Thanksgiving drama on steroids: Adding a family business to the mix

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I think its safe to say that for the majority of people, Thanksgiving is not about goodness and gratitude, but rather, family drama.

Until now, I have been pretty much on the outside of this American tradition: The tradition of building up Thanksgiving to be a great family moment and then the family not living up to it. But everyone still does Thanksgiving basically because they love their parents. I'm not gonna say here that I don't love my parents. But it's a special kind of love that does not involve being with them for holidays.

But this year is a big switch for me, because I'm doing Thanksgiving family drama—with the farmer. There is family drama because the farmer has three sisters who think I have a morality problem. Like I don't have morals.

In fact, the whole family thinks this, and those with Internet connections print out blog posts about sex acts and send them, via US mail, to less connected family members. The outcry crosses state boundaries from Wisconsin to Illinois, and sometimes, I think they are googling terms like Penelope Trunk and sex. I mean, it's not easy to find the stuff they are finding.

Wait. You are wondering, right? What they're finding? Here. Here's a list of some links. And, now no one has to do any morally-compromising searches. It's all right here:

The often-sought, ill-advised, business-trip tryst

When women get power at work, do they use it like men?

Six Sex Scenes (my 1994 master’s thesis, graduate program for english, Boston Univ.)

Honestly, I like the sisters. Their ideas about how to live life seem fine. I think I'm living the same morally responsible lives they are, even though they'll never think that. Also, the farmer's parents are always very kind to me and my sons. So, it seems like Thanksgiving should be okay.

But Thanksgiving in a family where there's a family business is different.

I've always meant to write a post about the farmer's business acumen. He reminds me of the most resilient, innovative startup guys I know. The only difference is that he's not doing Web 2.0—he's doing cows. There are pieces of the family business I'm dying to tell you about. Like, the sweetness of the farmer and his parents working side by side for twenty years to pay off the farm, and the cleverness of the farmer figuring out how to be part of the local food movement without organic certification.

When I first met the farmer and his parents I saw rolling fields, warm milk and grass-finished meat. Now I see them just like the other family businesses: Family conflict.

Cut to the farmer's kitchen. I am cooking the farmer's beef and the farmer's squash, and if you think this is insignificant, consider that when the farmer told his parents that we're getting married, the dad's first question was, “Can she cook?”

The farmer takes out his phone and plays a message for me from one of his sisters. They are leaving messages pleading with him to dump me. Sometimes they cry. For him, of course. For his future — like I'll take his money and run.

Also, sidenote: I think the sisters think the farmer has enough money and shouldn't get any more, so they are outraged that he wants to negotiate with his parents, and they blame this on me. (Don't get excited: The farmer has a lot for a guy who has done a good job farming and spent almost no money in fifteen years. But I could be with an investment banker if I'm marrying for money. Believe me, a farmer is not a smart move for marrying for money.)

After the voicemails and the ensuing doldrums, I remind him that our marriage counselor (no, we're not married, but we're early birds catching the worm) said that his family would be a big problem for him.

He tells me that we need to call the lawyer.

This is how we operate. I always want to call the marriage counselor to make sure the farmer still loves me. And he always wants to call the lawyer, to make sure he's going to be able to keep farming with his parents.

Is there anyone else who needed to sign a prenuptial agreement before Thanksgiving? I did. I had to sign to make sure the parents feel certain that I'll never get my hands on that farm while they are alive. I signed. After all, my board would go ballistic if I did not have a prenup that protected my company. So I figured, okay, now everyone is happy in business-land.

But the problem with a family business is that if everything is not done up tight, by lawyers, then everyone has different ideas about who owns what. The farmer's family business is, I think, a mess.

So the farmer's family is negotiating. The farmer is telling his parents that if they can't come to an agreement then he's selling his portion of the land and leaving.

To live at my house. Let me just say that when we tried that out—where he lives at my house and doesn't farm—it really sucked. He missed the farm and I kept telling him he could buy another farm and he kept saying that he misses farming with his parents. But his lawyer tells him he doesn't have a choice except to be prepared to leave (and live as a grouch at my house). Because how else can he negotiate?

I think negotiations like these are the only way for family businesses to survive.

I used to work at my grandma's bookstore. I worked with a cousin—Laurie. She told me I should move to LA even though no one wanted me to. Everyone thought it was a crazy idea. But Laurie explained that the job of families is to keep you in line with the rest of the family, in a predestined path that is good for the family. And your job is to create your own path.

It seems to me that often, families are complicated, hurtful and constraining. But a family that is in business together must somehow rise above that, and encourage each member to express themselves, and find what moves them, and act on that. It's a more generous model of a family that what most families are.

So this Thanksgiving, for me, is like watching a play. I don't have a huge stake — I just want to be with the farmer, wherever he goes. So I watch, from afar, hoping everyone can agree on how the business should be, and hoping no one mentions how much they hate what I write.

Meanwhile, I think the sisters are hoping to wait out the storm. The farmer has dumped so many women that his family can't believe I'd have staying power. And, of course, he has dumped me 15 times, so the family does have a point.

I ask him what I should talk about. “What if they bring up my miscarriage?”

“They won't,” he says, “They'll bring up the weather.”

And he laughs. Because of course, I'm more conversant on reproductive rights than the weather. And no one talks weather better than a farm family.

We get into bed and talk about how we will only spend a couple of hours at Thanksgiving with his family and then we will go back to my house where we will have Thanksgiving with my Ex. (Need I say more about this situation than that the dinner with the Farmer and the Ex will be the more relaxing of the two?)

We talk about how the farmer needs to do chores in the morning with his dad. And we need to bring two pies for his mom. And we go to bed all cuddly because the farmer loves talking logistics. Farming seems like it's about land and animals and being close to the earth, but it's really about the logistics of land and animals as you try to control the earth.

I look at the farmer and say, “Oh. You're so happy now because we talked logistics.” Then I kiss him and turn out the light.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, we eat hamburger because he doesn't feel like it's a meal if you don't have meat, and I won't eat pork because even though I'm with a pig farmer, that doesn't mean I'm not Jewish.

I want to ask him about what he told his sisters about me and my kids coming to Thanksgiving.

I say, “I need five minutes to talk.”

I have to tell him the duration because he doesn't like conflict without a set endpoint. I once explained that the endpoint for personal conflict is death. But he needs something sooner.

105 replies
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  1. God Blogger
    God Blogger says:

    Can you explain six sex scenes? I spent about 90 minutes reading it all — wow. Your writing had me mesmerized very similar to when I read Sylvia Plath. …Then, I saw that you mentioned her. Quite fitting!

    • Penelope Trunk
      Penelope Trunk says:

      This is a great example of a comment that I would not normally respond to. But now, it’s the new me — the me that responds to more comments. So here I am…

      I wrote Six Sex Scenes in 1994, before people were telling stories on the Internet. (In fact, the piece is in Wikipedia for being one of the first interactive stories on the Internet.) Another thing about 1994 is that people didn’t really use the back button on their browser; they didn’t know the button was there. So the piece, Six Sex Scenes, is meant to be read without using the back button. Or using it very parsimoniously.

      I hope that helps. And, I really appreciate that you liked writing. Thank you :)

      Penelope

      • Mark W.
        Mark W. says:

        I like the “new” you in the comments section and look forward to seeing more of the “new” you here in the future.

  2. Marge
    Marge says:

    WOW! I have to say that must have been an interesting Thanksgiving evening. I’m more of the low-key type though so while mine is a little bit boring, at least there was not nearly as much drama.

  3. Elizabeth
    Elizabeth says:

    Haven’t seen your blog for some time, but I’m tickled that you’re still with the farmer.

    I don’t know if anybody else mentioned this, but not only are you dealing with a family business, you are dealing with The Land. Not just a different level, a whole different universe of expectation, commitment, emotion, delusion. For example, my husband, son of farmers, is still in a partnership with his brother and their sister (to whom neither speaks) in which each owns his/her own third of the family land, but all the revenues of renting it to a producer go to the partnership. Because it’s The Land. We pay tax on, but never see the money.

    Good luck.

  4. Maureen Sharib
    Maureen Sharib says:

    I noticed in your post several typos which said to me that you were excited about what you were writing and maybe just a little bit out of your league. Maybe I’m wrong but this thing about families and businesses and the two co-existing alongside each other is a whole other world for you to delve into and develop out of. You just wait and see. You think the intersection of life and work is interesting? Wait til you witness the intersection (and collision) of this workplace sub-species: the family business.

  5. Van
    Van says:

    Ironically my boyfriend’s grandparents (he has no parents) are “farmers” of a sort (lazy Jacksonville, Florida style, no real incorporated business or anything) and they openly accept me, the grandma even gives me gifts occasionally. No drama there. It’s a different story for other members of the family and my twin brother’s in-laws, which create drama of a magnitude so enormous that I, as the estranged sister & aunt have to resist to keep from being dragged into it. I just ignore it, ignore them. I don’t care about their acceptance. It’s incredibly easy to ignore it all and just keep working and living. If I were you I would completely ignore all negativity and just focus on everything that needs to be done with your business and your impending unison with the farmer.

    Of course, easier said than done. I wish you luck!

  6. Nate
    Nate says:

    Wait. You’re marrying an only son, w/ 3 sisters? I’m so sorry. That’s my situation, exactly–only add the fact that my dh is the youngest. Luckily only 2 of the sisters talk to each other regularly–the other is closer to my husband. My only advice to you (not that you need it) is that you should give up any idea you might have had, even subconsciously, of being “one of the girls.” You will always be the outsider. Figure out your own relationship w/ his parents, and be content with that. The sisters have each other–you’ll never be able to break into that.

  7. H
    H says:

    Penelope, this is one of your most moving posts. Maybe it’s because I can relate to family drama. I wish I could find something critical to say since it might carry more weight (you mentioned recently how you pay attention to criticism, when well-constructed and thoughtfully delivered, maybe even moreso than positive comments) but I can’t. I love every word. I dropped my pencil I was so engrossed.

    I especially loved: “I just want to be with the farmer, wherever he goes. So I watch, from afar.” Your writing has such an honest, gripping, raw and yet poetic tone.

    Thank you for sharing your Thanksgiving. It’s good to know I’m not the only one with complicated feelings about family workings. (Somehow I need to be reminded of this, and not enough people — especially people of admirable accomplishments and public profiles — openly discuss this stuff, and so I find solace in your blog. Also in Michelle Obama admitting that marriage is difficult.)

    You ended with grace and depth and an unexpected extra: a nugget of advice. I’d never thought about declaring an endpoint to conflict but it makes so much sense. Thank you, once again, for an excellent post.

  8. H
    H says:

    Oh I meant to write something about how funny it is when family creates so much drama over another member’s life. Like they can’t extricate themselves from that other person’s decisions, trust that they are doing what they need to for themselves. My counselor points out that when people do this, they are distracting themselves from the real issues: their own lives. How to pursue their own paths of happiness. Afterall, it’s easier to obsess about how someone else is living their lives than to actually live your own.

    The best thing they can do for their brother, to show how much they love & care for him, is to support him and be there. Show they trust his judgment — afterall, it sounds like he’s got a pretty good track record!

  9. chris Keller
    chris Keller says:

    Isn’t it ironic that your readers are giving YOU advice, Penelope?! Even though I agree with a lot of the advice I’ve read from readers, I still find it to be a reversal of sorts . . .

    You and the farmer have found your way together and you two obviously know how to work many things out.

    Family is fraught for any/all of us–but you will of necessity find your way in this arena also. You will do what is best for your nuclear family: you, the farmer and your sons. You will create harmony. You will let go of what is not essential. You will go forward and improve what now exists.

    Okay, then, go for it. In going for it, you may have to fight for it from time to time. Don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. (Smile sweetly and say “I know Tae Kwon Do”. To the farmer, too!)

    Best–no, VERY best!
    Chris, MSN, RN

  10. Rachel
    Rachel says:

    I probably should put this comment on my own blog, as ‘a personal declaration of honesty while writing’ or some shit like that. I would do that too, if my blog existed, but since it doesn’t – it is going here.

    I just started reading Penelope’s blog – and it is my new favorite. Because of the honesty and openness. For the readers that think she shouldn’t write about the Farmer or his family, what is she supposed to write about? What do you think writers write about? Imaginary people they don’t know? Its her life, there is nothing more interesting than real life. And these stories are much more interesting than a daily list of what to do to make your career better (that would suck). The stories make the career advice better, because your career is just part of your life, and how you do one thing in your life is how you do everything (eventually).

    Arthur Miller said “The best work that anybody ever writes, is the work that is on the verge of embarrassing him, always.”
    Faulkner said “A writer’s only responsibility is to his art. He will be completely ruthless if he is a good one. He has a dream. It anguishes him so much he must get rid of it. He has no peace until then. Everything goes by the board: honor, pride, decency, security happiness, all to get his book written. If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: the “Ode on a Grecian Urn’ is worth any number of old ladies.” Faulkner might be a little harsh – but the writers honesty is to the benefit of the reader.

    Real writing is about being soul baring – and the best writers simply bare more of their souls. Many times, such soul baring honesty makes the reader uncomfortable – but not nearly as uncomfortable as it makes the writer. Non-writers get to keep their insides all wrapped up for themselves. Writers vomit their insides all over the page, whether that page is in a book, a scroll, or a blog.

    To me, the fact that Penelope is so honest warrants respect, whether or not you personally agree with her life choices. Her honesty makes ME uncomfortable, because I don’t know if I can do that – be that open. Because my GREATEST fear is what certain individuals will think of my writing.

    Just reading this blog is a stretch for me, but stretching is good. How else will I grow?

    • Heather
      Heather says:

      Rachel get a blog! You have it so right about where good writing comes from. I’d read more of your writing for sure. People are also entitled to their opinions and the sometimes vitriolic rants here give this blog such an energy. It is Penelope’s writing, honesty and humanity that keeps me coming back as well as the diverse opinions and views expressed by the readers. I always learn alot and it’s active learning rather than passive reading. This sort of writing changes things because it is challenging. Anyone can write stuff that keeps everyone happy.

    • chris Keller
      chris Keller says:

      Yes. Rachel, you have nailed it. You and Penelope, together, have the wisdom and the guts, and can say clearly what the wisdom/guts looks like. And the call to stretching . . . that is another essential guideline, I believe.
      Chris K

  11. Rachel
    Rachel says:

    Heather, you are correct about others having the right to give their opinions. In my comment, I was probably a little defensive, which isn’t the right attitude to have. Open discussion creates such an awesome environment and that is one of the things that makes this blog so dynamic. You are also right about active learning instead of passive reading. You are just right about everything actually. So cheers to your rightness :)

    As for my writing, I’m working on the blog thing :).

  12. Zane Safrit
    Zane Safrit says:

    I’m not a regular reader. I don’t think I will become one, either. Not that I don’t enjoy your posts. I do. A lot. It’s just after reading this post, I realize I am not alone with in-laws and clashes of cultures. There’s no need to read more. Some may report these things get better over time. Not always, trust me.

    Thanks for this post. Good luck.

  13. Ron Hekier
    Ron Hekier says:

    The title of the post would have been more apt had you left out the word “business.”
    My $.02: Farmer has difficulty asserting independence from his family and this has ramifications upon your relationship.
    Good luck.

  14. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    Hi Penelope:

    So I’m dying to know, how did Thanksgiving dinner(s) go? One with the future in-laws and the other with the Farmer and Ex?

    You’ll never be able to change the way his sisters feel about you, all you can do is be true to yourself.

    Family is important, but when you come down to it, you’ll be living with the Farmer every day, not his (or your) family.

    Here’s to you and the Farmer!! Cheers!

    Jennifer

  15. Medstore
    Medstore says:

    Penelope, I just want to say I’m 19 graduated and job hunting and everything you mentioned just feels miles away – but it’s amazing and such a vivid insight into your world. Love it.

  16. Chris
    Chris says:

    Thanksgiving is fascinating as it the one day everything in America comes to a standstill – the supermarkets and even 7/11s close.

    But after reading about the forced family reunions here, is all this really worth it? Or must thanksgiving continue simply because it is an age-old tradition?

  17. weekend weg
    weekend weg says:

    Thanksgiving is difficult to understand when you are not from the US. It’s a holiday we don’t know in europe.
    But I still want to thank you for the post.

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