How I started taming my workaholic tendencies
After my first visit to the farm, I quickly invited myself back. “I’m coming there without my kids,” I told him.
When I got there, he made me hamburger that was shaped a little too much like how it might have looked in the cow’s body, and then he asked me what I wanted.
“I want this to be a date,” I said.
“And then what do you want?”
“Well. I don’t know. I guess we kiss. That’s what you do on a date.”
The farmer laughed. And he asked me if I thought I could live on a farm.
I said no. I said I was thinking this would be a summer fling.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that he is not the summer fling type.
I sat across from him at his kitchen table thinking that he is so simple and stupid for thinking I could be serious about him.
After dinner we walked through his fields, over his creek, and next to his hay, and an hour later I thought that I am so simple and stupid for thinking that just because he is a farmer, I am not serious.
So I went back to the farm three times in one week to negotiate how a date might work. Each time I felt like I was crazy. What am I doing with a farmer? I am already sometimes sleeping only four hours a night. There is no room in my life for anything but kids and work.
The next time I was there, it was time to put the chickens back in the house or pen or whatever it is that they live in. I noticed that the farmer sort of encourages them to go to the house, but really, they could get away at any time. But they go back to the house because he gives them everything they could want there.
One hen will not come in. The farmer waits. He negotiates. Then he walks away. He says the hen is not ready. I worry out loud that she will be eaten by coyotes. He says she will decide to go in before that happens, and he’ll be there. He says it’s timing.
The timing is what gets me, though. This is not a good time in my life to fall for a farmer. Of all the things to invest my time in, this is not one of them. It’s not something that will work out. So moments of doubt turn into time-management panic.
Like, at the end of our second date, the farmer walked me to my car, which was on his front lawn, and he kissed me goodnight. I got in the car and looked behind me, and somehow, in the span of seconds between going from the car back to the house, he started peeing. On the front lawn.
I got out of the car.
“Are you kidding me?!!? Are you peeing on your front lawn? Are you nuts?”
“This is normal.”
“No. This is not normal!”
He laughs.
I laugh.
But I am not sure we are laughing for the same reasons.
“On the farm you pee outside if you’re outside and you pee inside if you’re inside.”
I tell him this is a huge cultural gap and we have a huge problem.
I come back the next day even though the more things are weird with the farmer the more I worry that I am making a poor time management decision by spending time with him.
The next day, he is very tired. He woke up at 4 a.m. because he heard thunder and he knew that the mother who has new twin calves would lose one in the rain. He went out and found the lost one and brought it back to the mom.
He tells me this story while we sit on the sofa on his porch. This is where we do everything. I hope we will make out on the sofa. But he is tired. And I am scared of being rebuffed, so we talk.
“How much would it cost you to lose a calf?”
“About $200.”
“You do all that work for months and months just for $200?”
“It’s not that much work every day for one calf. This is an exception. But bringing the calf back to its mother is not about the money. It’s about taking care of the animal.”
You can see where this is headed, right? We have this conversation 500 times.
Here’s another version, different day, same porch:
“I can’t move to the farm because I have so much more money than you do. I will get into the same situation with my last marriage. I will have all the power and it will be terrible.”
“I don’t think you have more money. I have more money. ”
“You made $15,000 last year. And it was a good year. I made $15,000 for one speech just last week.”
“You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You’re in debt.”
“It’s about cash flow. I have a lot coming in. I could have a lot. If I decided to be good with money.”
“My land is worth $2 million.”
“Really!??! That’s so exciting!”
“I’d never sell it. The land means way more to me than the money. And it’s ridiculous that you spend $200 on a pair of jeans.”
So I do this drive, this three-hour drive, again and again to see the farmer. Because I feel like I am understanding myself better and better as I go farther and farther from where I think I belong. Until I find myself in a tornado, ignoring his phone calls to tell me that a tornado is too dangerous and I should stay home.
I read that people do totally crazy things when they are in love, but how do you explain me driving to the farm in a tornado to negotiate something that is not a summer fling while we sort of start having a summer fling? If I can’t count it toward being in love, then does it just count toward losing my mind?
But I don’t think I’m losing my mind. For example, I know it’s the farmer’s understanding that my children matter most that makes him hard to regard as just a summer fling.
One of the times I had the kids with me, I spent most of my time worrying that they would get into trouble, while the farmer did things like help them climb up onto hay scrunched up into sushi-shaped rolls that were too large for the kids to get down from. And then he said, “Thank you for yelling at the kids for stepping on the corn so I could focus on just having fun on the farm with them.”
For a while the farmer was very careful about the kids only coming on days he could be around, because of things like the electric fence, which he has memories of as a kid that include falling on it while riding a bicycle and getting shocked fifty times.
But then I got an email from him that said, “You are welcome at my house with the boys. I trust your judgment and I think you know most of the dangers. But remind me to take the gun out of the house.”
I never thought I’d get an email about a gun that was so touching.
So I cut back on work. But I still did an interview with a teacher’s publication while sitting on the farmer’s front porch. He laid down next to me with his arm on my leg. He said he likes hearing me work but he also likes that I don’t bring the Blackberry when I go to his fields.
“There’s reception in the field?”
“Yeah. Other people bring it there when they visit.”
I don’t tell him that I would have brought it if I’d have known. Because I don’t want to be that person. But it’s so scary that this might go on too long and be squandered time.
I snuggle up next to him on the porch and I tell him that he makes me nervous because I’m risking so much for him.
He says, “What exactly are you risking?” And he points out that he has agreed to allow his very private life to be the subject of very public blog posts, which makes him nervous.
I am silent. I feel awkward because I’m supposed to be the queen of work life balance. But I tell him that cutting back on work seems like a huge risk to me.
I know that people who are workaholics are scared of two things: Not being great at work, and having to face an empty personal life. And I’m worried about both. It’s so hard to cut back on work that I adore to see a guy who is a complete wild card in my life. But I see now that the farmer doesn’t need to be THE ONE. And there’s value for me to just stop working so hard. That’s the first step. I’m just lucky I found someone who makes me want to try that.
Why do people read blogs they don’t like? Am I being simple and stupid for thinking that would be a real waste of time?
You do you Penelope! And then blog about it!
Personally, I like to read them to reaffirm my own sanity. It really is a confidence booster and a pick me up!
@Shefaly,
mea culpa…you are exactly right. What I meant is that unlike the U.S. where everyone talks about their jobs all the time, and one of the first things someone asks you is what you do for a living to get a quick summary of your resume, is that in Europe, my experience has been that people do not brag and talk about their jobs all the time, nor do they inquire so much about the careers of others when cultivating new friendships or even chit chat. I have made very good friends here where the subject of our jobs never really comes up in conversation.
You are right, they absolutely do care, however, when meeting socially with friends, coworkers or acquaintances, a whole evening goes by where conversation flows from politics, or religion, or exchanging perspectives and views, and discussing what is happening in the world, rather than the stock market, investment strategies, and how well the career is going, and financial status.
@Rennie, I work with people all over Europe, Middle East, and Africa for a well known high tech company headquartered in the Silicon valley. The beauty of it is seeing first hand the network of culture and values.
Yasmine,
I am not sure who you pal’d around with in the States, but I definitely do not agree with your conclusion. I never talk or brag about my job, not do I discuss the stock market etc. The only time work is brought up is if it is a story involving a workmate or a relating situation that may have occurred. My job and my personal life are separated completely and most people I know are like that as well. I think about my job outside of work when I am setting my alarm clock and waking up to it the next morning.
“Why do people read blogs they don't like?”
Because the writing is good. If it makes you think, even if you disagree with it, you’ll come back for more.
Besides, if you just stick with blogs you like, you’ll never grow as a person. The echo chamber just makes you one-sided and shrill.
I loved reading this. Dating, or beginning to date is such a dance. I’m not ready to post about my dating experiences quite yet, but soon.
I completely appreciate the entire “falling in love” challenges. It is wonderful, but crazy. A couple of weeks ago I went on line to research what I was feeling….no appetite, sick to my stomach, and unable to concentrate. I was thrilled to find out that all this is “normal” when you fall in love.
I also learned you can’t feel it unless you are ready, and if it is reciprocated. Made me feel a bit less nuts….
Good luck with the farmer, and keep your eyes open!
Ha, I knew it when I read your earlier column that you had a thing for the farmer.
Great column, Penelope! He sounds like the yin to your yang, or is the yang to your yin. Well, anyway, hope it works out.
Penelope,
First saw you speak last year at Blogher 07 (hope you’ll be there this year, too). At the time you struck me as firm, no bull-shit & forthright. I’m similar to you in those ways. Like the farmer, I have someone in my life that I’d never thought I’d fall for…a huge family, patient as all get-out, graceful in times of stress. He’s taught me a lot about finding balance (even though I thought that was my job!) and I’m learning to let go of some of my notions about myself with him.
Thank you for sharing this post and for reminding us to plunge. However things work out, I think you’ll be deeply changed for making the leap.
Just about every time I’ve read you over the years, or during a couple of our brief and nasty private exchanges two years ago, you manifested a holier-than-thou self that seemed to embrace the right to take people’s inventories and show up their character issues as you interpreted them. In other words, you spent a lot of time being truly hateful.
But.
You went through a divorce, and I felt only sympathy, not schadenfreude. I’ve been there. It hurt. Nobody has a good time during a divorce or for a long time after.
And now love or something like it. Something outside and beyond the control of business, advice-giving, or the polished steely exterior of someone who has been refined by life’s hardest lessons. Love, lust, desire, passion, affection…these are not simply emotional states, they’re graces and torments at the same time. Nobody is immune, and then the moment comes to you, there is very little you can do except acknowledge what is happening. Which you’ve done for all of us to see.
It’s not that you weren’t human or were some corporate version of Pinocchio…it’s that an uncontrollable entry into your life made you both fallible and profoundly human. However, it works out, you will do what is best for you.
Why can you tame your workaholic tendencies now? Because you are getting a payoff. Sometimes, work offers the better payoff, giving you growth, a sense of accomplishment, money, whatever. Sometimes, the relationship wins. Or the corndog. In each moment, we will do whatever meets our need, through pleasure or lack of pain.
Penelope, you don’t work for the sake of work – you work for a purpose. The same goes for dating, or for anything else. Whether you are working or dating, you are being. You will only do either one as long as there is a payoff of some kind.
What makes Penelope’s blogs so interesting is that they are dripping with justification. She always has to come up with a neat and crisp life rule that explains and justifies her basic motivations and desires. However, sometimes our urges and our actions make no sense. We are messy creatures who will often declare a plan of action and then do the opposite. Do you know why?
Because we grow. And in growing, we might change our minds.
It’s ok to want to live the way you want to live because, the truth is, there are no rules. Only trends that come and go. These trends aren’t just for the business world. We have life trends too. The clothes I wore yesterday may not fit me today. I can outgrow relationships, jobs, lifestyles and beliefs. What looked unattractive or incomprehensible before may be just what I need right now.
In other words, Penelope, don’t feel like a hypocrite for having fun with the farmer. This relationship is meeting your mandate of self-discovery, variety, and chance. How entrepreneurial of you!
All relationships are risky, whether you’re looking for romance or friendship. Good for you for taking the risk! I suspect that you’re driving out to the farm because you are, by nature, a risk taker. You’d tie yourself up in knots if you didn’t try this and see what happens.
But perhaps, maybe, it’s worth just being friends for a while? It takes just as much work to build a solid friendship as it does to be in a romantic relationship, and the great thing about friendship is that it can be more forgiving than a romantic relationship.
I am happy for you (ignore all the negative comments!). Enjoy it, because finding someone at all, never mind someone who can better you as a person is a fabulous thing.
Wow. People seem to have a lot of opinions on how others should live their lives.
Children’s feelings considered and happiness feels good? Then embrace what it is.
Be happy.
So this farmer read the blog and said “this sounds like a woman for me…”.
I don’t think so. I could list all the nutty stuff you’ve posted but even assembling the list in my head sounds cruel. You are the last person who should be giving advice. And the last person anyone with the internet would want to date.
Go look after your kids.
Here’s what I learned about happiness from reading some career blog:
1) Peeing on the grass: Not important
2) Money: Not really so important
3) Living in the city: Not important
4) Regular monogamous sex: Very important
5) Family: Very important
Now, either there is something wrong with your farmer, or there is something veyr wrong with that blog I’ve been reading. Both possible.
So, when you start falling for someone, that’s one of the strongest drives you can ever feel, and that drive will override all of your judgement, not to mention overriding basic needs like sleep and food.
And it is very important to have regular, at least weekly, face-to-face contact with someone you know well and trust. Also a strong drive.
So, what is surprising about this farmer situation?
I don’t think you have any hope of making a rational decision either way until after the hormones go away. It doesn’t sound pleasant, but somehow trying to make the decision too early seems more trying than useful.
Penny,
This is so personal…
I hope you at least have a/some good friend/s or a family member or two to bounce stuff off of at this point in your life.
Good luck, and watch your back.
2centsworth
Workaholic is not so good for your health. Take care of yourself first.
sick of reading about this post. i signed up for emails of posts to this story and am unable to cancel them. they keep coming and coming. there is no place on the blog to cancel them. at least one that i can find.
ummm… what’s all this business about peeing outside being a guy thing? I don’t do it directly in front of people but I do it (behind a bush or whatnot), and I wouldn’t be surprised if a guy turned around, whipped it out, and kept talking to me… and I’m a freakin engineer (software) not even a redneck or hippy or anything. You people need to grow up.
Also, $15K is nothing to sneeze at if you have some kind of security ($2 million in land, for example, or a reasonable level of self-confidence in your ability to get a similar job, lack of debt, the list goes on and on). Also, surely some economist has measured the monetary value of job satisfaction…
pure fiction. RK could of written this…
I just wanted to thank you for writing your blog. I just found it last month and I adore it. In fact, it has quickly become my favorite blog. I’ve never eagerly anticipated a new post from a blog before this one… and I’m a long-time blogger and avid blog reader (well, since ’04). I’m learning so much from you and every time a new post pops up in my google reader I feel like it’s a little present from Penelope. The best part about your blog is how you interweave great advice with very personal experiences. But you knew that. Anyway, I’m not usually one for leaving comments… but for some reason I felt compelled to share this with you.
I am surprised you have lived in Wisconsin this long and are just now mentioning the culture shock between life in the city and life on the farm.
Penelope, I have read your blog on and off for a year. I had told you before that sometimes I just don’t get you, and then apologized. I was sorry for thinking you were nuts, then couldn’t read you any longer.
Then you write this. You should know, like “My 9/11 day. My husband. The meaning of my to-do list.”, this post was powerful, touching, and “sounded” heartfelt. I believe that when you stray from your comfort zone (gen X/Y) and give us a story of more traditional values intersecting with your life in a good way, it connects in a very strong manner.
I felt as though you weren’t discrediting your views, but conceding that the contrary opinion was not therefore wrong. I felt consideration given that maybe the opposing lifestyle deserved thought and may indeed have merit, as well as considering that other values exist in life besides money and career.
Excellent post.
@drb:
At the bottom of the post — under the Comments section — there is a
link to “Manage my subscriptions.”
It says: “You are subscribed to this entry. Manage your subscriptions.”
Click on the link, and on the subscription manager, you can check the
posts you’d like to be unsubscribed from.
It’s well-crafted, but it’s fiction. Between her first farm post and this one, I believe that much is plain. The metaphor and imagery throughout is clever, but the believability really isn’t there.
Penelope: Bottom line: v. nice writing.
From your fan and loving step-sister.
Hey, thank you so much for opening up on your blog. You have no idea how touched I am by your honestly and by sharing this.
It’s sweet how you and the farmer can be so honest with eachother about money and fear, and it does seem like you’re driven to be near him which is a good sign.
Maybe that’s how we pick people, by who feels good to be around. Maybe that’s as complicated as it should get. Maybe life is a series of decisions we should make for our happiness. And it sounds like you are happy around him; that alone is a huge indicator that you’re doing something good for yourself. :)
typo: should be *honesty* without the L — sorry!
Wow, great post. Very interesting story. You should really take care of yourself. All work and no play makes jane a dull girl. Success is nothing if you have no time to enjoy it.
As a farmer I find your writing very fascinating, especially the sushi shaped rolls, which we call round bales.
All the best with your farmer, I’d be happy to have you read my book about farmers to coach you towards more than a summer fling.
I’ve been happily married to my farmer for over 28 years. Your boys would thrive in the country.
I am researching workaholic tendencies for farmers for a presentation called Fixing your Time Stress Mess.
Thanks for your humour.
Elaine in Canada
I have a few friends like this. I don’t what should I tell them.
I feel awkward because I’m supposed to be the queen of work life balance.
I personally think worrying about having all the “end-answers” is the pre-cursor to procrastination for the sake of perfectionism. Good luck!
Can I just say that this post made me happy? It did. Happy. As in, brought-a-smile-to-my-face-happy. Because, I can relate to some of what you’re saying. And. I understand the feeling of inching outside of your comfort zone into … safety. But not the safety you’re used to, of course. No, it’s a freeing safety to love a little and find that you can handle the scariness of trusting someone else who you wouldn’t have originally thought to trust with your heart. For whatever reason. So. Thank you for writing :) and thank you for sharing this bit of your story. And, I like your style of writing, too!
With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? My website has a lot of unique content I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any methods to help stop content from being stolen? I’d really appreciate it.
Interesting that you pushed for the relationship. Most women will not do anything while requiring the man to initiate EVERYTHING. This generation is really hung up on the idea of men “driving the relationship”.
Men pee outside because they can. I would if I could.I believe this is the primary source of penis envy.
Such a touching story, and it has echoes of my own wild card whose name is Matthew, too.