I hate them because they are so judgy. As an ENTJ I am too uncaring to spend time passing judgment on INFJs. But there’s a hierarchy of influences on our personality and autism trumps personality type, so as an autistic ENTJ I spend a lot of time expressing my knowledge about INFJs being judgy, and then I can understand how INFJs say they aren’t judgy they are just saying what they notice.
So anyway, two days ago I was coaching an INFJ and it went like many coaching sessions with INFJs. I said, “To get started, what’s is your personality type and how old are you?” The person answered, “I’m an INTJ and I’m old.”
I said, “You’re an INFJ. An INTJ wouldn’t bother summarizing their age like that.”
So she told me her age. And then it turned out that she told me about her divorce. And she was defensive and shut down and I said, “We can’t get anything done if you are defensive and shut down. Why are you like that on this call?”
And she said she felt stupid for marrying someone as poor a choice as her husband and she hates having to tell people.
She is having the classic INFJ problem that she judges everyone else so she assumes they judge her. But I realized something terrible: I have the same problem as the INFJs. I shout all over the Internet about how there is no reason to get a divorce and people who get a divorce are lame, and I’ve had two. And I can’t stop talking about how stupid I feel. And I can’t stop rehashing in therapy why I failed twice.
But talking with an INFJ I realized that if I would be more sympathetic to other people then I could be more sympathetic to myself. And more than that, the world doesn’t want to have to deal with me feeling shame. Shame doesn’t get people anywhere.
This is a problem I’ve been struggling with for years. And making no headway, and I pretty much solved the problem by talking with an INFJ.