What’s the connection between abortion and careers?
I have had two abortions.
The first one was when I was twenty-seven. I was playing professional beach volleyball. I was playing volleyball eight hours a day and I spent two hours a day at the gym. I noticed that I was getting tired more easily, but I thought it meant I needed to train harder.
Then one weekend, a doctor friend on a visit saw me drop a plate one day, and a vase the next. I told her my hands just gave out because they were so tired.
She said I was anemic. Then she said, “Maybe you're pregnant.”
“I'm not,” I said. “I have a regular period.”
It turns out, though, that you can have a regular period and still be pregnant.
And I was. Fourteen weeks.
My friend said, “Schedule the abortion now. You're already late for it.”
I didn't do anything. I was in shock. My boyfriend was in shock. Neither of us had ever had a pregnancy. I couldn't believe the whole process actually worked, to be honest.
I told my mom I was pregnant. She said, “Get an abortion.”
I didn't say anything. I wasn't really thinking I had any choices. I didn't have a job that could support a child. And I wasn't sure if I was planning to marry my boyfriend, although we were living together. I knew that I had big ideas for my life and I hadn't figured things out yet.
My mom got militant. “You'll destroy your career possibilities.”
She riffed on this theme for a week, calling me every night. Her passion is understandable. My mom took a job when I was young because she hated being home with kids. She endured interview questions like, “Does your husband want you away from home working?” She was one of the first women to become an executive at her Fortune 500 company. She blazed trails so I could have career goals that required an abortion to preserve.
Here's what else happened: Other women called. It turned out that many, many women I knew had had an abortion. This is not something women talk about. I mean, I had no idea how ubiquitous the procedure was, at least in my big-city, liberal, Jewish world.
Each of those women told me that I should get an abortion so that I could keep my options open. “You're a smart girl. You can do anything with your life right now. Don't ruin it.”
My boyfriend was laying low. He was no slouch when it came to pro-choice politics and he knew it was, ultimately, my decision.
But the minute I said I would get an abortion, he was driving me to Planned Parenthood.
You had to go once to set up the appointment, and then go back.
When I went back, I had a panic attack. I was on the table, in a hospital gown, screaming.
The nurse asked me if I was a religious Christian.
The boyfriend asked me if I was aware that my abortion would be basically illegal in seven more days.
I couldn't stop screaming. I was too scared. I felt absolutely sick that I was going to kill a baby. And, now that I know more about being a mother, I understand that hormones had already kicked in to make me want to keep the baby. We left. No abortion.
My boyfriend started panicking by suddenly staying really late at work and going out with friends a lot. I stopped playing volleyball because I got tired so quickly.
People kept calling me: They said, “Think about how you'll support the child. Think about what you'll do if your boyfriend leaves you. You're all alone in LA with no family. How will you take care of yourself?”
People gave me advice: Get a job. Once you have established yourself in a career, you'll feel much better about having kids. Figure out where you fit in the world. Get a job, then get married, and then have kids.
I scheduled another abortion. But it was past the time when Planned Parenthood will do an abortion. Now it was a very expensive one at a clinic that seemed to cater to women coming from Christian countries in South America. I knew that if I did not go through with it this time, no one would do the abortion. I was too far along.
So I did it.
I went to sleep with a baby and woke up without one. Groggy. Unsure about everything. Everything in the whole world.
People think abortion is such an easy choice–they say, “Don't use abortion as birth control.” Any woman who has had one will tell you how that is such crazy talk. Because an abortion is terrible. You never stop thinking about the baby you killed. You never stop thinking about the guy you were with when you killed the baby you made with him. You never stop wondering.
So the second time I got pregnant, I thought of killing myself. My career was soaring. I was 30 and I felt like I had everything going for me — great job, great boyfriend, and finally, for the first time ever, I had enough money to support myself. I hated that I put myself in the position of either losing all that or killing a baby.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. I knew what they'd say.
So I completely checked out emotionally. I scheduled the abortion like I was on autopilot. I told my boyfriend at the last minute and told him not to come with me.
He said forget it. He's coming with me.
I remember staring at the wall. Telling myself to stop thinking of anything.
The doctor asked me, “Do you understand what's going to happen?”
I said yes. That's all I remember.
I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.
And here I am, with the amazing career.
But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don't need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
It doesn't matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won't create an earthquake underneath that confidence.
I think about the men I was with when I had the abortions. They were not bad men. One is my ex-husband. So much of life is a gamble, and I think I might have had as good a chance of staying together with the first guy as I did with my ex-husband. And I am not sure that my life would have turned out worse if I had had kids early. I am not sure it would have turned out better. I'm not even sure it would have been that different.
You never know, not really. There is little certainty. But there are some certain truths: It's very hard to have an abortion. And, there is not a perfect time to have kids.
And I wonder, are there other women out there who had abortions in the name of their career and their potential? What do those women think now?
After reading this article, two thoughts come to mind.
It is clear abortions do not build relationships. A friend of mine encouraged his girlfriend to get an abortion but she did not have the money, so she put her canoe up as collateral and he paid for the abortion. They went thier separate ways after her 50% was paid. No I am wrong, I think she gave him the canoe and they went thier own way after a couple days.
My other thought after reading this is I can not imagine a mother promoting to abort her grandchild. I can understand how your decision was made in the first place when not receiving sound council from a parent.
Experiences are different. I’m still with the man who first made me pregnant more than 40 years ago. We had 3 abortions, 1 miscarriage, 3 live children and a wonderful life together in spite of the fact that we didn’t choose to get married for 10 years.
It was refreshing to read this article. I am recently married and while my husband and I have spoken of possibly wanting kids someday, we are both certain that we have no desire to have kids anytime soon. We are not financially ready and are both working on starting our careers (he going to get a doctorate, myself just beginning a residency program). Also, we are fairly young, at least in our minds (mid-20s), and we have many years ahead of us to have children.
I also wonder what I would do if we became pregnant. I am not sure if we would arrive at the same conclusion, although we are both pro-choice. However, I feel that having the option to have an abortion is important. We are incredibly vigilant when it comes to protection (I am on the pill and take it religiously and he uses condoms, as well), but even with all of these precautions, it could still happen. Thank you to Penelope for sharing a genuine experience that so many women can relate to, whether figuratively or directly.
Whatever happened to never having kids at all? “Family” and gender stereotypes and expectations ruin women’s lives – do as much as you can possibly do to NOT be a “woman” and get on with life as a real person.
Loved this post. I will need to go back and read all the comments later. I did not interpret your post as anti-abortion. I just read it as sharing your experience.
I must say that I am very impressed with you for talking about your abortion experience. It is definitely not something that women talk about and I think that in order to engage further on the issue of reproductive choice it’s something that we MUST do. To that end, I will tell you mine. I was 15 years old when I decided I was going to have sex with my boyfriend of one year. My limited knowledge of birth control was the Catholic ‘rhythm’ method which is what my mom talked about, and my boyfriend thought that would work just fine. Of course I ended up pregnant. I was nearly 16 years old and on summer break, I was going to be a Junior in high school and all I could think about was how stupid I was to have done this to myself and how there was no way I could have this baby.
I lived in a state where you had to be 16 in order to get an abortion without getting your parents involved. I found this out by opening up the yellow pages and calling around to a few clinics. I settled upon Planned Parenthood, mainly because I knew the name and to me it meant safety. I had heard stories of women who couldn’t get abortions and what they had to go through to get them done illegally and thanked God that I had this option of a safe abortion in a safe environment. I was scared to death and did not want to tell my parents or any of my friends. I did tell one friend who I thought I could trust with my ‘secret’ and she went with me to the clinic to get the test and schedule the appointment for the abortion.
On the day of my abortion, I told my parents I was going to the lake with friends and would be gone all day and not be home until late in the evening. My boyfriend took me to the clinic and I was scared to death. I went into a room with 5 or 6 other women all my age, which made me feel much better. We were all given a valium to take and briefed by the nurse on what exactly was going to happen in the room. I was still scared to death. When my turn came I put on my brave face and laid down on the gurney. A nurse held my hand through the whole thing and looked at me. I knew that I was making the right decision just by the way she looked at me. I was too young and too naive to have a baby. I knew that I was saving myself, my life, my career potential, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my everything, by making this decision. It does not meant that I was cavilier in my decision making though it is one that I have never regretted or looked back upon and think I would have done things different. I learned a great lesson about personal responsibility that I bear with me every day of my life. I often think about what my life would have been life and how different it would have been if I had a child at 16 years old. They would be 24 years old now. I am now 40 and just now thinking about having a child for the first time. I am grateful to have had the choice of what to do with my life and how to live.
The freedom of reproductive choice is so basic, and so important and should never ever be taken for granted. I appreciate your telling your story, which has allowed me to tell mine. I have only spoken about this with a handful of people, and have never talked about the full experience. So thank you, and please keep doing what you are doing and inspiring others to do the same.
Great post. Thank you for sharing such a persona thing that affects the professional
This post hit me very hard because I just had an abortion, mostly to preserve my career as an artist. The only difference between me and you is that I have never wanted children. I always thought if I accidentally got pregnant I would go ahead and have it, because I thought I could never go through an abortion and my husband and I both love children, though we don’t want any of our own. But when I found out I was pregnant, it took me less than 24 hours to make the decision. I just couldn’t go through with having a child I really don’t want, and I’ve been in a very good place with my career. The ironic thing is that I’m 39, never been pregnant, and I have more than a few friends my age who are losing their minds because they can’t get pregnant. Thanks for talking about this. Everything you said was true to me.
Cecelia I hope you will get in touch with Rachel’s Vineyard.
Hi Penelope,
I’ve been reading your blog for about six months and have never actually responded to a post before. After scanning the comments and seeing some of the responses, I felt compelled to write. I’m sure you knew that some people would rake you over the coals about this post. That doesn’t mean the comments aren’t hurtful. If the comments begin to get to you, go back to the place of certainty you were in when you decided to post this. Because it is an amazing post, and you were right to share this.
Jessica
This was such a honest post. Thank you.
I read your blog regularly and I was shocked by your honesty. I was literally floored for several minutes at the idea that you just wrote it, out there for all to see. I felt this way because I have had two abortions myself, and the shame has prevented me from ever telling even those closest to me, let alone the entire world via web. Wow, I can’t believe I said it, or typed it, whatever…the point is that as career women we are programmed to make choices practically, analytically, with mascara and a smile, and get right back to work. I have since then had two children and adopted one, am settled into my career and spend little time reflecting on those decisions. My son is 6 with moderate-severe Autism, and with his busy schedule, being a female business owner, and my other two children, the only bad thoughts I still have are that what if…you know that ridiculous what if game. I would like to Thank You for staying out there and sharing your innermost…it is liberating to feel we stand together as a sisterhood, instead of tearing each other down.
You’re absolutely spectacular for writing about this so honestly. Every few months I find myself thinking “if I got pregnant now, would I have it?” The answer is always no, and yet I wonder when that will change.
Penelope, first, my prayers are with you. Second, I think you would probably agree with this, said by Mother Theresa:
“It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.”
To those who have written in defense of abortion, let’s be clear: abortion kills a baby, and no one has the right to take the life of another innocent human being. No one.
You think two cells dividing are a child. Many of us don’t and don’t mean to have our lives dictated by other people’s attitudes. ::shrug::
Alice,
Why is Cyrille’s opinion dictorial, but yours is not? I find it interesting that pro-lifer’s are wrong for expressing their views but pro-choice has every right to.
oooooo….yeah….touchy subject.
I’m against abortion…totally….it kills innocent human beings.
However…whats done is done.
I’m not sure if I want to applaud you for being blunt about your private life…or if I want to tell you how disgusted I am that you aborted two children.
Either way….it’s a selfish act, abortion. Which makes you a selfish person.
I’ll keep reading you though….you never cease to entertain me.
What a sad, sad society we live in where a child will “destroy your career opportunities” It’s one of the reasons I cringe every time you write that sexism is dead – no it’s not, it’s just targeted at mothers. Is having kids hard? Absolutely – but the response from your friends and family demonstrate just how frayed our social network is.
Whenever I read a post of a young women who talks about being encouraged, even badgered by her boyfriend, parents and family about getting an abortion – because she has “potential” I’m thankful for my family. I’ve always known that no matter what happened in life – my parents would be there to support me. It’s truly a gift that can’t be underestimated. I in turn chose a husband with the same values. I have been blessed with incredible career success, which I’ve worked very hard for and my family, including my husband have sacrificed for – but NOTHING is more important than my friends and family.
Amen, Sara. I’m supporting this theme on this blog entry.
Amazingly enough a pregnancy and/or baby doesn’t suck “the potential” right out of you or anything. I mean, heck even supermodels and movie stars, come back to form after pregancy…and at 38 weeks right now…pregnancy admittedly does take a bit of a toll on the body, but evidently even that can be recovered from.
I love this blog. Thank you Penelope. You have inspired me to send this out in an e-mail to my friends (I borrowed from your post a bit)…
This is a seriously heavy e-mail. It is not quick or particularly fun so if you don't have some quiet time you might want to wait, and read it later. I have been thinking a lot about the murder of Kansas abortion doctor Dr. George Tiller. I feel really passionate about abortion. My mom had an abortion when she was in her early 20s and I have always really admired her candor. In the wake of the murder I have been feeling helpless, and don't know what to do to support women who want legal clean safe abortions. What I hear people saying on the news is that women need to come forward with their stories. Maybe if we all knew how common it was we would support each other.
I have had an abortion.
It was in April of 08 four months before my wedding. I have never had an easy go with birth control. I can't take estrogen, I expel IUDs, Nuva ring made me cry for 3 straight weeks. I had to go to the emergency room one evening in March to have another IUD removed because I was having blinding cramps and way way too much bleeding. My attitude that night was get this damn thing out of me. Needless to say I didn't have a plan going forward.
I started to feel exhausted. Crazy crazy tired. I noticed I was late so I bought a pregnancy test and it was positive. I completely freaked. Lots of hysterical crying and long conversations with my mom. I wasn't stoked about being 4 months pregnant at my wedding and felt very clear that I did not want this to be happening at that time. My boyfriend and I went to Planned Parenthood and they did a more accurate test that turned out to be negative. I was beyond elated. I was literally singing in the streets. I took my positive pregnancy test to a book club meeting to share with my friends how relieved I was! My best friend's sister is a nurse and she suggested I get a blood test done to verify the results because sometimes the hormone can be diluted in your urine resulting in a false negative. False positives, however, are super rare.
The knot in my stomach began to grow again. I went to the Swedish women's clinic and they took a blood sample and a urine sample. The urine sample came back negative – the blood sample came back positive.
I immediately scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood. At this point it was too early to do anything. I was 5 or so weeks along and because they could not visually confirm the pregnancy I could not have an abortion. Makes sense right, if you can't see it you can't remove it. So I had to wait two weeks. I had sinus surgery scheduled for the next week which was totally brutal. Of course they asked me if I was pregnant and I had to say no. Then when I was able to have the procedure I was in an awful state of sinus recovery. This can probably be characterized as the worst two weeks of my life.
People think abortion is such an easy choice – they say, "Don't use abortion as birth control." Any woman who has had one will tell you how that is bat shit crazy talk. Because an abortion is terrible. It feels shameful and it is irreversible. It was less painful than getting an IUD but it deeply moves you.
I can't tell you how grateful I was to have choices. I'm a smart girl with resources. I have a degree in Cell and Molecular Biology – I know how these things work. I understand cell division and reproduction at an intimate level. I have watched the frozen stages of fertilization under a microscope. But I still got pregnant. With someone I love. In a relationship that I intended to be in forever. But I desperately didn't want that baby. I would have done anything not to have it. And I did. I started drinking loads of vitamin C because I heard it can result in a miscarriage. I consider myself lucky because I could go somewhere clean and safe and make my decision without intimidation or shame. I could be with a caring doctor who knew what she was doing and didn't show judgment.
When my mom had her abortion 40 years ago it was with a podiatrist. Seriously. 1 out of every 3 women has had an abortion in the US. We need to be there for each other and can't do that if we can't talk about it.
I have been married for 10 months now. I'm 30 and I love being married and I'm glad a I got a chance to experience this without kids. But having the right to decide makes the world a better place. If you don't believe me read Freakonomics.
Freakanomics is silly, but loved by liberals. I am very well educated, a businessman, and most things I have read in it are completely misleading and outright false, kind of like watching Michael Moore movies and believing them at their word.
It will be interesting to see how well your marriage turns out. Stats for successful marriages after abortion of the couple’s child is slim. Not 1 out of 3 women have an abortion. Many women have repeat (repeat, repeat, repeat) abortions which greatly raises the stats. But whatever rationalization makes you feel better . . . . .
I am always surprised when people say they are waiting for the right time to have children. Having children is expensive and requires sacrifice and anyone that says otherwise is lying or has a nanny.
I gave up my career to care for my children, a choice and a sacrifice I am glad I was able to make. It did not matter how many awards or grants I received for my work, how many degrees, and how much money I had, I did not feel that I could do both with the same intensity.
Some people that have children while young never seem to step away from government assistance; others seem to do what ever it takes to achieve career success and financial stability. Penelope is right when she states that she will never know what would have happened all those years ago. And now with children with special needs, her role still continues to be a tough one trying to balance being a parent and professional.
This post provides context to earlier posts.
It says a lot about the pressure Penelope’s had to succeed. Pressure placed on her by her mother, in fact.
Thanks, Penelope, for observing that there is never the "right time" for a child. In the ideal world, a woman will decide the timing of her relationships, career and children, if desired. Reality is quite the contrary. The best laid plans turn out to be doors that randomly open and shut. Individual fertility and biological clock are unpredictable. And, adoption or not, parenting can be among the greatest challenges, joys, and tragedies of life. If children arrive, compromise is the rule of each day. Life is messy.
A woman mature enough would first consult her values and conscience in her decision-making process, preferably before ANY sex. For when she does, her path will be clear.
What Penelope has been brought up is the possibility of regret for decisions made, based on others' expectations (parents, peers, etc.). It takes strength to set the boundaries of public opinion and to do what is right. To do what is in the best interest of your prospective child and the father (if you even wondered whether a fetus IS a baby) or yourself (if you firmly believe a fetus is NOT a baby). Conscience allows no gray area.
A baby should be the result of a deliberate act of love, not selfish gratification. The child deserves two loving parents, and, in the case of an "accidental" pregnancy, adoption can provide that.
Someone on my GReader list shared this post, and I struggle with what to say.
But in a nutshell, I admire your bravery in writing this and your courage for making those choices. I don’t care what people will say and who will bash you. It was your decision to make and I’m more than glad that I read this. Thank you so very much for sharing it.
This is an amazing and incredibly courageous post. Thank you, thank you. I waited until I was 35 to have children (after getting a doctorate) and find myself at almost 40 continuing the struggle to find myself professionally. My children are the most amazing gift to me and yet balancing a satisfying professional life and work as a parent and a wife, is challenging beyond my wildest dreams and expectations. The world is still set up to reward professionals with a *stay-at-home wife.* And I mean *wife* in the broadest sense, someone who stokes the home fires and keeps everything going on the domestic front. When you share this responsiblity with your partner you are at an innate disadvantage in the working world. My cynical side says that this is not a coincidence, our American society is threatened by highly-achieving professional women, in general, and highly-achieving professional mothers, in particular.
I was always really worried about falling pregnant, in part for career reasons. I never had to make such a difficult decision because I was extremely careful and also lucky.
I agree with what you are saying – there is no right time to have a baby and women often regret abortions later on. I am pro-choice but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy decision for women.
However, I am surprised people didn’t tell you this at the time. I am actually very surprised that people were advocating you get an abortion on these grounds at age 27.
My family and support network is pro-choice. If I’d fallen pregnant at age 17, I’m sure that many people would have advised me to get an abortion. However, I can’t imagine that anyone would have told me to get an abortion at age 27. Most people would have supported my decision if I’d chosen to get one, while some might have tried to talk me out of it, not on moral absolutist grounds but simply because, as you say, there’s no one right time for kids and you never really forget an abortion.
“We were raised by women who saw motherhood as a trap and abortion as a much needed way out. With a huge amount of thanks to the work they did opening doors for us, I don’t think we’re as likely to see motherhood and career as mutually exclusive.”
This.
Thank you, thank you for making this post, PT.
I’ve never had an abortion, but as a Gen X’er who’s been told my whole life, “Career First!” I’ve put things off and now at age 35 am having enormous difficulty conceiving. (Been trying for 3 years) Now I’m terrified that my decision to put my career first may have been an empty and pointless choice. What’s the use of a six-figure salary if I don’t have a family of my own to share my joys and success with?
Everyone’s aware of the “over 35” fertility fiasco, but how I wish this had been framed differently. Instead of saying, “Don’t wait til 35” what if people had said, “Your twenties are a fine time to start.”
Sad to say, I still see a lot (most, actually) of my Boomer colleagues counseling their 25 year-old daughters to “wait” mostly because they are dreading grandmotherhood and they don’t want to feel “old” Makes me want to slap them!
251 responses already? Sometimes I wonder if you really want to share something this personal or if you are just a genius that knows how to get people talking. Actually I think it’s both. I’m sending Sarah Palin over to kick your ass!!!! Just kidding. You are an amazing woman Penelope, I still love you even though I disagree with you 52% of the time.
OK so at the heart of every pro-lifer’s debate is essentially a fetus is a person/human life and no one has the right to kill another human/fetus/baby.
Ok so the other day I saw a commercial for “Plan B” and they kept advertising it as, “this is NOT the ‘abortion pill'”. I was very confused and work amongst many doctors/scientific people and we got into a discussion about it.
Long story short there is RU 486 (the “abortion pill”) which in general scientific terms results in the dissolving of the uterine lining and chemical destruction of the embryo.
The Plan B pill aka “morning after pill” works by preventing implantation of the fertilized egg.
I wondered what the difference was b/c this Plan B commercial seemed to be marketed towards the more “pro-life” person as they kept repeating it was NOT the abortion pill.
After much involved discussion it was brought up that some “pro-life” advocates (not all but most) believe that conception does not occur until implantation of the fertilized egg! I was SHOCKED! All I could think of was a more asinine version of that Seinfeld episode, “it’s not a pizza until it comes OUT of the oven”. I just found that such an arbitrary starting point, scientifically one would think the second a sperm joins with an egg that should be the moment of conception where it is considered a “human life” that can not be destroyed yet even some pro-lifers can pick and choose when life starts based on their own opinions.
Why would they deny others (who don’t consider it a “human life” until it is either born or viable to be born) the same right?
The IUD works in the same way much of the time — prevents implantation.
Plan B is just a heavy dose of birth control pill hormones. I took it once (or an earlier version which was, literally 2 X four pills cut from a pack of BCPs) after a condom broke. Although less dramatic than an abortion, I don’t think too many women who’ve had it would want to take Plan B again. A heavy dose of hormones can make you quite sick for a few days.
I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about plan B, but it didn’t affect me like that at all. Apparently the bad experiences aren’t the norm. I had the most horrible period 2 weeks later, though.
This post is completely amazing and incredibly courageous. While it is not an experience I’ve gone through personally at the same time I’ve been thinking very hard about – the feeling that I have to make a choice between a family and a career. It is a nice reminder that you now have both. Even if it is crazy sometimes!!!
I don’t have time to read all of the comments, but I just want to say, I appreciate your honesty and bravery in posting this. It speaks volumes.
Can you share why you posted this story? Is it because it still hurts you?
NO can or should be JUDGING if they do NOT know what that experience is like.
Jen
That’s what’s so terrifying to so many men about giving women control over their bodies. It’s just so much power for one person – she can literally change the course of several lives, and choose whether or not to start the course for a new one. To allow half the population to do this, especially when we’re still trying to pretend they’re weak and inferior… it’s staggering.
You have courage, Penelope. I have not ever been in a position to have to make that decision and for that, I am grateful. As a woman who never wanted children, I have often wondered whether I would choose to abort a pregnancy; I hope I never get to answer that question.
The reason women don’t talk about their abortions is clearly evidenced here in many of the comments. It’s a very personal decision and people who don’t understand why you would make that choice will drown out the voices of support with their simplistic rationalizations of how you should live your life.
I always thought my mother was selfish for bringing children into the world when she was clearly not prepared or able to properly care for us. She used to say I was selfish for not wanting children. I don’t understand why choosing to have a baby for your own selfish reasons is so superior to choosing not to. I suppose martyrs are more easily loved.
Wow. I’ve never commented on your blog before, but what a raw, amazing post. Keep going.
As many have stated, it takes courage to open up so personally on such a topic. And perhaps it also reveals what has become a terrible situation in our society, that when a women is facing an unplanned pregnancy, the default position of those around her is abortion. As Penelope noted she felt an internal revulsion to what she was considering and yet the pressure from outside overwhelmed her. The tragedy is that no one wants to recognize the very serious and sacred bond that exists between a mother and her child. The society does women no real respect when it is so disregarded and the consideration of motherhood so disrespected. There was an obvious pain that all involved suffer and again the consequence of such action is its eternal impact.
We must provide a better option for the woman in the untended pregnant situation. Abortion is not a good thing for mothers, babies or the society as a whole. WE must offer a better way. I would propose that adoption is a better solution to the situation than abortion. It allows for a win win win result. And although there may be some pain associated with giving the child in adoption, it provides the mother with a memory that she did good and harm to her child. She offered the child hope and a chance for something better. Sacrificial though it may be, such an action would enrich the world and show true charity.
I hope those who find themselves in a difficult situation will ponder Penelope’s words and choose a better alternative that will mean life for their baby and a future with no regrets.
I have to agree that, in an ideal world, adoption is the superior choice when you don’t want a baby. Adoption doesn’t help at all if a woman doesn’t want to be pregnant. People will still harshly judge a woman who carries her baby to term and gives it up for adoption. There’s more to being pregnant than the end result.
“People will still harshly judge a woman who carries her baby to term and gives it up for adoption.”
We can change this view! What a beatiful gift adoption can be!
What an inspiringly brave blog post! I admire your raw honesty, courage, and wit. As a woman desiring to establish herself as a blogger but fighting fear about being as bold as she wants, you truly set some gears in motion! Thank you.
With respect to your thoughts on how career and abortion are connected, I commend you for pointing out how you really can have both and how maybe we need to be more careful about the kind of advice we hear from those in our immediate worlds. They may love us and think they are giving us advice based upon what is best for us. However, only we can know what is right for us. Your gut told you, but you were persuaded by others not to listen. I bet you listen to your gut now!?
Penelope,
Thank you for posting your insights. I just arrived back home from postabortion counseling. My abortion was 35 years ago. After all of these years I still deal with the aftermath of the effect abortion had on me. This society makes abortion into a easy choice and it is not. I was told after the abortion that I made the right choice. End of story.
There are options. Though I know it sounds trite, Abortion is a permanent solution to a tempory problem.
Penelope, I would advise that you seek help from someone who understands abortion can and does effect women in an extremely negative way.
Thanks,
Linda
Oh Penelope, I am so sorry for what you went through….I counsel women at a crisis pregnancy center, and I have seen and heard every imaginable scenario for having an abortion, or not….some women who have had nine or ten abortions, and are clearly using it as birth control….and then the girls who are 14, and who expect so little from life, yet who choose life for their babies….and everything in between. Gut-wrenching decisions, all. I counsel from a Christian perspective…that every sin against God you have ever committed, or ever will commit, has been paid for on the Cross, by Jesus Christ….He knows them all, He has paid for them all. You need only accept the pardon He has freely offered. A very tough thing for a culturally Jewish woman to accept, I know….there is always the feeling that you have to EARN the right to be justified before God. A stumbling block, and foolishness to those who don’t believe, to be sure. Peace and grace to you, Penelope….I wish you the best, and thank you for bringing this pain to the light. I pray for your healing, my sister….
I made this comment above, but just in case some folk hadn’t seen it:
IF YOU ARE AGAINST ABORTIONS, DON’T HAVE ONE.
You would have been a great help during the civil rights movement.
After reading most of this I wonder about the label ‘selfish’. Many commenters have said it is selfish to have an abortion. So what? What’s wrong with being selfish? If I want to be selfish I will. If I want to have an abortion I will.
What I will not do is judge or label anyone for their choice, no matter how profoundly I disagree with it.
Do what you want. Face the consequences. Move on (or not).
It seems that the reason most of us have abortions is our convenience, not our health.
So, is abortion an issue of women’s health, or is it a quality of life issue?
Who cares?
Would you make a distinction between health and quality of life? I think the two are intrinsically connected myself.
The post is a fucking hammer to the dome. Big ups to P-Trunk for putting it out there.
Great question by Tators above. I’m a dude, but in my (not very well) informed opinion, abortion appears to be a matter of convenience and preserving quality of life. It appeared that way for the two instances Penelope described above. Obviously, convienence is not the reason all the time, but a significant enough percentage. Does that make it wrong or right? IMO, that’s an intensely private decision and not for us to judge. I do know that if it was me, I’d choose the option that preserved my quality of life.
Penelope, what an amazing story, I was riveted and must thank you so so very much for having the courage to share such a personal experience with all who care to read. I’m sure you knew you would get some ignoramuses on here spouting how sick, deluded and disgusting you are, but you come across as an itelligent and reflective person so I am sure you coping with that.
I have never had an abortion, but I completely identify with the ‘right to to have kids’ issue, you are right, no matter when you do it, who you do it with, the experience will always throw your life into a massive spin. Whether you are young and full of energy or older and more financially secure, it just doesn’t matter.
No two situations can be compared when making such a life altering decision, but when making life altering decisions, it is after all your life. Thanks you again for being so open.
The Party Mums
Birthday Party for Kids
I am from Great Britain and knowing the controversy over there in the US about abortion I commend you for an extremely brave post, both professionally and personally. Read carefully, those with the immediate negative reaction. Penelope’s story is not black and white and the message she leaves us with is that she perhaps didn’t make the right choice, in retrospect, and is left with the emotional consequences. However we are all faced with difficult choices at some time in our lives and all we can do is do the best we can at that particular moment. Thanks, Penelope, for being so brave in questioning your own choice and sharing the lessons you have learned for the benefit of others. There is definitely material here to support either camp in the abortion debate, however it’s a very personal story and who are we to judge. We should thank Penelope for opening up such a topic in such a insightful way and perhaps encouraging others to question the choices involved.
Keepin it real Penolepe. These things happen and we make decisions then that we may not make now. Live and learn and forgive yourself for being human. No one is there to tell you the optimal choice to make. You have to weigh up your situation at the time and base decisions on those circumstances. Then they change. What works yesterday may not work today and same for tomorrow. Be here now.
Love,
Virginia
Its interesting to read how many of you take pregnancy for granted and that you think its something in your control, you assume that you can have another pregnancy any time you want. And sadly for 12% (fertility europe report) of you, you will not conceive again; either because of complications as a result of the abortion, or for some other reason 12% of us become infertile and treatment will not be successful, meaning for some of us that we
will never be able to get pregnant again and i think its important to bear this in mind when you decide to abort. That there is a possibility that when you do feel ready to have kids, you just wont be able to have them. How will you live with that? I’m trying to deal with this and it’s pretty horrible, soul destroying, to say the least.
‘ Right to have kids ‘ and a right to choose when to have them is or get rid of them. Hmmmm. What about the fact that many women leave it too late to have kids? Many women who have had abortions in their teens, twenties and early thirties have to contend with the awful discovery that they no longer can conceive….infertility is on the rise, and the main reason for it is elderly eggs, in othr words, leaving it too late. From age 30 our fertility is in decline, and it’s a rapid decline from age 35. So if you think its important to keep the career going and that you can always have a baby in your late 30s, you may be lucky but theres a big chance you may not be able to have a baby years later,,, how will you live with that?
Personally, I’ll “live with that” by working to promote healthcare for everyone, and a living wage. You seem to have no idea what it’s like to be 20 years old in this country. The idea that someday no babies are possible is often of lower consideration than just survival.
Penelope, I am not judging you here. These are just my thoughts – .
Terminating a pregnancy because the fetus has severe deformities and will obviously not live or will have extreme problems (brain dead) – – – – – – This I understand
Terminating a pregnancy because the life of the mother is in danger. And by this I mean that the mother would have a good possibility of death if the pregnancy continued – – – – – This I understand
Terminating a pregnancy of a healthy child with a healthy mother just because of inconvenience – – .This I will never understand.
Think about it, you create a life (planned or not it doesn't really matter). And to me this life has every right to grow, learn, love, feel joy, feel pain, succeed, have failure, make choices good and bad – – – .I could not deny this person these rights. I also don't think it matters that I am a man. My now wife and I had a child at the most inopportune time that you can imagine. We decided that this child had rights that we could not deny.
I live in a country in Europe where abortion is “legal”. However, I am one of the many women who got pregnant willingly in our early 30’s but lied at work. I said this baby is unplanned but I decide to keep it. This is better off for us because then they know we are not planning to have a life but we want to dedicate our time with work, get the promotion, etc. So, I lied. When I got the baby, I did not get any promotion because I was away on maternity leave and I did not reach the sales quota. I changed job and now my child is 3 years old. People kept asking me if I will get a 2nd child, even people at work, to which I said no. I told another lie, I said I was so traumatised with the birth I don’t want to ever go through that again. I want to preserve my chance at a promotion. Will I make the chance? I don’t know but I do know that some male managers are pushing me forward or upwards the career ladder. I am putting aside my yearning for a 2nd child for career. That is for sure.
290 comments and counting. Is this a record for you? Let us know.
Penelope,
Thank you for checking out my blog and for your e-mail message.
I’m very sorry to hear about your decisions to have two abortions. I love kids (and people of all the other ages too)!
I can’t imagine being faced with a decision like that. The medical decisions I have faced were easy compared to what you have gone through.
My mother wanted to have ten (10) children. But fortunately for us she only had five (5), because she died when I was eleven years old. We lived on a farm, had a garden, apple trees, and it was a different time back then.
Both my parents had jobs, careers. My oldest sister was like a mother to the rest of us. I know that wasn’t fair for her but she did a fantastic job, even to this day.
My wife had only one child because she had toxemia during the pregnancy and almost died during the delivery. I had a vasectomy as the birth control measure. That was easy.
It is a lot easier for the guy to make sure he doesn’t cause any unwanted pregnancies.
To answer your question; There should be no connection!
I’m glad Penelope was not my mother. I might not be here.
Thank you for sharing this.
i did too… but i don’t/didn’t have the guts 2 share it.
thank you, penelope.
Congratulations – you’ve just lost a reader.
No, not because you wish you didn’t have an abortion.That’s your business, your right, and most importantly, it was YOUR choice.
You lost a reader because the very, very strong subtext of your post is that you are judging women who choose to have abortions and do honestly know that having a child at that time will greatly interfere with their schooling or careers.
No one should need to have a second or third-trimester abortion, ever. If abortions were affordable, accessible and without judgment, I’m sure that the rate of traumatic second-trimester abortions would fall nearly to zero.
In the words of the late Dr. Tiller – “TRUST WOMEN”. And do not judge other women for their CHOICE. You clearly regret your choice, but all that says to me is that you should not have had an abortion. Shame on you for your judgment of other women.