This is me battling impostor syndrome
This is the big test. Right here. This is the test to see if you will stick with me even when you know everything. There is lameness about me. Not the lameness commenters point out. Not like, I don’t know anything about graduate school. Or I’m not fair to David Dellifield. No. It’s more fundamental than that.
I want you to recall that when I was growing up, the police came to our house pretty frequently. (And, in fact, to our hotel rooms. And you might be interested to know that when rich people trash a hotel room they do not get thrown out of the hotel. But rather, the kids get their own hotel room.) Every time, my dad would tell them that I was fine, that it was only a spanking, that I was exaggerating. He would tell them I have a behavioral problem.
He wasn’t covering anything up as much as expressing how my parents were actually convinced that I was a psychopath. I was the one who went to a psychiatrist my whole childhood. They even had me tested at Northwestern’s neurology lab. But at the same time, my parents were doing things like getting angry enough to leave me as in Arlington Heights, alone on a street corner, while they drove back to Wilmette. (Google Map that: Not good parenting. Probably illegal today.)
Okay. So fast forward to my marriage now, to the Farmer. The odds are that I would be with a man who treats me like my dad did, right? So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.
The Farmer would tell you why it’s my fault, and how I deserve it, and that I made him do it. If there were a neurology lab in rural Wisconsin he’d probably send me there because he has told me numerous times, most recently right after he apologized for pushing me, again, that I am emotionally abusive to him.
Two nights ago, I got really scared. He had already pushed me and shoved me and grabbed me and crushed my foot in a door. He would say that I deserved it. That I say crazy things to him. That I never leave him alone. That I am an awful person to live with. For the record.
He had me in a corner, and I was crying and I was scared, and he was telling me how I am a terrible mom, he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me. So I dialed a number that I thought was a friend, but it was my stepmom, the woman married to my dad
She is totally cool. My dad has very good taste and I really like this stepmom. And she was great to talk to. I can’t complain about one thing she said.
She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love parents. So that’s my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I’d never believe it.
And of course, she said I need to leave.
I was silent.
Then she suggests sending my dad to come see me. For support. I say okay. Because I can’t say no to support. And, you know what? I can’t say no to my dad. I just want to be loved. He tries really hard. I forgive every transgression, even as his transgressions are huge. Just go read that post. I can’t even bear to write about them again. I can’t because I want to have a dad who loves me in a real way.
I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.
So my dad drives two hours to see me. He gets here for dinner. I told him not to come any earlier because it’s Sunday, the day my Ex comes to hang out at the house with my sons, and it’s the only day all week that I don’t have kids, so I have to work that day.
Our dinner features my act of childish passive-aggressiveness: I make sure there is no meat in the meal because the Farmer really wants meat in the meal every time.
Maybe that is what he means when he tells me I’m emotionally abusive.
I am alone in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I tell myself not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself it gets me nowhere. I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.
My dad comes up to me in the kitchen. I am startled.
I tell him I really appreciate that he came, that it makes me feel less alone.
He tells me he wants to help. He tells me he researched women’s shelters in my area.
“Dad. Women’s shelter? Did you say women’s shelter?”
“Yes. I was thinking you could go to one.”
“I can’t go to a women’s shelter, Dad. It’s rural America. A women’s shelter, here?”
I am speechless. I am trying to figure out something to say to him about why I cannot show up to one of those, kids in tow.
“Dad. I’m famous. I’ve signed autographs in grocery stores.”
He said, “Oh. You are?”
I decide we are done. I fluff the bean salad and tell myself he is trying to be helpful.
The Farmer says grace. He needs to thank God before every meal. He wanted to say Jesus also, but we compromised with just God. So he says that. And as he thanks God for this meal, I put my head down and wonder if not allowing him to thank Jesus is emotionally abusive.
The kids eat and run.
And there I am, alone. With the three men in my life.
My dad talks about his stamp collection. There was an auction in Iowa. He was thinking of going, but all the stamps he wanted were too expensive.
The Ex says he had a stamp collection, too. His parents just sent it to him. They are cleaning out their closets.
The Farmer says he had a stamp collection too.
We talk about plate blocks, post card values, and pros and cons of hinges. The hinges are difficult. You never know if it’s better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
I predicted this. It was bound to fail, but it’s failing faster than I thought. One or the other is going to get served with restraining orders soon, and I don’t think it’s gonna be the Farmer. Looks like Penelope will get her wish to relocate back to New York sooner rather than later.
I didn’t see you asking for advice from the peanut gallery, so for a comment I will just say that is one of the most poignant blog posts ever written. What you do is your business (either suck it up/do dishes or move on). What you write is your brilliance. Thanks for writing.
Penelope:As a public figure are you factoring in how this post opens you up to all sorts of intervention and unwanted attention? From CPS to police.
This post may be a Pandora’s box with many unintended consequences for you and your children. Be careful.
I understand the impetus to not keep secrets, however, sometimes things
aren’t secret, but rather simply private and not for the world wide web.
It is also possible to be brutally honest after the fact, which I hope is what has happened here.
M
This post makes me cry. It could have been written by me.
Getout get out get out of the relationship. You do not deserve this. You are a great mother. You deserve a better support system than your dad can provide. Having am abusive parent be your crutch for an abusive husband is not an answer. Getting away from abusive parents/spouses is. I know it’s not easy, but it’s the only way.
At some point both you and the Farmer have to be responsible adults and parents. Please get help. Your episodes with are not healthy for the both of you and the children in the long term.
Is this fact or fiction? Assuming it is fact: I am a homeschooler too. But, I have a safe place at home. If you are not going to leave for yourself then you should for your kids. Staying and homeschooling will only teach them how accept abuse and they will likely grow up as victims… I wish I had a place for you to go but it sounds like your father has some ideas. There is a saying that I always tell myself when times are tough. “This too, shall pass.” It means what it says. Soon this will only be a memory.
That’s exactly what I thought when a read the post yesterday, that you were making this public to force yourself out. I’m curious about where are you now, are you at the farm? Did you get away? I can’t imagine your situation right now…
I lived with a crazy mother for 24 years and now I have a happy calm life with a patience man. My mother deserved a slap in the face from time to time, but my father never abused her. And I’m glad he didn’t – not exactly for her, but for me- otherwise I could have had a totally different situation here right now.
So, battering is not the solution. I wonder, if you are at the farm, does the farmer allow himself to look you at the face? Does he beg your pardon? As I said, I can’t imagine the situation…
What are you doing in a farm anyway, with a man that doesn`t love you at all? You’ve said before you were not happy there… And I guess your children aren’t happy there either…
I think I can grasp the conundrum here. Penelope would like to leave as she realizes this is no way to live her life, but she feels that by leaving, she is not doing right by the kids. She feels that the farmer is a good parent to them, and that they have safety and security for the first time (my assumption is that the violence does not extend to the kids). So, once again, the choice is choosing the kids welfare or her own. Only Penelope can judge how damaging witnessing the violence towards her by the farmer is for the kids. Life is not as black and white as we wish, no matter how much we want it to be. I think Penelope will know the right time to leave this situation, but she is unsure that the time is now. I feel that there will be a straw that breaks her back, and I just hope that its not too horrible. Just keep listening to that quiet voice inside you Pen, it will tell you what you should do for you and your kids. Do not listen to anyone but yourself, only you can decide what is right.
Really? Do you think the kids are not being damaged by witnessing the violence towards their mother? I only witnessed slight violence toward my brothers as a kid, from my father, and I can tell you, I had a lot of damage to deal with. Can only imagine what I’d be gone through if it was my mother going through that.
Really? Do you think the kids are not being damaged by witnessing the violence towards their mother? I only witnessed slight violence toward my brothers as a kid, from my father, and I can tell you, I had a lot of damage to deal with. Can only imagine what I’d be gone through if it was my mother going through that.
She has to feel ready to leave. I don`t disagree with you but there is obviously some good things she feels are there for her kids or she would have left by now. I definitely get the sense from her previous posts that she feels this is a good place for them, and is now trying to see where the tipping point lies, where the bad outweighs the good in this situation. I`ve been in a similar situation and there are NO easy answers I`m afraid. I stayed for my son`s sake, and it ended up working out. I was lucky in that my husband truly wanted to change and did (he`s not perfect, but the physical violence stopped after I threatened to leave and take my son far away, lucky for me he truly listened and always knew I totally meant it, and wanted to change. The difference here is that my husband is my son`t actual father). Do I believe my son is better off having stayed in the marriage? Yes, I do. But, had that violence continued, I would have left. This family needs help, and that`s exactly what I sought out for all of us when we went through this period. I believe what Penelope is trying to determine is weather they can make this all work out, because its obviously not all bad, all the time. Really, I know what I say here is not the most popular opinion around, but I have some experience and I`m telling you, there is nothing in life that is black and white and no sure path how to do right by everyone, including yourself. It takes alot of careful thought, listening to your instincts, talking it out with hopefully a therapist who can guide you with decision making and not make the decisions for you.
So what are you going to do about it? If you’re terrified of being a bad parent, then what are you going to DO instead of just writing about it?
Untangle your identity with the Farm and your goat cheese business and look at your life.
What would the first-rate version of Penelope do in this situation? How would Ideal Penelope frame the core problem if she was on the outside looking in? What kinds of actionable steps would she expect? What are the non-negotiables she would demand for her children?
The only difference between the first-rate version of Penelope and yourself is that you’ve maladapted. In unhealthy situations healthy people adapt and become unhealthy.
Write down the ideal Penelope’s expectations. Read them over and over again until your heart hears them. Then turn off your brain and your heart and execute the action. This is not complicated. It’s only complicated because (i.) your heart strings are being pulled and (ii.) because you’re overthinking everything–because it’s the last terrain where you feel safe, competent and comfortable.
There’s no reason to think anymore. Write down what the best version of Penelope would do to make it REAL, and then execute the action.
I love this comment; thank you.
Leave. There is no way to break the vicious cycle. You push and push and push until the farmer feels incapable of finding a way to react and pushes back in the one way he knows how to push back and get out of the helpless feeling of not seeing a way out. At which point you do not see a way out. And on and on and on. Every three weeks you write a blog post with the same content, the same cycle. Each time it gets a little more cruel, a little further, a little more aggressive and violent. If you go to the breaking point, you will not recover, nor will your kids, or the farmer. And there will be no warning – things will snap and then it is too late.
Leave. There is no way to break the vicious cycle. You push and push and push until the farmer feels incapable of finding a way to react and pushes back in the one way he knows how to push back and get out of the helpless feeling of not seeing a way out. At which point you do not see a way out. And on and on and on. Every three weeks you write a blog post with the same content, the same cycle. Each time it gets a little more cruel, a little further, a little more aggressive and violent. If you go to the breaking point, you will not recover, nor will your kids, or the farmer. And there will be no warning – things will snap and then it is too late.
Dearest Penelope,
I came very close to losing my life to an abusive relationship, I was hospitalized many times once with second degree burns when my ex poured an entire pot of boiling stew on me and threw me out of the house at knifepoint for screaming too loud.
In shock I made it to the corner and called my parents who came to pick me up and took me to the hospital where I was hospitalized for shock and burns.
I went back, it took me several years after that to break free of the abuse. See the abuser always seems to have convincing (to us) reasons for their behavior. I spent a lot of times in shelters as well. It took me many tries to get out finally.
After getting out I tried to figure out why I kept going back over and over again, I am a smart person, I am loving, I’m cute. Why was I so drawn to this relationship? What was so appealing about it?
One day I read about Stockholm syndrome and the description of what happens to people psychologically in abusive situations like kidnappings perfectly mirrors what happens to people in domestic violence situations. The strength of the bond between abuser and victim is difficult for people to understand. After all it’s perfectly obvious that you “should” leave, except maybe for now it’s impossible for you.
I’m here to say that it’s ok for you not to leave, and it’s not ok for the farmer to hit you for any reason. There is no excuse. Until you can make your own path to the exit, I support you and care about you for no other reason than I’ve been there and know how hard it is.
One other thing I learned later on that helped me a lot, was that it’s ok to love people that hurt you, it’s just better to love them from a far, with no contact. Contact with some people is not safe for me emotionally. I had the idea that I had to hate people who hurt me. I don’t have to hate them, I can love them, but I have to love myself too and keep myself safe. That is my job.
In any case I’ve been down this path and it’s not one I would wish on anyone. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time
Oh, please!
“I’m here to say that it’s ok for you not to leave”Did you read this part of Penelope’s article?”So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.”
If Penelope wants to stay, unless she can make sure to avoid pushing the Farmer’s buttons, she must at least send her kids to someplace else where they don’t have to witness this. Child exposure to domestic violence is NOT OK, ever.
The consequences are serious, and may include fear, distress, self-blame, guilt, anger, etc. Why would you say it’s OK to do that to a child?
“The consequences are serious, and may include fear, distress, self-blame, guilt, anger, etc. Why would you say it’s OK to do that to a child?”
Because leaving may result in the loss of her life and possibly even her kids’ life.
Just sending the kids away isn’t the answer… Leaving when it is SAFE to do so is the answer. This shit is always going to be far more complicated than we imagine it to be.
Actually, it is okay for people to shove or perhaps lightly hit each other, every once in a while under extreme circumstances. It can be a healthy part of human anger. But no, anything more than that is abuse. The farmer has so far not crossed the line (unless this mysterious “crushed foot” is something really awful) — not that you’re necessarily saying it is, I don’t know.
No it’s not ok… and it’s a sign of loss of control.
Dearest Penelope,
I came very close to losing my life to an abusive relationship, I was hospitalized many times once with second degree burns when my ex poured an entire pot of boiling stew on me and threw me out of the house at knifepoint for screaming too loud.
In shock I made it to the corner and called my parents who came to pick me up and took me to the hospital where I was hospitalized for shock and burns.
I went back, it took me several years after that to break free of the abuse. See the abuser always seems to have convincing (to us) reasons for their behavior. I spent a lot of times in shelters as well. It took me many tries to get out finally.
After getting out I tried to figure out why I kept going back over and over again, I am a smart person, I am loving, I’m cute. Why was I so drawn to this relationship? What was so appealing about it?
One day I read about Stockholm syndrome and the description of what happens to people psychologically in abusive situations like kidnappings perfectly mirrors what happens to people in domestic violence situations. The strength of the bond between abuser and victim is difficult for people to understand. After all it’s perfectly obvious that you “should” leave, except maybe for now it’s impossible for you.
I’m here to say that it’s ok for you not to leave, and it’s not ok for the farmer to hit you for any reason. There is no excuse. Until you can make your own path to the exit, I support you and care about you for no other reason than I’ve been there and know how hard it is.
One other thing I learned later on that helped me a lot, was that it’s ok to love people that hurt you, it’s just better to love them from a far, with no contact. Contact with some people is not safe for me emotionally. I had the idea that I had to hate people who hurt me. I don’t have to hate them, I can love them, but I have to love myself too and keep myself safe. That is my job.
In any case I’ve been down this path and it’s not one I would wish on anyone. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time
Get through today. Get comments. Breathe. DO something about it.
Think about your sons. You always talk about how you’ve needed someone to help you read emotional and social cues because you don’t pick them up with Aspergers. What social and emotional cues are your sons getting from the Farmer? What are they learning about how to treat women and the people they love? This is a cycle that you have the power and savvy to break…you are strong and smart and you can figure this out P. As an admirer, I want you around, I want you to tell me grad school sucks and I want you to tell me that I can advance my career, overcome barriers, be sexually harassed, and feel okay when you admit to feeling like you are being a shitty mother too. I will be here, but I want YOU to be. The Penelope that knows this has to stop this now.
Get through today. Get comments. Breathe. DO something about it.
Think about your sons. You always talk about how you’ve needed someone to help you read emotional and social cues because you don’t pick them up with Aspergers. What social and emotional cues are your sons getting from the Farmer? What are they learning about how to treat women and the people they love? This is a cycle that you have the power and savvy to break…you are strong and smart and you can figure this out P. As an admirer, I want you around, I want you to tell me grad school sucks and I want you to tell me that I can advance my career, overcome barriers, be sexually harassed, and feel okay when you admit to feeling like you are being a shitty mother too. I will be here, but I want YOU to be. The Penelope that knows this has to stop this now.
Dear,sweet Penelope,dear girl,
You are asking for help,confused,sad,disoriented as you are,and rightly so.You turn to your dad and to your readers for help.Usually a father figure represents God in our subconscious and your readers,of course,represent society and other fellow human beings in general.
You turn to God and to other people for help,asking,in a way imploring,to be heard,to be helped.Instead,your dad offers vague,lukewarm,ineffective advice- and as for your readers,we confuse you more and make you sink deeper into this with our cruel,indifferent or overly sentimental nonsense.
You need help,you get intellectual arguements or rantings or random nonsense or at best useless sympathy instead.Trully,opinions are like as#holes.Everyone has one and they all stink.
In moments of crisis like this,I pray to God:
”Dear God,I know you are somewhere.I know you wonna help.But only if I ask you to,because you’re too much into non-interventionist stuff,respecting my free will and the like.Well,here I am,officially asking for help and intervention.I just can’t do this on my own.So help.I also know that you always send help through another fellow human being,because all us human beings are manifestations of You.So please pick out the right human being/manifestation of You and send them to me for help.Please make it just one person,because it gets too confusing with more than one.Please send them in the physical,online communication sucks.Please help me trust completely that person so that I know that it is You speaking through them.Please let that one person help me/lead me back to myself,where I can find all the answers and practical solutions that I am seeking.And please God,I need practical help,not just answers and peace of mind,alright?And make it soon ’cause it’s urgent.”
Love,peace and hugs
I haven’t read all the comments, but please get out of there for the sake of your kids. If they see that sort of behavior, they’re likely to grow up to be abusers themselves. I can’t believe your ex-husband lets them stay there after he reads this (assuming he didn’t know about the situation before this). You are strong. You can handle this.
I haven’t read all the comments, but please get out of there for the sake of your kids. If they see that sort of behavior, they’re likely to grow up to be abusers themselves. I can’t believe your ex-husband lets them stay there after he reads this (assuming he didn’t know about the situation before this). You are strong. You can handle this.
I haven’t read all the comments, but please get out of there for the sake of your kids. If they see that sort of behavior, they’re likely to grow up to be abusers themselves. I can’t believe your ex-husband lets them stay there after he reads this (assuming he didn’t know about the situation before this). You are strong. You can handle this.
You have a great opportunity here.
The Farmer is your Imago. Your Dad. You’ve partnered with him to recreate one of the most influential relationships in your childhood. Perfect. Just want you wanted, on some level. Own it.
Next, take advantage of this opportunity to heal from the past. If the Farmer is committed to personal growth, partner with him to create what you’ve always wanted in the relationship with your Father.
The first step is to end the violence. Pronto. Allow him to disengage when he’s losing control. Don’t worry. He’ll return. You’re also his imago. You’re not the only one who wants to heal from their past. He needs your help, as much as you need his.
Perhaps, you could partner with an Imago Therapist to help you both.
You are brilliant, in spite of what is going on at home. Just as you tackle that pile of dishes, tackle the thing within that ties you to the cycle of drama in your life. I respect you completely because you are not afraid to reveal yourself….which is a character trait few of us possess.
Hi Penelope,
First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy reading most of your blog posts. Your in-depth research and interesting viewpoints have introduced me to all sorts of new ideas, and you discuss topics, like miscarriage and abortion, that we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about. I think a lot of your career advice is useful, and the stuff I didn’t find useful certainly didn’t harm me to read.
I am pretty worried for you and your family right now though, and I hope you’re planning to take some real action to improve your situation. You have written about your lack of interpersonal skills, and I have some idea of how hard Asperger’s Syndrome can be after volunteering for four years with an autistic teenager with AS or something similar. But you have some skills that you can use to help improve your situation too.
I’ve also gotten out of a shitty relationship with an alcoholic that made me feel lousy, anxious and occasionally scared . . . and act in ways that I’m not proud of. By using my strengths – networking and researching – I was able to get help from friends and attend two kind of counselling (one free and government funded) which helped me decide what to do next. First I made him get his own place after he wouldn’t sober up, then I slowly stopped putting up with his unreasonable behaviour and improved the way I acted until that strain broke the relationship. If he had been willing to get help and put in some effort, it might be a different story . . . but he wasn’t, and he kept crossing the line into uncool behaviour, and I couldn’t let myself stay around for that. I had to decide where to draw the line when he wasn’t treating me well, and learn how to make it stick or get out of the situation.
You’ve got great research skills, some good friends, and the ability to make money. You were helpless when you were abused as a minor, but you’ve got a lot more going for you now, a LOT more. Don’t let yourself get too overwhelmed by how crappy and low relationship fights can make you feel. Even if you’re not strong on the interpersonal relationship side, your other abilities can help you improve your situation more than you might expect. Use your business ability to organize a plan of attack. Use your research skills to look for solutions. Use your blog and other networking methods to ask questions on relevant options.
You know you’ve got a problem, and there are lots of resources to help you solve it: you just have to find them and ask for some assistance. There are studies on new methods of mental health treatment and assistance (Cognitive Based Therapy appears to be a winner, as other commenters have mentioned. There’s even do-it-yourself workbooks for it). Do you know that there are even consumer satisfaction reports on different kinds of counselling and treatment services? That’s genius, in my mind.
As you go along, things might not be easy and perhaps The Farmer might not be on board with your plan of action, but if you share some of your research with him and make a good pitch for, say, the kind of counselling that looks most promising, you might be able to agree on a course of action and start working like a team. If he won’t work with you, don’t let it stop YOU from getting some help. Improving your emotional and mental health and your communication skills will make you better off either way – in and out of the relationship, and when you parent.
Mental health and good relationship communication are two areas that we should ALL be more educated about. I hope you find some great resources and throw yourself into them like the champ researcher and focused overachiever that you are. And I bet that, if you do, your readers can look forward to some surprising and informative blog posts. Though don’t be afraid to keep some parts private from us – to quote Neil Gaiman, “the author does not work for you.” and your story is always more yours than ours.
PS – Kids in all schools get good teachers and bad teachers, just like in life we get good bosses/coworkers and bad bosses/coworkers that we’ll have to deal with. After-school enrichment can do a lot, even if it’s just some stimulating conversation over the dinner table with interested and well-read parents. And you’ll probably be more stimulating and interested if you’re not dead tired from child-rearing 24/7.
You know this post sort of pisses me off.
You could listen to Valerie, but I agree, I doubt that you will. I remind myself after reading all the posts, that you’re not my friend. Even though I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and sometimes feel close to you because of that, I am not close to you and likely the other 300 odd posters here aren’t likely close to you either. Some are full of advice. Some are just saddened.
But I’m pissed off because I really can’t do anything about this at all. If you were a buddy, and you called me then I could listen. If I had a friendship with you then I might know more of the subtleties but I don’t. If you were my friend, I could read this as an email then call you.
But I can only post a comment and that is very limiting. And this is what pisses me off. You’re telling us some serious info and it really doesn’t matter. Not like we can suggest a curriculum or a good recipe or something. You know what to do, and involving us just leaves us powerless. And I, for one, do not like that feeling.
Wow, there are a lot of comments here. Normally I like to read them all but it’s simply taking too long.
It’s people who are chronically sick who tend to make the best healers, as they devote their lives to seeking wellness. It’s the search that makes the wisdom, not the instant attainment. So your willingness to share your troubles in your typically powerful prose, and then listen to feedback, makes you not only completely qualified to advise people about how to find career success and happiness, but make me an even bigger fan of your authenticity and willingness to be a mirror for your readers. That’s the opposite of being an impostor.
I suspect that we don’t have anywhere near the full story on your relationship with the Farmer, so our reactions are colored by what we fill into the blanks, as well as what could be an incendiary presentation of events. I wonder how you would advise someone in your situation, if it weren’t you?
I find some familiarity here in your situation. When you grow up in a family who violates boundaries you have no idea how to draw them. It is difficult to recognize what is reasonable and what is not. You need to sit down and think about what is acceptable for you. I hope you have a trusted friend you can talk to that can tell you what is reasonable and what is not. I can tell you right now that pushing you is in no way reasonable. The most important thing to think about is what you are modeling for your boys. Take charge and get whatever help you need
Nichole
nichole@afterthealimony.com
Did you take your top off? That would keep me from hitting you!
I’m bummed because I think that the commenters who are saying someone is going to call CPS and you’re going to lose your children over this are probably right. And that totally sucks for them, I feel WAY more for them because they are innocent bystanders.
A thousand things are going through my mind. I’ve been reading your blog for years. I was so happy when you found the farmer. Now, like so many others here, I am alarmed. I don’t think there are any easy or simple answers. If not to save yourself, then for your children, figure this one out.
My sister lived with an abuser. He would beat her, leave death threats at her job, and she should leave every year. Then she would go back. This went on for years and then she married him. A few years later he tried to murder her. My mother needed to believe that her daughter was okay so she convinced herself that my sister’s husband was different even though there had been no “Come to Jesus moment.” One day my mom needed to go out of town and she needed someone to watch my brother who was a pre-teen at the time. I offered, but she said that my sister and her husband could do it. I argued that he was an abuser. My mom said that he’d changed. My brother stayed with them for about four days. He returned home and all seemed fine. Ten years later (YES, ten years later) he broke down and told my mom that he was there when my sister’s husband had been abusive to her. He felt like less than a man because he was too afraid to help his sister. It haunted him in ways that he could hardly articulate. Do I think you need to divorce the Farmer, not necessarily. I know that Oprah and half the world says that if a man ever hits you then you leave. But people DO change and there can be redemption. The bottom line is that you all need help. Get help or get out. If he was beating your children I’m sure you would leave. Watching him harm you may be even more damaging to them than if he was tossing them to the floor. You are very articulate. You probably win every fight with your words. He wants to win a few too. He’s not the devil. He’s the man you love. There is hope, but only if you take action. What I cherish about you is that you’re an escape artist, Penelope. No matter who you’ve ticked off or how you’ve completely ruined something, you always find your way out. So, Penelope, it’s time to saddle up. Put your coalminer’s hat on and start digging. You must, you must save your children from this and only you can do that. Let this be as bad as it ever gets. Get help or get the hell out. But settle for nothing less. And commit to yourself that you’ll always be honest with us, because we’ll hold you to your promises.
There are some people that change …. And some people that don’t.
Do you know which one you are.
Remember, you want happiness. If something in your life isn’t getting you there-then make the change. If it isn’t helping you accomplish yournpersonal goals, is it really worth your time??
Penelope, I hope you’re strong enough right now to ignore the nasties who have posted here. Certainly, THEY would never be in your situation or make any of the choices you’ve made. If someone is being honest on her blog, it’s for the traffic. Leaving multiple nasty comments on a blog isn’t emotional abuse.While I don’t know very much about your situation, I bet this has little to do with Asperger’s. I have bipolar disorder and have had symptoms of it my whole life, and my parents never abused me, never left me on a corner, never treated me like a psychopath — even when I was so upset I was hyperventilating on my bedroom floor. There are plenty of conditions that make relationships hard. It’s always the jerk’s choice to be a jerk, no matter what circumstances the jerk finds himself in.I don’t know the details and can’t say what you should do, but I think the right thing(s) will probably take a lot of courage. Is that the hardest part of life? Sometimes it seems like it is.
The farmer issue I understand, men and women might view it differently, but you need to tell him calmly that if he loves you he can’t do that even if he is frustrated, because that behavior is poisonous. You literally have to tell him that-he needs to hear that in words. I don’t think he is trying to hurt you, but he is hurting your relationship.
Your father is different. Whatever your past with him, you still choose to have a relationship with him. That’s your choice, but to mix the farmer with your father is going to mess with your head in a serious way. The farmer is not your father.
We are with you because of who you are, and worry about you like a friend, because we feel like you are.
Scot
The farmer issue I understand, men and women might view it differently, but you need to tell him calmly that if he loves you he can’t do that even if he is frustrated, because that behavior is poisonous. You literally have to tell him that-he needs to hear that in words. I don’t think he is trying to hurt you, but he is hurting your relationship.
Your father is different. Whatever your past with him, you still choose to have a relationship with him. That’s your choice, but to mix the farmer with your father is going to mess with your head in a serious way. The farmer is not your father.
We are with you because of who you are, and worry about you like a friend, because we feel like you are.
Scot
Your post made me realize for the first time the similarity of the sounds of the words “farmer” and “father.”
HMMMM…. (75% joking)
Kids love parents because they are their parents, despite all our transgressions, no matter how unhinged we are. There is no lame bit here P:) Just growth, resolve and strength.
BTW – Where is Melissa when you need her most? Did she know what was going on or did it start happening after she left?
Working with battered women. I noticed a trend. If a battered woman ever managed to get away from her abuser, she would soon manage to find (and attach herself ) to another abuser.
Just my anecdotal observation!
“If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail!” The Farmer may lack any way of handling anger and frustration except violence.
I hit my late wife once, 35 years ago. I felt really bad about it, never did it again. I eventually worked my way through passive agressiveness, indifference, ridicule, and then easy humor. When she passed away, her last words to me were “Thank You,” We were married 32 years and raised 4 children.
I am a 63YO retired soldier (Military Police) with an MA in IT and an MBA, who managed to retire an eighty grand student loan debt.
I suspect I have Aspergers, as I have always been overly sensitive to sounds and lights. I have always had the reputation of “not suffering fools gladly!”
In my life I managed to piss off many people with my acerbic comments, until I learned that some things are best kept to one’s self!
Stay or leave, what is the difference? You seem to have 3 abusers in your life, if you leave The Farmer, odds are that you will end up with number 4!
Good luck!
This post makes me so angry, and
makes me think I probably will stop reading your blog. You call this
‘the truth’ and insist that writing ‘the truth’ helps you deal with it.
This post is very far from the truth, you know it and we know it. What
happened in the run up to the farmer pushing you over Penelope? Or
shutting your foot in a door? I notice you’re surprisingly reticent on
those details, I suspect because they wouldn’t reflect on you so well
and you’re enjoying the self pity. I don’t think you want
genuine grown up solutions at all.
I am not by any stretch suggesting the farmer was right to do those
things, but if you’re going to expose his actions publicly in so brutal
a way, you should also expose your own – and you never do. This isn’t
honesty, and it is abusive.
The only genuine victims in this
entire situation are those poor wee boys – and now they don’t even have
school to escape to. And in years to come when they are adults
themselves, they’ll be able to relive this horror by reading all about
it on the internet, as will their friends. I’m truly disgusted – you’re
abusing him, he’s abusing you, and you’re both abusing them.
So, I’ve read the post several times, and most of the comments, and what stands out to me is this: “I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.”
Obviously the plan your dad came up with was not what you were hoping for. So my question is this: in an ideal world, what would a good dad have done to rescue you? Once you know that, can you do that yourself? Do you know someone (or a group of people) who would do that for you?
I emailed you a few nights ago and asked you about my personal life with my husband who repeatedly has tried to kick me out of our home even though I am from another country and at one point was completely undocumented. Surprisingly, you answered and your advice to me was this :
“Move out. Its absolutely ridiculous that youre staying with him. He owns everything and he doesnt love you. You have no choice but to start over. Get a bad apartment and a bad commute– youll be happier.”
Your advice stunned me. Partly because its exactly what i know i should do and because I have been reading your ups and downs with the farmer and i think this is the complete opposite of what you do when the farmer pushes you away… my point is, I appreciated your frank advice, and it is ALWAYS harder to do the thing you know you should do in a messy situation and much easier to commentate from the sidelines.
Ignore the mean comments, you ALREADY know what you SHOULD do. Whether you do it or not is on your own volition and we both know that ppl’s comments here will not make a difference for what you already know you are going to do- only you guys are privy to the nuances of your relationship. But it is still important for you to HEAR and SEE the responses regarding your relationship and what it looks like from the outside.
We are often misguided by our fears, insecurities and general lack of perspective from being surrounded by our own BS— You have Asbergers, but you are a grown-up, unlike ur kids.YOU put your life on a blog, now absorb what it really looks like to everyone that is observing it and do the thing you know you need to do for yourself, the farmer and the kids.
Good luck to you and your beautiful boys…
Hi P,
The farmer is emotionally abused by his family. Keep this in mind. He is not the voice of reason or authority. Only you know whether this is two abused people fighting during the adjustment period of establishing a home and family or if The Farmer has become a menacing abuser. Don’t run away if you guys can discuss things and he acknowledges and understands what is happening. You will end up in another situation like this. It is terrible about what you kids are going through but if you and The Farmer can deescalate and continue to work on your issue and improve, you will teach them a valuable lesson for their lives. All is not lost.
I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now but this is my first comment.
Having read the above, I am left with an impression you want US to decide for you when you already know what to do – leave the man! What do you have in common? Sex, I think. Despite what you say, he is not good for you or your kids. Just leave.
By the way, I am male and I think I can see he had his fill of you sexually. You are intellectually far superior to him and he can’t deal with it. But you also “abuse” him by writing about your issues this way. The male ego is very, very frail … Get out before they come to carry you out – feet first!
I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now but this is my first comment.
Having read the above, I am left with an impression you want US to decide for you when you already know what to do – leave the man! What do you have in common? Sex, I think. Despite what you say, he is not good for you or your kids. Just leave.
By the way, I am male and I think I can see he had his fill of you sexually. You are intellectually far superior to him and he can’t deal with it. But you also “abuse” him by writing about your issues this way. The male ego is very, very frail … Get out before they come to carry you out – feet first!
It’s tough to read this sad post. I want to help in some way, but I don’t know how. I know both of you struggle to make the relationship work. It’s hard enough caring for ourselves and our own happiness, let alone a partner and kids. Sometimes I feel so awful that I turn up the music and dance with my family. This emotional release reminds me that movement is vital to connecting.
I’m not sure what all that means or if it even helps, but I do feel for your situation. I hope that you can work out a compromise that makes everyone happy.
One suggestion I do have is let the farmer say Jesus in his prayer. You can’t control how he feels about his connection with God, but you can let him release these emotions as he sees fit.
Wow, this is very moving stuff. I have been a reader of your blog for some time, and I really hope everything works out well for you. Stay strong!
While physical abuse is NEVER ok, our lives are not black and white. And against conventional wisdom, I believe there are areas of grey when it comes to abuse. This situation is scary and the farmer has betryed Penelope. He has crossed the line. But I want to ask, is it a regular occurance? Has the farmer been physically abusing you since the beginning of the relationship? If he thinks the abuse is deserved, then he is sick, regardless of what has led up to it. But is there a chance he can get better?
This is a question that must be explored in safety. Does the marriage need to be written off? Who knows. No commenter here has the perspective to determine this. But does Penelope need to be protected? Yes. Do both Penelope and the Farmer need to get outside help? Yes. Regardless of what happens to the marriage. Do they love each other? I’m sure they do, very much.
Penelope, make no decisions now, remain in communication with the Farmer (if he is willing), but get yourself and your sons to a safe place. Accidents can happen and you don’t want your life in danger.
One more thing…you are a writer and this blog forum presents you with your own family of sorts.
If you had to give up your blog to save your marriage, would you?
God is with you. Cry out to God.
Penelope, I love your blog. I’m 21 and I relate to so much of what you write, even this. I’ve been in relationships where it escalated to hitting and abuse. He hit me, and said I deserved it, and I believed him.
I think it’s BS when someone says they have to hit you, that you deserve being hit, for any reason. The only time you should ever hit someone is to stop them from physically hurting someone else. It doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re mean to him, he does not have the right to hit you.
I am so sad that your son had to witness the Farmer abusing you. That’s going to scar him so much, it will give him the same issues about relationships that you admit to having. He’s going to think, even if just subconsciously, that it’s ok to hit people so they feel on the outside what you feel on the inside. Seeing his parental figures acting that way will turn your son into a mini-version of the Farmer.
I don’t know if anyone can heal a relationship that has turned so sour. But my advice to you – as someone who was recently a kid watching domestic abuse unfold – is to GET. OUT. At least for now.
Don’t force your children to watch it. I have nightmares literally every night, often of the abuse I saw my mom take. When I was a kid, I would pray that my parents would divorce so they wouldn’t fight any more. I bet your son has that prayer, too. That’s no way for a kid to live.
Meanwhile, in Twitter…
penelopetrunk Penelope Trunk @horatiolikestoy I’m contacting you for my 9 yr old son. He wants v trainer electronic battle arena. Can you tell me how to get one?12 hours ago
Where do you think this is leading?
What do you think is at the end of this path?
And where do you think it can possibly go?
These are not theoretical questions. You still have choices. Where do you think this is all going to end up– and how do you think that staying along that path is going to prevent it from getting there?
This is like a highway– a dark speeding highway tossing and turning late and night wrenched behind the wheel like a no holds barred down freight way speed train. Tossing and turning just past the miles and miles and the slabs and the stone and the concrete turned past the exit tilted towards tilt path till there is no more exit and there is no more highway and there is no more road block and then it’s all over and it’s all gone just toward past the concrete.
If you keep going on this past at some point its going to become to late to get off.
You still have exits– an exit– but at the stakes keep rising and the fights keep getting worse its going to become harder and harder till your going to either run out of time or reach past some point of no return.
People snap. It’s awewfull and it’s horrible but its the God’s truth and it shouldn’t happen but sometimes it does anyway. It only takes one second for these kind of things to escalate but when it (and they do) escalate it– they happens and it only takes one second and it happens fast.
Leaving might be hard now– but right now you still have a choice to leave. It is much harder to leave with a broken leg or foot. Much harder to call for help with a cracked rib. Much harder to speak with a broken jaw.
Leave. Pick up and run like hell while you still can. The relationship issues, the grayscale, the whitewash, the back talk, the he said/she said endlessly ruminating ruminated scale circle surface circus of it as well as any Asperger’s issues are not reasons to allow this sort of behavior.
The bloggers who use Asperger’s as an excuse for the Farmer behavior should be ashamed.
I love this site! It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Well, there comes a time when someone has followed you around the house pushing every button, throwing every mean thing into your face, then you go outside to get away from it and she follows you out there demanding you listen to her vile spewage and you get on your tractor to try to keep the situation from escalating and she runs out in the field in front of you and when you try to ignore her and keep on plowing she throws herself on the front of the tractor….
I’m not a man but at this point I jump off the tractor and pummell the shit out of her and let her know on no uncertain terms if you don’t get out of my face I will bloody your nose.
There are some people who will only back off when it starts to hurt. I don’t have those around me but if I ever got caught out where there was someone who wouldn’t back off of my personal space, I pick up a 2×4 and start swinging out a boundry. And I take full responsibility for this behavior because with some people its the only thing that works. And it works really good.
You put it in a way that makes me feel sorry for the Farmer. Though I still don’t think it justifies hitting a woman in front of her kids, and I am a guy.
I don’t like hitting anyone in front of anyones kids but I also don’t like being abused. If the perpetrator won’t get out of my face, I will get them out of my face. Violence is not my first resort, it is the last but if thats what it takes, it takes what it takes.