The secret to the success of this blog is that instead of showing you how perfect my life is, I show myself drinking in the morning, before work.

My husband is always worrying that I make us look bad, so he makes up rules like how I can’t write about our sex life, and then I violate the rules while pretending to follow them. Like, I write about our not-having-sex life.  For example, it’s asparagus season so there is no oral sex because asparagus doesn’t change the smell of just your pee.

The truth is that you guys don’t want to read anyone who thinks she knows everything, so I try to focus only on what I’m unsure about. Like, should you stay with a guy who throws furniture?

At the time I wasn’t sure. So the post was interesting. Now I’m pretty certain that unless that guy has a problem with drinking or drugs, you can stop relationship problems by taking more responsibility for your interactions. It takes two people to fight.

But you probably hated that paragraph because I’m telling you how to run your life. If you really want instructions for how to run your life you can go to church.

It’s more fun to learn things together. Like here’s something I just thought of: People are aging better and better. Like, 60 is 40 which must mean that 80 is 60 and 60-year-olds have sex which must mean that 80-year-olds will have sex. But men aren’t really living to 80, only women. So I think there will be a surge in gay sex in nursing homes.

I’m trying to think of how to capitalize on this trend. Maybe it’ll be a combination of sex aids and nostalgic games from the 70s.

Noa Kageyama’s post last week is about being right. Because he’s a good blogger, Noa blogs as he learns, and he recently learned about the Marshmallow Challenge, which is a great experiment and you should see this video about it. Anyway, Noa points out that if you are really concerned with being right then you are less likely to be right because you don’t test your knowledge. Because you are sure you are right.

This stresses me out because I like being right.

Something I am right about is when Cassie or Melissa or other people who I sometimes want to kill tell me that Quistic is a flailing company, I tell them all startups are flailing companies until they are in the B round of funding, because all startups are really experiments to figure out what is right.

I am right about that even though I am not sure what is right yet about online learning. Good startups flail. Good founders enjoy that feeling.

So why can’t I accept flailing when it comes to homeschooling?

I want to line everyone up. Everyone in the whole world. And I want them to tell me that I am right about homeschooling and they wish they were me. They wish they were as brave as me. They wish they could trust their kids to learn as much as I trust my kids. I want to stand on top of the world and scream: Everyone who thinks I am more right than them about raising kids, raise your hand.

And everyone raises their hand.

Then I can be humble. People like humble. It’s a social skills rule. It’s why parents hate people who are not parents. Because parents think kids make you humble and humility is a good trait. And it’s why people who don’t have kids hate parents. Because people who think they are more humble than other people are actually preachy, arrogant, and unbearable.

Speaking of preachy, arrogant, and unbearable, this is happening on my homeschool blog. I am getting so worried that people think I’m wrong that I am yelling at everyone. I don’t have time to be fun and charming and humble because I want to smash everyone’s head together until they think like me.

But really, I am scared that I’m doing something wrong with my kids. When I’ve been scared before, I could hide it. Like, when I was in the mental hospital for postpartum depression, I just kept writing resume advice. But it’s hard to hide that I’m homeschooling. It affects everything. And I’m getting worse and worse at hidingWhich is probably good. But I’m still scared.

I wish I didn’t need other peoples’ approval.

The thing is, I don’t care if you think nursing homes will be full of sex toys. I know I’m right. I can move on. But I am stuck on homeschool. I can’t stand that people are sending their kids to school when I know they shouldn’t.

But I don’t want to admit that I’m unsure how to make homeschooling work. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I starting taking anxiety medicine when I starting homeschooling. And it’s not a coincidence that right after I started homeschooling Melissa started sending me fidget toys so I don’t pick my cuticles from anxiety. And I’m so nervous about not knowing what works to make a good life that I can’t even post this post on my homeschool blog. I don’t want anyone to know.

I just remembered that I was going to make a quiz for this post so you can test yourself to see if you are preachy, arrogant, and annoying. Here’s the test: What part of your life would you never tell your friend about? Whatever it is, that’s where you are preachy and arrogant. You don’t want to tell your friend so that you can pretend that you are good in that area. Secrets are the spots in our lives where we are most devoted to being preachy.

So we all fail the test. A better test would be: which fear can you face today? Find something no one knows about you. Or only a few people know. That’s the thing that you can’t stand admitting because then you can’t be high and mighty about it.

It’s one of the hardest things to do. It’s the focus of the majority of  coaching sessions I do. Invariably the thing that holds us back is we want to be admired for something that we do not actually deserve admiration for. It’s that gap that makes us stuck. And right now I’m suck in homeschooling hell.