Zero tolerance for domestic violence is wrong
It’s been four days since I documented my own domestic violence, in almost real-time, between me and the Farmer. The most common response I’ve heard is some variation of: “Zero tolerance for domestic abuse!”
And you know what? I have zero tolerance for things I am not prone to tolerate as well. That’s easy, isn’t it?
It’s much harder to see the issue from the person’s perspective who has the issue.
I’ve spent days reading the 500 comments on my blog and the comments about my situation on other blogs, and I’m absolutely shocked by the collective hatred and disdain for women who are in violent relationships.
Here’s what someone said on my blog: “Victims of domestic abuse suck at pressing charges.”
Yes. It’s true. Women don’t like to press charges. Because they love the guy. You, maybe, are unable to fall in love with a guy who is violent. Good for you. But do you have to hate women who aren’t like you?
For some reason, people feel it is honorable to rip a woman to shreds if she is living with domestic violence. Here’s an example from the comments section on James Altucher’s blog:
“[Penelope Trunk is] out of her mind to think that her children are not being abused. She, in fact, is as guilty of that abuse as the farmer that beats her.”
The high-and-mightiness that emanates from the public discussion of domestic violence is breathtaking. Everyone is an expert. Everyone knows what’s right.
Here’s an example from the comments section on Jezebel, a supposedly feminist community that is full of anger towards women who live in violent households.
“No one gets another chance to hit me. I don’t care that I have the training to fight back.
“One incident, and YOU LEAVE. Violent people don’t get better without a lot of work, and it’s not *your* problem. Once someone raises a hand to you, you owe that person *nothing.* It’s likely that the violent behavior will escalate. Sometimes it is deliberate. Either way, YOU LEAVE.”
This person sees everything very clearly. If there’s abuse, you leave. Even if it’s small. Because all small abuse gets huge.
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that if the guy hits you twice, the kids are better off living in a single-parent home and hearing their dad called an abuser. What people do say is that the odds are it won’t stop. The odds are it will get worse. The odds are, the kids will be worse off, in the end, having lived with the dad.
But the truth is that we do not believe that men who leave two, visible marks on their wife should lose their kids.
You know how I know we don’t believe this? Because if Child Protective Services sees two bruises on a kid at two different times, the kid is not removed from the home. Think about it: Is that kid better off with parents who might be able to stop, or in the Foster Care System for the rest of their life?
So we are making bets, right? Is it better to leave, because it is likely to get worse? Or is it better to stay because the benefits from things improving, although unlikely, are huge?
I’m in the startup community. It’s the world of high risk. You bet big on yourself, you kill your family’s credit, you put your house on the line, and maybe, just maybe, your company will make it.
So why wouldn’t I bet big on myself now? I am not the whole problem in my family, but I am half. And over the last year I have described multiple situations where I was half the problem.
I can improve my own half and see what happens. Have you been to couple’s therapy? There’s a saying that a marriage is a gear system. If one gear changes, all the gears change.
Blog commenters will argue against this idea by telling me not to change because It’s not my fault.
But really, how do they know? We know that I grew up in a home where there was lots of violence. So it’s likely that I will be in that kind of house when I’m an adult. And surely it’s possible that I am contributing to the mix since I am statistically likely to create a violent household. Here’s another thing: You don’t know what I did leading up to the bruise in the photo.
I’ll tell you what my mom used to do leading up to my dad hitting her:
One night they were wallpapering. They had been wallpapering the living room after work for a week. My mom got mad at my dad and threw red paint all over the wallpaper. Ruined all their work. He didn’t respond. He was stunned. Then she knocked over the table with the wallpaper and the glue. It ruined the newly varnished floors. He held her arms so she couldn’t do anything else. He held tighter and tighter. She kicked him to get loose. She left no mark. He hit her in the face.
If she blogged about it, and showed the hand print on her face, she might get 500 commenters telling her it’s not her fault.
Should she leave with me and my brother because our dad is violent and we should not live with him? Or should she work on her own behavior to see if she can single-handedly stop the violence?
I think the most grown-up, good parenting thing for her to do would be to understand her own behavior and stop it so that me and my brother could grow up in a home with both our parents. She didn’t do that, of course. She had little insight into her own behavior and she and my dad ended up taking most of their anger out on me.
My mom had good choices she could have made because, in fact, part of the domestic violence was her fault.
“It’s not your fault” completely limits a woman’s choices, because you are saying that she is powerless to control the situation. And if you tell every woman “it’s not your fault” then they can’t improve. How do women get better at not creating a violent household? Probably by changing their behavior. This doesn’t mean “always tiptoe around your spouse and become a mouse”. But it can mean a wide range of positive changes.
We are all growing personally. It’s not your fault is almost always a path to no growth. It’s what Oprah founded her show on, right? Personal responsibility. Why don’t we go there, first, before we go to “it’s not your fault”. The truth is that if we take responsibility for the problems in our lives, we can solve the problem. If we blame other people, we are always running. People who blame other people can’t get along with siblings, can’t get along at work, lose friends quickly. People who facilitate that behavior say, “It’s not your fault.”
Most of the success of my blog comes from my reliance on the idea of personal responsibility. There are no bad bosses–it’s only you. If you can’t get a job it’s not because of the job market, it’s because you are unemployable. And you can fix that. Your heavy workload is not because someone gave it to you — you gave it to yourself. People like what I say because I show them how they can fix anything when they take responsibility for fixing it. That’s what I truly believe.
And that’s why I’m staying with the Farmer.
http://youtu.be/gMQvK7VcrsM
This is my newly released music video for domestic violence awareness month. This is my truth. Most women are trapped. They lose their sanity. I was. I did. I finally got out when my youngest son was raised. Please feel free to repost and share.
Domestic violence is difficult to understand even if you have been in a similar relationship yourself. Your post is bold and honest, and I love how you play a bit of devils advocate. Thank you for sharing, and please be safe!
I have one problem with this. Why is there a photo of you, naked from the waist down, to show this bruise. It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I don’t understand why you chose that type of photo to show the bruise. I have worked with many survivors of abuse as a social worker, and *most* prefer to keep the physical (and emotional) bruises hidden, not display them on the internet amidst an almost exposed pubis and butt cheeks. This feels attention-seeking to me. For the sake of your children, I think that you need to find a way to work your way out of this mess. I know it’s not easy, I have a similar experience in my life, but when you’ve gotten to the point where you are blogging daily and showing photos, it doesn’t seem to be about you and your children’s safety anymore. Either way, I wish you peace and the best of luck in moving on.
Dear dear Penelope.
I am considering writing a blog for women like you. I googled domestic abuse blogs and yours came up.
I read you post here and it makes me very very sad for you.
You see you spell out very clearly “Why women stay”. You are in the denial not that bad, happens to lots and the blaming yourself.
You are right you are part of the problem.
You see you are a co-conspirator. You may in fact be “bringing it on”. Then you have an excuse later why it wasn’t his fault making it easy to stay.
2 wrongs don’t make a right, and your kids are suffering.
I lived this chaotic life for over 15 years. Sometimes it was pure bliss. Then there would be cycles of dark times. I, like you would sometimes egg him on and had a perfect excuse.
I also become alienated, secluded and lonely as most of my friends and family “abandoned me”. But in your phase you don’t see that you don’t need to live like this.
I believe most women stay because that either thrive on drama and are drawn to partners that most people would dismiss very early on. They don’t think they can do better and they are stuck, and the wonderful one that we are shamed and villanized for staying and SOCIETY SUPPORTS THE ABUSE by the way the legal system is set up.
I will tell you that one day you will wake up hopefully and realise you are abusing your children by proxy.
I got to the point where I realised I needed out of this chaos if not for me for my kids.
See you can justify all you want.
If you think you deserve it, it is time to stop deserving it.
My AH HAH moment was when I came to the conclusion that they only victims in life are children and people who are harmed by strangers.
I was part of the problem and so are you.
You can’t change others you can only change how you react to others and I didn’t want my 2 children growing up in chaos and thinking that this what you describe and I lived is NORMAL.
I went to a psychologist and said I want to get out of this, help me to recognise my part and change my thinking.
It was very very hard.
Who knows, maybe by doing this your “farmer” will see the error in his ways and change.
All I can say is I for one really think your thinking is flawed in saying that children that are only hit 2 times are better off with their parents.
By watching these things unfold you both are abusing them.
The moment for me was when the therapist told me SHAME ON YOU FOR LETTING YOUR KIDS WITNESS THIS>
I decided that the next time was it.
Mine happend in Disney World. He almost killed me. Cholked me unconscious in front of the kids in an expensive suite at the Hilton.
See I had the “audacity” to argue with him for not letting us go to LEGOWORLD and pouring out the bottle of Grand Marnier he was drinking……I almost died that night.
I left
had nothing…except my kids and cats.
9 years later, and family court case I can tell you that with counseling you can change your part and way of thinking to save your kids from this hell.
I am now married to a very kind loving and SANE gentleman and we live a quiet calm life.
Over the years I have come to realise YES I was part of the problem with my ex and the years of abuse but that was no excuse for making my kids live in that hell and ruin their life.
It takes courage and it is a very hard road.
But it will happen again and it does escalate.
First he pulls your hair and calls you B – you stay
Then he breaks your finger because you were yelling – you feel guilty believe him that it was all your fault – you stay.
Next fight he throws you down a set of stairs, you tried to walk away from him and he just wanted you to stop and listen when he was talking – you stay…..
get it??
….and all the while your kids were in the next room watching TV scared out of their mind.
It escalates.
Would you like them to go to Foster Care instead when you are dead and their daddy is going to jail???
That is where mine almost went. It would have if my son hadn’t walked into the room and my ex dropped me (unconscious)
It would have not been the last time if I didn’t finally say NO MORE.
I called the police. Maybe that will wake him up, maybe not. But you and your kids do not have to live like this.
First step is stop making excuses!
Mine was a love of what seemed to be the “Perfect Life”.
I took the abuse once every 6 months or so as payment for living in a big house, and having a successful company.
He is at fault and you are a victim or you both are at fault is irrelevant.
Your kids are suffering in that chaos and so were you when you grew up. You deserved better then and so do your kids now.
All you are teaching them is the cycle of abuse so they can later perpetuate it unless you change it for them now
All the best..
P.S, – I tell you this because I have been there, I do not think you are a bad person. You need help.
Hugs
People don’t realize how difficult it is to leave an abuser. And domestic violence often leads to brain injury that causes cognitive problems making it more difficult to leave an abusive partner. It’s a cycle. Here is a blog post talking about brain injury due to domestic violence, how it makes it more difficult to leave, and how to help someone in that situation: http://www.neuroconnect.ca/podcasts.html
I just came to this forum for the first time to read about other aspy adults with aspy families, and I think this is the last time I am coming here, not because I am judging, but because I thought Penelope might have some good advice, but after reading on, and not agreeing with some, but seeing some good points in others, I realized she is just like the rest of us, trying to find her way yet. I guess I think bloggers sometimes write because they have it all figured out and want to share their wisdom, but I almost see this as more of a ‘dear diary’ entry because it probably mirrors a lot of my own- with swings of “violence is okay because the kids have two parents” to “it’s all my fault or partially my fault” to the other extreme. I lived all that, I was hoping to get some aspiring wisdom, not to read about someone else doing the same thing. Maybe if we take these words as one woman’s experience rather than expert advice, we won’t need to judge it. If anything I feel better that I am not the only confused person out there.
Your advice and excuses are phenomenally bad! Talk about self-defeating. I don’t care if you are a rock star when it comes to start ups. To me, you sound no better than the high school dropout who stays with a man because secret they fear being alone. When you made those disparaging comments about your miscarriage, I though you were a few fries short of a happy meal but this one really takes the cake! If you stay with an abusive man, then you pretty much are getting what you deserve and I don’t feel the least bit sorry for you, but PLEASE do not lead other women down your path of destruction! That’s just plain irresponsible.
Wow, I’ve never heard about this side of this issue. Thanks for posting this. It’s so sad how every side of the domestic assaults issue is filled with sadness and hardship. :(
I fear having a blog because people will tell you what they think of you, personally, no holds barred, whereas in normal life, people keep those thoughts behind your back. I don’t think most people could handle seeing them face to face all the time. Do you think you have a personality for fame, because you are robust to the increase in adoration and hatred, impersonal as it must be given that most of these people don’t even know you, or do you think most of us could handle it given enough time? I don’t want to be famous but I wonder if I am too sensitive for blogging sincerely? This is an aside.
With regards to abuse, I thought about it, and it would never be okay emotionally to me to be crying, have the man I love hurt me and not stop as I cried stop, then trust him again as I need to. That’s a deal-breaker to me, emotionally. And I wouldn’t care if he were defective, not bad; the effect is the same, because that scenario would not be okay to me. What I wonder is how much that is affected by how loved you were is a child. I am one to believe parents do not affect personality as many like to believe, but being truly loved might set someone up. If you believed you could be loved in such a way that your pain would be the pain of someone who loves you and they would never want to hurt you, and a man who loves you wants to be your protector, not someone you cower from, would you stay? Maybe he won’t hit you again, but will he stay with you til you are old? Does he love you?
Hello Penelope,
I have read you story and wanted to let you know that I support you. No one can truly understand your situation and no one has the right to tell you your decision to stay was right or wrong. That being said I would like to tell you that the farmer’s hitting you was not your fault. No one has the power to make anyone do anything, he hit you and that was his choice. Please know that if you do ever need to leave this situation that there are supports out there for you. There are Women’s Transitions house all over the world that will protect you and your children. I have had the privilege of working with one such transition house and highly recommend that you access this support if you need it. A transition house will be able to put you in contact with any Financial or emotional resources that you may require. Leaving these types of situations are scary, but there are resources out there to help you. To anyone out there experiencing Domestic Violence; You are not alone, there are people out there to support you. If you reach out you will receive help. Penelope I hope you are doing well and I hope that you have not experienced any further violence.
Domestiv violence for women should not be tolerated. The real man never harm the women.
I’m definitely not the smartest person to be posting comments.In fact probably the most uneducated person you might know. Mrs trunk you might never see my comment, however I still had to say this in hopes that you would. I have been married to a man for 8 years in the beginning he hit me very often. I was a extreme provoker.I grew up with abuse, so I provoked a wonderful man who was not violent to violence, because I wanted to know he was in love with me.I knew his buttons. I could make every man that I was ever with hit me, and yes I punched first sometimes. I was a very selfish, emotionally immature and the list goes on. My point is me and my husband have not been violent in 6 years and I really don’t think its in us anymore so he and you can change and your a wise woman if you are your kids are in extreme danger I know you wouldn’t stay.
What caused your mom to act that way? Men like to label women crazy, when usually they are the cause of that behavior…
I don’t know how appropriate or relevant it’s gonna sound, but i think women should learn to cry quietly and compain to guy, “you don’t love me enough, I just want to be loved and accepted and approved by you” instead of throwing angry tantrums and acting crazy… worked for me…..
The decision to stay or go is purely up to the individual. Its easy to judge others when we don’t really know why a victim of domestic violence stays. However, what about the victims that want to leave but feel trapped? What should be done for the ones who have made up their minds to leave but can’t?
Thankfully, there are organizations that assist victims looking for a way out. Snaggy Tees put together a t-shirt campaign to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.teespring.com/ilovesomeone Please help spread the word about our campaign, thank you.
Really .. you expect sympathy? and still respect you as a smart businesswoman? I admire smart business acumen. And I hate abuse. But sweetheart, mixing the two in one blog… NO. I can love you as a smart business woman …. I can love you as abused woman … but whom do you wish me to to love on? Because, sad as it is .. you eliminated yourself as capable business woman by posting this. For friends. For helpers like psych or po-po … do you want me to find your genius in business or so you want me to worry over your domestic moments? I have huge emotion about both, but you have to give me the opportunity to have forum for that choice. Just saying. I am a fan. Help me know which kind of fan you wish me to be. Oy.
I ran across this post while searching for resources to explain to kids why hitting girls isn’t appropriate. This was not at all what I was looking for. But now that I’ve read it (and all the other posts you’ve written on this topic), I’m sorry to tell you that without intervention, your sons are going to grow up thinking that 1) women are not worthy of being respected and 2) that women are punching bags.
I know this because I’m currently the foster parent of a 10 y/o boy and 5 y/o girl who prior their removal by CPS were in a home where they watched both parents batter each other (among other reasons as well). Based on the logic in your post, it would be better for them to be at home, watching those interactions than in my home learning how it’s not appropriate to resort to violence when angry, or really at all. Here’s why I disagree:
In the past two weeks, we have had to field 2 separate phone calls from the 10 y/o’s school about the fact that he open hand slapped two different girls in the hallway, simply because they made some innocent comment about something that didn’t even pertain to him, and he got angry about it.
Then earlier this week he got upset that his sister wouldn’t do what he wanted her to do, and decided to push her to the ground.
At 10 he is already continuing the cycle that he witnessed at home, and has said to my husband and me that he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to “rough up” girls. Sadly, he’s probably not going to be with us long enough for us to convince him that it’s not okay to do that.
It’s my opinion (which you’ll likely disagree with) that you need therapy apart from the Farmer to realize that you have self worth, and that your self worth should be the reason that you need to pick up the phone the next time you get thrown around.
Assuming it’s true, your story is sad, because it appears you’re a fairly successful businesswoman, and could go far if you weren’t so beat up.
(Meant to say in my last post…)
VIOLENCE IS WRONG; BUT SO “ZERO TOLERANCE” IS ALSO WRONG… Here’s why
I am so passionate about domestic abuse and “victim’s” reasons for staying that I started a blog about it and plan to write a book in the next few years. People who have never been through the situation cannot understand it. I never thought I’d stay after domestic violence but there are so many factors involved that, for a while, I DID stay. When I did finally leave, I still had many doubts and regrets about leaving. Sounds crazy to someone who has never been in that situation, but try having to send your 2-year-old child back to live with an abuser when she has NEVER spent the night away from her mommy and has been very dependent on her mommy. In my state (and most), abuse of the mother is not considered in custody. The abuser can and usually does end up with at least some unsupervised visitation of the children. Of course, the children don’t understand why Mommy and Daddy aren’t together anymore. Then, there’s the fear of further abuse/stalking, etc. when you leave. That is often the most dangerous time for the family. Many women have been killed at this particular time. Women can sense the danger that they are in and thus often continue walking on eggshells. They are also likely to be isolated from friends and family, so have nowhere to turn. There are many factors involved and we should all try to practice understanding, especially if we have never been in the situation!