How to look like things are great
Look at this picture. I love this picture. I am carefree, pulled together, and a little bit like a farmer but not too much.
I keep thinking I want to put this picture online. And then I think, I can't. I'm too sad. I need a picture of me moping.
This feeling reminds me of when I was younger, it was very hard for me to get a job, and also hard for me to keep one. I was job hunting all the time.
Job hunting is an insane way to live. You are a depressed, scared, unemployed person and the key to getting out of it is to make yourself into a happy, confident, go-getter.
When I was job hunting, I had tricks for giving myself confidence. I'd try to schedule interviews in the late morning. This would give me time to get my spririts up, but it would not require me holding them up for too long — for say, an end-of-the-day interview.
Other stuff I would do that works:
Go to the gym. The emotional boost you get from the gym can last a few hours if you work out hard enough. When I'm at the gym to change my mood, I do intervals.
Shower and put on makeup right away so that I know the day is serious and there's no crying.
Don't eat. If you don't eat, you are happier. This is not true for people who are starving and dragging themselves across the desert in search of a refugee camp. You know that. But you might not have known that being hungry helps you focus and connect with other people. It's probably a survival instinct. If you don't have berries you have to get someone in the group to give you berries. (Which, come to think of it, is not far from the workplace interview situation.)
I am trying to remind myself that I am great at turning things around. Every time I thought my life was hopeless and I'd never get a job and I'd never be happy again, I’d always get a job. Eventually. And things would turn around. At least for a little.
Today, when work isn't going well, I have this magic place I can go in my head where I just trust that things will work out. I will figure out a better way to make money, I will find someone I want as a business partner. People will forget that I did something stupid. These are things I tell myself.
The most powerful career tool I have is faith in myself. It allows me to move through ups and downs with the grace I did not have when I was younger.
But I don't have that with my personal life. You know that feeling you have that you are going to die if you don't get a job? That's what I have almost every day living with the Farmer.
Some days are good. And I try to write about those days. I want to show you the same optimism with my personal life that I have with my career.
But I actually feel hopeless. I have that feeling I used to have when I was unemployed. Like I wished the world would end. I think I am not alone — other people have this feeling when they are unemployed. But people do not talk like this when they are unemployed because they'll never get hired.
I know that if I don’t do anything to make a change, then nothing will change. So today I decide that we should talk. He is in the field. Baling hay.
So I walk out there, a few feet onto the field, which is the universal signal on a farm for “I want to talk to you when you come around to this side of the field.”
The Farmer gets out of the tractor to talk with me. But after a couple of minutes he realizes he doesn't want to talk with me. (We have this problem a lot.) So he walks away, gets back on the tractor and starts to drive off.
I walk in front of the tractor so he will stop and talk to me. He drives it into me, so I jump on top of the front. He keeps driving. It is very hard for me to keep from falling off.
I am screaming, “Stop driving!” and he is ignoring me.
I think that's the picture of our relationship, right there. I want to talk, he doesn't, so we do terrible stuff together. I put myself in danger, and he goes along with it by saying that I'm crazy.
We repeat this cycle over and over again. (Here’s another example.) And the people who are suffering the most are the kids. They did not see the field today. But I’m not kidding myself: There is no way we are hiding the larger problem from them.
It's insane that I just opened up a huge discussion about homeschooling when I don't feel like this is the right home for the kids. It's insane that I'm starting a company when I know the company will take time away from my marriage when marriage is already sucking.
I feel insane right now. The only thing that grounds me is my ability to earn money. I know I can do fun, meaningful things in my career, and even though I’m not great at money management, I can support my kids.
The person I want to be is the person who believes in the strength of my family no matter what confronts us. I want to feel, in my heart, that things will be fine, and then it’ll show in my face all the time. But I am only that way about my career. I wish the skills were transferable, but I don't think they are.
All I see in this post is two people trying to control each other and both failing. It’s not going to happen which is why you married him, and he you probably. I think (stab in the dark) that you ramp up the crazy to force him to concede, but if he did you’d be a little bit disappointed.
There’s a reason he doesn’t want to talk to you, and there’s a good chance it’s not all about you – although some probably is. Do you attack him every time? Or make him feel hopeless, or worthless? Or just go to places he doesn’t want to because you do? Or is he just annoyed you’re showing no respect for his work? All these are guesses, but a good reason I wouldn’t want to talk to someone.
If you keep trying to control and battle and go crazy with each other you’ll eventually implode. He won’t change, neither will you. You have to find a way to make the people you are go together. Counselling’s a really good idea, if you both want it.
I think you should trust your gut instinct and get out of the relationship with the farmer. We usually deny our gut instinct once, twice, and then continually everyday, but it never goes away.
“But I am only that way about my career. I wish the skills were transferable, but I don't think they are.” It could be if we didn’t invest so much emotion into our relationships. Maybe, I’m too much like the Farmer.
i’m sorry you are going through a hard time. i’m not clear on the problem between you and the farmer, but it’s obvious you’ve gone through a lot of trauma recently. changes in your work life, changes/trouble in his relationship (personal and working) with his family. and now melissa’s gone and you’ve lost your buffer and your right-hand man.
i strongly identify with your need to fix things and know what’s going to happen and get there *now*, but i also know it’s not always (usually, even) the best approach. you want to speed up the transition of him working with his family to some new thing and you want to speed up your transition into your new work/possibly-homeschooling life. but if you took your foot off the gas it might help. i say this as someone who always wants to press the gas to the floor, so take it with a grain of salt.
good luck. xo
oh, honey….
re: “I wonder what people do to get faith in other people – ”
For me to have faith in someone, I’ve learned that I need to know that they’ve got my back, no matter what. That they’ll look out for my interests as much as, or more than, their own.
I’ve had a handful of close friends & a couple of romantic relationships through the years that fit that description. That said, those relationships all ran their course over time and didnt last.
So, in the end, I need to find a way to continue to have faith in myself. It gets lonely & tiring sometimes, but what’s the alternative ?
I’ve read about the farmer from your first mention of him, and have worried about you ever since. It’s like watching a slow motion car crash. I know you really want this to work out, but this just isn’t what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. You keep persevering, and working at it, and when all else fails, smashing lamps and throwing yourself in front of moving vehicles – but you shouldn’t have to do any of these things. I mean it: relationships shouldn’t be this hard. But I don’t know what it will take for you to realise this, and I worry you never will realise it. I feel a lot of sadness and empathy for you.
p.s. I know a man who accidentally killed his nephew with a tractor, and his life has never been the same. You shouldn’t be endangering yourself – and the farmer – just to attempt communication.
Are you familiar with Assume Love? I stumbled on it one day and I think the kernel of advice at the center of the blog is a good one: in marriage you deserve to give and receive love; everything else is icing.
http://www.assumelove.com/
Be proud of what you accomplished with your work and children. Do things to keep yourself happy and strong.
Please take a look at the Landmark Forum (Nathalie Lozano, Bogota, Colombia)
A city girl who is used to so much cannot move to the country and live in relative isolation Unfortunately, the farmer cannot solve your problem and he doesn’t want to talk about whats bothering you. He can’t help you. You were so independent and now you want homey security. Whats the happy medium?
So I haven’t read all the comments yet, so someone else may have already said this, but…
Why would you want to be with someone who’s willing to drive a tractor into you to shut you up?
@ Jody – Penelope is a writer. Writers embellish stuff all the time. Who knows what really happened? Engaging read, though.
Nice post you got here Penelope. Job hunting. Have tried or still stuck. Poor me.
When you grow up in a tumultous life as a child, it leads to all sorts of weird and destructive behavior as an adult. We feel safe by creating drama in our lives,… when there is no drama. We seek out someone stable and strong to feel secure because we were not safe as children, and then create havoc in that relationship to feel the comfort of something we know and remember.
Your advice is great…when you feel all hope is lost, go for a run, go to the gym, call a friend to vent, go to Madison, help the farmer out with the farming, divert yourself long enough to put whatever is happening into a realistic perspective. Interval training is an AMAZING mood elevator.
Remind yourself, that given your upbringing and bad childhood you are prone to destructive behavior and creating drama in your life. If you keep this in the forefront of your mind, it will help you to prevent behavior that hurts your children and your marriage, such as running in front of a tractor, running away, and breaking a vase and cutting yourself. It also helps your children to not seek out the same destructive pattern when they are adults. I tell myself this everytime I feel I am losing it…
I have a stable partner who is loving to me and my child and I also had a destructive childhood. I give you this advice because I know the feeling of feeling unsettled when everything in your family life is running smoothly, but inside something is missing. Where is the roller coaster of life????
Reach out to the farmer with love, compassion, and empathy…fake it if you have to, …favorite meal after a long hard day of work, run a bath and massage his aching hands, bring him lemonade, love and appreciate and cherish him….the intimacy and openess you seek will follow.
The best way to fix your relationship with the farmer is to fix yourself…it is all we can control in the end anyways. Your tractor fiasco is living proof we cannot control others or situations.
Yas – Excellent advice.
Penelope – please be careful. Don’t jump on tractors. Be safe. I understand, your frustration makes you totally out of control… you need to think hard about what triggers those “out of control” feelings… then PRACTICE and mentally rehearse WHAT YOU WILL DO instead of the self-destructive or dangerous stuff when you feel that way.
But you MUST mentally rehearse it many, many times, every day, when you are feeling calm. And even physically PRACTICE it… imagine feeling that way, imagine the rage and fear and all the other triggers… then physically turn yourself away from the source and walk outside to a quiet place, or to your room to a comfortable chair. Then practice the quieting, calming thoughts you must have, the kind things you will tell yourself.
I absolutely love this advice, it’s so true.
Also, drama is addictive. It can be hard to give up the dramatic/drama-creating behaviour if that’s all you’ve ever known. A calm, well-ordered life can seem dull. I remember thinking when I read the on-the-run-from-the-police post that there was no need for it, only that Penelope is addicted to the drama. It’s fun for us to read, but probably hard to live with.
Interrupting a farmer to talk, while he or she is working, is not a good idea. The problem is, especially at this time of year, farmers are always working. Coming from a farming family, acceptable work interruptions are emergencies and food. Good luck finding the right time. I am sure he is exhausted in the evening and has a hard time engaging then, too.
Hope TV producers are reading, because you need a reality show asap. You, the farmer and the kids are extremely photogenic; a bucolic environment; pets; city guests…that baby would have it all.
You need an audience to feel alive, and you can monetize your drama-you need the income, after all.
Did Melissa make any progress with this project?
Love your writing; and hang in there.
FWIW – that hat looks great on you!
Remember, marriages are not made in heaven – they come in kit formats and you have to put them together here on earth.
I am one of those imperfect humans who has adjusted to my mate of 35 years. She has a laughable bumper sticker on her sports car… “I am the Luckiest Woman in the World! and in small print below it says “I Found a MAN I Could Train.”
I laugh at it just as hard as anyone because to a degree it is true, change and accommodation is an expression of love.
Your fans and admirers love you and want the BEST for you and the Farmer.
Hi, Penelope. Your writing has been great lately. I don’t want you to feel hopeless – relationship skills CAN be learned! That was one of my big takeaways after reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed.” I mean, if we are not born with career skills and are not taught them at home or in school and are instead left to figure them out on our own, then doesn’t it stand to reason that relationship skills are the same way? You guys love each other, but, unfortunately, you both come from dysfuntional families and it seems like you have developed the exact opposite skills to cope with it (i.e. lamp breaking and shutting down). I think you should dedicate some of the time and effort that you put into learning how to be successful in a career to how to be successful in a relationship, realizing that you still have enormous room to grow and change in your life.
Penelope I think you should make a list of the things that you think the farmer loves (or likes) about you. Then you should focus on doing those things more. He needs you to bring something to the table..of course he’s not going to want to just stand there and talk to you, especially if you’re just going to complain about him or yell at him. Obviously, I have no idea what it is you bring to the relationship but since you probably do, you should make a real effort to do those things more. If you’re being the woman he loves, he will naturally be more drawn to you. If you’re doing things he hates (like making him talk when he doesn’t want to), then of course things won’t improve.
Where do you go to the gym? It seems like there would not be a lot of workout places in Darlington, WI. I don’t recall seeing any fitness equipment in the pictures of your farmhouse.
This isn’t a blog…its a soap opera. Get me off this thing!
is it possible that you are making this story up,in order to get more comments ???
just asking!!
Penelope, this reminds me of when you slept on the couch on the porch, when it was really cold. You have a tendency to try to prove “Look how much I’m hurting! Things are so bad that I’d rather be out in the cold than in the bedroom!”
This time it’s: “I’m hurting so much, things are so bad that I don’t care about jumping in front of the tractor!” The problem with this is that dramatic attempts to solicit emotion can have the opposite effect with a partner, especially when they’ve seen it more than once. You’re adding a lot of anguish to his life. Is that really fair?
You have to stop doing this. Right now you’re still in a relationship because the farmer loves you enough to withstand this kind of behavior. If he didn’t love you, one instance of this would be enough for him to break up with you. One day the farmer will stop loving you enough to put up with this kind of behavior. Once that happens it’ll be a rollercoaster downhill. You won’t be able to change his mind. You won’t be able to get him back. It’ll be done. I would predict that at that point you’ll be begging him to change his mind – and he probably won’t.
Here’s the difference between marriage and career: you can totally start looking for another job while working on your current one, so that in the event you find a better one you leave, or else you stay at your current job.
But you can’t go out and look for a potentially better husband while married to the current one, that would be immoral. If you could without breaking some sort of moral code (or your conscience), you probably would. I believe that’s why people stay in bad marriages, because they can’t be sure there is a better one out there, and that’s really because there’s no way to find out before hand.
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I think it’s great you are being this honest with us and yourself. Not to provide a$$vice, but I think you are realizing that you really want to grow in the way you work with your family and not just with work. I highly recommend working on your communication with the Farmer. I’ve been very happily married for almost 17 years and we’ve had our ups and downs. The first 2-3 years were rough, but we worked hard on communication during those years. And it wasn’t always talking, we had to learn to time when would would bring up sensitive topics and when it was nice to have comfortable silence. I’m a talker too, so that was hard for me. My DH is a quiet guy. I’ve had to learn to bide my time sometimes to when he feels comfortable telling me something. It doesn’t mean I’m not still annoyed inside when I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss something that’s bothering him. But we’ve learned our communication styles and it really helps.
you are so refreshingly honest. we all have these conflicts inside, but fear to mention to others. you just put it all out, and you do it extremely well.
maybe if you left him a note telling him that you are having a breakdown and ask when you two could talk, he’ll make himself available. make an appointment. farmers always have too much to do during the day. you might suggest talking after the sun goes down or in bed.
Just chiming in again. Penelope, your blog is most definitely inspired. I feel spiritually uplifted when I read it. I think that you were sent here to share your pain because other people can empathize with you, each other, and get the strength to rise above.
At the same time, you can’t keep using your marriage as fodder for the blog and expect it to be good. Remember that great entertainment is only great because of high conflict. So the more you turn your intimacy into a story for the world, the less able you will be to be intimate.
You have shared that you were a victim of severe and ongoing child abuse. Maybe you fear intimacy. Maybe you think you are bad, and don’t deserve it, after what was done to you (common victim problem). So you hide behind the excuse that the blog has to be about your marriage in order to work.
But I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can find something else to write about so that you can keep your marriage – which is good for you – secure and safe.
In the end the relationship is between you and the Farmer. Only the two of you know for sure what to do. And your bond is more important than the rest of us watching you.
We will still be here when you’re writing about homeschooling. Or goat cheese. Whatever. But will he be able to take it if you keep on putting his personal life on the front pages?
Think about it.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/06/03/new-way-to-measure-blog-roi/
Remember your first time meeting the farmer and what was special about it.
ok, look hon. You’re fine, you’ve always been fine, and you will continue to be fine. But. It’s clear from your blog that you have sometimes made decisions out of pocket. Out of your pocket. Somewhat capricious, hopeful, decisions. That means that the results come back to you the same way, capricious and hopeful. Ride with it, whatever way it plays.
But our decisions come from within us, so know where it’s coming from.
So don’t do the new company right now. Walk away from it and work on being the best wife (and mom) you are able to be.
You already know you can do start-up companies. You’re not really growing as a person by doing another, and, you know you’ll be sick of it after just a short while anyway …
Your kids need you, and they need the farmer, too. (It seems like a really cool place to be a little boy at…)
It’s not exciting, it’s not easy, it’s way more complicated than any work relationship, and it’s way more important …
When one conversation, or lack thereof, can hurt way more than any major career pit-fall … that tells you how much more important this is.
(I feel the same way, all the time. Just this last few months, I’ve chosen the family thing, and I’ve never cried so much, or felt so happy, in my life. It sucks, and it’s great all at the same time, sometimes in the same day … but I’m not running away from it anymore …)
Good luck, Penelope. Thanks for writing.
I jumped the tractor for ten years until my daughter became a teen. So being a first time parent, I went to a counselor who has taught me how to be a little more effective in conversations with a teen. (Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying your husband is acting like a teen.)
The counselor (behavioral) recommended a book that I use when I want to jump on the trailer – Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Kerry and others. Lots of good ideas!
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. But since everything changes, including bad feelings, even if you do nothing but feel the bad feelings until they go away. I hope they go away quickly. xo
For me, relationship “issues” have always been harder to manage and engage in than any job stuff. I am sorry it’s difficult right now though. I agree with people who said approach him when he’s not working.
One thing that popped into my head was something I read years ago when my godson was still a toddler. It was from a book called Real Boys and it’s the only thing I remember from it. The crux of it was that males show they care by doing and females by communicating (verbally). I know that’s not a hard and fast rule and of course both do the other. I don’t remember if the author suggested it was something innate or cultural for guys, but it always stuck with me.
Perhaps try reflecting on what he does (to show he cares) and at some point he might look at your attempt to talk to him as your attempt to show you care–it might give a little more breathing space. I don’t know. Just a though.
First, very sorry you are struggling. Second, thanks as ever for your honesty. The comments have included some great ideas (IMHO): trying different communication methods, counseling, medication, more friends and guests to meet your needs. All of these seem worth trying to me (altho I don’t live on the farm, so what do I know?).
I also think the thread that “marriage is a lot of work” is valuable. I’m not married but every couple I know (except the Stepford Fake-Oh’s) say this.
YET, not everyone is meant to be married. I don’t know anything about Aspergers….a few have said you like to “stir up your life” or you like being discontented, etc. That may not be true, but that doesn’t mean a long-term, live-in relationship is what’s best for you (what’s best for your kids only you can say). My mother has been divorced twice and now has a….boyfriend? (they are over 60) that lives in another state. They talk on the phone, e-mail, and take weekend and week-long trips together anywhere between once a month and once a quarter. True, her kid is grown (ish), but in any event this kind of relationship is best for her. She has ADD, hates emotional demands, she likes risk, she likes change (and she LOVES to complain) and she likes to live alone (and have everything HER WAY in her place). This way she gets all these things but also feels loved and has sex. Food for thought.
It is surprising what a single photo can say and it be completely untrue or far from the truth. I suppose its like hiding behind a mask because for some people the risk might be to great to face and tackle especially if it does go horribly wrong. I think the majority of people who have posted agree that there is definitely a communication error…. I still cannot believe someone would continue to drive a tractor with a person hanging on for their dear life, that incident explains it all. Change scares most people, changes is not determined and it is not fixed, being in routine for most of us makes us feel safe, however for the majority unhappy.
To many comments for me to read each one (and hope I don’t repeat).
What I will NOT do is give you advice and tell you how to fix these trials. Better yet, I will not tell you that you need to change/add/start medication – because that is a very personal choice that only you can decide if it is right/wrong. And more important – it is non of mine (or anyone for that matter) business.
You are an amazing mother. You have 2 children who adore you more than anything in this world. I know, from experience, that feeling is mutual.
I also know, from experience what the hopeless feelings can be like. The grief of loosing/failing a child whom I loved so dearly, yet couldn’t help.
As I read this post, I couldn’t help but think it resonated (sp) so much with my own feelings and thoughts from time to time.
Have a Good Weekend Darling!!
And watch this link:
Tap into what Penelope knows to be true. Hug on those boys just one more time and remember that you do this for them…and YOU!!!
During some very dark days of grief and depression after loosing our son…..the only thing that got me up each morning was the freckled face little boy that you know and his goofy big sister.
Check this video out….I BELIEVE you are an amazing womenhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfcKvevod3k I know this video made me cry this week when I saw it. I too, watched it in a rather dark and dreary day!!
The link did not work.
If you go to Youtube and search ” I believe she’s amazing flash mob” Toronto Mall…you will find it. :)
When I am trapped in a job I don’t like, I can continue working here while secretly looking for a different job. Once I find a better job, I’ll quit the current one.
But if I’m in a less than satisfactory relationship, I can’t go look for a better relationship while still committed, that would be called cheating, no?
Penelope, today my husband and you are from the same mold. Actually, you are on many days.
My husband has everything. A good job. Health. A beautiful house in the country with barns and acreage. A wife that loves him, isn’t too shabby looking and is an enthusiastic sex partner even after 25 years. He also has successful children who love and respect him greatly. He has EVERYTHING. And still he’s not happy. He still complains. He still obsesses over people who possibly have more than he. He still demands more of me than what I am.
Please give your the Farmer a break. If he’s like me, he probably gets tired of never being able to make you happy.
Dear Penelope:
I’m always amazed at how many people reply to give you advice on what to do when you seem lost. They all seem to have just the answer and are quick to tell you what you need to do or how things need to change. Having been in a complicated relationship before, I realize that no one can really know or understand the complexities of your relationship.
I just want to support you as you try to figure it all out. Keep thinking about it, working on it, with or without the Farmer, keep gnawing at it until you finally come to a conclusion that works for you. All the advice is interesting and gives you different perspectives, but I think you probably know already what is right for you. Sometimes it just takes time to own that decision.
Don’t stay sad or low for long without some action. It is not good for you and not good for your children. As you say, they are affected by it whether you realize it or not at the time.
I love reading your blog! Thanks for sharing your life with us!
Janis
Ideas for communication:
Talk about the kids and what they need, since they are a common interest.
Find a photo, or a dessert, or an article from the paper, or whatever, and say (in person or in a note), “I thought you might like this”. Then, listen. There will be something–eye contact, a smile, a “Thank you”. Regard this as a baby step, and
be satisfied with it for a while.
Smile briefly like a Cheshire cat and say nothing.
Talk about the weather! since this is of critical importance in farming. “It’s may rain–that will prevent you from haying, won’t it.”
Say “Shall I send Shepherd out with a sandwich or a lemonade at 10 a.m.?”
Just do logistics for a while: “I’m going to take the boys for school supplies and new shoes today. I’m leaving at 9 a.m. Is there anything you want from the store?” Be sure and make eye contact and keep your chin up with a confident look or a half-smile.
Pen, we all have everything we need already within us–that is the source of our confidence and our peace. YOU have love in your heart and ideas galore in your head. You have the ability to analyze, to write in a disarmingly forthright manner. The Farmer has the qualities you saw in him when you first got to know him; he has the land and he has his expertise about farming. He has a spirituality. Think about an ideal blending of your qualities and his. Let communication failures go for now. Think of what the boys get when you and the Farmer use what you excel at–together.
For now, it may be a marriage of convenience. So be it. Work on creating the next phase of the partnership. Romantic love may well blossom again, in ways that will surprise you both.
I don’t think it is fair to try to talk to the farmer while he is working. Just because he isn’t a CEO in an office doesn’t mean that he isn’t busy. I feel you are not being respectful of his time and business. Imagine if you were in the middle of your workday at a busy office, you have your day planned out and a certain amount of time to get important tasks done. Now imagine your spouse chooses this moment to show up at your office to discuss your relationship and how unhappy they are, or how you aren’t meeting their needs, they don’t feel the marriage is working out, etc. When you realized this conversation couldn’t be resolved in 10 minutes and could potentially take hours, what would you do? The majority of people would say I don’t have time for this right now or I can’t do this right now and walk away.
You take the farmer’s being busy as a sign that he doesn’t love you or care enough. Maybe you feel like he isn’t taking your needs seriously or you aren’t his top priority? You need to figure out a way to get your needs met when it isn’t in the middle of his work day.
I wonder if he also has the feeling of no matter what he says or does, no matter how much he says he loves you, that he cannot make you happy. That you are always unhappy and he is always failing you in some way? Think how frustrated you would feel if you were trying, really trying and you often heard that you were doing it wrong.
It takes two. No one is ever all right, nor are they ever completely wrong. I think a big change that you could make is to respect the farmer when he us working. Perhaps take a walk together after dinner to discuss your issues. Good luck!
Your life seems so great. I wish I had your life.
I’m sorry you’re going through tough times. But I don’t think this marriage was meant to be. It seemed like a bit of a lifestyle stunt from the beginning, Green Acres 2011. I don’t think the farmer knows what to do with you. I bet he wants out – but he is too nice a guy and doesn’t want to leave the farm, and doesn’t have an executable exit strategy (because he wouldn’t be able to come up with a strategy and execute it – most guys can’t). And I’m not sure you’re really that happy on the farm, and you always have an exit strategy that you can execute (most women who are economically independent can).
Marriage and kids in the best of circumstances are complicated. I think kids are glue that can help keep a relationship together when the fractures are small and the foundation is strong; I’m not sure that’s the case here. I think you were looking to walk into a place with a strong foundation, but a strong foundation is something you must build together. Then you reach a point over many years where marriage is a fusion. Not perfect happiness everyday, in fact, misery at times, because life can be miserable at times and some people can be more miserable than others. But in a healthy (even if sometimes dysfunctional marriage) there’s not a realistic chance that you would break it because you have built a life together and it is your combined, intertwined life. Is that the case here, or is it time to cut your losses?
This is not about a farmer’s wife finding a more appropriate time to talk to her husband. This is about two people engaging in destructive, potentially deadly behavior. Penelope stood in front of a tractor the farmer was operating. Why??? The farmer kept moving forward, driving the tractor into Penelope. What??? Penelope jumped on top of the tractor. Crazy, but maybe a legitimate attempt to save herself. The farmer, who, based on Penelope’s accounts, is capable of great compassion, care, and love, kept. driving. the. tractor. into. Penelope. Game over. He kept driving, and it was very hard for Penelope to keep from falling off. He kept driving??? She was screaming, “stop driving”, and he ignored her???
Seriously, all this babble about the appropriate time for Penelope to strike up a conversation with her Farmer is irrelevant to this situation. The Farmer could have killed Penelope. Sometimes people who love each other reach a breaking point, and I believe Penelope and the Farmer have reached that point. We know that Penelope engages in destructive behavior, but did anyone foresee that the Farmer would run a tractor into her? Penelope, I know you have a history of abuse and can have a hard time recognizing when things are really bad. This is really bad, even though the Farmer is a good man. This is unacceptable, and it is time for you to go. If your account is accurate (I know it is possible that you have exaggerated it), you are lucky to be alive or not badly injured. Get some help, please, and go.
I have read your blog for many years, but this is my first post.
Maybe Penelope was trying to commit suicide…after all she stepped in front of a moving vehicle! Why is it ok for her to act "crazy" but the farmer always has to be the rational adult who is always in control? Where is her responsibility in all of this?
This is a power struggle, maybe one of epic proportions, but still a power struggle. Neither involved are being respectful of the other, neither is willing to back down. Penelope stepping in front of a the tractor and refusing to move while the farmer drove toward her is just as absurd as the farmer continuing to drive the tractor towards her!
I grew up on a farm and have driven tractors. Obviously the farmer was driving very slowly or it wouldn’t have been possible for her jump onto the front of it. She wasn’t frightened enough to get out of the way. I suspect if the farmer was really gunning for her that she would have jumped out of the way…and she wouldn’t still be there…she would have left and filed a police report! Jumping on the front of the tractor was an act of defiance, of not giving in, not an act of fear.
Oh my goodness, Penelope, I just found your blog quite randomly while doing a Google search. What a gem! Sadly I am now hooked, and can’t wait to spend hours pouring over it, following all your wonderful backlinks! And I just joined you on Twitter. I love how you use it as an intersection between your business and personal life – very unique. And as a veterinarian, I am enjoying the farming tales too! Although you’re the first person I’ve come across who’s had sex in a pig barn, LOL! What a great blog! Thanks for sharing all your expertise, experiences, and general musings.
I think homeschooling is interesting, but it was never for me. It’s good for kids to deal with adults who aren’t their parents and to rub shoulders with people who haven’t been hand-picked by their parents. You don’t need to apologize for sending your kids to school.
Interesting link about “don’t eat.” Heaven only knows that the kitchen is way too close when you aren’t leaving home to go to work every day.
Be honest with yourself. Talk to a therapist. Move forward in positive ways to support yourself and your kids. You’re brilliant and many wonderful things.
Yes, you are insane. And self-centered. And boring.