What’s the connection between abortion and careers?
I have had two abortions.
The first one was when I was twenty-seven. I was playing professional beach volleyball. I was playing volleyball eight hours a day and I spent two hours a day at the gym. I noticed that I was getting tired more easily, but I thought it meant I needed to train harder.
Then one weekend, a doctor friend on a visit saw me drop a plate one day, and a vase the next. I told her my hands just gave out because they were so tired.
She said I was anemic. Then she said, “Maybe you're pregnant.”
“I'm not,” I said. “I have a regular period.”
It turns out, though, that you can have a regular period and still be pregnant.
And I was. Fourteen weeks.
My friend said, “Schedule the abortion now. You're already late for it.”
I didn't do anything. I was in shock. My boyfriend was in shock. Neither of us had ever had a pregnancy. I couldn't believe the whole process actually worked, to be honest.
I told my mom I was pregnant. She said, “Get an abortion.”
I didn't say anything. I wasn't really thinking I had any choices. I didn't have a job that could support a child. And I wasn't sure if I was planning to marry my boyfriend, although we were living together. I knew that I had big ideas for my life and I hadn't figured things out yet.
My mom got militant. “You'll destroy your career possibilities.”
She riffed on this theme for a week, calling me every night. Her passion is understandable. My mom took a job when I was young because she hated being home with kids. She endured interview questions like, “Does your husband want you away from home working?” She was one of the first women to become an executive at her Fortune 500 company. She blazed trails so I could have career goals that required an abortion to preserve.
Here's what else happened: Other women called. It turned out that many, many women I knew had had an abortion. This is not something women talk about. I mean, I had no idea how ubiquitous the procedure was, at least in my big-city, liberal, Jewish world.
Each of those women told me that I should get an abortion so that I could keep my options open. “You're a smart girl. You can do anything with your life right now. Don't ruin it.”
My boyfriend was laying low. He was no slouch when it came to pro-choice politics and he knew it was, ultimately, my decision.
But the minute I said I would get an abortion, he was driving me to Planned Parenthood.
You had to go once to set up the appointment, and then go back.
When I went back, I had a panic attack. I was on the table, in a hospital gown, screaming.
The nurse asked me if I was a religious Christian.
The boyfriend asked me if I was aware that my abortion would be basically illegal in seven more days.
I couldn't stop screaming. I was too scared. I felt absolutely sick that I was going to kill a baby. And, now that I know more about being a mother, I understand that hormones had already kicked in to make me want to keep the baby. We left. No abortion.
My boyfriend started panicking by suddenly staying really late at work and going out with friends a lot. I stopped playing volleyball because I got tired so quickly.
People kept calling me: They said, “Think about how you'll support the child. Think about what you'll do if your boyfriend leaves you. You're all alone in LA with no family. How will you take care of yourself?”
People gave me advice: Get a job. Once you have established yourself in a career, you'll feel much better about having kids. Figure out where you fit in the world. Get a job, then get married, and then have kids.
I scheduled another abortion. But it was past the time when Planned Parenthood will do an abortion. Now it was a very expensive one at a clinic that seemed to cater to women coming from Christian countries in South America. I knew that if I did not go through with it this time, no one would do the abortion. I was too far along.
So I did it.
I went to sleep with a baby and woke up without one. Groggy. Unsure about everything. Everything in the whole world.
People think abortion is such an easy choice–they say, “Don't use abortion as birth control.” Any woman who has had one will tell you how that is such crazy talk. Because an abortion is terrible. You never stop thinking about the baby you killed. You never stop thinking about the guy you were with when you killed the baby you made with him. You never stop wondering.
So the second time I got pregnant, I thought of killing myself. My career was soaring. I was 30 and I felt like I had everything going for me — great job, great boyfriend, and finally, for the first time ever, I had enough money to support myself. I hated that I put myself in the position of either losing all that or killing a baby.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. I knew what they'd say.
So I completely checked out emotionally. I scheduled the abortion like I was on autopilot. I told my boyfriend at the last minute and told him not to come with me.
He said forget it. He's coming with me.
I remember staring at the wall. Telling myself to stop thinking of anything.
The doctor asked me, “Do you understand what's going to happen?”
I said yes. That's all I remember.
I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.
And here I am, with the amazing career.
But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don't need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
It doesn't matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won't create an earthquake underneath that confidence.
I think about the men I was with when I had the abortions. They were not bad men. One is my ex-husband. So much of life is a gamble, and I think I might have had as good a chance of staying together with the first guy as I did with my ex-husband. And I am not sure that my life would have turned out worse if I had had kids early. I am not sure it would have turned out better. I'm not even sure it would have been that different.
You never know, not really. There is little certainty. But there are some certain truths: It's very hard to have an abortion. And, there is not a perfect time to have kids.
And I wonder, are there other women out there who had abortions in the name of their career and their potential? What do those women think now?
I am usually just an avid reader but this post has compelled me to comment.
I had an abortion when I was 19. I did not consider my options because at the time I really felt like there was no other choice. I never talk about it now, except to my best friend when we have had a lot to drink or to my husband when I am especially low. Even now, I find it difficult to type this – I am at my desk in a corporate law firm. I think that we need to talk about this topic more. Not in terms of how it might or might not affect a career, simply in terms of how it makes us feel.
I was truely in love with my boyfriend at the time but we just couldn’t make it through the pain and the grief. I guess we were just kids ourselves. I think about him sometimes as is only natural when you share something that huge with someone.
I am now 26 and married to a wonderful man and we are hoping to start a family soon. People talk about the what-ifs but I am certain that my husband would have still loved me even if I had met him with a toddler in tow.
I think about the baby that wasn’t a lot – to the extent that I fear that my desire to start a family is in some way to make-up for what I did.
Above all else I would love now to have a conversation with my 19 year old self. I would tell myself not to be afraid – that life has a way of working itself out regardless.
I take such comfort from the other comments posted here – other women sharing their experiences. I feel less alone. And that is all anyone can ask for.
While I appreciate your candour, I question how any responsible person can get have two unwanted pregnancies. There is absolutely no need for this so yes, in spite of your denial, you used abortion as a method of birth control – twice.
And yes, I know that no method is 100 % which is why anyone that doesn't want to be pregnant should use two. Condom plus the pill – every time.
That’s an unfair burden to place on women. The pill has nasty side-effects, some of which are simply unbearable for some women.
Its so frustrating to hear stories like this… when my husband and I want nothing more than to have a baby and some feel like they can just say “oh not right now, maybe later” to the miracle they have been given. Do you know how much of a miracle a baby is?
I want to say it sounds like you regretted your decisions, but I’m not entirely sure… and I’m not judging, it just makes me sad in my own situation. We all make our own decisions.
I dont know that I’ll be reading anymore…
BP, hang in there, my wife and I had two miscarriages (a baby is just as much responsiblity for a man as it is a woman) and have been blessed with the most beautiful girl in the world. Honestly, people thought we had a C section baby because her face came out without flaws (this wouldn’t matter to us anyway) and she is a breeze to take care of compared to the horror stories we heard from others not sleeping through the night.
Keep your head up high, say your prayers, and keep going to the doctor until they figure out what is wrong. We had to be on Lovenox, but once we started those shots up, the rest was easy (certainly a blood thinner is not fun to be on, but the pregnancy itself was easier than most, as was the birth).
Good luck.
Just because you are having a hard time having a child doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a burden placed on her by becoming pregnant. One person’s blessing is another person’s curse.
Also doesn’t mean that in reading a “career” blog I want to stumble upon an abortion topic. Although with Penelope, I guess anything is possible.
Thanks Dan :)
You are welcome BP. Hang in there, a child is the best thing that will ever happen to you, and even as a man who has desperately wanted to be a father his entire life, our baby has easily exceeded our greatest expectations.
I can’t stop thinking about her, my daughter, I am just crazy about everything she does, her yawns, her little hand movements, her beautiful eyes when she finally wakes up to peek around the room, it’s just incredible.
As for the other comment, a baby is not a curse, there are people who get pregnant who are a curse, the baby is a blessing. Why should my daughter live because she is in the lucky sperm club? Ever child is equally important.
Hey P,
Thanks for the honesty. I too have had abortions and they are never easy. You’re right, you never get over it and you’ll always wonder, was it really worth it. It will never seem to be; especially as you get better and better at navigating life. I think career and abortions have a lot to do with each other b/c there is no doubt that having a kid may set you back farther than you’re ready and willing to go. Navigating maternity leave, no matter how long you’ve been with a company and no matter how much they like you, can be just as stressful as carrying the kid for 9 months. You find a way when you’re dealing with it but sometimes its hard to fathom taking the parenting direction when you know you aren’t ready.
Tough subject, great discussion!
While I appreciate P’s candor and her experience, a few things bother me about this post.
1. Two unwanted pregnancies. Really? I have been with my now husband for 18 years. Lots of sex. Appropriately used birth control. No unwanted pregnancies. Not because I am not fertile– quite the contrary. I have been pregnant three times, each time within two months of trying to conceive. I would just think that after one traumatic abortion, a woman would be more careful about avoiding another, clearly unwanted, pregnancy. Because birth control, when used according to directions, works well. And is certainly less controversial than abortion.
2. These abortions appear to have been entered into. . . almost under duress. They don’t seem to the product of unfettered choice. While I would never stand between a woman and her legal right to choose, it seems almost as if these choices were made by others, which plays into the regret. And makes me sad. While I adamantly believe in the right to choose, I don’t think the choice should ever be made under pressure. It’s a choice for the woman, about her OWN body and her own abilities to care for a potential child. Not about what someone else thinks or wants.
3. The regret. While this is a genuine experience for some women, for many, many others it is not. While the anti-choice camp has talked for many long years about the negative mental health effects of abortion, recent studies suggest that this is entirely inaccurate, and that many women feel a profound sense of relief and well-being after an abortion. So I guess I feel like the tone of the article was a *warning,* based on P’s personal experience of regret, which is hardly the case for most women. It comes across a bit as if, “I had this choice and I made it for myself not once, but TWICE. . . but now you really shouldn’t make it for yourself. Because it’s terrible and uneccessary.” And I guess that her choosing to abort twice but then her implicitly telling others not to bothers me more than a little.
Someone hit the nail on the head — selfishness.
There is no denying that a unique, unrepeatable human life exists at conception. That human life is violently stopped by an abortion. The question is — with that life in the balance — what issue could be worth taking it.
Career? Convenience? Lifestyle? Selfishness indeed.
There might be an argument for abortion that’s not selfish, but I haven’t heard it.
[btw, I currently have two wonderful friends who were conceived by rape, and you probably do too and don’t know it, so I can’t buy the exception for rape/incest. A painful crime doesn’t go away if a baby is killed.]
As far as men fearing powerful women, the sad truth is that while half of all babies are female, more than half of the babies aborted in the USA are female. And it’s worse in other countries with legal abortion. Ladies, we are killing our daughters.
Anyway, if anyone cares to google “demographic winter” we might agree this will be academic in a few decades.
Oh god. I don’t know why I bother but that Demographic Winter trailer is the most racist, xenophobic, misogynist alarmist crap I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some stuff.
Basically it’s a movie about how there aren’t going to be enough white babies in 2050. Oh the horror!
Yeah “no denying” life begins at conception. Glad you solved that millennium-long debate for us.
There might be some pro-lifers that can have an intellectually honest debate, but it ain’t you (and it really isn’t Dan).
Uh–you had abortions when you didn’t want to, so no one should have an abortion? Even when they are clear about what they want, and do just that?
Having a baby isn’t just about a career, either. It’s about maturity. If in doubt, wait! It’s far worse to raise a child without the maturity required for a stable family. I have seen too many women I *wish* had aborted, as they didn’t have the energy or maturity required to lovingly raise their children (to say nothing of the fathers!). Dysfunctional children grow up into dysfunctional adults, who have more dysfunctional children…
If you aren’t mature enough to have the baby, you aren’t mature enough to have the sex. So stop. It’s really that simple.
I never have wanted children. Guess I should never have sex then.
@PGS
I’m sorry, but that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Using abortion as a methods of (reckless) birth control simply means not taking any precautions (condom use, pill, etc.) while sexually active. And, since Ms. Trunk didn’t disclose her method of birth control – you’re jumping the gun on your opinion of Ms. Trunk using abortion as a means for birth control. I understand you acknowledge nothing is fool proof – but accidents DO happen.
Anyway, I thought this was one of the more interesting posts to date. I think women are made to feel that kids are a hindrance (and the “burden” always falls with us). Therefore, we feel much more “forced” into a corner when choosing our career versus having children. It’s a little bit sad because there’s an either/or option. There seems to be little negotiation between the two.
“It doesn't matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult.”
This is the one point in your post that has me worried. Because while we can certainly tell that you have “something deep inside you drives you” and thus you would have succeeded no matter what, other women want a career but might not be as driven as you to make it happen after having a kid. Don’t try and tell me there aren’t tons of women who have children when they’re young or broke or lacking a support system and then never amount to anything more than being a mom, with their dreams unrealized.
Having a “career” should not be the point of your life. Living your life which includes family,friends is what is important. The job pays the bills so that you can enjoy your life.
All these people wasting their lives and it all comes crashing down when they are downsized or laid off.
When i die, i will be remembered ultimately by my family not by my co-workers. I hope my last thoughts are about my loved ones, not that last form-w38 I filled out.
Jay,
Everyone has different wants. If Penelope wants success and a career, she has that right. You trivialize Penelope’s choices because they are not yours. Everyone’s idea of the perfect legacy is different. Besides, why are you reading this blog if you aren’t interested in ‘career’ oriented people? Maybe you should be reading something more family oriented, and ride your high horse out of here.
This is an amazing, honest, thoughtful and undoubtedly painful post. It, like many of your very personal posts, sent a little shiver down my spine. Thank you for your willingness to say what you really think.
I have always been pro-choice/anti-abortion. A position that sits fine with me, even though it seems contradictory to others. I am grateful to this country that you were able to make the choices you made, and am grateful to your humanity that you recognize that these choices do not come without emotional consequences.
And to those who would judge you – both for your choices and your regrets – I hope that they one day learn compassion.
There’s been many comments, so I’ll just make three points: First, I had an abortion at 20, last year of college. I still think about the (possible) child, who’d be 11 now. What I don’t remember ever thinking about when I made that choice was my career (and now I’m a “successful” professional in finance, 11 years later). I do remember thinking that I definitely did not want to have a child with the man I was with at the time – yes, of course you’re thinking – why did I have sex with him? Well I was on the pill, but more importantly, our relationship just happened to go downhill pretty quickly around that time, one of those unlucky coincidences in life. And when I made the decision (with his grudging “support” and I’m being generous in calling it that) The other factor in the abortion is that I had some health issues at the time – pregnancy-related – that made the idea of going through with it much more difficult. But mostly I looked at my partner and didn’t want to fight for joint custody with him. I never for a second thought about my career despite caring about it a lot, over-achieving in school, etc. but basically I think that children or not I would have been an achiever and child-care wouldn’t have gotten in the way of that. Second, for all of you who have suggested adoption as an alternative to abortion – you live in a fairly isolated world-view in my opinion. I am not white (South Asian) and my partner at the time was white (WASP)… I’m pretty sure that most of you rhapsodizing about adoption aren’t thinking of little brown (half-brown) babies, which mine would have been – you’re thinking of little blond-haired blue-eyed children that would fit right into your family paradigm. So, confront the race issue in adoption or don’t go one about how you/your sister/someone you know would gladly have adopted my “child” — what Americans look for in adoption, sperm bank catalogues and egg adverts say otherwise. Speak to that or shut up about adoption. As someone else said, non-white babies are much more likely to end up in foster homes subject to 15-18 years of god-knows-what kind of horror. Third, I just want to note because I’m ‘that person’ that these comments (approx 150) have not actually been all the judgmental, etc of PT. It seems more like a love-in to me. I’m indifferent to that, but it’s pretty annoying to read all these comments comforting PT for being so brave as to share this and trying to shield her against criticism when ‘judgmental’ comments have actually been like what 10? Anyway, just wanted to note that since I don’t think anyone else has.
I think you are strong for being so candid. I hope you know that sharing this is helpful, honest and amazing. Don’t let the idiots get you down :)
“What some may not realize is that you weren’t just protecting your future, but that of the child you may of had.”
Dead children don’t have a future.
Moral event horizon.
wait, sorry, so the first one counted as abortion? Cause if it did, this blog is a lot more stylistic than I thought…
P,
I applaud your candor and bravery to “out” yourself on this topic. Never been pregnant, never would WANT to, but I will defend with my life another woman’s choice to decide what is best for herself and her unborn child.
To the men who are pissed off at P and think she’s a killer, etc, STFU. It ain’t your career, it ain’t your life, it ain’t your baby…
I am a visitor here. I was very moved by the account of what it is like to be a mom, and to have had this history. I am stunned by the comments. I am hurt that many of the most obnoxious seem to have been authored by men. This is not easy, and the post is not meant to give the reader the recourse to ease. No matter what one thinks of the rights or wrongs, what about the human experience, and sharing that experience?
Thank you for sharing in this brave way.
I wrote a blog a while back on how I was raised a “pro-life feminist” and grew to be a pro-choice mother of two of my own and an awesome stepdaughter (Maybe they weren’t mentioned in the blog, but they were there; they always are.)
http://ecochildsplay.com/2009/04/16/from-pro-life-feminist-to-pro-choice-mama-my-transition/
I, too, received the backlash of comments and some really great supportive debate.
One poster linked to this, and before anyone else spouts on the “Give it up for adoption” thing, READ THIS BLOG. Read all of the comments. Learn what adoption really means. It’s not for the faint of heart, either that choice or this blog:
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html
Natalie Angier, a biologist and the incredible writer of “Woman: An Intimate Geography” writes:
"Recently, though, scientists have found fetal cells surviving in the mother's bloodstream even decades after the women have given birth to their children –
For all the reasons I remain a staunch supporter of abortion rights – It is vicious to force a woman to bear a baby she doesn't want, to prod her vengefully upon the compound priming of pregnancy and force her to be imprinted – "
(You can and should read a clip from her book here: http://books.google.com/books?id=GuFz4r64ETkC&dq=NATALIE+ANGIER+wOMAN+an+intimate+geography&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=MNXnSYj1NtuJnAeE9NGEBw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#PPA319%2CM1
Thank you so much for the pointer to http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html
Her story, and the comments, were both painful and crucial to read.
It take a lot of courage to put your business out there. I didn’t know what to expect when I read the blog title.
Thanks for sharing and being honest about your experience.
When I was in college I had 2 pregnancies with the same guy (pretty stupid). I was a young Christian woman with hopes of a successful career as an engineer I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about abortion. I even thought of adoption. I felt like a failure for getting pregnant.
I kept both sons who have brought me much joy. It was not easy, but I was determined to be a good parent even though I started off on the wrong foot.
Recently, both sons graduated from college with honors and are working in industry at prominent, well-known companies. They were raised in a single parent home until I married when they were in high school.
Today, my career is not what I expected it to be, definitely not amazing, but I’m not bad off. I am an engineer with an MBA who is reinventing herself as a marketer in a global company. Would my career be amazing if I had the abortions? Maybe. But I know I’d be miserable with guilt because I sacrificed my children for my career. And if I was miserable with guilt, I probably wouldn’t have my amazing career for very long.
Wow, I appreciate you sharing, can’t imagine how it feels to share this. Have not been a fan of the sexual posts, I cringe actually. Not because they are not well written, they are. Not because they don’t tell a good story, because they do. But because I value your insight, expertise and knowledge in the career world (and in life in general) and cringe because I am uncomfortable of your career advice with oral sex. And now I feel like you’ve shared a very personal side, and I realized, I need to get over myself and cringing. I am 30 years old so I know how sex, life and career go together. Probably too much if you look at my dating past… many times mixing business, boss and pleasure. But my point is that you shared some personal moments that make me realize you are a real woman. Not just some great writer with great advice. And I like that.
I disagree.
I’ve had 3 abortions. I only think about any of them when the topic of abortions comes up. I had my reasons. They were compelling. Abortion was the right choice for me. I have no guilt.
I have to agree about thinking of the man I was with tho. I think about him every day. But then I’m still married to him 40+ years later.
We have 3 wonderful grown children that we were able and prepared to love and raise for a lifetime.
Wishing you peace.
The author is very courageous to bring up this story from her past. She’s wondering if her career was worth killing 2 babies for and the answer is pretty obvious. Pro choice means pro baby killing- painful or not. Of course it’s a hard decision- It’s a horrible thing to do. At least this woman has the honesty to realize the horror of what she has done.
Penelope,
There is a line from the Joy Luck Club that goes like this: “This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions.”
Comment #170+ may look like just so many more worthless words, but they come from afar and carry with them good intentions.
I wish you would have never had to go through all this. I’m sorry you got such bad advice.
Some commenters have never been through anything.
They had their Lucky Charms pureed for them.
Today, you didn’t link to anything.
We love your links, but today, not one.
We all need links to back us up.
But, today, you stood alone and testified.
You are brave and this sacrifice serves a great purpose.
Here is a line from Keillor:
All of the lovers and the love they made:
Nothing that was between them was a mistake.
All that we did for love’s sake,
Is not wasted and will never fade…
I don’t think I said a lot about it in this personal blog-essay on my regrets about my one and only abortion (and only child), but career was an element in my decision. I felt I hadn’t accomplished anything of significance yet (I was 36!!) and never would if I had the child. That seems like such bullshit to me now.
PC,
I was dating a girl that got pregnant during our relationship, and we went back and forth over the entire thing about what to do. I was a stupid kid of 21 or 22 and we ended up getting an abortion. I’ve lost touch with her since then, but I know she’s going great and has a husband and child now.
Our major reasoning to do this was b/c we were “too young” and “didn’t know how we would raise a kid,” which, in hindsight was wrong.
I think about it constantly and would give up every relationship, friend, and luxury I have now to undo my decision. There’s only one person other than us that knows about this and will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I know it must have been hard to not only make the decision, but live with it and discuss it on a blog.
Thank you.
TS
PT and fellow readers,
I have read almost every single comment related to this post, and in some strange way it has made me reconsider my thoughts about not wanting to have children (I even recently blogged about not wanting to have children http://kaneisha.com/?p=229). Your post and the following comments make me wonder if my unenthusiasm about having children is tied to my ambitious career goals. Maybe my fear of not attaining my career goals dampened what used to be quite a lot of enthusiasm about having children. Hopefully I won’t be put in the situation of having to make this choice until I am ready to do so–but then again, there’s never a perfect time. Thanks for sharing your story.
A child does change your life, but it need not stop you from your goals. The thing is, Penelope, when you were first pregnant, did you have the maturity and the focus to be both an ambitious career woman and a mommy? Maybe you are making things work now with job and kids because you have that much more experience under your belt.
You know, I almost think that having kids IMPROVES your chances of a great career. Though children take up your time, they also teach you to prioritize your time and push yourself harder. Before I had kids, I used to think I was busy and that I worked so hard. Now, I think – what did I do with all that free time? Before kids, I watched TV shows, went out with friends, slept in on the weekend. Now I understand how limited my time is, and I make the most of it. I’m 40 and I have MORE stamina because between the kids and work, I just have to keep going. And I’m doing better career-wise for it.
You know, I almost think that having kids IMPROVES your chances of a great career. Though children take up your time, they also teach you to prioritize your time and push yourself harder.
…
Eh, sounds ‘having kids teaches us to prioritize our time better’. Is it only me, or does someone see something wrong with this logic?
I will say that children do affect your ability to do unexpected over-time, or go on impromptu business trips if you can’t get good emergency childcare. Some of my co-workers without kids resent this. Because of this, there is a chance that you will get passed on for a promotion/raise. There are some jobs where you are expected to sell your soul and put the job above everything else. Kids are not conducive to these environments, but I don’t understand why anyone would want to work in these places anyway.
I think only that had I had the baby, I would now be forever attached to a very emotionally abusive and man and the damage my years did with him would be so much worse.
To the commenter that said having a career shouldn’t be the most important thing, I agree that money and status shouldn’t be one’s reason for living. However, don’t underestimate the importance of the right career. Gandhi wasn’t very nice to his family, and I’m really glad he chose the career. Cheers to Mother Teresa for not giving it all up to raise her own babies. Yes, I know, we are not all as wonderful as these two selfless icons, but I’m still glad that some ambitious cook cares about making me a beautiful, life-changing sandwich at my favourite deli. We all must do our part!
You wrote, “You never stop thinking about the baby you killed. You never stop thinking about the guy you were with when you killed the baby you made with him. You never stop wondering.”
No. YOU never stop wondering. I never started.
15 years later and I *know* I made the right choice. I have never been sorry.
I’m sorry for any suffering you have endured, but don’t generalize it out to every other woman on the planet.
That’s my experience too.
A child is a lifetime commitment. To enter into it prematurely or ill equipped is asking for a lifetime sentence for yourself and the unsuspecting child/ren who deserve/s your total commitment.
I don’t regret either an abortion or a child. But then I, as I suspect you did, entered into my pregnancies and my abortions with great thought and didn’t make a decision until the right one was very clear. That meant what was right for our children and our family as well as me.
I found that a very sad post. I support your right to choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy, but the thing that comes across is that, at least the first time, it wasn’t really your choice. I wonder if things would have been different if your mother had supported you better? I’m sad that that was the choice you felt you had to make.
I think this post is less about “choice” per se than it is about there never being a right time for kids, regardless of how well or how poorly-equipped you may be for it at that moment.
And because one has no way of knowing how things would have turned out either way, it almost seems as if whatever decision one makes is moot. Hence the constant wondering. Or as Michelle above said, there is no point in wondering at all.
I never thought about it that way before, so i must say, this post is food for thought.
I had an abortion last week. It was horrible. But necessary for a number of reasons. Most of them nothing to do with my career. I don’t want kids and do all in my power to avoid getting pregnant. I wonder if those who think you are nothing for having an abortion would prefer it if I had had an unwanted baby?
Your directness and honesty about something so sensitive is a beautiful and rare thing. Thank you.
I had two abortions within six months of each other in 1977. It was a terrible six months. The first was from using an IUD, the second with a diaphragm that I later found out had not been correctly fitted. Both with my then-lover, now-husband, who I have been married to for 31 years.
No regrets, no therapy. I paid close attention to every phase of my decision. I refused general anesthesia and instead had a local: I did not want to be asleep, I wanted to take full responsibility for it. I lobbied the hospital to allow my lover to be present at the operation (he wanted to, but they refused). I wrote an article about hospital policies afterwards that was published in the city newspaper. Later, my lover and I went into the forest and sat near a dead tree, with a sapling growing out of it, while he played the flute. We acknowledged life and death and the mystery. My mother was dying of cancer at the same time.
I did not have the energy for any of this during the second abortion. But I have no regrets about that one, either. I have chosen not to have children (my husband already had two), and for about ten minutes every year or two I think, “Oh, we’d make great parents,” but I never think twice the two abortions.
I used to be more public about my abortions but as the screaming has built over the years, I have learned, wisely, to be more discreet. The raging over abortion in this country is ridiculous.
Someone above wondered about those who chose to keep their baby. I’m one of those.
Did it affect my career? Most certainly.
Would I make the same decision again? You bet. Whenever I look at the resulting child, now a beautiful, successful young adult, I’m simply amazed at what I would have missed had I gone a different route.
I got pregnant when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were in college. We both quit, got married, raised our family and worked jobs that weren’t necessarily what we originally planned.
But you know what? Things have a way of working out.
The things we gave up, though seemingly important at the time, in retrospect, really weren’t important at all. We still have had successful careers, a comfortable life and many opportunities. God simply led our lives in reverse order: kids first, college and careers second.
What we have now is far better than any career. When my husband and I reflect at the end of each day, it’s our children we talk about, not work. We have this special bond between us. Together, we made a baby and together we watched her grow.
Thank you. So did I.
Don’t see posts like this often enough.
Thank you for your courage.
The only thing that’s unnatural about abortion is the eerie silence afterward. As a friend told me, it’s the secret club that nobody wanted to join. You aren’t allowed to talk about it out of fear of the nutcases out there, out of fear of backlash.
It’s the rhetoric surrounding abortion that makes it so emotional. In countries without this rhetoric, having an abortion is like have an appendectomy.
Having the courage to speak out breaks this silence. If more women spoke out, this eerie silence would be gone, and the anti-choice movement would have lost their sick power.
Life is hard…No matter how old you are. Age provides one with perspective. An unplanned pregnancy for a young, single woman has to be terrifying. The choices are to keep the baby and deal with the stigma and hardships of being an unwed mother, being “stuck” with the wrong person and trashing your career prospects. Or, having an abortion – which can be done without anyone knowing. I can understand why someone would choose the latter.
I think that choice is fueled by the expectation that success and happiness are a destination. Climb that mountain and you’ll reach some plateau where all of your aspirations will converge. It’s just not true…Life is a roller coaster with no guarantees…success, money and happiness both come and go at different times in your life whether you have kids or not.
So much to say, but I can’t find the words… Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I only wish more people would have the courage to do the same.
Penelope –
I have enjoyed reading your blog for a number of months. A comment for those in a similar position to your earlier career.
My wife and I have two beautiful, wonderful children from career driven, motivated women such as you. There is another option: adoption. In both of our examples, the mother was young, college bound and career minded.
This is a tough topic and you did a reasonable job discussing the issues. Very brave of you. Please know I am simply stating that adoption is another option. It is the only option for some of us.
David
This needs to be spoken about. Penny, you have taken alot of flak for being forthright in the past. As the current slew of comments show, that trend continues now. Please do not let this topic drop as it will probably affect alot more people (women) even in these enlightened times.
Your job as is blogger is to make people think and see things from a different perspective; with this post you certainly do that.
Thank you!
I have never regretted my abortion. NEVER.
I am so relieved that I was able to take control of my life by fighting the hormonal emotions and getting that abortion. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Sometimes I do wonder, what if I had had the baby? What if I were still connected to the petulant, demanding, manipulative man who would have been the father to that baby? What if I were still connected to his immature, argumentative parents?
I know what it’s like to be forever tied to a man because he is the father of your child. My ex-husband still affects my life, even though my children are grown now.
I’ve never regretted my abortion.
“I am so relieved that I was able to take control of my life by fighting the hormonal emotions and getting that abortion. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”
I’ve really been thinking about this a lot as a read the comments, but I hesitate, even now, to say it…but in all these cases I wonder if it wouldn’t have been an even better decision to just not have sex (I know this doesn’t help these women now, but I’m thinking about this conversation for our future women). I don’t understand why taking control of your life and battling hormones b-4 sex is derided. I’m pretty sure these women would’ve traded a million cold showers or just about anything to NOT be in the position of even thinking about pregnancy and abortion.
I think the casual sex-without-consequences, liberated woman should be reviewed (just how liberated do these poor women feel who faced an unwanted pregnancy?). I would think sex without consequences is a myth, pregnancy resulting or not. Whether for moral or just logical/maturity reasons, waiting to have sex until one is prepared for the biological outcome of sex’s purpose (procreation) really shouldn’t be so disdained. Yes, I realize this is easier said than done, but why do we roll our eyes at abstinence yet have a full-fledged public debate on abortion…cause obviously that’s an easy choice for most of these women…
Oh, man, I think you’re going to be sorry you opened up this can. In my Communications class, abortion is the only subject I forbid students to choose from for their oral presentations. People just get crazy, and, in a classroom setting, you can be sure a good percentage of girls have gone through it and the nerves are just going to be raw. Like you say, it never goes away, and these girls don’t need photos of aborted fetuses flashed up in a PowerPoint presentation.
My wife is Cuban. A babalao once told her that when she gets pregnant, the two children she aborted will kill the child in her womb out of jealousy. Unless she were to get a cleaning. For just $200 (?) and the cost of the animals to be sacrificed. I wonder how many women have fallen for that. She later gave birth to a healthy son.
It’s been 20 years now. It happened to her exactly as you described, finding out at 14 weeks, hidden by the continuing period, waiting, dealing with the looks, not so sympathetic when they tell you it will be 17 weeks, and I know she sometimes thinks of the kid who would be in college by now. If he, and we survived. She was suffering from borderline personality disorder and verging on homicidal/suicidal on a regular basis. We made a choice to wait until that was under control, and she and we would be more stable, with no guarantee it would ever be. She would not likely have had time to get her associate’s, bachelor’s and master’s degrees and built herself this family and this life had she been a 25 year old mental case with a child. I honestly think we would all be dead.
Every time I want to turn my back on you, Penelope, as some self-serving little GenY or Millenialist whose only thought is How Much Can I Get How Fast, you turn around and write something so powerful that I find myself gulping and tearing up because I am overwhelmed by your emotional and intellectual honesty. Having written “self-disclosure” stories, I can only start to guess how incredibly hard writing this had to have been; and I greatly admire and respect you for your courage.
When I was married, we had two children who are now pushing 30 and just over it. Yes, they were an inconvenience: there is no “right time” to have a child, especially since my wife was determined to stay home and be a full-time mom. As financially difficult as her choice made our lives for years thereafter, it was the right choice: our sons are balanced and compassionate men who are not working out agendas based on early childhood neglect. They put me to shame. There were times when I deeply resented my kids. On their account I had to turn my back on a career that I felt validated my life. It didn’t. Those kids did and do.
I had an abortion when I was about 25. It was a no-brainer for me, I have never wanted kids. It was quick and painless. I went to bed afterwards and woke up the next day feeling like a million dollars. I have never regretted it for one second, it was all good.
You had me at the first line of the blog. I commend you for putting your personal story out there.
As for the comments on birth control not working, I have been on the pill since I was 18 (I am now 37) and have never been pregnant. I would say the pill can be 100% effective.
I have been married to a man with two children for 6 years. Years ago, his ex-wife had an abortion without telling him until after the procedure. To this day, he is upset about her decision. I think we often neglect to take into account how the father feels in this circumstance. This shouldn’t be just a woman’s choice when there is a relationship with the man.
To make matters worse, my husband’s teenage son was killed in a car accident about two years ago. He still has his daughter, but he will never stop thinking about that little baby that he never got a chance to see grow up.
We never really know how decisions are going to impact us and those around us later on. I think we all live too much in the “moment” and can’t see past today. That really is a very selfish way to live our lives.
You’re so brave for posting this – thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that so many men (who would never have to make such a difficult choice) feel the need to judge.
I think for many of us who have had an abortion, we almost need to keep pushing our careers forward to ‘prove’ we made the right decision. That was certainly my experience. And then when I decided to have kids, I felt I needed to turn my life upside down to accommodate both my career and children, and to give my boys the best possible life. I love my job, I love my kids and I love my life. I am certain I would not have this life if I had continued my first pregnancy. That does not mean I do not mourn for that child (and another that I lost in miscarriage a couple years ago), but I do not regret the decision.
Again, thank you for sharing – there are so many of us that have had to make the same decision. Most of us think we’re the only one that lives with that pain, but clearly we’re not alone.
Chalk up another woman who made a choice to abort and never regretted it. 16 years later (and I also have to calculate to remember when it was) under the exact same circumstances, and my present circumstances, I would do it again. I’m sorry that anyone would feel pressured into it, as the choice was clear to me without any outside influence, and fully supported. I remain child-free by choice and happily married to the same man, and happily and gainfully employed, although certainly not career-obsessed.
Can I ’12th’ the call on BS for the poster who said no woman ever winds up pregnant who doesn’t want to? Trust me, you DON’T know what you’re talking about.
Wow, Penelope,
HOW can you be so open about this? This post is a huge nuclear bomb dropping. Good G-D what a firestorm will ensue. Perhaps that is the motivation. Hang on tight. Peace
Life is all about choices and you have made some difficult ones but life is also about priorities and yours seem to be messed up. Like several of the others posting here I quit my job when it started to interfere in a big way with my family life. I was Regional VP of Sales and had a dozen offices in the Eastern US as my territory. This meant getting on a plane every week and being gone way too much. The clincher for me was when I was standing next to my young son who looked up at a plane and asked if Daddy was on that plane. (yes, I’m the Dad) Do I regret that I had to take a big step back in my career, yes. Would I do it again? You bet. You can’t have everything so know what your priorities are.