The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
I just commented, but it seems to have been deleted?
So I’ll rewrite a short summary: LEAVE. For your children and them alone. LEAVE.
I get the naked thing. Just as the Volleyball mgr. was naked in his offer to go to L.A. Do it!
The relationship is over. Regroup
This is just wrong…
Most farmers tend to stay out of the limelight, preferring instead to take of the chores that need to be done.
I’ve wondered how the farmer liked being exposed to the world when times were good. Can’t imagine he was thrilled.
Bet he’s even less thrilled about fights being broadcast on the Internet without getting to tell his side. Bet he downright giddy, though, that some random Internet person called the cops.
I hope, for his sake (and Penelope’s), that she finally moves out of his house.
Penelope – I’m not sure I can stand reading your blog anymore. This is infuriating. You won’t press charges? Are you really that %#(@&$^ stupid?! Or just insane?! Or really just that SELFISH that you are going to continue to subject yourself AND your children to such a shitty situation simply because you don’t think you’ll be missed if you leave? Wake up and smell the cow shit, woman. You need to take control of your life. I don’t care how impossible you are to live with, you don’t deserve to be hit. And your children don’t deserve to see or hear such disgusting displays of human indecency, nor do they deserve to be put in the line of fire. You cannot change people. If he hit you once, he will do it again. Leave. Just leave. You are better than this.
It’s not clear that the farmer ever hit her. Pushing someone out of the way is slightly different than punching them in the face.
Just like people who cut themselves, I suspect you need to get hurt so that it reminds you that you are real. Maybe you think you have no value unless someone hurts you.
And now that your kids are over 3 years of age, they too are adopting the abuse/abused mentality. Kids learn life values pretty young.
Penelope, please call the crisis number at Domestic Abuse Intervention Services in Madison (608) 251-4445. They do great work including career counseling which I am sure you can help make even better. Counseling, kids programs, housing, etc. is all available if you reach out (in real life).
First, I hope you are healing — both physically and emotionally. And I hope your boys are okay.
I check your blog about once a week, read frequently, and comment rarely. When I cruised over to see what was going on I saw the photo and immediately thought, “Oh my God, she got beat up again.”
I have no experience with domestic violence, nor do I even know of anyone for whom it has been a major issue. Yet this post (and the comments) — like all of your posts — has something universal to say. For me, it makes me wonder why smart people who know exactly what needs to be done remain mired in inaction. For you, it’s not leaving an abusive relationship. For the rest of your readers, it may be something else.
This post is a reminder to me of the things I know I need to do — to better my life and the lives of those I love — but continue to leave undone because they are too frightening, difficult or inconvenient. Of course, doing most of these things requires another kind of pain: change.
As always, thank you.
Penelope, I am thinking that it’s not just the Farmer who isn’t good for you, but living in such isolation. I live on a farm too, and I turn to the Internet as well for community–but the difference is I’m an extreme introvert so my social needs are much lower than those of an extrovert. Extroverts gain their energy from social interaction and I think you get far too little there, and thus turn to the Farmer when he seems like an introvert who needs space and silence to recharge.
You have so much freedom because your job moves with you, and your kids are homeschooled; couldn’t you make a list of wonderful places you could go which would benefit you and the kids? like you could spend some months traveling the world with them (like doing volunteer work for room and board at a place that doesn’t mind you bringing kids, or something like that) or you could move to a big city again and get a half-day job so you could have structure and community…I dunno, I’m just thinking you could stop thinking about trying to repair this relationship and think instead about doing something you want to do with your life that’s been constrained by your living on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
I agree with you Colleen. I think Penelope’s needs are literally driving the Farmer crazy.
I still miss the partner of 3 years who punched me in the face. I still want him to miss me. But I got a restraining order against him to remind myself to leave him alone, not because he was going to come after me.
Subjectively true feelings can come from fucked up places and can’t always be reconciled with objective truths like “violence is never OK” and “everyone deserves love.”
The farmer doesn’t like to talk, but actions speak louder than words. In writing your blog, you’ve found a way to make your words into work. But you still need to act to back them up. You have lots of readers who are supportive of you, even those who say unkind things care in some way. As with your son’s skateboarding, sometimes quitting is the best thing to do.
you will not press charges when the police stop by? But you are actually charging the farmer with the crime on your blog. A forum where he has no voice. I am not defending violence here, I think it is wrong and has to be stopped, I also think that likely the only way to break the cycle is for you to leave the farm. But, you are also not contributing to problem solution by putting on the pressure even further through a very public display of your injuries, physically and emotionally.
Penelope,
You wrote, “I want someone to miss me.” *Your children will miss you if you commit the suicidal act of returning to the Farmer.
*Your massive readership will miss you.
And if I might point out, your parents practiced domestic violence. You practice domestic violence. It’s a family tradition which you are passing on to your chilren.
Bill
So sorry for you! But I agree with the Farmer in one respect; I need peace and down time when I get home from work (IT Manager). If my husband, god bless him, kept me up late at night yaking at me, I would slug him also. I am not making excuses for the Farmer, any violence is bad violence. It seems he has given up alot for your family, working with his family on their land, but you can’t stay and have the violence escalate. You know who I really feel bad for? Your boys. It seems like they have connected with the Farmer.
I am a big fan of yours and I know that you pride yourself on being a good mother. I have this to say to you: you are being a bad mother right now. And I think you need to hear this, because while you may never leave to save yourself, you might very well leave to save your boys. I’ll say it again: by subjecting your kids to an atmosphere of violence and by giving them the message that it is, in fact, your fault, you are doing them a great deal of harm. You are too smart and care too much about them to do this to them, aren’t you? Please, start being a good mother again: I am very worried about your sons.
=That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.=
If things get any more worse, and you’re dead, we’ll all miss you.
I often find cheesy music to help in times of heartache.
I guess your blog doesn’t support embedded youtube videos. The song I’m thinking of is “We Just Disagree” by Dave Mason.
youtube.com/watch?v=HeiVBA1hCkM
Penelope, hope you and/or the farmer will figure this out. I have no advice. But you all matter.
Tommi
Take care of yourself and your children first.
As the father of a 30 year old daughter, I telling you to leave this relationship now.
I wish you the best and I understand how difficult it can be to be caught in a bad relationship but now that the relationship has become violent you need to get out of it.
Best of luck to you in the New Year.
Your parents really did a number on you, to make you feel like you need to be different in order for this relationship to work. Stand up for yourself and leave the farm. You can do it. You have friends, even total strangers on your side to help you do it.
I was a battered wife in the early 70s, when the cops just said, oh, he’s your husband, there’s nothing I can do…I finally got the courage to leave him with my 3 year old, after he began teaching her how to say “let’s kill mommy”. I know this isn’t your situation, but the basic dynamics are the same for all women caught in a violent marriage. 1. He WILL do it again, no matter WHAT he says or promises. 2. Your children are better off with ONE parent than with two who are being violent. 3. If you stay, it WILL get worse. for goodness sake, google it. you’re a smart girl.
That said, I do have to wonder about the picture. Who took it? And since when do hotels rooms have hardwood floors with wooden 5 or six panel doors? I’m not doubting you, but I am calling it hinky. something’s just not right…
Some people are just toxic together. That however never makes abuse okay and blaming yourself because you could do better, be less annoying or whatever it takes to fix you doesn’t work. I really feel for you and I hope you realise that you are worth far more than to be treated like this. If you can’t do it for yourself, think a couple of years down the road to when your kids are teenagers and the voilence starts against them because they deserve it for teenage rebellion.
One of my best friends married a man from another culture, and he drove her crazy (see gaslighting article link, always telling her she was overacting, he was kidding, she was crazy) and she blamed her craziness on why he was pushing and hitting her. Problem was, she wasn’t crazy, just reacting to someone treating her badly and he used her reactions as to why he got to be voilent with her.
Ended with him in jail for assult, battery and rape after they seperated (in Canada, the police press charges, not the people) after his neighbors called about her screaming. I found it hard to beleive, she is smart, funny and takes crap from no one but her mother was abusive and her therapist said that she had to change what she was doing and what she should accept in order to change who she attracted into her life. Weirdly, she sometimes still thinks it was her fault and that he wasn’t a bad guy all the time. Taking the blame on yourself is one of the ways that you get trapped in these relationships.
From the looks of it, everyone here misses you. The you who blogged more often, the you who taught wonderful life lessons, the you who had incredible experiences to share. Personally, I think we are all better than the farmer when you combine us.
You are missed.
I totally agree with Garth.
If you can’t leave for you, then leave for your children. Boys who grow up witnessing abuse, are far more likely to become abusers. Do it for them, their future partners, and children. Break the cycle. There is no reason for you to stay. He will not change. Period. The abuse will not stop. It will get worse. The numbers do not lie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXF73_7Phj4
I was glad Jo Jo made the call, but I wish it would have been to child protective services instead. The children should be removed from this situation.
How long before he hits one of your children? Are you wiling to find out?
I've followed your blog because I think you're what business in general needs: someone to tell it like it is and demonstrate what – thinking outside the box' really is—not the cliché it's become.
You're someone I feel like I could chat with for 20 minutes and walk away with a load of ideas, fresh perspective and best of all, feeling better about myself.
But, I have to say something that will feel harsh: When you decided to have children, you took on the greatest and most important responsibility in the world: you committed to not only provide them the physical basics, you also committed to do the best by them for their emotional health. In my very blunt opinion, if a person can't do that, they should not have children.
No one is perfect—that's part of the deal. But by not taking care of yourself, you are essentially setting your boys up for as much emotional despair as you've had in your lifetime. Even if they have not directly witnessed the abuse, you are practically guaranteeing them a life of dysfunction — in their jobs, relationships and ability to experience peace. It very well might not be evident now or for the rest of their growing up years. But dysfunction WILL manifest itself for them at some point—certainly when they're adults.
For their sake, if not your own, do not go back to the farmer. Or, if you do, don't take them with you – let their father or someone else have them. If you can't do the next right thing for yourself, then do it for them.
Lovingly and respectfully – -Shelley
And stay away from your parents! Don’t turn to them for support.
I too called the police last night. I felt a little awkward explaining to the dispatcher that the might want to do a welfare check on for a woman who dropped her pants for a picture on her blog as she and her kids may need protection.
Penelope, in business one is often encouraged to “Fake it until you make it”. Perhaps you should apply that to your current situation as well.
You have several challenges that most don’t need to deal with and I feel for you. Some of them are of your own choosing.
However, you need to ask what does a healthy marriage, family, relationship and life look like and take the steps to get there. If it doesn’t seem like something you have done in the past, select a stable role model(s) and ask what would they do and then do the same thing.
Honestly, I feel you are making a horrible, self-destructive decision my staying with a male who is masquerading as a man. Beating you up doesn’t make him a man. It makes him a boy in big boy pants who can’t control himself.
GET OUT NOW AND STAY OUT. THIS IS UNHEALTHY AND WILL BRING MISERY AND UNHAPPINESS TO YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
go. Get out. No one deserves to be hit
You are a survivor, Penelope. You have the strength to leave. You are choking on the dust of this melting down relationship, as you choked on the dust of the towers. You may have to do some unpleasant stuff to really break free, but you will crawl through the rubble, find what you need to quench your horrible thirst and wash your grit filled eyes. There will be pain and maybe scars, but you will come through it. And he will miss you, and you him, but you can’t go back. The towers have fallen. Don’t try to keep living in a past that doesn’t exist any more. Make a new life for yourself and your boys. You are a phoenix. Rise from the fire, ash and smoke. Spread your beautiful wings and fly on to greater heights. You and your boys deserve nothing less. And leaving the farmer is probably the best and only way to show him you really love him. He’s not a bad person, but he isn’t the right person for you. Go find the one who is. Even if that is just yourself.
You don’t understand, that’s just how things are on a farm.
It’s too hard to keep pets separate so you just kill the ones that are burdensome.
Same with yappy farm-wives – just get rid of them.
You’re a loathsome attention whore.
And YOU are clearly a farm animal…hopefully headed for slaughter
Are you, too, dying from a bruise, Shelly?
Should you go to the hospital? Call 911?
Do you actually believe anything in the blog is real?’
If so, you are a fool.
Penelope
I’ve been reading your blog off and on for years. It’s sad to see the situation you are in but it’s very clear you need to change your life immediately. If you really are difficult to live with, that should have been abundantly clear to your husband before you married. Violence is unacceptable under any condition. You need to move on from this now before it gets worse for you and your kids.
I wish you well and that next year is better for you and family. If you want to correspond, you have my email
Tim
You’re dying from a bruise?
You are such a loathsome attention whore.
Penelope, I wish I could help you. All I can offer is the fact that someone you’ve never met in NYC is concerned about you and wishes you the best. Please take care of yourself!
Just want to make sure you know that my ‘farm animal headed to slaughter’ comment a few minutes ago was to JNCC, not to you, Penelope.
Thanks for clearing that up, Shelly.
Oh noees, I have a paper cut. I iz dying!!!
I’ve not read the above comments, but I wanted to send you my support. You’re a strong woman who has built so much. Build yourself a safe place for your sons. You love statistics: what are the rates for those who have experienced abuse to grow up and think it normal? Or who grow up to be abusers themselves? What if your sons abuse their own families? If you can’t get out for yourself, get out for their sake. They will miss you, their mother, more than the man in your life can.
Fault is completely irrelevant. Sometimes relationships are bad and they need to end.
Borderline Personality Disorder. There’s treatment for this (long term psychotherapy, usually).
Whenever there’s a tornado of shit (see comments), the person in the center is probably a Borderline.
And congratulations, readers. You’ve all been sucked in. Read up on projective identification if you want to know why.
I have been a subscriber since you posted, “The secret to job security is to change jobs often.”
I agree with James A’s comments regarding you today.
I offer no advice, and you and yours are welcome here too.
Im sorry to read this, but also have to wonder what you’re doing here in this naked-in-many-ways post and whether it is something you will look back on as a good thing to have done.
OK, Penelope. Nearly 350 and counting comments (not including those by the ugly trolls) from your reader base expressing their concern, sadness, outrage, frustration, bewilderment and some of disgust.
What you do next is pivotal: to your physical and emotional wellbeing; to your career (and the future of this blog) to your son’s precious lives, to the other people in your life and finally, will affect all of us who read you.
You posted this entry for a reason–clearly to ask for help—which you must know by now you have. Maybe from folks you’ve never met before—but undoubtfully genuine.
Now, take the action that’s best for you and your boys. C’mon what do ya say?
“You posted this entry for a reason”
certainly to to try and spike page views!
OK, that’s enough. You’ve been given a voice in this discussion by Penelope, you’ve used it, now crawl back under the bridge.
You wrote “he would tell you that I'm impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone.”
Set up your office in a home for the deaf and blind, so your nonstop talking and badgering addiction won’t be noticed by about 90 percent of the people, and the other 10 percent will be happy that someone is paying attention to them.
To the folks who are wondering who took the picture, I assume it was the webcam on her laptop which was itself placed on the floor next to her. No need to go crazy.
Why did you title this The Psychology of Quitting? What are you quitting? Call it The Sanity of Facing Reality and Surviving. Do you mean quitting in the sense we quit a bad habit/addiction like smoking? Then, yes, you should absolutely quit the Farmer. He is an asshole and sounds crazy too. All of the reasons you imagine he would give us for physically hurting you? Shouldn’t those qualities be what the person you are married to loves about you? You referred to the last time there was violence – which was 3 months ago almost exactly. And I clicked the link and re-read that post. You were telling us how the three men in your life were discussing stamp collecting. Your last sentence was very prophetic: “The hinges are difficult. You never know if it's better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.”
You are the stamp. The Farmer is the hinge. You want the security of being attached (to anyone). But the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
You do not need the Farmer. You are strong enough to remove yourself and your boys from this bad situation. It will continue to get worse. Cut your losses now and just make a clean break. You and your boys will be better off without the farm or the Farmer and his nasty parents. You will find a way to survive and thrive. You’ve done it plenty of times before. Talk to someone sane and healthy every day (not your family). Develop a new healthy soundtrack in your brain to replace the damaged one that is playing now. Hitting you and demeaning you does not equal love or happiness. It is wrong and not normal. Don’t go back to the same situation and expect it to change. How many times do you need to fall into the hole in the road before you learn to take a different road?
You seriously need to get out of there. I don’t see this ending well if you stay — for you or your boys.
Dear P,
It seems like a lot of people don’t understand the photograph. I just thought you should know that someone out here gets it. I’ve been that naked before, too.
Love always.
Penelope, I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. You have a place to stay if you ever want or need it.
Love,
Jane
Penelope, you’re a pretty bright woman but staying in the relationship sounds like a pretty dumb decision. But right here you are being smart. You see that you are wrong to stay, and you have some good ideas to explain to yourself why you did, and why that situation might even be seductive to you. And you see that he is wrong to hit you.
Now you see what you need to do, and you see that it will be uncomfortable, even emotionally painful. But it needs to be done, so do it. Treat it like a business decision, or what you would tell someone else to do. Later, you can work on the deeper emotional issues that kept you there.
Good luck.
Penelope,
I don’t know if anyone else said this to you because 368 comments (right now) is too many to read through, but
If you want someone to miss you badly enough, stick with the Farmer and your children will miss you dearly once he has killed you.
But it doesn’t even have to be that bad. Your children probably miss you right now. Because when you are allowing the Farmer to get violent with you for ANY reason, they lose a little bit more of their mother each time. Because the woman that you become is not their mother. The woman you become is simply a victim.
Please leave the Farmer permanently, so your children will never have to miss you.
That bruise looks incredibly painful.
Please don’t go back. Please get help.
I don’t know any huge tough people in your area, but if I did, I would immediately send them to get your kids’ things and your things out of your house, or remove him from the house and put you back in it with protection.
I wish there were more I could do.