How to spot a cheater
You are probably wondering if I think about Melissa having an affair with the Farmer.
I do. I think about it all the time.
As a preventive measure I tell the farmer that if he cheats on me, I'll stay with him. Forever. I'll never leave him. He'll be stuck on the farm with me, in misery. I try to create a scene in his head like a Beckett play: Two characters isolated from the world, in a room, making each other miserable.
Melissa and the Farmer always assure me that they will never do that.
One night, in bed alone, I ask the Farmer: “Do you think about having sex with Melissa?”
He says, “Well, I notice her body. But I don't think about having sex with her.”
I say, “Of course you notice her body. She has a size 00 waist and a size C bra cup.”
“Well, okay. Then stop talking to me all the time about having sex with her and then I'll be less likely to think about it.”
When I ask Melissa if she is going to cheat, she is horrified. Probably because it would ruin everything we have here. Also, though, I don't think she's attracted to him.
The problem is that I think she is getting more attracted to him. Which gets me thinking about how you can tell if someone will cheat.
1. Cheating is a lot about proximity.
We are most attracted to the people we see most often. I have read this in a lot of places. Most notably, a co-worker is more apt to like you if you work in the same office, as opposed to telecommuting, or working in another field office.
But the proximity research works for families, as well. A psychologist I interviewed, around the time that the Farmer was dumping me because his parents hated me, told me that if I were living on the farm, his parents would start to like me more because proximity leads to affinity.
This never happened, by the way. The Farmer's parents hate me more than ever and they disinherited the Farmer from their land even though he is still the only one of their kids farming on the land.
What it shows me is that you have to be open to affinity in order for proximity to enhance it.
I think a man is always open to affinity when it comes to a woman half his age.
And check this out: 70% of married investment bankers have cheated on their spouses. This doesn't surprise me as much as the fact that they are most likely to cheat on a business trip, with whoever is near them at the time.
Also, the reason half of Enron was indicted is probably because we become like the people we work with. (The people least likely to believe this, by the way, are law students who take on tons of debt and say they will join a big law firm, not get addicted to power and money, and when their loans are paid they'll join a nonprofit.) So cheaters foster cheaters.
Location location location.
2. You can estimate the verity of someone's response to: will you cheat?
Melissa's horses arrived.
In order to get the Farmer to agree to horses, Melissa told us, over and over again, how great she is with horses.
I believed her.
The Farmer says that a lot of people say they are good with horses, when really, they know nothing.
Melissa told the Farmer about how her parents home schooled her so she could spend all of her adolescence at a stable, helping the trainer with the horses.
The Farmer said, “Okay. Get horses.” But he knows absolutely nothing about training horses and he can't help her at all. So she cannot ask him for help—he doesn't even like horses.
The horses got here and they were supposed to come already accustomed to having a saddle on them. Instead, they reared up like in a Lone Ranger movie when we tried to ride them.
So Melissa left the horses in the stall, sort of ignoring them.
After a few days, the Farmer said, “Something's wrong. She is not doing anything with the horses.”
It turns out that Melissa had no idea how to get them to lunge longe without a pen. I don't even know what the word lunge longe means, actually. But the farmer went out and helped her. And it turns out the farmer is great with horses. It turns out that he knows how to get the horses to lunge and Melissa was not so confident.
This scenario makes sense to me because people’s ability to self assess is generally constant.
For example, the Farmer generally underestimates himself, and Melissa generally overestimates herself. If you can get a read on how someone estimates himself in one scenario, then you can apply it to other scenarios.
All that makes me think that the Farmer is a little less likely to cheat than he tells me, and Melissa is a little more likely to cheat than she tells me. And the farmer loves the horse more than he admits.
3. Assuming everyone is honest is a better way to live.
It's hard to be trusting. But I'm not sure I have another choice. People who trust those around them are happier, more successful people. I want to be that.
And I'm struck how all the same things we do to build trust at work are the same things we do to build trust at home. So the more trusting you are the more trusting you get.
4. Being able to identify cheaters is a useless skill, even if you could do it.
Melissa sent this link from The New Inquiry to me about spotting liars. It’s an interview with a college professor who talks about how he sniffs out plagiarism. When he describes the signs, they make sense, but I might have missed them myself. For example, he says, “The correct use of a semi-colon is a red flag to me,” because most college kids don't use semi-colons at all, let alone correctly, when writing their papers.
The interviewer, who is someone who writes college papers for a pay, suggests that maybe so many kids plagiarize because the ability to come up with the stuff on their own isn't that useful when it's right there on the Internet. And maybe the kids just don't value a college education.
Hm. First of all, I think that probably is true. And a Stanford study shows that writing for social media is more educational than writing for class anyway.
So what is the point of the guy being able to identify plagiarizers? Sixteen percent of the students plagiarized. He needs to realize that he has more problems than he does cheaters. For starters, he has the problem that kids obviously don't see value in what he is teaching.
Also, did you know that the biggest problem with theft at Barnes & Noble is employee theft? They spend a lot of money to guard against internal pilfering. It seems like it'd be more effective to spend the money on making people happy at work.
5. Distractions are the best antidote to obsessive worry about cheats.
I did some research about cheaters. And it turns out that people who are likely to cheat have a ring finger that is longer than their index finger. I got this from Dr. Phil via Perez Hilton. But before you bitch about my sources, it does turn out that a longer ring finger is a sign of higher rates of testosterone in utero.
But I don't know how useful this will be to me. Because I have a longer ring finger. And I have never cheated on a boyfriend, or in a 15 year marriage. But I think that testosterone thing does make a difference in work. I think I'm better, more able to compete in a man's world, because of my extra testosterone.
So maybe I've been no use to you as to how to tell if someone is cheating, but you can tell if a woman will fit into an all-male office by looking at her ring finger. Really.
Today, I looked at my fingers in detail for the first time. I’ve always known I had large hands for a woman. This came in handy when learning piano and playing video games. Today was the first day I noticed that my ring finger is longer than my index finger. It is such a slight difference that from a distance, you might actually think my index finger is the longer. The truth is only evident when I place my hand flat on a surface. Then, you will see that my ring finger is about 1-2mm longer. Strangely, this gives me added confidence to my new-found confidence that has been steadily growing over the past year.
Dear Penelope! I guess this is a thanks, an I’m sorry, and a promise. Thanks, because I know that reading this blog over the past year has changed me and my thinking in many ways for the better. I’m sorry, because the last comment I made was definitely idiotic in the extreme (blame it on the testosterone!). And a promise – I promise to heretofore, recommend your blog. In fact, I’ve already down this – twice in the past week and one of these was to a friend who thinks she has AS.
There are studies out there that say even men happy in their marriages and relationships cheat. Also, a lot of cheating does happen because of convenience and proximity. A lot of cheating is not intentional and start out as “just friends”. You can believe that your husband won’t cheat and he can believe it himself and then he can surprise you and himself.
Cheating like divorce seems to be more and more of a common occurrence in relationships. I think it’s hard to come up with a strategy to deal with it until it happens because there can be so many different reasons as to why it happened.
I’ve actually never read statistics on female friendships or even male friendships that were ruined because one of them had an affair with the other’s partner. That might be interesting because it is a common thing to hear the the affair was with the best friend or at least someone in the circle of friends.
Now that you’ve put the idea of cheating into the head of everybody who lives with you won’t have to be surprised when they live up to your expectations and do so.
If they have any sense they’ll find someone off the farm so they can avoid your writing it all up on your blog.
When you did your research on cheaters, did you check out AskMen.com? I get an email from them every week now thanks to your heads up about them in some of your previous posts. They have a lot of good articles including ones on cheaters so I’ll link it here – http://www.askmen.com/search/?q=cheaters&sitesearch=askmen.com .
#3. Assuming everyone is honest is a better way to live. – is the most important bullet point in my opinion and well said. I make it a point to give someone else the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. It works for me. So my advice for you is to continue to work on #3 even though you already know that.
For all the “kick Melissa out” camp, I can’t believe one person hasn’t bothered to note the obvious: Penelope “puts up with” Melissa because Melissa’s company appears to make her happier and calmer. Penelope wrote often of her conflict with the Farmer before Melissa was on the scene, and it seems like Melissa’s presence legitimately keeps Penelope occupied and happy, and actually HELPS her relationship with the Farmer. Before the current arrangement, she wrote of how much she enjoyed having Melissa visit and how much she missed her after Melissa had gone.
Maybe all this evidence is a coincidence, but it seems to me like if Melissa had nothing to offer, then Penelope wouldn’t have asked her back and the Farmer would’ve expressed objections to the arrangement by now.
Yeah. Thanks for saying this. Of course I think Melissa gives a lot to my family. People talk about work/life balance so casually – like we are all trying to balance how we spend our time and energy. But it’s bigger than just work and not work. It’s each person, each situation. We weigh everything to figure out is our life better or worse. And, if we are lucky, we have a lot of control to rejigger things when they are off kilter. But it’s not like any of us is all that great at it. I mean, find me one person who thinks they have the whole how-should -i-spend-my-energy all worked out. It’s hard.
I read these comments and I get a lot of insight about how to think about the situation. There’s an article in Fast Company about how we are not doing time management anymore, we are doing energy management. This post confirms that to me — that our biggest dilemmas in our lives are about how to spend our energy. What’s worth it.
Penelope
Penelope, please do a post on energy vs. time management. This is a crucial distinction for me as I’ve aged.
“You are probably wondering if I think about Melissa having an affair with the Farmer.”
Umm, no.
P-I don’t want to write anything hurtful but I think these people are correct. I would LOVE to think that the utopia you have created is possible…but its not. I am not placing the blame on anyone in this situation. I don’t care what anyone’s deep thoughts are, it’s been proven that situations like this just don’t work. I mean, look at the 60’s! They thought they had it but they found out that they didn’t. As far as Melissa or your man’s thought process, they could be innocent and not thinking anything but the fact of the matter is that this type of situation blows up sooner or later not matter what! Melissa is young, this is a good thing for her…something to put on her resume but she has experienced everything she needs to in the “outback” of WI. Believe me, I live in here (the country, so that means not Madison)–they only way you can be happy in the country for the long term is if you feel a calling for it or you have known nothing else and feel like…you are meant to stay in that same situation. I like you a ton, although I understand that you exaggerate a lot for this blog. P, from a person who thrives with a simple life: I read your blog hoping that things work out with the farmer because I know it’s a good life and everyone deserves to be happy.
I can’t help but think that having a non-family member living within a family for an extended period of time (no matter how much the non-member may be loved) is going to cause stress to that family. I know that I couldn’t do it. I’m not saying kick her out, but based on this post, maybe a bit of distance might be needed. I have found your recent posts to be a bit off. Full of nervous tension or something. I don’t know. I wondered if M was getting on your nerves. And then I read this post. No one wants to worry about who is or isn’t a cheater in their home. And no one wants to fear their life becoming a Beckett play. As awful/awkward as it may be, my thought (for what it’s worth) is that you may want to listen to your gut on this one and do what’s best for your family.
I’m wondering – is Melissa depressed? She reminds me of me after college when I wasn’t sure what was next and wanted to spend most of the day with my head under the covers. Or me some days in my adult life when I don’t know how to make what’s coming something that I care about. Could you be sensing a need in her that you might wish you could fill and you’re thinking: well – there’s always the farmer to do the dirty work!
Overall though – I’m with Jules: While it seems like there’d be a juicy story here: attractive young girl comes to stay with older farmer man and lures him away from his new wife – we know too much about these characters for their motivations to fit into the prefabricated plot. What would Melissa possibly gain from taking the story in this direction and what would she have that would entice the farmer so much that he’d follow? Some stories are just about people who mess their lives up for fun, but you guys are all thoughtful people who, while aware of reality show possibilities, are concerned more with maintaining integrity in your lives together.
Drama.
Too much can be a real headache. I hope that your kids are not picking up on all of this…sexual tension. Kids like stability.
Breathing. It is an amazing thing to do to “turn the page” when the mind is ruminating on one thing over and over. Breath in count to 4 breath out…not so easy over and over – but it sure can calm the mind.
Drama…asking your husband about your best friend…that – is drama.
Identifying a cheater – that is negative drama.
Let it go. Think Positive Thoughts.
Change your Habits and you will change the world.
Peace be with you.
more pictures of melissa.
will help bring in male readers.
also, i am sure you love obsessing about your husband cheating, cause it creates drama in your head, and chicks need constant drama, but in case you want to get out of that cycle, do you know about huna philosophy?
there is this phrase:
“energy flows where attention goes”
combine that with the eastern philosophy concept of non-resistance, and the answer is:
don’t fight the idea of melissa sleeping with the farmer. just accept it. and move on.
hmm.
not sure that will work.
When men “cheat” they are usually giving in to proximity — which Penelope has already pointed out.
Proximity pushes men in that direction in two ways.
One is looking. When men see an attractive woman, there are changes in the brain. Women who are not lesbian or bisexual do not have such noticeable changes, or activation, in their brains, as men have.
The second push comes from physical chemistry in the form of pheromones. If you don’t know anything about pheromones, then . . . get an education, for Pete’s sake!
Pheromones fill the air like invisible perfume. Men are susceptible.
To say that a man who responds to seeing an attractive woman who is nearby all the time, and who is sending out pheromones (invisible or not) all the time — to say that that man is “cheating” if he follows Nature’s instructions?
Well, saying that is just using all the wrong words.
Look after those horses, or I’m siccing fuglyhorseoftheday.com. on you. Seriously. I am seriously concerned about their future and their welfare with such noobs “training” and caring for them in a desultory fashion.
I’ve kept looking for a comment saying “that’s a little horse” when I think I saw a mention of a pony. So I looked up pony and see a pony is officially a small horse measuring 14.2 hands or less. Does Melissa have a pony? The comments about the head gear is good advice, get better protection. OTOH she will have a shorter distance to fall from a pony.
My first thought was this was a developed topic to generate comments then I thought nope. If I were Melissa I would be upset however I suspect you told Melissa you were going to write on this topic beforehand. Did you discuss it with the farmer?
When are you going to try and set Melissa up with a local farmer? A C cup eh…
I saw Melissa’s blog, some nice images from Asia.
Yeah, they are ponies. I’m not a person who does ponies and horses so I don’t know the difference.
Welsh ponies.
Penelope
According to another blog post, you stated that you had sex with your ex-husband (while you were married) a handful of times in 6 years.
Remember that women marry for exclusivity of sex, emotional connection, etc. Men marry for ease of access to sex and frequency, as well as emotional connection, etc. Women feel cheated when exclusivity is violated. (Men do too). Men feel most cheated when frequency of sex or ease of access is violated. That is true whether or not society deems this to be “cheating”.
You cheated on your former husband by not “putting out” during your marriage. Ask any married man who gets laid less than once a week if he feels cheated. Ask your ex. You’ll see.
This x1000. I don’t understand why women stop sleeping with their husbands and then wonder why they cheat. If you stop sleeping with your husband, he’ll stray. If he doesn’t, he’s a saint and you’re lucky to have him.
Good point on this one.
As long as he gets sex every day from YOU, he is much less likely to diversify. Vanity alone requires a man to be at the top of his performance when initiating a new lover (unless alcohol is involved).
Before I got married, I let my wife know that monogamy only meant that she got right of first refusal.
I don’t need sex every day. What bugs me is when the “dry spells” are counted in months, not weeks. Three times we have gone through 18 months with no sex. I’d be happy with good sex once or twice a week.
Another thing that gets me down is when I try to initiate and get shot down again and again and again and again. We’ve been married almost 10 years and I’ve been shot down 1,000+ times. I stopped asking. Nobody likes to be rejected constantly. Especially when it’s by your spouse.
I can’t believe I’m responding to this comment. I have rules for myself about what sort of comment I’ll respond to, and I’m breaking the rules right now. But… it’s so shallow to assume that I was refusing to have sex for six years. There are a million scenarios that create a sexless marriage. The scenario you have thought of is just one in a million. And you probably know me well enough from the blog to know it’s not a scenario I’d be involved in.
Penelope
This post, along with all of the other writings on cheating, has me scared out of my mind. I am young and exceptionally attractive (I’m not trying to be vain, I just am). but I’ve always been used as an object and can never keep a man. Ironically, I always end up pushing men closer to other women. I think men view some women as “safe” and others as a “reach.” They sense the power differential (in other words, they know I could cheat too because I’m going looking) and, combined with the fact that I’m incredibly ambitious and live in the midwest where men don’t know how to handle that, I get no one.
My plan is to leave the midwest as soon as possible and either 1.) marry my 51 year old Brazilian boyfriend to reduce the chances of being cheated on 2.) Get a career where I make enough money to provide comfortably for myself until the day I die 3.) If I do get married, have all girls and 4.) When/if my husband bangs someone younger and hotter and I’m left all alone, go volunteer to rock babies in a Russian orphanage or help the poor in Brazil.
I was recently in a relationship with a man who did not tell me he was married. When I found out he said the marriage was “on the verge of ending.” I got out of that situation and would NEVER do something like that again. No kids, the woman was older, uglier, more stupid, and less ambitious than me, but I think the guy likes her precisely for that reason: she’s easy to hold down, adores him and treats him like the “big man” he’s not since her frame of reference is so small, and is run around on.
I’m afraid there’s no way to win.
I meant to say “easy to run around on” in the last paragraph.
Spooked,
Sounds like we’ve had very similar experiences and are in similar situations.
Only difference is if I marry my dude, I’ve accepted that I can’t predict the future, but I’ll be optimistic about our chances of staying happy together. However, I will take steps so that I will not be financially and emotionally ruined if the relationship falls apart.
-M
Sounds like you are anticipating another bad marriage. Careful, it might become a habit.
I see a lot of over-estimators and under-estimators in the workplace and it always ticks me off that the under-estimators are nearly always undervalued when they’re the ones getting crap done and cleaning up after the over-estimators.
The problem is that it takes time and energy to realize their value, while it doesn’t take any time or energy to be sucked into a good story. If you value a under-estimator they’re loyal forever.
The farmer doesn’t look like he’d cheat unless you leave so I think your plan of staying forever is a good one.
You have to understand that men look at women pretty much constantly. Every woman is evaluated by every man. Men are thinking about women (not necessarily sex with them, but women in a sexual way, deciding if they are attracted to them) multiple times a minute, all the waking day. If they are watching TV, they are looking at the women on TV. If they are working, then sex and/or women will cross their mind less, but still very routinely, in between thinking about the work or whatever else is on his mind. This thinking doesn’t make him a cheater. . .it makes him a man.
“You are probably wondering if I think about Melissa having an affair with the Farmer.”
This never once occurred to me. Given what the Farmer puts up with to be with you, why would you even think this? Wow.
“For starters, he has the problem that kids obviously don't see value in what he is teaching.”
Actually, that’s not a problem for him, it’s a problem for college recruiters. The students are not his boss, or even his customer – the administration of his university is. What they want doesn’t matter at all, except insofar as it impacts what his boss (the admin) wants from him.
Worrying about cheating is plain silly. You have no control over it – before, during or after. No, that’s wrong – you can make it more likely to happen if you obsess about it, than if you don’t think about it. You can’t make it less likely – other than choosing your spouse and/or friends wisely.
How come that hot women are worried about their men cheating on them with someone who is also hot? While regular-looking women are either not particularly concerned, or just do a better job concentrating on other things.
Statistics about how often other people cheat is pretty irrelevant in determining who likely this particular person is to cheat. Unless this person is one of these people, is friends with or works closely with the people in the statistics. Which farmer is not, since he is not an investment banker, does not aspire to be one, and does not deliver produce to wherever investment bankers hang out.
Actually, no, I don’t think the farmer will have an affair with Melissa.
I kind of think you will.
I read through all the comments, and finally! Elle says what’s on my mind. I think this whole thing is about you and Melissa not the farmer and Melissa.
My ring finger is longer. I get along well in an all male office and I think I am likely to cheat. I don’t do it, but it’s something I have struggled with on more than one occasion. I try to end the relationship as soon as I start struggling with it because I’ve always seen it as a sign the relationship is just not working and leaving doesn’t make me feel bad about myself the way cheating would.
Hi Penelope,
Great blog, and an interesting post. Most of the comments have done a good job exploring your questions about what does and does not cause someone to become a cheater, so I am not going to jump into those waters.
I wanted to comment from the perspective of a lifelong horse person who has seen many bad wrecks and bad habits developed in horses when a young/green animal is paired up with a rider who is not yet at the skill level needed to effectively train the animal. Assuming you want both Melissa and her new steed’s future together to go smoothly, I would humbly suggest that you enlist the help of a competent, qualified trainer to get them both on the right path to a happy relationship. Working with horses requires learning an entirely new language and relational mentality. If Melissa takes the time to develop the riding and handling skills that she needs, the fruits gleaned from a happy horse/human partnership can inform all aspects of her life in positive ways.
And the commenter who mentioned the bicycle helmet was spot on – Melissa needs a ASTM/SEI certified riding helmet. Take it from someone who has been tossed, quite literally, on her head. You want the right protection when those inevitable accidents happen. Good luck to you both!
Didn’t you get the idea that Melissa didn’t know how to deal with horses when she walked up to the stable in a bike helmet?
“You are probably wondering if I think about Melissa having an affair with the Farmer.
I do. I think about it all the time.”
Well, you Lefties think that all this morality stuff is silly, so I’d say it’s likely at some point.
Firstly, you know the heart of the man you’re with, is he self-seeking or self-less with you? that’ll give you a strong pointer as to whether he would cheat. As far as I can tell he seems like a solid character. Yes there’s always the moment of weakness when any of us can fail, but that’s more about avoiding obvious temptations.
Love is hard to do without trust, trust makes us vulnerable, Love is worth the risk.
I made it a policy not to sacrifice the present to a fear of something that may never happen. If (big if) it happens then deal with it then – it has done and continues to work for me.
Men who have all of their needs met by their wife are extremely unlikely to cheat.
Men with strong self esteem, who’re secure in themselves, are also less likely to cheat.
It’s also possible for men to divide sex from love, and for them to cheat on someone they love (see above) but this is rare.
Women who pay attention to their marriage and who take care of their appearance are unlikely to be betrayed.
As a married man who refuses to cheat,a young woman with a “hot” body is not the best person to keep in your own home with a husband. You seem fully aware of how attention-getting she looks to men, and you took some good pictures to prove it. As a married man it would be pleasant to have Melissa around, but also at least slightly tormenting. I guess if you wanted to get the Farmer at least a little worked up it’s a good thing, but in the interest of peacefulness, not the wise way to go.
You just need to trust the Farmer and Melissa and get those negative thoughts out as you might attract bad vibes that would make your imaginations come true.
Cheating is wrong. There is no denying that. Nonetheless, a cheater always has a reason to cheat. So, if your partner is cheating, then give it a thought. Where are you going wrong? If there is any mistake at your end, you can consider working it out. If you don’t see anything grave enough to drive him into the bed with another, then leave him. Drop him like a hot potato and don’t blame yourself for it at all. This is where I sign off!! Happy investigating!!
Hmm … that ring finger thingey is interesting, but I’ve been a truck driver for 23 years in an almost all-male (and extremely chauvinistic) profession. There are more women now-a-days, but still not many. I’ve more than stood my ground and even had men back down. My ring finger is a good 1/2 inch shorter than my middle finger … but then again, I am 5’11” and can project my voice. Love your blog!
And by the way, Geoff is right. Having a hottie like Melissa around the house is one more instance of the self-destructive behavior that people engage in. It’s fun and exciting to tempt fate but you’d be better off spending your paycheck on lottery tickets. At least in that case when lightning strikes it will be a good thing.
Love you.
HI, Love You. Being a women, I now felt that index finger in the women are shorter than men. Woh, I like your blog.Its fun to have affairs with men like farmers.
perfect home based business
Woh, I like your post. It is so interested like farmer has close relations with the woomen.
Mlm Info
Sounds like it is time for Melissa to take a vacation…away from the Farmer. People that Cheat either don’t know that they will cheat or will lie about it. You can ask Melissa and the Farmer all day long every day, but that will not stop it from happening. If the Farmer is the only game in town for Melissa and Melissa provides something that you do not to the Farmer, the conditions of cheating increase, especially as Melissa and the Farmer do more things together, such as the Horses. I believe that the Farmer will be the less likely to cheat, but cheating is rarely about logic, its about opportunity. Remove the opportunity and cheating rates fall to about zero.
You're in farm country. Farm families help out and let lost friends stay on while they find themselves. It's hard for others to relate to but when you have all this space what's one more mouth as long as they contribute in some way. On a farm you have all these animals already and everything to accommodate them. Farmers are also experts at "trying" new farm-ish things so a horse venture, not really all that big of a deal.
Farm families have weird rules when you look at the family tree and disinheriting over control issues is so common I can't begin to tell you how many of my friends have walked away from the family farm as a result. It's still so messed up but I bet even if you asked the Farmer he's probably not all that surprised it happened. My sister and I are the only two grandkids. We both walked away from a four-generation family farm and bought our own farms. No we don't farm together. No we don't know what will happen with the family farm and yes on most days we are JUST fine with it. There are days you get nostalgic, nobodies that perfect. Oh and no we didn't marry other farmers in-case the Farmer ask.
So will your live in friend have an affair with your spouse? Why not ask? I see NOTHING wrong with that and the whole notion of, "Did I give them the idea?" to me it is just silly. Let's hypothesis that she tries something, would he even consider following through with it? Look at that man. He's more complicated than his sexual needs and probably why you guys broke up so much but then figured it all out and got "married".
He's complex, he's patient, and he cares about you. Heck he cares about Melissa so why would he let her reduce herself to a cheat and reunion a friendship I am sure he realizes is good for both of you. To me this is no different than him considering your boys, his boys and being just fine with your ex coming out to the farm on Sunday's. He's secure and that makes all the difference.
BTW my ring finger is longer than my pointer finger, nope not a cheater hear but I do work in a male dominate field and have for my entire crazy complex career even attend a service academy. Never knew that before!
I had to come back and find this blog today. Over the past few weeks, I have been helping a friend out by letting her and her young daughter stay with us. Guess I should have paid more attention to my gut instincts. The thought that something would happen between my husband and her crossed my mind…then it happened. I wish so badly now that I had simply addressed the issue when my alarm bells went off, instead of after the fact. I hope, for your sake P, that you have listened to your own instincts on this one…I can’t even begin to tell you where I am at now, it hurts too bad and is too confusing.
I was always thinking,if prince charles is just an http://lanlinweddingdresses.blogspot.com fashion dresses , would 19 years old Diana marry him before kowning he has lover. Recently one of her tapes was opened to the public, she said the wedding day was the http://fashionupup.wordpress.com/2011/07/06/the-label-responsible-for-the-navy-dress-worn-by-kate black dresses in her life—-"My heart was as quiet as death, I feet as a lamp waiting to be killed."
What if you are working in fast food after college and can’t get anything else, even thought you went to a tier 1 university and had a high gpa? BA in economics.
I have been with my husband for 15 years, he used to try to rely on body language to try and work out if i was lying, he was a little paranoid. Now experience has taught him not to bother, it’s a bit a waste of time. I guess you have to finely tune you ability to read body language to get it right. Fortunately he’s given up and learnt to trust me and we have a happier marriage because of it!
You have instincts. Trust your instincts. Also, if it walks like a duck, well…
And I’ve asked this before: why is she there? Why not a place of her own nearby? Don’t farm hands usually live in the barn, not in the main house? I obviously have trust issues!