Blueprint for a Woman’s Life
When I drive, I have arguments with people in my head. I think of someone who does not realize how smart I am about what I am smart about, and I go on tirades to show them how misguided they are.
And I realized one day, while I had a particularly long car ride, that I am actually feeling like I know what women should be doing with their adult life.
Most people would be too humble to say this. But I’m the woman who, after ten years in the workforce, built a career on telling people how to manage their career. So, it makes sense that after getting to age 45 I am ready to tell all women how to live their adult life.
To be clear, I have made lots of mistakes. But I like to think I would not have made those mistakes if I had had a blueprint for adult life like the one I’m giving you, right here. The blueprint starts at age 18 and goes to 45.
1. Do less homework.
Women do better in school than men, but school is not a harbinger of doing well in life. Other stuff is. Other stuff that men do all the time. For example, involvement in sports is a foreshadow of a great career. And video games are, too, because they are both collaborative and competitive–two essential skills. So do stuff guys do, and get grades that are as bad as theirs–after all, you should not be the hardest worker, ever.
2. Get plastic surgery.
This is the must-have career tool for the workforce of the new millennium. You will earn more money and you will have more opportunities for mentoring. Also, you will have a wider choice of men, which, of course, is another way to earn more money.
3. Go to business school right out of the gate.
Everyone has always wanted to go to business school right after college, but good MBA programs didn’t allow it. Now there is an unwritten rule that women can get in earlier because it’s so clear that women who want to have kids don’t really benefit from going to an MBA program later. If you get your MBA early, you accomplish a few key things. Not only do you set yourself up for skipping entry-level jobs, but you also make re-entry after kids an easier process because you have higher level experience before you leave.
On top of that, you are more likely to marry well. Men like women who are smart but not making more than they are. (I do not have a link for this. I have instinct.) Business school is a way to show you are smart, but you don’t make any money in business school. Side benefit: You will be surrounded by men equally as smart as you are but a little older, which is a good hunting ground. (Note: I still think business school is stupid if you are using it to actually become qualified to do something.)
4. Start early looking for a husband seriously.
If you want to have kids, you should aim to be done by the time you are 35, when your eggs start going bad fast. This means you need to get started when you are 30, which means you need to get the guy you want to have kids with by the time you’re 28. People who marry too early are very likely to get divorced. But by age 25, you are safe from those statistical trends. So why not marry early? In any case, start looking very seriously for a husband by the time you are 24. Here is a blog post that summarizes this argument and links to the research to back it up.
5. Milk maternity leave for all it’s worth.
Maternity leave is a complicated political issue, but whatever: For now, it’s your right, so just take what’s yours. Use all your maternity leave, and then make it very difficult to fire you when you return. Start a year before you want to get pregnant, by getting a job at a company that legally must give you maternity leave. I’m not saying you HAVE to take maternity leave, but if you don’t have any, you can’t decide to take it. Position yourself at that company in a job you can do with your eyes closed, in case you want to go back after maternity leave and work. Because if you are taking care of a newborn baby and working full-time, you’ll be doing everything with your eyes closed.
There is an incredible amount of research to show that there should be a single, primary caregiver for the first year. I know that’s not good for feminism. But none of this post is. So look, unless your husband is taking a year off, you’re better off spending most of your time on your kid and not your job. The way to do that is to take all the maternity leave you can and then keep pushing for people to let you keep your job even if you’re not really doing it. Make them fire you. It’ll take their legal department a long time to give permission for that, and you can be collecting a paycheck the whole time. The extra cash can fund the rest of your transition.
6. Guard your marriage obsessively.
Educated women divorce at less than a quarter of the rate of everyone else. Divorce is not socially acceptable for most women reading this blog. We have decades of great data (read Judith Wallerstein) to show that divorce permanently ruins the kids. Yes, it’s true, divorce makes life better for the parents. But kids don’t care. They don’t notice. Kids notice if two parents are paying attention to them, and that is one of the first things to go in a divorce. If you love your kids, you stay married to their parent.
This means that the wife needs to just bite the bullet and maintain the marriage. Stay-at-home spouses keep marriages together more effectively . I know: this is not popular, and not fair, but you do not need to make a crusade out of your family by showing that you can get a divorce and not fuck up your kids. So just bite the bullet and make sure you are keeping your husband happy so your kids can grow up with two parents.
7. Practice austerity.
Austerity is not fun. But you can call it something trendy, like minimalism or slow food.Your ability to manage your life will be nil if you are ruled by financial problems. So that means no big house, no expensive car, no huge vacations. You need control over your life more than you need that stuff. You have more career flexibility, more time flexibility, and more personal flexibility if you can keep your expenses way below what you earn. In this scenario, you do not have to fight with your husband about money. (You can fight about sex and in-laws, which are the other two of the three most popular fight topics.) Also, you can stay home with kids if you want to. And if you don’t want to, you can just be you and admit it. Don’t say you are not with your kids all day because you need the money. That would be a lie.
8. Do a startup with a guy.
Having your own company will give you tons of control over your life. It’s nice to have a funded company because then the investors are taking the financial risk and you are drawing a nice salary even when you are not really earning any revenue. The problem is that VC funded startups require 100+ hour weeks, every week. You should only do one of these types of companies with a guy.
Smart women in their 20s are looking for husbands and cannot be 100% focused on some pie-in-the-sky startup. Women in their 30s are having kids and trying to figure out how to work less. Men are more easily focused solely on work. That’s why there is a salary gap between men and women: Because women focus on work and family, and men focus only on work. Don’t judge. Just get a male business partner. The problem is that men don’t like doing startups with women—it’s bad for them. But still, you can try.
9. If you can’t get men to do a startup with you, do a lifestyle business.
A lifestyle business is one where the revenue is yours to keep. This is good since you will need to earn money, but it’s a little more risky for you personally than a startup because you’re not in it with deep-pocketed investors. Still, a lifestyle business is attractive enough to a woman with kids and a hankering for something interesting in the business world. Also, given the choice between no work, full-time work, or part-time work, Pew Research reports that 80% of women with children would choose part-time work. And we all know that the part-time work opportunities in corporate America suck. So a lifestyle business is the best path to that goal.
10. Homeschool. Your kids will be screwed if you don’t.
The world will not look kindly on people who put their kids into public school. We all know that learning is best when it’s customized to the child and we all know that public schools are not able to do that effectively. And the truly game-changing private schools cost $40,000 a year.
It’s clear is that homeschooled kids will rule the world when Generation Z enters the workplace. So figure out a way to alleviate mommy guilt by homeschooling your kids to get them on that path. You don’t have to do the teaching yourself. You can pay someone. But you need to get your kids out of a system that everyone knows does not work. (Note: I just realized this. This month. And last week, I decided: I’m taking my kids out of school.)
11. Spend money on household help and Botox to keep more doors open longer.
Look, it’s really hard to be a parent and still have an interesting life. Not for men. We have seen enough of feminism to be certain that men are not derailed personally by kids. (In fact, Catalyst reports that having kids increases a man’s earning power. Probably because he is then more likely to have a wife at home inadvertently performing the role of pseudo personal secretary. ) So the more money to spend to get people to help you with your kids, the more time and energy you’ll have to help yourself.
Also, as women age they become more invisible. I know, this is not nice to say. And we are told it’s only true in Hollywood. But since when has something that catches on in Hollywood not been relevant to the rest of us? Even pre-nups went mainstream. So the longer you can look younger than 45 the longer runway time you will have to figure out how to raise kids, hold a marriage together and still keep things vibrant and interesting intellectually. It’s no small feat, but Botox and Restylane will be your best teammates in this part of the adventure.
12. Break the mold in your 40s.
Women get more unhappy as they age. So you can say you don’t like the advice I’m giving. But look, in order to change the trajectory of women’s happiness, we are going to have to drastically change the advice we give to women about how to run their lives. Most of the news about women in their 40s is pretty bad, to be honest. But the good news is that you can change that, by living differently in your 20s and 30s than women did before you. And, if you are in your 40s and reading this, take solace in the fact that by the time women are in their 40s they are great in bed, so if you do nothing else, figure out how to have a lot of sex to leverage your hard-earned talent
I’m nearly 55 and it seems that in addition to being invisible, I might as well put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, because I have NO value in this world whatsoever.
Plus, that poll citing older women’s unhappiness. Bullshit. Every woman I know might kevetch about the invisible factor, might mourn their post-menopausal weight gain, and make jokes about their wrinkles, however, they are MUCH happier as people. They have a firm grasp on who they are. They have financial, political, and social savvy. And more importantly, they are past the point where they don’t need their marriage to validate them (ahem, how many of your bulletpoints are about being validated by men). Are they married? Yes. Are they happily married? Some are, some aren’t. But to a woman they have a resiliency and sense of self-worth outside of their marriage.
I’m truly curious how you are going to deal with aging, because there is such bias in this “blueprint” against aging. It’s going to happen, baby, and no amount of portfolios and botox and restalayne or whatever mumbo-jumbo the pharmas come up with is going to change that. I think you need another blueprint. The one for the 50-something who has spent thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and gimmicks to stop herself from aging so that her husband won’t leave her, and, wow, the husband leaves her anyway because it seems they have a marriage founded on they look like. No amount of pharma can compete with a 25-year old if the “blueprint” is looks.
Penelope,
When you are driving around thinking all these things, do people ask you why you are making ‘the angry face’?
My daughter asks me this all the time, and I never know what to say, mostly because it breaks my train of thought.
Cheers,
Polly
“men don’t like doing startups with women – it’s bad for them”
Most men instinctively know this. But thanks for saying out the non-PC truth for those young dudes who don’t know better.
Fantastic and useful post even for men who are often so clueless about how women’s minds work.
Do you realize that this article scores alarmingly high on the psychopathology test?– Yes, I second this.
Wow, way to wrap up life nicely and tie it in a bow. Really? This is almost a Draconian list for women. I really think this list is damaging for a lot of young women to read– start looking for a husband by age 24?? Um, not everybody WANTS a husband, at age 24 or ever. Some people don’t date men period. This list is a great way to have a nervous breakdown and end up on meds and in therapy for most of your adult life. Unless you’re a seriously Type A person, then perhaps this would benefit you. Yikes.
Uh, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Everyone who has expressed outraged over the advice to look for a husband early seems to be totally overlooking the “if” to that “then” in the statement… IF you wants kids, THEN start looking for a husband early. Are people reading with their eyes closed?? (And if you are not into men, the reverse surely would be to find a woman to date seriously and get established to make it easier for you to adopt if you want kids. That is a long, expensive and sometimes heart-wrenching process– I have two adopted brothers.)
My husband worked for a start up that was the brain child of a woman. She got several rounds of venture capital funding and was involved in the growth of the company and original product development. She is now onto her third startup. I admire her a lot and most of the employees working for her company did too.
Related to plastic surgery and Botox … I’m surprised you forgot to mention HRT, hormone replacement therapy … keeps ya HOT!
there is no blueprint for any life. not for men and not for women. This blueprint offered here fits the middle ages, and went out of date a while ago. Now, it is valid for some but not for others, valid for those who choose to go down this path. And no, this is not how women’s minds work. There is no such thing as a women’s mind or a men’s mind, the variability between men’e and women’s behavior is about as large as the variability within each group.
Brilliant job reframing the criticisms. Not surprising because you often demonstrate serious intelligence which is why you’re public schools are bad, private are great, and homeschooling is the best of all options is so surprisingly simplistic. I know public school bashing is in, but news flash, there’s an unevenness among public schools. Some are truly outstanding and better than the typical private. You often write about the importance of interpersonal intelligence, yet seemingly want to limit kids opportunities to interact with peers different than them. Doesn’t add up.
Or…
1. find a man that is crazy about you and competent at home
2. make sure he knows you are uncompromising about not being the primary homemaker or the primary caregiver of small children
3. stick to your guns
4. enjoy life
Companionship from someone you love who loves you does indeed make everything 10x better. But I don’t see how you find that using your list.
Addendum.
I want both husband and kids – so in that sense I fit into the kind of woman you are talking about. But I would sacrifice having both husband and kids if I had to in order to avoid being a primary caregiver for an infant. Which is why I’ve set up my life in such a way that I have numerous options – a husband who is on board, several other family members and the ability to hire help.
You can have anything you want if you are willing to fight for it. That includes a fair marriage. An interesting life. And a life as a woman who values family but does not center it in her daily life – I know some amazing dads who work and have a hobby – no one, literally no one would ever say they don’t value their families , they are wonderful parents – I just want the same kind of life as them.
I realize that you felt driven to stay home with your kids and still are – and society provides enough support to make you think that this is a standard emotion so it’s understandable why you think the average woman feels the same way. It is not. Some women share it but many many do not.
The real problem with this post is that it regurgitates really old really repetitive advice that I’ve been hearing for twenty years and claims to be new and provocative and brave – um, it’s identical to Cosmo magazine.
I’m also 45 and there are some days I feel the exact same way and could have written the exact same advice….however, writing is not my “thing”….wish I would have known better, however, I won’t be giving these exact words of advice to my 11 yr old daughter, but it will be very similar.
But not the botox/plastic surgery part…it will be what I did…sunscreen since 16 and no smoking…the one thing I did do right so I still look about 10 years younger than my peers.
A little more disgusted with life, a little more hopeless after reading this. I can surely agree that my years of studying and homework and 99th percentiles landed me nowhere as a 31 y/o single woman with no decent job prospects. Maybe if I’d forced myself to play sports I could’ve gained comfort as a bully or a star. Those people seem to excel in the workplace.
I don’t see how home-schooling kids will prepare them for a world that doesn’t give a f*** about making sure each person gets their individual needs met. How does that teach them to function in a world of a-holes that they’ve never been forced to cope with before?
I don’t see how home-schooling kids will prepare them for a world that doesn’t give a f*** about making sure each person gets their individual needs met.
Since you’d be the one homeschooling them, why don’t you teach them that?
I can’t say I agree with the plastic surgery suggestion (why not just take care of yourself via exercise, diet, and dress well, etc to keep up your looks?). But I agree with most everything else, though I can’t speak from experience, being 25 myself.
And as usual you just say what you think, Penelope. You’ve got moxie and I love it.
Penelope!
What is the median age of your readership? I am guessing it’s not 18. I hypothesize that this would have been a more helpful article if your road-map had started at age 25 or 30.
Because right now instead of helping, it’s probably just mostly causing anxiety.
Anyway, I like lists and am a man, so I enjoyed it.
This was interesting. I guess I would sum up your blueprint theme as ‘be strategic’. Which is something I’ve been drilling into the college aged kids in my family. Decide what you want and then create a strategy, don’t just drift from class to class.
On the kid front, I would have included something about financial preparations for having a family. Our baby is almost 4 and I’m still reeling from sticker shock. The reality is our society does the bare minimum to support families and money buys you respite to keep you sane in those early years.
Wannabe parents need around $1200-$1500 a month for the first few years to cover childcare, babysitting, food, clothing and medical care.
Your post was very marriage aggressive and I would have opted to focus more on finance. The austerity bit was not even close to being enough.
I like the advice to have a job you can do in your sleep once the kids come. Soooo true. I worked with hazmats as a manager and after not sleeping for three days due to a sick infant, I quit because I was literally afraid I would blow something up.
The 10 weeks I worked after maternity leave? The baby was only well enough for daycare for 5 of those weeks. Insanity.
M
I agree about skipping the entry level jobs. Entry level jobs are ridiculous, soul-sucking wastes of time. The market is so flooded with degree holders, and most companies in corporate America are set up with such stupid, nonsensical, crushing bureaucracy, that there is no way to advance unless you want to adhere to the archaic “pay your dues for ten years” method. I made many of the mistakes you mentioned to avoid in this post and really wish I hadn’t. If I had read this 10 years earlier I could have been on a better course.
This post deals with the fact that women really haven’t come as far as we think we have and it says to work to be happy within the reality instead of the fantasy. Refreshing.
That said, the reality isn’t looking so great. So, perhaps, as a society, harmony and happiness shouldn’t be our goal. Perhaps real equality should be. Just because we are not where our mothers hoped we would be let’s not stop fighting the good fight.
I never tell my daughters the lie that they can be anything they want to be. But I tell them to keep trying and they will be further along than I am.
Having been around the block a few times, I have learned that the blueprint for a rewarding life looks more like this:
1. Discover what makes you really, really happy, fulfilled, loved, accepted, stimulated and content. This can change over time.
2. Do as much of that as possible.
ROFL
Hi Penelope,
from a male perspective, I think your post should read “blueprint for a woman’s career”, but not life. You post suggests money is the only main thing out there. I don´t think it´s healthy to suggest that.
2, 4, 7, 8, 9 and 11 seem superfluous if a woman has succeeded in marrying a rich and successful man, as your blueprint seems to suggest is the primary goal.
Since some studies suggest that nice guys finish last or make less than their more ruthless counterparts (http://business.financialpost.com/2011/08/17/can-it-be-that-the-not-so-nice-finish-first/), maybe keeping an oar in the workforce is worthwhile in case said ruthless husband jumps ship for the buxom secretary?
On the other hand, perhaps you’d argue that plastic surgery could be a tool for keeping a marriage together. In that case, perhaps a nice, firm set of DDs would prevent the above scenario, thereby paying dividends.
Live in TX and still completely disagree w/ #2. Yoga, a good haircut and sunscreen take you further.
But # 1 is interesting and intersects with a discussion I had with a friend recently. Why don’t girls who excel in school do well at work?
http://repletelife.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-dont-smart-girls-succeed-in-work.html
Hi Sue,
Your blog post nails it. In university, I became friends with a lot of girls fresh from privilege and fancy private schools. They were disciplined and got great grades but meh …. we’re heading towards 30 and they are seriously floundering in their careers. Not that I’m doing awesome, but at least I can hold down a career-type job instead of flitting around…
AND also in my class was a girl who cried in 1st year (freshman year) when we got our first calculus report back and she got *only* got an 84%. LOL I laughed and hugged her. Having come from a rough childhood, I felt like telling her “honey, in life you will experience worse things than an 84% in calc.”
Thank you for this piece. I only wish I could tattoo the entire message on my body without it being a disadvantage in the corporate world.
xoxoxo to you.
Kept me laughing. Thanks!
I am curious: where do you get the information that girls who do well in school do not succeed? A few commenters have also mentioned it, and I simply do not see where it is coming from.
Oh if far more women would just flat out communicate the truth the best way you do, ladies throughout would be improved off. No political correctness, just the bottom line fact. Many thanks for carrying out this. I usually get pleasure from reading your web site.
this post did not sit well with me, but mostly because of the botox and plastic surgery. thumbs down on that advice.
however, with slight tweaks, i did every single other thing on this list and i’m an extremely happy woman in her mid-40s.
tweak: didn’t do my homework, but instead of participating in sports, worked during college. gave me a huge advantage.
tweak: didn’t go to b school right out of the gate, but started my first company right out of the gate, immediately after graduating from college.
got married at 22. had no maternity leave. guarded my marriage obsessively. practiced austerity.
tweak: when i did my start-up, the “guy” i did it with was my husband, who could work to support us and then do stuff for me for free. highly, highly recommend this approach. nerdy guys are having a moment right now – find a cute one who can program stuff for you. you get to keep control of the company, too.
homeschooled.
confused re: keeping doors open. if you do everything else right, you don’t need anyone else to open a door for you.
“break the mold in your 40s”. nothing that follows this heading has anything to do with breaking the mold. how are you recommending women break the mold if they’re kowtowing to social/male/sexual pressure to look fake-younger?
if you do everything else right – get married, stay married, have children, do great work, save money – then you really can break the mold in your 40s. you’re still young, you have time to exercise and eat right, you have money in the bank, you have a secure relationship, and your kids are self-learning geniuses. now you can do whatever the hell you want to do. start a business, travel, retire early, learn new things, write a book – sky’s the limit.
maybe you can mentor some young women and encourage them not to inject poison into themselves to try to please someone else’s idea of what looks good and instead get smart and take control of their lives early.
Penelope, I have a lot of respect for your willingness to open yourself up to criticism and do the controversial thing, But is this honest?
It seems like pre-packaged crap dredged up to make people mad. I’m all for rabel-rousing, but Jesus let’s talk about something real. Let’s talk about the why’s. Strong and intelligent women need ways to circumvent this crap, not buy into it.
I’m a young woman in my early twenties who reads your blog regularly, and I could use some real advice.
Here’s some advice, in no particular order:
1) Be kind to yourself. Even when you are down on yourself, figure out ways to be kind to yourself. This is the most important piece of advice.
2) Accept yourself and your own limitations. Learn to work within those limitations, rather than wasting time fighting against them.
3) Be exceedingly careful about who you choose to marry. This is the single most important decision you will make in your life – it has the ability to make your life alot easier or to cause it major damage (and damage kids as wel). So date jerks, sleep with jerks (reliable birth control) – but watch out who you marry. If you’ve made a bad choice and it’s not getting better despite your best efforts, leave. Yes, you and others will pay a price, but no-one deserves a life of suffering. Hopefully you won’t need this.
4) When are depressed or anxious, be aware that this is a part of life for many people (especially women – men get angry, women get depressed). Accept it and refer back to rule number one.
5) Have faith that you will always have a roof over your head and enough food to eat that you won’t starve. Overcoming this fear allows you to weather alot of the ups and downs that life serves you.
6) Take a moment to experience the moment. It’s all that life guarantees you.
7) Appreciate relationships more than things. Your bestie may likely still be in your life twenty years from now (if you put effort into the relationship) – that car, or that flat likely won’t be.
8) Avoid addictions – smoking, drinking, extreme overeating, unprotected sex… These things will seriously cramp your style. If you have an addiction, work on it – it’s worth it.
9) Let go of trying to control other people, or trying to change them. Instead, figure out solutions that are about things that you can do (like avoiding people or situations that you don’t like – learn to say ‘no’, ‘no thank you’, ‘sorry but I decline’, ‘that is not okay with me’, ‘I’m going to have to leave if you do that’, etc).
10) Give yourself a hug. Then give someone else a hug. Look out for ways to help other people (even a kind word to a stranger) – it makes your life alot more pleasant, and theirs as well.
11) If you have kids – enjoy them, they can be lots of fun. Don’t try to overly control them, just set your limits (‘in my house, this is what is okay’) and be a good example. Talk to them alot.
All the best!
12) And as much as possible, make fun a regular part of your life. This will be a gift not only to you, but to those around you.
13) Have dreams – don’t depend on them to come true (they may and they may not) – but have them anyway, and take small or large steps towards them in your life (example, if you love art, you may not wind up to be Rembrandt, but you can and should take that painting class.. and do so now, not when you are 85…)
Do something you love, marry your best friend, value your friends.
Interesting read. But overall, I would say that the advice is bad. Perhaps this is how YOU would have lived your life….if YOU had to do it all over again…but it these bullet points are hardly applicable to the majority of women.
But I do agree that feminism and the institution of marriage have a distorted view in most people’s minds today. Marriage is about building a home…a life. It’s not some sort of social prize that you obtain once you reach a certain age. Trivilizing marriage makes it expendable…and destroys the home you were suppossed to build for your children (if you had them). I was raised by two surrogates, my maternal Grandparents, so thankfully, I have no concept of growing up in a broken home. But it can’t be good.
I myself am 32, and while I had the hope of getting married in my 20s, I wasn’t taking dating and man-searching seriously. Now that I am, I discovered that it’s not too hard…once you open yourself up to the possibility and learning how to compromise.
The solution is super clear for those who don’t want this blueprint:
1. Do not have kids.
2. Do not believe that marriage = happiness. Come’on people.
3. Move out of the mediocre North American life. In fact, stay away from most of the Anglo world.
This post is not intended to be sarcastic. You really can avoid tons of crap with the 3 steps above. Peace.
I love this post, like all others. I have bookmarked the site/link and keep coming back to catch up with new posts.
I am happy without an bachelor’s degreee or MBA for now. This blog is informative and heartwarming.
I have no doubt it resonates with quiet a huge community of your readers.
The advice is a mixture of good and bad. The good advice is what women should do if they want to be mothers. The bad advice is everything else. You can’t do everything on that list. It is impossible. Pick one or the other. If you want the career track, go for it, but if you want kids, the only thing you should do by 24 is get your degree, find a husband, and start having them by 26 thru 28. The MBA and startup advice is useless. They will delay the time you might have kids and they will definitely put you in BIG TIME student load debt. In this economy, you cannot acquire more burdens with the expectation that you will ever pay back your investments. A guy won’t want to marry you with such contradictory goals.
Congrats for doing your bit to nudge up the deplorably low fertility rate of high-ability women, thus retarding (even if only by a teensy bit) this country’s insidious slide into idiocracy.
You should never be the hardest worker–ever? Really? Are you talking about pacing yourself? Or are you talking about NOT being an over-achiever?
I understand about staying in your marriage despite the fact that it may not meet your original expectations . . . I’m not talking about staying in an abusive marriage . . . That is different.
Your remarks about austerity link to your remarks about staying in your marriage, to my mind. You are saying that we should be willing/learn to face some austerity, and take some austerity measures.
In general, I see your recommendations as a blueprint for playing the game. Some responses are saying that it is disingenuous to play the game; but realistically, we all have to play the game in whatever situation we find ourselves in. Part is compromise. Part is just being savvy and biding one’s time.
You set yourself up for your shot . . . like in volleyball.
You guard and pass, like in basketball. You put on some protective gear, as in Tae Kwon Do.
This might be one of the shallowest articles I’ve ever read.
“5. Milk maternity leave for all it’s worth.”
…which is why male executives, if asked in confidence, will NEVER hire a 28-year-old woman, no matter how qualified, over a 28-year-old man.
I’m no longer running in the corporate hamster-wheel, so I can be honest about this, but men resent, bitterly, how women can take advantage of the system without suffering any professional ill-effects — while it’s the MEN who have to pick up the slack while their female coworkers are exercising their birth canals (at full pay), and then expect to come back to work as though nothing has happened.
This is also why there’s a salary gap between men and women. If we’re looking at this like a business (and Penelope, you are entitled to do so), just understand that from a corporate perspective, it’s not only wrong to hire someone who’s going to disappear for a couple of years at full salary, it’s contrary to the shareholders’ interests. In fact, in my executive years, I would have fired the person making that hiring decision, because they had just proved that they were not acting in the best interests of the corporation. You want to take pregnancy leave? Start your own company with your freshly-minted MBA, then take off all the time you want.
Here’s my take: you CAN’T have it all, baby. The cost to industry of these stupid enforced pregnancy leave laws has been incalculable, and productivity has taken a punch to the stomach — all so that Mommy can fulfill her maternal instinct at someone else’s expense.
Now, on to a more pleasant topic: you’re absolutely right about homeschooling, Penelope. We homeschooled our kids, and they are at least four years ahead of their contemporaries in terms of learning, smarts and maturity. Their biggest complaint in freshman- and sophomore years was boredom, and impatience with the pace of instruction. My son had to “repeat” college algebra (I’d let him learn math at his own pace, so he reached the equivalent of two semesters of college algebra by age 17), and he was ready to scream, he was so bored.
Best of all was that our kids (since graduated, btw) knew how to learn, and how to listen, and how to obey what the professors told them to do. 3.8 GPAs and merit scholarships soon followed.
Homeschooling is not only the better way; it’s the ONLY way for kids to become educated. Just do it on your own dime, not someone else’s.
@ Kim:
Your contradictory advice about maternity leave seems short-sighted. Into the future, society will need people who were raised attentively and nurtured well. You want those people, who have had a sound foundation, as workers in your corporation. So, set it up: give the longer maternity leaves with a generous spirit, knowing that you are setting up for a better future.
I’m guessing that the kids who went into attack mode in Great Britain, burning London and its surrounds, and in Milwaukee’s State Fair Park did not have the sound foundation, the early nurturing . . . I know the acting out is/was multi-factorial, but I think how you were raised from infancy is one of those factors.
Kim, you are a clear example of the perils of home schooling.
Someone should have given me this list when I was 18.
Penelope, how can you advise people to take advice from you when you have not taken it yourself? You said that doing other things didn’t work out for you so you’re providing alternatives. But, maybe if had the opportunity to take the advice you are giving it would not have worked out for you either.
I would kill myself it this was my blueprint.
If I wanted one, it would go like this: 1. always think of yourself as “awesome”. 2. Figure out what is it you are on this planet to give. 3. Get so obsessed with it to the point where you don’t give a s…t whether you’re ugly or beautiful, married or single, rich or poor, young or old. And watch your kids look up to you and your husband or whatever you have for a partner (if you have one at all) adore you.
And yes, home-school your kids.
So I have to wonder how you pride yourself on being a member of the female race when you basically bash woman in this article. I have an MBA and I can speak for thousands of other successful business woman when I tell you a Masters degree is nothing but helpful! Clearly you are not highly educated, or religious for that matter. What gives you the right to basically tell woman to spend money on botox and plastic surgery to make themselves more successful and in essence, likeable?! I have nothing to say to you other than you truly disgust me. The need to change yourself and the mindset that you will be better in life is so absurd and your ugliness and unsuccessful life is not attributed to everyone else nor make you an expert in the field of human descencey or morals. And “biting the bullet to save a marriage” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! What makes woman have to save it? If both the man and woman are not happy, yes it will affect the children but it will affect them even more if they stay together for pure shits and giggles. You are incredibly repulsive to read and anyone following these “guidelines” and liking this article is just as messed in the head. Whatever happened to you as a child to make you so synical? You dont deserve to be a woman!
I am 38 + married + mother + biz owner, and I don’t get this point of view at all. I will never get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery is gross. I feel kind of sorry for those who have obviously given in and gone under the cosmetic knife. Why would you inject poison into your body? I don’t care if later on I seem “invisible” in the eyes of marketers, men looking for a fling, etc.–I don’t require being the center of attention all the time. I will continue doing what I love professionally, maintaining my relationships with the people who matter to me, eating right and exercising regularly. And hopefully I will not succumb to the typical aging-related anxiety that a lot of women experience.
Let us know how it’s going in 20 years. Honestly, as you are only 38, it is really too early for you to say.
Betty you do have a point about me not being old enough to really know yet. But for now I am determined to stick to my principles, which includes not reading any trash magazines, avoiding reality TV shows, not putting toxic things into my body (when it’s in my control), avoiding comparing myself to other people (especially physical appearance) and doing what I can to lead a healthy lifestyle. Also keeping things in perspective (how many of us have friends who are struggling with cancer, for example?) I believe these things will make a difference as I grow older.
Hilarious! You are too much, Penelope! I did everything the opposite of your advice and I have none of the problems or issues you suggest! I’m making way more than my husband and he stayed home with the babies while he was grad school and my career took off and now we’re both happily employed, own a house, 2 great kids, etc.
Again: I did the *opposite* of everything you suggest!!
Oh dear. If you all want to beat yourselves in the process of fitting into someone’s ‘blueprint’, then by all means go ahead.
My condolences to anyone who is made to feel as if they are inadequate or less of a person because they did not marry or have children, due to pressure from other women or their communities at large.
I read the other day that 52% of all adults are married, in contrast to 72% in the 1960’s. http://awesome.good.is/transparency/web/1101/marriage/flash.html. Look at the study and judge for yourselves.
Ask yourselves if 48% of the adult population is unhappy or suffer moral failure because they are single or divorced.
Get married if you want. Get married early if you want. But please STOP trying to convince other people to feel that they are doomed if they don’t.
As for the blanket statements on plastic surgery and homeschooling…WTH.
Great advice Penny.
All of it, especially the homeschooling of kids part, applies even moreso to minorities. If my kids were not homeschooled… http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/african_american_homeschooling/111986
“Although black children have statistically lagged far behind their peers of other races in various school settings; be it public, private, or charter schools, statistics show that they fare on par with their white counterparts when home schooled.”
The other information is great too, but it all suggests one thing, male or female put your family first.
@ Dale: Correlation does not indicate causation. It’s not “because they are home-schooled”, but other variables that cause those results.
Passing by,
While “Correlation does not indicate causation” if those variables that matter are all related to home schooling then…
More attention in the classroom, a curriculum more tailored to your strengths and weaknesses, more parental attention, less negative external influencers,etc.
I speak from the standpoint of having experienced excellent results, not hypothesis…
@ Dale – that’s not the point. The type of African American parents that DECIDE to home-schooled is the key variable.
I bet the parents that home-school are more educated, and may have a higher income than the median African American family.
And of course, this is assuming that both parents share the same ethnic group. In my case: husband is “white”, children look “white”, so I don’t know what that study would classify my family.
Passing by,
Intuitively your argument makes sense, unfortunately they aren’t borne out in real life. At the home schooling group which I participate in, there is a large proportion of black kids from homes that are lower middle income and below. My household income is considered below the poverty level by the US government, and while I do have a masters level edu. most of my friends do not even have first degrees.
My eldest daughter (who’s never been to out-school) is going to college on academic scholarships and loans as I can’t help her.
The only correlation among us is that we know that the public school system in our area is inferior to what a caring parent can provide. Also with the option of E-schools with curricular provided by K12, I just help my kids understand the material, I do not create or source it.
Our friends are not particularly religious, we live in the midwest, and half of us are foreign born.
It shouldn’t work, but it does.
@ Dale – good points and congratulations. But when you said “Caring Parents”-you hit it right there.When I said “educated”, I didn’t mean academically. Parents that prioritize education isthe common link; not the home-schooling. Your daughter would have achieve these results in public or private school, but mainly, because of the network you mentioned, and more than anything, because her parents CARED.
Your examples are more for upward mobile families; and in that case, ethnic group doesn’t have much to do.
Now are there any examples from families in the inner city, with mainly one parent/grandparent households who work 12 hours a day (good luck in “helping understand” the materiak), living with food stamps, rounding meals with the school lunch; and surrounded by loud music and drug dealers?
The challenge is to have successful cases of homeschooled children. And that, I doubt it.
BTW0 – I’m also foreign-born, and my grandmother was tutored (typical in the old country), so my problem is not with the home-schooling methodology, but the conclusion of the study you mentioned.
@ Passing by
I wish it were so simple. Most parents care, unfortunately, it often comes down to what we expose our kids to or what comes at them from outside. Some of the parents in my group are single, most are not. Some are grandparents raising the kids of their own children who fell through the cracks. Hindsight is a bear, but really helps when raising your second batch of kids…
Money helps alot, but lifestyle control helps most.
I find that the single most important factor connecting my group is the sense that we must guard the hearts and minds of our children actively. Children need to be protected and raised, not left to forage physically or psychologically.
Kids love parents no matter what, but they appreciate parents who, rich or poor, set standards and maintain them. Perhaps that’s what connects homeschoolers who do not do it strictly for religious reasons.
Few of the homeschoolers I know are what you’d consider upwardly mobile, but that may just be the circles I operate within.
@ Dale – thanks for a civilized debate. See – caring parents is what makes the difference; homeschooling is just a reflection of that.
Homeschooling may be a solution for some specific families in some specific environments; that’s all.
Again, thanks for your answers. It’s so refreshing having a productive debate online without emotional outbursts.
Have a great weekend
@ Passing by – I appreciated the civil discourse too.
The plastic surgery comment irks me as a woman of colour and i’ll let you think about that for a moment. I hear you worrying that the life you’ve built and it’s architectural imprint on your face is betraying more insecurities than you care to admit. But i wouldn’t trade those impenetrable, complicated lines so quickly and for so little ROI. You know, i think they’re a kind of camoflage.
Anyway, this is a blueprint for creating a lifestyle that is sustainable over time. And isn’t that the singular value of mediocrity? There’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t go telling all of our secrets now.
Wouldn’t this “Blueprint” carry more weight and credibility if the writer had successfully run a business, was financially secure, had a happy marriage to a wealthy man and was actively home schooling her own children? Just asking. Lol.
@ Sandy:
No. It is reversals and mistakes that give credibility. The lessons learned from mistakes are head-and-shoulders above in value, compared to the credibility of successes, IMO.
@Chris I don’t know Chris. If I were to follow a “Blueprint for Women” I think I’d like it to be written by someone who had successfully followed all of the steps and was happy. Even if they had experienced failure (which most of us have) I would like to see proof of the BluePrint points in their own lives.
Penelope, I love this, love your blog, love how riled up people get by your blunt perspectives. I think half the reason they do get riled up is that the truth hurts sometimes, reality is what it is. And for god sakes people stop taking this for more than what it is! Lighten up!
I’ve read this blog for years now and never posted. On one hand, I see what Penelope is trying to do here and how her points reflect back on her own previous experiences and realizations. And for that, it’s helpful.
But I take issue with the fact that somehow women are magically able to ‘snag’ husbands by age 30. From the get-go, I have wanted to get married, wanted to have kids, and do it at a younger age. I’d like to think I’m fairly attractive, have a grad degree and an excellent-yet-flexible career that allows me to meet tons of people. I’ve had long term relationships throughout my 20s and into my 30s, but none have produced a marriage proposal or a husband. I’m 35, I know my ‘clock is ticking’…and I just don’t get what one is supposed to do if you haven’t found the baby daddy yet.
In some previous post, P’s response to women is that we just need to get to the gym and a husband will magically appear. But what if it doesn’t work that way for you, even with the best of plans and intentions?
The blueprint, while helpful, just simply isn’t as easy or feasible as it looks, sorry.
Sophie Tucker said:
From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents
From 18 to 35 she needs good looks
From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality
And from 55 on she needs cash.
I still remember the first time the cashier looked at me completely differently — with a look that said “OLD person, ick!” — and it took me a while, later on, to figure out what that look was.
I’m 55. You described my life to a T, except instead of MBA got MD at 23,
so all done with training and buffing CV by 28.
Sounds rather cold to read it in print— and not a second of it was pre-planned—
but boy, did it work for me, my children, and (I hope!) their father, who is still my spouse.
Can’t imagine being happier.
(Well, a grandchild or two soon would be great…)
Wow! First time in your blog and it really rocks! Luv the post and even thou lot of it is hard (and true), I like how you managed to make it funny…
Very well done! But i feel there are more than 12 advice you could write.Please, write a follow up blueprint