This is me battling impostor syndrome
This is the big test. Right here. This is the test to see if you will stick with me even when you know everything. There is lameness about me. Not the lameness commenters point out. Not like, I don’t know anything about graduate school. Or I’m not fair to David Dellifield. No. It’s more fundamental than that.
I want you to recall that when I was growing up, the police came to our house pretty frequently. (And, in fact, to our hotel rooms. And you might be interested to know that when rich people trash a hotel room they do not get thrown out of the hotel. But rather, the kids get their own hotel room.) Every time, my dad would tell them that I was fine, that it was only a spanking, that I was exaggerating. He would tell them I have a behavioral problem.
He wasn’t covering anything up as much as expressing how my parents were actually convinced that I was a psychopath. I was the one who went to a psychiatrist my whole childhood. They even had me tested at Northwestern’s neurology lab. But at the same time, my parents were doing things like getting angry enough to leave me as in Arlington Heights, alone on a street corner, while they drove back to Wilmette. (Google Map that: Not good parenting. Probably illegal today.)
Okay. So fast forward to my marriage now, to the Farmer. The odds are that I would be with a man who treats me like my dad did, right? So it should not surprise you that the Farmer pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor. In front of my six-year-old son.
The Farmer would tell you why it’s my fault, and how I deserve it, and that I made him do it. If there were a neurology lab in rural Wisconsin he’d probably send me there because he has told me numerous times, most recently right after he apologized for pushing me, again, that I am emotionally abusive to him.
Two nights ago, I got really scared. He had already pushed me and shoved me and grabbed me and crushed my foot in a door. He would say that I deserved it. That I say crazy things to him. That I never leave him alone. That I am an awful person to live with. For the record.
He had me in a corner, and I was crying and I was scared, and he was telling me how I am a terrible mom, he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me. So I dialed a number that I thought was a friend, but it was my stepmom, the woman married to my dad
She is totally cool. My dad has very good taste and I really like this stepmom. And she was great to talk to. I can’t complain about one thing she said.
She says, of course, that I am a good mom. And of course, I do not believe her. Someone raised by abusive parents never feels secure in their parenting because they don’t understand what makes kids love parents. So that’s my weak spot. Even if I were a great parent, I’d never believe it.
And of course, she said I need to leave.
I was silent.
Then she suggests sending my dad to come see me. For support. I say okay. Because I can’t say no to support. And, you know what? I can’t say no to my dad. I just want to be loved. He tries really hard. I forgive every transgression, even as his transgressions are huge. Just go read that post. I can’t even bear to write about them again. I can’t because I want to have a dad who loves me in a real way.
I want to have a dad who comes and rescues me when I have a husband who is physically violent.
So my dad drives two hours to see me. He gets here for dinner. I told him not to come any earlier because it’s Sunday, the day my Ex comes to hang out at the house with my sons, and it’s the only day all week that I don’t have kids, so I have to work that day.
Our dinner features my act of childish passive-aggressiveness: I make sure there is no meat in the meal because the Farmer really wants meat in the meal every time.
Maybe that is what he means when he tells me I’m emotionally abusive.
I am alone in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I tell myself not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself it gets me nowhere. I tell myself that I if I can fix this situation, I will be really good at helping other people to fix their lives.
My dad comes up to me in the kitchen. I am startled.
I tell him I really appreciate that he came, that it makes me feel less alone.
He tells me he wants to help. He tells me he researched women’s shelters in my area.
“Dad. Women’s shelter? Did you say women’s shelter?”
“Yes. I was thinking you could go to one.”
“I can’t go to a women’s shelter, Dad. It’s rural America. A women’s shelter, here?”
I am speechless. I am trying to figure out something to say to him about why I cannot show up to one of those, kids in tow.
“Dad. I’m famous. I’ve signed autographs in grocery stores.”
He said, “Oh. You are?”
I decide we are done. I fluff the bean salad and tell myself he is trying to be helpful.
The Farmer says grace. He needs to thank God before every meal. He wanted to say Jesus also, but we compromised with just God. So he says that. And as he thanks God for this meal, I put my head down and wonder if not allowing him to thank Jesus is emotionally abusive.
The kids eat and run.
And there I am, alone. With the three men in my life.
My dad talks about his stamp collection. There was an auction in Iowa. He was thinking of going, but all the stamps he wanted were too expensive.
The Ex says he had a stamp collection, too. His parents just sent it to him. They are cleaning out their closets.
The Farmer says he had a stamp collection too.
We talk about plate blocks, post card values, and pros and cons of hinges. The hinges are difficult. You never know if it’s better to attach the stamps for security, or if the attachment is so damaging that you risk losing the stamp.
Wow, look at all the NTs bagging on their resident Aspies, desperate for sympathy because they’re such martyrs. Have you people any idea how much suffering Aspies endure on a daily basis?! Have you ANY concept at all of how much ASPIES change/adjust/forgive for you and everyone around them too?! Have you any idea that knowing they have Asperger’s Syndrome, knowing that they’re different enough to be so disliked that their own families clearly don’t like them (like a mother in this comments thread – her disgust for her son is tangible and disgusting), and knowing that they KNOW they will likely never change or improve makes them want to DIE!? Poor you, non-Aspies, for putting up with Aspies, you are so brave, blah blah blah: well I say Poor Aspies for having no choice but to put up with self-indulgent martyrs who want praise for their sainthood.
Aspies are NOT TO BLAME for their condition, just as you are not to blame for being non-Aspie. Aspies make allowances for non-Aspies every single minute of the day, Aspies are abused by non-Aspies all the time, but I don’t see posts here about what martyrs Aspies are for tolerating non-Aspies soooo bravely …
HOWEVER, Aspies are easily victims of emotional abuse – and it’s very, very easy for manipulative abusers to wrangle their conditions and blame them for all the crap they deliberately throw at them. The Farmer knows exactly what he’s doing – he knows his wife better than any of us, and EVEN IF she was abusive like he says, he has NO RIGHT whatsoever to not only lay a finger on her, but also to treat her like he doesn’t know she’s different. The Farmer needs to manage his expectations of his wife – or split up!
And Penelope: first he tried to run you over with a tractor, and now this … you will find other men. You can support your kids and make a nice home without a man who seems to think it’s okay to physically hurt you. He knew you were an Aspie when he got together with you.
Your writing always makes me think. I think what really matters to you is relevance. It’s not that you are the best at life advice or even that your writing helps people…it’s that you matter. The story you blogged is not a story of how you battle impostor syndrome; the writing of it is itself the battle. When you are there at the end of the story, in the endgame that sounds so typical and so tragically normal–they are chatting about stamps and you’re worried about…everything–you can stare at the table in front of you and begin to feel that awful sin of lameness crushing down all around you. You fear that it’s not a temporary down, a momentary dip–but that you’ve been fooling yourself all along and this is really what you deserve. You see nothing for a minute. And then you write. And then it begins to be better again.
That’s what I see anyway. I don’t know what to tell you about getting pushed around. I think you find the strength to act on that after you blow the cobwebs of self-doubt away. Just because you have to do that a lot doesn’t mean the dark place is where you deserve to be…it’s just where you always find the writing again and know that is who you are.
What the fuck is wrong with you? You endured the childhood you did and you don’t realize yet that this is NOT ABOUT YOU? What is wrong with you that you think it is okay for a 6-year old boy to see his parents fight physically? What is wrong with your sons’ father that he lets them stay? You and the Farmer are not involved in some romantic, epic dance of tortured souls trying to make their way in the world. You are two emotionally damaged people who should not be together. And your first priority should be the boys.
Seconded. What goes on between you and the farmer is between you and the farmer, but you have no right to inflict this nonsense on your kids. Where the hell is their dad and why hasn’t he stepped up to remove them from your custody?
Yeah…the father really does need to step it up. Coming over on Sundays to mooch dinner doesn’t cut it. If I was in that situation, I’d be asking for more help from the dad. You are under a lot of stress. Hugs.
This is not a post about Asperger’s. This is a post about someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. (hint: it’s not the farmer)
Spot on
Spot on
Yeah, I can see that….What I’m wondering is, does the Farmer even know the smack she’s unloading on him? You know….so that he could defend himself….make no mistake, she’s fucking his life over, and is really doing a job on her sons while she’s at it.
Exactly.
Wow, look at all the NTs bagging on their resident Aspies, desperate for
sympathy because they’re such martyrs. Have you people any idea how
much suffering Aspies endure on a daily basis?! Have you ANY concept at
all of how much ASPIES change/adjust/forgive for you and everyone around
them too?! Have you any idea that knowing they have Asperger’s
Syndrome, knowing that they’re different enough to be so disliked that
their own families clearly don’t like them (like a mother in this
comments thread – her disgust for her son is tangible and disgusting),
and knowing that they KNOW they will likely never change or improve
makes them want to DIE!? Poor you, non-Aspies, for putting up with
Aspies, you are so brave, blah blah blah: well I say Poor Aspies for
having no choice but to put up with self-indulgent martyrs who want
praise for their sainthood.
Aspies are NOT TO BLAME for their condition, just as you are not to
blame for being non-Aspie. Aspies make allowances for non-Aspies every
single minute of the day, Aspies are abused by non-Aspies all the time,
but I don’t see posts here about what martyrs Aspies are for tolerating
non-Aspies soooo bravely …
HOWEVER, Aspies are easily victims of emotional abuse – and it’s very,
very easy for manipulative abusers to wrangle their conditions and blame
them for all the crap they deliberately throw at them. The Farmer knows
exactly what he’s doing – he knows his wife better than any of us, and
EVEN IF she was abusive like he says, he has NO RIGHT whatsoever to not
only lay a finger on her, but also to treat her like he doesn’t know
she’s different. The Farmer needs to manage his expectations of his wife
– or split up!
And Penelope: first he tried to run you over with a tractor, and now
this … you will find other men. You can support your kids and make a
nice home without a man who seems to think it’s okay to physically hurt
you. He knew you were an Aspie when he got together with you.
OK, I’m going to take the troll bait:
Rabid dogs aren’t responsible for their condition either, but we don’t allow them to roam freely and bite at will. It seems to me that society has vastly improved how it treats those with congential maladaptations. When I was a child, in the 60s, most were institutionalized so as to be out of sight and out of mind. But the price for mainstreaming those with Aspergers is the frustration born of inevitable social friction in homes, schools, and workplaces. That frustration NEVER justifies physical abuse, but no one should be made to feel guilty for what they feel in response to the frustration. Sorrow and anger are appropriate emotional responses to the frustration aroused by some Aspie behavior. It is what it is.
OK, I’m going to take the troll bait:
Rabid dogs aren’t responsible for their condition either, but we don’t allow them to roam freely and bite at will. It seems to me that society has vastly improved how it treats those with congential maladaptations. When I was a child, in the 60s, most were institutionalized so as to be out of sight and out of mind. But the price for mainstreaming those with Aspergers is the frustration born of inevitable social friction in homes, schools, and workplaces. That frustration NEVER justifies physical abuse, but no one should be made to feel guilty for what they feel in response to the frustration. Sorrow and anger are appropriate emotional responses to the frustration aroused by some Aspie behavior. It is what it is.
double post. apologies. can’t find a delete function.
So I’m bring up Penelope, and get the latest scoop on goat cheese start ups, sending kids to home schooling and…. what the hell? ……. farmer… crushed foot… scared … women’s shelter? I check the web page again just to make sure I am in the right place. I have never written to you or wrote a comment. Didn’t see the need. Why now? Because the answer woman looks like she has questions.
First off thank you for sharing. Sharing alone makes it likely that you will deal with this situation better than most persons in your situation. By sharing you put the brakes on a lot of stuff. I grew up in a situation where people shoved each other and worse. Something like that depends of silence and sweeping it under the rug until its too late.
I can understand why you would call your dad. It was still not the best decision, but I understand why you did it. You are in a situation that people can find themselves in. Much like unemployment or career stagnation. It seems all of a sudden, but really its been happening for sometime… u just didn’t know what it was. You have seemed so happy in your relocation. This comes as a bit of a slap in the face.But that’s ok. Life does that.
I have never been more convinced that you are a real person with real problems. I imagine this is very much like so many other problems you have faced in your life. Transition from Pro Volleyball Player to Millionaire to Serial entrepreneur to Advice Columnist. Survivor of 9/11, divorcee, poster child for miscarriages, gen x, y and z, and we wont even get into your childhood challenges. Its easy enough to forget, that each of these were really scary when they were happening. Its so easy to look back at these hard decisions and to think you handled it with as much effort as it takes to read about it. Its easy to think of life as 1000 word essay in a blog. Its nice and neat. You made those decisions. You will make this one.
I don’t know the Farmer and I don’t know you. But from what i have read – this is a situation with a solution. like most of our problems. It will probably be simple, but not easy. You will cry no matter what you do. You will lose something as you get to the other side. You will survive.
Cry as much as you need to. Then get up and make some choices. For me – today, you did what you always do. Framed your life in such a way that I come away knowing what to do about my own tangled mess. Good luck.
One thing is for sure, things will not be same… and I suppose you finally get to choose. Do you want a happy life… or an interesting one?
I’m sticking with you.
You are not an imposter.
You are, for a variety of reasons — many of which make perfect sense from an emotional standpoint, choosing to stay with someone who does not understand or fully accept you – and who we now know abuses you in the most literal sense of the word.
There are, albeit few, instances in life where the situation is exactly as it seems: bad and unsustainable. No addendums, no social context to figure out. I am a regular reader. I know only what you share. And based on that information, I feel very strongly that you are in such an situation.
This is your choice to make. You’re not the first woman to make it; maybe one of few women who speak openly about it, but this choice is made all the time — in situations of great suffering. It pains me that so many of us can relate; that this is part of our social fabric.
I’m sticking with you.
Driving long distances to cello lessons and homeschooling are great. But they are fluff – a crumb – compared to emotional support, stability, and observing/being involved in healthy relationships. That stuff is at the very core of developing into a capable, well-adjusted, healthy adult.
Cancel cello lessons right now. Use that time and money for therapy for your kids and yourself and, if he’ll go, the farmer. This isn’t just about you, it’s about your children, too, and about what they are learning right now about relationships and love and respect (for self and others). You need help figuring out what’s best for them, and you need it now, and you need and deserve to be free from violence while you get it all sorted out.
“Lame” isn’t the right word to describe yourself- it’s too judgmental. I haven’t read your blog in three years and apparently much changed in the content. Frankly, I am quite surprised and a bit shocked, my first thought when I started reading was, “this must be some crazy metaphor for the work environment”. But no, it’s your life – out there – in public view. The best word I can think of is “mess’- that you are a “mess” and the blog seems to be your tool for figuring out the messiness that is your life. I think the impact for me is a loss of credibility on the subject of providing career advice. However, judging by the concerned and passionate responses from readers, this seems to be a good place for blog therapy.
Leave. Him. Now.
This is not how you raise children. Living in a relationship where everything is so damn hard. You are abused by The Farmer. You abuse your son with the cello lesson marathons. Your house is a mess, because you have too many messes. You are better off alone, sharing parenting with the kids father. You want to be right about marrying the farmer, but it sure looks like you were wrong.
Penelope, I have to agree with your dad. And while only you can make a decision about whether to stay or to go, there are local resources. You can look at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Services website here (http://www.abuseintervention.org/help.html), or call their toll-free number 24-hours a day.
Given that I live 20 minutes down the road from you, I know that Madison is an hour away. I urge you to reach out for help. For your boys’ sake, if not yours.
Also – making sure the meal doesn’t have meat when meat is what the Farmer really wants in every meal strikes me as a textbook move on the part of a battered wife. After reading this – and other – posts regarding your relationship with the Farmer, that’s the word that comes to mind: Battered. Beaten down. Questioning your worth, your contributions, your deserving-ness of being pushed to the ground. Just please think about that. Not serving meat is not emotionally abusive; it’s signs of life, of hope — maybe it’s the remaining fragments of a woman who knows *exactly* how f’d up this situation is shining through.
I so badly want to make everything OK for you. Be safe.
Penelope, I will share a bit about two of my relationships:
#1 – He was emotionally abusive, and I became physically abusive in response. Someone posted here about the options to escalate, submit, or disengage. I think that does boil it down to the essentials. Neither of us could disengage, and neither would submit.
So we went to counseling. We were able to learn how to defuse. One technique we used is that one of us would leave, but it was for a set amount of time. In an hour, we would be back. And I learned that, even as a woman, if I was hitting, I was an abuser. I had to regard violence as simply off limits. Nothing was worth me viewing myself as an abuser.
Ultimately we split up because I wanted to move away and have a different kind of life than he wanted, and we are now good friends.
#2 – In my current relationship, we are having serious issues right now, and a big contributor is his passive aggression. From what I’m reading online, it is considered a form of emotional abuse.
I talk about everything, and I describe every feeling, and I overwhelm him. So then he withholds. Sex, daily chit chat, everything. It progressed slowly, I didn’t realize this was what was going on, that he was that angry with me, until he started taking his complaints, and eventually his affections, to a female coworker instead of to me. Then I looked it up. Apparently, along with passive aggression comes “triangulation.”
Here’s the most helpful link I’ve found about passive aggression. http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2011/09/27/this-is-me-battling-impostor-syndrome/
It’s surprising to me the crappy quality of psychology info on the web. If you have any recommendations for better sites, maybe let me know.
Do you think counseling would be an option for you two? Would the Farmer be open to it if it was agreed that it would only be a set number of sessions, maybe two or three?
I gave the wrong link. Here’s the right one: http://thecouplestoolkit.com/2010/09/21/the-passive-aggressive-punch-the-silent-code-of-anger-in-the-coupledom/
Thanks so much for that link.
Thanks so much for that link.
You might have Aspergers, but you’re relatively high functioning, which means you know how to identify a problem that lies within you, and only you. Had you truly wanted this relationship to work, you would have fully accepted responsibility for what destruction you bring to it, and sought out somebody who was professionally able to help you process what you do and why you do it.
What you’re effectively doing, by posting this on your blog, is forcing the “Farmer” to throw you out. Because from what you write, you haven’t been truly happy in this relationship in a while. You know you’re emotionally abusive – it’s evident in your writing, yet at no point have I seen a post wherein you get counseling for what you know to be a problem. But you don’t want to be the one who walks out the door. You “need” him to throw you out, because that’s validation for all the crap you think about yourself.
I’m not justifying what he did, but you’re both at fault. If you really want any kind of a chance at happiness, you’ll delete this post, go to him and express to him how his actions made you feel, apologize for your role in creating the frustration he so clearly felt, and then advise him that you’re going to counseling. That’s holding up your end.
And in the interests of your children, you’ll explain to him that you and he are going to sit down with your children and explain that what you’ve both done is very, very wrong. And that people should not allow other people to abuse them, no matter what. And then explain that if either you or he act so inappropriately again, you won’t be able to live together anymore. But …. you’re both going to do everything in your power to act kindly and responsibly to each other. And that you both love the children, and you want to create a happy home for them, but you’re both extremely broken works in progress.
Sienna sounds like a .. a…. a GROWN-UP. woah.
quote: “…are going to sit down with your children and explain that what you’ve both done is very, very wrong…people should not allow other people to abuse them…then explain that if either you or he act so inappropriately again, you won’t be able to live together anymore.”
The kids are not stupid. I think they know the parents are screwed up, they DO allow the partner to abuse them, and they are NOT going to leave if it happens again. Why tell them lies?
i wish i had something deep and insightful to say about domestic violence but i don’t. what i do have to say though, is that i admire your honesty. it’s raw, it’s genuine, it’s rare. and for that, i deeply commend you
A few random comments and observations.
First, you are a very talented writer.
One in six Americans suffers from a mental condition. If you are in this group (the Aspergers) then you should get professional support.
If you were considered crazy as a kid then this is something that will likely always be part of your personality. And very hard to change,
It is very abusive and dismissive to refer to your husband as “the Farmer.” My initial reaction to this was “this relationship won’t last long.”
I would love to hear your husband’s side of the drama in your life. All your readers get is your version of things.
Your kids need to be in a regular school and away from this crazy lifestyle or it will be passed on to yet another generation.
While I don’t condone abuse, I can understand how a mentally unstable person can push a person to the point of shoving another to get their attention. I think you were probably embellishing the story about your husband trying to run you over with a tractor.
If your husband has not given full permission to write these things about him, it is seriously wrong. If he has, then perhaps both of you need mental help support.
If your lifelong behavior isn’t a symptom of your mental illness, then you likely have a narcissistic personality that demands constant attention. It seems a more extreme version of the “drama queen” or “high maintenance” person. Some people are attracted (like a moth to a flame) to these people. The smart people run as far and as fast as possible away.
You are really not in an authoritative position to be advising anyone about how to run their life, other than as an example of how not to run your life.
In my opinion, running off to live in rural Wisconsin with a farmer was simply an escape. Sadly, your husband is just a temporary crutch.
You will probably always leave a wake of destruction in your path until you find a way to cope with your demons.
You and your husband seem so different that I wonder why either of you ever got married. What did you each need in each other…or that you thought you would get?
When I saw a video of you for the first time my reaction was “this person is kind of whacked out.”
If you haven’t already, I suggest trying some things to calm your mind…cognitive therapy, yoga, meditation, etc. Perhaps that will help some. You need more than writing as your therapy.
The other people who commented on this post often reflect their own personality disorders or past problems in relationships, many that seem to be a result of having dysfunctional parents. You need to be sure that YOU aren’t the dysfunctional parent to your children.
People who show you blind devotion, without trying to help or commenting on what you need help with, are doing you a disservice.
These are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts. I hope they help you.
Perfectly said!
This is the first comment (or blog post) that has any real value.
I read because her life is a train wreck and I keep hoping it will get better for her boys. The ex needs to step In and up for them.
If your husband has not given full permission to write these things about him, it is seriously wrong. If he has, then perhaps both of you need mental help support.
Nobody needs permission from their abuser to speak about the abuse.
Have you ever had to deal with a seriously crazy person? Someone who will get worked up over something and the PURSUE you all over the house? If you read what PT has said, the Farmer was trying to get away from her. She put her foot in the door so he couldn’t shut it. PC be damned, crazy people, and my mother is certainly one, are extremely difficult to deal with. If PT is Borderline, or just a severe narcissist, then the Farmer should kick her out, and be done with it. I finally just had to give up on my mother, and that’s sad.
I love your blog. I’m sorry for your situation..some things suck. I’m sure you’ve got lots of friends for support, but if you need another one you can email me. I think we have some things in common on the home front.
You need a dishwasher more than a new man !!!!! now!!!!
Penelope, I will not try to tell you what you have to do but please take this from me as a sincere and heartfelt warning:
I was an extremely handsome and bright child, very talented in many ways. When I watched my father abuse my mom for the first time it tore me apart and I cried in a way that felt like dying, like everything was going down the drain and the harder I tried to hold on to it the harder I had to cry.
Since then I got different friends, I started to withdraw, I started to automutilate, I was put on medication, I was sexually abused because I became so vulnerable, I think it is the reason I started using drugs, I became homeless. Slowly I’m getting my life back. And I try to forgive everyone in my life, but forgiving my father is so damn hard. Please don’t do this to your kids.
Maybe in some ways it is hard to imagine the ways in which a child can be affected by his or her environment, but you have to understand that adults have much clearer boundaries than kids, there’s a world ‘out there’ and a world ‘in here’, but when there’s no rationale or other way to escape from the things you see hear and feel happening between the two people in your life that probably are the ones that are the closest to your heart, two people that mean so much to you.. It’s not healthy Penelope.. and there’s no excuse.
ok P you know i love you and admire you and respect you … now i went and read that post again just to be sure – the childhood one … now set some boundaries dear one … for your dad – he doesn’t offer you support – only a window back into that time …. you just don’t need his love that much – you are a great person despite all you have been thru – or because of …. seeing your dad as support is like see crack as the answer – destructive – as you can see i hold to the notion of forgiving but never forgeting …
Now the pumpkins … we can’t have the boys in this situtaion – you and the farmer need to make some choices – he should write a list of the last week of episodes where you have been abusive towards him – you need to study the list and choose – if you want – to modify your behaviour. true responsibility is the ability to choose your response – you are both being slack in this regard.
I worked in domestic violence prevention for a nano second – it was when my boys were about 1 and 3 yrs old. I had to quit. Once I saw the stats and the science and the real cost to the women and theior kids I just died inside and kept seeing my boys as potential abusers …. this was not working for me as a mother. should your boys begin to see this as the norm there is little chance they won’t copy the behaviour as the grow into young men.
After I left my first husband i realsied there was stacks of emotional abuse from him – it began subtly and built up to quite massive proportions but by then i was desensitised and it felt quite normal. lets not do the same to your lads.
I know I am lecturing but accept it for what it is – i care from afar what happens to you and the wee lads, the farmer less. maybe you might benefit from a trip away – put things in perspective – come stay – we have a spare room – best le xox
Oh Pen —I get it all. It was my life. I took the pushing and the rest. Verrry slowly there was a slight escalation in frequency and intensity. I moved to a magical land and became Rumplestilskin, and started spinning to convince myself it wasn’t so bad. Until the physical abuse happened in front of my child. I took a whole day to decide that I could take it, and then I finally realized that I couldn’t take it for her. Shouting is not the same as angry touching.
You can leave. You stay because it’s familiar and comfortable. It must be you, because your whole life it’s been you, and you have Asperger’s. So you’re different. So what? Who’s not? Dinner and stamp talk were spinning, like Rumplestilskin. Things are not fine. Magical thinking is just that: Magic, not real. You’re the one with Asperger’s, not him. And he is not your child, he is an adult.
I’m with you, P. My dad recently gave me his multi-faceted stamp collection to sell. I should’ve gone to a dealer and flogged it as a job lot. But my obsessive compulsiveness has me selling them in ones, threes, sixes and nines. I’m faffing with 99-cent eBay sales when I could (should!) be pulling $120 an hour as a copywriter. I know this is crazy. Humans are crazy. What can you do? With best regards for the happiness and welfare of you and yours. P.
The dangerous thing about physical abuse isn’t so much the shoving itself, it’s that accidents can happen. I got shoved pretty hard once and wound up landing on a coffee table, a friend of mine got dragged up a flight of stairs by her hair, her wrist got jammed in the banister and it broke.
When things are heated, and the farmer (or you) are physically not in control, accidents can happen, and it is dangerous to both of you (and the kids, the pets, the furniture ect). The very FIRST thing the farmer has to realize is that physically, he has to stay in control.
That being said, there are probably legitimate reasons why he’s going ballistic, so the SECOND thing you guys need to do is work on the issues you have, and get better strategies for coping with each other when things start to look like they are getting out of control.
The THIRD thing would be to make sure the kids are insulated from your arguments. I remember as a kid being in the basement, trying to soothe my dog who was shivering with fear because my parents were screaming and smashing things, like somehow, if I could get my dog calmed down, everything would be okay. I would go to school the next day shaken and needy, and make up stories about how my grama had died (for like the 5th time) so I could get soothing comfort from others.If you can’t get yourselves under control in front of the kids you might want to send them back to school so then you and the farmer can fight while they aren’t there, or at the very least, your kids can build constructive relationships to support them when you do fight.
HA. Ironically, just at this moment, I got informed I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. Yaaaay dysfunctional relationships!
The final thing I was going to say would be that you should spend time building a relationship with your dad during un-emotionally charged moments. My relationship with my father is VASTLY different from yours, so take this with a grain of salt, but we used to not be able to be in the same room for a day without a shouting match, now I call him almost every day.Relationships take work, at the end of the day it’s up to each of us to decide whether we are willing (or able) to put that work in.
I see you categorized this post as “Knowing Yourself”. With all due respect, this is not about who you are but about your father and the farmer and their impact on you and the kids. Don’t repeat the cycle with your own kids. Either the farmer commits (and does) stop the violence or you go. I don’t see how you can be so careful not to subject your kids to what you see as the idiocy of the public schools but allow them to bear witness to an abusive relationship. Surely the latter will have a more lasting and negative impact than insipid math worksheets. You can recognize how you may contribute to the anger of the farmer (and formerly in your father) but as everyone else has said, there really isn’t any excuse for physical abuse. I vote for one last chance only if you think you can reach a real understanding and acknowledgement that it is wrong and can’t happen again.
Good luck.
I see you categorized this post as “Knowing Yourself”. With all due respect, this is not about who you are but about your father and the farmer and their impact on you and the kids. Don’t repeat the cycle with your own kids. Either the farmer commits (and does) stop the violence or you go. I don’t see how you can be so careful not to subject your kids to what you see as the idiocy of the public schools but allow them to bear witness to an abusive relationship. Surely the latter will have a more lasting and negative impact than insipid math worksheets. You can recognize how you may contribute to the anger of the farmer (and formerly in your father) but as everyone else has said, there really isn’t any excuse for physical abuse. I vote for one last chance only if you think you can reach a real understanding and acknowledgement that it is wrong and can’t happen again.
Good luck.
this is the kind of crap my long-ago ex used to do to me. hold me down on the ground. choke me. i wanted everyone to see him for who he is. the pinnacle of the abuse is always the “you’re a psycho b**ch” remarks blaming you for all of it. the mind games will drive a person crazier than anything.
there will come a day when you’re done.
What you’re describing is just life. Sure, written up it sounds pretty dramatic, pretty abusive, pretty “interesting”, but really, really it’s just a day in a life.
There are probably very few women in America who couldn’t write something similar about a few days, one day, some day, some event in their own lives. None of what you’ve described about your life, or your argument with “the farmer” is really that different, that unique. You just have a talent for writing and you choose to share those days and those events with everyone. Then the few people out there who don’t have those experiences think you’re crazy or think you’re brilliant and those who have had those experiences think they should give you advice.
You shouldn’t fight like that in front of your kids. But you’re 40-something, and you know that.
Yes, I thought my life was normal too. For almost a dozen years. Then I realized not everyone put up with the level of stress and trauma — because it is traumatic to live under constant emotional abuse. Took me a long time to admit to this and take steps to change my life. Because it is possible to live without abuse and to not consider it normal.
There are a lot of woman who can’t write something similar. I’ve not only never had anyone commit any type of physical violence towards me I’ve never been involved with a man for whom physical violence was an urge when upset or angry. The men I’ve known closely have never had the idea or urge to shove their romantic partner enter their heads let alone given into it.
You’re right that there have to be plenty of women who haven’t had this, but it depends a lot on the temperament of both people. The majority of women probably have the ability to have screaming, throwing-things anger, and the majority of men probably have the ability to become furious to the point of wanting to act on it. Mostly people try to control themselves, and any mature man knows when to walk away before he does something dangerous.
There are controller-abusers and there are people provoked into abuse, and the line where one ends and the other begins may not be distinct .
You never know what you’re capable of until you’re there, but since we’re all human, we’ve probably all felt anger and are probably all capable of violence.
You’re right that there have to be plenty of women who haven’t had this, but it depends a lot on the temperament of both people. The majority of women probably have the ability to have screaming, throwing-things anger, and the majority of men probably have the ability to become furious to the point of wanting to act on it. Mostly people try to control themselves, and any mature man knows when to walk away before he does something dangerous.
There are controller-abusers and there are people provoked into abuse, and the line where one ends and the other begins may not be distinct .
You never know what you’re capable of until you’re there, but since we’re all human, we’ve probably all felt anger and are probably all capable of violence.
You’re right that there have to be plenty of women who haven’t had this, but it depends a lot on the temperament of both people. The majority of women probably have the ability to have screaming, throwing-things anger, and the majority of men probably have the ability to become furious to the point of wanting to act on it. Mostly people try to control themselves, and any mature man knows when to walk away before he does something dangerous.
There are controller-abusers and there are people provoked into abuse, and the line where one ends and the other begins may not be distinct .
You never know what you’re capable of until you’re there, but since we’re all human, we’ve probably all felt anger and are probably all capable of violence.
I had to stop reading the comments, because they make me sick.
I’ve been a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. Not cooking someone meat for dinner, even to punish them, is not emotional abuse. Forcing your partner to talk to you is not emotional abuse.
Making another person feel worthless is emotional abuse. Twisting situations and playing the victim is emotional abuse.
The farmer is emotionally abusive to you. And when that stops working, he’s physically abusive.
I’m sorry your dad didn’t offer to take you home with him. Shelters are for people without families to help. What a horrible message for your dad to send.
“I’m sorry your dad didn’t offer to take you home with him. Shelters are
for people without families to help. What a horrible message for your
dad to send.”
You might want to read a bit more of what she’s written about her dad.
I have. Just because your parent can’t/won’t give you what you need, doesn’t mean you stop wanting them to support you.
I’m not sure about the dilemmas you wrote about. Actually I have an opinion about those too. But I wanted to tell you that you committed great literature in this column.
I worked at a DV agency for the past year and grew up in an abusive home. I landed myself in an emotionally abusive relationship and still went to work in the morning. I was an imposter too. The only redeeming quality of this experience was that ended quickly and I didn’t put up with it. I left when I realized it wasn’t going change. And I also left my job.
It’s amazing how we so rarely take our own advice.
Reading this blog has been a source of strength and full of great advice- take a risk, follow your heart, do what you are. P you’ve been with me through graduation, a first long bout of unemployment, a move to another city, and now a second move. It’s power to have so much influence on strangers. The reason you have this power is because you have been real. You talk about things that no one else will.
But it’s not brave for you to be real, it’s what you do.
I am writing this, and I hope you don’t read it. I am a stranger. You can be vulnerable because I can’t hurt you. Not in the same way that people who are very close to you can.
You don’t have to wonder if the readers will stay. You are undermining your own talent and value. I cherish your advice and your insight, especially when, in my own family, I am not able to get the same kind of guidance.
You already know what you need to do. But also, please do your job (and it’s not to drive traffic to this blog, but to deliver crisp observation like the post on design, one of your absolute gems).
this is the smartest comment to your post. I hope you read and re-read it. Print it out and put it in your wallet or purse. I too have been in your situation in your marriage and childhood. I swore I would never allow anyone to emotionally or physically abuse me and that I would leave any such situation immediately. I was also the primary breadwinner, with 2 kids. Took me 10 years to recognize I was in such a situation and to leave. The pain of staying – knowing what my son was seeing and having to live with that — became greater than the fear of leaving and the complete unknown.
Ok Penelope please read this.
I know know why it didnt feel good when you tried to dish out advise on how to be a woman
Ok Penelope please read this.
I know know why it didnt feel good when you tried to dish out advise on how to be a woman
Well, here’s what scares me: There is a chance that the farmer thought you would never talk about this because you would be too ashamed or embarrassed. On the other hand, he would have to be a fool to think that you wouldn’t blog about something that has such a big effect on your life, somehow or another. So someone who would abuse you, in front of your kid, knowing that you might tell like, a million readers, there is no telling what someone who do that is capable of. But I would venture a guess, and it isn’t very pretty. And maybe he is just really, really stupid. But farmers are just not stupid people in general.
So now you have outed him as a wife beater. I know it doesn’t sound nice and he hasn’t sent you to the emergency room…yet. But most of the people here will scream at you that it is just a matter of time. Wife beaters all start small and work their way up the scale. Somehow I would never have pegged you as suffering from the “Prisoner of War” syndrome, but if you stick around, that’s what you are suffering from. And if you were abused as a child, it’s highly likely. Staying there is not a healthy way to live, nice farm environment or not. You can’t keep bringing friends on board to live there hoping it will make it better, and your kids, well, they deserve better, even if it’s liviing in a car. They’ll respect you more for that.
Penelope,
First of all I am sending you some love and light right now.
You need to read the article below and share it on your Twitter and Facebook. Its time that something changed in this world. A woman just got punished by lashing for driving a car in Saudi Arabia. Why this is not front page news around the world astounds me. The fact we all turn a blind eye to these atrocities on a consistent basis is why women like yourself then have to endure situations like the one you are in. http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-"crazy"/I am still with you. Even though at the time, I was highly offended when you dished out your sexist advice on how to be a woman; I understand now where it was coming from. Because I know that as a woman trying to living your life within a restrictive patriarchal, capitalistic paradigm DOES NOT make a happy life for smart, intelligent women. I hope you know that now too.If women could sleep their way to the top of companies, they would have already. If being the perfect wife, mother, daughter, etc would stop men abusing women and girls then their would be little to no violence. No matter how much we bend, change, compromise, forgive, etc, etc nothing will change until we start uniting. This also includes uniting with the men that understand women are EQUAL to men. It shouldn’t take a man to tell us we are not crazy. As a woman I know you are not crazy. Its the fucked up system that is crazy. Penelope you are an extremely gifted intellectual that has the capacity to change the world. Get the hell out of there and wake up to the reality that you need to help start the next revolution towards greater equality between men and women. Enough with telling women to stop reporting sexual harassment. Stand up for yourself and help millions of other women stand up for themselves too!Also stop doubting and blaming yourself. You are stronger than that and do not need male validation in order to be happy. Thank you for your amazing courage and honesty and thank you for telling your story.
Something happened to my comment? Where did it go?
Ok trying again to comment –
You need to find and read the article below and share it on your Twitter and Facebook. Its time that something changed in this world. (A woman just got punished by lashing for driving a car in Saudi Arabia. Why this is not front page news around the world astounds me)
The fact we all turn a blind eye to these atrocities on a consistent basis is why women like yourself then have to endure situations like the one you are in.
Go to thecurrentconscience.com/blog and find the post – “A message to a woman from a man – You are not crazy”
I am still with you. Even though at the time, I was highly offended when you dished out your sexist advice on how to be a woman; I now understand where it was coming from.
Because I know that as a woman trying to living your life within a restrictive patriarchal, capitalistic paradigm DOES NOT make a happy life for smart, intelligent women. If women could sleep their way to the top of companies they would have already. If being the perfect wife, mother, daughter, etc would stop men abusing women and girls then their would be no violence.
No matter how much we bend, change, compromise, forgive, nothing will change until we start uniting. This also includes uniting with the men that understand women are EQUAL to men.
It shouldn’t take a man to tell us we are not crazy. As a woman I know you are not crazy. Its the system that is crazy and un fair. Penelope, you are an extremely gifted intellectual that has the capacity to change the world.
Get the hell out of there and wake up to the reality that you need to help start the next revolution towards greater equality between men and women.
Enough with telling women to stop reporting sexual harassment. Stand up for yourself and help millions of other women stand up for themselves too!
Also stop doubting and blaming yourself. You are stronger than that and do not need male validation in order to be happy.
Thank you for your amazing courage and honesty and thank you for telling your story.
Damn stamp collectors
You’re Kidding right? Sorry about the poor grammar.
Abusive people tell their victims all sorts of things to make them feel bad about themselves, sometimes even things that are a little bit true. In fact, the things that are a little bit true are the most powerful because we can make them into bigger things in our heads. Don’t listen to the farmer when he tells you you’re emotionally abusive–even if you are, you don’t deserve to be abused. His telling you that is just part of the cycle of abuse.
Penelope, my heart goes out to you. I won’t tell you to leave. I was once in an abusive relationship. I knew everyone was saying, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” I knew they thought I was stupid. He told me I was stupid. It was a little bit true. I knew I was stupid to stay. Cycle of abuse.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your sons.
Penelope,
Thanks for being honest. These stories about your life are beautiful, but their truth is painful. It saddens me deeply to think of what you’re going through.
I’m not going to purport to know what you should do next. Ultimately, that’s something only you can decide.
What I do know is that despite your amazing career success, in many ways your personal life is broken and has been for a while. And although I can’t sympathize, I know you’re hurting.
So instead of telling you what I think you should do, I’ll tell you something that may drive you up a wall – I’ll be praying for you. To Jesus.
It truly pains me so much to read about your home situation, Penelope. But I don’t think it’s without hope.
So whether you like it or not, I’ll be praying.
-Will
“he was saying my youngest son is going to grow up and hit me” — what is this about?
Yeah, I wish there was more here, too. Because if the youngest son was there and heard that, you can bet your life he will never, ever forget it.
I don’t care how crazy the Farmer thinks Penelope is, there’s no possible justification for the Farmer to say that in front of a child. Or lay hands on her, in front of a child. He should probably go back to being a bachelor; his step-kids are going to have blurry memories of pig contests and sharp ones of the time he threw their mom around.
I applaud your candor, and your honesty, and strength. Thank you for doing what you do! People can debate if you are right or wrong but that would imply there are rules for us all to follow and I don’t think life is that simple most of the time. Sure, don’t kill people or w/e, but even that gets iffy. See capital punishment arguments. In any case, we all know what we can and can’t handle. Abuse, emotional or physical, we know are bad for us, but so is smoking, driving, sugar, and a lot of other things we all do. My heart aches for those who are abused and have no escape…but there I think there is a new beginning if one can overcome their fear of change/loneliness.
Penelope, when I read your blog I am struck by our similarities every time. In fact, I re-took the Myers Briggs test recently because I wondered if we would have the same results. I am an INTJ, however. I also had to look up the symptoms of Asbergers because I worried I had it. Again, close, but not quite.
My point is, you may be different than the majority of your readers, but you are not less deserving of respect. That includes respect from your readers.
I cannot believe the shit that people say to you in the comments. The Farmer knew who you were when he married you. He is likely expressing dissatisfaction with you now for the same reasons he was attracted to you in the beginning. You’re unpredictable, emotional. You have no filter. You speak what you think in the same way you think it. You are ambitious, passionate. All those great personality traits can backfire too. If the Farmer didn’t know this when he married you, he Isn’t as smart as we all hoped.
As for you writing about this on your blog…. Seriously? He didn’t know that would happen either? That’s like marrying an air traffic controller and claiming you didn’t know how stressed he would be.
I’m not saying you aren’t a pain in the ass to live with. But nobody deserves to be physically pushed around by their husband OR THEIR READERS.
Your posts like this one are about real life. You say much of what people think but are too ashamed to admit. Don’t you dare apologize for that.
My husband and I know exactly how to abuse each other too. After plenty of fights where i surprised myself with how much i wanted to literally beat the crap out of him, we are now seeing a therapist to learn how to fight fair and not tear each other apart. It’s hard to go to those appointments. I struggle to keep my composure while we sit there and some stranger tells me how to fight. I’ve been pretty successful fighting my own way my whole life. Until now. But I want to stay married. So I go and I tell myself that it’s possible that I can still me, my INTJ, slightly Asperger driven self and still be good to this man. And I have to trust that he will still love me when he sees how crazy I really am.
It is time to leave. The kids need t go stay with their dad, you need to exit the house, get set up in madison and then re-establish the family. break the cycle. my history is close enough to yours to understand where you are and i chose to not have kids to make sure i didn’t screw up – you went with kids – you owe them the best you can do – which i know is better than what you had (which may have been the best they could do), screwing up at work is different than this – the consequences are worse at home
Regardless of your long-term solution, I think your short-term solution ought to be to find another place for you and the boys to stay for a while. Possibly separately. Without knowing your ex, I’m wondering if it would be sensible to send them to stay with him for a couple of weeks. Maybe you could go visit Melissa.
In my experience, decisions made under duress don’t tend to be very good ones. Put the problem down for a bit, find safety for yourself and your boys, and come back to the problem when you can see it clearly. From the outside it looks like you should probably separate, and ditto to all the comments about it not being good for your children to grow up around this, but you’ll know better when you’re outside it.
I know that there are abusive situations in which one person is completely the victim and the other person is completely the perpetrator. All child-abuse situations, right? But here is the logic I see so often: any violence means that your beloved is a monstrous abuser + abusers will never change and deserve no chance to try = the only self-respecting response is to leave your beloved.
Resorting to violence is a common human weakness. It does no good to dehumanize people who have made this mistake. How many families would be destroyed unnecessarily by an absolute adherence to this logic? I know it can get chronic, and sadistic, and all of that. But most people are not monstrous in that way. I don’t think the simplistic PSA campaigns about domestic violence have done any favors for our critical thinking skills in regards to this issue. How can people be expected to ask for help when they will be demonized?Violence is an unacceptable response in an argument. But so are emotionally abusive words and actions. To say that the physical actions are the only ones that count is to completely invalidate your beloved’s pain, and to hide from the hurtful fighting habits that you need to address.
Let me get the facts straight.
You gave up city life and moved to the farm. You aren’t well liked or accepted in BFE-town. You feel like you don’t fit in. Farmer’s family doesn’t like you and his parents have disowned him because of you. The schools aren’t good enough so you’re going to home school but you’d really like to find more time to spend pursuing you’re career and writing. You drive 8 hours round trip for “really good” music lessons for your son. Your parents were really abusive. Farmer is abusive.
You have no clue what your priorities are. You are chaos. I adore farmer. I wish you could make it work. It’s possible you two aren’t right for each other but I don’t really see you working very hard to fit in with his life. Mostly it seems like you expect him to change everything to suit you.
If he’s abusive then leave.
You’re childhood sucked, majorly. It seems to me it’s going to dominate/ruin the rest of your life if you let it. Farmer has given up everything for you. I can’t even imagine how stressful this has been for him. Yet it never seems like enough. Are you pushing him to see if he’ll react? Is this a test that you’ve set up for him? Do you want him to fail?
In a happy marriage, you bring out the best in each other. You have each other’s back. You are sweet to each other and genuinely concerned about the others’ well being. You each look out for the kids regardless of whose DNA they have.
I like you Penelope, I really do. I also like farmer and really wish you two could make it work. He’s special. You are a mess but you have potential.
I hope you guys can pull out of this tailspin.
even if you are well known, why do you believe you can’t go to a women’s shelter?
Do you really want help for your children? Who do you believe has the most experience helping children through these rough experiences?
Please seek those people out for your children even if you aren’t ready to seek help for yourself.
even if you are well known, why do you believe you can’t go to a women’s shelter?
Do you really want help for your children? Who do you believe has the most experience helping children through these rough experiences?
Please seek those people out for your children even if you aren’t ready to seek help for yourself.