I once read about a company that had flowers delivered to all new employees on their first day. It has always stuck in mind as something that seems simple but would have a huge impact on how the person felt about the employer right from the beginning. Plus first days are exhausting and harrowing; flowers seem like such a nice gesture.

Penelope Trunk Brazen Florist!

I like that Maschda. I would love to get Penelope Trunk Brazen Florist to be the spokesperson for my new plant-focused web business. How about it Penelope?!

Bad question-asking Ted (T indended). Read Penelope's other blogs. I doubt you can get her to just boost your business because you want publicity ;-)
Better: Send her flowers! Offer to arrange them for the wedding..
You'll be guaranteed to make her happy. The farmer will have to keep up and will have to give her even more flowers to keep her happy. All because of you.

Mascha (no d)

Why just men, and why just flowers? Personally, like @Mascha, I prefer live plants (both to give and to receive).

Also, note that particularly prickly sorts might view giving flowers to a colleague as inappropriate.

I'd like to hear the flip-side: what about women giving flowers to men?

Wrong. Just wrong.

Unless given as a bed of rose petals with the lass reclining in a semi-clothed manner…

I have given flowers to my husband and he has given flowers to me.

We don't do that anymore, though, because these days flowers just remind me of my allergies, even if the flowers themselves aren't hugely allergenic. Flowers bum me out.

We more commonly give each other love notes and poems these days. Some other things we have both given each other: chocolates, stuffed animals, music mixes, sexy undies, jewelry.

Hi Penelope,

I love giving flowers, but it has to be the right flower for the right reasons. I think sending roses to a lady friend, in most circumstances, is cliche and, just as you suggested, screams "I hope to get laid!" The problem I have is that most people (men and women alike) haven't got a clue what is tasteful when it comes to sharing such a gift, or even a simple complement, as one respondent commented.

My suggestion…follow the KISS rule (Keep it Simple Sam). Small gestures and kind words go a long way without sounding trite or manipulative. Doing so regularly will make it real while sending a dozen roses because you want something is pathetic.

Around the office, keep cost in check by bringing cut flowers from home (lilacs, lilies, or hydrangeas are all fairly common plants in the yard that many of us here in the East have access to). I like to put a large vase on the front desk for everyone to enjoy, but then I also take smaller cuttings and spread them around the office, sharing them with teammates and other employees who could use a spiritual lift. If purchasing from a florist for an office-mate, avoid roses all together, regardless if you have romantic intentions…work is simply the wrong place for that. If I am bringing some home to the love of my life, then I do not choose a ready-made bouquet. I pick several flowers that catch my eye, add some greens, and then give my lady something unique and thoughtful…which is just the way she likes it!

Another interesting conversation, keep up the great work P!
Sam

So now you are just too uninvolved to proof your copy before posting?

Really? That's a lot of venom for a couple typos. Penelope has two kids, a business, a new fiance and this blog – cut her some slack.

Does "hat tip" mean "sponsored post?"

I mean, sponsored posts are fine. I just like to know one way or another when I'm reading one.

Edible Arrangements are nice. Especially chocolate dipped strawberries. All the hoopla of flowers, none of the perceived waste.Kind of fits both the male and female perspective as outlined in this article anyway.

I second that! Another great thing about edible arrangements is her/his coworkers can eat them too which is an extra bonus. And better than chocolate alone b/c you can get the healthy 'fruit only' version (which I sent to my mom and step-D on their anniversary while they were working the Jenny diet)or you can get some or all of it dipped. Flowers are nice too. :) Being acknowledged is nice!

It's simple. Flowers suggest that someone was thinking of you when you were not right there in their face. Who doesn't like a reminder that they were on someone's mind?

I think the follow-up post should be on why or why not I should send this post to my husband. Or is that too Tyler Cowen-esque?

Hmmm, I would be a bit freaked out if my boss bought me flowers at crunch time, especially if he bought all the women flowers but none of the men. And I'd much prefer a nice dinner or something tangible and lasting than flowers from a boyfriend.

ooo, good point here. Anything that unnecessarily points out that I am female at work is a bit inappropriate. I don't even like being ushered into the elevator first.

Thank you about the elevator comment Kelli. I'm all about being gentlemanly, but come on, why is it a ruckus is created at the elevator to ensure the women get on before the men as well as when they get off the elevator. Nothing burns me up more than waiting for 5 minutes for an elevator when a group of women come and jump right in front of me because they are "entitled" to do so. If the men do just get on the elevator in the order they lined up, they will get shitty looks from a good chunk of the women. It's ridiculous and it causes awkward delays when riding the elevator.

Great post Penelope – I think there is a lot to be said for "unexpected" flower (or other gift) giving. Somehow, things seem to resonate even more when they are totally unexpected. "Just for being awesome" gifts mean a lot – not to mention score you some mega points.

I think the farmer needs to set up an account at the local florist or start growing his own flowers (year round) or both.

Another stereotype about women. I'd far rather a bottle of wine than flowers.

In Russia, it is not uncommon to give flowers to a girl on a first date, on a second date, randomly whenever, when you have a birthday, when the guy is your friend and just feels like making you happy. I wish American men got that more. I've come to not expect flowers here and that is kind of sad.

Also, this post reminds me of the scene in Clueless when Cher sends herself flowers to draw a guy's attention.

I'm a man, and I have mixed feelings about giving flowers.

What I hate is when flowers are expected. Or the reception of them is like a check-off on a list. "Oh, he gave me flowers. That's one off on my list of things a guy should do." Sure, it helps the florist industry, but not much else.

Spontaneous, unexpected giving is another things. That includes managers at work. Flowers are great symbols; something beautiful, something living (at least for a few days). If it gets past all our previous images, it can go straight to the heart.

However, any time you say something like "guys should give flowers", you go to the first scenario: expectations.

Honestly? I think you're overthinking it. Yes, you should give things when you want to. But there are holidays on which gifts are traditionally given. Do you refuse to give those gifts unless you feel like it? If not, why are flowers different?

Besides, you're only half of the gift equation. The recipient's wishes matter as well. If you don't like the way yours and hers match up, that's an issue that has nothing to do with flowers.

Flowers won't get you laid, boys. We are way smarter than that and we are not even close to being that easy to please.

Stopping by with a pitcher filled with OJ he had just made immediately got my hot neighbor laid. (and married a couple of years later so careful).

Give, give give. Yes, please! But you are not obligated. You are, however, responsible for owning your sentiments and giving to those you desire *only* when it comes from a pure place.

.

Twice now, standing in line at Costco with flowers and a couple other items in hand, I have had women insist that I go before them in line. Not just the polite you go ahead dance that sometimes happens. One drove a medium full shopping cart from just in front of me to just behind me. Both said something like "it's a small thing to encourage guys to buy flowers."

All this flower talk reminds me of an incident that happened recently at work:
Two co-workers are dating. He sends her a dozen roses every other week which she proudly displays on her desk.

He received a promotion two years ago. When our company’s payroll clerk changed his payroll status to exempt she failed to change his child support deduction; shorting his child $26 a month. The clerk caught the error a couple of months later and brought it to his attention. He told her to leave it the way it is 'til his ex-wife catches it. She did. Now he has to pay the back child support plus interest and penalties. He says he can't afford it and we have to tell the child support case worker it is our fault. We did. She says no its not; it’s your responsibility to pay support for your child. Now pay up.

Did sending her flowers make him happy? yes
Did people think he was smarter? no
Did it make him a better manager? Since she is his assistant maybe, but it made everyone else want to vomit.

Meh, the reasoning here is not compelling. Reason #3 is not a reason for men to give women flowers per se, so set it aside. We're left with two reasons I should give her flowers: first, it makes her happy; second, it makes other people think I'm a sensitive guy. OK, but do these benefits outweigh the costs to the giver? They do if I'm not in a romantic relationship with the woman (e.g., if it's mom); but if I am, I suspect on average the costs definitely outweigh the benefits. Flowers may make women happy, but they also, for whatever reason, tend to make the giver seem less attractive. (If you're someone with "emotional intelligence", you surely know this intuitively.) Why make a girl happy if it also simultaneously makes you less attractive to her? Surely better to find a way to make her happy which doesn't have this effect.

I buy flowers occasionally but nothing beats having them bought for me. I'll be forwarding this post to my husband – and I bet I'm not the only one!

this is an ethnic and class thing rather than a gender thing. certain ethnicities of whitegirl from certain class tiers like flowers. the overwhelming majority of the world's women, not so much, even if one only considers westernised businesswomen 'women' (which appears to be the core presumption of the post).

Excuse me/us?

Girs of ANY color and background like an attentive gesture, besides, Penelope's point is that it makes the sender happy, it evokes smiles from the person who receives them, and is a positive influence in any environment (unless someone has allergies). Unlike your post.

not every culture has the same conception of what constitutes an attentive gesture. for the majority of women in the world, including westernised businesswomen, flowers don't evoke smiles and may be a negative in the environment (esp. work).

in any case, it is interesting how imperialist some folks get about what is and isn't universally accepted in interpersonal relations.

♣♧✻✼✽✾✿❀❁❃❄❅❆❉❊❋

here, some flowers for you.

Could you substitute a culturally appropriate gift for the term "flowers"? If so, then the wording is the issue, not the concept.

If the concept is the issue, then more explanation would be informative and educational.

What's your goal here?

Penelope, I think you are distracted. Your most recent post has glaring typos in it, and you seem to have written a quick post for the sake of getting out some material. I subscribed to this post for solid career advice. What happened to all that useful information?

Elizabeth, I think you are frustrated and in grave danger of becoming a member of a demographic –> bitter and/or a victim. This is NOT a good place to be, even (especially) if it's a justifiable resentment. There are a ton of similarities to relationships and employers. Relax, learn, and apply. If you want facts, go to a library. If you want insight and entertainment, you're inthe right place. Buy yourself some flowers already! :) (you're worth it)

Here's a relevant post/link for you: http://blog.engineeringsolutionsteam.com/?p=1523

I love this post! I love that you're probably getting more flowers now, too!

My fiance gave me flowers on our first date. It was a sorta blind date in that we met on Match and talked on the phone but hadn't met in person yet. So, I saw this guy on his cell phone across the street from me holding flowers (three roses, which was nice because it was flowers but not scarily overkill and hard to carry on a date like a bouquet would have been) and I knew it was him trying to give me directions. And when he finally gave me the flowers, I instantly knew I was going to love him unless he ended up being a puppy murderer or something.

Some might think that's overly romantic and stupid but I really knew from then on that he was completely different from any other man I'd ever dated just because of the flowers. No other man ever gave me flowers and all those other guys were psycho. I don't think that's a coincidence.

And, on our first Valentine's Day together, my fiance sent a huge bouquet of tulips (my favorite) to my job but I called out that day due to a snowstorm. So, he called Proflowers.com (better than FTD) and had them send me ANOTHER bouquet at home. Two bouquets.

Three years later, he still gets me flowers. I've given him what I call man flowers: orchids. It's good to give men flowers, too, but fatal to be a man who doesn't give women flowers because "they die." I love giving flowers to my girlfriends, too. Flowers are amazing.

Oh, and shoefly, I am not white or rich and I love getting flowers. What the hell?

I am a woman, and I really don't care about flowers and chocolate and other waste of time and money. I told my husband-to-be that with all that money he would waste on flowers, he could just buy me a condo in Hawaii or Apple stocks. Frequent vacations in Hawaii make me happy, flowers – meh.

Diamonds, real estate, and stocks are girls' best friends, not flowers. Maybe because women like touchy-feely stuff and people think that it will do for a woman, we earn less, the poverty is higher among women than men. We just get "flowers" in this life, instead of the real thing.

I think Lien is right. Penelope says, "…men are conditioned to react very positively to a real smile."

Well, we know women are conditioned to "react very positively" towards the boss even when only receiving a token of appreciation, not "the real thing" – like putting us in for a promotion or a raise.

Imagine this scene, "Hey Bob, nice work on that proposal! Here's a pretty pink rose for you!" LOL

LOL. Thanks, Penelope.
You got me flowers… :D

I would love to still get flowers from my husband, but flowers at work were an obvious sign of guilt/superiority on the part of managers who made ten times what the women were making.

Don't call me a cynic. I just think flowers are a way to say first, "you are a woman" and second, "thank you" when given at work. No man I every knew at work would want or expect to get them. It's patronizing.

And Secretaries Day? Don't get me started! FYI: I was not a secretary, I was a salaried supervisor, but I felt sorry for women who were rewarded for their hard work with flowers instead of bonuses and promotions (like men get). I never gave flowers. I would rather take someone out to lunch or give them gift certificates if I couldn't give them a bonus.

so true. there might have been a time where people (aka women) were tired of the cliché of getting flowers. certainly there most be some basis for men to think so.

nowadays, it is so rare to receive flowers, that when we do, we are always impressed and happy. i say this should be a revival of flower-giving! :)

I think the comments on this post explain extremely well why a lot of men don't give flowers. Some of us love them and some of us think they're a waste; it's probably tough to know who is in which camp.

I rarely receive flowers but to my man's credit, he often sends me balloons "from" my dogs on Mother's Day (I don't have kids). It's cute and sweet and just thoughtful. Especially since he's a frugal guy, I know he cares enough to "throw away" some money just to make me smile.

Hm. I am a woman who doesn't like to get flowers.

See, I have cats. Cats who are driven by their silly little feline minds to seek out and consume all plant life that enters my house. And then, of course, they will find a nice spot of rug on which to vomit undigested plant matter.

So, while I appreciate flowers for their color and scent, I hate to get them as presents because to me flowers = cat puke.

I also don't have much of a sweet tooth, so I don't care for chocolate either. A nice tray of exotic/gourmet cheeses and meats, however….!

Bottom line, little gestures to show your partner (wife, girlfriend, significant other, friend, colleague, etc…) that you care and appreciate them are always welcome… Just be sure that you know your audience!

Loved this post–so right on. My DH never, ever sends flowers, but I love him anyway. I'm encouraging him to give flowers to our daughter every year on her birthday (she's a toddler now). He doesn't understand it, but my father did it for me and I always looked forward to it. Maybe our son will see this and understand the value in such a gesture (and hopefully duplicate it when he's older).

Regarding chivalry; I now live in the South and was very uncomfortable at first with all the door opening and such for me…it just felt awkward. However, after a few years…it has grown on me and I now love it. L-U-V it. I appreciate when complete strangers take twenty seconds out of their day to help me out.

Just my two cents worth…oh, and Rainy, your guy sounds ADORABLE. Good for you!

Sarah, I am not from the South either, from Wisconsin, but I love the Southern manners as well, can't wait for my daughter to grow up here. Men (and women) are just so much kinder to each other down here.

I literally have to drive through most stop signs as there is always someone waving me ahead, even if I didn't stop first. it's easier driving down here as well, people are really kind and don't cut you off like they do up north.

But as long as there's always the chance we won't get laid, why should we give flowers?

:)

Women like to be fed. maybe not chocolate, but fruit, tea, homegrown vegatables, juice, etc. They like that. women tell me that is what they like about me, i'm always feeding them – something healthy, and tasty. They say it makes them feel secure, like i'll take care of them.

or buy them something that grows, like a plant. or that you grew, like a cucumber. fuck flowers.

I have 3 flower related work stories to share:
1) At the end of my first week at my new job I arrive to work and there is a huge gorgeous bouquet of fresh spring flowers at my desk. I open the card and it just has my boss' signature. I shove the card in the envelope and I have no idea what to think and I am actually a bit confused. And I think oh sh*t does my new boss have a crush on me? My new male colleague asks me who the flowers are from and I am so out of sorts that I just quietly say our boss'name and I am sure I must have had a funny look on my face because my colleague says oh don't worry he gives flowers to all new employees – the guys too! Phew big sigh of relief. And sure enough the following week a new french colleague Jean-Luc started and he got the same bouquet!
2) Same workplace now about a year later and at lunch I walked by an outdoor flower vendor and bought a big bouquet of white lilies. The smelled delicious and looked so pretty on my desk, right up to the time my work colleague said he was allergic to lilies and sneezed all day long.
3) My boyfriend (now husband) sent me flowers to work only once in our 11 yrs together. Though we lived in Munich, I was working in Spain on a project and he was in Australia working for 3 months. We hadn't seen each other in a while and I got a dozen pink roses on my birthday (my favorite color). It was impressive as he didn't know exactly where I was in Madrid as the company has many locations. So he had to figure it out and order flowers from overseas, time difference etc…it meant a lot.

@CT on 2009-11-03 13:58:06

What do you mean when you say " A plan would be to give flowers sparingly as a reward when she has been extra sweet to you or done something extra special."?

So she should dó something to deserve flowers. As a reward?

What happened with a nice gesture. Giving flowers can be unconditional and selfless? Or while secretly hoping the flowers will make her feel special and think about you (more) positively?

Hi Mascha,

Giving flowers so that she will think about you more positively is like trying to buy her affection. You are trying to buy her. That is treating her like a prostitute—paying her for her affection/attention/favor. If you have respect for a woman and respect for yourself, you will not treat her like that.

A woman that feels entitled to special treatment or in fact needs some kind of special treatment in order to feel good about herself is a sick woman and not worth your attention.

You don't owe a woman (or anybody else on this planet for that matter) anything. However, if they have earned your trust and respect and you feel moved to surprise them with something nice, I think that is appropriate. Be sure about your motives though. And keep in mind that this occurs after they have earned your trust and respect (and affection)—not before.

CT

You've turned a nice gesture of kindness or affection into a pretty manipulative scenario.

Here's a spanner in your works: I'm a woman and I DON'T like getting flowers. Riddle that one.

I am a florist and wanted to say thanks! It's a great article and I to believe sending and receiving flowers and plans do make people happy. Getting it right as a florist also makes us happy.

I was going to give you something pithy, but then I realized my male brain likely won't convey what I'm trying to communicate correctly.

You made me smile as always though. :)

Penelope,

I don't like receiving flowers for all the reasons you listed about why men don't like giving flowers. Also, they take up too much room. And they embarrass me at work.

When I get them delivered to my home, they sit forever because I feel too bad for the flowers to throw them in the trash. The trash does not seem like the right place for flowers. (I live in the city – no compost heap.)

So the dead leaves collect all over the floor, and the water turns yellow in the vase, and I usually have dead flowers for several months before I throw them away. At which point they are so dried out that to touch them makes petals and leaves scatter all over the floor. So then I have to vacuum up my dead flowers.

I've never had the courage to admit this to my family, which sends me flowers all the time. My husband knows, however, and he stopped sending them to me at work when I put the roses under my desk to hide them.

What does it all mean?

Give flowers to a love one shows respect, show how much you love that person….flowers at times replaces words that can't be expressed about how you feel about that person and what that person means to you.

Cheers.

Anyone can give flowers, it means nothing. Give something meaningful instead.

Write a poem.

Draw a picture.

If you give someone that no one else can give, it will matter a lot more.

Anyone can cough up a few bucks and buy flowers. That's just too easy.

My boyfriend will give me everything but flowers but finally last year for Valentine's Day I said all I wanted was a bouquet of flowers. He asked where he could get flowers in February. I told him they do have Florist Shops now-a-days, but that even Stop & Shop sells flowers. I think he's in a time warp. What's interesting about him not wanting to give me flowers (he thinks they are a cliche), is that every year for Christmas, along with other presents, I give him an amaryllis bulb in a pot, which he loves to watch grow.

He did get me a bouquet of 3 red roses that he bought at Stop & Shop on Valentine's Day which made me happy but then he also surprised me with a beautiful easel (I'm an artist) and that really took my breath away. Needless to say, that was a very special Valentine's Day.