Advice from the top: Marry a stay-at-home spouse or buy the equivalent.

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I just hired someone to take care of my house for $50,000 a year: A house manager. This is in addition to the full-time nanny I have. And the cleaning service. And the assistant I have at work.

I know the first thing going through your mind is that I’m loaded and I’m lucky. But I’m not either: for instance, the house I live in is so small that I sleep in the kids’ room. I chose a house like this because I think having money to pay people to help me maintain a sane household is more important than having tons of space for tons of possessions. Having to make choices like that is what makes this topic worth writing about.

But I wasn’t sure if I was going to write at all about hiring a house manager, so I tried telling someone in person first, my friend Jason Warner, who is a director at Google. He said that that every high-level woman he’s ever worked with—at Microsoft, Starbucks, and Google—has had to pay for tons of help at home or had a stay-at-home husband or has been literally falling apart at work.

For the past year, at least, I have been in the last category—falling apart. It’s clear to me now that to be a woman competing at high levels in corporate life, you have to have people helping you. Serious help. Most men who make a lot of money and have kids also have a stay-at-home wife. She holds their world together while he focuses on work.

So I want you to know what it’s really like to be a woman competing with the men who have stay-at-home wives: Expensive. There are jokes about the hyperbole of the annual study that says that housewives are worth six-figures. I think it is not hyperbole. Those men are getting not just a house manager, but someone who adores his kids, is there all the time, and someone who is willing to have some sort of regular sex life. For all that, the estimate of $100,000 a year seems very low.

My new house manager’s specialty is families with moms who have very time-consuming jobs. I told the house manager that I’m worried that she will not be able to deal with how eccentric our family is. She says she has only dealt with eccentric families. She said the last family used to have birthday parties at breakfast instead of dinner because the mom couldn’t get home for dinner.

I told the house manager that I am always home for dinner. And violin lessons. When I’m not traveling. I felt smug. For a minute. But really, I don’t think there is an honest mom in the world who works full-time and feels smug.

I am hiring a house manager because I don’t think there is any way I can compete in my profession if I have to do things like clean up gummy bears for an hour a night, or make a toy-store run in the middle of the day for a last-minute birthday party after school.

Jason was telling me that his wife went out of town for five days. She told him he had to take time off from work. He said he didn’t want to use up vacation. He said he’d be fine.

But by the second day, he was going nuts. He said, “Penelope, it’s unbelievable. I am telling the kids I’ll be there in a minute and then I send an email. And I instant message chat while I’m driving. And I take phone calls when the kids are in the other room waiting for me. This is crazy. It’s so hard.”

But I have been doing this every day for years. That’s really what convinced me to hire the house manager. Because Jason was doing my life for four days and he thought it was crazy. And Jason is the type of guy I’m competing with in business. He has a housewife. They are a good team.

When Jason was writing guest posts on my blog I was talking with him all the time. He asked about the time stamps on my emails, he asked me when I slept (for about six months, when I started blogging, I basically stopped sleeping), and he asked me when I relaxed. Mostly I was jealous that he had someone at home taking care of so much stuff.

So now I’m not jealous. But, I have to confess something. I’m jealous of all the guys who kept a family together while they built up their career. I wish I could have done that.

So here’s my advice to women who want a big career and a stable family: You need to earn a lot of money to make that happen. I don’t know a stay-at-home dad who is seriously taking care of kids full-time, over the course of five-to-seven years, without a lot of money in the bank. And I don’t know a woman who has a huge career without money to support a bunch of people to take care of things at home.

For women, the difference between success and failure at the top of the ladder is, I think, a house manager.

174 replies
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  1. Grace
    Grace says:

    One more comment. To those who complain about this blog entry because they will never be able to afford to hire assistants, I think the message is this:

    – Recognize your limitations
    – Creatively look at your support options
    – Come up with a plan to get the help you need
    – Ask for help

    Can anyone have it all? Maybe not, but we often can have more than we settle for if we work at making the connections and getting the support.

    Do you have any skills to barter? You may not have money, but surely there are other ways to get the help. It will take work to get the systems in place, but it will be worth it.

    Last thing – I LOVED being a stay at home mom. And I now enjoy working full time outside the home. When I was home, I was more on top of housework, school stuff, etc., but I wasn’t Mary Poppins or Maria from the Sound of Music. Working inside the home doesn’t make you a better mother. In fact, because I only have a few waking hours with my children each day, I spend a great deal of time thinking about how to spend those precious moments. In some ways, I have become more present and engaging in my parenting.

  2. Grace
    Grace says:

    I have just one more thing to share.

    Why do so many people seem upset because Penelope makes money? If you spend your life resenting the success of others, that shows that you feel it is unfair – that wealth and success just happen to some lucky people. Which means that you are in your unsuccessful circumstances just because you are unlucky. And you give up control of your life because you feel “fate” has dealt you a bad card.

    Resilient people don’t resent others for their success. They learn from the success of others.

    In her blog, Penelope is constantly evaluating her life, which is another thing that resilient people do.

  3. john galt
    john galt says:

    people who read this (including me) are like the people that slow down and look when a motorcycle accident leaves a corpse in several pieces on the highway.

    It is not pretty, everyone is disgusted by it, nobody wants to say they looked, but a lot of people do and they talk about it later.

  4. deepali
    deepali says:

    Penelope, in response to your response to my comment above: I have a friend who’s made some hard decisions in life. One thing that I admire about her is that while she explains her decisions, she never sounds like she’s *justifying* them. They are what they are. And trust me, hiring a house manager falls pretty low on the list of hard decisions one has to make.

    My mother worked full-time and raised three kids, married to a husband who is from a culture in which men do not participate in family life (besides the occasional bottom smack). She roped us into helping (been doing my own laundry since I was 10). But she never felt the need to agonize over the decisions she made, like life was *so hard* or something (and trust me, her life was harder than you’ll ever have to imagine).
    If this post had been about the pros and cons hiring a house manager (and even some of your hesitations), great. Instead it was whiny and defensive, and honestly, not particularly useful.

    I used to love your blog (and in some ways still do), but lately, you’ve been sounding like one of my least favorite writers (whom everyone else seems to love). I know you’re going through some tough times, but I want the old Penelope back.

  5. imelda
    imelda says:

    I stopped reading and posting awhile ago, when Penelope had written some unnecessarily provocative entry. But I happened to stumble upon the blog in time to see this entry on the top–and all I can say is, bravo. What you’re saying here is so important, Penelope–it directly correlates to what I think you’ve said in the past, that women have essentially achieved equality in the workplace, but the main struggle remains on the homefront.

    It’s astounding that this entry is at all controversial to some people. If a divorced man raising his kids himself wrote that he was hiring a maid and a house manager to ease his burden, would ANYONE comment? I mean, ANYONE? Women work these days, folks. They have careers. Get over it.

    Penelope’s comment, that the main difference between men and women competing for jobs is that it’s expensive for women, is enlightening and shares a fascinating perspective. All you people who so self-righteously respond that she’s got her priorities off have completely missed the point. You’re focusing on your own priorities, rather than Penelope’s. You can’t dictate those for her. All she’s doing is describing the reality of the many people who do share her priorities. And it’s INTERESTING and TRUTHFUL and DIFFERENT and BRAZEN, and you need to accept it for what it is.

  6. Diana van Walsum
    Diana van Walsum says:

    Hi Penelope,

    Thanks for the thought-provoking post – really enjoy your always entertaining and helpful blog.

    Four points for the fellow commenters:

    1. Each person’s life is unique. It is rather unimaginative and unrealistic to judge someone’s life according to what has worked for you and your personality, preferences and life circumstances. Penelope is not you.

    2. Not everyone who finds a lot of meaning in working a lot does it just because they want to make a lot of money. I think it’s pretty clear from Penelope’s blog and book that she has a true passion and calling for what she does. And don’t be angry that she makes money, please. I’m sure she wouldn’t begrudge you your success, either. In fact, isn’t her vocation helping others to succeed?

    3. We all do what we have to do to take care of our families and ourselves. It’s different for everyone, and personal. Each child is different and has unique needs, as is every adult. The set-up Penelope has created at home works for her and her family right now. A parent with vocational passion, meaning and success in her life who also can provide love and an organized home sounds like a pretty decent parent and role-model to me! A happy working mom/dad is infinitely better than a frustrated stay-at-home mom/dad, as a happy stay-at-home mom/dad is better than a frustrated working mom/dad. We’re individuals!

    4. Commenters who complain about irrelevant posts – they are only irrelevant insofar as you personally don’t connect with them. If you want a business blog without personal color, they’re easy to find…!

  7. Heather P
    Heather P says:

    I, for one, am tired of having to defend the choice to work. I tried staying at home full time. Like Penelope, it was not for me. Figuring out how to be fulfilled is difficult, life is challenging, kids are challenging. It isn’t a surprise that the posts have a defensive tone. pre-emptive if you ask me. i imagined I woudl be a stay at home mom, be there all teh time for my kids. But that is not what turned out to make for a happy life for myself, and my family. A happy mom is a great mom. I am a better mom for being a working mom. There is no question. Respectign everyone’s choices is the key.

  8. Gigi
    Gigi says:

    My dad worked full time and raised us…it can be done. My grandmother helped, but he did a lot of the shitwork involved.

    I want to see more stories about do-it-all dads. I understand that they’re few and far between, but damn, I was lucky I had mine!

    What would you say to people who don’t make a lot of money but need household help? My dad made out well, but he couldn’t hire a house girl or house boy, so he recruited Grandma. Would you suggest grandparents, teen babysitters, or what?

  9. Rebecca Gonzalez
    Rebecca Gonzalez says:

    True, true, true. We have one kid and we both work. I probably have the more career-oriented, demanding job, My husband’s is a little less so (but not totally). I don’t know how people do it with multiple kids. When several kids splinter off into their separate activities, parents must want to blow their brains out. You can’t have it all, but you sure can get help. We definitiely have the weekly maid service and the after school care. I have tried to dump the laundry but the maids do weird things to it and put it away in odd places. More irritating then helpful. Weekend errands are a huge waste, so I am thinking I will check into these services. I wish someone could also show up as me for all my personal maintenance including hair, eyebrows, waxing, nails, blah blah blah. For those of you who don’t understand what I am talking about, please read the previous post on looks correlated to career success. And for those of you who don’t get why all this is related to having a career — DUH.

  10. thetodd
    thetodd says:

    I’m sorry, but for those defending this Blogger over her 50,000 dollar remark — you are wrong and out of touch. Sure, some people can defend it, but for the majority of citizens of America — the average household income is 40-50 per year. Sure defend her on such a statement that can only be deemed reckless and irrational in the current economy, but don’t expect to not get backlash from people living in the real world. I’m sure everybody can appreciate the need to have a career and all, but the 50k remark is probably what struck a nerve. Prices have been rising and people hurting. Have you been paying attention to what has been happening in the world? Have you seen the prices rising? Read your history. It hasn’t been this bad since before 1929. Hopefully, it will not get worse, but people are hurting. To say you have 50,000 to burn — yes burn, given the recession — when people are maxing out their credit cards just to pay for gas is absolutely moronic. Come down to the real world, please. On top of that, the dollar is, increasingly, worth less and less money while at the same time people are not making more; wages are not rising, contrary to what you may believe. Yeah, sure it would be nice to have a nanny, or house manager, and be able to pay 50,000 to him/her, but the truth is some people make less than that a year — the US average is about that — and to say such a statement in your article is bound to only to appeal to one set of people: the elite.

    It may have been purposeful on your part to cause such controversy, as it probably will be good for your traffic, (the talk shaw hosts make millions on being divisive) but I absolutely cannot understand why any real person would defend such a reckless statement.

  11. steve@steve.com
    steve@steve.com says:

    A job like a “House” manager, and well, for that matter, a nanny are typical jobs in a boom economy. In a recession, however, such jobs don’t exist because nobody can afford to pay them, only the rich.

  12. Bill
    Bill says:

    I hope you’re loaded, despite your claim. Because no financially sane person spends half or more of their income on household staff.

    Kids’ college funds in good shape? Retirement accounts flush?

  13. Grantwriter
    Grantwriter says:

    Penelope – I think part of what you’re seeing here with the comments is a clash of cultures.

    My wife and I were both raised in traditional families in small Midwestern towns. Our fathers could fix or build just about anything and our mothers ran tight households. The closest our parents came to outsourcing was hiring the teenage girl down the street to babysit once in a while.

    Today, I’m a work-at-home dad who gets no paid sick or vacation time. I also have two left thumbs when it comes to home improvement type of things so, within financial reason, I outsource as much as I can.

    Since I’m violating the do-it-yourself credo of small town USA, our fathers take a dim view of this even though they know I get no paid time off like they did. Plus, my freelance clients could care less whether I hire a plumber – they just want to know if I can do a good job and meet deadlines.

    There are alot of advantages to doing it yourself, and there are alot of advantages to outsourcing. I hope you’ll talk more about how this works for you. Thanks for the great post.

  14. Dorie
    Dorie says:

    Good for you! I’ve been sitting on the fence for the last year about hiring help for my household (and there aren’t even kids in the equation yet). I’d rather have a chance at sanity than more money in the bank.

    Maybe a house manager falls into the category of plastic surgery as a career tool – why not go ahead and ask for help than spend time debating it!

  15. Patricia Robb
    Patricia Robb says:

    I visit your blog from time to time just to see what kind of trouble you are getting yourself into with your readers, but I have to admit you certainly do hit the nail on the head with most of your posts. Maybe some things are issues people don’t want to talk about or acknowledge, but nonetheless is there. This is definitely one of those issues. I know too many women executives who are feeling this same pinch and have had to resort to hiring out. But why is it surprising, as you say in your article men have housewives, what do women executives have if they are single or their husbands work as well?
    I am a single mom, but my daughter has since flown the coop, but my job is challenging, although I am not an executive. Since I started this job I hire someone to clean my house. I gave up trying to keep up with the demands of my job and keeping a clean house. This works for me. We all do what we have to do.

  16. Charles
    Charles says:

    Found this link through somebody’s delicious. Let me just say, if you are offering advice to people on a regular basis — please, stop. To say you are not loaded and have 50,000 dollars to spend on a house manager is ridiculous. That may be good advice for the top 1 percent, but not normal people. Judging by the comments, I see many people disagree with you here, if just for that advice alone. Can you answer some questions? How much do you make a year? And, for those who follow your blog — how much do they make a year? While I can truly appreciate the need for a career, and I can even understand the need for somebody to watch you r kids, doesn’t a “house” manager seem like the sort of think that people with millions in the bank can afford? If you had 50,000 to blow, don’t you think you could afford to watch your kids from time to time or deal with your house? If you want to blow your money on that — fine, more power to you, but it is not exactly ideal advice for mainstream America, now is it?

  17. Go Team P!
    Go Team P! says:

    Awesome post, you are to me the quintessential postmodern woman and to have a glimpse into your mind/world is just fascinating.

    I applaud your strong sense of self-awareness and self-knowledge, having a deep understanding of yourself is the key to making decisions that resonate and work for you. No apology or justification needed.

    To be a mother your kids will be proud of, there is no other way than to be True to Yourself, be the best whole person you can be, and achieve your dreams. Just continue being your fabulous and brazen self, let it shine. Do it YOUR way, and make it work.

  18. thom singer
    thom singer says:

    This ongoing debate always makes me chuckle. You are correct that people need help to get it all done.

    I was a full-time dad for two years when my oldest was born (my wife was given a great promotion. I made more money, but the opportunity for her was valuable … so we gave it a try). It was the hardest job I ever had (and the oldest was an EASY baby). No vacation, no downtime, no sleep, etc… However, I am forever grateful I did it.

    When she was two, we both worked full time for over a year. Talk about hectic. YIKES. We decided someone had to stay home, and we wanted another kid. My wife quit and has been home for seven years.

    I respect the fact that she works as hard or harder than I do and gets no paycheck or “rewards”. But most interesting is how many career women look down on stay at home moms. I see it all the time…. and I think it is just wrong. Staying home IS a choice for many… but it is a job…a hard job. I am appauled to see working women look down at full time moms.

    If you do not have the option to stay home or choose to work, then by all means, HIRE SOME HELP or you can burn out. Needing help is not some sort of weakness, it is reality.

    I see no reason why your hiring help is such a controversial topic that has heated the discussion. Sometimes in this world we cannot do it all. That is not a bad thing, it is a fact.

  19. Rimrock
    Rimrock says:

    “What about I, what about me, what about number one”…..Still not a man..nope never will be.

    I have no doubt ms PK has a ton of energy and passion but her navel gazing is at a truly amazing level. Oh yeah to all the cheerleaders..you CAN’T have it all. Hope that doesn’t ruin your day. Ha!

  20. PRJ
    PRJ says:

    “Those men are getting not just a house manager, but someone who adores his kids, is there all the time, and someone who is willing to have some sort of regular sex life. For all that, the estimate of $100,000 a year seems very low.”

    And the wife is getting a roof over her head, food to eat, financial stability and so on.

    BTW if you think cooking, regular sex etc is worth more than 100K, you make loving wives sound like prostitutes, and their equally loving husbands as perverts.

  21. Kathleen
    Kathleen says:

    This makes so much sense!

    And, to me, it seems no different than ordering takeout food on a night when you’d rather enjoy time with family or friends than waste time cooking in the kitchen. Don’t most of us make that choice on a regular basis? If/when we pay to get our cars washed? Or clothes cleaned at the drycleaners? We’re spending our assets on one item to get us another: time! Sounds like a pretty normal transaction to me.

  22. Diana
    Diana says:

    Thank you for this post. I was truly inspired and wrote an article on my blog about having a Second Life – the various roles and jobs we fill each day. I think your post made a big impact on many woman, so thank you again for your honesty.

  23. Aubrey
    Aubrey says:

    Penelope, I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now, and it’s made me question my life choices sometimes. But after reading this post, I no longer have any doubt. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I don’t have kids *and* I don’t have high-powered career ambitions. I earn just a little over what your new house manager does. I think she’s got the sweetest deal of all in this scenario. Because what I lose in income, I’ve gained in peace of mind & time to sit back and smell the roses. Thank you for waking me up to the fact that not only do I not have to “have it all,” I don’t WANT to “have it all.” Too many headaches down that road. I hope it brings you happiness, but it isn’t for me. Thanks for the clarity.

  24. Yvette
    Yvette says:

    Well, well – well up over 100 comments, it’s like the good old days at Yahoo!Finance. PT has posted on this topic before, and the first time I read it I got that “duh, no wonder” feeling. I had been sleep deprived for so long, I’d forgotten what it was like to be well-rested. That was about a year ago. I can’t say I’ve fixed all my time management issues, but I’ve made some changes, reviewed my own expectations and had a couple heart to heart conversations with my spouse. time management is a very important topic of life that varies over time, and is worth re-visiting periodically. (I aways enjoy the comments too, btw.) I wanted to add a note about the ENTJ sentence in the original post (which I think got lost in the other great stuff to talk about). I’m an ENFP but I act like an ENTJ in my job (go read about Myers Briggs if you’re keen on philosophy), so I think I can help out. PT: the “N” (intuitive) part puts you in the minority in an American culture that values details, specifics, and numbers. It means you go with your gut, and that means you (like me) need to feed your spirit on a regular basis. (Not that we all don’t need to, but intuitive people really do need “peace” in their mind to think creatively … every day.) The “TJ” part translates into “coming to conclusions quickly, through logical thinking” (as opposed to my preference which is “go with the flow, and see how I feel about it.” My suggestion to you is to go ahead and come to your conclusions, with all the passion you have … just remember we all have the right to change our minds, seconds later or years later, and any conclusion you come to, no matter how strongly you believe in it, you may also come to another conclusion once you have more facts…. Any friend who doesn’t understand this about you, doesn’t understand your uniqueness. Since most Americans admire ESTJ personalities, you’re not that far off from the mainstream. Really.

  25. Biodun
    Biodun says:

    A reality post…, I work, enjoy what i do and have a good professional rep then have gotten time for my domestics affairs, with one not really affecting the other.

  26. finance girl
    finance girl says:

    Good for you! Hey who cares what anyone else thinks, it’s your life/your family.

    Yep, life sucks when both people are working full time.

    We never had time for anything until I quit couple of years ago.

    We love it! (But you know this story)

    Anyway, I do think that what helps is for the person who is at home to still be pursuing something they are passionate about.

    My passion was always personal finance, now I am pursuing my CFP designation and started classes last week.

    So that will give me the flexibility to take on clients only when I have the bandwidth (ironically enough not doing it for the $ even though the nature of the job is about $ planning!)

  27. Sarah
    Sarah says:

    Sidney–I was not deriding 9-5 jobs. I was saying that they are a choice. You have a 9-5 job that pays $100K? Sign me up!!!

    Who are we to tell P how to live her life? Of course she sounds bitter and defensive to some people–she’s going through a divorce and she’s being attacked for something NOT A SINGLE MAN would be attacked for.

    NOTE: I’m not the sarah who complained about the fonts. Will make sure to use a last inital in future.

    Oh, John Doe–if you are going to be an A- hole, then you should use your own name.

  28. Sarah
    Sarah says:

    Oh, 20-something career girl–what is up with you? I think you missed the point of P’s post entirely.

  29. Sandra Mendoza-Daly
    Sandra Mendoza-Daly says:

    I can understand your defensiveness, and that of all working, successful mothers. I am not a mother (yet) but the double whammy for me is, how am I going to create a career that will offer flex-time so I can raise a kids AND take care of myself (major health issues). Some would say, “Don’t have kids.” My plan may be less than possible, and I may have to forget the interesting fulfilling career if kids a priority. But if I could get help and be able to do it all – I would! We have these impossible ideals for women, but not for men. It’s such BS.

    @thetodd
    What fault is it of Penelope’s that people are overextended? The feds and lack of financial education (or complete disregard to basic financial thinking) is what got people in trouble. Can’t afford gas? Give up the freaking SUV! Can’t make your mortgage payment-why the hell did you get an adjustable rate? People let themselves become targets of scams, yes even government approved scams.

    If Penelope knows she needs to make an extra 50K to make her household work, she will bust her ass.

    @Yvette
    “I'm an ENFP but I act like an ENTJ in my job”-me too. I think when it comes down to it, we can all adjust to make things work.

  30. debbie
    debbie says:

    I haven’t been a regular reader of yours since the bonehead post a few months back about how a women’s career won’t suffer if she takes time off – you should really go back and read that post and this one. I am going to be really frank, not to be rude, but on the off chance one of your readers who is looking for career advice might perhaps see this – You do not have a clue – seriously. I actually agree with the premise of this post – you absolutely cannot do it all – and if you really want a high powered career, you need some serious money to not go insane or a full time spouse (in my opinion both). Therefore stop posting the complete BS about work, life, balance and a high powered career you loved. People need to take a long hard look at what’s important to them and make choices. You are not going to find a job with money and prestige without sacrificing a lot – and if anyone is under the delusion that I am “jealous” I am 34 years old and have $4M in the bank – completely self made, my husband and I started our careers with nothing but student loans to pay off. I am now happily semi-retired. I “found” you on Yahoo Finance and was always struck by how completely out of touch you are with how to succeed. Seriously, if you want to post about not wanting to play the “corporate game” – great, but you should really realize that life is about choices and to offer “advice” that you can have it all is just plain wrong.

  31. Another Gal
    Another Gal says:

    Penelope,

    I want to thank you for such a great post. My boyfriend and I both read this and it has prompted a heartfelt discussion about whether we want children and if so, how we will manage.

    A story that might be interested. I was reading the 4 hour workweek and coincidentally it brought up the issue of outsourcing too. When I excitedly brought up the subject to my boyfriend, and the costs, he (who has an 8 hour a day job withn 10 min walking commute vs. my 10 hour a day job with 1.5 hour commute) volunteered to help–for $15 an hour! Huh? Few women would have the balls to ask their higher earning boyfriends for the same deal.

    So I pondered this for awhile and then it hit me—men are taught to value their time by the workplace. Each man has had a job from a fairly early age–their time has a financial worth. Most women are not brought up to put a price on their time–thus they give it away for “free” in relationships.

    Back to the discussion with boyfriend—suffice to say when I explained to him rationally that my time was worth more per his on an hourly basis, and that every hour spent at home on chores rather than at the office was a hit to our family’s finances, it made sense. The clincher was when I explained that since I valued his time equally to my own (and I out earn him by 70%), that essentially he was getting “paid” 70% more per hour to work at home than he was at work. He’s now willing to do the chores for credit against my paying bills–so I’m giving money, which I have more of, and he gives time, which he has more of.

    Ladies, we must take gender out of these equations. If you think of your family like a business and do the math, the decisions become very clear. Now some women don’t like this and make the decision emotionally–that’s fine if you are truly fulfilled. But just once I’d love to hear about a woman demanding an hourly rate for helping her wealthy husband with house manager like tasks.

    Men need to also learn to put real value on their SAHM’s–no wonder many men still want this model, because so many women are so stupid as to believe in this happy Horses***. Wake up sisters and smell the coffee–demand he pay you more than just a stipend, because otherwise he’s arbitraging your life essence for a profit.

    Thanks again, Penelope, this was a great post that strikes at the heart of gender inequality—one of the key issues holding women back from the executive suite

    –from a 30 something corporate executive, childess by choice for now.

  32. Cyril from Zurich (Switz)
    Cyril from Zurich (Switz) says:

    Scary…

    Now, I have a question: why in Switzerland people start to work at 8:00 AM and stop at 18:00, are richer (on average) than Americans and enjoy the top quality of life in the World (Zürich was elected 6 years in a row the top city to live in worldwide)?

    Well, I guess because they took the exactly opposite way:
    – they invested in education infrastructures (i.e., public schools, transports…)
    – they spend time at home with their kids, having breakfast and diner with them (hence giving them good feeding habits, raising their cultural level, talking with them, giving them rules for living in society, etc.)
    – they do not bring (or very little) work at home or on week-ends (hence exercising, having a stressless end of the week, spending less on medication and thus insurances)
    – they are relaxed at work and rely on others to process efficiently the tasks (hence, relying on their social, educational and cultural background – social productivity)
    – moms stop working for 3 to 5 years, that’s true. Their career suffer from it? Maybe. Are they unhappy because of this? Not that I heard of.

    Are there Swiss female successful CEOs with kids, working husbands? Yes! Nobel Biocare. Forma Futura. Emerald Technology Ventures…

    Conclusion? This is the symptom that the American way of life has reached its limit. It is time to reevaluate the values underlying your society and maybe reassess some priorities. Otherwise, you will continue to produce cohorts of fat, stupid and badly behaved young adults… Mc Donald’s is not the only responsible for that – but merely a scapegoat because no one knows what is a normal diner (and even worse – able to cook one!) in a regular US family.

  33. Alex
    Alex says:

    No household is sane; the people who say they have a sane household are the first to go crazy. I understand that trying to leave your work at work is difficult but it's feasible. It's just a matter of time management. The main thing I stress to people is how to manage their time effectively so you can focus your job when you need to. Seeing your time written down on paper can release stress more then you think. I don't have a family or a wife to worry about yet, but I am a full-time student at a University, with a job at an HR firm, and a part-time job at a bar. The trick to maintaining it all is to focus on your top priorities first. Also scheduling time for myself reassures me that I will get a break eventually so I can just concentrate on my work and school without thinking about anything else.

  34. Natasha
    Natasha says:

    Oh My GOD! You’ve expressed exactly how I’ve been feeling! I love you! I feel like I am losing my mind every single day. I work full time at a very demanding job and have two small children 4 and 2.5. And I have been slowly coming to the realization I must be crazy, I can’t keep it all together and I think its unfair that society puts the pressure on women like they do. I have found myself comparing my situation to the other men I work with (I am in a a manily male profession) and feeling envious they have a partner or housewife at home to “take care of everything” for them. Its just not fair, and I can’t compete with it and still stay on top of the game. All the power to you girl, if you need a house manager then go for it, and get all the help you need. You deserve it! I certainly wish I was in the position to do so…

  35. Philippa
    Philippa says:

    I think it’s great that there’s an open debate on this site. It’s clear that this is a very controversial issue but I agree that there comes a time when we have to accept outside help in order to achieve a balance and keep ourselves sane! I wish more women, myself included, could feel able to admit this and acknowledge that it is impossible to achieve perfection in all areas of their lives without some sort of help. Equality in the workplace should not be leading us to burnout!

  36. sriram
    sriram says:

    It is ok. Something which a lot of women are facing.
    My cousins (sisters) live in joint families. So that removes a LOT of problems for them.

  37. The Edge
    The Edge says:

    Pen- you’re so right that the $100K figure is low; just think how much the former NY Luv Guv Elliot Spitzer paid for his hooker friends.

    Oh, and I’m wearing pants while typing this…

  38. 20somethingcareergal
    20somethingcareergal says:

    @ Sarah:

    No, I think you are missing the point. So, this column is entirely targeted towards those earning $100K or more? Even though, you know, those people probably are already secure in their career choices? In case you haven’t read a newspaper lately, most people in this country are NOT in that situation. Most of us are struggling to get by. Did anyone see the front page of the NYT today? People are struggling to find FOOD, and living on two spoonfuls of rice per day, and this column is moaning about spending $50,000 on a house manager? Why don’t you spend that money of food for starving people in Africa?

    The last thing we need is an article by someone flaunting about money like everyone has it. Everyone does not have it. What we DO need is actual, real career advice that’s usable for people who don’t have an extra $50,000 (or maybe don’t even make $50,000, like myself) to throw away every year. I’d love to have someone like a house manager to keep my life sane, but I don’t have that luxury. I’m aware that there are all different types of people out there, I just wish that those people who do have $100K or more per year could be a bit more open-minded (and less ready to give advice like “Ask for help” etc.) in regards to the people who don’t.

  39. brian
    brian says:

    $50,000 to “manage” a 1br home? in addition to 2 other paid help. seriously WTH? and btw, you couldn’t find anybody for 40,000? 45?

  40. chuck@chuck.com
    chuck@chuck.com says:

    @Sara

    You are an idiot.

    This is what you said.

    @thetodd
    What fault is it of Penelope's that people are overextended? The feds and lack of financial education (or complete disregard to basic financial thinking) is what got people in trouble. Can't afford gas? Give up the freaking SUV! Can't make your mortgage payment-why the hell did you get an adjustable rate? People let themselves become targets of scams, yes even government approved scams.

    Truly moronic statement, and you obviously do not have a grasp on how the American economy works. First and foremost, our economy is based on oil. That is fact. So when prices goes up, it doesn’t just hurt those SUV driving folks that you talk about, but everybody. Since oil is tied to the dollar, if oil goes up, the worth of a dollar goes down, unless, of course, wages were to go up in accordance to the price of a barrel of oil. But they HAVE NOT. In simple terms, we can buy less with our dollars.

    Fact: average american household makes 45-50k per year.

    Fact: When oil goes up, everything goes up. Price of food, goods, etc. Everybody suffers. Those who have a lot more backup and make over, say, 100k a year might be in decent shape, but the majority of people are not.

    While some people are reckless, there are a lot of people who are not and are hurting big time because the dollar has become worthless and oil prices have gone through the roof. We’ve seen similar to those of 1928, and the only solution in sight is some, supposed, 600 dollar stimulus check that, at best, can pay off some debt and go towards gas for a month. Oh — and how much is that 600 dollars actually worth given the decline of the dollar. And for those SUV drivers — 600 dollars may only cover a couple weeks, depending on their commute.

    Yes, there are irresponsible people, and I’ll give you that, but your statements seem to indicate that you think it is only those people who are suffering — get a clue. Responsible people are hurting, too. Responsible people want advice. Good advice. Don’t get mad when responsible people criticize irresponsible advice.

    When people talk about having 50k to drop on a house manager — that is not exactly the most sane of advice to the average person/family who makes 40-50 k per year. Advice like that is reckless given the state of our economy. Not to be a gloomy, but it hasn’t been this bad since the 1920’s. Anybody with a good grasp on economics would know that these are scary times.

    And in the end, since the dollar is tied to oil, it all goes back to that. Oil affects everything, and thus the situations is a lot bigger than you seem to think.

  41. Laura
    Laura says:

    Hey Penelope,
    I’m with you 100%. Well maybe not 100% – I only have a nanny, and a maid who comes once a month. I do the cooking in my household. So my household isn’t fully outsourced, or outsourced to the extent of yours, but I do agree with the spirit of the post, and I commend you for putting this out there.

    I tried using daycare, and it was terrible. I was crazed, the kids were crazed and I was short-changing work. Having a nanny has liberated me, and allowed me to prosper at work. (I’m a practicing attorney.)

    There’s one successful mother at my work who made the opposite choice: she’s got the big house in the nicest suburb (Wellesley, MA, since I know you’re from Boston), but she refuses to get a nanny. And boy does her work suffer. She misses deadlines left and right. She’s like the least reliable person in the office. If her big client fires the firm (which it has threatened to do), she’s toast, professionally.

    Again, great post, and thanks for putting it out there.

  42. Alexandria
    Alexandria says:

    Great Post.

    I am actually a full-time working mom with a SAH House Hubby.

    At work as all the women, single and childless or not, gripe about all of their chores and how to cook dinner, etc., etc., they all always stop and look at me and say – “Well obviously she has it the worst. She has small kids.” I have told them a million times I have a personal chef and assistant at home, my hubby. I don’t share in the same sentiments. I have come to feel that my SAH hubby is immeasurably invaluable. Beyond the childcare duties and home cooked meals, I have my spouse run personal errands and take care of all the “crap” that comes up, so it is rather rare when my personal life interferes with my work life.

    Likewise, as everyone at my work is quite jealous we somehow have figured how to live on one income, they are always asking me when my spouse will return to work. I always reply, “Hopefully never.” They just don’t *get* it.

    For us, we would probably be in the hole after considering income/payroll taxes on a second wage AND pricey daycare in the area. Plus my spouse was ready for a career change anyway. So he stays home with the kids, and we are really no worse off financially than if he was still working at the job he hated. BUT with time I have come to realize that the benefits are largely non-financial. Or I wonder if my pay would have doubled in the last decade if I had a more true working mom experience. I can’t say I know what it is to go to work and worry about my kids. I know they are well cared for. I don’t have all the day to day interferences the other working moms I know do.

    Likewise, I really and truly *get* that in my career I have a tremendous advantage. My spouse may be worth $50k or six figures to me at home, as a personal chef, nanny, maid and as a personal assistant. But at worst we lose a few thousand a year in wages. Sounds like a good trade-off to me. Not only are we saving on taxes, daycare, and working expenses like auto fuel, but it is also rare when we pay for convenience out of exhaustion or lack of time. That amounts to a tremendous amount of money saved.

    When the kids are older and daycare isn’t $20k/year, we would both like to work. We discuss the logistics and I know it will suck. LOL. We’ve gotten spoiled, but for the long run we will probably both want to work at least part-time for personal growth. I could never imagine working in a 2-full-time-working-adult household though. It’s a tough road.

  43. Just a Girl in a Port
    Just a Girl in a Port says:

    Wow, you some very judgemental readers! I will say that if I were in your position, I’d probably hire help too. It’s a full-time job and having a successful career can’t always go along with that. We can all try to be perfect wives/moms/business folk, but in reality we all have the same 24 hours in a day. We make it work the way it can for us and our family.

    This is my first day ever reading your blog,so I’ll look forward to reading more.

    Cheers!

  44. gracep117
    gracep117 says:

    “I don't know a stay-at-home dad who is seriously taking care of kids full-time, over the course of five-to-seven years, without a lot of money in the bank.”

    Now you do. My husband’s been doing it since 2000 when our first was born. We are not wealthy and live in one of the most expensive areas in the country. We just make it work. It can be done, with a little ingenuity and lots of flexibility.

  45. Cynthia
    Cynthia says:

    Wowee! I can relate big-time. Being a single working mom, not by choice, I had to struggle and juggle my way up the IT track just to earn a decent salary to support me and my child.

    This blog reminds me of my comment to my IT manager at my last performance appraisal when he asked, “What could I do to make my job and the department more successful?”. Without thinking, I replied “A wife!”.

    I’ve been battling 65-70 hours a week job demands, 2 hours every day in traffic, stressed-out and worrying that traffic delays or late meetings will get me kicked out of daycare (3 times late and you’re out). The breaking point was when my child came into my home office while I was logged back into work again after dinner and said he didn’t know me and missed me.

    It was painful, but I made a decision and left that job. Although the burnout feeling still remains, I went out to higher paying positions with somewhat normal working hours.

    I still struggle with the choice of being a good parent and having a great career. Now my child is older, it doesn’t get any easier, especially since the jobs I’m seeking expect travel. I think culturally business more and more have an unspoken expectation for us to work 24×7 for them.
    I hear it everyday from others in IT, is it this way in other industries? Perhaps cellphones, blackberries and being connected all the time builds this expectation.

  46. J
    J says:

    I fear this is an indictment of working women ever where. Is this what we fought so hard to accomplish? Balance, priorities and sacrifice have always been the foundation of a rewarding life; for both men and women. Men never had to find balance, but they are beginning to learn from women. Wonderful blog with great insight. I discovered this along with "Backcounterbuffet", a working physician and mother of busy children. Both of your experiences help me in my quest for balance. We'll get there!

  47. m
    m says:

    There is an underlying (and some people will claim unpleasant) truth to the article you write. And that is, the past 30 years of two-earner couples has been socially devastating. The simple truth is, two people CANNOT have jobs AND raise kids AND have a home AND have a marriage. Something has got to give. And what gives is the marriage. That’s what always takes the back seat.

    So… women are climbing in the workplace. Good for them. And the institution of marriage has completely fallen apart.

    I’m not saying women should be stuck as stay-at-home moms if they don’t want to be.
    I’m just saying SOMEBODY has to take care of the home. BOTH people cannot be wage earners.
    And no, most of us cannot afford a “house manager”. Good luck with that plan.

    Those anecdotes about “my mom and dad were married for 50 years” are becoming fewer and farther between as that generation dies and is replaced by a generation where husbands and wives never have time for each other.

    Corner offices are damn lonely.

  48. J
    J says:

    m, you are so right on! So many in our society suggest our children are the casulty of our desire to have a two career family. You really never hear anyone say that the fall=out hits the marriage. Some suggest, less time with each other can be beneficial to a relationship. You know, “absence helps the heart ….” Where is the answere? Is their an answer?

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