Hmm.

While many families do not have a 'financial' need for both parents to work, many may choose to work that way because they are in truly satisfying jobs and they enjoy the work and the stimulation they get from it. But it is hardly ever articulated that as much fun as kids are and even if the choice to have them was cognitively pre-considered, their arrival presents challenges for which no parent is ever emotionally quite prepared. My neighbour, who was formerly in the workforce and has two kids, said to me "I cannot wait to get back to work; the kids are driving me up the wall; I yearn for adult conversation and all I get is boring mothers, who go on and on about their kids". Ouch!

Your description "men who succeed at staying at home" is funny. In the most well-known examples, these men have wives who are bringing home more than the bacon; they are bringing the whole flock of pigs. Women on the other hand stay home due to the remnants of conditioning that makes them believe they are the primary care-givers. Cue guilt on making alternative choices.

I am always sceptical about research into money and happiness. How come rich people do not commission these researches? I should also like to see if the academics conducting these studies will stay in their (usually poorly paid) jobs if they were to be given an unconditional, say, £10M.

Money does not make anyone happy inasmuch as lack of money makes someone unhappy. But money gives choices, including the choice to stay at home without wondering how one will finance college education or give their kids a step-up on to the housing ladder or retire comfortably.

I like this post. I'm also proud of Gen X for finally breaking the mold that we need careers and long work weeks to define us. Family and friends are infinitely more important and should be put first even if that takes some sacrifice. Unfortunately, there are still people who consider it "slacking" to not be a type-A work-centered person.
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Your email addresss — claresdad — says so much. Such a gen-x email address, because a baby boomers wouldn't think to do that, and a millenniel wouldn't have kids. Little things like this email address make me so happy becuase I start to understand where my generation fits in history.

–Penelope

Penelope – Looks like the comments/ratings on Yahoo! Finance are off – which is a shame because this is your best column by far. Most people don't want to admit that there is no "real financial need" for both parents to work and that it is a tough choice, especially since being at home with the kids is a lot tougher than working. I have not always agreed with your advice, but I think you are right on with this insight.

I am not sure why there is a need to always bait Baby Boomers against Gen X and Y…some of the language in the post is very accusatory against Boomers.

That being said, I could care less about the "gen" groups. I have no group. I was born between the "Baby Boom" and "Gen X" …as 1966 was neither (there was a gap between those groups for years until someone felt the need that we all must be classified and moved the dates). I am too young to have protested the Vietnam War, and I am too old to have cared that Kurt Cobain died.

I was, however, a stay-at-home dad for over 2 years after my 1st daughter was born. My wife and I believed that for a baby, one parent should be home. It was the hardest job I ever had in my life…as there is no off switch on parenting. My wife then stayed home full time. With the 2 kids in school she works part time on a contract basis, but is there to pick the kids up after school every day.

But there is still stress for families with this model. Life is hard sometimes, and small kids are demanding no matter how many hours a person works. The saving grace is a good support network of family and friends who understand help out. This is not really about generational wars as much as about the realities of the human condition.

I agree with the family first theme of this post, however, as anytime we as a society put our kids welfare first, it is a good thing in the long run. Selfish pursuits rarely help the common good of family or society. I hope that what you write about is truely a trend and not just hype.

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Hi, Thom. Thanks for the comment. First of all, 1966 is gen x. The definitions are on wikipedia. And, guess what? Your comment sounds like a stereotypical gen-xer.

–Penelope

agree with Stephanie's two points, and Shefaly's comment about the women who bring home the whole flock of pigs made me laugh out loud. I know a couple like that, oddly the guy in that case is an extremely bright engineer and a considerable loss to the working world.

I'd disagree with "The problem is that not many people want to stay at home full time": the problem is not many people can afford to. If we could afford it, my wife would be home full-time, but working volunteer/non-profit jobs in that time. I drive a 1992 Subaru with 190k miles, we have a small cheap house, but if my wife didn't work, there would be no retirement savings or college funds for the kids. I don't expect to retire, but those savings are necessary to offset the drop in my salary as I get older.

I'm officially a boomer (1960) but my wife and I agreed that kids require more than evening parenting. However there is no part-time work available in IT – she spent five years establishing her credentials at a company, went part-time when the kids arrived, and got laid off after three years. Beancounters hate part-timers, and moms in particular, so there's not much in the corporate world for them. At some point it's possible the corporate world will realize that the economy exists in a society, and that society needs sustaining to build a strong economy: but it will have to be beaten into them with a government stick, the profit motive remains more powerful than altruism.

With all the technology that companies are producing why don't they use it to let their most trusted employees work from home a few days a week? I have worked from home for over 12 years successfully. I doubt I surf the web anymore from here than if I was at an office and I haven't missed a deadline yet.

One of my motivations for working "full-time" 9not 60 hours per week though) when my children were no longer babies or toddlers was to be able to afford to pay for their college educations. Nowadays, I find it hard to believe that it is realistic to save for collge for one's children on a single salary. Perhaps the GenXers don't realize how expensive it was for their parents to put them into a position that they are college educated and now can decide not to bother to use that education. I bet the Boomer grandparents end up paying for their grandchildrens' higher ed costs!!!
In returning to work, I was signed up for a pension savings plan. I never consciously considered what the difference in retired income this would make for me and my husband at the time. But wow, it really has added up. So we probably WILL be able to pay for our grandchildren to go to college, or for our children to inherit enough money for THEM to "retire" one day. Because with your model described here, they are not going to be able to save the money for themselves on single incomes.

IMHO, we all make choices and there's always a compromise. My partner stays home with the kids, but deals with isolation and the loss of her career and sense of self to some extent. I telecommute and deal with noisy coffee shops. Last night I was on a conference call until 7:00 PM. Today I will pick up my 6 year old from school on her birthday and have cupcakes with her. We save a whopping $25.00/month for college, but eat dinner together every night. We have a 20 year old TV and a 15 year old car, but we fly cross-country to visit family twice a year. Choices and compromise.

P.S. Demographically speaking, the Baby Boom ended in 1964, Gen-X started in 1961. Full disclosure: I was born in the overlap. Go figure.

"Sure, girls can grow up to be anything, and boys can start companies and become millionaires. But there’s a limitation that no one talks about. . .

The problem is not whether someone stays behind to run hearth and home, but WHO does it.

If GenX and GenY aren't fighting over who has to give up their career to take care of the kids, then what tough choices are you all talking about?

If the Gen-women don't resent being the ones who make the sacrifice most of the time, then what is the point of this article?

How many Gen-men really believe quality of life is more important than financial security? How many would to put it to the test?

You can talk all you want about quality of life, but the 'American Dream' is expensive and its burden on the family is heavy. Sacrifice that and you won't need two career families.

Excellent post Penelope! I am convinced that no outside success can compensate for failure in the home, and yet, for some time now, the popular belief has tended to lean toward seeking fulfillment in life from enriching shareholders and already overpaid executives rather than enriching our own relationships and preparing our own children for success in the world. Your post is the first I've seen to buck this trend, and I hope to see others follow. I've enjoyed reading your posts, and though I don't agree with everything you say, I appreciate your thinking ahead of the curve on many things. You offer a fresh perspective we so desperately need (and you and I both know how that attracts it's share of crowd-following critics). If there's one area, we as a country can do better at, that will truly make a lasting difference on society, it's nurturing those who really matter most within the walls of our own homes. Admittedly, I am biased because the choice my wife and I have made for our family is that she would stay home with the children (and you are right, she has often stated that it would be easier to resume her job as a teacher.) But we have definitely seen the rewards after only a few years, and there's no greater feeling in the world! But, it has been a long time coming as you intimated, and it is a struggle financially, when so many families choose dual income lifestyles. If everyone were to realize the value of one parent staying with the children, there would be less pressure for families to earn more by sending both parents away for 60 hours a week. Not only that, but our children would have a better sense of value, priorities, and choosing what really matters in life. Thanks!

I have mixed opinions about this topic.

First, I do believe that it is better for children to be raised by their parents and not spend 40 hours a week in day care.

However, I am also a career woman. Because I have watched my mother & her sister (both boomers) suddenly be thrown back into the work force after divorce I am leary of being a "stay at home mom."

The solution for me (or at least my plan) is to be able to work around my children's schedules. Having kids is about 5 years down the road for me so I plan to continue the corporate world until then and then work on my own whenever there is time.

I read your article with interest and have to tell you the genXers I know aren't at all like you describe. Both work and as soon as the baby is delivered, mom is back at work and not enjoying those first months with her new baby. I often wonder why they have kids.

Enjoyed your post. As usual, you make some interesting and useful points.

Having said that, what's up with this diction: "So the couples who leave their kids with a caretaker for 10 hours a day are making a choice, and the strongest evidence that it isn't a great one for kids is that Gen Xers who didn't have both parents at home hated it so much that they don't want to do it to their own children."

You lose effectiveness when I have to reread what you write 3 times to understand it.

I would like to offer another point of view to the discussion. My daughter was born 5 years ago. I love her completely, but I didn't want to stay home all the time. I'm not really that great at arts and crafts. I am quite patient but I am also a busybody who thrives on variety and stimulating challenges. My husband has a similar disposition. For the past five years I worked 10-hour days four days a week and concentrated intently on doing excellent work at my job and building my network. Our daughter went to a small preschool program for those four days each week and made good friends, became very prepared for kindergarten and learned how to socialize well with others.
After a few years I probably could have quit and afforded to live on a one-person income, but I didn't want to. I know that if I were to quit working altogether, I would become unhappy. I have seen this happen to so many mothers who have career ambitions–they become agitated easily, seem bored and tend to yell at their kids. It is definitely true that it's hard to stay home all day long without any help.

My work is very important to me, along with being a loving mother, and I was determined to strike some sort of balance. This doesn't make me part of a "power couple"–we were not striving to buy a Jaguar, but instead our goals were to build a healthy college fund, buy an average-size house in a great school district in our vibrant city, take vacations and trips to see family, and buy high-quality food and other necessities.

The result of our plan is that our daughter is now in kindergarten and seems well-adjusted and happy. We met all our goals, and my network is strong enough now that I'm able to be self-employed. I pick my daughter up each day after school and still work almost full time (creative hours).

There are so many decisions to make and ways to make it work when you're a parent. I try not to judge decisions that others make or make blanket statements about what "the right way" is. There is no singular right way. You have to look at the situation in context.

The research by Kaplan and Sadock actually suggest that some children ARE better off at day Care depending on the Quality of the Day Care and the conditions functionality (dysfunction) of the families – Also a mother may come to resent being at home if there is a Need or desire to work, which can adversely affect the child

Nothing is often as Black and White as it appears.

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Yes, of course. So I think the only way to have the conversation about what is better for kids is to compare apples to apples — best day care and best parenting.

–Penelope

I'm Gen X and a 100% stay at home mom. I learned from having a full time working mom and a broken home that was not what I wanted for my children. Now one being 17 and the other 12. I am having the time of my life. For me family was first. I'm able to teach the children values and add to there education from everyday experiences small or large. Not having some strangers values or beliefs. Sure you cant be on top of your children 24-7 they went to 4 H and summer camps. I did volunteer work over the years in summers too. Thats whats great about staying home I found you can help community and teachers. Some say what will you do when the children are all grown up? I smile and say enjoy my grandkids of course and my husband. To me your career wont last forever but what you instill in your children will from one generation to the next. You cant take toys with you when you die but the memories of your life you can.

I couldn't agree with you more. I'm a 36-year-old working mom. I worked part time for a while and now I telecommute fulltime. I love having control over how my time is spent. My husband is also more than willing to adjust his work schedule to make sure our kids our priority 1. Have our choices hurt us (especially in terms of dealing with our Babyboomer bosses)? Absolutely. Do we care – not at all.

Hi, I am a 38 y.o. female and mother of three. My husband has a good paying job but he is far from considered rich. He makes enough money for me to stay home but we would not have any extras (hockey, ballet, gym memberships, vacations etc.). I am fortunate enough to have a career that has incredibly flexible part-time hours with great benefits and it pays well too. I am a critical care trauma nurse at a large Boston Hospital. I have been a nurse for 16 years and I do not regret one minute for choosing the field of nursing. My mother, who is a babyboomer, could not comprehend why I choose nursing as my college major when I had the opportunity to become anything I wanted. She said there was a time when women had very limited career choices…they either became nurses, teachers or secretaries but now the choices were endless. I respected my mother's opinion and I could even understand her reasoning, considering she was from a generation where women's liberation flourished and for the first time in history they had multiple career choices. I told my mom I still have those choices and I choose nursing. Anyways, my point for all you generation Xers is this: We still have endless choices to be anything we want but most Gen Xers want more than just a career, we want families…and we want to raise them. For Gen Xers our jobs do not define us…we want to live. On the other hand, in order to LIVE we need to work. Most families can not afford to live off of one income and for those that are lucky enough….here's a thought…maybe the stay at home Mom or Dad needs something more than just raising kids. For those of you who just gaspsed, bear with me. While raising kids, in my opinion, is the most important job in the world it is also the most difficult and can be very draining because it is 24/7. It is not selfish but rather it is healthy for the primary caregiver to have some stimulating, thought provoking interaction and to have outside achievement. This is why some fincially well-off stay at home Moms or Dads choose to work part-time or do volunteer work. Studies have shown that the psychological well-being of a mother tends to set the tone for the psycholigical well being of the rest of the familiy. So respectively… a happy Mom means a happy family. All in all many generation Xers want a well rounded, well balanced life and I share my story with you because I am fortunate to have a job that allows this.
Nursing as a career seems to have many of the motivating factors that Gen Xers seek in a profession: flexibility, stimulating-exciting work, family-work balance, independence and it pays well. The demand for nursing is so high right now that not only does it allow you the flexibility to practically choose your own hours it also gives you the freedom to change jobs when you are unhappy. There are several specialty areas in nursing so if you are no longer challenged with your specialty you can try another. Another thought provoking point…I feel it is important to keep your hands in a part-time career that has a pension or 401K or 403B and pays well enough that you can be fincially independent if you need to be. I do not wish divorce or death on anyone but these are facts of life and are possibilities for anyone. I know this sounds like a nursing recruitment add but for me nursing has allowed me to stay home during the week (I work every other w/e 12 hrs shifts and one 8 hr evening during the week = 20hrs-my husband is with the kids while I work), stimulating work and fincial independence. It may not be for eveyone but it does seem forfilled a lot of the desires of many "Generation Xers"