This is me battling impostor syndrome
This is the big test. Right here. This is the test to see if you will stick with me even when you know everything. There is lameness about me. Not the lameness commenters point out. Not like, I don’t know anything about graduate school. Or I’m not fair to David Dellifield. No. It’s more fundamental than that.
I want you to recall that when I was growing up, the police came to our house pretty frequently. (And, in fact, to our hotel rooms. And you might be interested to know that when rich people trash a hotel room they do not get thrown out of the hotel. But rather, the kids get their own hotel room.) Every time, my dad would tell them that I was fine, that it was only a spanking, that I was exaggerating. He would tell them I have a behavioral problem.
He wasn’t covering anything up as much as expressing how my parents were actually convinced that I was a psychopath. I was the one who went to a psychiatrist my whole childhood. They even had me tested at Northwestern’s neurology lab. But at the same time, my parents were doing things like getting angry enough to leave me as in Arlington Heights, alone on a street corner, while they drove back to Wilmette. (Google Map that: Not good parenting. Probably illegal today.)
Okay. So fast forward to my marriage now, to the Farmer. The odds are that I would be with a man who treats me like my dad did, right? So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.
The Farmer would tell you why it’s my fault, and how I deserve it, and that I made him do it. If there were a neurology lab in rural Wisconsin he’d probably send me there because he has told me numerous times, most recently right after he apologized for pushing me, again, that I am emotionally abusive to him.
Two nights ago, I got really scared. He had already pushed me and shoved me and grabbed me and crushed my foot in a door. He would say that I deserved it. That I say crazy things to him. That I never leave him alone. That I am an awful person to live with. For the record.
He had me in a corner, and I was crying and I was scared, and he was telling me how I am a terrible mom, he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me. So I dialed a number that I thought was a friend, but it was my stepmom, the woman married to my dad
She is totally cool. My dad has very good taste and I really like this stepmom. And she was great to talk to. I can’t complain about one thing she said.
She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love parents. So that’s my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I’d never believe it.
And of course, she said I need to leave.
I was silent.
Then she suggests sending my dad to come see me. For support. I say okay. Because I can’t say no to support. And, you know what? I can’t say no to my dad. I just want to be loved. He tries really hard. I forgive every transgression, even as his transgressions are huge. Just go read that post. I can’t even bear to write about them again. I can’t because I want to have a dad who loves me in a real way.
I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.
So my dad drives two hours to see me. He gets here for dinner. I told him not to come any earlier because it’s Sunday, the day my Ex comes to hang out at the house with my sons, and it’s the only day all week that I don’t have kids, so I have to work that day.
Our dinner features my act of childish passive-aggressiveness: I make sure there is no meat in the meal because the Farmer really wants meat in the meal every time.
Maybe that is what he means when he tells me I’m emotionally abusive.
I am alone in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I tell myself not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself it gets me nowhere. I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.
My dad comes up to me in the kitchen. I am startled.
I tell him I really appreciate that he came, that it makes me feel less alone.
He tells me he wants to help. He tells me he researched women’s shelters in my area.
“Dad. Women’s shelter? Did you say women’s shelter?”
“Yes. I was thinking you could go to one.”
“I can’t go to a women’s shelter, Dad. It’s rural America. A women’s shelter, here?”
I am speechless. I am trying to figure out something to say to him about why I cannot show up to one of those, kids in tow.
“Dad. I’m famous. I’ve signed autographs in grocery stores.”
He said, “Oh. You are?”
I decide we are done. I fluff the bean salad and tell myself he is trying to be helpful.
The Farmer says grace. He needs to thank God before every meal. He wanted to say Jesus also, but we compromised with just God. So he says that. And as he thanks God for this meal, I put my head down and wonder if not allowing him to thank Jesus is emotionally abusive.
The kids eat and run.
And there I am, alone. With the three men in my life.
My dad talks about his stamp collection. There was an auction in Iowa. He was thinking of going, but all the stamps he wanted were too expensive.
The Ex says he had a stamp collection, too. His parents just sent it to him. They are cleaning out their closets.
The Farmer says he had a stamp collection too.
We talk about plate blocks, post card values, and pros and cons of hinges. The hinges are difficult. You never know if it’s better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
I’m going through a bad patch too, and I guess what I love about your blog is reading about the surprising and creative solutions you come up with to deal with your problems, while acknowledging the pain and discomfort at the same time. I want to shut out the whole world and take privacy above friendship right now, you keep on baring your soul.
I love the way your mind works, and how motivated and committed you are as a mother, a wife a writer and a woman.
Penelope – we can't choose who our parents are, and we can't choose who our kids are, but we do choose our partners. We
also choose who to keep in our lives. There was only one man at the
dinner table that you have to maintain a relationship with, and that's
the father of your children. Abuse and violence are not okay and, at
this point, it doesn't matter who is to blame. Are you paralysed from
making a decision because you're trying to figure out who is wrong and
who is right? It honestly doesn't matter. What matters is
that somebody changes this situation. Save the analysis for when you're
at a safe distance. You'll never see the picture clearly when it's
jammed up in your face.
Urgh, apologies for the formatting woes.
Penelope
I am sorry your life feels so hard and that you struggle with feeling worthless. I don’t think it’s at all surprising given your childhood.
As a long-time reader and someone who would like things to work out for you, here are some of my thoughts/questions for you to read/ignore/consider:
– it does seem that there is an element of needing ‘drama’ in your life. Do you think this is part of what’s happening?
– you seem to be struggling with the idea of whether these happenings are your ‘fault’, or his ‘fault’. I suggest that focusing on whose ‘fault’ it is, is not going to move you forward in a healing way
– do you really think homeschooling is the best option for your kids – or for you – right now? Perhaps you could send them back to school and reconsider homeschooling next year, or the year after…
– how does the farmer make you ‘feel’? Does he make you feel happy, secure, loved and valued?
– you spoke to your stepmom, and she was really cool. You can’t complain about a thing she said. Well I can. She said your dad should come over for support. Do you think this was really the best advice? Do you think your dad can provide the support you need? Do you think maybe your stepmom in living in fantasy denial-land about what type of person your dad is?
– might your life be simpler, and happier, without a man in it for a while?
– do you really feel comfortable having your boys in that highly charged environment? Or do you feel they are sheltered from it somehow?
A theme running through your posts is that secrets bring nothing good with them – which has really resonated with my own life. I agree, secrets breed nasty things.
I would like you to be happy.
Good luck.
Oh Penelope, I am really hating this new commenting system.
It really sucks because it seems if you get in first that is how your comment gets rated and then stays at the top so more people rate it and therefore the other comments probably don’t even get read.
Im really annoyed because that dumb comment by sydnew is up the top just because he got in first.
Not letting the farmer thank Jesus is NOT a form of emotional abuse. What utter crap. Seriously. What world are we living in here?
You have been “gaslighted” by your parents and the farmer. Its a form of control. Please read the article written by a man about it. http://bit.ly/rm0ess
I repeat. You are not crazy.
Your description of events does not indicate that self defense motivated your husband’s resort to violence; therefore, it does not seem smart to tolerate his behavior by returning to his parents’ farm.
Incidentally, this is the second husband who has accused you emotional abuse. In this post and others, you acknowledge that some of your behavior is inappropriate. I would not be surprised if the altercations were largely your fault. Still, none of that justifies the second husband’s violence.
Regardless of who is to blame, the chance for a healthy long-term relationship in the wake of the interactions you describe is slim to none.
Your description of events does not indicate that self defense motivated your husband’s resort to violence; therefore, it does not seem smart to tolerate his behavior by returning to his parents’ farm.
Incidentally, this is the second husband who has accused you emotional abuse. In this post and others, you acknowledge that some of your behavior is inappropriate. I would not be surprised if the altercations were largely your fault. Still, none of that justifies the second husband’s violence.
Regardless of who is to blame, the chance for a healthy long-term relationship in the wake of the interactions you describe is slim to none.
Cognitive behavior counseling for both of you pronto. If that counselor doesn’t work after 3 sessions, get new one.
You two adults need to skill up.
You both are going to have bigger problems than each other one day and you are going to need to be able to handle and model for your kids how to handle.
This is not rocket science – so many people have gone through this
already and you can benefit from all that counselors know already. The solutions are available and doable.
The solution will come faster if you get couples counseling. Or you can take years of pain to try to figure it out yourself.
Hey Penelope,
I’m not neurotypical either (I have PTSD and although I kind of disagree with the way the label works, DID). I’ve been married for 17 years. I (we) have at times been infuriating. Absolutely infuriating. My husband has never shoved or hit me or slammed the door on my foot. He’s also never made *me* the problem. He has talked about problems I have, or problems that I have created. He doesn’t let me off the hook.
But his respect for me as a person remains intact (and mine for him).
I can believe that there are really difficult things in your personality and in your relationship that could anger the Farmer, and vice versa. But he chooses to be in the relationship and so do you. Is there a core respect there or not? I have no idea, but I would start there. If so, then get help, yeah. If not, leave. It doesn’t matter if you’re famous. Famous people leave all the time.
Regardless of anything, I do think you need help. I don’t know what prompted the Farmer to talk about your parenting, but it all sounds really worrisome. I would start with parenting help, and maybe reconsider the homeschooling. It’s a lot to take on right now. A year will not make the critical difference in your kids’ education if you go back to it – but it could make the critical difference about your next steps.
A while ago I said in a comment that when you have that feeling that you Have To Discuss something Right Now, it’s not real relationship stuff talking, it’s drama. Getting shoved around at all, and especially in front of your child is the opposite. It’s really a problem.
Upset. Unsettled. Anxious. Sad -Those are some of my feelings after reading this. Especially the ending, it was particularly haunting. If I feel like that how must you feel?
My childhood was rough, not nearly as rough as yours but I too had abusive relationships and I played my part. Alternative energy therapies helped me, perhaps they could help you: Family constellation work. EFT, TAT, TFT. If you’re interested in recommendations for good people I can give you some. Some of the work can be done via phone, Skype. Others you’d have to take a trip. Perhaps there are good ppl doing the work where you take your son for music lessons.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. My sons were the motivation for me to get help.
Upset. Unsettled. Anxious. Sad -Those are some of my feelings after reading this. Especially the ending, it was particularly haunting. If I feel like that how must you feel?
My childhood was rough, not nearly as rough as yours but I too had abusive relationships and I played my part. Alternative energy therapies helped me, perhaps they could help you: Family constellation work. EFT, TAT, TFT. If you’re interested in recommendations for good people I can give you some. Some of the work can be done via phone, Skype. Others you’d have to take a trip. Perhaps there are good ppl doing the work where you take your son for music lessons.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. My sons were the motivation for me to get help.
I’m sorry your life is in this place right now. I wish things were better and if there’s anything I can do to make things better, please say so.
It’s hard to change what we believe about ourselves, and I know that for my, my beliefs about myself, right or wrong, control most of my actions.
I’m not sure what to say, but I wish the best for you and your boys.
I am hoping and praying that you will get out of there. You’re an adult, and regardless of how far out in the country you are, you get to choose. Your kids don’t, and there’s not a chance in hell that this isn’t having a significant negative impact on them. They deserve a safe home, and even though they haven’t been on the receiving end of the physical abuse, this is NOT a safe home for them.
I’m sure your husband is struggling with his own demons, as well as whatever he perceives as emotional abuse. But there’s never an excuse to assault another person. I’ve said (and done) some crazy sh*t in my time, but not one of the men in my life have resorted to putting his hands on me. It only takes one time for it to go too far and end in something tragic.
Praying for safety and security for all of you.
Wow. I read
Life sure is messy, the amazing thing is that we persist, that things like this happen, and then we talk about stamps.
But learning from these situations, for all of us, is the real power of life, and I’m constantly impressed by what you share and what I learn from you Penelope.
Penelope
– for yourself, you need to leave him.
For your kids, you need to leave him.
For your career, even, you need to leave him. Once you get to the learned helplessness
stage, you can only do listless, stymied, uncreative work.
Penelope,
you are braver and bolder than most women.
Writing something like this is not what most women do when faced with
domestic violence. And in reading some
of your readers' comments it is not difficult to understand one of the reasons
women are unwilling or afraid to speak out or to seek help when they are being
abused by the men they love.
I am
ashamed to see what some people have been saying to you. The best excuse I can come up with in their
defense is that for every little bit that they can blame you and dismiss this
issue, they get to feel a little safer.
Bad things only happen to bad people, right? I try to think of them more charitably,
understanding that they are protecting themselves psychologically, and that through
what they are saying they get to feel a little safer, but it's just too selfish
and the consequences are too far-reaching.
We are all to blame
for their attitudes, because we have created and perpetuated a society where
there is a higher than zero-tolerance policy for things like domestic violence. As a society, our responses to abused women
are usually horrible. We ignore it. It's not our problem. She's crazy; she's impossible to live with. We suspect her of lying, or exaggerating. And some
of us, maybe most harmfully of all, tell her to try being nicer to him, that
she just needs to be better and then he'll stop hurting her. No one should ever be encouraged to feel
responsible for being abused by someone they love.
We have created a
society where often even women look at an abusive situation and sympathize with
the abuser. We are nurturing a society where
women are afraid or embarrassed to tell their friends and family if they are
being abused, where the financial and social costs of escape are too high,
where the danger is too real and the help always, always too meager. We don't take this seriously. We ignore it, and we ignore them, and we
don't educate ourselves, and we don't educate our children.
It's sad to hear
you wondering about letting him say Jesus, or whether the dinners you cook
might be part of the problem. I hear women
wondering these sorts of things so often.
In a society where everyone feels more comfortable when we can suspect
the victim of having deserved it, even the women who's getting pushed to the
floor finds herself searching for excuses for the man who crossed a line for
which there are absolutely no excuses.
We need to be treating
domestic violence like a serious problem, one that destroys families, results
in injuries, deaths, and lasting psychological damage. It's a problem that is clearly
self-perpetuating as so many abusers grew up witnessing or suffering
abuse. What we as individuals can do is
be horrified. Act horrified. Be unambiguous in our assignments of
blame. Violence is not an understandable
response to a difficult spouse. Violence
stands alone, and nothing justifies it.
However difficult or annoying or unreasonable either partner might be has
nothing at all to do with violence. Violence
is separate and inexcusable, so let's all stop making excuses.
What we need to do
instead is to spread the attitude that violence – and especially domestic
violence – is horrifying. And if a
friend (or a blogger) ever confides in us that she is being abused, we must
never let her walk away believing she is in any way responsible for the
violence or able to prevent it through changing herself (and therefore feel
obligated to stay in the relationship and keep trying).
We live in a
society that is as fast or faster to condemn victims as it is to condemn
abusers. How could we have let it get
this way? What are we going to do to
change it?
There will always
be bad, violent people. We can't fix
that. But we can fix our attitudes, and
the way our attitudes are increasing and prolonging the damage done by domestic
violence. Violence is not something we
can do away with. But our willingness to
tolerate it is.
I don’t think any commenter disagrees with what you say.
Dear Penelope,
I only recently discovered your blog, and I instantly fell in love with it. And with you. Not in a romantic way, I should clarify, but simply as a fellow human being. Obviously, I have not read all of your posts; I do not know everything about your life story (and even if I had this doesn’t mean I would know everything, of course). But I have buried my lead: I think you are a marvel! You are so amazingly talented in ways that so few people are, yet you also face so many challenges in areas most people take for granted…and you have the courage to tell the truth about ALL of it, from your savant-like success spotting trends and dispensing sage advice to your tearful trips around the corner because of the right/left thing. My experience with Asperger’s is limited to a former neighbor, but my sense is that when one has Asperger’s one can process matters of the mind much more easily than matters of the heart (in fact, I would wager that you probably even dislike the phrase “matters of the heart”)? I did not write to give you advice, as I am not qualified, you did not ask for it, and it is none of my business. I hope you will not be offended, however, if I suggest taking the intellectual approach and seeking to answer the following two questions to your own satisfaction: 1.) If a grown man in a free country feels emotionally abused by his wife (whether or not his wife is verbally abusive is not relevant for the intellectual consideration of this question, simply that the man feels his wife is verbally abusive) is it acceptable or even effective recourse to respond by physically abusing her? 2.) The Farmer said your son would grow up to hit you. Why? What prompts little boys to grow up and hit their mothers? (And just as an aside, this statement sounds like verbal abuse to me). As I said, my intent was not to dole out unsolicited advice. Really I just wanted to tell you that you are worthy of love, and to send you love and support however you decide to handle this challenge! I do hope you will keep writing and share with the many readers who care about you how you are doing. Be well, Penelope.
Would you ever consider watching and listening to a NON-religious YouTube video of a song of hope accompanying a slide show of kitchen sinks?
It is the introduction to the FlyLady system (Finally Loving Yourself) and it starts with the sink and ends up changing people’s lives. She has almost one million followers.
I emailed you last week. This time I will include the link.
http://flylady.net/pages/jumpcut_video1.asp
The pattern you have followed is to get feedback through your blog, right? Always through the writing on the screen.
If you watch the slide show and listen to the music and then subscribe to her podcasts (aural) and watch her other videos (moving pictures), then maybe something will change. Because you are getting information in a new method.
that first sentence encapsulates the beauty of the internet.
Why don’t you let him thank Jesus? That seems weird to me.
Because she doesn’t believe in jesus. P is Jewish.
So Penelope is right and the farmer is wrong? Why can’t he have his beliefs and she hers. Afterall, noone knows for sure which religion got it right or if they’re all wrong.
But it’s not about religion. It’s about respect for your partners individuality, likes, dislikes and beliefs. Completely lacking in this relationship which is why it’s doomed unless things change soon.
It’s a family prayer. We say a prayer together before each meal. The Farmer can pray alone and say whatever he wants. Of course. But when it’s a family prayer, since the kids and I are Jewish, we do not talk about Jesus.
This, by the way, is one of those things that gives me hope. That the Farmer and I have largely shared values — that prayer is important, that family is more important than religion, that respecting each others’ religion is important. This stuff seems big, and shared.
Penelope
Why did your subconscious dial your father’s number when you were scared, distressed and upset? Your abusive childhood has left you in an emotionally needy state, and your subconscious will continue to reconstruct your childhood dramas in it’s attempt to “make it come out right this time”. The emotionally under-developed and needy child inside is still trying to get the love and affection, stability and security that she needs and deserves. The problem is that anyone that you can manipulate and coerce into recreating your childhood scenarios will have issues of their own and be in no position to meet your needs and make the ending come out differently. Intellectually you are so smart, but your subconscious is even smarter and sneakier with it! You will keep picking partners with emotionally complementary dysfunctions to your own (aren’t the Farmer’s parental/family dynamics verbally and emotionally abusive, distant, withdrawing, manipulative, and passive-aggressive?) until you become healthy and able to meet your own emotional needs, or in other words, until you learn to re-parent yourself. You know the power of re-framing and telling a new story with a different outcome, you write about and do it all the time. Re-parenting is a similar concept. You hate secrets, so don’t let your subconscious carry secrets of your emotional neediness any longer when it keeps sabotaging all your adult relationships. Your post is amazing really. You feel like an imposter and you just want to be loved, but you’re afraid that your readers (your external validators?) will leave you. And it took “engineering” this violent incident with the Farmer to force all this stuff out. Obviously you managed to trigger and recreate the childhood feelings of worthlessness and insecurity and fear of emotional abandonment so successfully that you immediately turned to your primary and original abuser, who (yet again) failed to meet your needs as you perceived them. Are you really surprised? But you can’t force the Farmer to meet those needs either. That is your job. And he’s as needy in his own way as you are. So learn to meet your own needs, by becoming the good parent to yourself that you need and deserve. Only when you know what your needs are and how to meet them for yourself in healthy ways can you come into a relationship whole and healthy and able to break the cycle and dysfunctions of abuse. Perhaps it is a journey you and the Farmer can make together, perhaps not. If you can’t recognize, look after and get the appropriate professional care for yourself as an extremely intelligent adult, how can you expect to parent your boys appropriately and show them the right way to parent. Because your life and example will become a lie of do as I say, not as I do. You owe it to your sons to seek your own emotional wellness. If the Farmer can’t take the journey with you and seek his own wellness, then he is probably not the step-father that your boys deserve and need. Screw the top-class music lessons, that’s intellectual snobbery to make you feel good about yourself as a parent because you feel inadequate emotionally, and concentrate on your own emotional health instead. It will pay much higher dividends for you, your sons, and your future relationships. It won’t be an emotionally “happy” experience for you, but it sure as hell will be interesting…right up your street in fact.
Shit, girl. You go deep.
Shit, girl. You go deep.
P, what is your personal truth at this point? What are the things that you know for sure?
I read the blog. have for a few months now. maybe close to a year. But I read it via my google reader. so i don’t see the comments.
the majority of these comments makes me sick.
i’m a 29 yr woman who is bipolar.
i’ve been both emotionally abusive to past partners and physically abused by a past partner.
it’s never a good idea to stay. but i stayed with that guy for a good 2 years after he threw me down a long flight of stairs. but we lived in different states. it took another year or so to stop talking to him for good.
at my brother’s wedding, a guest was being beaten up by her husband for “having too much fun” while he was stuck putting the kids to bed. She went back to him too. I just hope she’s still alive.
it comes down to self esteem.
you *are* a good mother. you worry about your kids more than some i’ve seen in real life. you’re concerned about their life experiences. To paraphrase beowulf “you are a good mother.”
but, you won’t believe that just yet. it takes years to leave sometimes. and then you might not emotionally/mentally leave for a while after that. it’s a long process.
i learned that even though i am bipolar and “act crazy,” that does not mean i’m not worthy of someone who can forgive me if i’m not stable all the time. being bipolar doesn’t mean i’m not worthy of being loved by someone. being bipolar does not mean i am not worthy of being in a safe place.
same with any other disorder.
you deserve happiness (everyone does)
you deserve to be happy with yourself (everyone does but this is the oh so very hard part)
goodluck.
There’s a little too much “me me me” there. You forgot the part about how P. has to (and you have to) learn to stop being emotionally abusive, since that’s just as bad as pushing someone. So, I agree with everything you say, but want to point out that it goes equally in the other direction.
If it doesn’t, then, um, no — one is _not_ really “worthy” of the love, devotion, etc., of an emotionally healthy person. One wouldn’t be able to be in a long-standing relationship with such a person; one would wreck it, sooner or later.
*nods*
Healing one’s self is part of the process… but (and i should have stated this in my original comment) having self esteem helps with the self healing and stops the emotional abuse. We push because we think we don’t deserve it. or we just don’t know any better. it’s hard. i’m still working on it every day of my life and i found some one who is kind and loving to me without aggression.
thank you for point out my neglect.
*nods*
Healing one’s self is part of the process… but (and i should have stated this in my original comment) having self esteem helps with the self healing and stops the emotional abuse. We push because we think we don’t deserve it. or we just don’t know any better. it’s hard. i’m still working on it every day of my life and i found some one who is kind and loving to me without aggression.
thank you for point out my neglect.
I read this then some of the comments and thought, you set up a camera or had someone capture the perfect illustration? Why?
Look, P
Look,
Penelope, I’m a great fan of your writing, and I hesitated to post
here because I simply can’t write anything that is remotely supportive or
understanding at this point.
You said on Twitter, “Research
shows that good-looking kids get treated better by
adults http://bit.ly/bzHWM5 so
I buy my boys expensive clothes at Bloomingdales.”, and I read here on your blog that you drive hours to take one of your kids to violine lessons.
I truly want to believe that you don’t even remotely think those things can replace living in a stable, loving household where physical or psychological violence has no place. I don’t think either you or The Farmer want this for your kids, so my question is, what are you going to do to stop this destructive cycle once and for all?
If I have to read one more post in which you describe your children being exposed to this sort of abuse (even if they are not receiving it directly) I’ll have to sadly remove your blog from my reading list. I suppose I can continue to read you in other venues where you will not be talking about this sort of very disturbing family situations.
Best of luck to you, from a faithful reader.
I’d never presume to tell you how to run your life. I will say this is a very brave post (as per your usual style) and your professional accomplishments are all the more impressive given all the turmoil and sadness in your personal life.
Personal life. That term suddenly feels dated, doesn’t it?
I’d never presume to tell you how to run your life. I will say this is a very brave post (as per your usual style) and your professional accomplishments are all the more impressive given all the turmoil and sadness in your personal life.
Personal life. That term suddenly feels dated, doesn’t it?
I’d never presume to tell you how to run your life. I will say this is a very brave post (as per your usual style) and your professional accomplishments are all the more impressive given all the turmoil and sadness in your personal life.
Personal life. That term suddenly feels dated, doesn’t it?
Been reading you for years. Never commented. Love your voice. You have made me look at things in different ways though I don’t always agree (hell, usually disagree!) with you.
This post…sigh………damn, Penelope….my heart hurts for you…..
STICKING WITH YOU. Stop pretending. Do it for those boys of yours. Your real tribe will march along with you. Sending you much love and compassion.
I’ve followed along for awhile now as the drama and abuse you two inflict on each other has
escalated. If you were my friend in real life I would tell you:
It’s time to leave. If you don’t leave he should force you out before one of you ends up dead.
An otherwise ordinary calm man has reached the point where he feels his only choice
is to hurt you.
It’s enough. You are used to equating love with abuse even though you know intellectually it is anything but love.
You invited your abuser to your home to somehow help you??? You complimented his taste in women. He must have good taste in women if he chose to rape you as a child? His wife
must be cool if she chose to marry a child abuser right?
Take some time off from men and marriage to finally resolve ALL of your demons.
Hire a nanny, go to work, (the place you always feel successful) put your kids in good schools and one that specializes in Asperger Syndrome so you will have one less thing to obsess over. Get back to what you do best.
Stop trying to be the perfect mom. There is a reason the majority
of parents will NEVER home school. We would lose our freaking minds! With or without
Asperger’s and all of the other baggage you have to cope with.
You have cut yourself off from everything to try and create the perfect childhood for your kids and it has become hell for all of you.
Most of all, learn to accept failure, you can’t be perfect at everything and continuing to try is the surest path right back to the mental ward.
`
Wow! Lisa said everything I would have.
There is no excuse for the Farmer’s physical abuse. None. You may be everything he accuses you of being. I’m pretty sure you are emotionally abusive. But you know what? He has choices. Just as you do. Pushing, shoving, and acting out physically are bad choices. And saying it’s your fault is a failure to own his choices.
I think you both need a break from each other. And you both need counseling to explore your demons. Maybe you can be together someday with a lot of work. But not now. And then , as others have pointed out, you have two children. They need better role models than both of you. So, please get help for theirl sake and your own.
“An otherwise ordinary calm man has reached the point where he feels his only choiceis to hurt you.”
Blaming Penelope for the Farmer’s inability to control his rage, temper, & abuse is not constructive. He is responsible for his behavior. Regardless of the patterns & habits they have created in their relationship – the only person to blame for the Farmer’s physical abuse is the Farmer. No one deserves to be hit, hurt, or intimidated, period.
I would NEVER blame her. I am simply saying he has no history of domestic violence if this is what it has come to, they need to separate. If he can no longer deal with their problems without becoming physical one of them needs to put distance between them.
There is a huge difference between someone who has a history of beating women and a couple who are spiraling out of control. She has admitted many times that she will hound him endlessly to talk it out. That sort of behavior in such a volatile situation can lead to tragedy. EVERYONE has a breaking point. I think space would help everyone in this situation. And blaming him for reaching the end of his rope or accusing her of being emotionally abusive isn’t much help. It’s not about casting blame it’s about
taking responsibility for your life and making a change.
You’ve obviously never been in a relationship with a Penelope.
“An otherwise ordinary calm man has reached the point where he feels his only choiceis to hurt you.”
Blaming Penelope for the Farmer’s inability to control his rage, temper, & abuse is not constructive. He is responsible for his behavior. Regardless of the patterns & habits they have created in their relationship – the only person to blame for the Farmer’s physical abuse is the Farmer. No one deserves to be hit, hurt, or intimidated, period.
Get out. You deserve better than this. Take the kids and run. Now.
Get out. You deserve better than this. Take the kids and run. Now.
Get out. You deserve better than this. Take the kids and run. Now.
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html
Well I feel like crap now since you have been so helpful for me and sending me all this advice. Here is my advice for you. When faced with denial. When faced with enabling. RUN. As fast as you can. As far away as you can. If you are trying to talk this into being your fault that is denial. If you are staying and giving him a victim, that is enabling. RUN. And run to someone that cares. I always said that the saddest day would not be the day I went to my mom expecting her to be there how I want her to be there and being disappointed.. its the day I stop going to her. And your day has come. Find someone that can ACTUALLY help you. You need to take the boys and go. Before you talk yourself into something else.
He is enmeshed with his parents. They have given him a choice between his family, heritage, and life’s work or YOU. This will take him a long time to work out and if he picks you he will have to break off all contact with his family. It is all or nothing and they are all he has ever known. We are bred to trust our parents. It takes a lot to break that. Moms burn kids with cigarettes and the kids beg to go back them. It is human nature. It is heartbreaking that his parents are willing to destroy him because they are narcissists. Oh well. I just don’t know if you can back off and give him the time and space to accept what their actions mean. If you push, he will blame you. I don’t know if you are capable of understanding that he can’t just move on. No where worse to be than stuck between wife and family. Also, I don’t think he can stay with you after you published that he pushed you. Seems pretty unforgivable, like what his parents have done to him.
The same loving mother who wants her children to be homeschooled for all the reasons you do, can be the same loving mother who doesn’t expose her children to an unsafe home environment.
I send you lots of clear thinking and well being.
If you don’t leave, your boys will marry women and abuse them.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I want to thank you for being so honest with us, your readers, about what is going on in your life. I don’t read your posts and think – like some do – that you need to leave your husband or you need to get your life together or that you need a sanity check. I read it and think wow, there is someone that is really, really honest about their life.
I think there is an overall expectation that if you are putting things out in the world for all to see that it should be the good stuff, not the bad and I disagree: I think that we are all struggling with the bad stuff and one of the reasons it becomes so bad is that we fail to realize that there are others struggling with the same things we are. Day to day, it is the bad stuff that gives us pause and is where we learn the most. My therapist would tell you that pain is the great motivator; people don’t learn much when your day-to-day is all puppies and flowers.
I was really moved by what you wrote in the post about your dad because I think it adds a lot of context to this post: So today, when I have a natural instinct to keep something a secret, I
think to myself, "Why? Why don't I want people to know?" Because if I
am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I'm trying my
hardest to be good and kind, then anything I'm doing is fine to tell
people.
That's why I can write about what I write about on this blog.
And when you think you cannot tell someone something about yourself, ask yourself, "Really, why not?"
Thank you for being who you are…every time I get a blog post, I feel like I get a little present in my inbox.
I’m concerned that in the two replies she has made Penelope has not acknowledged that she realizes she needs to get the boys out of there. This is not about sifting and winnowing choices. This is about getting the boys out of a terrible situation and protecting them at all costs. Someone local to her should call the authorities.