I hate David Dellifield. The one from Ada, Ohio.

,

This past week was Spring Break and toward the end, somehow my ex and my nanny fell out of the picture, and I was doing a lot of taking care of the kids, which, I have said before, is not what I’m great at. I wish I were. I tried for four years to be a stay-at-home mom, only to discover that I am not meant to do that.

So, in a moment of innocent desperation, I wrote on Twitter: “No school today and the nanny’s on vacation. A whole day with the kids gets so boring: all intergalactic battles and no intellectual banter.”

I almost didn’t post that Twitter because it’s so banal.

But, in just seconds, because that’s how Twitter works, there was a firestorm of men telling me that I’m a bad mom. Really. Yes.

Here’s one from David Dellifield:
“@penelopetrunk sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we’ll enjoy them for who they are”

I couldn’t believe it. It’s one thing to be a total asshole to me on, say, Yahoo Finance, where someone used to spend a good portion of each day making sure that the C word did not appear in the comments for either Suze Orman’s column or mine. (The best days were when the C word appeared in a way that linked us. Really, those were some creative commenters on Yahoo Finance.) The difference between Twitter and Yahoo is that Twitter is intimate, and real-time, and pointed directly at me, not at the editorial board of Yahoo.

Like many people who are total assholes online, David’s contact info was easy to find. I called him at work, because, big surprise, he is not a stay-at-home dad talking about how everyone should love parenting. He is a dad who is not home all day talking about how everyone should love being home all day with their kids.

There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.

Then I called David Dellifield’s house. I thought maybe his wife would answer and I could ask her if she knows that her husband is emailing other women to encourage them to send more kids to his wife to take care of. All day.

There was no answer. Maybe by then he had alerted his wife that he is being pursued by a psycho who maybe will kill her kids or maybe will kill him. Maybe they will never answer their phone again.

So I wrote to David — a “direct message” in Twitter terminology: “I’m surprised by what you wrote. Are you intentionally being mean to me in a public forum?”

He wrote back: “no, but it seemed you were complaining about your children on an open forum, kids have faults, lets love for who they are”

So here’s the problem: Parents need to be able to say that parenting is not fun. The day-in and day-out of parenting is very, very difficult. This is not even news. There is a reason for the reams of research showing that having kids does not make people happier.

Daniel Gilbert, psychologist at Harvard, writes in Time magazine that we trick ourselves into thinking kids make us happy.

Nattavudh Powdthavee, an economist at the University of York, published research in The Psychologist, that concludes, “Social scientists have found almost zero association between having children and happiness.”

Scott Stanley, a psychologist at University of Denver, reveals research that shows that marriages are much happier before the couple has children.

So first of all, anyone who says that parenting makes them happy is probably lying. Just statistically speaking. But also, we know the people who are well positioned to like parenting. There are sixteen personality types, and only a handful are perfectly tuned for staying home with kids.

People can have competing feelings. For example, I love my job but I hate getting up and going to work every day. Or, I love this blog but I often have to force myself to sit down and write a post.

Competing feelings happen to healthy people everywhere. St. Augustine called this dualism; mommy bloggers call it reality.

It’s a big deal that women are writing publicly, in real time, about how difficult it is to stay home with kids. Look, I get emails every day from women who left the workforce for kids and feel lost. Here’s the blog of a woman who wrote to me two days ago: The Reluctantly Frustrated Stay-at-Home Mom.

These women feel lost because you can love your kids and still be bored. Kids are not nonstop fun. Talking with young children is stultifying. Yes, they are funny. But in general, you have to pay attention to them every second, even though they are not really doing something every second.

And as soon as your mind wanders too far, something bad happens. For example, I took the kids on a hike yesterday, taking a coat for myself but not for them. Because I checked out. Because I wanted to think about things that are more interesting than coats. This is normal behavior. I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that’s not something kids give.

This does not mean I don’t love my kids. Only an asshole would suggest that because I don’t want to stay home with them all day, I must not love them.

And all you people who say you’d love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit.

I know because I was living at the poverty line in NYC while I stayed home with my kids. That’s how important it was to me to stay home. I wanted to be with them for every moment, be a great mom, all that. So I did it no matter what — no financial situation could have stopped me.

And if you really wanted to be home with your kids all day, you’d do it. David: That means you, too. But, newsflash: going to work is 10,000 times easier than staying with kids all day. Yes, I know, staying with kids is more important. I agree. So is saving children from starvation in Malawi. But we each do what we can. And the best of us are honest about it.

For all you guys who Twittered back to me that I’m a bad mom and that I should love being home with my kids, here’s a link for you: CEOs who are on Twitter. Because let me tell you something: None of these people needs to earn the money they are earning. They have enough money. They can stay home with their kids. But instead, they are at work.

David, can you publicly ask each of these guys if they want to send their kids to your wife in Ohio? Because each of these guys is choosing to go to work instead of stay home with their kids. Do you know why? BECAUSE THE CEOs THINK KIDS ARE BORING. This is not news. The top 10% of the tax bracket system does not need to leave their families to go to work every day. But they do. Why is that?

Here’s another idea, David. How about approaching all those guys with Blackberries at soccer games? Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they’re getting a blow job? Of course not. Do you know why? Because it’s INTERESTING. They are checking their blackberries during soccer because soccer is boring. The kids can’t figure out where the goal is. The kids and their parents lose interest. They want snacks more than they want to learn soccer. They are cute, yes. But even cute gets boring.

Here’s another Twitter from David Dellifield: “been on twitter several months, still trying to figure out the conversation part of it”

@DavidDellifield Maybe you don’t understand the conversation because you have so little self-knowledge to add to the party.

562 replies
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  1. Melissa
    Melissa says:

    Re: the comments about how PT should be expecting comments like this for posting personal information in a public forum… are you serious? That’s like saying women should expect to be raped if they’re wearing short skirts. Just because she chooses to put out personal information doesn’t give him the right to be rude and judgmental. If he does, such in this case, she has every right to fight back. You could reverse the logic and decide that because his personal phone numbers are online he should be expecting crazy phone calls. It’s essentially the same thing… you can’t find one right and the other wrong. It’s hypocritical.

    I agree with the majority of the post. My fiance and I want to have kids. However, I had a violent parent and know that I internalized her behavior as the way mothers act. There is always the possibility I could be a violent parent as well. However, with that self-awareness I have been able to determine that I will never and can never be a stay at home parent. However, my fiance would make an excellent stay at home Dad and is actually looking forward to it. That sort of self-awareness is what makes good parents. PT is probably a good parent because she has the self-awareness to KNOW how she can be the best parent to her children. There is no one-size-fits-all here. The best parent I can be is to be near my future children only in the evenings and on the weekends and to spend the rest of the time providing for my family. The best parent my fiance can be is to be around the children almost all the time, teaching them and playing with them everyday. We are different people and have different strengths. Raising a family is much like working life: the more you’re able to match people’s strengths and interests to the job at hand, the better they will perform. Likewise, if the person has a major weakness, you keep them off that project. It’s about honesty and using self-awareness to create the best end product, not about forcing yourself to fit a societal mold to create a product you might not be happy with at the end.

    And, I love your blog. My best friend and I are on opposites sides of the US and frequently call to talk about your recent controversial posts. I don’t always agree with you but am always entertained.

    • John McG
      John McG says:

      “That’s like saying women should expect to be raped if they’re wearing short skirts. ”

      Yes, a rude tweet is exactly like rape…

      My goodness…

  2. Melissa
    Melissa says:

    P.S. Could somebody contact DD? I’d love to hear both his and his wife’s response to this.

  3. Shannon
    Shannon says:

    Wow, Penelope, I’ve known you are a bitch (based on things you’ve written yourself online) for a while, but now you’ve proven that you’re a crazy bitch.

    You called someone at WORK and at HOME because he dared to insult you online. Then you wrote an entire blog rant calling him out by name and almost posted his phone number online!! And you give people career advice. You seriously need to reevaluate your life.

  4. James
    James says:

    This is nothing like a skirt wearing woman getting raped.

    This IS like a beautiful super model that’s made a fortune branding herself as a fashion diva being caught looking trashy during a show, then hunting down the critics that call her out for it… calling them at home and trying to harass their families.

    PT uses her “I’m a mom and blogger and expert in my field” persona to sell her product, which is basically herself. When she writes a post about successfully balancing work and home life, personal and work life, or personal and home life people laud her for it and tell her what a good job she’s doing. She puts herself out there to be critiqued. DD did not investigate some random person that didn’t want their personal information shared, he simply commented on someone that sells herself and the events in her life when he disagreed with something she said.

    This is no different than a model wearing a dull outfit or a popstar coming out with a bad CD. PT’s product is herself and that opens her up to criticism. How the popstar or model handles the situation is what is remembered.

    Honestly who did she think had more to lose with this post, some random guy on the internet that none of us know or her? I don’t know DD, people don’t read DD’s blog, only SHE stands to lose.

  5. Jodi
    Jodi says:

    God you are just fabulous :-) Thanks for being truthful with your feelings!! so few people are :-) and to the people posting that she is being too harsh back…um…. have you ever heard of venting….that’s what her post is, only she vented publically and brilliantly I might add.

    • Michael D. Hall
      Michael D. Hall says:

      So, uh, calling someone’s place of work and home is “venting” now huh? What would acting rashly be called then?

      I missed that part on my first response, I misread the post the first time through. Now I realize that Ms. Trunk has anger management issues. I hope you do to and consider that in the future. Harassing someone is not acceptable. And, please do consider what you would *honestly* think is this were a man pursuing the opinions of a woman as harshly and vindictively. “You go girl” doesn’t seem to apply here, as David held no power over her and was actually quite irrelevant and inconsequential. (No offense there, David)

  6. anji
    anji says:

    funny… last month he randomly tweeted “just because you have the gift of criticism doesn’t mean you always need to use it.” it appears he didn’t listen to his own advice.

    • Amy
      Amy says:

      For the record, that was the daily calendar page for – don’t sweat the small stuff –
      Just keeping it real on David’s originality….

  7. Rachel
    Rachel says:

    I agree with your general argument, but the vengeful hatred you spewed at this man completely mars their impact. Destroying this man didn’t add anything to the discussion, and in fact has completely detracted from it.

    Online humiliation and harassment is not acceptable. Ever. Be truthful: this isn’t you wanting to honestly discuss the issue of parenting. It’s you trying to heal a bruised ego. Or perhaps even more truthfully, it’s you trying to heal a bruised ego by using sensationalist blog posts to generate traffic to make you feel better about yourself, with the added bonus of simultaneously kicking the person who offended you to the curb in the process?

    Very professional.

  8. Jason J Denis
    Jason J Denis says:

    Best…blog entry…EVER! Thanks “Penelope”! Very few mothers/parents have the balls…er, courage to say what you have. Few have the self-awareness to recognize such feelings. Fewer yet are strong enough to admit it to themselves let alone say it aloud to their partners and/or closest friend(s)…or, in your case, in a public forum online! My wife and I often contemplate whether or not we are “bad” for not choosing to procreate. Turns out we simply don’t have the interest and that doesn’t make us bad. Besides, it’s been done to death! We respect (perhaps it’s fear) the sacrifices and the subsequent loss of freedom and flexibility in one’s life that comes with such a 20-year commitment.

    With that said, I pray for your own sake (as a writer) that you don’t always take criticism from online strangers so personally. Then again, your response made for a terribly entertaining entry (and numerous responses!), which is the likely the goal of most any blogger.

  9. Sidney
    Sidney says:

    Wow, you showed him! Of course you look totally mean spirited, psychotic with incredibly deep rooted insecurities, while your “fans” are certainly masked as being a few tacos short of a combo plate, but at least you can sleep better at night now. Right?

    And hey, you didn’t discount his opinions like you did previously by calling a critic “fat”. Remember that one? An oldie but a goodie. Made you looked absolutely horrible as a person. Happened in April. Maybe you need to not post in this month.

    Oh, and as for destroyed, some of you spend too much time online. I doubt he is a destroyed man because some unhinged writer that only .001 % of America knows about wrote a blog piece about him. She looks worse than he does. Add in the fact this has been done before by Penelope and I would say David is the one who comes out of this better.

  10. Jim
    Jim says:

    Penelope once again shows that she is a self-absorbed bully who can’t take it when someone disagrees with her drivel. Given her history, is this a surprise to anyone?

  11. Ariel
    Ariel says:

    So Jim…why do you keep reading her blog? I’m not being facetious; if you really think it’s drivel, don’t read it. Why stick around only to lob insults?

    • Bemused
      Bemused says:

      Ariel, this is the first (and last) time I’ve read this blog, but I think I can safely assume that she is in fact a “self-absorbed bully who can’t take it when someone disagrees with her drivel”. Her actions were totally unacceptable, and she should remember that stalking can go both ways.

  12. Anonymous and no longer subscribed to your blog
    Anonymous and no longer subscribed to your blog says:

    Wow… someone disagreed with you online and you took such deep offense that you nearly began stalking them? And then blogged about it in a very hurtful, personal way?

    I agree with a point you made in the post that we do often convince ourselves we need to be happy with our kids and they are the root of all happiness.

    But I, on a very personal ethical basis, disagree with your handling of the situation, which really boils down to one person’s opinion that simply doesn’t align with your own. This is one of the realities of discussion on the Internet, made all the more (or less depending on how you look it at) amusing at the children who so quickly become so deeply affronted. And this was certainly entirely childish.

    -Posting anonymously just in case you decide to stalk me too. :(

  13. Maria Gunnarsdottir
    Maria Gunnarsdottir says:

    I have to admit your reaction seems totally out of proportion with his comment. It really makes it look like he hit a nerve (truth hurts and all that) – and in my opinion your reaction isn’t flattering for you at all. People don’t generally react this extremely unless the point really hit home.

    Every parent knows staying at home with your kids full time is extremely hard – but that wasn’t the issue here. The issue was you staying home for ONE day with them. You really can’t compare being a SAHM with that.

    Kids aren’t “intellectually stimulating” most of the time – but what about just enjoying the time-out from that and making the most of the time you do get with your kids.

    I have two kids and work full time – and I know I couldn’t be a SAHM. But I do cherish the time I DO get to spend with my kids.

    Getting off my soap box now. I do understand where you’re coming from, but knowing people who desperately want kids but can’t, knowing people who have lost a child, knowing people with extremely sick children who require round-the-clock care – I just cannot even begin to agree with you or feel sorry for you having to spend a day with your kids.

    • jesus...
      jesus... says:

      She very obviously can’t enjoy the time she spends with her kids, and feels guilty about it. So she researches studies and links to the ones that say your not /supposed/ to enjoy spending time with your kids. Then calls bullshit on anyone who says they do, indeed, enjoy spending time with their kids.

      “I can’t handle a reality in which people get to experience joy in an area inaccessible to me!” she wails. “Therefor, these people are liars, and must be exposed!”

      And that little shit Dellifield is gonna suffer for that flip comment that made her feel inferior on Twitter.

      Hey presto! Blind rage feels much better than guilt. Even though the fact that she felt guilty in the first place is her only redeeming feature in this farce. But never mind.

      “For I am an Intellectual!”

  14. Isha
    Isha says:

    Dear PT,

    You are okay. And you make an okay mom. Its about making consistent decisions consistently right? And you make it, every time you decide not to post the rugrats to some boarding school in the middle of Scotland, or to David’s house in OHIO. So you are okay. And this blog post was justified. I guess he will become a meme in due time. When mom’s complain about wanting a night to themselves and the dad’s dont comply: Women can say, hey dont be a david dellifield, or dont get all Dellifieldy on me. :P Or maybe those annoying non-complacent partner (male or female) will be refered to as Dellic*s. Hope this cheered you up. I love your posts.

    IA

  15. Kat
    Kat says:

    BRILLIANT post!

    I don’t have much invested in the parenting debate here, but this touches on a huge issue, indirectly. Many of the more vitriolic commenters are angry that Penelope “overreacted” to a “mere tweet”…

    And, even though she never actually mentions what she intended to say to him (other than a bit of obvious sarcasm), commenters are “shocked” that she was going to call and “harass” him.

    When I read the initial post, I thought that perhaps she was going to give him a chance to apologize and explain himself before publicly eviscerating him. Which she certainly did…and to that, I say hurrah.

    The biggest lesson here is, anything you post to the internet using your real name *can* and *will* be used against you. Any whining about whether the guy “deserves” this googlebomb of a post or not is ridiculous. If this guy wanted to make snarky, mean comments to a public figure, he should use a disposable email and an account that doesn’t reference his real name. It’s not Penelope’s fault that he is clearly an idiot about using social networks. She is just using him as a convenient example.

    Just this morning, I had a conversation with the woman in the cubicle next to me about a member of management friending her on facebook over the weekend, and I mentioned that is why I have not friended any co-workers on facebook (it’s the only site I use where I have my full real name, so I use the highest privacy settings and am extremely conservative about what I post there)….these are the issues that all internet-savvy folks spend time thinking about these days.

    This also reminds me of last month’s twitter-controversy about “Cisco Fatty”: http://blog.datamation.com/blog/2009/03/cisco-fatty-you.html

    We will only see more of these stories. Most people don’t “get it”…the internet is NOT a private club. If you make public posts, even if it’s “just twitter”, you can lose your job, your clients, or even end up with the first google hit for your name as a blog post going on about what an idiot you are.

    Anyone who is ignorant of the realites of social networking, and a troll, deserves to be called out and destroyed on google. Yes, it is

    • Michael D. Hall
      Michael D. Hall says:

      Hey Kat, way to double standard there! What you are saying is equivalent to “she shouldn’t have gone to the bar dressed like that”. She didn’t just eviscerate the guy on his blog, she pursued him. She went after him, she chased him down and was going to embarrass him by calling his wife. Your bias is showing very clearly. The post was not brilliant, it was petty and disturbing. And before you toss me off completely, my initial reaction was sympathetic, but after reading some of the responses and re-reading her post I realized that this wasn’t just a harmless little web banter. And why don’t I simply ignore this and go away? Because this is a dangerous behavior, and the mindless bleeting of her version of “dittoheads” is honestly disturbing. Ms. Trunk has a widely-heard and listened to voice, and when she gets up and cries for blood for the slightest insult the ramifications can be longer felt than the original posting intended.

      PT, you might feel high-and-mighty for knocking-down this misogynistic female-oppressing woman hater, but consider the ramifications on his future job or personal searches. Your posts rank very high on Google searches, and I’m sure in short-time his name will appear higher on a search for his name than his LinkedIn profile (I don’t know if he has one, that’s just an example). Was the insult that severe that you are willing to damage this man’s future prospects and generally impugn his integrity? I’d like to hope not.

      Ms. Trunk, please remove his name from the posting. Or at least use his initials instead of his full-name.

      • Kat
        Kat says:

        I see a lot of bile and accusations in your reply, Mr. Hall, but no logic whatsoever. Your “double standard” comment is not logical, and makes absolutely no sense. You use a “shocking” statement about women “asking for rape”, as a logical assertion? You are saying absolutely nothing there.

        The only “double standard” I see is yours: “/unfollow @penelopetrunk because cyber-bullying is not cool http://bit.ly/qRRKf really, you categorize that under “fulfillment, women”?” …this is a direct quote from your twitter.

        So, to follow YOUR logic: cyber-bullying OF Penelope Trunk is fine, but cyber-bullying BY Penelope Trunk deserves punishment. Hmm. Now THAT looks like a double standard to me.

        I really should know better than to feed the trolls, but that one was too hilariously obvious.

    • Bill
      Bill says:

      Hmmm, no, I’m pretty sure the biggest lesson here is that PT is irrational.

      “There was no answer at his work. But I noted the number so I could ruin his life there if I ever felt like he needed to be taught a lesson.”

      If David is a lawyer, or has a lawyer buddy, she may be hearing from him.

      • lbutlr
        lbutlr says:

        Oh Bill, you silly goose, there is nothing illegal about ruining someone else’s life. Get a clue.

  16. Natalie
    Natalie says:

    The other Sunday I had to work all day. My husband took the kids and I didn’t see them all day. It was bliss!

    I work from home and there are days when encarceration and a straight jacket sound like the makings of a good holiday.

    I manage the PR of a parenting expert/psychologist/author who I feel like I should be paying instead of the opposite because among the other stuff I have learned from her, she says that parents should not feel guilty if they don’t want to play with their children (if anyone wants to know more about her book about no such thing as the perfect parent: http://colourfulwords.blogspot.com/2009/04/are-you-as-tired-of-child-raising-as-i.html)

    Why do people have to judge parents for being human!

    • John McG
      John McG says:

      PT is not a stay-at-home mom who got to the end of her rope — she is someone who works full time, and was so horrified at the prospect of spending a single day in the company of her children that she chose to blog about it.

      She has managed to tap into the frustration that SAHM’s fell about their days, wrap herself up in it, and claim solidarity to justify herself.

      Frustrated SAHM’s who think they have a friend in PT are likely in for a rude disappointment.

    • John McG
      John McG says:

      If your husband fouind this one day of child care so daunting that he felt the need to complain about it on the Internet, my suspicion is that you and others might “have to judge parents for being human!”

  17. Pam Baggett
    Pam Baggett says:

    I *so* agree with this post! And I’m a grandmother who adores my grandsons–for short periods of time.

  18. 1WineDude
    1WineDude says:

    I love your blog.

    In my mind, your blog makes other blogs call it “mother” and they mow your blog’s lawn, and then their blogs pay *your* blog a dollar when they’re done.

    But I found this post, while intriguing, a bit mean-spirited. People get called out unfairly on twitter all of the time – I’m just not sure that the magnitude of the punishment in this case is aligned to that of the crime…

  19. Ardith
    Ardith says:

    Provocative post, this one. The opinions appear to be only either for or against Penelope’s response to David (virtually nothing in between), while fairly aligned regarding the reality of parenting.

    So is her outing of David simple tit-for-tat? One-upsmanship? Cyber plus real stalking? Some new style of online justice? Because when the gloves come off, does anyone really win? And just because you can go there online, should you?

  20. Family Homework Answers
    Family Homework Answers says:

    The same people (usually men) that expect women to loooove staying home with kids all day are the same people that think being an elementary school teacher is easy. My feeling is, until you have done either thing (spent weeks on end at home with little kids or tried to teach and control 34 fifth graders)- be quiet! You have no idea what you are talking about.

  21. TheDailyBlonde
    TheDailyBlonde says:

    FINALLY someone who put a Twitter jackass in his place besides me. HOORAY. I think your post is phenomenal. I think David Dellifield is an self righteous asswipe and I don’t even know him.

    I am a single mom of 5. Three are still at home. I adore them…and have a blast with them. I think I’m a great Mom but you know what, I’m tired. Sometimes I just want to not talk or not make a snack or NOT listen to one more story about who made it to jump rope finals.

    Am I a bad mom? Hell, no. But I’m a real person. Any of these “mommys” out there that pretend that they take joy in poopy diapers because it’s “Cute”…well, they do heavy drugs.

    You’re awesome.

  22. Grace
    Grace says:

    I just found out about my husbands affair.
    I work a lot, he’s stay at home (he can’t hold down a job).
    When the other woman said I must be having my own affair.
    I could handle her made-up accusations.
    But when she challeneged my love for my children, and said she would be a better parent because she’d be at home, that sent me into crazy world.
    I don’t agree with Penelope’s public display of defensiveness, but I understand it.

  23. A. Swerdlow
    A. Swerdlow says:

    Actually Ardith, my bet is that PT will be driving to Ada, Ohio wearing an adult diaper so she doesn’t have to stop to pee…she will be stearing with one hand and twittering with the other. Earbuds tightly in her ears with her Ipod blaring. Loud enough so that she can’t hear her intellectually challenged kids in the back pleading with her to stop and turn around…This whole PT episode is sounding more and more like a Twitter version of the Lisa Nowak story…it would make a great Lifetime Channel movie.

    For all of those kindhearted people worried about poor David’s reputation, I would say the following: Approximately 98% of all those who would read any of the posts including David’s original Tweet, would side with him, laugh hysterically and assume that PT is a woman scorned in great need of a very patient therapist. Of course, you would expect that those that blog and read this post are much more sympathetic to PT’s irrational behavior than the public at large.

  24. jenniferlynn
    jenniferlynn says:

    okay, so maybe I wouldn’t have recommended calling the guy, but still! With the ludicrous expectations placed on mothers, is it any wonder that sometimes, when someone is an a-hole about it, they get really, really mad? Maybe more people should get angry. Maybe we need a little indignation every now and then.

    But to the real point. I am childless and in my 20s, so I have no direct experience. But I keep hearing from mothers that no one ever told them just how hard it would be– harder than relationships, career, anything else– and how impossibly high the standards are. And as someone on the outside, it seems that people react really hatefully to women who tell the truth about how much it sucks. The men, I get. They are vested in keeping things as they are. But the vitriol from other women is horrifying and confusing to me. I was watching Oprah on dvr the other day, and one of her guests said, “We love our kids, but sometimes we hate motherhood.” Why isn’t okay to admit it? Moms? Thoughts?

    • jesus...
      jesus... says:

      It’s fine to sometimes hate motherhood.

      It’s also fine to flip your shit and snipe back at an inconsiderate tweet.

      It’s not fine to harass, bully, and stalk people off the internet because you /can/. People trying to justify this have to stop for a second and really think about what they’re condoning.

      For instance, how would you feel if someone you were a bit rude to online decided it would be okay to use their own car to wait on a public street outside your workplace and tail you home when you left?

      Fucking violated, that’s how.

      She /called/ his /wife/ and his /workplace/. She posted a barely-veiled /threat/ to ruin his life with the information she tracked down. And then she clumsily hinted that it would be easy for other people to stalk him in what I can only imagine was a brief moment of lucid realisation that, Oh hey! She has a lot to lose if /she/ pursues this, but maybe she could sucker her /followers/ into doing it for her… .

      And her loyalists applaud her for it. “Well done for giving that jerk what-for. Well done with your internet stalking. Well done for figuring out that there might be repercussions and trying to…use…us…”.

      Sorry, Ms. Trunk is poisonous. Go find another Champion. Even on the /off-chance/ that their might be something to the argument this is all kinds of wrong, people should be running the other way. You deserve a better role-model.

      • devnet
        devnet says:

        Hey, he put himself out there by throwing that tweet in her face thinking he knew the ins and outs of a person after 140 character or less tweet.  Hooray for her calling him on his ignorant post.

  25. lbutlr
    lbutlr says:

    You went waaaaaaaaay too easy on Dave. I mean seriously, he was a del-righteous asshole and he deserves much worse. Perhaps we should verbify his name?

    “Sorry I was such a dellifield last night; I guess I need to stop after 6 shots of tequila!”

  26. A. Swerdlow
    A. Swerdlow says:

    Gee Weez, Jenniferlynn! You are making motherhood sound like rocket science. Neither fatherhood nor motherhood is a new invention of the 21st century. Believe it or not, and I’m cuttin ya some slack given that you are in your 20s…motherhood/fatherhood has been around for quite some time now. I hate to make this crass comparison, but you can say that having kids and rearing children is a bit like eating, drinking, taking a crap or having sex. You’re kinda born with the ability to do it. Your not Mother Teresa for working some boring office job (or worse yet, sitting at home on your ass drinking lattes and typing on your cute little mac book)and having a kid! Now, if you want to really see rugged, tough women in action, go to the third world where most of the world’s women live. No washing machines, no contraceptives, no HVAC, but lots of kids…oh, and by the way, they have to work 12 hours a day in hard physical labor too. Life is tough and procreating is a part of life. Get off your superficial, American, spoiled rotten, entitlement, ADD mentality and grow the F up! That goes for you too PT!

    Note to David: you, my friend, are a hero to a whole lot of people out there…including most of the world’s REAL women.

  27. Cynthia
    Cynthia says:

    Penelope – Your post is a ridiculous example of over-reacting. You made a comment about your kids on a public forum like Twitter, and somebody shares their opinion with you in a non-threatening (albeit somewhat smug) way and you flip out. Why would you let this D-bag have that much control over you? In trying to make your case for being a strong woman, you are instead showing how much of a raving lunatic you are. Maybe his comment hit too close to home.

  28. michelle
    michelle says:

    Wow. I am laughing that totally bewildered, slightly-awed, head-shaking laugh. I LOVE the way you astonish me so regularly, Penelope. You are a seriously kick-ass writer. That said, I wonder if you’ll regret this post at some point. I’m not suggesting you will, or even that you necessarily should. Really, I’m just wondering.

    The cool part is, if you do regret it, I’m pretty sure we’ll hear about that, too. Because you say what’s so for you. It’s bold. Brazen. I totally dig it.

    I’m feeling a little sad for David. Because sometimes I say stuff, in the heat of one perspective-lens I’m looking through (maybe one of his kids was just really sick or something and he’s super-present with his “loving father” lens right now) that I wouldn’t get all mighty about at another time. Maybe that happened for David on Twitter at that moment. If so, it’s just a bummer for him the way things played out as a result.

    Thanks for modeling this fancy new “transparency” concept in ways way beyond most of our imaginations.

  29. Jessica
    Jessica says:

    I just want to say that you are inspiring! I give you tons of credit to do this and call out someone in this manner. It’s beyond perfect. Go you!

  30. Greenman2001
    Greenman2001 says:

    Excuse me, are you complaining about someone being mean to you in a public forum? You’re the woman who told your readers that your husband didn’t like to go down on you and you should have recognized that as a sign the marriage wouldn’t work. You’re in the game now, baby: how’s it feel?

  31. A. Swerdlow
    A. Swerdlow says:

    Hey All, I would suggest that anyone that feels for David and thinks he is in the right on this should get on Twitter right now and follow him. I just sent him a word of encouragement and told him that most of us here are on his side.

    By the way, Greenman2001 is so RIGHT about PT! Nicely put Greenman!

  32. Joe
    Joe says:

    Anybody want to give Penelope Trunk a dose of her own medicine? Here’s her address and phone number:

    1121 Elizabeth St
    Madison, WI 53703
    phone: 917 853 7772

  33. jojo
    jojo says:

    I’m not sure what to say about this post. On the one hand, I somewhat agree with your points about being a stay at home mom. It isn’t the most fun job in the world and kids are hard. On the other hand, I can’t believe how you reacted to this David guy. Obviously what he said really upset you, but writing an entire post about it, listing his information and calling him on the phone was way out of line. You put your personal life out there on Twitter, expect a response and don’t get mad when you get one that you don’t like. As a blogger, a well-read one at that, you have a lot of power. You can write whatever you want with no editor to tell you what you can and can’t do. You took this power way too far with this one. Even if I agree with your points, which to a certain extent I do, I could never enjoy this post knowing how it came to be.

  34. Feck You
    Feck You says:

    Penelope,

    You are truly a cunt.

    Here’s my phone number in case you want to cyber-harass me:

    1-800-FECK-YOU

    Thanks.

  35. Barbara
    Barbara says:

    Dear Penelope:
    Thank you for your best post ever. I think the anger comes out from others because you are telling a truth that not everyone wants to admit. Thanks for being brave enough to tell it!

  36. Joel Gross
    Joel Gross says:

    Perhaps I am also an “evil” man, but I don’t really think his twitter was meant to hurt you. However, your post and public attack on some guy you don’t know the first thing about is meant to hurt him. What if this David guy is actually a really legitimately good guy and one silly stray thought he put on Twitter ends up costing him his job or friends?

    I actually have also written personal attacks of people on my blog (who have done much worse than write a stupid Twitter comment), but I have usually come to regret it.

    Don’t bring any more hate into this world than already exists.

  37. Marci
    Marci says:

    YES YES YES…We can love our children and yet not think they are intellectually stimulating!

    I love that the people who come to bash everything you ever say are quick to be critical when you strike back. Double standards abound. “Don’t bring any more hate into the world…” Good grief. As the mother of boys around the same age as Penelope’s, I’ve never met a boy who cares if he is intellectually stimulating or not, so let’s not lose any sleep over the boys reading the tweets!

  38. Frank
    Frank says:

    I have to say that this is reaction really undercuts your credibility — both as a parent and as a career coach.

    The guy made a mistake. Called you out on something you didn’t want to get called out on. Sure. But what kind of overreaction was calling him? Publishing his name. Harassing him?

    I don’t have anything to say about how you raise your kids. What you do is up to you, and you and only you will have to live with the consequences of your choices. But the career aspect.

    Is going nuclear part of the Gen Y advice you’d dispense? Is going off and calling a guy who left a comment the kind of thing you want the next generation to get from you? Is this the kind of behavior you’d like your investors to consider?

    This is so far from professional behavior it’s mind boggling. You can do what you want as a parent — but as an ostensible business “leader” it’s questionable at best, and juvenile at worst. I’d expect this kind of thing from a 13-year-old. You’re way too old for this. You should know better.

  39. Sarah D
    Sarah D says:

    *STANDING OVATION*

    This guy opened himself up to public ridicule the minute he posted a public comment in a 100% public arena, and TO a public figure (and an utterly witless comment at that… I mean, “send your kids to Ohio?!” What a tosser!!). Why shouldn’t Penelope be allowed a public response? Why should she ignore a comment directed at her? And as batting back a response to such a complex (and universal) issue in a meagre 140 characters would have been completely inappropriate, then it seems to me her blog was the best forum. This is an issue which affects many, many women who dare to have an opinion online.

    The real problem is that this little guy *thought* he could get away with a sly little personal dig. Maybe he usually gets away with this kind of behaviour offline. But his comment is symptomatic of a huge social issue, and he also under-estimated the medium and the recipient of that comment. How unaware can you be? A well-deserved lesson, and a completely justified response.

    It is fantastic, inspiring, encouraging and quite frankly a relief to read posts like this. It’s a master class in how to deal with trolls, and if it makes one asshole stop and think before levelling a sly below-the-belt dig, then it’s a good thing.

  40. bhline
    bhline says:

    Not sure which I enjoyed more – the actual post or the comments.

    Good for you for getting mad, we all need that occasionally. As a Therapist I’m getting sick of people never showing any emotion except those that are socially acceptable – then trying to figure out why they feel so bad. Maybe if we all got a little angry and did something harmless – writing it out on a blog – we’d feel a bit better about the day to day.

    :) I am glad you kept off the phone number though.

    • not really
      not really says:

      Ahh, she didn’t really keep is phone number out, she posted his full name and more than enough address for any of her sheeple to find it.

    • A. Swerdlow
      A. Swerdlow says:

      Bhline, someone should post your real name and phone…to make sure that if they ever need a therapist they don’t end up with someone like you! Terrible advice, terrible insights and worst of all, a very juvenile analysis of the situation…Maybe half of PT’s problems originate from the fact that she is listening to her therapist too much…maybe her therapist shares your approach to anger management and problem resolution.

  41. Matt
    Matt says:

    I posted a follow-up to this post. In short, I feel like her intentions were good as Penelope strives to present an observation society’s judgmental nature, specifically of parents, but I think it was handled poorly and that the whole reaction was out of line and over the top. Yes, David was a jerk, but come on – to go to these lengths?

    I encourage you all to share your thoughts here as well, I would especially appreciate opinions from a ‘motherly’ perspective – I’m interested to see if other mothers would consider reacting in this way, and where they stand on the issue.

    For the record – I respect Penelope and have been a reader for a while now and I am heavily involved in the Brazen community – also, I in NO WAY question her love for her children and that she is an outstanding mother and supremely successful entrepreneur.

    http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/blogging/rule-176-of-being-a-blogger-learn-how-to-take-criticism/

  42. Kellie
    Kellie says:

    I am trying not to judge what I have read here. If I had read your tweet, I would have been sad. I know you don’t need me to feel sad for you, but honestly, I just do. I don’t think you are a bad mom, so please don’t misunderstand what I said above. There is no judging when it comes to that. You just aren’t the mom that I would want. If something ever happened to me and my husband re-married, I pray to God he marries a woman who finds the joy in children also. One who focuses on the good and not the challenge.

    Yeah, kids are hard sometimes. Kids are annoying sometimes. Kids are not intellectually stimulating sometimes. Having that attitude about children everyday? I just don’t get it. My brain does not begin to understand the attitude that children are such a drag even though we love them. Do you not think your kids don’t know you feel that way? If it’s everyday, then they know it, now matter how hard you try to hide it.

    It’s one freaking day. You couldn’t enjoy ONE day with your children? That one day on your own, without help, was just so boring?

    Well, you know what? How do you think your kids felt that day? I’m sure you still at least pretended to be the awesome mom that you are despite being annoyed that you had no Nanny and no ex to help out. I am sure that your kids didn’t sense any dissatisfaction in you at all.

    I am not the perfect mom. I fail daily. I yell when I don’t mean to sometimes. I don’t give 100% attention when my 6-year-old is telling me a story because I am thinking about something else. I forget to brush teeth every now and then. I make mac and cheese FROM.THE.BOX (gasp) on days that have been crazy. You know what though, those days are not everyday. Most days, I LOVE being home with my kids. I find such joy in their happiness. To combat the craziness of being home alone, with no adults to talk to, we do a lot of things out of the house.

    One day I just realized that when my children grew up, I wanted them to be able to tell their friends, spouses, children, or whomever, that they had such an awesome childhood and they felt like they took the number one spot on our list of what was important. They are human beings and will always take top priority. If I have to juggle a gazillion things to do that, I will. I make time for myself and make sure it’s enough that I feel fulfilled. My husband and I work hard and make time for each other and that we are happy. If making sure they feel like they are number one makes me feel like I am number two sometimes, then I will gladly do it.

    When did this thinking start that we had to always make sure our needs were being met before everyone else? Seems kind of selfish to me and to be honest, it doesn’t seem to be working. Men, women, and children seem more unhappy today then ever before.

    • TheDailyBlonde
      TheDailyBlonde says:

      Kellie–I love what you wrote in your comment. Most of the time, I’m very snarky when I write. I totally understood the nature of this post—because I’ve had odd comments come at me on Twitter and I’ve over-reacted quickly. Sometimes it’s just PMS for me.

      However, as much as I joke, I find that in all seriousness that CHILDREN are not boring…it’s usually the parents. No, I don’t want to talk or blog about diapers, sippy cups or Johnny’s day at school. I want to share those times with my children outside the “social networking” world. And I do. I actually find my children far more interesting than adults.

      Such is why I stopped dating many months ago–my eight year old holds my interest far longer than most of the men I met.

      I agree with you–but I don’t think this post was ABOUT her children so much as it was about someone making an assumption about her parenting. Lots of people feel the right to “Assume” on Twitter. I’d have probably over reacted as well.

      Great reply, though.

    • A. Swerdlow
      A. Swerdlow says:

      Great post Kellie! Usually, kids that have had this kind of upbringing continue the pattern with their own kids. If you read between the lines, you can see allot of hurt, insecurities and immaturity in PT. I’m no shrink, but I would bet allot of money that her parents (I’m assuming she had parents and was not an orphan) did not brandish her with a whole lot of love. The mix of anger, sexual dysfunction and apathy toward her own offspring are textbook examples of a crappy childhood experience. If you read her posts, she talks about how she needs alcohol to deal with her parents…

      If I read her posts correctly, she has a house manager, a nanny and God knows who else helping her run her household and raise her kids. This is a luxury that most working moms can’t afford and I would dare say would not want. It’s amazing to me that even with so many buffers designed to prevent her from doing the typical Mom “thing”, she still complains about this function. Unbelievable. No one probably knows what led to her divorce, but let me tell you something, I would say that 99% of the “good men” out there wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole. I just feel bad for her kids. I also repeat David’s insinuation that perhaps the kids would be better off in the long run somewhere else…where they are cherished, given attention and loved.

  43. Kellie
    Kellie says:

    I got off on a tangent. I meant to include my comment about the David situation. I don’t think he was that far out of line. Have you never made a comment to a statement you thought was inappropriate or preposterous? Everyone has.

    To go so far as to call him and then call his house? Um, that seems a little unstable. Who does that?

  44. Tamika
    Tamika says:

    Ok…this is one of the best blog posts I’ve ever read. It’s sobering to hear other mom’s say some of the things I feel everyday. I’ve been a stay at home mom for about 6 months now, and already I have my days when I feel like “screw it, I’m getting out of here.”

    And kudos to your response to Mr David! That was brilliant. I’m sure he’s regretting ever responding in such a distasteful manner.

  45. Adam
    Adam says:

    I think the main problem is that there’s too many of these David’s in the world. People that are way too uptight and emotionally sensitive. Penelope’s comment about guys not checking their emails via Blackberries when they’re getting blowjobs is classic!!!

    • A. Swerdlow
      A. Swerdlow says:

      Adam,
      If you think her Blackberry line is classic, witty, clever or intelligent in any possible light, then you my friend have been reading way too many blogs and not enough of anything else to know the difference. This sounds like a 15 year old’s diary entry after having been spurned by the Varsity football player in high school. Just for the fun of it, I went back and read allot of her Tweets…the same pattern appears again and again. For a 42 year old woman, she acts, writes and child rears a lot more like a grumpy, hormone imbalanced teenager than a well balanced, grounded and mature middle-aged woman.

  46. Shannon
    Shannon says:

    Matt, no, as a mom, no way would I even consider responding like PT did. I am trying to set a good example for my children. I do think before I react to a situation. No, I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes. But in this instance, Penelope obviously had time to think about what she was doing (as she googled his name for his number, dialed work, dialed home, wrote this post, edited it). This was definitely a childish, immature response. . . certainly not something I would do as a parent. Sure, I’ve been offended, insulted before. But I try to show my children how to react in a way that allows them to hold their heads up high the next day.

    • Matt
      Matt says:

      Shannon – I would love your input on my blog. Some commenters are claiming that you can’t understand her reaction unless you are a mother yourself. In my opinion, the reaction has nothing to do with being a mom, it is a moral and ethical decision made by a human being…Interested to hear more of your thoughts.

    • avant garde designer
      avant garde designer says:

      This vomitcomit tweet and her corresponding blog confirm that people (PT included) are idiots online.

      Apparently, Vomitcomit’s selling point is her liberal use of the F word, with no detracting edits. But she actually used the phrase “my f*cking daughter” to describe her child. F*CKING DAUGHTER. Ouch.

      We constantly remind Gen Y that their online transparency can get them in trouble. Yet, we don’t even think of the next generation and how what we do now can affect them long into the future. What’s going to happen when they come across all our emotional outlets, every miniscule one of them?

      PT’s little outburst is out there for good. She can edit it, even delete it, but enough people have linked to it and blogged on it further that she can never take back the words.

      Some things are best left to be talked over with a shrink. Or better yet, how about a prayer?

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