How to have more self-discipline
For a while I have been fascinated by the research about happiness. Some of my favorite research is from Sonja Lyumbomirsky, psychology professor at University of California Riverside. (She’s great at listing really small things you can do to impact your happiness.) And from Dan Gilbert's Hedonic Psychology Lab at Harvard. (I follow PhD students from that lab like other people follow favorite quarterbacks.)
But something I've noticed in the last year is that most of our happiness is actually dependent on our self-discipline. For example, we are happier if we exercise, but the barriers to getting to the gym are so high that it takes a lot more than missives from the Hedonic Psychology Lab to get us there. Also, Roy Baumeister, professor of psychology at Florida State University, has studied self-esteem for decades, and finds that when it comes to success, self-discipline is much more important than self-esteem.
So I have started tracking my own self-discipline rather than my happiness. And I think that the process is making me happier, because I am teaching myself how to bounce back quickly when my self-discipline falls apart. Here's what I've learned:
Self-discipline is about small things paving the way for very big things.
My favorite piece of research from all the happiness research I've read is that self-discipline snowballs. That is, if you can work hard to have self-discipline in one, small area, you create self-discipline almost effortlessly in other areas. The most famous study about this phenomena is from Baumeister, who found that students who walked with a book on their head to fix their posture ended up eating better, studying harder, and sleeping more. Without even noticing they were making those changes.
(One of the more recent things to come from the Hedonic Psychology Lab is an iPhone application by Matthew Killingsworth that lets you add your own happiness data to the lab's research. Ironically, the data entry for this application requires a level of self-discipline that will surely qualify as the type that snowballs into other areas of your life and increases your level of happiness. So maybe we should all participate.)
The key to self-discipline is finding an easy re-entry point.
I used to tell myself that if I would just get back on my daily workout schedule, the rest of my self-disciplined life would fall back into place. This is true. But it's too hard. When everything has fallen apart for me in the self-discipline arena it usually looks like this: I am eating poorly, behind in answering emails, and I'm biting my nails. Then I start hiding from people because I feel too discombobulated to connect.
Fixing any one of those problems is big for me. So I go to something easier: push-ups in the morning, noon and night. I do it on the floor — any floor — and it takes 30 seconds because I only do five so that I won't dread doing them. The act of doing the push-ups is like wearing a book on my head. It restarts my self-discipline after just a few days.
You need to give up perfectionism in order to get anywhere.
Perfection is the enemy of self-discipline. If you are aiming for perfection, you are never going to get yourself to do what you need to do. No one is perfect, and if you tell yourself you need to be perfect, then everything is too hard to start. Here's a self-discipline issue I have: I want to keep up with my reading pile and not let it get so high on the kitchen counter that it falls over.
This goal requires me to read things immediately, as they pass in front of me. I'm great at doing this online, but not offline. I realized, though, that the trick is to read fast and if I can't, I throw it out. There is no harm in doing a bad job of going through a reading pile, and there is more harm in setting the goal”?to keep the pile low — and not meeting it.
Self-discipline is mental, but only because it’s about believing in yourself.
Take, for example, the person who stops going to the gym for a month. A person who thinks of himself as someone who goes to the gym is more likely to start going again than someone who thinks of himself as a non-gym type. And this is true in a more broad sense: If you think of yourself as someone with high self-discipline then when you are not having self-discipline, you expect to start having it again, and you do. Also, self-discipline is like a muscle so you need to practice to get stronger with it, and part of practicing is talking with yourself about who you are: a person who has self-control.
The moment of regaining self-discipline feels triumphant.
I have not blogged in more than a week. For most people, it wouldn't matter that much. But blogging is a job for me. So I really need to be doing it. Also, blogging keeps the rest of my life on track — I feel connected to a community, I think in a more critical way, and when I write a good blog post, I have self-confidence that I will do other things well, too.
So I am telling you that the moment today, when I finally sat down to write, and I could feel that I'd start blogging again, felt so good, and so secure, that I hope it will remind you to put aside an hour today to do the thing you have wanted to do for weeks, or months, to get yourself back on track. It won't just change that hour, or that day, it will change your life.
Just yesterday I was thinking that I hadn’t received a blog post from you in a while, and your topic is timely. For the past few weeks I have been thinking about writing a post on what is happiness. I interview people and one of the questions that I ask is “Complete the following, I am happy when…?” It’s amazing what makes people happy.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on self-discipline and happiness. I paused and really thought about what you were really saying and it makes a lot of sense. I feel a sense of overwhelm when the task is too big, but when I break it down into bite-sized pieces and focus on a bit at a time, I am okay. Thank you for this blog post.
Yet the more structured my time and the more disciplined I am, the more I also need time to be chaotic, impulsive, relaxed and without goals. The key is finding the balance for the life you want to have and the goals you want to attain.
I agree. I spent decades training and working as a professional dancer/dance teacher. I was obsessively self-disciplined, like any athlete, about training daily, eating right, etc. When I finally left dancing, I took up long distance running–an analog, I’m sure to the asceticism of dance. I was newly divorced, not dating anyone, and had a job that I could leave behind when I left the building.
Fast forward to a couple of years later. I had taken a job that required me to work a ridiculous number of hours from my home. I was in a long-term relationship with a demanding man. My self-discipline insidiously drained away, and I found myself not exercising, gaining weight, shopping too much, watching too much TV, etc. I was busier than ever and totally unfulfilled. Clearly my life was out of balance.
But there’s a component to this that I think relates to KMS’s comment. I spent so many years at one end of the self-discipline spectrum that when I let it go, I REALLY let it go. I was like a sheltered kid from a small town who goes to college in NYC and becomes a party monster.
I’ve seen this phenomenon with other dancers, elite athletes, professional musicians, etc. It’s like they can only hold it together for so long before they burst. My question: do you think that level of self-discipline is unnatural? Is it possible to find balance when one is practicing self-discipline at such an extreme, especially at a young age? Just curious…
A few thoughts:
1) not trying to take this discussion “Buddhist,” and yet… the Middle Way walks between excess and asceticism. It seems to me that the “curse” of the West is the propensity to either externalize motivation, or to neglect it entirely, whereas the Middle Ways asks, “What do I intend?”
2) Intentions have consequences. Being the best in the world at something (say, an Olympic gold medalist) precludes much time or energy left for other things. A wise soul remembers that while one can have anything one wants, one cannot have everything one wants. Many are the folk who burn out trying to be insanely successful in business AND in their relationship AND as a parent AND a good child to ailing parents, and are totally toast.
3) Lastly, I have a bias toward self reflection or “waking up.” I once suggested to a client that he meditate 20 minutes a day. He asked me how to find time to fit another thing in. I replied that if his life was his meditation, there would be no-thing to fit in.
5 push-ups, making dinner, pitching a start-up – all with presence. Being present is the intention, and all activities are the process.
Life goes to hell in direct proportion to our inattention…
Great post, and I agree with Todd – I wish the links opened up in a new window.
I like the part about how self-discipline in one area helps with it in others. I think about the connection between my work and my not-work. Or my job and the other stuff. Whatever you want to call it, when I’m using more discipline and managing myself better in one area, if definitely impacts the other. When work is crazy and I am drowning, like it’s been lately, I feel like it’s absolutely impossible to do anything with my evenings and weekends. But when I start making disciplined progress in one area, I automatically hold myself more accountable in the other.
So that brings up something interesting to me, because you mention that when people are using discipline well in one area, they do better in others without knowing it. But on that first part, are they accountable and aware of their success wtih discipline? It sounds like from the examples you gance, and it seems to me like this is a critical thing.
That your discipline can be measurable (yes, I did 5 push ups 3 times today) seems to be key to the happiness connection, the self-esteem part.
The conciousness that you are being successful, even in one, small, manageable thing, seems really important to me. What do you think?
Because if that’s the way it works, it seems logical to me that we should just all set ourselves up for success with discipline by making it concrete, measurable, and attainable. (Tiny SMART goals, for the business-ey of you.)
X = Success, and I did X!
Thank you so much for this post – it’s spot on with what I’m struggling with today as I’m trying to figure out where to go and what to do next. I know enforcing a bit of self-discipline in my life will certainly bring me closer to my goals, whatever they turn out to be.
Thank you– great post. Came right at the perfect moment, too.
Bravo for another great post Penelope, well worth the weeklong wait. Giving up on perfection is hard, but it truly frees you to focus on what you CAN do, instead of what you CANNOT. Most people feel better when they are in control (of their diet, their health, their life). Discipline is all about being in control, but not letting it control you.
Hi Penelope,
Great article! I must say that this is the most chocked full of wisdom post I have read from you in awhile. Its just the thing I needed to jumpstart my own self-discipline!
Cheers,
Jeremy
I am exactly like this too: “When everything has fallen apart for me in the self-discipline arena it usually looks like this: I am eating poorly, behind in answering emails, and I'm biting my nails. Then I start hiding from people because I feel too discombobulated to connect.” Except I didn’t realize that’s why I start laying low and avoiding others. You hit it right on.
I love the idea of going through a reading pile quickly instead of not at all. I need to ditch some perfectionistic habits. Thank you, thank you, for posting this today. I needed it!
I totally agree with all your points. I like the tip of doing push ups. When things go wrong in my life, I just start with small things – I pay the bills, I clean up my room, I do the easy things at work to get me into the mood of tackling the bigger issues.
Thank you! Thank you for your clarity of vision, your writing talent and your willingness to share. I’ve been reading the happiness books and blogs for years now with some small progress but in a few words you managed to put this quest in a new and very simple light. Five push-ups. Yes, it is about self-esteem and believeing in yourself and of course it can start with some small progress to get the the whole big ball rolling. Why didn’t I see that before—Because it takes a genius to synthesize a lot of complicated ideas into a few spare paragraphs. This did it, this “clicked” for me. I think I’ll start with three push-ups.
Good luck in your endeavors and thank you for your excellent blog.
I have noticed that the happiest people around don’t “study” or do “research” on what makes people happy. The Amish rate themselves the happiest of all people ever surveyed, but they didn’t need a shrink or Harvard professor to teach them what makes them happy.
Happy family, relationship/belief in God = 1. God 2. Family 3. Work. Priorities should be in that order. The strange thing about time is that no matter what changes, so much that is so obvious remains exactly the same!
Take for example our baby girl. The best advice that we have followed about her sleeping through the night, at only five weeks of life outside the womb, has been from our own Mothers, who raised 8 kids between the two of them and don’t buy into new age BS.
My favorite comment from my elderly mother, “you were going to sleep through the night because I wasn’t interested in waking up with you in the middle of the night.”
Gotta love Ma, happy as I am.
A related book I loved (and I recommend it to everyone) is One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way
Forgot to mention the brilliant but counter-intuitive points the book makes:
Ask small questions.
Think small thoughts.
Take small actions.
Solve small problems.
Great post. My experience has been that the simple act of getting dressed to go workout has been enough to motivate the action of exercising.
Sometimes going through the preparation ritual will be enough to trigger the action/habit you are hoping to follow through with.
Thanks again for your post.
am wondering if my coworkers will think i’ve lost it if i start doing push ups in my cube…
great post, P! thanks for the motivation!!
Great post! A friend sent it to me, and I’m glad she did. Felt like it was written just for me!
I’m overdue for posting on my own blog too, among other things, so I better get started doing push-ups or something along those lines (daily walks, while it’s still light out!)
Well done, Penelope. Everything in your post rings true, but beyond that is organized and presented as immediately actionable information. Five stars.
Self-discipline is easy if you have a trigger that starts off everything. For example my self-discipline in doing as much as possible in the morning is starting off downstairs with a cup of coffee and a croissant, without this trigger I would not have gotten up to work everday!
Genius!
You put words to my instincts (note to self: stop censoring your instincts or Penelope will always write about them first). I recently gave up on “getting into shape” and decided to start each day riding the sit-down stationary bike for 20-30 minutes. “Every day” was the only requirement.
My perfectionism crept in. Target heart rate? Strength training? New sneakers?
Then, my Mother-in-law is telling me about about her bone loss and need for exercise (I asked) and she says “I need to be self-disciplined like you.” Eh?! Is that what that was? I’m not self-disciplined.
Fitness aside, my wife says I carry myself differently the whole day when I do that 30 minute ride. Now I know why.
Palin said in her resignation speech that "only dead fish go with the flow." Although, the folksiness of this statement rings true, it is probably not a good idea to compare yourself to rotting fish when looking for a new career. She seems to feel that sticking with an unsatisfying career is not helping the state of Alaska but is leaving it in worse condition than she found it helping her career? Furthermore, politicians are hired by voters and not human resources departments.
Interesting P.
You talk about self-discipline being the aim here, that it’s self discipline that allows you to get back into doing things and how it ripples out. In my world, this isn’t self-discipline at all, but real, balls on the line self-confidence.
It’s true self-confidence that makes it okay to engage with the things in your life that matter. True self-confidence strips away the labels of being a so-and-so type of person and clears out the expectanices you have around what you can/can’t and should/shouldn’t do. It’s only with this kind of confidence that you can simply decide to do something, because you’ve got rid of all the crap in your head that tells you not to and you understand the benefits to you and your sense of self when you engage with something.
You say as much yourself – “when I write a good blog post, I have self-confidence that I will do other things well, too”. That’s the thing – when you realise that you have that true confidence it instantly opens up a world where you can apply that solid core of self-trust to any other part of your life.
When you came back to writing after a week – something that truly matters to you – your values kicked in and reminded you of who you are. That’s why it felt good, because you let a fundamental piece of who you are live in the real world.
That’s what real confidence is about – trusting yourself to let those parts of you express themselves in the world.
It might take self-discipline to keep reminding yourself to do that, but without the core of confidence the discipline is redundant.
I could discipline myself to vacuum my living room floor every day or to sing ‘Everything’s Coming Up Roses’ before I shower, but neither of those things is going to make me feel any more “me” or add to my sense of self. No siree.
If you have to use self-discipline, use it as a strategy to remind yourself of what matters to you when you forget.
I am a little confused. I came to your blog from a google search about grad schools and non-profits and the first post I saw was your rather wild 8-pointed crusade against advanced degrees.
Your quote in this has me wondering:
“(I follow PhD students from that lab like other people follow favorite quarterbacks.)”
Which is it? You have a love for PhD students but not the pursuit of education..?
My father, internationally recognized Father of Financial Planning, wrote a little book 40 years ago called MORE SELF DISCIPLINE. Here was a man who was ahead of his time! For many of us, self discipline has a direct relationship to SENSE OF PURPOSE. Find your purpose and honor it by becoming its disciple.
Page Lambert
Connecting People with Nature, and Writers with Words
I believe it. Discipline not only leads to success, but also to happiness. It reminds me of the interns in this video I just saw. Check it out. They are student interns at Microsoft, working intense schedules, but they all seem to be really happy and have a lot of fun. It’s fun to get a sneak peak into their world.
Check out this link to Episode 2 of My Intern Life @ Microsoft: behind the scenes, the real live of 8 current interns at work & play…
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=105556194755&ref=nf
Really interesting post, Simply Love it.
Wow this is so perfectly stated. Thank you for sharing!
Nice post. I’ve been searching for tips on happiness from a long time. I will definitely follow the various links and discover what scientists say. But I am still not following how happiness is dependent on self-discipline. I find it difficult to restrict happiness with one word. In life, I have seen many happy guys without any discipline. There is something else that injects happiness, though self-discipline may be one the ingredient but it is not necessary.
thank you.
Man … this is so true. I find that my most content days are the ones where I woke up early, attacked my “to do” list as planned, exercised, and still found the time to bring the nieces and nephews to the park.
I also believe learning contentment with what one has is also a key. Yes, being in a capitalist society always means being in pursuit of “more”, but when one realizes they don’t have to be ranked #1 in every category of life, a calm washes over.
Now, the pursuit of #1 is still healthy, but it is the effort and not the goal that is important to me. If I never achieve that plateau, it won’t ruin my outlook on life.
Thanks! THis post alone is worth the price of admission.
Much appreciated.
Self discipline is up to the individual!
But seriously. being bought up disciplined is sure a help for later in life IMO… Parents need to be stronger in discipling their kids as its good for them in the long term IMO.
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am so glad to find this post. i have just disciplined myself to write my blog just of my words and ideas and not post a billion of other peoples’ ideas, like so many blogs do. it was a good assignment for me. am happy to read your discoveries on the subject.
All of this makes sense. To me, the big question though is who one learns the habits of self discipline from? I was sent to boarding school at a fairly young age and living in South Africa at the time, spent 2 years in the army. That was followed by 4 degrees including a DBA (plenty discipline required there)! I believe that discipine is something taught (minaly by parents) at a young age and hopefully reinforced from there. If both parents are couch potatoes there’s a pretty good chance that the kids will be as well!
Thank you! I really need this today. I have set goals for myself and then flounder about trying to figure out where to start, and feeling depressed. You are so correct! Sitting here staring at my computer, I typed in ‘self-discipline’… and BOOM! There you were! Just what I needed to get me up off my butt! So I’m going out to cut the grass right now (been trying to make myself do it since I woke up this morning) and then I’m taking my butt for a good walk. That will be my ‘everyday’ thing to get me started back on track. Thanks again!!
A quote from Zig Ziglar (motivational speaker) –
I discipline myself to do the things I need to do when I need to do them because I know that doing them will enable me someday to do the things I want to do when I want to do them.
your writing quality is as good as from any best seller books.Very observant and insightful!
I am having issue with self-discipline and using rewards as incentives don’t work. Any advice?
A very nice article that give deep shadow on self-discipline.great work.
“I hope it will remind you to put aside an hour today to do the thing you have wanted to do for weeks, or months, to get yourself back on track. It won't just change that hour, or that day, it will change your life.”
Just wanted to say a big thank you for that article, and those words. I have allowed my life to slide out of control, through nothing more than laziness, a lack of desire to do what has to be done and a resentment that I have to do some mundane tasks. Stubbornly telling myself my life should be hassle-free and without drudgery has not led to happiness. Procrastination and wasting my time doing unimportant things has made me a lesser person, one who doesn’t want to connect with others. My lack of self-discipline in doing tiny jobs has snowballed out of control. It has led to misery and a house that is a tip and a person who has lost faith in herself to get back up and try to put things right. That calls for effort and a will to do the right thing.
Just wanted you to know that your words made such sense, and gave me a glimmer of hope that with a bit of determination I can change things. Thank you.
This was very helpful to me. Thanks…
Wow! This is me EXACTLY. I keep asking myself what happened. I use to be disciplined but now I feel as if I have a type of life bulimia. I have binges of good and then instead of purging I splurge. I am not making light of this or making fun either. I have been doing this with my eating, spending, working, and even in my personal life. It has now become a full-fledge problem/barracade for me. It is ridiculous and I am so mad at myself! I also believe that being taught discipline as a child would help me a great deal right now. My discipline was basically self taught throughout my college years. What happened to me? Where in the heck is my need, drive, and motivation? I am determined to figure this out and gain self discipline.
I just “stumbled-upon” your blog today and I see a string of replies to this subject for over a year! I can see why because this blog post is spot on. I see our lives as a “hologram” where everything is holographic or connected on multiple levels rather than being linear. Therefore, if we tighten up our self-discipline it is reflected in other areas. But maybe self-discipline is more the infrastructure of our existence or the hub of the wheel. Interesting stuff and thanks for the post. I will be following your blog.
Thank You so much for this wonderful post.
I only wish that for me, the idea of self-discipline was positive. It isn’t – so I have always lacked it.
I grew up understanding “discipline” as an adversarial, punishing force. Self-discipline to me still means self-negation – not in a giving or helping way, but as repressing oneself for the sake of earning some reward or passing some test. No snowballing, no nurturing, no win-wins, just grim necessity (and not always necessity).
Has anybody else gone from a negative idea of self-discipline to a positive one in their own lives? How did you do it? How did it help you?
How does Penelope Trunk always know when we need the most valuable advice in the world? We’ll never know, but this post is a fantastic example of how great of a communicator & thinker she is, on topics most of us can’t/don’t want to fathom
Thanks, great article. As an addition read article “Training self-discipline” (http://manprogress.com/en/methods/training-self-discipline.html)
After failing many times I am starting a new goal of working out 2xday tomorrow. I have a problem with focusing and not finishing what I start… I feel so incompetent in all I do such as my job, sports, relationships. I’m happily married only cuz my hubby is vey tolerant. I wanna fix all the parts I don’t like about myself. I’m attractive, educated and am able to keep a certain weight, however I am lazy and put off things for later. This article helped and I’m open to all suggestions. Thanks. Ozge
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