I’ve been dating enough to know you do dinner, talk, go to someone’s house, move close, kiss, lay down, get close to sex, go to bed. That’s the dance. I know where we are and what’s coming next.

But if you’re married, there’s no dance. You are just there, in bed. So the dance becomes a micro dance. There are little cues you give the other person, a careful touch in a spot you don’t usually touch, a kiss that is a kiss that means this-is-not-a-goodnight-kiss, a pointed question like, did the kids fall asleep? These are tiny cues that have to come with other, tiny cues.

I tell the farmer, “I can’t take it. The subtle stuff. It’s too much. Just tell me you want to have sex.”

So a day went by, and he did that. He said, “I want to have sex.”

I said, “Okay.”

Then I said, “Hold it. This isn’t fun. There needs to be something else.”

So we went back to the dance. And I tried to pay close attention to nonverbal cues and then respond with the appropriate nonverbal cue.

Sometimes I can do that. Like if I take a Xanax. But a lot of times, he gives one nonverbal cue, like breathing warm and wet next to my ear. And I curl up in a ball.

I curl up in a ball and tell him I’m too anxious to have sex. Even after we have had sex hundreds of times. I still do it. At first he couldn’t believe it. But then he saw that I don’t know left and right, really, and my math skills end, largely, at third grade, and I am an idiot savant when it comes to memorizing statistics about Gen Y tendencies at work. So now he’s learned to believe anything. And he has learned that the only way to get me uncurled is to talk to me.

He does facts. He says what he’s doing with his hands, what he is feeling, what we will do, what I have done, he tries to stick to facts. And he narrates his movements as he goes. And he does not expect me to move or speak, until I’ve heard enough verbal cues to get back in the game.

Sometimes, when the farmer was dumping me, and people were saying, how can you stick with him? I would say, “He’s so good in bed.” And now you know what I mean.

260 replies
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  1. Someone with Aspergers
    Someone with Aspergers says:

    I have Aspergers and have had absolutely zero issues in bed. In fact, I think Asperger’s is an asset when used properly. I’m married to someone normal, BTW.

  2. Chuck
    Chuck says:

    Penelope, I just found your site on an Instapundit link.

    I have raised two autistic children. I have never been able to know exactly what it is like to process sensory input as an autistic or AS person.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will read your other posts hoping that this will help me better understand my children.

    Thank you again

  3. D
    D says:

    I like that you only say what needs to be said, even though that doesn’t work for everyone. I came in via an Instapundit link too. Is there anything your parent(s) could have said to help, or does this only work if you learn it on your own?

    • Penelope Trunk
      Penelope Trunk says:

      Today (as opposed to when I was a kid) schools are good at proividing services to kids with sensory integration dysfunction. The better a kid can be at dealing with different types of input, the better the kid will be at coping with normal adult situations.

      This is true for pragmatic language as well (pragmatics is the fancy term for nonverbal cues). Kids get coached in pragmatic language in school, usually as part of an IEP and this is the same exact skill the kids will need as adults — not just in bed, but everywhere.

      Penelope

  4. justamouse
    justamouse says:

    You make me wince, crack me up and make me say aww, all in one post.

    The farmer? He gets you. He is gold. Hang on to him.

    Brilliant, brilliant post. I wish I could’ve written it it was so good– but only you can.

  5. Dave-o
    Dave-o says:

    I don’t think you have a disease. I just think you’re a cold hearted bitch. Why get married in the first place? You’re as much of an a-hole as the men are idiots for marrying you in the first place. Have fun with your cold loveless life.

    • ???
      ??? says:

      Wow. Woman opens up about her sex life, and your response is blatant misogyny? I don’t know where your logic stands on this, but it kind of looks like “women should shut up and blow me.” The hell you come from?

      Oh, wait, you came from Instapundit. That explains everything. Retards like you are the reason masculinity as a whole sucks.

      • James
        James says:

        “???,”

        I didn’t care for dave-o’s comment either, (Not at all, actually. Shame on you dave-o.) but I’m amused you ended a post, ostensibly about being kinder and more tolerant, by broadly disparaging both men and instapundit readers as “retards.”

        I’ve been known to use the r-word myself, and I’m sure I will again, (so I don’t want to sound like a scold) but I hope the irony isn’t lost on you.

        Oh, and we with Asperger’s are autistic, but have been spared the associated mental retardation. “There but for the grace of god,” and all that…

  6. An Aspie, Sagittarius too, same age
    An Aspie, Sagittarius too, same age says:

    I would like to try aspie + aspie sex with you sometime before we are dead, if the farmer does not mind. Or after you dump him.

  7. AlexD
    AlexD says:

    Thanks for writing. After a half-dozen-plus years of treatment, more than 15 years ago, for what I like to think of as a psychologist’s over-active imagination in the face of my Aspie-ness, it feels like nothing else to see your words in black & white with regards to such a delicate topic- particularly when it seems so amazingly impossible for our normal friends to put into words, despite their apparent success, what they think and feel on this subject.

    Also, I respectfully disagree with the sentiment of some posters, here and elsewhere, that Aspies and non-Aspies face near-identical challenges with regards to learning life’s rules. But, if you’ve never experienced the odd and sometimes frightening (and sometimes funny) metal dissonance that comes with trying to “Explain red to a blind person,” (Excuse my figure of speech, please.) you may or may not be fully capable of appreciating how difficult and unique a position like Asperger’s can put one into with regards to relations among peers.

    Good luck,

  8. SnarkMaiden
    SnarkMaiden says:

    There’s the physical part of sex but for many people a lot of sex is in the head; how you think about it, how you feel, the notions that get you aroused (rather than the physical sensations that get you aroused). The ‘games’ tend to either be about getting one’s own mind into the arousal space or communicating that you’re on the edge of that space but haven’t got all the way there but it’s a possibility – or about setting up a power dynamic that can either be part of the way your mental arousal works or about other things entirely. I think many of us who spot the cues on some level respond to them without ever knowing what’s actually behind them.

    on the mucus thing, it might interest you to know why it goes elastic? it’s because the hormones trigger the mucus to switch from being horizontally organised as a plug that keeps out infection to being vertically organised to form ‘channels’ for the sperm to travel through. I always thought that was nifty ;-)

      • Aspie2
        Aspie2 says:

        Penelope,
        In regard to this:
        “I am one of the one percent of women who can have an orgasm just by thinking about having an orgasm. I’m not sure why this is. “;
        I recently learned that some women actually have a prostate. It used to be called Skene’s glands, but it makes PSA & enlarges in midlife (apparantly normal to a degree for all prostates). I too can have orgasms without being physically touched, especially when a certain man is thinking about sex with me.
        The cool thing about it is that your brain gets a special dose of dopamine when it goes off. It puts your lights out. You get tighter, not looser (as the myth goes), thanks to having one. It makes you smarter & protects against dementia. You won’t have to worry about the oft mentioned ‘vaginal dryness’ happening to you either.
        Read more here if u like:
        http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/1rscg6/til_females_have_a_prostate_it_used_to_be_called/
        Pics to check yourself:
        images of Skene’s glands

  9. Racer X
    Racer X says:

    Fascinating post. I have been with girls like this before, but was unsure what was going on. Thanks for the information!!! Wow.

    And if you enjoy reading or writing about sex, visit my blog. I enjoy talking about things like this, not only for fun, but for information too.

    More people need to know about this condition.

  10. Jane
    Jane says:

    Wow, thank you for this.

    I’m a newly diagnosed Aspie and hearing other people’s descriptions is like a million little eureka moment for me, and this is really a huge gleaming light-bulb going off.

    Number 6. was of particular interest, I get anxious so I just can’t have sex sometimes, I have mini-meltdowns where I shut down and curl-up. Sometimes I just want to have sex, I don’t like the foreplay part as it just doesn’t work, but without foreplay sex doesn’t work, so I get stuck in a rut. There’s just far too much thought, too many things that have to be exact, too much anxiety about how to perform and what to do…so to have sex planets have to align, pigs have to fly, etc…

    I had always assumed all this was due to abuse, some of it may well be, but that never did quite explain it, the possibility of it being an Aspie-thing is a relief.

  11. MissMetroDC
    MissMetroDC says:

    This was a great post.

    “Rules never stop coming at you, they just get infinitely more nuanced.” Being raised Catholic definitely made sex and my version of the rules more complicated.

    • Bashful Dodger
      Bashful Dodger says:

      I am only 15, female, and have been raised Catholic all my life too. I was also one of the thousands (millions?) of unlucky “souls” to have been victimized by the perverted actions of “men of faith” in the Church. I am also extremely shy and have no friends. But I’m NOT at all an “asspie” or a “geek.” It’s just highly unlikely that I’ll ever be able to find a satisfying or compassionate relationship or even friendship with anyone because I am far too damaged to trust anyone ever again.

      And anyone like a couple of guys here who say sex abuse is overblown by the media or an excuse for feminist propaganda is probably some idiot from Fox News who should stfu. Repugnicans like that are the ones who lack social empathy. Not people like me. If I could muster the courage (as I have all but given up on matters of “faith”), I would devote my time to helping people recover from situations like mine, or do something worthwhile to make the world a better place. I think too that sex itself is overvalued in our society as an absolutely essential component that everyone needs to have a fulfilling life. Physical pleasure for one ahead of mutual emotional satisfaction? Sounds like the old “close your eyes and think of England.”

      Although I have to say I always figured asspies either didn’t have sex or found pleasure fiddling with their “joysticks.” ^_^

  12. Racer X
    Racer X says:

    “masturbation is not visual.”

    Actually it can be quite a visual thing. I have watched many a lover masturbate and it is always very erotic.

    “I thought we needed some guy there with us to run the show.”

    Yes, you could have used someone like Racer X. I could have orchestrated an intense sex session.

    “I am one of the one percent of women who can have an orgasm just by thinking about having an orgasm”

    Damn. Where are all the women like you in the world? Do you have an international club or something? I need to meet some women like that. I like a challenge, a woman who can keep up with me.

    BTW, your blog is quite entertaining, as well as informative on business advice.

    • mylindaelliott
      mylindaelliott says:

      I agree masturbation is visual.
      It’s must be more than 1% of women who can have an orgasm by thinking about it.

    • Rasputin
      Rasputin says:

      What a fucked comment. Everyone is perfect. You need to understand something about yourself you vain individual!!!
      What is your definition of beauty??
      Are you good looking or are you a looser?

    • Rasputin
      Rasputin says:

      What a fucked comment. Everyone is perfect. You need to understand something about yourself you vain individual!!!
      What is your definition of beauty??
      Are you good looking or are you a looser?

  13. Mark
    Mark says:

    I must have missed this one. I’m reluctant to post seeing all the snarky comments; I’m really interested in the Aspies that commented, if they are real comments, that seem offended at the suggestions of what is normal for an Aspy is disfunction – I’m surprised that they don’t relate to the large community of Aspies looking to relieve that dysfunction and that they don’t know that many in the Aspy community would be incredibly relieved to know it is possible to be normal and desperate to know how the commentors accomplished it.

  14. Mark
    Mark says:

    On topic – I’m a guy, Aspie, very interested in sex and used to think I must just be super open minded because I have no aversion to the thought of sex with anyone or anything, groups, anything, not that I’ve shared that with very many people, or actually acted on any of it, but I relate very much to Penelope’s lack of sense of boundaries that other people seem to agree on.

    I have no history of sexual abuse or alchoholism or anything like that, but I also share the disconnect when in a sexual situation, no matter how “normal” the situation. I have had a serious enough amount of sex with many partners, and I’m not necessarily unable to perform, but it has always been that way since I became sexually active, no matter who the partner, except people that I get to know very very well and have lots of sex with. I cannot associate it with anything traumatic or whatever, I have no explanation, except that it is similar to how I misconnect in the other situations and areas of life. Not necessarily “there,” during sex, easily distracted, noticing lots of other things, lose interest easily, sometimes even feeling like a third party watching it all unfold, which doesn’t necessarily make it unpleasant. Just that often the experience is more akin to exercise and with difficulty and confusion like running the FBI obstacle course.

    Hard to explain, but I don’t think it is a coincidence that I have been diagnosed Asperger, based on a number of other sterotypical symptoms of varying severity. I’m not an alchoholic, I’ve never been abused, and I am very interested in hearing more from Aspies that posted here offended at the suggestion that their diagnosis likens them to Penelope – can you offer some insight on how to be well adjusted or do you just not relate to the people with more severe symptoms?

  15. Lance
    Lance says:

    I think I just read this post for the first time, or perhaps re-discovered it. Anyway, love it as always. You writing about sex is like sex itself: messy, interesting, arousing.

  16. John Rothchild
    John Rothchild says:

    I have aspbergers too. I like sex, but I lack the social skills and adequate status to attain any type of partner, so I kind of like reading about other people having it. Thanks for sharing.

  17. B
    B says:

    Reading this was one of those rare moments where I found myself thinking, “I’m so grateful that this person shared so much.”

  18. Peter
    Peter says:

    Well, you answered a question I’ve had for a few weeks, regarding something I just learned.

    I have a 10-year-old daughter with Asperger’s. I recently discovered the possibility that general questions, such as “How was your day?”, are very difficult for her to understand in the way neurotypicals understand it.

    Not only did your post confirm this, but expanded on exactly *how* complicated this question really is for an Aspie. My daughter thanks you for teaching her father something important. ;)

  19. Gary
    Gary says:

    Thank you for writing this. It’s really given me some insight into my GF who has Asperger’s. We have been together going on 7 years now, and she is still a virgin. Whenever I bring up anything sexual she just curls up in a ball. I guess I will try some of the things you did, hopefully that will help.

  20. outoutout
    outoutout says:

    OK, wow..

    I’m yet another Aspie (female) who’s stumbled upon this post. There’s a plethora of misinformation here in the comments, some of it quite offensive. Asperger’s Syndrome is not a disease, nor is it caused by sexual abuse. We do not inherently lack empathy. While all Aspies share some basic traits, we we are also individuals with different strengths and weaknesses.

    While Penelope has written a wonderfully honest, personal account here, I think it’s important to say that her experiences are her own and do not necessarily speak for all Aspies or even “the Aspie experience”. I know that my own experiences are vastly different, though I can relate to some of the sentiment. I tend to believe that, at the end of the day, the lessons are the same: Educate yourself and find someone with whom you can negotiate the type of relationship you want.

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous says:

      I agree! my son (Aspergers) is the most caring, empathetic child you could ever meet, but he doesn’t understand boundaries. It will get him in trouble one day, so it kills me to have to tell him to “tone it down” when he wants to shower someone with affection!

      I think that this tendency will serve him well in relationships with women as he wants to please and show his devotion in creative ways.

  21. Ultraviolet
    Ultraviolet says:

    The only problem that I have w/this article is that it claims to speak for all aspies, and you don’t. I have always been a very sexual person, and creatively so. In fact, I’m told that as a women, my drive is unusually strong. The only challenge was that I did not have my 1st orgasm until I was twenty. I was always so much in control of the experience, that it took me time to figure out how to focus on what my body really enjoyed to get there. Believe me, most men are thrilled when you tell them how. Vibrators can be a good start, too, to getting to know yourself.

    • hen
      hen says:

      sorry but we are not ‘your’ teachers, we have a totally different psychology to NT’s and experiences relevant to us are because of that difference. Think of it as the opposite of AS people ‘pretending to be normal’ – a common situational defence mechanism when you don’t want to stand out, I find I get it wrong and doesn’t work very well, lol. – Basically we’re another species – aliens ha ha.

  22. Paul
    Paul says:

    I am a 45yr old male with aspergers sydrome who has never had a girlfriend and sex. I feel real discust with my myself and hate myself.I suffer from depression and see no hope for the future. It is to late for me now. All there is left is grannies. Women my age seem far to old. I would like to meet a dorky girl in her late twenties early thirties but this is an impossible dream.

    • Peter
      Peter says:

      Paul,

      Good that you know your depressed. Knowing this, you should be getting help — now. Don’t wait. Your attitude is typical of someone with depression: glass half full, all is doomed, etc. Asperger’s certainly doesn’t help, because, with its quirks, it can cause you grief. But depression is a completely separate issue, likely unrelated to Asperger’s.

      I don’t consider 45 to be the realm of “grannies” — I’ve met some pretty hot, young-minded women in their 40’s. Your attitude is a bigger obstacle to your dating/sex life than anything.

      Get help — this is not me being a smart ass — I am 45 and have suffered from depression my entire life (yes, even as a child). I only learned to start dealing with it effectively a few years ago — and my social life is now way better than when I was a teenager. I know it’s hard to see past the gloom when you’re depressed. At least take that first step, and everything else will eventually fall into place.

      My friend has a great line — “You’re never too old to have a happy childhood.”

  23. Paul
    Paul says:

    Thank you for your reply. I can’t change the fact that I like younger woman and consider late twenties and early thirties right for me. I have been through the NHS and seen psychologists because of trouble with work when I was working but it has’nt helped and in one case made me even worst. I have a sexual problem and have tried talking to my doctor but he looked shocked. I am only going to get worst.On the dating sites the woman my age see so old and mature and I can’t force myself to like them.

  24. Paul
    Paul says:

    I have regular suicidal thoughts because the thought of never having a girlfriend is unbearable. It has been mentioned to doctors but all it is to them is amusing.They think I am expecting a prescription for a woman.

  25. Zac Sullivan
    Zac Sullivan says:

    Wow, I think I’d never read something so honest and personal with such candor on such topics from someone so famous. I definitely see why this post is one of the most popular.

    ~ Z ~

  26. Teen Kasia
    Teen Kasia says:

    I am curious to find out what blog platform you are working with? I'm experiencing some minor security problems with my latest website and I'd like to find something more secure. Do you have any idea?

  27. T. AKA Ricky Raw
    T. AKA Ricky Raw says:

    She said, "I need you to seduce me."

    I said, "What? Are you kidding? Just take your clothes off. How are we going to have sex if we keep putting it off?"

    She said, "It's not like that. There has to be a game or something."

    I said, "Okay. You do the game. What should we do?"

    She pouted. I did not realize it was part of the game.

    I found this interesting.

    Most people require the rituals and the payoff. There needs to be a game involved, not just the act.

    Meanwhile as an Asperger’s person you didn’t care about the rituals, just the payoff. You didn’t need to have a game involved, and actually preferred not to play the game.

    So what is the condition of the people who are all rituals/games, but don’t actually want the payoff? I knew someone like this, just loved talking about sex, creating sexual tension, flirting, that push-pull, the seduction process, fantasies and masturbation, but the actual act seemed secondary to her.

    If Asperger’s types are all payoff and no ritual, I wonder what the label is for people who are all ritual but no payoff?

  28. Evan
    Evan says:

    Some great discussion going on here. But I like the post. You have a refreshing honesty about your life…making your posts somewhat addictive.

  29. Freakshow
    Freakshow says:

    I can’t tell. Either you are trying to make Asperger’s people feel bad, or you have been badly misinformed. Which, these days, any socially awkward/socially inept person has Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve read some wierd symptoms from people who ”claim” to have this. This one takes the cake. There’s the non-verbal cues, thing. Body language is very hard to read for us, yes, but when someone says ”stick it in”, you’d have to be retarded not to know what the concept is behind that.

    Blonde? Probably. Dense? Maybe. Asperger’s? Not likely.

    • Peter
      Peter says:

      You are over-generalizing. Some Aspies are far more literal than others. Some Aspies are far more social than others. My daughter has Asperger’s, but she’s the one who runs to answer the door or phone, and is a much better “greeter” than I am, and I do not have Asperger’s. ;)

      Not all Aspies have all possible Aspie symptoms, and for the symptoms they do have, these will occur in varying amounts in different people. In short, while it’s very possible for one Aspie to easily understand the figurative meaning behind “stick it in”, another may, instead, be more inclined to understand this in the strictest literal sense.

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous says:

      Delayed understanding of sexuality is very very common among people with Aspergers, especially women. 

      And, while we’re talking about diagnosing and misdiagnosing, Aspergers looks very different in men than in women. Google it. There’s a lot written on that topic. 

      Penelope

  30. paul hickman
    paul hickman says:

    i find this article intresting. i was confirmed with aspergers 3 years ago. it has been enlightening to say the least. all my rules work (most of the time) but in a relationship with a lady that sort of understands they break down. i still feel different and my desire to be alone is hard for her. as i write i am at my house and she is at hers (i,ve let her down again). i try to understand and so does she. when she tells me one thing i process another. thank you for the post. paul.

  31. Emily
    Emily says:

    I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Only have sex with someone who loves you. Only have sex with someone you love. Passion is not the same as someone being horny. Sex is shared passion. Sometimes one person gives more than the other person. Sex games means the people are bored with each other. Why does someone have to pretend to be someone else or act in a way that isn’t real? Sex is about love and giving and it shouldn’t be a big drawn out deal that takes hours. For a man, he needs sex to relax so he can get to sleep and go to work the next day refreshed. If you trust your partner, sex is easy. It’s not about getting in the mood either. If you love your partner, you have sex with him unless you have the flu. Does a person make a big deal about making dinner? People have to eat. You just do it and make a good meal so your loved one is healthy. Sex doesn’t have to be complicated. You shouldn’t have to set a special time for it but you can have special times, just like you have special meals.

  32. Fara
    Fara says:

    I find this perspective interesting. I have Aspergers syndrome, and only got diagnosed when I was 13. People who are familiar with Aspergers never even guess that I have it, because I’m actually a very social person.

    I also write in my spare time, about whatever happens to fascinate me that particular day – sometimes intimate scenes, as well.

    When it comes to my own intimacy, however, I live up to the stereotype of people with Aspergers syndrome being mechanical. Its not that I’m uninformed, or inexperienced, but I have trouble feeling the same pleasure that my partner feels. I’ve all but given up on masturbation, and it doesn’t seem fair that everyone else gets all the fun while I don’t.

  33. Shae
    Shae says:

    Aspergers people can also be really empathic also though. I’m not trying to brag but I (undiagnosed AS) have had someone climax 8 times AND I apparently gave someone the greatest orgasm they’ve ever had. it helps that i’m a Puppy. I’m all about the partner. I want to make them their absolute happiest. if I haven’t brought them to climax at least once before we start paying attention to me, I’m not satisfied. it also probably helps that though I switch (between dom & sub) and am Pansexual, I still prefer sub, so basically if they want to take charge I’d love for them to, but if they prefer me taking charge I know what they like because I like it too.

    • Shae
      Shae says:

      I’d like to add that I think another part of it is because I’m a Right Brain Aspie. the only way I’m good with numbers is when they make patterns or have symbology. I can’t do math for the life of me. I still have most of the social cue problems that most other aspies have, which is funny, because whenever I’m looking at it subjectively (when I’m at an outside perspective, such as pictures of video) I can recognise social cues, emotions, flirtation, etc. perfectly, but Socially I’m EXTREMELY Awkward and clueless. basically I need a partner whose willing to just say stuff to me straight. even if that means saying “NO, Bad Shae” to me in public when I fuck up somehow. just as long as they give me a loving pet on the head when I obey.

      • Vince Spinelli
        Vince Spinelli says:

        I’d like to add that you sound like a self-concerned, over-compensating, blow-hard who spends their time self-diagnosing theirself whilst all-the-while soliciting virtual-internet-praise for their non-symptomatic behaviors.  If anything, I would virtual-internet-diagnose you with “Major Moron Syndrome”.

        • Bobby
          Bobby says:

          I’m glad somebody said it, it seems like every person with a high opinion of themselves who is too lazy to learn social skills suddenly has ‘undiagnosed aspergers’ these days without understanding just how difficult it is for those who actually do have it. They just use it as an excuse not to learn social skills.

      • Vince Spinelli
        Vince Spinelli says:

        I’d like to add that you sound like a self-concerned, over-compensating, blow-hard who spends their time self-diagnosing theirself whilst all-the-while soliciting virtual-internet-praise for their non-symptomatic behaviors.  If anything, I would virtual-internet-diagnose you with “Major Moron Syndrome”.

      • Vince Spinelli
        Vince Spinelli says:

        I’d like to add that you sound like a self-concerned, over-compensating, blow-hard who spends their time self-diagnosing theirself whilst all-the-while soliciting virtual-internet-praise for their non-symptomatic behaviors.  If anything, I would virtual-internet-diagnose you with “Major Moron Syndrome”.

      • Vince Spinelli
        Vince Spinelli says:

        I’d like to add that you sound like a self-concerned, over-compensating, blow-hard who spends their time self-diagnosing theirself whilst all-the-while soliciting virtual-internet-praise for their non-symptomatic behaviors.  If anything, I would virtual-internet-diagnose you with “Major Moron Syndrome”.

    • Chemerbleeper
      Chemerbleeper says:

      What you laughing at the fact that the person wrote a pile of crap prose about a fictitious aspie that can’t have decent sex.  When we all know you NTs can’t keep up and end up falling asleep on the job.  That all you do is talk about sex, but really when it comes down to it you can’t deliver 

  34. HtGillis
    HtGillis says:

    Dear Penelope, that was some read, you and the farmer, and losing your virginity …… hmmmm.  thanks for the candid commentary.  lot of xxxxoooo’s in your futures

  35. Cade DeBois
    Cade DeBois says:

    I’m a woman with Asperger’s and this woman’s a fraud. I’m not even sure she’s really had sex. Rules in sex? LOL. Since when? This all sounds like fantasy derived from reading too many online articles about Asperger’s and her own dysfunctional relationships. One of the great things about having autism and being sexually active is that sex is what you make of it. With a receptive, communicative and trusted partner, sex is a very intimate, rule-free experience. It’s not that we with autism don’t want to connect with others or can’t. We just struggle with social rules. Social rules–not intimacy. Big dif. In an intimate environment were we feel safe and unstifled by those pesky social rules, we are very open and receptive individuals capable of great intimacy. I don’t know what this woman’s problem is–although she’s certainly made a bd name for herself within the autism community with her flights of fancy–but it’s not Asperger’s. Takes one to know one, you know?

  36. Chemerbleeper
    Chemerbleeper says:

    What a load of rubbish.  I have brilliant sex with my Misses and I have Aspergers.  You make out that all Aspies are stupid when it comes to sex and that we know very little about it.  Well that depends on the Aspie.  Maybe I am more fortunate than some but I have had a wild sex life although now I am happy to settle down with Annette who I adore and she adores me in all ways.  In fact she can’t leave me alone.  I am not bragging but the sex is great.  I don’t go around like NTs bragging about our sex life.  But I know that a lot of NTs would wish to have what I have.  Granted things were difficult at the beginning and I have some heart breaking stories about how I was treated when trying to find that special someone.  But that did not stop me keep trying harder and harder.  

    You see unlike some Aspies I am a fighter and will keep on fighting for what I want in life.

    • shreena
      shreena says:

      I have had one relationship where the sex felt totally comfortable and natural, and I like to think that I do keep trying – I try to go on dates and at the moment I am working on lowering my standards because I don’t know if that may be a problem.  You’re lucky to have your wife (I don’t mean that in a bad way).

  37. Chemerbleeper
    Chemerbleeper says:

    Incidently the brain is the best sexual organ of all and we all know us Aspies have a superior brain to NTs so really we win hands down ;)

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