Congratulations Penelope! It's been fun reading the developments with the Farmer. I wish you luck in this next chapter of your lives.

Mazel-tov!

I grew up in a small town in New England. Graduating class of 90, largest to ever go through my school.

I went to the top engineering school in the country. I had friends in my class who went to Ivies and "Little Ivies".

College admission offices get that you can't take all APs your senior year because they aren't offered at your school. The question in their minds are instead, what did you do to replace that opportunity.

And what is great in a small school is you can really make yourself stand out in any way you'd like and everyone is willing to help. So, there is no orchestra? If your son really wants to play, he can work with the music teacher to start a chamber music group. No private soccer coaching? Work with the soccer coach to go to AAU camps or similar. The opportunities are there, you just find them a bit differently than you do in the city.

Congratulations, Penelope – wishing you and the farmer every happiness in your new life together :-)

Hi Penelope,

I've been reading your blog for a long time now and just wanted to come across and wish you all the best with this new change in your life. Even though I only know "the farmer" from your articles, this sounds like a lovely way to raise a contented family. I hope you'll all be very happy together, learn a lot from this new experience, and discover lots of wonderful benefits from living away from the city!

Congratulations to you all!

I love, love, love this story. Small towns can be limiting socially and academically but ultimately if someone wants to be a high achiever the town is usually very supportive of their efforts. I grew up on a farm in SW Minnesota and went on to do a bunch of cool things yet now my 5-year plan is to own a small farm of my own. Good luck and congratulations!

I grew up on a farm in SW Minnesota too, and I echo your analysis of small towns. Went far away to college, now looking at top law schools… my brother is thinking about taking over the farm and eventually I will probably help him.

Congratulations! I have loved reading about you and the farmer and I am so pleased to hear this.

Congratulations! It sounds like a new adventure is beginning … with the prerequisite challenges, obstacles and learning opportunities. I'm sure I speak for all your readers when I say that we look forward to learning about your experiences, both good and bad, as you step into a new stage in your life. (And I'm sure you already know how to "watch your step" at the farm.)
Best of luck for a long and enjoyable marriage !
D.Wheeler

Congrats!

I think you're right about the giving-your-kids-what-you-didn't-have part. They will thank you later. And, other people on farms are driven too. Check out The Pioneer Woman. So many comments.

The farmer is right. Kids–and people of all ages–need to feel love and need to feel secure. If you give them that, then they can achieve anything.

And what of these achievements? Really, who cares if your kid is a valedictorian? Who cares if they go out to make a bazillion dollars when they're older? I'm not saying that we shouldn't challenge our kids (and ourselves) to be the best people they can be and to live up to their potential, but maybe we ought to stop with the "you have to be #1 or you suck" kind of thinking. A lot of #2s, 3s, and 47s are doing fine in this world.

We as parents (and people in general) ought to be emphasizing compassion in addition to competitiveness. Our job is to raise productive, well-adjusted adults–not world class cellists and soccer stars. I think I'd rather raise a kid who always appreciates music or sports rather than one who gets burned out on them before s/he hits high school.

So, sorry for the rant. I really meant to say good luck. Take the leap. But in the meantime, cut yourself–and your kids–some slack.

I have to agree with this. Kindness is an underrated virtue.

Congratulations, P! I grew up on a farm near a small town (population 800) in Iowa and even though we didn't have an orchestra or swim team, I don't feel that limited my choices at all.

I do, however, think that peer pressure and peer activity are big leading indicators of success later in life. In my high school it was almost looked-down-upon to be smart, so I dropped out of TAG and AP courses because I didn't want to stand out. When I was in junior high and high school, I failed to recognize how important WHERE you go to college really is in setting the path for your life. I had good grades, applied to state schools, and got in and did fine, but if I had to do it again I would try to graduate valedictorian and get into an Ivy League school just to take advantage of the relationships that are formed in that type of environment. I was nearly 30 years old before I understood that being surrounded by individuals who are driven and intellectually curious helps drive me. Now I seek those people out. I wish I had done it sooner in life.

BUT since you have the pedigree and the background (something my parents, fantastic people with no post-secondary education lacked) to identify these opportunities for your kids and make sure that they're making the right choices.

I guess that's just a long way of saying, your kids will be fine. Go ahead and take the leap. You could do a lot worse for your kids than raising them on a farm in the Midwest.

Again, congrats!

Congratulations, Penelope!

Fifteen years ago, I married a small town guy and moved to that small town with a seven-year-old. It took a long time for me to be comfortable here — mainly because I'm a little bit of a snob. My son, on the other hand,took to small town life like a duck to water.

I'm lucky my husband and son are sweet, compassionate people. They have been very patient as I worked through my snobbery.

I've come to realize that marching band and football are as good as cello and soccer.

Also (and I always knew this on some level) kids own themselves from the minute they are born. You can put a cello in front of a kid, but if he wants to play tuba, he'll find a way to ditch the cello and play tuba.

I think you're approaching your transition with absolutely the correct attitude. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

Many Congratulations!!

Um, I think this is a leap of insanity not faith. Try living with the farmer on the farm for 6-8 months and then see how you feel.

Two different backgrounds, two different worlds. I predict intense culture shock in your future. Of course, all this can be overcome if you have similar goals and values but from what you have written, that doesn't strike me as exactly your case.

At the heart of it, the farmer seems sounds like a do-it-yourselfer and you, girlfriend, are not. How does the farmer feel about the house assistant and nanny? You also strike me as a little needy. The farmer sounds more solitary and self reliant.

So, I advice drinking the milk for a few months before buying the cow. Oh, and get a prenup!

Dang right. Visiting a farm and living on a farm are vastly different things. (You forgot to mention her cleaning service. PT will be the first farm wife I know with domestic staff.)

I've known farming families with domestic staff. It's actually not uncommon.

It's definitely a different life and farms, by their nature, tend to be far from urban centres, but they're not void of luxury. In fact, I grew up around farming families who felt a cleaning service was essential.

Farming is a business, like any other, and sometimes you need support staff.

Mazel tov.

Not that it's any of my business, but now I wonder what happens with your arrangement with the boys' father. Is he moving to the farm too? ;-) I've always admired your ability to maintain such a congenial relationship with your ex.

Mazel tov!

It sounds like you're approaching marriage and this life-change in a very pragmatic way. I think that's the way it should be. It is working for me!

Congrats Penelope! I completely understand this worry of yours:

"But if I didn’t marry the farmer, I would be worried, forever, that I should have married him".

I had that as well so I married the salesman and we are 21 years married.

Congratulations! I grew up on a farm not very far from Darlington and did the "#1" thing at a small school. I don't feel it limited my choices at all. In fact, pulling the "I grew up on a farm" card in essays appeals strongly to the our inherited yeoman farmer myth and can net all kinds of acceptance letters and scholarships for your kids. And, after a decade of wandering, I'm planning on a farm and family of my own in the next few years. Dig your roots in deep, undulate with the seasons, work hard, get reliable high speed wi-fi, and enjoy!

You are so lovely and your blog is one of my absolute favorite reads. Congratulations, you deserve this happiness.

Penelope! Congrats! This is so great. When I started reading this post, I had no idea what was to come. Best wishes to you both. Do you plan to get married at the farm? :)

Love that you are taking the leap! That is what life is all about, taking leaps and having faith in your instincts.
This could be the start of a whole new blog…life on the farm!
Congratulations!

Congratulations P!
I feel very happy for you reading this and touched by your realization of what's important for your kids.

My kids were also raised in a small Wisconsin town, with graduating high school classes of less than 100. Today they are grown and very successful. Some still live in Wisconsin, others have moved out East. Like everyone above said, kids choose their own way no matter what direction we parents push them. Who's to say your sons will want to play cello or soccer in 1-2 years anyway, wherever they live? By then it may be guitar and football. Or 4-H.

If you and the farmer always provide a loving home for your boys, one where they feel accepted and secure, they can manage fitting into a new school and meeting new people. Growing up on a farm as a bonded family will give your boys values for life that far exceed orchestra and soccer. Strength, security, self-knowledge and love.

May God guide and bless you in this new chapter of your life. He can make it work.

No matter the size of the high school, you can still provide opportunities to your children. And, they can still achieve great things. My high school graduating class had 30 people. I grew up in a farming community of 700 residents. I am currently working on a PhD and doing great! An added bonus, my best friend from school is still my best friend. The community is so small that they become your family too.

I grew up in a town of 900 people, 2 hours from the closest "city" and 6 hours from the closest city anyone has every heard of. I have a PhD from Stanford University — anything is possible.

What's the over-under for how long these people stay together?

Probably a week, and then another blogpost on how to learn to listen to your "2nd voice" and change your mind.

Nah, Ranjit: It lasted a full six weeks.
The soap opera is getting better by the minute. Good writing; check out the post from Dec 5 or 6. It has tears and everything

Congratulations Penelope!

after reading this, I read your first post where you introduced him. Knowing the outcome makes the first one much more moving.

Congratulations, best wishes and all that.

Congratulations!

I grew up on a farm and loved it. Having all that space, all the animals, and fresh air was refreshing and calming.

Congratulations, Penelope! I think anything worth pursuing requires some leap of faith. I'm so excited that you are going for this; and I'm confident that your kids will do great. I know you don't post a lot (or any?) photos on this blog, but when the wedding happens, I'd love to see a photo or two of the big day! Congratulations again. Wishing you both the very best.

Congratulations! I agree with most here, just love the kids and they will turn out fine. It really doesn't matter where you are from, just where you are going. If your sons have half of your perseverance, they will do whatever they want in life and be happy. Enjoy your life together!

PS. I enjoy your open and honest writing.

de-lurking to wish you the very best. really, so so so happy for you!

First and foremost, congratulations! I must say, however, that your insinuation regarding the lack of opportunity in smaller towns reeks of the snobbery that residents of said smaller towns face on a constant basis. I did not attend a private school (some would say I graduated from one of the worst public school systems in the country); I did not attend an Ivy League college (some would say I graduated from a mediocre, at best, state school); I did attend a "top 25 regional" graduate school (and, realizing that it wasn't Ivy League, I must say the opportunities were not terribly different from those I encountered at the undergraduate state school but it cost me a hell of a lot more money) and I did not land a job at a big investment firm. I couldn't have done any of those things as I had my first child when I was 19; there was no money for a diploma from Harvard and there weren't enough hours in my day for a job at an investment bank. However, through all of my mediocrity, I have gained a sense of self worth and confidence that will take me wherever I choose to go.
With that said, I admit that I have not chosen to go anywhere. This is not because I don't have a desire to try new things or prove to the world that those of us born in mediocre areas can, in fact, beat the hell out of those who weren't; it is because I am the single mother of two children who have grown up here and who need the support of their extended family. I have sacrificed a big career (thus far – I fully intend to capitalize on my experience and knowledge when my kids are in college) and much bigger money, but the result is well worth the sacrifice. My kids are growing up in a loving, familiar environment and although they might not have access to the best coaches, trainers and musicians; they have me. I can do anything I want to do and, based on my experience, I can do it better than 90% of the population. My self confidence translates into their self confidence; I am absolutely convinced that my children can do whatever they want to do and I remind them of that everyday. Differences in environment do not translate to differences in desire, ability or intelligence; at the end of the day, aren't those a few of the most important characteristics of highly successful individuals regardless of their origin?

P-Lope:

Mazel Tov; I will skip the intermarriage manifesto because you are a sophisticated woman.

So, you are betting the farm with the Farmer, or on the Farmer?

Betting the Farm….

One word before signatures: Background-Check.

A loving marriage is an indescribable blessing. Best wishes to you, and congratulations to the farmer!

If it makes you feel better, I credit my high-achieving ways partly to having grown up on a farm, in middle-of-nowhere Georgia, until age 13. We were so far out, we couldn't even get cable! Although it was lonely sometimes (I was an only child), it encouraged me to read ALL THE TIME and to develop a broad imagination. It's also lovely to spend so much time close to the natural environment and to have the freedom to enjoy outdoor pets like dogs and horses that are harder to keep in the city or the 'burbs.

Congratulations Penelope!

Perhaps this will ease your mind regarding farm life for kids. I was born and lived in the city until about age 10 when my family moved up north to a farm. At the age of 20 I moved back to the big city and I honestly feel that I had a better upbringing then most of my city friends. It's true that they had some opportunities that I did not, like being on the top athletic teams in the country, having newer books and computers in their schools. But the things I learned and the the freedom and opportunities I gained being on a farm are life lessons that I took with me. I learned to drive before anyone else, I can build and fix just about anything and being in a small community gives you a real sense of belonging that you don't get in a city. The athletic teams at my school were still very competitive but every kid got a chance to be on a team, not just the best kids. We also learned to be very creative with ourselves, because there wasn't as much to do as in the city. I helped bring animals into the world, nursed them when they were sick and buried them when they died, and most of my city friends have never even had pets.

I am glad that I had the chance to experience life on a farm and feel that it made me a stronger and hardier person today.

Good luck!

Congratulations!

Congratulations.

I wouldn't worry too much about lack of opportunities for your boys. A lot of the opportunities in life are acquired through the experience one gains in taking the road less traveled.

I think the typical middle to upper middle class person who lives in a rural area tends to develop stronger life skills than a comparable city person. When your nearest neighbor is 5 miles away, you tend to develop a stronger sense self reliance and imagination. Also, one tends to appreciate their family a bit more.

All of the farmers I've met have been pretty well rounded. They have to know business, they have to know mechanical stuff, and they have to know the science of agriculture.

Best of Luck.

I, too, got married even though I was worried about it. Like you, I knew I would be worried about it no matter what. So far, it has been the best choice I have ever made. My husband deployed a month after we got married. It was still the best choice I have ever made.

I am envious of your soon-to-be farm life and look forward to (hopefully) more farm-related posts :).

Congratulations!

Oh. Em. Gee.

Congrats, right?

I am impressed by this post. Being able to self-analyze to such a degree is a skill, and takes courage. Adding children to the mix I'm sure only increases the need for both the skill and the courage. The honesty and lack of sarcasm in this post made it heart-felt and I'm sure you and the farmer will be successful in your marriage.

P: your kids will be OK living on a farm. They'll find what they need. I'm a long time tech guy and now live in a rural/farming border area (still consulting with tech co's and writing) and came to realize that I prefer the company of farmers to VC's. They're more interesting people.

It sounds like the farmer knows what he's getting himself into, as do you. All is well. Good luck to both of you. It's great fun reading what you write.

Well, somehow I could sort of see this coming, really. I'm thrilled for you and the farmer.

More and more I see the need to "get out of my head" when I spend too much time online. If you do too, then the remote farm location will (overall) help and not hurt your business, I would think.

Congratulations and mazel tov!

mazel tov!
just live in the moment.
-heidi

You go girl.

Congratulations, Penelope to you, the Farmer and your kids!

You raised thoughtful questions in your blog and have received some great advice. I'll just add the following:

–Having been engaged for about 11 years before I agreed to get married on April Fool's Day (my choice) in 2003, I often wonder why I waited. (I always felt like I was Carrie in Sex & the City. I was fine being a fiance and okay with the idea of being a wife; I just didn't want to be a bride.) I'm so delighted you're moving forward, especially since you have children. (My now husband finally convinced me to marry him because he didn't want our puppy living in an unwed household.)

–Living in a small midwestern town and a farming community provides its own educational and cultural opportunities, as many of your readers have noted. And when it's time to apply to colleges, those of us from tiny towns and small schools can stand out more than those from New Trier and other well-respected and big schools.

– Being out in the sticks these days doesn't mean you're out of sight and out of mind. The internet and everything associated with it can keep you connected to the world. The connectivity we have today is so wonderful, compared to just a few years ago.

Enjoy! And please keep all of us a part of your new life! We want to hear how you're doing.

Oh Penelope!! I want to hug you. This is wonderful! I could tell right from the very beginning that your thing with the farmer was special. I'm so happy for you.

There's nothing wrong with being worried. We all worry. We also take chances and root for love. It's a beautiful thing and makes me so happy to read it. Thank you for sharing the great news!

Congratulations and hugs from another of your many, many fans…

Congrats Penelope!

I wouldn't worry that you're worrying. I think everyone worries about marriage – whether they are making the right choice or not. It's easy to start overanalyzing, to get cold feet, to feel panicky, etc. That's normal behavior and happens when it comes to making any big decisions in life. But you know yourself best and if this feels right in your heart, I say go for it!

I knew you two were a perfect match when I read this Tweet…

http://twitter.com/penelopetrunk/status/4590819777

Congrats! Hope you blog about the wedding in real time… better yet, do a live feed! Invite us all!

You can only love and support your kids, trust that you'll know -how- to achieve that as situations arise.

Hmm.

Best of everything?

Happy

The Best

Guess which group of owners have more fun.

Pen, the "best" is subjective. Go for happy. Happy id probably the best for you.

i am so happy, i am doing a happy jig. right now. on my table. in my underwear. wait, what?

but really. this is such a sweet surprise. i couldn't be happier. and i can't wait to see what happens next. xo

Congratulations! I'm jealous: Darlington sounds like a wonderful place.

Congratulations!

Congratulations!!! I wish you all the best!

All the very best wishes!!! Love is often not convenient, and I applaud you for following your heart! Congratulations on your wonderful adventure ahead.

Hi,

Your children need the faithfulness and unconditional love of the farmer for you. Your children need a Father. The farmer loves you and your children, live in that. Take delight that this may wants to give his life to you and his children.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

Tim

Maztel tov, Penelope. Nothing but good wishes to you.

What a beautiful, doubt-defying leap! I am, from-the-heart happy for you, your sons and your fiance, Penelope. Just darling ;-)

Hey, two tangential thoughts just came to mind:

1. http://www.brazenfarmer.com
2. http://www.farmingcareerist.com

Oh, the possibilities in love-mergers…

Ha ha ha! Yes, the farmer totally needs his own Brazen Farmer blog.

Penelope, all the "worrying" you describe–this is perhaps your code word for "planning". And as parents, how can we help but plan for our childrens' happiness, as much as possible.

However, only you can decide if the planning/worrying is a more important rule of life than living one day at a time. On the farm. In a more serene atmosphere. Surrounded by the farm work ethic and (most importantly) the sunny, loving, supportive qualities of the Farmer himself.

Farmer, if you are still reading the comments, note bene: You are marrying an Einstein, a brilliant, quirky, bold, dramatic person. Don't be afraid. She says you have soothing ways . . . so we know you can complement Penelope's qualities. Steady now. Give one another a lifetime to groom this relationship/marriage to its best.

Chris

No matter where you are, you can open the world to your children. Plus, you're not that far from Madison. Son can still take cello lessons, people all over do this sort of thing. And the joy of growing up on a farm, in a closely knit community far outweigh your concerns. You're a really smart woman, your kids are going to have the best of both worlds! Best wishes to you, the farmer and your children. Enjoy!

There was some point I arrived at while reading your blog – it must have been that post about "the babies" (abortion – not the last one – the one b/f that) or the one about your gut-wrenching childhood for which you have little memory, that I started to think the farmer and the farm were perfect for you. I am not nearly this hopeful about remarriage. I have been remarried, and when I remarried I had a child. He had never been married or had children, but we were still a blended family – dealing with my divorce; my ex; visitation issues; custody; trials; error. This is not easy, but, you know, it's easy to believe in a man who would return to the farm. And for as revealing as you get on this blog sometimes, Penelope, he must love you very much. And, it sounds like he might even love those boys, and your debut in Darlington is long-awaited. And, if you love him, and boy, it sounds like you do, then your half way to success. Besides, who is to say they'll want to play the cello. They may want to farm. Yes, at some point after months of reading your blog I was saying to myself, "No wonder she moved to Wisconsin. She belongs on farm."

Now, this is getting long. I'm happy for you. I'm leaving you with one of my favorite Springsteen tunes. Have you heard it? I bet the farmer has:

Driving in to Darlington County
Me and Wayne on the Fourth of July
Driving in to Darlington County
Looking for some work on the county line
We drove down from New York City
Where the girls are pretty but they just want to know your name

Driving in to Darlington City
Got a union connection with an uncle of Wayne's
We drove eight hundred miles without seeing a cop
We got rock and roll music blasting off the T-top singing

I'm actually sort of jealous. I grew up in Dubuque, Iowa, which I would guess you'll be visiting from time to time, and would love to live in Madison. I currently teach at New Trier, which is a great place to work, but I miss having the chance to be out the city in just a few minutes. Last night was Lagniappe here at New Trier; what a hoot!

Wow!!!

I've followed your blog for a long time and I don't know when I have ever been as surprised as I've been reading this post.

As a committed follower of Jesus (the word Christian carries a lot of baggage in our culture) there are a lot of differences about how we see life. However, I love reading about your life and your thoughts because of your unique perspective and dead-on view about communication and openness.

I say a hearty "Go for it" to your decision to marry the farmer and move you and your kids. It won't be easy, and you know that. The best decision I ever made was deciding to spend my earthly life with my wife. Sure some of my plans for myself don't quite look what I thought they would be, but the love and relationship I have is something I treasure now and will throughout eternity.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to marry the farmer and love him and to keep on loving him. There is something built into kids where they want to be part of a loving family. As a child, the greatest fear I would experience was the fear when my mom and dad would be fighting. My very soul wanted them to get along and love each other. Kids need to see that and I think your kids will.

Congratulations! And kudos to you for taking this "leap of faith" in your relationship!

Grace and Peace.

A farm is a *wonderful* place for an Asperger kid to grow up!

The healthiest, whole-est Aspies I know all grew up on farms. They didn't learn to dislike themselves. They failed to learn that they didn't fit in. They just did what they do, independent of others' opinions, and grew into funky, brilliant, and peaceful adults.

All those "advantages" you give up by not living in a big city are artificial. Going to the "best school" is important if you want to be funnelled into the top executive position at a top firm. But if you want to do your own thing and start your own business (which is a far better plan for an Aspie anyway), you need openness, ideas, confidence, and joy in life.

What's better for a kid – to play cello in a school orchestra, or to play it on a hill in the wind?

Blessings on your new life path!

The Aspie thing: I'm sure you've thought of Temple Grandin and how she made her way in academia with her human animal chutes beginnings . . . Talk about thriving!!!
Chris

Congratulations! One of the things that I have truly enjoyed about your blog is its complete open and honest tone. Thank you for sharing your life, and best wishes for a happy farm life!
Peace – Patrice

Congratulations, of course. I do understand your concerns about your children's opportunities.
I grew up in a place just like Darlington. I was the top 4-Her in the county and amassed a pretty significant resume every year for my fair projects, youth leadership events and my officer positions. I was the only non-farm kid at the fair every year.
I won all my local scholarships on my way off to college. Our band (not orchestra, but there are bands) competed state wide and I was so successful on my instrument I studied it in college.
I won scholarship and opportunity to mulitple schools. I got to my first private college on a near-full ride and lost it by my second sememester. I learned my lesson, transfered to state school and have since managed to undergraduate degrees, a master's and my Ph.D.
Like you, I've combined those skills into many jobs, including academia and professorships, consulting and public speaking. I've had three separate careers thus far (I now work in PR not too far from you in Darlington) and am still a "joiner" –I'm a big advocate of working women's organizations and am a part of the AAUW.
The point is, I think my small town, my "lack" of opportunities taught me to soak up anything and everything I can get my hands on. When I did go off to college, I did it full force (even the partying, at first).

I think the perceived limits of a small place with fewer choices trains to you make better choices, to appreciate them and to seek them out. I constantly found ways to be challenged, to exceed and be creative. I could have gone to a fancy high school, I could have been living in New York where the possbilities seem endless-but don't forget, endless possibilities can be paralyzing. My small town was motivating.
Good luck to you and your children.

CONGRATS, Penelope! I cannot believe you've moved w/in about 20 miles of where I grew up in Mt. Horeb, WI. Next thing you know you're going to be writing about your dream job as a cheese maker…;)

BEST!
Brian Kurth
VocationVacations
Brian Kurth + Co.

Congratulations! The farmer is very lucky!

Nice! Congratulations!

I went to what's now ranked as the #1 public high school (Thomas Jefferson, in northern Virginia). They told us how smart we were and how we'd accomplish so much. That's a dangerous environment — so much praise leads to swollen heads, an attitude of entitlement, and anxiety over "gee, I'm not going to an Ivy League school, am I going to survive in the world?" I've done OK since then — at 27, I'm NOT the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, but so what? With your and the farmer's influence, I think your kids will do fine, regardless of location. Good luck, and congratulations!

My semianniversary (6 months) of wedded bliss is on Sunday. My husband is an incredible partner, and he makes my life so much sweeter, richer and better thought-out. I found being engaged terrifically terrifying. I would come over for the weekend and cry. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, I wasn't sure I wanted to be married. He would ask me what being married meant, and slowly we were able to deconstruct it. We decided what being married would mean for us, and it's meant such wonderful things. And we were married six months ago. I'm truly happy, and very privileged, and very lucky.

I love this blog, I love how forthcoming you are, I love learning about your life and reading your advice.

Enjoy this next adventure!

Congratulations on a real adventure! I am a city girl who moved to the country, and I can assure you, you have a lot of surprises coming, and very few of them are unpleasant. If your cellist son ends up playing only for his enjoyment, isn't that enough? This adventure may send him in an entirely different, and maybe more appropriate, direction — you won't know until he's 35 anyway, so let the chips fall where they may, and embrace the change! Many best wishes to you ALL for a well-lived life together. cvc

Dear Penelope,
The bad news: if you're accustomed to city life (and especially if you've never lived anywhere else), you will be miserable in a small town in Wisconsin. There's no way around it. You keep mentioning "serenity" and "farm" in the same sentence. Oh that is romantic, but no; sorry. Some of the country's most heard-rending stories are played out in the lives of the inhabitants of small-town midwesterners (though they will insist this is the UPPER midwest). I'm afraid, too, that as a mother you will be alarmed by the lack of social services and by the generally conservative and intolerant attitude of the locals. Also, please note that visiting the farm is nothing like living on the farm.
You will fall in love again.
I wish you good luck.

Bronwen Rowlands,
Don't worry about her- all of what you mention will end up as her blogger-tisement fodder in the future.

Just sit back and watch the trainwreck as it progresses.

If you're making a good decision for you – and it appears that your are – then you're making a good decision for your sons. Congratulations and much happieness.

I see the story of you and the farmer as a romantic comedy. It's a natural. But who should play you and who should play the farmer?

Oh! And congratulations! :)

It can be safe to change. Commit to growing, that is what I did. My farmer is a musician however the gifts they offer sound very similar.
My son has been enriched beyond my understanding. My sincere best wishes. Your instincts are great!

I don't get it. Why do you need to get married? Why do you need to show your kids you're buying into this artificial social construct? Be with who you want but do you really need the law or religion to give you the stamp of approval? I am surprised you feel you need to make this decision. That said, I wish you the best.

The stereotype in Silicon Valley was that kids off the farm did well since they were so conscientious and hard-working. I'm one generation removed from that but the effect hasn't completely worn off. Good luck.

By the way, google blogsearch doesn't rank this post as #1. Please try harder as you settle in to the next phase of life :-)

http://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&q=darlington+wisconsin&spell=1&oi=spell&sa=X

Congratulations, Penelope. I was a single mom and had an opportunity to marry a farmer type person.
My son didn't like his lifestyle. I deferred, and missed out on a wonderful man.
So, I'm happy you are taking the leap. You know "of all sad words of tongue and pen…the saddest are these….what might have been".
Good Luck!

Was the baby you wanted to abort, but miscarried instead, fathered by this farmer guy, or another guy?

If it was the farmer guy, did he know you were pregnant and wanted to abort his child?

And if he knows that, he still wants to marry you anyway?

Wow.

Best wishes!

I grew up on a 400-acre dairy farm in a very rural area. My high school's graduating class had less than 90 kids. Despite that, our drama teacher still took us to a Broadway show every spring, so I visited NYC more times before I went to college than many other kids. My parents believe travel and education and the arts are really important, so I didn't suffer from a complete lack of sophistication. Life is about choices, no matter what your perceived opportunities are. I think your kids will do just fine.

Another interesting note, career-wise: Growing up on a farm is always part of the answer to the ubiquitous "tell me about yourself" question in job interviews. Most employers who know anything about life on a farm are more than thrilled to hear this … To them, it means that I won't shy away from hard work. Putting in overtime to finish a project is no hardship after you've shoveled cow poop. :-)

Congratulations, Penelope — I hope you will both be very happy. The farmer sounds like the meringue to your lemon tart :)

My husband, who is smart and has a PhD from a good school, grew up in a tiny village with parents who hadn't gone to college and grandparents who farmed. It didn't hold him back. Your kids have smart, loving parents who will not tell them they can't achieve their goals; many kids do more with less.

Yeah, I know you'll worry anyway. I think that might be something good parents just do.

"Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." – Voltaire

(O.K. – now you really have to talk to my sister – crazy how you both have similar lives.)

Anyway – she's marrying her farmer, but they are keeping the "City House." Her kids are a bit older than yours, and one of the driving reasons is to let the girls finish HS – and their Dad lives in town, so moving 25 miles away may not make sense.

For you, you may think "Urban Cabin" – a place to sleep over in the city. Madison is a blast, especially when your urban cabin is a home away from home.

And, now for the hard part. I went to ETHS in Evanston. New Trier, if I remember my High School football cheers correctly, are complete losers. ETHS has spirit, yes we do, and something-something-New Trier Sucks-something-something!

1)Some of the most grounded, yet accomplished people I know grew up on farms

2)The farmer is right, the most reward you can get as a human being is to grow up in a loving, nurturing environment

3)Why do your kids have to be #1 at something? That's your hangup, not theirs. If you believe the measure of a person's worth is how much they achieve or how much money they make, you are seriously missing a big part of the equation.

I think it's a good thing. I also agree with the post above about preparing for very different financial backgrounds.

Congratulations!

Mazel Tov! And I hope you have more kids!

Three magazines to subscribe to on the farm: Astronomy, Stockman Grass Farmer (by Allan Nation) and Birding World or Birds & Blooms.

Read anything by Joel Salatin, especially Family Friendly Farming. Take the whole family to his summer seminar at PolyFace in Virginia.

Let your kids raise sheep. I recommend the Dorper breed: no shearing, tasty meat, great gain on grass alone, hardy, great leather, year-round breeding, minimal care. Katahdins are good too.

I played cello but my best musical experiences came from distant, short term, intensive orchestra experiences. I'm sure when he's older a monthly or biweekly trip to an orchestra in Madison would be just the right compromise. The real growth comes in the personal time spent practicing.

And enjoy the stars! Buy a really good telescope and use it often. Or at least just lay on the hillside together in sleeping bags and watch the meteors once in a while!

Both of you seem painfully honest and deeply loving — so you've got structural integrity right off the bat. And the kids are the mortar in between. I'm sure it'll work great!

I wish you good luck or that mazel tov thing. But it is most likely a mistake.

Your children can do anything they desire even if they grow up in a small town.

Marrying the farmer sounds like a good move to me.

Congrats on this Penelope! I'm happy for you…and I know people who have grown up in small towns, but turned out extremely smart & good people. You have more of a chance to stand out in a small town!

I think being happy is better than being the best or being able to compete at a collegiate level. Seeing you happy will be worth more than all of the private soccer coaching in the world. Seing you be able to change to seek happiness…plus, I think growing up on a working farm will get the attention of the admissions offices! They are more and more looking for a total package than a "number one". You are doing the right thing – good luck!

Are you the really a self-proclaimed "raging intellect" or do you think it is better defined as your "raging hormones" and just plain "wacky?"

When you make statements like, "The farmer broke up with me five times the first five months we were together, last year. So I learned that he had huge commitment issues." I smell "wacky" from both you and your Farmer!

You continue to make statements like, "I have Asperger Syndrome, which could be summarized as raging intellect.."

I wonder, if we read and listen carefully to your supposedly light-hearted references to your "raging intellect" it may be more like your "raging hormones" and plain old fashioned "wacky" and "a little brain-dead?"

Your blog in my judgement may suggest, you maybe an adult who is "out of control," but not disabled.

Have you ever considered the safety of your children? The source of both the swine flu and bird virus(s)were discovered on a farm. I smell "wacky" again.

For God's sake, leave the poor non-commitmenting farmer alone!

Eve

Wow ..congratulations on the marriage! I've only been introduced to you/your blog since I moved here to the Madison area this May. What a ride I've witnessed since then! … and I have to say I'm also impressed – way to own that rick/CNN interview! ;) Congratulations!

D'oh! Congrats, but now i'll never have the chance to see how my oral skills rank

Girl, just leap with your heart and go for it. Finding someone to spend your life with is a gift. I took a slow leap into a military marriage 11 years ago, and I couldn't be happier. It took me from Iowa to the east coast, and I didn't know what to expect for any of it. Go into it with your eyes and brain wide open, and your heart will lead you.

Good luck!
Amy

Penelope, I'm so happy for you, the kids and the Farmer. You all deserve this joy!

I met a lady with two kids and I also had a commitment phobia to overcome. The night before the wedding I told her I was not sure this was the right thing for me to do. We had already sold two houses and bought one together at this point. Yikes. I married without knowing if I could really ever commit 100%. That was 22 years ago and each year is better than the one before. Congrats to you!!!

Your children will love spending time with the 'big city girl' your ex-husband marries in New York City. They will love the big city and all it has to offer! They will dread going back to a place with nothing exciting …. well you know ….. or I hope you know.

Just for fun, please paint a picture for us. A picture of you, your children, and the Farmer in the year 2015.

Are you having flashbacks from 1970s scenes of the three children Carrie, Mary, and Laura Ingalls frolicing down the hill on the farm from "The Little House On The Prairie?" Yes, the drama television show was the "Farming" equilavent to "Disney World." They are fun to visit, but not a lot of reality. Have you even thought about it?

I belive the creative minds in the media create a make-believe world for those who need it and who are seeking it. Disney World does it for money. Farmers do it for welfare.

"Farming" has always been a "welfare" business. It always has been. Look up the numbers. The math simply does not add up for a profit.

Anyway, enjoy the monthly U.S. Government welfare checks and the food stamps!

Lisa

Lisa,
Know much about farming? Midwest farmers aren't getting welfare checks, they're getting nice, fat subsidy checks. Corn is the one of the most highly subsidized industries in the U.S.

Rennie,

Yes, I agree with you.

I would almost consider the Farmers, homeless "Disney World" people. They work for years and never understand they make as much money as a "homeless person," both rely on welfare and foodstamps.

The only thing the "Disney World Farmers" are missing is the sidewalk and 'grocery store shopping cart" to push around their belongings.

Subsidized Farms is the age old Socialist policy, in simple terms, we call it "Farm Welfare." The "Disney World Farming Economics" starved the population and finally collapsed the Soviet Union in the 1980s.

I agree, corn and other "Subsidized Farms" have no incentive to make a profit. The U.S. Government Department of Agriculture still makes payments, rain or shine.

I also like the "Wind farms." They are also welfare programs. Who cares? These Windfarms give us our "Feel Green" feelings and have perfected the marketing! They make us all feel good about "global warming."

Call it what we wish. Look up the math. Total Farm Revenue is less than Total Farm Expenses, the U.S. Government Welfare Program (Subsidies) provides the difference.

Lisa

Holly,

This is a recent, direct quote from the Brazen Careerist responding to David Dellifield, when he tells her , "penelopetrunk sorry your kids are a burden, send them to OH, we'll enjoy them for who they are.” Sounds like her "Farmer" story now, huh?

She writes the blog "I hate David Dellifieldd, The one who live in Ada, Ohio." She labels it "fulfillment" to "women" in April 2009. Part of the blog includs the following,

"This is normal behavior. I mean, intellectuals need intellectual stimulation, and that’s not something kids give.

This does not mean I don’t love my kids. Only an asshole would suggest that because I don’t want to stay home with them all day, I must not love them.

And all you people who say you’d love to stay home all day with your kids if you could, you are completely full of shit."

She continues with "Let me ask you something. Do those guys check their email when they’re getting a blow job?"

Holly. Seriously, does this sound like like a "person who is thinking clearly?"

Very nice ladylike behavior.

Monica

I love this! Congratulations for taking the risk. Isn't that what you encourage others to do? Nothing in life is a guarantee. Anyone who isn't somewhat commitment-phobic and terrified of marriage has no idea what's going on! It's the nature of the landscape.

I went to what was ETHS (Evanston) back in the day – it had very little bearing on what I do today. I moved to a small town – Crystal Lake – to a farm, amazingly, and it had very little to do with who I am today.

Where I felt loved and nurtured has everything to do with who I am – it appears you are making a lovely choice.

So I'm curious, what will this mean for your ex-husband who's part-time living in your house? : )

For some reason, I have always happened on your blog around the time you've posted something about the farmer, and even your first post made me wonder. He seemed to bring a gentleness that touched your heart, and as I am married to a gentle man myself, I know how precious that can be. And life-giving. I pray that God will guide you both as you begin a new chapter of your lives together, and that by His grace this will be a very good thing for you both and for your children. I am very excited for you. A quiet life does have to be antithetical to challenge and achievement, and I am excited that you and your boys are starting a new chapter where the possibilities really are endless.

Oops, I meant to say… "A quiet life does _not_ have to be antithetical to challenge and achievement…."
Congratulations again!

be with the farmer if your happiness is deeply rooted in a flourishing relationship. for others, they first need to discover their potential before they can discover it in someone or something else. Love does conquer all, though. And timing is crucial in one's decision process.

Looked you up after reading about you in the paper (the miscarriage comment).

Wow, not surprised the farmer keeps dumping you – you are so far up your own arse you don't need anyone else!

Sweetie, stop crediting yourself with high intelligence – if you were then you wouldn't have had one previous abortion let alone be as old as 42 and at risk of needing another.

I feel sorry for your kids, unless they are pond life just like you!

Hi Penelope,

Felt like too much to lose and too much to lose, both decisions. But from what I've been reading daily, I know that you won't have a hard time choosing the farmer over your career nor the future. You live day by day, taking each step at a time like tomorrow's one game to play. You barely sounded anxious. You are one tough woman and you can deal with just about anything.

Jonha