I sent this post to my editor and he said to me, “This is not a blog post. This is a breakdown.”

So fine. It’s a breakdown blog post. But it’s a plyometric breakdown. Do you know what plyometrics are? I learned about this when I played pro volleyball. It’s a way to train your muscles to respond fast. You get your jump to happen in a more explosive way by training your muscles to react faster to shock.

Plyometrics are key to any elite training, even elite-level breakdowns.

Step One: Hate as many people as you can, all at once. Also, hate yourself.  

I spent the morning reading education reformers talking about how learning and schools are not compatible and the school model is dead.

But those very people are sending their kids to school. Because it’s really hard to be on top of the national speaking circuit for school reform and also homeschool your kids. So the education reform community is full of people who are full of shit. They say school is dead but they continue to use school as a babysitting service for their kids.

I got so pissed off that I wrote a post about it.

Then I started sorting my email and found a link to Ramit Sethi’s interview with James Altucher.

I think I am running the same business as Ramit but he is doing it better. So, fine. Go watch his videos. They’re great. And here‘s the James Altucher interview. James blogs in a very similar style to mine. And he is better at it because he grew his blog much faster than I grew mine.

But here’s what drives me fucking nuts about Ramit’s discussion with James. The interview is about why people don’t face their fears. And here’s what I think: Ramit doesn’t have kids. He jet sets between NY and San Francisco preaching to people about fear when honestly, my biggest fear is that I can’t keep up with people like Ramit who have no responsibility in their life except to grow their business. What about that fear? The fear of competing with people who don’t have kids.

And here’s another fear I have: Fear of competing with middle-aged men who abandon their family and marry someone younger. Really. I am sick of it. James Altucher married his yoga teacher. He has two kids he does not live with. My fear is that I am the one living with my kids and I’m competing with men who left their kids behind with their mothers.

Step two: Make it worse. List all your fears so you can get them in one place to better obsess over them. 

My fear is that I’m becoming irrelevant to the world because all my fears revolve around being a sub-par parent.

I fear that I hate dealing with people who don’t have kids living with them because their life is so simple.

I fear that I’ll be relegated to the ghetto of mom bloggers, or the ghetto of moms in the workforce, and I hate all the moms. I don’t want people to see me as just a mom.

I fear that my career advice is going to bore the shit out of you because it’s boring the shit out of me.

Also, I have started drinking at 8am. It’s a great way to face the day. Probably this is the last time you’ll hear from me about alcohol until I am in rehab. With Elizabeth Vargas.

Step three: Prepare for action. Figure out the people in your life you have to get rid of.

The other morning some guy called and said, “Hi, Penelope. I’m your neighbor. I live on the farm just over the hill from you.”

I could tell it was time to pour a glass of wine. Which I did not do, because now I am just drinking out of the bottle.

He said: “I didn’t know you were so famous ’til I searched you on the Internet.”

I was quiet. Random calls from the Internet go fast when I don’t talk.

He said, “I found your site by typing into Google women near Darlington Wisconsin who want to have sex.”

Step four: Notice that most of the stuff going wrong is not that important. 

It turns out Matthew’s known the guy forever. Around here people don’t sell their land.

The guy said he’ll say hi when he sees me at the grocery store. Matthew says I should avoid the grocery store.

Does Ramit field phone calls like this? No. He hangs up. He is busy. James Altucher fields phone calls like this. He would think it’s interesting. James likes the underbelly of the misguided. Which is the appeal of James, really. But James doesn’t wake up to needy kids. He wakes up to yoga with his hot wife.

Yesterday I was doing a webinar which, supposedly, I am great at and that’s why I’m doing a company, and my kids had a fight and brought their fight so close to me that I pulled off my headphones and screamed at them to get out of the room and stop killing each other.

I forgot that the audio input was the computer, not the headphones, so the whole thing was recorded.

Check out Ramit’s videos.  You do not see him screaming at people off camera. And why am I linking to Ramit’s video anyway? I’m insane. This post is going to be better for Ramit’s business than my business.

Step five: Find people who value all of you, even the breakdown part. 

Cassie sends links to cheer me up. She sent me research that women who drink earn 14% more than women who don’t. I can already feel the money coming in.

Melissa edits photos for my blog like little presents. And she made an exception to her blurry-is-bad rule for today’s photo, because she cares about me and she knows how much thin legs improve mental health.

Then an angel investor I was pitching looked at one my videos courses on Quisitc and said, “Are you kidding me? People pay for this? You are ranting and nuts and the video quality is terrible.”

Another investor in the room said, “Don’t you get it? That’s why people like her. She is just being her real self and people identify with her.”

And you know what? Both investors put money into my company.