I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio.
This past week was Spring Break and toward the end, somehow my ex and my nanny fell out of the picture, and I was doing a lot of taking care of the kids, which, I have said before, is not what I’m great at. I wish I were. I tried for four years to be a stay-at-home mom, only to discover that I am not meant to do that.
So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: “No school today and the nanny’s on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter.”
I almost didn’t post that Twitter because it’s so banal.
But, in just seconds, because that’s how Twitter works, there was a firestorm of men telling me that I’m a bad mom. Really. Yes.
Here’s one from David Dellifield:
“@penelopetrunk sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we’ll enjoy them for who they are”
I couldn’t believe it. It’s one thing to be a total asshole to me on, say, Yahoo Finance, where someone used to spend a good portion of each day making sure that the C word did not appear in the comments for either Suze Orman’s column or mine. (The best days were when the C word appeared in a way that linked us. Really, those were some creative commenters on Yahoo Finance.) The difference between Twitter and Yahoo is that Twitter is intimate, and real-time, and pointed directly at me, not at the editorial board of Yahoo.
Like many people who are total assholes online, David’s contact info was easy to find. I called him at work, because, big surprise, he is not a stay-at-home dad talking about how everyone should love parenting. He is a dad who is not home all day talking about how everyone should love being home all day with their kids.
There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.
Then I called David Dellifield’s house. I thought maybe his wife would answer and I could ask her if she knows that her husband is emailing other women to encourage them to send more kids to his wife to take care of. All day.
There was no answer. Maybe by then he had alerted his wife that he is being pursued by a psycho who maybe will kill her kids or maybe will kill him. Maybe they will never answer their phone again.
So I wrote to David — a “direct message” in Twitter terminology: “I’m surprised by what you wrote. Are you intentionally being mean to me in a public forum?”
He wrote back: “no, but it seemed you were complaining about your children on an open forum, kids have faults, lets love for who they are”
So here’s the problem: Parents need to be able to say that parenting is not fun. The day-in and day-out of parenting is very, very difficult. This is not even news. There is a reason for the reams of research showing that having kids does not make people happier.
Daniel Gilbert, psychologist at Harvard, writes in Time magazine that we trick ourselves into thinking kids make us happy.
Nattavudh Powdthavee, an economist at the University of York, published research in The Psychologist, that concludes, “Social scientists have found almost zero association between having children and happiness.”
Scott Stanley, a psychologist at University of Denver, reveals research that shows that marriages are much happier before the couple has children.
So first of all, anyone who says that parenting makes them happy is probably lying. Just statistically speaking. But also, we know the people who are well positioned to like parenting. There are sixteen personality types, and only a handful are perfectly tuned for staying home with kids.
People can have competing feelings. For example, I love my job but I hate getting up and going to work every day. Or, I love this blog but I often have to force myself to sit down and write a post.
Competing feelings happen to healthy people everywhere. St. Augustine called this dualism; mommy bloggers call it reality.
It’s a big deal that women are writing publicly, in real time, about how difficult it is to stay home with kids. Look, I get emails every day from women who left the workforce for kids and feel lost. Here’s the blog of a woman who wrote to me two days ago: The Reluctantly Frustrated Stay-at-Home Mom.
These women feel lost because you can love your kids and still be bored. Kids are not nonstop fun. Talking with young children is stultifying. Yes, they are funny. But in general, you have to pay attention to them every second, even though they are not really doing something every second.
And as soon as your mind wanders too far, something bad happens. For example, I took the kids on a hike yesterday, taking a coat for myself but not for them. Because I checked out. Because I wanted to think about things that are more interesting than coats. This is normal behavior. I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that’s not something kids give.
This does not mean I don’t love my kids. Only an asshole would suggest that because I don’t want to stay home with them all day, I must not love them.
And all you people who say you’d love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit.
I know because I was living at the poverty line in NYC while I stayed home with my kids. That’s how important it was to me to stay home. I wanted to be with them for every moment, be a great mom, all that. So I did it no matter what — no financial situation could have stopped me.
And if you really wanted to be home with your kids all day, you’d do it. David: That means you, too. But, newsflash: going to work is 10,000 times easier than staying with kids all day. Yes, I know, staying with kids is more important. I agree. So is saving children from starvation in Malawi. But we each do what we can. And the best of us are honest about it.
For all you guys who Twittered back to me that I’m a bad mom and that I should love being home with my kids, here’s a link for you: CEOs who are on Twitter. Because let me tell you something: None of these people needs to earn the money they are earning. They have enough money. They can stay home with their kids. But instead, they are at work.
David, can you publicly ask each of these guys if they want to send their kids to your wife in Ohio? Because each of these guys is choosing to go to work instead of stay home with their kids. Do you know why? BECAUSE THE CEOs THINK KIDS ARE BORING. This is not news. The top 10% of the tax bracket system does not need to leave their families to go to work every day. But they do. Why is that?
Here’s another idea, David. How about approaching all those guys with Blackberries at soccer games? Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they’re getting a blow job? Of course not. Do you know why? Because it’s INTERESTING. They are checking their blackberries during soccer because soccer is boring. The kids can’t figure out where the goal is. The kids and their parents lose interest. They want snacks more than they want to learn soccer. They are cute, yes. But even cute gets boring.
Here’s another Twitter from David Dellifield: “been on twitter several months, still trying to figure out the conversation part of it”
@DavidDellifield Maybe you don’t understand the conversation because you have so little self-knowledge to add to the party.
First Thought: This is awesome. Penelope, you rock my world.
Second Thought: Dear – god… I would never want to piss this woman off.
Third Thought: Oh, shit – I've been "that guy" before – (for context you can read and then read ).
I think many of us at some point in our lives have pulled a David Dellifield.
Anyway, I can't relate to being a parent, but your post does bring up some thoughts. I'm just starting out in the corporate world, but the way my career is progressing I doubt I'll ever be a stay-at-home dad. In addition, the women I'm attracted to are not the stay-at-home types either.
So based on these variables, my relationships will closely resemble that of a "commuter couple" (as described in Microtrends by Mark Penn). This will lead to a sort of "commuter marriage". Finally "commuter parents", which means a pretty shitty childhood for any little Daniels that'll be running around. My boss hasn't seen his kids in three weeks, and he's part of the C-Suite in the division I work in.
I don't want kids. I know that will probably change as I get older – Still, I'm probably going to end up being one of those couples that hire a nanny to raise their kids. That's not the childhood I grew up in, but I feel it may become a growing trend within my generation.
Furthermore, I will also be googling how to properly use links in comments…
Haha. This totally saved your previous comment! Yes, I remember the beating you took on Brazen Careerist. I, for one, did not think it was THAT bad and I felt bad when everyone laid it out on you. But I hope it was a learning experience and you handled all the criticism well.
Good luck!
Haha, thanks Irina! I appreciate the comment. It was definitely a learning experience. It’s funny how my apology is actually the most popular post on the blog…
P-
I am not a mom yet, but I definitely find comfort in your motherhood blogs; I dread motherhood, and I dread it for the very reasons you talk about. I heard this on NPR the other day, and I think you will enjoy it if you didn’t catch it already.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102880681“>True Mom Confessions
Then please don’t ever become a Mom.
Yes, why would you become a mother if you already “dread” it? The world would be a better place if people who did not want to be parents would simply not become parents.
Wow, pretty immature Penelope. So what, David called you a mean name on Twitter. Grow up, don’t write some revenge blog post.
This weekend I saw the funniest headline on a tabloid. It went something like this:
Brad Pitt is leaving Angelina and says he’s taking the kids with him!
Really interesting post – at first I thought calling him sounded totally nutty but then I asked myself why. It’s so odd the standards we have for online vs offline behavior, and maybe your posts points to a new era of breaking them down. In “real life” it would be totally reasonable to call someone who was rude to you at a dinner party, what’s the difference on twitter?
It’s odd that people are calling your behavior childish and immature but when you read the post closely you didn’t do anything childish at all. You stood up for yourself, and responded to this guy. You didn’t write about he is ugly or dumb or something like that. You responded to what he wrote to you, and who knows what you’d REALLY say but your planned phone call was just a response not “burn in hell MFer!”. Yes you did call him an asshole, which I think is totally reasonable.
Too many thoughts, so little time:
(1) First of all, I love how this post ended up being about two things – society’s expecations of mothers’ blind appreciation of motherhood and vilifying someone in a public forum.
(2) To all the commenters who are surprised that Penelope had such a “thin skin” and reaction “in such a way” to his tweet. It’s not about his tweet! He was just the catalyst to set her on fire. This is about years of being fed up with being treated this way (as if she needs to enjoy every given moment with her kids like it is some kind of blessing ALL THE TIME) and finally speaking up. Dave’s tweet is what got her moving and motivated to write this post. It is not that she was so offended and hurt by it, but more that it was the last straw of the tension that has been building up.
(3) Although I agree with some users that the “punishment” was somewhat excessive, this is not the end of him. I mean, yeah, it sucks that this post is the first Google search result for his name, but there a number of ways to fix your brand online. For example, he could write a blog post explaining his side of the story, appear very level-headed in the post, etc. And I am sure Penelope would not mind linking to it.
(4) And even though she wrote so unfavorably about him, I still do not dislike him and I do not have any hatred of him. I think he just made one not-so-careful comment, but he made it to the wrong person at the wrong time. And now, he unfortunately has to face the consequences.
(4) On the issue of “stalking” – it is a fine line in this case, but it does not really seem like stalking to me here. I mean, if you engage in an interaction with another Twitter user, you have engaged in an interaction! So you can only expect for that interaction to “transfer” to the real world, especially if what you say (or comment) hits so close to home.
(5) This guy’s comment was pretty snarky, too. He was not just plainly criticizing. He was Tweeting snarkily. Bad form. Yes, Penelope’s response had about 100x more snark, but it was not completely unwarranted.
In all, I think this post generated a lot of discussion and that is great. As for Dave D., I suggest he post something as a response to fix his online image. I am sure he will be ok in the end.
“It’s not about his tweet! He was just the catalyst to set her on fire. This is about years of being fed up with being treated this way (as if she needs to enjoy every given moment with her kids like it is some kind of blessing ALL THE TIME) and finally speaking up. ”
The title of the post included the tweeters name and home city.
If it wasn’t about him, then PT is a poor writer.
I really find this “but you can’t deny she has a point” crap resulting. First of all, there is not shortage of commentary about how frustrating it is to be a stay-at-home-parent, so this notion that we need a “brave” person like PT to give voice to these frustrations is ludicrous.
Second, the ends don’t justify the means. The US might be need to fight drug cartels from Mexico. But nuking Mexico City would be a completly unjust response, that could not be justified by claiming that it was designed to start a much-needed conversation about the drug cartels.
That was very cool.
Penelope:
Interesting post!
Having grown up in small town India, I have learnt one thing: when you see a pile of horse or cow dung, sidestep it; definitely don’t hover over it to confirm if it is dung by smelling or touching it. :-)
Likewise on the web. Which is nothing more than a small-ish town. How? People from small towns barely raise their heads above the parapet. Likewise the internets people who think the world really cares about tools du jour the way they do.
But yes, every idiot we encounter is a potential – and potentially explosively entertaining – blog post. By leaving the number out, you have done a good thing, to protect yourself against legal ramifications of the undesirable kind.
That said, I agree on the children bit of this post. As I say often, I like kids only on a returnable basis. I am happy to watch over kids of friends, entertain them, feed them, water them, read to them, answer tough questions, but after a few hours, I want them to go back to their own homes. I am many kids’ favourite aunt because when I am with them, I am 100% with them. But I do like peace and quiet in my life in general.
I’ve been sitting here reading all of this and the one thing that stands out to me is why Penelope just couldn’t let his comment go? He made a comment, so what? I don’t understand the out of control reaction.
Then, as I sat reading and thinking some more, I realized that I haven’t ever read anything positive by Penelope about spending any time with her kids at all. There don’t seem to be many happy mom moments happening in Penelope’s world even though most all of the drudge stuff is taken care of by paid help.
It’s too bad really. I think Penelope has a good brain and could figure out a way to enjoy being around her kids if she put some effort into it. Just hanging together with them doing something that amuses them and you being in the vicinity doing something that amuses you, then finding intersecting points to enjoy each other along the way is a great way to spend time together. You just need to find a rhythm that suits you all. It’s a lot of trial and error to get to that point, but you need to spend enough time together to make that happen. You can’t just walk in, have all the hired help walk out and expect magic.
I’m a mom. I get it. I’ve been through it all; entrepreneurship, stay at home mom, divorced with three jobs mom, single mom with full time job, one start up rolling out this month and another in the works…… Sure, it can be tough, but it’s a gift for everyone when you make the effort to find the flow that works to be with your kids and enjoy it while all of you are still getting your needs met.
Getting back to my first point; Penelope was frustrated and vented. David commented. Big deal. Move on….
Surprisingly, my last post was abt the same thing. Taking care of a kid is more than a 24×7 job. There’s no break. No respite. At the end of the day, you just want to crash and wish it would end.
But every once in a while, when the little kid looks straight into your eyes and gives an all out smile…every bit of that effort becomes worthwhile.
Couldn’t read all these comments. Jumped to Cindy’s just above, which made most sense. I too was wondering why Penelope rarely talks positively about her time with her kids. Probably not an accurate picture of how she feels, but essential to the character she plays here: angry, sexy, dead honest single mom. Emphasis on plays, hopefully not is.
Hahaha! I loved this one! Spot on, I would say.
Most men ARE ass*&#@s! We spend about 15 minutes a day with children (not all of us, so don’t the rest of you get upset!) and we find kids engaging, fun, hilarious..and if they’re smart & intelligent, just like us!
We don’t realize that the kids have been saving up that interesting bit for when “Dad comes home”.
Once those 15 minutes are done, we think we’ve done our bit, and then it’s either back to the blackberry or the TV or both!
Even today, it amazes me that we don’t realize how demanding it is for a woman to manage a home and children. ESPECIALLY a woman who has a few years (months even) of worklife behind her. To give up that kind of satisfaction and then take over the mind-numbing day after day boring routine of managing a home is way too difficult. That’s why most men stay out of home!
I realized this when my wife travelled and I stayed back home for 5 days. I was beat by 2 pm! And my kids weren’t even back from school yet! The multi-tasking required to get just 2 children off to school on time is mind-boggling. Give me my super stressfuljob at work any time. At least I can good off there!
Glad you wrote this one!
Penelope, neither you nor Dave understand Twitter.
Would you yell your vent out in the middle of the street at the top of your lungs in NY? No, you’d be a nutso.
Twitter in ‘protected mode’ with 12 followers who are your friends is where you can vent.
Twitter where you have 1200+ followers is where you should promote your blog. EVERY TWEET IS A PRESS RELEASE. Please read this again.
It really irks me how folks who have been on the ‘net for awhile like you and my other friends come upon a ‘new hotness’ like Twitter and forget the lessons they learned in email, chat, and especially Usenet. You should all know better.
Pretend that Twitter in open mode is a USENET newsgroup, alt.sms.open.soapbox.freaks.and.fools.out.on.the.street. Now ‘Tweet’ accordingly.
What I would ask is, do your kids need to be in your blog? Don’t they deserve more privacy? Why open your parenting to the criticisms of strangers who have no context nor any business telling you how to parent??? And why would you make a public micro-blog post with so little context?? It’s TROLLFEED.
Take my word for it: Twitter is the press release for your blog. NOT a place to vent. Unless you make it so.
-Drunken Economist, ex-ex-ex blogger, drive by commenter, ‘net curmudgeon at age 40, keep your kids off my lawn.
Now there’s a guy (gal?) who gets it. Twitter as a press release. Interesting concept.
If the orginal twitter had been from a Mr P instead of a Ms P we would not be having this interesting convo …. there would have just been a few ‘hear hears’ from the old boys club.
And then the faint rumble of NOTHING.
It’s a gender thing plain and simple. Cheers le
Very true le. I think Penelope gave this post much thought before she hit the publish button. The reaction to this post in this and other comment sections has been much more enlightening to me than the post itself. There’s a part of me that tells me Penelope knew ahead of time how this drama was going to play out for the most part ahead of time.
Are you effing kidding me?
If a man worked full time, and had a SAHM taking care of the kids, and was responsible for taking care of them for ONE DAY, and felt the need to tweet and complain about it, he would be the biggest jerk in the world.
And if he later admitted he forgot his children’s coats, but remembered his, because he has the type of mind that needs to think about more interesting things !??
Yeah, I’m sure that would meet with complete approval.
Give me a break.
Everyone needs to calm down. It’s obvious that it’s PT’s time of the month and she’s forgotten to take her meds.
She makes a controversial comment in a public way then can’t handle it when someone disagrees.
PT you’re in for a rough ride cause wait till your kids are old enough to disagree with you.
The liberal BS here is astonishing. Really PT, take some responsibility that what you posted was a bit controversial and by doing that you open yourself up to criticism.
You’re already divorced – have you ever thought what your kids would tweet if they could?
“Gee another day, another bed, my good toys are at my dads. Ugh – I wish she would get off the computer.”
Or how about. “Why is it I have to bounce from house to house, I’m the kid, I didn’t ask for this.”
Or maybe “They just don’t get it – they think everything is fine & it’s not.”
Instead of looking for “Intellectual Stimulation” all the time why not figure out how to be a better “single” parent than you’re being right now.
Really? Time of the month? Forgotten to take her meds? If you’re going to be a misogynistic asshole, at least try to be original and interesting when making your insults.
I can understand how trying to play with/occupy kids for a whole day can be hard work/get boring/get repetitive. But don’t you think it’s a little pretentious to be saying, ‘Oh, I need stimulation from intellectuals!’ Turn on the TV and pick up a FRICKING BOOK. Or, even better — read to your kids. Two birds, one stone. And yes, there are books your kids will enjoy that you will enjoy too.
If you’re looking for further intellectual stimulation for you and the kids, trust me, there are loads of things your kids don’t know. Teach them. Teaching is hard work, communicating is hard work, and it requires careful thought, improvisation, tackling problems from multiple perspectives. That should occupy your mind, right?
Also, if you go out hiking with your kids, get yourself a jacket and then don’t get your kids jackets: really, what are you doing? Do you understand your role in this situation? I also have doubts that an ‘intellectual’ could be so vacant. Having said that, I do appreciate the Einstein argument of complete absentmindness. I just doubt it in this context. I tend to suspect self-absorption instead.
Separate issue: I can’t believe you at any stage posted the guy’s phone number on here. Having said that, if he published it somewhere openly online (e.g. his twitter profile) then I guess he shouldn’t mind. But, seriously, for a 10-word twitter comment, how psychotically overboard can you react?
Incidentally, if you get up in arms about this blog comment (probably not, given the size of this thread), feel free to COMMENT BACK. Don’t call me, publicly shame me (beyond responding to my comment in similar fashion), or publish or distribute my personal details, mkay?
Fantastic post, one of the best things I’ll read this year.
My dad was fond of saying, “If you have children, you will have pain. If you don’t have children, you will have pain.”
I don’t have kids. But my mom stayed at home and she worked her @ss off.
Someday I hope someone will write an in-depth story about the American culture of judgmentalism.
This from a woman who recently called herself an artist? Oh, and her writing is “poetic”. For you unsophisticated dolts, a poetic post contains the word “asshole” how many times? (Answer: Three. Four would be one too many.)
I’m sure David appreciates you not including his phone number. It took me one whole search to find it, and by that time, my seething rage against him had subsided.
Your post was over the top inappropriate on so many levels. You come across in your bashing of David D. as petty, childish, a bully, and a tad bit emotionally unstable with an incredible ego.
You put yourself out there on Twitter with >10K+ followers. You post provocative tweets and blogs about blow jobs, sex, flirting, maybe/maybe not boyfriends, travelling, and then throw in how mind-numbing spending a couple of days at home with your kids is for you, and then you get bent out of shape by David’s tweet, and resort to stalking and writing a long blog about how much you HATE him?! I have read worse comments on your blog. Why so defensive?
Your overreaction is outrageously immature and vindictive.
No one (including David. D in his tweet) is saying children are easy and don’t drive their parents crazy from time to time. I also do not think David nor anyone else wrote you should be home with your kids INSTEAD OF pursuing your career aspirations. Put it in context and consider what impression of yourself you put out there with your blogs and tweets.
From all your posts, it is clear you have a demanding weekly work schedule involving lots of travel and a balancing act that requires a nanny, a house manager and a very involved father. That is wonderful…good for you for figuring out how to make it work!
However, when you tweet that the ONE day you are hanging out with your kids because DAD and the nanny are not available, that it is a bore because your children are not intellectually stimulating, and as a context to all of this, you rarely mention your kids or child raising in any posts or tweets in a positive light, it is not surprising that this would get a reaction from some of your 10K followers?
..why are you surprised by that, is it not in fact what you were trying to do…provoke?
If you wanted to write a fantastic blog about how challenging parenting is compared to working (the second half of your post), this would have been an extremely interesting and well-received blog, but sprinkling in how much you HATE this random guy and what an ass he is, just makes you look overemotional, petty, and a bully. I thought you prided yourself on being tough?
As a single mother with a child on the spectrum in the same age range as your two children, working in a demanding job, and also trying to hold it all together,…I get what you are saying about how difficult parenting is.
Despite that, I also know that I could not relate to your tweet, because after having finished a demanding few weeks of biz trips in different countries practically every week, I know how much I looked forward to spring break and spending the past week hanging out with my son, and how much I enjoyed my time with him, and more importantly, how much he NEEDED that time with his mom. It does not mean that there are not moments that are truly difficult and suck…but all in all it was really fun. Just like any job, parenthood has its good times and bad times.
Even male CEOs who would tweet that they find their limited free time with their kids to be boring would get a negative reaction from some people, especially if this is all they had to say on the subject of parenthood.
Nobody is saying, Penelope, don’t have a career, you need to be a stay at home mom, you need to LOVE being with the kids all the time.
However, your posts do give me the impression that you probably still need to figure out how to atleast enjoy and find satisfaction in the one selfless, extremely challenging, tough job you did sign up for,… that cannot be outsourced (regardless of whether or not you are working ) …being mom to your boys.
Unfortunately the only feelings women are allowed to own are the ones men tell them they can.
Thanks for being honest.
Again, I have to ask, are you effing kidding me?
You are 100% and beyond awesome, PT. You say the things people think but don’t say. You make those of us who don’t have children feel okay about it, especially in a world where people generally attribute one of three things to a married couple without kids: selfishness, tragic infertility or a non-existent sex life. I inevitably feel judged negatively when people learn I don’t have children. Nobody cares if you do or don’t eat peanut butter, but everybody cares if you do or don’t have children. And then once you do, they stand in judgment. You go girl. I hope DD rues the day he took you on.
Wow. You. Are. My. Hero. This was one of my favorite posts ever. You essentially just took a social media hit out on the guy. I love how you always tell truth to power, and don’t fall into the trap of saying what women are expected to say. Yes, your children are the most important thing in your life. Yes, you love them more than anything. That’s understood. Thanks for saying what we all know – that staying at home with kids does NOT provide the same type of intellectual stimulation as being with adults, and is not always fulfilling. If it were complete bliss all the time, you wouldn’t have movies about bored 1950s housewives like “Revolutionary Road” being made!
Penelope responded to my follow up here: Encourage you all to read and share your thoughts:
http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/blogging/rule-176-of-being-a-blogger-learn-how-to-take-criticism/
Girl, you are on fire. I love this post & I’m one of those women who’s not had children & thought that I’d want to be home with them all day. I quickly realize how boring it might get. U rock.
So please don’t become a mom. Better still get your tubes tied.
This guy made an asinine and totally unnecessary comment, but you come across looking like a petulant, insecure teenager by responding like this. It’s unbecoming and almost as immature as what HE did in the first place. You’d think that a secure adult could brush this off and cast it for exactly for what it is: a clod making a cloddish, ill-informed comment that says way more about him than it does about you. Instead, you pursue a vendetta that’s making you look as bad as every other online warrior who can’t deal with the frequent cruelty that accompanies the anonymity of the internet.
But yes, parenting is tough and every parent SHOULD vent about it.
I lost my job two weeks ago. The following week, my 4 year old special needs daughter had spring break. My 7 seven year old son, who goes to a different school, started his Thursday and has this week as well. I still had grading to do for my PT job, and taxes, and searching for cheaper good therapy, and a million e-mails to HR to deal with COBRA and Terminal Leave, and web searches and resumes and cover letters to write. I love the kids to death, of course, but I am SO looking forward to being unemployed and ALONE for a little while. And I wish I was still a smoker. A cigarette, a cup of Cuban coffee, and thou…
Ruthless!! I saw that tweet and thought it was mighty brave of you to throw that out into the twittersphere – I knew in an instant there would be major backlash. But you speak the truth, and that’s what David Dellifield can’t handle.
Childish, petty and a massive over-reaction. Do you go apeshit every time someone responds to a tweet?
Penelope,
This post rocks. ’nuff said.
Awesome post P, there is nothing more annoying than people who lack self-awareness.
Penelope,
I love your articles and I don’t claim to be qualified to offer child-rearing advice…BUT your “scorched earth” approach to David Dellifield was grossly excessive.
Yes, he made a series of stupid, hypocritical comments at and to you. But you’re the online celebrity here — you used your celebrity to destroy his reputation online, after crossing his personal and work boundaries on the phone?
Your actions make you look small.
Karl
Not yet a mom, but I am so grateful when ANYONE I know tells the *whole* truth about motherhood. I pray it will make me at least not surprised when I am annoyed at the little buggers, despite the fact that I love kids! Especially for us (women), popping the fantasy balloon of motherhood feels so important. THANKS.
As for poor David, if he didn’t want attention, he shouldn’t have posted public comments about someone else’s family.
Wow. Okay, three points Penelope –
1. David is a dick, I’ll give you that.
2. He struck a nerve with you that I have seen in the past. It’s as if you carry some sort of guilt about how you raised your kids that requires you to justify the decisions you have made. You know what? You're a good mom, you made some tough decisions along the way just like all of us did (including what you sacrificed to stay home with them as much as possible), and your kids are going to be fine.
3. HOWEVER!!!!! You crossed a line here Penelope. I have always felt that I could say anything on your blog that I felt to be true. After seeing this post, I have to wonder – “am I going to piss Penelope off? Is she going to become a lunatic stalker if I say something that really offends her or touches a sore spot?” I love your blog, it is actually the only one out there that I allow email updates from. However, I have to admit, I am now afraid to speak my mind on here. Yes, I realize this was not in response to someone’s comment on your blog, however, the fear is now out there. You just may have cheated yourself out of honest comments from many people.
Look, y’all, the problem is that P was writing about ONE DAY. She’s NOT a SAHM, and she doesn’t want to be. I think that the vast majority of us can accept and respect that decision, which is surely based on some level of fairly accurate self-knowledge.
But even a non-stay-home parent should be able to handle ONE DAY with the kids without whining about how boring they are. Don’t want to deal with intergalactic battles? Want more intellecutal stimulation? THEN TAKE SOME INITIATIVE. You ARE, after all, the MOM.
Scoop ’em up and take ’em someplace new to eat, and talk about the culture that inspired the food. Pull out some board games and play Scrabble or Monopoly … or, you want intellectual stimulation, teach them to play chess. Take them to a zoo or museum … surely Madison has one or the other. Take them to a movie and buy them popcorn and Junior Mints. Take them to an amusement park or putt-putt golf. Take them to a cemetery and walk through reading odd names and interesting dates on gravestones — you might even come across something that sparks enough interest or curiosity to produce a blog post or article.
The point is that an adult, ANY adult, should be able to cope with kids for ONE DAY.
1.) Congrats my friends. As The Walkmen once said, “We’ve been had.”
Speculation; the author has done one of two things.
a.) She’s carefully crafted and cultivated a particular marketing brand on this blog, which involves an `exciting’ and fair amount of drama-oriented and quasi-bad psychological behavior, and she wields that with the proficiency of a rapier in the hands of a master swordswoman. (I can’t figure this out, is that two words or one?)
i.e. She’s quite deliberately acting in this manner to generate interest, readership and gather.. well, as PT Barnum once put it, `suckers’*
(* For example see `Rush Limbaugh’, `Bill O’Reilly’, `Ann Coulter’.)
(Disclaimer on the above. Nowhere am I saying that this is a BAD thing, per-se. Heck, if you can do it, way to go. You get points in my book for `gaming the system’, or using it to your advantage, if you will.)
Or, b.) It’s completely un-crafted and raw, and she’s simply someone laboring under the curse of BPD and bad behavior* who happens to write very well.
(* For further example, see Tucker Max, etc.)
Either way, it’s a well-constructed blog post which either intentionally or unintentionally raises the hackles and deliberately invites controversy and criticism. It `gets the blood flowing’ if you will, and what’s more..
It invites interest and furthers the brand.
Someone once said, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”
Did you get that? The controversy increases both interest and readership.
For those of you who will disagree with this, you should study viral marketing techniques or speak to some folks in ad agencies. Maybe talk with some mass communication profs at your local college.
2.) Let’s play pretend.
So far, I have yet to see an ACTUAL response from the original dude who so unfortunately invited the wrath, (either premeditated and carefully planned or not) of the author and her army of readers.
I have however, seen plenty of `He must be feeling..’ and `Surely he’s thinking now..’ and `I bet he’s…’ and other projections of assumption, which has the pleasant effect of either demonizing or canonizing the guy, and validating your comments of hatred or support.
Here’s a hint. Stop assuming you know anything about the guy, if he’s cowering behind a chair, scared to death of any and all responses from anyone on here, or if he’s suited up with an extra set of centurion chest plates and arm guards from the movie, `Gladiator’ and is preparing to `defend his honor!’
…On the internet.*
Either way, you really don’t know. Therefore, you’re guessing. Ergo, you should probably.. Well, STFU about what you _think_ is going on.
(* Interesting update. He appears to have deleted his tweet and said.. Nothing in return.)
Which, I’m sure will result in battle cries of the author’s supporters, “He LOST! HAHA!”, and from his supporters, “He’s BEING THE BETTER PERSON! HAHA!”
Either way, you really don’t know.
3.) Everybody wants to be the bad-ass, righteous, avenging angel.
Somewhere, somebody needs to be punished, right?
Somewhere, somebody’s doing something that pisses you off.
It feels GOOD to give someone a piece of your mind, doesn’t it?
Most especially after that jerk in the hummer cut you off in the merge lane this morning. What gave that guy the right? Yeah, that just really tweaked you, didn’t it.
Maybe, it’s time to do something in return.
But how are you gonna find that dude in the hummer? Camp out like a cop on the overpass? Hope and pray that he’ll drive by in the afternoon?
Pshaw! Why, that’d be just plain crazy, wouldn’t it!
So instead, we look for another target. Someone who deserves our wrath, and who will also unconsciously serve as the catcher for the unrequited
After all, you’re really just `paying it forward’.
But honestly, what gives you the right to become `The Punisher’?
One of the scariest lines in the OP’s post to me is, “There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.”
Hopefully, this is a joke. One of those half-hearted, “Ha Ha” things.
You know the type of humor. Like that kid in high school that would poke you in the back on the bus, over and over, and after a while escalate into slapping you on the shoulder, and finally the back of your head, and when you turned around to catch his hand and said, “Stop!”, you noticed that he was biting his lip, had a particular shine in his eyes, a little bit of drool at the corner of his mouth and he says, “Aww, I was just KIDDING! Sheesh! You need a better sense of humor!”
Or, I could be wrong. Maybe the OP wasn’t furthering abuse that she experienced at the hand of a parent or family member, or friend, or significant other growing up.
Maybe the mean-spirited statements are merely a reflection of genetics.
Maybe she was just, `having a bad day.’
(although if the `just having a bad day’ excuse is used, of course that will again illustrate
Either way, without a clear disclaimer, the statement implies that it’s OK to righteously inflict harm, (be it physical or psychological), at the author’s behest, based solely on the author’s judgment.
And unfortunately, that statement, plus the others in the OP implies an incredibly tremendous level of self-loathing, insecurity and the driving compulsion to control.
Or more specifically, control someone via the infliction of pain and misery.
And that’s really unhealthy, isn’t it?
And that’s not really something that any woman would tolerate a man doing to her, would it?
Why is it ok, the other way `round?
4.) And that brings us back to…
Our original point.
Which was; In my humble opinion, the author, is very, very, very good at selling `herself as a package’.
Much in the same way Ann Coulter, Tucker Max and Rush Limbaugh are.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?
I love this post. I commented on Twitter as well. I think it is funny that a man such as this David Dellifield wants to criticize you for “being a bad mother”. The problem is many men think that women should still stay home and take care of the kids and be happy just like their moms did or they wished their moms did. In actuality their moms either did it because they felt they had to and they ended up resenting their husbands and or their children or the fact that their mothers didn’t stay home because they knew that they would not be happy and wouldn’t be good as a stay at home mom.
So, how many kids does this David have? How many days has he stayed home to take care of his kids? Is his wife even a stay at home mother? I say to this David, get over yourself and stop being intimidated that women like you Penelope speak the truth and you are good at what you do and that does not take away from you loving your children, does not lessen the care you have for them nor does it take away from your want for them to have a happy life.
Congrats Penelope you speak the truth all the time. I saw you last year at PRSA in Detroit and thought you were great, just like this David guy some of the PRSA members were intimidated by your truth. Thanks for keeping it real and to the point.
I like how all the CF folk are on top of this one.
http://refugees.bratfree.com/
I’m curious — is this one of your most-commented-on posts?
I’m absolutely loving the dialogue. And still laughing at the BJ reference.
They’re right, you know. You’ve got to some sort of an apology might be in order when even a good number of those of us who agree with you and consider ourselves fans, think you kinda freaked on the guy.
Wow.
I read the post and before I got to the end of it, I asked myself is she going to post his phone number as well? My biggest issue here is that e-stalking the guy was really unprofessional. But, then, one of the points of this blog is about authenticity. Well can’t get any more authentic than crazy, I guess. David sure hit the nail on the head didn’t he?
I am a woman who is a mom too. It is difficult because of all the self-sacrifice and not knowing if what you are doing is working. There is no sense of being finished with a task and no accolades because of something accomplished. There is a lot of routine and a need for order and discipline. Quite the opposite of a working for yourself in an online medium where there are definable goals that can be accomplished and the next best newest thing is always around the corner, very stimulating. Whereas kids require a not so stimulating environment of routine and repetition.
So, I agree with you in kind that it is difficult. Even for one day, because you have to almost switch personas to match the difference between your work and what is needed with the kids. But you know what, you just do the best you can.
Also, who is David anyway? You have a large twitter following, no? Hundreds of people right? Anyone can join your twitter following right? Just because people can respond directly to you doesn’t make it an intimate environment, just a real time one. In the end David can only know what you tell him, he can’t be you to experience life as you do. So, f-ck him.
The real question is what is it about you and motherhood that makes you so defensive as to actually breakout the research to defend your position?
“The real question is what is it about you and motherhood that makes you so defensive as to actually breakout the research to defend your position?”
Maybe because research is better than “just winging it”?
Well, parenting is pretty subjective and for research that supports a position, there is research that refutes it. It really depends on the paradigm of the person doing the research and the person who interprets it for the public and the end user who uses it.
Not much to say…. this was an amazing post. I appreciate the honesty in it. Being a man I find it so funny how woman are still expected to be pregnant/barefoot and have a hot meal waiting on the table for their husband.
Servitude is a load of shit. Find something you enjoy in life and do your best to be good at it. That’s happiness. Sorry I kind of deviated from the post but I feel the message is the same.
Thanks again,
Chris Lorenz
Absolutely no one has the right to judge another person’s parenting.
You are completely right, and I totally agree with you. I have been enjoying your blogs for quite some time now. Thank you for posting the info from the happiness studies. It’s more information I can use in my argument with my husband against having children.
Really Jenn? Is that what you tell yourself when you hear what Casey Anthony did to her daughter? How about when you read about the Octo Mom and her 16 kids. How’s their style of parenting working for you?
It’s only considering judging when you don’t agree with what’s being said, I guess.
Get real.
Telling someone they are a bad parent because you don’t agree with what they have said or done is judging, yes, it is the very definition of judging, whether I agree or not, and while I don’t happen agree with some of the actions of some parents, I don’t judge them. I just assume they are doing the best they know how, like any other parent. It’s not my place to decide whether the octo mom should have had her 14 babies (not 16 by the way) or comment on how she is raising them, or what Britney Spears is teaching her kids on the weekends or whatever else the public is buzzing about. and further, I don’t particularly care what either of those people do because it doesn’t affect me, and it’s none of my concern. I’m not their social worker nor their juryman.
I’d express my thoughts here with a real name and email, but I’m afraid you’d hunt me down and try to ruin my life too.
There’s been a lot of discussion why people stay anonymous online. Your post is the only reason I need to give.
What you’ve said and implied about him is 1000 times worse than what you thought he was saying.
I love you for having the balls to say all that.
I’m not even going to read the comments because I don’t want to come out of this blog in a fury against idiots. I just want to say thank you for being so honest. It’s seriously stressful to know that when I’m sitting at my computer, wanting to type “i wish i could go away alone for a few days” while my kids are burning the house down and pouring kool-aid down the air vents, i instead type something like “kids are silly” or “my house smells like grape now” or something equally airheaded, JUST to avoid comments like “you’re a bad mom” or “you’re ungrateful” or “you have the easiest job in the world”.
i was volunteering at my church all Easter weekend, so i left the kids home with their dad, who works 60 hours a week, leaving before they wake up and getting home after i’ve put them to bed. he had them for six hours on Saturday and four hours on Sunday. by Sunday afternoon when it was time to go to the obligatory family dinners, he only had enough energy to make it to one and made me make the phone call to tell his other relatives we wouldn’t be making it to their dinner this time. this is after ten hours in two days of having the kids.
people who don’t stay home with their kids fall into two categories: they either know how understimulating and difficult it is to do it so they choose to work outside the home, OR they’ve never had to stay home with the kids a day in their life and have all these assumptions about how easy it is. those of us who work outside of our homes and have a chance to spend an entire weekend alone with the kids are reminded why we choose not to be stay-at-home parents.
yes i am very thankful that i get to see my kids growing up and that we can afford for me not to work right now (i couldn’t work outside the house if i wanted to, we only have 1 car and daycare is super expensive). but it takes a lot out of me to constantly be reminded of things i used to enjoy, things i used to find interesting, because they aren’t a part of my life anymore. i can’t even read a book without being stopped every 5 minutes to get a juice cup or wipe a butt. yes that comes with having kids but geez people. stop glamorizing it. those who aren’t built to be home with their kids all day long have to catch all the flack after you act like watching the kids 24/7 is a piece of cake and something we should all resign ourselves to do. my husband couldn’t even do it for one weekend and still commit to all our family obligations, while i was going nonstop with church for four days straight and was totally ready to drive the kids to another Easter dinner after being at the first one only a few hours.
let’s just be honest okay? admit we don’t like it all the time, admit we’re glad we don’t miss out on things with the kids but don’t act like everyone else should find it so rewarding. we are not carbon copies of some pleasantville character.
Wow. There are so many points to consider in this comment that I don’t even know where to begin.
I guess the point to which I take most exception is that parenting 24/7 is some huge inconvenience and terribly difficult. It IS a piece of cake to me, but maybe it’s my positive attitude (as opposed to a negative one). I’ve been on BOTH sides – I worked full-time and my children were in daycare full-time, and I still managed to come home from work and cook dinner and help with homework, and actually, you know, parent. I quit my job just about 4 years ago to parent full-time (I don’t call myself a stay-at-home mom because we’re rarely actually home), and I L-O-V-E it. And I’m good at it. Of course, there are days when the house isn’t spotless and we’re eating takeout, but those days are due to my shortcomings, not my childrens’. Cleaning messes and wiping bottoms and teaching manners may not be glamorous, but it’s what we signed up for when we chose to have children. When did it become the norm to bash our children and blame them for our ruined lives, and feel the need to commiserate with other sub-par/lazy/whiny parents? It’s parenting…people have been doing it since the dawn of man, but never has it been accompanied by such bitterness and whining. Maybe it’s not just the children who have some growing up to do.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Excellent post once again. I think this one also doesn’t alienate stay-at-home moms as well as supporting those of us that work outside the home. Just because we women might complain about taking care of our children, it doesn’t mean we don’t love them.
It reminds me of a very wise quote I keep from my grandmother. She was a very wise woman and had to work full-time as a dressmaker to support her family. She used to say “Children are your greatest joy and your greatest heartache.”
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately, as we have an 8-year-old daughter and are currently expecting twin boys. I’ve been asked a lot if I plan to go back to work. Of course I am. I love my children, but just as when I had my daughter, I can’t imagine not working everyday. I’m not crazy about waking up to go to work too, just like you mentioned, but I love doing what I do everyday. Plus it makes sitting through an hour of my daughter’s ice skating practice a few times a week much more palatable. It gives me more patience when I help her with her homework after school. But when spending several days in a row with her trying to keep her entertained, such as during school breaks, I’m ready to go back to work.
Well, after reading this, I can guarantee you that there is no way in a million years I would ever hire Penelope Trunk to stack dishes, let alone do anything leveraging real responsibility, knowing she is perpetually one offhanded comment away from a total psychotic break.
If this was some sort of fiendishly clever way to role-play an example of why one should never completely and utterly lose one’s shit in one’s blog, then well played, Ms. Trunk! But I suspect not, and I’ll take the lesson learned as coincidentally good career advice from a poor career advisor.
I don’t think she lost her shit… she responded to someone publicly implying that she doesnt like her children. That’s pretty low and I think it illustrates a good point about twitter… it’s not anonymous posting on someone’s blog… it’s a live conversation and it’s important to know that your comments can be offensive. I think Penelope is just responding to that, but it had to be on her blog since it took more than 140 characters to respond.
Did DD seriously just delete all of his tweets since February 12?
does this really bother you?? Can you BLAME him?!!