Do you overemphasize happiness?
I think I'm over the happiness thing. I think I am thinking that the pursuit of happiness is, well, vacuous. I don't think people are happy or unhappy. Because I think knowing if we are happy would require knowing the meaning of life, or the ultimate goal, or the key to the world, or something that, which really, we are not going to find outside of blind religious fanaticism.
The first thing I have to grapple with, besides having spent the last three years of my life completely enthralled and ensconced in the happiness research from positive psychologists, is if I don't want a happy life, what sort of life do I want?
I think I want an interesting life. Not that I want to be interesting, but I want to be interested. I’m talking about what I think is interesting to me. I want to choose things that are interesting to me over things that would make me happy. For example, this post. I am not sure if I’m right on this, and I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of telling me I’m an idiot in the comments. But it’s going to be interesting.
I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices.
For one thing, people who are happy do not look for a lot of choices, according to Barry Schwartz, in his book, The Paradox of Choice. People who want to have an interesting life are always looking for more choices and better choices, and they make decisions for their life based on maximizing choices.
I think this because I've lived in NYC, where people value having a wide range of choices and opportunities over having a life that makes them feel happy. When it comes to self-reporting happiness, New Yorkers report being less happy than everyone else, and they don’t care. And I've lived in Wisconsin, where, I'm not kidding about this, almost everyone will tell you they are happy. But you can trust me on this, Wisconsin does not offer a lot of choices and opportunities.
Now I'm going to preemptively rip on everyone who thinks they are going to comment here about Wisconsin. Wisconsin does have things that are world-class: Football, beer, cheese, PETA-inflaming bioscience departments. And there is nothing wrong with being fine with what is here. I think it is a nice life, and that's why I moved to Wisconsin.
But on balance, Wisconsin is not a place you go to get the best of everything, which is what optimizers do. New Yorkers love that they can get the best of everything – they want that more than they want to be happy. And if you can't understand this you merely reveal how little you know about the world. I have no more patience for people telling me I can get great eyebrows in Wisconsin, there is great shopping in Wisconsin, etc. There simply isn't. And it's okay. People don't live in Wisconsin because of that. People live in Wisconsin because the lifestyle is easy — family is here, personal history is here, things generally are fine. Nothing is fine in NYC. It's very challenging. Every single day.
The fact that I feel compelled to have a tirade about Wisconsin in the middle of this post is interesting to me: People who value choices over happiness never argue about it. They are proud of it. People who value happiness over having a life full of interesting opportunities get indignant over being accused that they made that choice.
I wish I could tell you I am a person who picks interesting over complacency, but problem for me is that life in NYC is so interesting to me, but it’s just plain too hard for me. When I lived in NYC with two kids the year I had $200,000 coming in, I felt like I was living at the edge of poverty. Whenever I write this, people who have lived in NYC with kids are not surprised at all, and people who have not lived in NYC think I'm crazy. So please, if you have not raised kids in NYC, do not comment that you could easily do it on $200,000, okay?
What this illustrates, though is how different the world of lots of choices is. People will pay a ton of money to have a lot of choices, which is what they perceive as an interesting life. (See the average rent per square foot in NYC) but people will not pay a ton of money for a life with relatively few choices. (See the average rent per square foot in Madison). This makes me think that people put a higher premium on choices, because choices make life more interesting.
I recently spoke to Tyler Cowen, professor of economics at George Mason University. His book, Create Your Own Economy, is about how the information flow of the Internet allows us to manage our careers differently than before. For example, people who are focused on information (infovores, as Tyler calls them) but not on face-to-face social interaction can flourish in an information economy.
I suggested to Tyler that it's messed up to value information processing over social interaction because I want to believe that it's social interaction that actually makes us happy.
Tyler says that people who are infovores feel fulfilled by processing information. And he thinks that happiness is an elusive, amorphous goal. Tyler says feeling fulfilled actually gives us a feeling of happiness, and some people gain that fulfilled feeling through interaction with information rather than social interaction (makes sense from Tyler – he writes a great blog, full of fun information.)
But it scares me that this also seems true for me. I don’t want it to be true for me because I want to be as complacent as the people I live with, in Wisconsin. And I want to be a socially skilled as the non-Asperger’s people I try to pass for in regular life.
Tyler’s ideas will resonate in the Asperger community. There is a large contingency that sees Asperger Syndrome not as a deficit but as merely a difference, and these are the people who would love to hear that the idea of happiness is myopic and that fulfillment is a more real goal, and people with Asperger's can feel fulfilled through information processing.
I'm not sure I buy that. I want to buy it. Because I have Asperger's and so do many people in my family, and I want to believe there is fulfillment out there for all of us.
I agree that choosing to be happy or choosing to be interested can sometimes be different choices, though I think some people need to be interested to be happy.
I strive for balance. I am happiest when I don’t have major emotional drama in my life but I am also interested and engaged in the world around me.
I think you can have both a happy AND an interesting life, depending on what it takes to keep you interested. If you find misery inherently interesting and everything else is boring by contrast, then you probably can’t have both. If you find fulfilling relationships and meaningful work interesting then you probably can.
In the same way that happiness is something a person can only gauge for themselves, so too is the “interestingness” of your life. You don’t need external validation of whether your life is interesting, what matters is whether it’s interesting to YOU.
Your headline “do you overemphasize happiness?” makes a value judgment. You value interestingness over happiness. That’s your choice. But that doesn’t mean that someone who values happiness over interestingness is “overemphasizing” it. There’s no one right answer to that question nor, as I’ve said above, does it always have to be one or the other.
First of all, everyone keeps harping on the eyebrows and the shopping — something tells me those people live in the Midwest. Also, having lived in Illinois my whole life and then moving to DC, I can wholeheartedly agree that interesting beats complacency any day. And although the contentment of many Midwestern towns is great for some people, that is not for me and I have no desire to live there again. I’d rather live somewhere with more choices.
Piggybacking off of the above comment, I’m also sorting out the happiness-interestingness axis in New York City. I lived here for a summer with a fantastic, interesting internship, and became convinced that living an interesting life a happy life were the same thing. And in a place like New York there must be enough people and sushi restaurants to be happily interested in forever.
I now have a permanent job in the city. Stable, living (sort of) comfortably in 700 square feet. My salary covers the costs. Usually. However, it’s not an interesting job, and no amount of 5th Avenue window shopping will change that.
In short, for me it was the job that made the difference. Living in a fantastic city is, well, fantastic, but being interested means being interested in the place you spend most of your time. Sadly, for me that isn’t the Central Park skating rinks; it’s at a computer, where I work. In Nashville or in New York, I’ve found that being interested in what I DO is what makes me feel like I live an interesting life and, conveniently enough, also makes me happy.
What if you have a highly interesting job but a tyrant of a boss?
“If I don't want a happy life, what sort of life do I want?”
How about a life? In response to one of the comments above, you wrote that people with Asperger’s syndrome are less likely to, “a. identify the feeling of being happy
and b. expressing that feeling.” Your answer is right there. Happiness is a feeling, not a permanent state of being. Feelings are fleeting.
I think you can have a natural tendency to be optimistic versus pessimistic but saying you are always going to be happy is like saying it will never rain. How can you can control that? And controlling that will make you very unhappy. You know what will help you get this idea in your head? Not therapy, not happiness research and not blogs. A 12-step program. Al-Anon in particular. Since alcoholism is so rampant, all of us are either the child or grandchild or friend of an alcoholic and we’re all emotionally dysfunctional because of it. One Al-Anon meeting helps me to remind myself that I only have this day and I can’t control the future.
Finally, speaking of George Clooney and movies, I think you should try to get someone to watch Up in the Air with you. I thought of you when I watched that movie. It’s like your blog come to life.
As a psychiatrist and fellow human I love existential issues such as happiness. I wanted to mention that I believe too often people make the mistake of believing it’s something to arrive at, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if you just get all your ducks in a row. Really, though, I strongly believe it’s somewhat related to circumstances, but mostly I believe that happiness is a way of being and not a destination. You choose to be happy or not. It’s not easy, and I struggle with it, too, but I’ve even seen prisoners who’ve found ways to be happy and at peace despite their circumstances.
In a world where tens of thousands of people can die in an instant, who has the time to overanalyze something ephermal as happiness? Especially when so much of life is luck and timing (much more than people are willing to admit).
Be the best person you can be, pursue your interests, and try and help improve as many lives as you can before your brief time on the planet is over. And if you live a good life, at the end thank your lucky stars the life dice didn’t roll badly for you and make you land in another place or another time where the good or well-lived life would have been impossible.
Amen, and amen
Penelope, I’m from Brazil, living in NYC, and I just
wanted to comment on something you said here in the comments that made me think:
“Customs are different in different cities. In NYC I ate out nearly every meal. That’s what you do in NYC.”
Well, I’ve moved around a lot, and never changed my habits because of it. I wonder if it has anything to do with being happy? (I was miserable during my adolescence, but I’d say I’ve been extremely happy since then). I currently live in Long Island City, one stop from Grand Central in NYC, which is my stop for work on 5th Ave. I go home to eat most days. Usually I cook rice and beans in advance, and freeze them, and then cook some side dishes to have with it for lunch when I come home during the lunch break. This is the same thing I did in Brazil, North Carolina, and other places I lived. See, I never change my habits or preferences to adapt to where I live. Who cares what other New Yorkers do? I do my own thing.
In the end, I think happiness is about keeping true to yourself, figuring out what fulfills you on a day-to-day basis, and finding things that are interesting to you. I have been married for 17 years, and my husband and I have a lot in common and support each other’s search for fulfillment — I think this is the root cause of my being so happy all the time.
Maybe this story will give you some ideas to try out to make your life more interesting and happy. Brazilians are notably happy (even the poorest ones), and perhaps you can learn something from us ;-).
I agree. I think happiness is antithetical to evolution.
Obsessing about happiness, like obsessing about anything, is going to make you crazy, and not happy. However, I find this post odd after you just wrote a great post on happiness days earlier. Actually I went out and bought the book you recommended and find it quite good. Maybe take a break from obsessing about it, and happiness will come back to you.
Love the blog but can you cut down on the number of links in your posts? It’s almost as bad as Kontera….
Mike
Maybe I am a cynic, but I don’t understand what makes people think they are entitled to a happy life. We’re born, we live, we die. That’s it. What does a happy life even mean? I would guess that you have no clue, and I’ll tell you for sure you won’t figure it out by looking at what makes other people appear to be happy or by studying research about happiness. So if you don’t know what happiness really is, how are you ever supposed to obtain it?
When I read this post, my understanding is that you wish you could be in New York and live the fast paced life and have the fast paced career and gain wealth or knowledge or respect or experience or colleagues or perhaps all of the above. But since you have kids, you don’t feel you can have that life and provide for them at the same time, so you sacrificed that and moved to the sticks, and it bothers you to the point where you feel you are not happy. That’s reasonable and I’m sure it happens to a lot of people.
My recommendation to you is cliche, but you need to evaluate what you want out of your life. Assuming that you have 30 to 40 years left (which really isn’t a lot of time if you think about it), think hard about what you’d like to accomplish in that time, and write out a list of all of the important things you’d like to get done before you die. Forget about happiness because it’s an elusive, poorly defined notion, and just focus on living your life to accomplish those concrete things that you wrote out. I don’t know you personally, but my feeling is that you are the kind of person who would probably find “happiness” in spending your life striving for and achieving these milestones.
“We’re born, we live, we die. That’s it. What does a happy life even mean?”
For you it seems to mean completing items on a checklist. Don’t listen to him, Penelope! You don’t have to sit down and make a list of everything you want to do during the next 30-40 years and then feel obligated to do them all. You have 30-40 years to just … live, and do whatever the hell you feel like doing at the time.
Yes we’re born, and we live. And it’s such an amazing stroke of luck! That your parents existed, and met, and on that particular day, out of those millions of sperm, the one that turned into half of you met that one out of hundreds of eggs that just happened to be released that month and became the other half of you. It might never have happened, yet it did. So who cares if we die someday? This is more than made up for by the giant stroke of brilliant luck that we even get to exist at all. Dying seems like a small price to pay for the privilege of existing. What’s your alternative? Never existing in the first place? You drew the winning ticket, so while you’re here, why not just enjoy it?
My point here was that I don’t think Penelope is the type of person who can just revel in the joy of existence. I believe, perhaps incorrectly, that she is too driven for her own good. You are probably too much of a romantic to believe it, but some people do actually find happiness this seemingly methodical way of living life. Everybody is different.
There’s a new reality show coming out – somethin’ about living out the things you want to do before you die. 6 Gen-Yers it looks like on a bus traveling around the country livin’ out a bucket list for themselves and others. We’ll see what happens. I think this exercise is wasted on the young – better to have put some Boomers on the bus to point the way…
;)
Aren’t contentment and ambition opposite? Reading happiness literature and the above comments, contented people self-define themselves as happier than ambitious people, ambition by definition entails a level of unhappiness with the current situation.
That said, I’ve lived a number of places and in all of them, if the sun shines I am happy and energetic and ambitious, when clouds hide the sun I am depressed and lethargic.
“I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices.”
Hi Penelope,
I like reading your blog. You know, why? Because I find your posts “interesting” – thought provoking – and when I read something interesting, I feel good.
When I feel good, there must be something beyond, I mean, feeling good ‘for what?’ What’s that making me feel good? I feel “happy” reading your blog!
So choosing a life that’s interesting to us, is, actually, the life that makes us happy.
My goal has never been to be happy, it’s always just been to be content. I don’t need the extreme of being happy, because that’s just too extreme for me and too unattainable. I just want to be content. I don’t need granite countertops in my kitchen and bathroom. I just want the toilet to not tilt and enough counter space in the kitchen and no roaches. Formica is fine for me.
Sure, if all that was around was Target, then Target would be enough. But if you have Target and Ikea AND Kmart AND the internet, you will always be searching for the best option.
doing and not thinking- being in the flow or the zone- i think that this is something we can all strive to do for at least a few minutes per day. maybe a whole career won’t be ‘in the zone’ each minute. but exercise and hobbies- 20 minutes a day- or 3 days a week– maybe that’s what fulfillment is. hobbies and the stuff that makes you feel like you’re making progress and feeling interested in something. just DOING these things that feel good and aren’t the whole meaning of life. i agree with your post completely. people looking for happiness are going at the whole problem from the wrong angle! it seems like you worry about Asperger’s complicating it- but i feel like most americans have that lack of connection and emotion- or the disconnect- and since you work so fucking hard every day to conquer all of these issues– if anyone can reach their goals and attain their goals: it’s you! have you read the book “flow” by that russian guy? love, truen
Perhaps I shouldn’t write for my husband, but I have an observation. He is an Aspie, I am not. He does not seem to need social interactions in the way that I do, however he does need me. By that I mean, I am his social interaction. Our three children provide that as well. Beyond that, he seems content. He also loves information, especially about the things that interest him. So for his happiness, the social interactions are very specific.
To me, happiness is gratitude, forgiveness, helping other people, learning, and staying busy. I’m not very good at those things, but I feel better when I make improvements. My husband says the things I’ve learned help him too, so maybe there is something to it.
So much I could say, but I want to focus on your happiness theme as it relates to Wisconsin.
I’m 45, I’ve lived here my entire life (except the 4 years I attended school out East). I am also fortunate enough to travel extensively. You are correct, there is no “best” here except as a place to live and raise children. I have eaten in the best restaurants, they aren’t here. I have done some incredible shopping, it was not here.
Don’t get me wrong I LOVE living in Wisconsin for one very simple reason it is here that I learned the secret to living a real authentic and sustainable life.
Perhaps that approach to life has not made me happy but it has cleared my head and opened my mind to options and opportunities I never thought existed for me.
That’s my 2 cents for what it’s worth ;)
Jim
So PT, have you been officially diagnosed by a doctor that you have Asperger’s or are you still going on your own self diagnosis? Is one of the traits of Asperger’s using that as an excuse for everything?
It’s not an excuse. Asperger’s is an explanation of why some people view and handle the world differently from so-called normal people.
“I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices.”
I have to be really into what I do and really love who I love. By the way – I come from Cheeseland-born and bred and never lived anywhere else. [that could change for money or opportunity. I _have_ seen the great big world out there!] We’re not all the same.
An aside-A lot of New Yorkers never give up on being New Yorkers. That would be OK-if you decided you love New York and gotta get to that place permanently or a lot. Some things are not understood. They just _are_.
“Tyler says that people who are infovores feel fulfilled by processing information. …But it scares me that this also seems true for me. …I want to be as complacent as the people I live with, in Wisconsin. And I want to be as socially skilled …”
I love to process information, as well. You and I are roughly the same age. I have decided to run with who I am. I can modulate who I am but I can not fight it.
Social skills? Look at how wonderfully you are socializing here. The net is no longer the virtual world. This is as much the world as the trees outside my window. If you are good here and get $ for your biz – great. Outside of that, figure out how to love and express love for your circle-the people who _get_ you as you are and who love you right back.
My ideas and views of happiness have changed since I’ve become a baby boomer. I’ve lived in New England all my life. My husband went to college in Milwaukee, and I’ve only been to Wisconsin once. The lifestyle is certainly a slower pace out in the midwest. I wouldn’t mind living there, but I would miss the smell of salt water.
When you talk about the difficulty of raising 2 kids on $200,000 annual salary in New York, I assume that you mean raising them in Manhattan. I wouldn’t argue with you about that.
However, I will argue with you if you are talking about the other buroughs of NYC as my school teacher friends raise their 2 kids quite comfortably on their considerably smaller salaries in Queens.
Most Manhattanites consider NYC=Manhattan but that’s not clear to those not on the island.
Absolutely. If I moved to New York it wouldn’t be to Manhattan, it would be to some of the cool areas in inner Brooklyn. In no way would this be a compromise, it’s simply because I like the cool areas of Brooklyn (Brooklyn’s a big place) better than Manhattan in almost every way. They’re more exciting, more fun, more interesting AND they have better amenities. Plus you can WALK to Manhattan if you want.
Maybe the mythical beast called “happiness” that I’ve been chasing & daydreaming about for years is more fleeting than a constant state. Even in the space of a few hours, things can be good, then bad, and then good again. So, when things end up on a more positive than negative note, maybe *that’s* happiness ?
Maybe happiness is best perceived through the filter of the 12-step philosophy:
“Take one day at a time …. Some days are better than others.”
Example: On Friday, I got to work, put my carkeys in my coat pocket , got out & and closed the car door. Only to realize that said keys had fallen out of my pocket & in between the carseats. Reaction: (@&$*@&$_@&$!!
The guy who came to help break into my car got the car door opened without breaking anything — and he was very nice /patient & pleasant. Reaction: Yay!
So, a crappy morning that started out to majorly suck turned out to make me happy when all ended up well. (I noticed later that same morning that i’d forgotten to put on mascara, so I looked tired/more haggard than usual. But that’s a whole other story ….)
First, I felt the need to state: you are not an idiot.
Second, as someone who was saddled with less than optimal genetics when it comes to mood, I am rarely “happy,” if you define happiness as that blissful sensation that makes people smile and laugh and dance. I don’t do those things. Well I do laugh. Sometimes I smile. Most of the time, I’m faking it. That said, I love my life and have no regrets, other than the fact that I overdo it (because I love my life) so I am frequently exhausted. I think happiness is the wrong goal. The regret free life and the authentic and meaningful life? Those things interest me.
I was sad to see this title, because this blog is one of the first places I ever read about happiness research, and it’s my go-to blog whenever I feel like I need some new happiness lead. I’ve made big changes in my life based on some of these ideas, and I honestly feel like I’m getting closer to being happy, or at least understanding why I was so unhappy. So, thanks.
But the post did not disappoint me in my search for insightful interpretations on happiness research. Yet again, you have crystallized my personal overwhelming dilemma of the year into a clear, comprehensible one. The dichotomy between an interesting life and a satisfying one (I use those words as shorthand) is so obvious when I see it written here.
In reading this blog and various happiness research, I have learned one thing: Jobs don’t make you happy. New York bagels and LA haircuts won’t make you happy. People make you happy. A long-term relationship can make you happy.
Aren’t you back together with the farmer? Could it be that you are happy?
I have lived in New York, San Francisco, Paris, Rome… I am about to move to a small, boring town where most of my family live. My hope is that if I spend less time being miserable and lonely, I will have more energy to search out the available interesting things. (It has been pointless living in interesting places but being lonely.)
Perhaps this now will become my go-to blog on making small-town life interesting.
Thanks. This blog has made me a happier person.
“Happiness” is a bit like “enlightenment” in eastern spirituality. And as long as you are seeking it, you’re openly admitting that you don’t HAVE it. Regardless of what “scientists” might theorize, happiness is not a “thing,” and thus it becomes almost impossible to quantify it. You can’t HAVE it, you can’t HOLD it in your hand, you can’t even hold it in your heart except as a fleeting feeling. I think we also run into trouble because we get trapped in a pattern of trying to use standardized external metrics to measure what is– in essence– an individual and internal state.
There is no absolute list of things we can point to and say “If we have these 43 things, we’re happy.” Maybe chocolate ice cream makes me happy, but if you hate chocolate, that makes me clueless, right? More scientifically, odds are that happiness is neurochemistry related and what draws/engages/fulfills you will be based on your individual levels of dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. Helen Fisher’s work on the chemistry of love strikes me as a fairly relevant parallel, here.
As for the whole interesting vs. happy– why does it matter to have a “label” to define where you are? Isn’t, perhaps, a better question to ask: “Do I feel ENGAGED in this moment?” If you are truly into WHATEVER you’re doing, odds are you’ll discover that you’re also “happy” or “interested” at that time… regardless of whether you’re inventing a cure for AIDS or frosting a cake.
FWIW, I never lived in NYC. However, I lived in London (metro population 12-14 million, depending on who you ask) and never felt more disconnected and alone. Now I live in a small seaside town (population 10,000) and feel extremely connected and part of the community. Odds are you’d hate it here. I’m not being glib– just pointing out that we are different people… and I doubt ANY amount of feedback you might get from your (otherwise excellent!) blog can define for YOU what “happy” or “interested” looks like.
I’ve spent the past couple of years fascinated by your fascination with happiness research… in part, because I think there is an absurdity to the entire idea that I can’t get past. I think happiness is like food: even though human beings are physically constructed in essentially the same way, that doesn’t mean that my experience when I eat salmon (which I detest) is the same as my husband’s when he eats it (it’s his favorite).
I consider physical space and heavy doses of time alone vital to my sanity. Does that mean they make me happy? I’m not sure I could say that. But lacking them certainly makes me (not to mention everyone else) UNhappy.
I think there are highs and there are lows, and the only thing that matters is that individuals spend enough time and effort figuring themselves out — what matters, what they want, what holds meaning to them, what it takes to have the relationships they want and what factors they need to eliminate from their lives — that they can carve out a path.
And maybe that path makes them happy, or maybe it just makes them content. But the problem I have with happiness research is that who defines what? Because I know plenty of people — starting with me — who would define “content” as “happy.” And I know just as many people who wouldn’t.
“Knowledge is indivisible. When people grow wise in one direction, they are sure to make it easier for themselves to grow wise in other directions as well. On the other hand, when they split up knowledge, concentrate on their own field, and scorn and ignore other fields, they grow less wise – even in their own field.”
Isaac Asimov
Thank you for publicly stating it is OK to want the easier life, the “I don’t have access to the best of everything but that is my choice and I love it” life. It gets old feeling clueless for choosing a simpler, quieter life – as if I would never have chosen it if I had any idea there was “more” out there…
This is an interesting point, and one that all major advertisers consider.
The largest advertising houses in the world say that unless an advertisement makes the potential client a promise about something he or she wants OR is interested in, the ad won’t sell anything.
The word “happiness” is an umbrella term. I believe most of the time happiness does contain “interested” in advertising.
For example, when an ad appeals to sex (interested). When an ad appeals to wealth (interested). When an ad appeals to adventure (interested).
The word “interested” can mean involved, captivated, engaged and many other conditions and considerations.
They all, in my view, can be related to the term “happy” in popular culture, and as such the word “happy” works for me.
Thanks for the article. Beth
ToysPeriod is a leading online shop specializing in lego sets and model railroad equipment.
Again, you’re using your Aspergers as a crutch to justify yet another questionable idea. NYC is a magnet for people who do take risks and do have choices about how to lead thei lives. The happiness index is bs but place does have a significant role. Since you lived in NYC and couldn’t hack it says more about you (as usual) rather than making your content about something your readers can use in their lives. To be truly happy or content with the status quo of our society, you have to be complacent, not questing any rules and be ordinary in the IQ department. I for one question everything on a global scale, look for challenging opportunities and interests. My IQ is also on the high side. If it wasn’t, I’d probably would be happy living in small town west bumf–k. I can’t say I’m happy but I’ll trade that over mind-numbing boredom anytime. Unfortunately, most votes are cast in smaller cities and towns in the Midwest and the rest of us have to pay for the LCD that is indicative of your outlook. The dumbing of America is alive and well.
One of my uncles told me regarding my rather non-caring behavior that it’s people who matter the most. They help you during times you need them, they are there when you need happiness, whether in weddings or taking you to graveyard, you need people. So social interaction itself is considered an important aspect of being normal (happy). But I must admit I don’t care – I am “flourihsing” in the “information economy” with my business running well with a laptop and a rented server. I have to meet people though but it;s not something I look forward to – regarding Aspergers being a way of life rather than a disease , I pretty much agree with this. Think of priests and nuns- they have an isolated life(not considering the spiritual and materialistic issues) but they are happy and live well though live differently.
Hi Penelope,
I’m a regular reader of your blog and feel you catch the dilemmas of everyday life (esp for women) so well. I can completly relate to this debate of happiness vs fulfillment. As a mother of toddler and a holding full time job at a bank, I had a crazy life last few yrs in India managing everything and feeling guilty in every area for not being able to give 100% time. Life was very interesting and fulfilling but happy..not sure. I moved abroad in 2009 on spouse transfer in middle of recession having given up my job. Now I have all the time to spend with my child, pursue my interests like painting, give time to my marriage(which went thru very rough patch..career vs marriage..latter takes backseat naturally without one realizing it..fully agree) but with an unwanted career break and unclear path ahead, life away from family & friends.Well life is good but happy…not sure. It’s about choices one makes and hunger to keep getting ahead and doing newer fulfilling things like different work/function/workplace, bringing up kids, new city, new friends, hobbies, money and best it can buy And dealing with difficulty to do everything at the same time, stop for a while and start all over again..
Happiness is something you can cherish and treasure for the time being. Fulfillment for me is cherishing and treasuring that happiness for a lifetime. You will have that feeling forever as long as you live. You are a great blogger Penelope. One of the best blogger i’ve encountered. Thanks for the great insight. :)
I would say it depends on how much happiness you adept in your live. Some people arent happy very often and for those its pretty important to have that some day. Or people who do have happiness almost every day – they probably cant live without it anymore. So to me it just depends on how happy a person actually is right now.
I feel one of the best ways to allow happiness into your life is to be appreciative and grateful for the things that you already have. It could be something as simple as having enough food to eat every day or having a warm bed at night. If you use that as a starting point and build upon it, it can be quite easy to pull yourself into a state of genuine happiness.
I think overall it has to do with quality of life…not necessarily how interesting it is. I grew up in Boston, and from my own experience and personal preference, it’s interesting but there are too many challenges that are simply unfair. I don’t believe that dealing with the challenges somehow indicate that you’re stronger or tougher. And to try to force yourself into an uncomfortable living environment just to look “hip” sounds awfully pretentious to me. Instead now I live in the suburbs surrounding Boston so that I’m not cut off from civilization but at the same time I don’t have to deal with all of the hassles of living in the city.
I think overall it has to do with quality of life…not necessarily how interesting it is. I grew up in Boston, and from my own experience and personal preference, it’s interesting but there are too many challenges that are simply unfair. I don’t believe that dealing with the challenges somehow indicate that you’re stronger or tougher. And to try to force yourself into an uncomfortable living environment just to look “hip” sounds awfully pretentious to me. Instead now I live in the suburbs surrounding Boston so that I’m not cut off from civilization but at the same time I don’t have to deal with all of the hassles of living in the city…
I think overall it has to do with quality of life…not necessarily how interesting it is. I grew up in Boston, and from my own experience and personal preference, it’s interesting but there are too many challenges that are simply unfair. I don’t believe that dealing with the challenges somehow indicate that you’re stronger or tougher. And to try to force yourself into an uncomfortable living environment just to look “hip” sounds awfully pretentious to me. Instead now I live in the suburbs surrounding Boston so that I’m not cut off from civilization but at the same time I don’t have to deal with all of the hassles of living in the city….
and by the way I think you’re blog is broken, it won’t let me post comments.
hmmm… I think to overemphasize happiness has two sides as far as I can see.
To overemphasize your happieness can mean that the human can’t show how happy the person is in real or he/she want nor show that. Maybe she/he wants to hide the feelings.
In which range do you think about the overemphasize?
work? Family? Friends?
But you can also overemphasize your happiness if you won’t to show your sadly situation or your sad face?!
Happiness is a real complex theme.
I think and I ask Is it possible that you can really really be happy in your life? Just for one day?
By myself I could’nt find an right answer.
Maybe the joy is also bogus?
What we have not realized, as consumers, is that this happiness movement is all part of multi-million dollar Happiness Industry. 10 years ago, we had a prozac era — now it is the happiness era — an intangible, vague concept of happiness that we should all be striving to achieve. The problem is that it involves more than taking a daily pill – at times, it involves taking stock of all that you have (work, relationships, house, friends) and re-assess if you are happy with it all, if you should reinvent yourself, transform your job, change your ways…Who is the Happiness Industry benefiting, I ask. For more on this, check out my post on http://www.AngelicaPerez.com.
“I consistently meet ambitious people that go out of their way to take lots of risks that make their lives harder, but ultimately better or more interesting. It’s a struggle, but it’s a sense of purpose.”
This comment made my day. Penelope, I used to read Happiness Project as well, but I found that I only read it when I was already happy, not when I needed happiness. And yes, I’m one of those annoying people who take insane risks and are miserable as a result of trying to live a more interesting life. Thanks for your post, it put things in perspective for me.
I think Americans in general overemphasize happiness. Pardon me for saying this, but the pursuit of happiness can be a madness in itself. I think happiness comes with a price, and may not always be a good thing. But then like many people I may be confusing happiness with pleasure. Most of time I feel fine feeling “neutral”.
You raised a good point that there’s a difference between fulfillment and happiness. I like that you said “Not that I want to be interesting, but I want to be interested.” I suppose this is the type of approach to life I want for myself as well.
I would prefer to be contented than the “extreme” of happy because I think the latter is unsustainable.
Simon
bestbusinessangels.com/
I don’t think it has to be one or the other, happy or interested in something. I think doing things that interest you in life contribute to happiness. I couldn’t imagine having to do something I hated doing for the rest of my life. Just doing it for eight hours on any given day drives me nuts. I do think though that nobody really knows what being happy is anymore. We’re told so much that being happy is having it all that we can’t really see the things we already have and allow ourselves to be content with the life we are living.
If you’re interested, you’re interesting.
Happiness is a choice, plain and simple. Looking for external stimuli to determine happiness is a trap.
I’m trying a happiness experiment on my blog, but I admit I am skeptical one can do anything about it.
Nice article, thanks for the information.