Advice from the top: Marry a stay-at-home spouse or buy the equivalent.

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I just hired someone to take care of my house for $50,000 a year: A house manager. This is in addition to the full-time nanny I have. And the cleaning service. And the assistant I have at work.

I know the first thing going through your mind is that I’m loaded and I’m lucky. But I’m not either: for instance, the house I live in is so small that I sleep in the kids’ room. I chose a house like this because I think having money to pay people to help me maintain a sane household is more important than having tons of space for tons of possessions. Having to make choices like that is what makes this topic worth writing about.

But I wasn’t sure if I was going to write at all about hiring a house manager, so I tried telling someone in person first, my friend Jason Warner, who is a director at Google. He said that that every high-level woman he’s ever worked with—at Microsoft, Starbucks, and Google—has had to pay for tons of help at home or had a stay-at-home husband or has been literally falling apart at work.

For the past year, at least, I have been in the last category—falling apart. It’s clear to me now that to be a woman competing at high levels in corporate life, you have to have people helping you. Serious help. Most men who make a lot of money and have kids also have a stay-at-home wife. She holds their world together while he focuses on work.

So I want you to know what it’s really like to be a woman competing with the men who have stay-at-home wives: Expensive. There are jokes about the hyperbole of the annual study that says that housewives are worth six-figures. I think it is not hyperbole. Those men are getting not just a house manager, but someone who adores his kids, is there all the time, and someone who is willing to have some sort of regular sex life. For all that, the estimate of $100,000 a year seems very low.

My new house manager’s specialty is families with moms who have very time-consuming jobs. I told the house manager that I’m worried that she will not be able to deal with how eccentric our family is. She says she has only dealt with eccentric families. She said the last family used to have birthday parties at breakfast instead of dinner because the mom couldn’t get home for dinner.

I told the house manager that I am always home for dinner. And violin lessons. When I’m not traveling. I felt smug. For a minute. But really, I don’t think there is an honest mom in the world who works full-time and feels smug.

I am hiring a house manager because I don’t think there is any way I can compete in my profession if I have to do things like clean up gummy bears for an hour a night, or make a toy-store run in the middle of the day for a last-minute birthday party after school.

Jason was telling me that his wife went out of town for five days. She told him he had to take time off from work. He said he didn’t want to use up vacation. He said he’d be fine.

But by the second day, he was going nuts. He said, “Penelope, it’s unbelievable. I am telling the kids I’ll be there in a minute and then I send an email. And I instant message chat while I’m driving. And I take phone calls when the kids are in the other room waiting for me. This is crazy. It’s so hard.”

But I have been doing this every day for years. That’s really what convinced me to hire the house manager. Because Jason was doing my life for four days and he thought it was crazy. And Jason is the type of guy I’m competing with in business. He has a housewife. They are a good team.

When Jason was writing guest posts on my blog I was talking with him all the time. He asked about the time stamps on my emails, he asked me when I slept (for about six months, when I started blogging, I basically stopped sleeping), and he asked me when I relaxed. Mostly I was jealous that he had someone at home taking care of so much stuff.

So now I’m not jealous. But, I have to confess something. I’m jealous of all the guys who kept a family together while they built up their career. I wish I could have done that.

So here’s my advice to women who want a big career and a stable family: You need to earn a lot of money to make that happen. I don’t know a stay-at-home dad who is seriously taking care of kids full-time, over the course of five-to-seven years, without a lot of money in the bank. And I don’t know a woman who has a huge career without money to support a bunch of people to take care of things at home.

For women, the difference between success and failure at the top of the ladder is, I think, a house manager.

174 replies
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  1. m
    m says:

    I think the fall-out hits both the children and the marriage. But when there isn’t enough time for either, really dedicated parents will “fall on the grenade” and try to make sure their children get what they need. So the marriage is ruined.

    It is so common for people to lament that there is no sex after marriage, no sex after children. How many of your friends, colleagues, heck how many people reading this right now, reach age 40 with two careers, kids, and plenty of money, but look back on the truly spirited people they were when they were 25 and say, “What the hell happened to us?”

    I think the “answer” is to do without, live cheaply, live like our parents did — remember, that generation that “stayed together 50 years.”
    My parents got by on one car, one salary. They had nothing but lawn furniture in the house for years after they married. Couples just don’t want to live like that now. So off they go, climb the ladder, make the money.

    Well, ya know, if I could spend every night cuddling in bliss with my sweetie on a lawn couch, I’d trade that for all the solid oak furniture in the world.

  2. Alicia Anderson
    Alicia Anderson says:

    Your struggle is exactly why I left corporate America to start a company to help high-achieving women with children manage their overwhelming responsibilities at home. It’s called Attache Services. I give women a Personal Attache, very similar to a house manager, who is there as often as the struggling, ladder climbing, super mom needs her – from 10 hours a month to 30 hours a week! Each Attache works with only one client, so they get to know all their preferences and really end up being more like a friend who is there to help out in whatever way is needed. I started this business because I needed it and couldnt find it – as a mother of 3 with a demanding role in corporate America, I needed a helper like this. My Personal Attaches serve clients in Northern VA, MD, and DC. Our website and blog have more info. Good for you for getting help.

  3. JJ Wiggins
    JJ Wiggins says:

    Hello Penelope,

    I’m a little late on this conversation, having just discovered your blog- but so far I’ve found it insightful and referenced it in a couple of blog postings I did today. While I haven’t read enough of your blog to offer an opinion on some of the other comments to this post, I can say one thing: today’s modern women need to realize they can’t have it all. Something’s gotta give. I wrote about this in my 2008 and 2007 mother’s day posts “Mothers Day for the SuperMom, parts 1 and 2) and have come to the conclusion that we each have to decide what path works best for our family. My plan was always to stop working when I started a family, but it didn’t work out that way. And our family is doing just fine. I suspect yours is too… After all, that means hiring extra help (less time shopping for the kids means more time playing with them). If you, or anyone else, would like to read my supermom posts, here you go:


    Enjoy…

  4. Lasivian
    Lasivian says:

    Perhaps if you started working to live instead of living to work you wouldn’t need to hire people to take care of your life outside of the office?

    I’m sure your gravestone will not say “I wish I had spent more time at the office”.

  5. Emm
    Emm says:

    Kudos. For knowing what you need, for obtaining it for the good of your family, and for writing about it honestly. And, from a full-time-busy SAHM with a clueless husband, thanks for the acknowledgement of what it takes to run a household and nurture a family — that is, if you’re intent on doing it WELL. Love your blog – keep writing.

  6. Mo
    Mo says:

    My middle-class family has always had multiple help and, at one point, we had a competent chef, nanny, maid and full-time gardener.

    But, oh, we live in a developing country so their combined salaries came to less than a tenth your house manager’s. Want cheap help? Move to Kenya. ;)

  7. jj
    jj says:

    Good for you on hiring a house manager. No one can do it all.

    As for focusing on career, there’s no need to apologize. All those smug SAHM have a hard-working husband who misses out on their kids’ live to support HER and the kids. Someone has got to earn a living and that person should be proud of doing so. Earning a living requires intelligence, education, savvy, maturity and a host of other valuable skills.

  8. AA
    AA says:

    I love this post. I have no family; no kids, no husband, and I still hire as much help as I can afford. Without it there is no way I could be competitive at work.

  9. Lasivian
    Lasivian says:

    “Without it there is no way I could be competitive at work.”

    That’s the difference here, I work to live, I don’t live to work.

    There is so much more to life than fighting to get ahead at the office, stop and smell the roses.

  10. Kathy Zucker
    Kathy Zucker says:

    Ah, the road not taken. I sometimes regret giving up my career in hospital administration to work part-time from home, but not after reading posts like this. My husband complains as it is that the house is a mess; it was much worse when I was working full-time, so I think his head would already have exploded if I hadn’t stayed home with the babies.

  11. Leigh Harris
    Leigh Harris says:

    Love your post, Penelope. It is honest, humorous and brave. I found it through another blogger recommendation.

    I’m surprised at all the attack-like emails, though I confess I didn’t have time to read them all. I am an ENTJ as well. I sacrificed my Canadian career to move to the US with my husband, for a fantastic job opportunity he received. Less than two months into SAHM status, I was itching to get out there, give back, use my intelligence and reapply a decade+ of corporate experience. I now volunteer, have run a couple committees, and am focused on completing my book for publication…while still volunteering.

    Oh, and I keep the house clean, laundry done, dinner on the table…but don’t enjoy those tasks very much. But I DO love seeing my children after school. I think the connection is important to all of us.

    However, I understand your drive. I’m still itching to push my corporate skills…it is in my blood. Good for you for making the choices you feel are best for you, and owning up to them. Congratulations.

  12. Seriously
    Seriously says:

    I think it’s great you have a career you love. I just worry you could be overspending and could possibly consolidate the help a bit? You definitely need your own room at home more than 3 people helping. If the house os so small I think a nanny/cleaner would be good. It is not too much to clean a sma house and watch kids. My grandmother had 13 kids and she did it…you have to also let the kids help, it builds character! (:

  13. Linda
    Linda says:

    Your house manager earns more than me, and I am a university trained teacher. I’m envious.

  14. Julie
    Julie says:

    Penelope,

    You know, reading your blog makes me so grateful for my husband but once again just somewhat baffled by our apparently unique situation. I undoubtedly see the value in the nanny and the home manager and boy I really am overdo to hire someone to help me out at work! What baffles me though is that even with the help of the ‘all knowing internet’ I find it near impossible to find any stories or information about husbands like mine. I mean maybe I just won the lottery 20 years ago but seriously is it possible there are no other men out there who have opted for my husband’s job? My husband has stayed home since our daughter was born 15 years ago opting to forego his bound to be less lucrative career. I am a physician and really was never cut out for stay at home life. He had a career plan and a graduate degree but when push came to shove he was not comfortable having our daughter in day care and so decided to stay at home. Early on we did not have enough money to hire a ‘nanny’ but within a few years we certainly could have. We just didn’t as he took on the role of house hubby extraordinaire and by and large enjoyed it. He did all things domestic, yard, and financial (in terms of investments and planning) as well as the day to day child rearing. I concentrated on surviving training and work in a busy complex practice and then just being present with our family when I was home. Its been a very lucrative union and we are quite aware that if he were not as motivated we would have had to hire several people to do what he was doing for ‘free’. For us its an ‘obvious’ division of labor. He cannot help me with my job and I only sporadically help him with his in terms of household duties. (I tend to undertake big projects involving organization or decorating). The further we have gone the more seriously he has taken and valued his career as household manager and super dad. Generally the harder I work the harder he works and it just plain works most of the time. I try to ensure that he feels richly rewarded for his work and for the sacrifices he has made (which amount primarily to the loss of ‘job status’ and the general boredom of household work). He is free to travel as he pleases which is often around the world, purchase amazing cars and really anything else he wants. I feel he has truly earned it. His income is found in NOT spending the income I have earned on other people to do the work he is fully capable of doing. The list of what he has to do day to day is extensive. He has to be quite flexible to deal with whatever pops up. Its fantastic that when I’m off he’s always available to travel with me or just be together. The direct day to day contact that he has had as a parent been precious for our daughter and hard to put a price tag on. We calculated recently that he had driven her to and from school over 2000 times from preschool to high school! Those conversations in the car and throughout their days at home are priceless and the bond the two of them share is something I envy. She is definitely “Daddy’s Girl” and a chip off his block which is a good thing! Bottom line is that a married couple has a certain cumulative pile of work that needs to be done and if one partner has a great earning potential and a time consuming stressful career, it just seems so logical that the other might opt to be the ‘all things domestic’ partner. My husband’s choice does not make him a genius, a sucker, nor a hero. It makes him smart, and apparently rare.

  15. Ivonne Martinez
    Ivonne Martinez says:

    Hi Penelope, this is the first time I ready your blog which I find it incredibly fascinating. I am a single mom and I can relate to what you wrote; while I have a good salary and career, it has not come at a cheap price: long commutes and very little time for personal life and a lot of sacrifices; however, I hired cleaning help that way I can enjoy my son when I get home. Also, I am going back to school in a month and I am trying to negotiate a flexible schedule without jeopardizin my salary… I guess I will see what happens next… :)

  16. Erica
    Erica says:

    I was so honored to see this post today. I am a SAHM and was searching for answers about why my well employed husband seems angry about me being home after 19 years. We just adopted a baby (a member of my husband’s family) when my youngest birth child was 9. it doesn’t appear I will be working any time soon. He supported this lifestyle before and I am baffled. To read a working mom say that a at home mom is ‘worth’ 100k made me smile and tear up. I pray you find peace and are successful at your job and your mommying. Your kids will know you did your best to provide for them. They will be proud to see your accomplishments. Thanks for writing this.

  17. SecretlyWealthy
    SecretlyWealthy says:

    I definitely understand the pressure around hiring help! My husband and I have worked very hard to have so many successful businesses, to be leaders in our field and give back to the world in meaningful ways. This makes us very busy.
    I hired a house manager/child carer so that I had the time to be with my family. We home school our children, and I do all the educating myself, as well as run 3 companies along with my husband several. Heaven knows we have have many business meetings with children in tow. We set the bar high for our clients. Child friendly or bust. If things are not child appropriate, how are they business appropriate?

    I understand your fear of sharing this kind of information. I don’t even share with my family the extent of our businesses, or the volume of hired staff. It creates wealth jealousy, which is difficult because we work hard and give back so much that we have truly earned our incomes.

    As always, it is the gap between the have’s and the have not’s that make things particularly difficult.

  18. Ian Newman
    Ian Newman says:

    Hi Penelope. Thanks for the article. I’d like to comment on the absurdity of paying a stranger 50K to run your house purely for psychological well-being is absurd in my view. Better surely to save the 50K and spend time trying to find fulfilment in a different way. I can’t believe that working 70-hours a week is the only option

    I comment as as a man, husband and father. I think men (generally speaking) take for granted that they will find fulfilment (in their careers, etc.) and it is generally assumed that, if they have children, the mum will bear the brunt of the childcare and be forced to sacrifice her career.

    My view is different. I am fortunate that my wife has found more fulfilment than she thought in looking after our small children, and has found other interests to pursue (learning, creative outlets, running a toddler group, etc.) that have helped her with her find fulfilment beyond the washing machine. Saying that, I also strongly believe in the role of fathers – something not often mentioned – and I have made the choice not to pursue my career to its ultimate end, i.e. constantly working to ‘climb the ladder’, in order that I can be around and actually ‘present’ for my children in the evenings (some of the time) and certainly at weekends, without constantly answering the phone, checking email, etc. etc. etc.

    I read once someone who said that it was almost impossible to be a company director [or other similar, senior role] and be a good father. Strong words perhaps, but food for thought and common-sense if we’re willing to admit it.

    No-one ever said on their deathbed that ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office’… hence I reckon the any fulfilment I’ll find in a career at the cost of my family, will be shallow and short-lived, or ultimately regrettable if I am estranged from my children or miss the time that I could have had with them while they were growing up.

    I agree with the spirit of some of the comments here that having a family was my/our choice (not my children’s) and it ultimately demands my/our sacrifice, not theirs.

    Keep posting! :)

    Ian.

  19. Ramya
    Ramya says:

    I can see this is a rather old post. And I came here since I was googling this post from a newspaper here in India – http://m.thehindubusinessline.com/features/blink/stop-the-lies-about-parenting/article5709875.ece/. Yes, I am from India, the magical land where domestic help is very affordable but absolutely not dependable.

    I agree to every word you have written here. So what is the big deal about my comment you ask? Just to say how surprised I was when I read some of the comments. Comments glorifying parent-hood and how fulfilling it is and why should people always want to achieve and advance. I thought the US was full of more ambitious people over all when compared to other countries. I am glad to be proven wrong. But why is it wrong to want to advance and achieve and give credible competition to men? It is impossible to juggle a career and a family without getting vexed. Here in India it is common for parents to live with their children in their old age. These older parents double up as supervisors while the domestic help runs the chores. But that does not mean women who resort to such an arrangement are happy. There is much friction on what the child is learning, what she is eating, what she is watching and more. And this compromise is available only to the richer classes in India. There are millions of families that manage otherwise. With kids staying in day-care to neighbors’ to relatives homes.

    It is difficult. Very difficult and if anyone can hire a house manager, they should jump at the opportunity. For those that cannot, perhaps kill that career dream or better still re-think why you want that baby to begin with.

  20. Jessica
    Jessica says:

    First of all, let me say that I am insanely busy, but your blog spoke to me and I have a glass of chardonnay in my hand and I had to write!

    Crazy that I am thinking, whose career do I address first???

    OK, mine…. I am a veterinarian who started her own practice in Chicago, and now has 2 locations 5 years after opening the first. I have 2 kids ( 1 newly 3, one almost 1 yr), 2 senior cats, and 1 very senior dog. (I mention them because they contribute more mess than the kids often)

    My husband is an entrepreneur who started his own business in Chicago and is now opening a second location in Las Vegas and so is now traveling back and forth a lot.

    I work somewhere between part-time and full time hours at the practice. But let’s face it, when you own the business, you are never “off” and constantly doing things related…

    I loved your post on a house manager, which I found when I was googling salaries for house manager bc I know I need one!!!! I totally agree that if you live in this day and age, own your own business, and have kids, you need one!!!! Right now I am looking at a sagging place in our ceiling that has some red mold growing on it, a mailbox that is broken, a broken disposal, and I need to plan our almost 1 yr old birthday party! While I am working, caring for the 2 very young kids while hubby is out of town for 1-2 weeks at a time, caring for the senior pets…
    Yes I have a nanny and cleaning lady. But even at once a week, the house is dirty the minute my 1 yr old starts flinging food at breakfast! The nanny works 45 hrs a week. This sounds like a lot right? But there are 168 hours in a week, and when you work 40 hours, ( and then you hope you have a free 30 min to get ready before jumping out the door), those hours get eaten up pretty quick.

    Needless to say, when you have a 3 and 1 yr old, you are needed by them 24/7, which only pulls at the heartstrings more to spend less time on household crap and more time with them.

    So house manager. Wanted. Desperately. Because I hate getting late notices from the People’s Gas not because we don’t have money to pay, but because my husband who was supposed to take care of it has been too busy to pay it.

    You’ve got some crappy haters (about font, seriously???) and those who obviously can’t relate because, sorry, they haven’t made it to that level of success/craziness.

    Thank you for the blog,
    Jessica

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