The hardest part of my job is that everyone lies about parenting
When I was growing up, there was lots of chatter in the media about how models gave girls bad role models. Today that’s old news. What we should talk about now is how the media portrays moms.
Take a look at the spread in People magazine of Jennifer Lopez and her one-month-old twins. The photos are so elegant that at first I thought it was a parody. But in fact, it is mommy porn: the visual fantasy of what being a working mom could be. And it really could be that, if it weren’t that someone like Jennifer Lopez must have a household full of helpers in order to keep her career on track while she has kids: a cook, a trainer, two or three nannies, a cleaner, an assistant, a stylist. And others I’m sure I can’t even imagine.
Here’s another example of mommy porn: Angelina Jolie, and her fifty kids. She has a rule that the nannies (plural, yes, each kid has their own) cannot be photographed holding the kids, because it’s bad for Angelina’s image as a mom. But this is the problem: It looks like these very successful women have it all, even though they don’t.
Here’s what happens: Some reporter interviews someone about their big job. And then the person ends up talking about the mythic work-life-balance topic. And they say something like, “Throughout my career I did [insert something that is supposed to be wonderful for children] for my kids.” And now, of course, we must assume that the kids are doing fine. But why do we believe that? Why do we even ask? We have no hope of learning the truth. After all, there are very few people in the world who are in a position to say that their career is, as they speak, harming their kids.
So journalists writing about moms being moms are not reporting the truth. It is propaganda. It is parents saying that they lived their lives in a way that was good for their kids. But really, who knows? The reporter has little ability to check. So all we’re left with is the parents giving their subjective and hugely biased opinion that their kids are turning out fine.
I’m not saying that every kid is messed up from their parents’ careers. I’m saying that I’m sick of learning about how famous families want us to think they are doing by looking at what is really only mommy porn, what is really just parenting propaganda.
So look, in the interest of truth-telling, I’m telling you this: people are not being honest about what it’s like to be with kids. People are scared to admit that they would rather be at work than with their kids, because work is easier than parenting. (Notable exception: Sally Krawcheck.) If I have to read about how much someone loves their kids one more time, I’m gonna puke. Because we all know that parents love their kids. It’s not interesting. It’s not helpful. It’s not even very relevant. For anyone.
What’s interesting is the part where parents love their kids but don’t love being with them on a daily basis. It’s very scary to write. But I’m telling you, if the feeling weren’t ubiquitous then there would be no one to be in middle management working 9-5 because they’d all be home with their kids, doing freelance work after bedtime.
People are choosing to go to work rather than stay with their kids all day. But no one talks about making this choice because they are scared their kids will read it. I’m not sure what the right answer is. I just know that somehow there has to be a more honest discussion of parenting in this world.
So with all the mommy porn, the media does a lot to make us think that work life balance is possible, in the same way anorexic bodies without treatment for anorexia is possible.
So there’s real damage from mommy porn. Everyone begins thinking that every woman should be parenting gracefully while working full time. This gives people the temerity to ask me, nearly every day: Who takes care of your kids?
That’s right. The genesis of this rant is that I was meeting with an investor — a guy in his early 40s — and we were talking about my travel schedule and he asked, “Who takes care of your kids?”
I told this to one of my board members and he said, “What??? Why did you answer that question?”
I said I answer it because I get the question every single day. Literally. And I don’t think twice about it anymore. But in fact, it’s a totally offensive question. Here’s how I’m so sure: I tried it out on Mr. Sales Guy. And even though Mr. Sales Guy and I work the same number of hours, he said something to the effect of, “I’m not really sure what goes on with the kids all day, you have to ask my wife.” He answered the question as if we were doing girl talk. As if I had asked him, “What brand of tampon does your wife use?”
So I want to tell you something: Women earn more than men in most major cities today. And in corporate America, up and down the ladder, women and men are on equal footing in the workplace in terms of who gets paid what, as long as neither party has kids. But the level of expectations people have for parenting is absolutely insane. The mommy porn feeds this problem. Everyone is drawn to the ideal of Angelina Jolie as the perfect combination of careerist and mother like the Pied Piper’s tune, and these attitudes are more exhausting to me than any amount of actual parenting ever is.
Thanks for the post, but a topic that you only grazed was the one where as a society we are outsourcing parenting and warehousing our kids from 8-5 so that we can “give them everything we didn’t have” i.e. the big screen TV’s, video games and great vacations.
I feel that these are simply excuses people use to justify to themselves not doing the hard work of parenting themselves, and I believe those children (on balance) are missing something more than their parents can buy at a store.
Personally, I’ll take a parent (either Mom or Dad) at home and actively engaged along with an older TV, a ball to play with in the yard, and those road trips with the pop-up camper any day.
Please understand I’m not saying you can’t have a career and kids, but the idea of balance is a fallacy.
Since I spent a lot of time in grad school reading and researching the women/body image/advertising/media issue, this post sparked so many thoughts for me.
Why is no one researching this, for one. And if they are, why don’t I know about it? Seems like just as critical a societal issue as others mentioned. Especially in the context that these celebrity mommies are so powerful in terms of how they can move family spending – because they tap into the mommy audience, who make most of the spending decisions for families. Who is selling anything these days? A celebrity (mom), that’s who. Who is buying it? A mom, and from any level of the socioeonomic spectrum.
How crazy is it that the very consumeristic culture that drives families to need two parents working to keep up is driven by the very people who perpetuate this same mommy porn, this myth of balance, which hits at the very heart of women and professionals everywhere, tells us we are wrong not to be perfect, feel perfect, look perfect, etc.
We are told we can have it all, do it all, buy it all, because see, these people do it. It’s just the same emotional manipulation as the images of 90-lb teen models on covers of seventeen has over teenagers, only this is aimed at adults. And I daresay, adults care about their families and their careers just as much as teen girls do about their bodies.
I love it, Penelope. It is true. As a mom of two with a busy career, I wish I could hear more. I told my boss he should be trained on how to manage women with kids. His wife stays at home. I try to explain that I do what he does and what his wife does. And to be honest, I want to be with my kids but I also don’t mind getting away. I meet with as many women as I can with kids to see what they do and how they stay sane.
Thanks and talk more about this.
Celebrities are normal people like us, granted with more money…:-), who get to be put on a pedestal by the media and ultimately us, the public who consumes the media. Of course they can not do it all and they have lots of help(nanny, stylist…). I would only know how good they are as parents if I observe them in their natural environment and talk to their children…, which is not happening! Thus I do not pay attention to the Mommy Porn or set up my values based on that.
However, I do agree it sets an unfair and absolutely fairy tale standard for other moms as media influences the us willingly or not.
I am amazed by how much celebrity crazed we are as society… I think celebrities are the new royalities, they replaced a symbol and status royalties and aristorcracy in old Europe held.
I grew up in Communist with no media or celebrity what so ever. Media only lauded the brutal dictator Ceausescu and the Communist system and we all knew it was a big lie. Thus my skeptical Romanian side, copupled with my journalism background always questions what she reads/views in the media.
I am getting married in 2 weeks and planning to have children soon and I am scared to death as how I will be able to cope with a stressful career in online media and a child. But I will figure it out as I go about it and try to look at Angelina and the likes for mere entertainment purposes!
“What's interesting is the part where parents love their kids but don't love being with them on a daily basis. It's very scary to write. But I'm telling you, if the feeling weren't ubiquitous then there would be no one to be in middle management working 9-5 because they'd all be home with their kids, doing freelance work after bedtime.”
If that feeling is truly ubiquitous, then I must be a weirdo because I really do like spending time all day with my ten kids. I like it so much that instead of sending them to school, I chose to home school them so I could enjoy their company more. The thing I really don’t like about staying home all day for the past 21 years is the housework.
My wife, who raised 5 kids on her own before she met me, read this and shrugged. She said she was way too busy housing, feeding, clothing and mothering her kids while holding down 2 jobs to worry about “mommy porn”. Everything that didn’t directly contribute to her focus on her kids got put aside, and that included her dreams of college and other aspirations. She said she stopped believing in fairy tales and the “June Cleaver” syndrome, the day she got served divorce papers in the ICU after an accident her ex-husband was at fault for. She said that she just didn’t have the time or energy to worry what other people thought of how good a mother she was, she just did what she had to, to make sure the kids were taken care of, even if it was at the expense of her health, life and sanity.
Obviously, this post has hit a nerve. I love the phrase “mommy porn”, but it’s worse than that, isn’t it? It’s all the different types of advertising/marketing porn – “eat this food and be slim, happy, and loved”, “drink this beer and your life will be a total party”, “buy this car and be admired/respected/lusted after”, etc. You’ve coined the phrase, but I had my “aha!” moment years ago when Oprah went from fat Oprah to skinny Oprah. The marketing blitz for various Oprah-diet related products started – books from her nutrionist/personal trainer/cook are the things I remember most clearly. I remember thinking that if I only had a nutrionist who hid all my Twinkies and a cook who prepared healthy meals for me so I didn’t have to go to the drive-thru and a personal trainer who followed me around and chased my lazy butt off the couch – well, I’d probably look great too! Life is so unfair! ;) We just have to learn to block out all those images that advertising tries to put into our heads. It’s surprising how much simpler life becomes when you no longer feel the need to keep up with the Jonses (/insert subliminal message: they just bought a new car, you should too!/end subliminal message) ;)
The drudgery, boredom and stress of housewifery and full-time parenting was the original starting-point for 70’s feminism. It’s a shame that we still haven’t reached a point of honesty and common-sense on these issues. There’s a lot of lying, and much failure of responsiblity for ourselves and for our kids, but mostly for ourselves.
On stay-home parenting, there’s no obligation and there’s no single truth of the experience that applies to every mother. Some hate it, some love it, most enjoy it up to a point as long as there are limits. Most women prefer being with their babies for about the first year, even though it may well be hell, because they think the sacrifice worth it- if you want them all day long homeschooling in their teens, that’s a different level of parenting most people aren’t interested in.
Everybody is different. What I loathe, hate and despise more than anything is the preachy belief that I am right and everyone else is wrong, or neglectful, or making their kid unhealthy, or lying, or (insert abusive moral judgement here). Not that people don’t do these things. They do. But parenting, especially mothering, really needs to clean up its community act and start acknowledging that different families have different needs and preferences, and that’s fine and good.
Kids need *their* mom and *their* dad, not some clone ideal person that does things “perfectly”.
The media lies. We need to teach our daughter to be critical and sceptical of the media. Hollywood is a myth. Anyone who thinks they should model themselves on Angelina Jolie is a fool.
Parenting is hard hard hard hard work. People who love that are either talented and doing it brilliantly well, or lying, or not really doing it very well and they don’t care. How do we know which? We don’t.
Tip for new parents: find a more experienced parent whose style *you* admire, whose family seems happy, and ask them to mentor you.
Career tips for the parenting career, please. A professional, responsible approach to this job, the same as we take to our other work. Kids are the people you love, but parenting is work. Penelope is right that it’s not about puke-worthy love love love. It’s hard, skilled, intense, difficult, challenging, 24/7 work. Sharing it with others is vital for most people’s sanity, but making the whole picture work takes a major learning curve for most of us, especially those of us whose own parents taught them little worth modelling, who don’t have a loving extended family for support etc.
(Thanks for letting me post such a long comment so late in the day. Vitally important issue, so glad you posted about it.)
Being a mom is hard. I am a mostly stay at home mom of 2 young children that have no particular special needs. I have a mommy friend that has 2 special needs kids. Our families spent a year living together to try and help each other.
I think the ideal is to work a few hours a week 10 to 20 (depending on current needs), but spend the bulk of time taking care of my own home & children.
I think making it a priority to form a strong bond with your children is important.
I’m a Jesus believer. Jesus shows us a great example of relationships. He had 12 disciples. He was closest to about 4 of them. Having a handful of close relationships is really fulfilling.
It makes sense to protect the relationships of those who you live with, and those who, you were given to, as a mentor.
That said, having someone else help with your kids is not new (or bad).
The most prosperous peoples (health, happiness, above poverty) work together. That includes women at home connecting with others to get what they need, like sanity breaks or time to do work that is not child friendly.
I don’t get why someone asking who helps you with your kids is offensive? Maybe I don’t understand the intent of the persons who ask you.
Who thinks that superstars raise kids w/o help?
Thank YOU for contributing to the myth that all women go back to work because they don’t want to be with their kids. And that we all have easy alternatives and options.
Also, you’re perpetuating another myth–that no one is honest about parenting. Actually, I had heard so much about puke and sleepless nights that I was suprised that I actually loved another human enough to WANT to clean up puke at 3am.
I work full-time and find that I am a much better mom now. There are days when I want to play hooky from work and stay at home with my chicken. I do have a flexible and respectful work environment where I’m able to stay at home should EM fall ill.
We are lucky enough to be able to afford a live-in caregiver (nanny) and that alleviates much of the stress other working moms have – time pressures, deadlines at work and juggling day care.
I’ll echo almost everyone here – parenting is hard work. I also get annoyed at media and celebs who work in collusion and propagate the myth of the glamorous hollywood mom.
Fantastic post! I am a parent of three and I can relate! I enjoyed the article very much!
Mark Salinas
So that explains why I’m not a size 4 after childbirth (or for that matter, before childbirth!) I enjoyed your post Penelope.
I believe the greatest gift a mom can give herself and her family is the ability to choose. It is very freeing when you decide (not your spouse or your wallet) which path to take.
As an “older” mom (okay, so they noted I had AMA…Advanced Maternal Age Syndrome on my chart) I feel fortunate that my career was well established prior to having children and our finances were in order. I’d like to be able to say that it was all planned, but this simply was not the case.
knowing what I know now, I encourage young people to do whatever they can today to provide themselves with the ability to choose. For example, if you contemplating going back to school for your Masters degree and you are childless, I say go for it. The more choices you have the better off you will be and the happier you will be.
I have done some incredible things in my lifetime and still continue to do so. I have two beautiful children and together we have figured out what works best for our family. We reserve judgment on what others choose. Except for those size 4 mom celebs who keep showing up on daytime TV to give the rest of us fitness tips.
nice work Ms P …. true indeed. Go see http://www.thirdontheright.blogspot.com for a slice of real australian working mum stay at home dad reality bliss I actually don’t mind the mummys doing mummy porn – if I could make decent money from it I would glam up too and dress my babes in cutesy pie matching outfits …
I’ve got my pitchfork and torch! Who are we lynching again? Is it the magazine editor, the celeb, or the men?
The gentlemen who said that men do not subscribe to the idea that they have to be perfect or do it all was exactly right. It’s simply not realistic to think that you can have it all or do it all as a man/woman or a father/mother. Just roll your eyes and maybe have a good laugh at such ideas. In the meantime be the best parent/spouse you can be. Also know yourself and do what is best for the family (this includes yourself as well. Not just your spouse and kids.) Don’t let completely unrealistic crap in the media bother you. Just live in the real world instead.
This posts and the comments are very telling. The post starts off nice with a critique of celebrity culture but then the rest doesn’t seem to have any focus or believability. As a father of a six year old I read all the books that talked about the myths of parenting and was told by countless parents of the sleepless nights, drudgery, poo filled diapers, etc. that every existing parent tells prospective parents. The fact parenting is hard is no secret and I’m surprised you think it is.
Plus, only a couple of million people at any time watch E or read US Weekly. The other 300 million people in this country probably have a vague or little idea about Ms. Jolie-Pitt and her brood of kids.
Also, I work the normal 8-5 schedule with no travel and extremely rare weekend work. I have the perfect balance between work time and home time (as does my wife) the way it should be. Why everyone else wants to accept the high stress lifestyle…for what? You only live once (unless you are Shirley Maclaine).
And for the women who criticize men, why do you accept the behavior that you dislike? Why aren’t you demanding more from the fathers of your children? I know several fathers on the street we live on who don’t help out and who have little or no interaction with their children. Consequently, their boys are always at our house. And my question always is why do these women accept this? Why have children with this type of father? My wife works the same 40 hours a week I do…it makes no sense that I wouldn’t be involved in running our household or helping out with our son as much as she does.
Unless tragedy or circumstance intervene, life in our country is not harsh like so much of human history is. We do not need to forage for food and shelter like most people have had to do in human history. Our “stressful” jobs are a piece of cake compared to most of the developed world so some of this parental whining seems to be a bit unseemly. And if the economics of raising a family in the US are making you stressed – higher costs for education, healthcare, energy and food -then for once vote for your economic interests.
Finally, quit blaming the media! Are you all just a bunch of lemming like robots with no critical thinking or analysis skills? You are the one making the conscious choice to allow the media into your life. I could care less about the celebrity mother du jour. If those magazines or tv shows make you feel bad as a parent – easy choice there – don’t read or watch it.
Reminds me of Kelly Ripa’s opening monologue on SNL when a guy gets up and says and says, “You’re 33, and you got 3 kids?”, turns to his wife and says, “We only got 2 kids! Why can’t you look like that?!”
I think you were a little harsh on the guy who asked, “What do you do with your kids?” It’s out of line, but reasonable. I was wondering the same thing myself. When my wife leaves town on business, the mother-in-law steps in to pick the kids up from school and watch and feed them until I get home from work. (There’s a deal with the devil, I’ll tell you.)
As a parent of an adopted daughter, I get that kind of question all the time. “Is she yours? How much did she cost?” You just let it slide like water off a duck’s back. People are often curious, and clueless about the point at which conversation slips over the edge to impropriety.
And ease up on Angelina. That’s my future wife you’re talking about.
Why do our kids take a back seat to business and our egos. I will be losing my job (due to budget cuts) on July 3, 2008 (IT dept for a So Cal City), when I interview for a new job the first thing I think of is how many hours do they expect out of me and will it diminish my time with my family. If our culture would revolve around family, relationships and people instead of $$ and work, we just might have happier kids.
Relationships are a 2 way street and cannot be controlling on either side. If you cannot handle it don’t get married and have children. Remember people are not experiments.
Penelope, this may be an old fashioned thing to say but here is something I observed about an American friend of mine who was then married to a European and lived in Europe.
When she was travelling for work, her mother-in-law wanted to know who will look after the husband. Tired by the same questions again and again, she once said: “Well you never ask me who will look after me when he travels. Are you telling me you have raised such a useless person for a son who cannot fend for himself for 2 days?”
The point is that women overwhelmingly get asked questions related to care, childcare and household duties. Men don’t.
May be your board member is right after all? And that there is no need to answer these questions as these are your private arrangements? A smile and a question whether they would ask this question if you were a man may upset some but may benefit many in the long run.
I will never understand why people have kids only to hand them over to someone else to raise.
You bring up some great points.
I used to run a website about finding fulfillment at home, and heard so many of the stories that you refer to here: women confided to me over and over and over again about how much they love their kids but how they just can’t be around them 24/7.
After tons of conversations like this, I came to the conclusion that 99% of the reason for that is the sheer isolation that people outside of the workforce face in modern America. We weren’t meant to raise kids on our own little desert islands, and to attempt to do so is extremely psychologically difficult. I wrote it up here if you have any interest:
http://www.suburbanceo.com/abouthesite/mystory.php
Great post, thanks!
Your post make me think, made me mad and made me talk about it… so kudos, that is what a post should do.
People lie about parenting all the time. They talk about the great joys and it is a great joy. But they don’t recognize it is hard. And gues what, it is hard. My husband and I decided that someone would stay home full time and at some point we would switch. So, I am about to suspend a strong career to go home and raise my son.
I can think of nothing more wonderful. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be boring? Yes. Will it be worth it? Yes. I am sure it wont be all sunshine and roses, but, neither is working all day.
I feel sad for people who don’t want to be with their child all day. Maybe if they would have spent more time raising them, they would like them a little more
While it may get some people’s panties in a wad, I’ll be first to say I love the phrase “mommy porn” and think it is an excellent description of what so many people are after today.
You can’t have it all. You CAN have balance. There is a difference between the two. Big difference.
What is funny is that I find the religious crowd craves “mommy porn” more than any other sphere. It is odd.
Why mommy porn? Why not mommy idealism or mommy unrealistic freaking expectations or …
So okay, mommy porn is easier to say and connotes the same meaning.
So who does take care of your kids?
Wow Rachel, Jo and others. You epitomize the another side of the spectrum to the supermom/mommy porn. Those who think “good moms” can only be the ones who spend ALL their time with their children. Why does having a job automatically mean someone else is raising your children? Are you planning to stay at home and home school your children until they are 18? So is every parent who sends their child to school at age 5-6, letting someone else “raise their children”?
At what point is it ok to let your child spend substantial time with another adult who is not their parent? The babysitter, daycare worker or school teacher won’t take my child to the doctor when they are sick, attend their ball games or get up in the middle of the night to scare away the boogeyman. They won’t be the ones whom my children run to show off their painting or crafts they made at school/daycare etc for approval. I don’t believe that you have to be with your child 24/7 to raise them. It just depends on how big an impact you make with those hours after work, on vacation, on the weekends.
This hits close to home b/c my husband and I are trying for our first and I’m fortunate to have the option to either stay at home or work. I still want to work even though I won’t need it financially. I don’t think that makes me a bad woman, potential mother or person.
Dara,
You are 100% correct. Given that most children are in school until 2:30, and that most children in afterschool programs do the same things as other kids with stay at home moms do at that time (Do homework or play with friends), this dogma of the 24/7 Stay at Home Mom is absolutely bogus.
And as Freakonomics illustrated, it is more the environment a child grows up (loving, educated, healthy parents) then whether or not one parent stays at home that makes a difference in a child’s success.
Plus, I’m tired of working class or middle class parents, who have to work, having their situation devalued. Those men and women are no more bad parents then women who stay at home are always good parents. And if you are an overly dogmatic, rigid person; it can be argued that increased exposure of that type of personality is probably more harmful then being exposed to various adults with different temperaments.
Also, a great deal of the world has housekeepers and nanny’s (because costs are cheaper) and after traveling around; I can tell you the kids in other countries are so much more sophisticated and less insular in their worldview than their US counterparts.
Finally, this notion we have always been a culture with stay at home moms illustraes a complete ignorance of history. Until after WWII, most children didn’t attend school past 8th grade and usually had to work to support the family. The Golden era of stay at home Moms was the 50’s and 60’s and just look at the literature and popular media to see how stultifying an existence so many people thought that was.
Actually I think it is worse than you describe because you are only touch a part of it. In 1992, when our oldest child was in first grade we decided to homeschool our children, and we are within two years of having completed that cycle with our third child. There were multiple reasons for doing so, one being, more time with the kids than less. As the father, my role in that was minimal. My wife had the talent for it, I did not. IOur teaching styles would conflict, and the kids didn’t need that. Our kids have done well under her tutelage. Our oldest son just graduated from college as a Phi Beta Kappa. So, it is working for us.
When my oldest son joined Boy Scouts, I ended up the scoutmaster for his troop. Think: small entrepreneurial business staff by all volunteers. I ran it for seven years. What I saw is the other side of what you describe. Where celebrities have trophy children, other parents treat their children in a different way. There is no concept of child development. Only child activity. Fill their time up with activity and something may stick. If a family can’t afford the nanny, then the scout troop, or the ball team, or the dance class becomes the nanny. The kids are dumped at the activity, and the parents leave. There is no parent-child interaction except some lame reporting function in the car on the way home.
You are right raising children is a lot of work. It creates conflicts beyond the career ones. It forces the professional to make choices about their values. What I have found is that as I engaged my children more in real human interaction, not simply filling their days with activities, that I became better at my work. It was a conscious choice to follow the path that we have. It was out choice, and we and our children have benefited from it.
Awesome post. Loved your response to Kevin.
Eve, I love this comment. It's so true. I gave a speech today, and having read your comment beforehand changed how I spoke. The way we talk about the trappings of adulthood is absurd. We promise each other so much, as if it's coming, as if things will be easy. And it's all so hard. I go out in the world, and I can't believe how dishonest things are. And I come back to this community and feel lucky that there is a common understanding among us that what we've been sold is not working. Thanks for reminding me that this post applies to a lot more than being a mom.
-Penelope”
You are welcome! Its one thing I tell the young 20 somethings that are especially stressed out. That much of what you are upset about may be because someone told you it, and it was a Myth!!
I am very interested in attachment parenting, and in the process of learning more about it, read The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. She spent some time with the Yequana Indians in South America in the ’70s. She noted that the kids seemed happy and sane and actually listened to the adults most of the time. The babies didn’t even cry much. And what struck me was that you didn’t see the social isolation of mothers the way you do in this culture. At the same time, they didn’t leave their children with strangers. The whole community saw children as their responsibility and everybody kind of kept an eye out for the kids.
I swear, the current setup in our culture of completely separating work from home is not good for kids or for anyone, really.
And I *do* like being with my child. No, I don’t like it when she misbehaves or constantly demands my attention. I suppose I could argue that I wouldn’t like that in adults either, but *she is not an adult.* I think that’s where a lot of parents in this culture fall short, assuming kids are just miniature adults and expecting them to behave accordingly. It has led to, from an evolutionary perspective, some pretty bizarre parenting practices and some fairly miserable kids.
I think the rich folks who hire nannies are closer to what works than isolated middle-class nuclear moms are. They’ve got that extra pair of hands or two to help with the kids, and not just from 8 to 6 when the daycare’s open, either. If hubby bothered working at home they could trade off, but I guess most men have other priorities. (Those of you who actually help with your kids, and as more than a token gesture? That is exactly what you should do. I’d thank you, but I shouldn’t have to thank people for doing the right thing.) And two people still aren’t quite enough. Kids need a *community,* and so do adults. Maybe bringing back some version of the extended family would not be a bad thing.
great post. :)
and you might wanna think about paging your comments. xD
While I have little to no respect for the vast majority of pop star/fashion/millionaire ‘babes’ there are a few who have made a serious commitment to their children including stopping their careers or putting them on hold for a few years to actually look after their kids, others who have basically said ‘got my millions, now I’m gonna take care of my kids’.
Not all of these ‘super’ stars are bad parents to my mind in most cases it is a situation where the sheep are leading the sheep – ‘Oh, darling, you MUST have a nanny’, ‘bottle feeding is the way to go, you don’t want to ruin your figure’, et al.
Good post, enjoyed the other comments too.
David, well-put. Why is it, no matter how simple or straight-forward, the truth isn’t good enough anymore? Journalism is emulating sensationalism: exaggerate until it has a negative twist. If the person explains: say they bragged; if they smile: change it to smirk. I seemed ok about Jolie (no worship nor hate), until an entertainment reporter compared her with Mother Teresa! Now I must remind myself who said it, that Jolie’s not promoting herself (not that way.. I think).. The media found that button alright; I resent it… Now on to Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. (Btw, I liked her second husband and Hated bennifer. Ok, enough – back to 2008) Some in the press are making this harder than it is (and now they got me – I care!): When asked if they had a nanny, they said they hadn’t hired another nanny for their twins since the last sometime that spring. Lopez still isn’t filming or recording yet. Other parents try to go on a “date” for an evening too. I guess if there’s no “nanny”, (press il-logic)it means that couple can never go out? Time for common sense: not everyone wants or has a nanny. In NY, Jennifer and Marc live near family, relatives, friends. So, here’s the POINT: *Jenn and Marc don't need nannies when they have friends and family traveling with them. They have more trust in them than leaving their babies with some strangers. ;)
I feel better now.
Oh this post made me laugh out loud. Even just the title. It reminded me of years of reading and posting on AOL message boards about parenting and the infamous “to work or not to work” debate, and the overwhelming feeling that a huge number of these women were full of it when it came to what they said about the kind of parents they were. People aren’t always truthful about parenting because they want to appear to be the “bestest mommy ever.” I got over that years ago. I just want to survive it with my sanity intact.
Thanks for the great post!
I value reading your posts often…Are you going to blogher 08 in san fran? hope to meet you sometime soon…happy bloggin’ :) Tre ~
I enjoyed reading your blog, but I guess I’m not the type of woman that enjoys reading these magazines celebs appear on. I don’t even watch TV (I rather much watch movies). I stay away from gossip blogs too.
So what I am basically saying is that I don’t know how these celeb mom’s look like or what exactly ‘mommy porn’ is. I just know that I am not trying to be like anyone. I had already set reasonable goals and expectations before I became a mother. I’m 24 now and I have a beautiful baby. I wish I could do everything under the sun for my new baby girl, but even with the so called time most people think a homemaker would have I just don’t have enough of it.
Wow Penolope,
Just heard an interview you did and had to check out your Blog. I’m thoroughly impressed and am learning a lot as I’m about to start one myself. This topic is fascinating and I can tell you that on either side of this elephant all of our observers will just not find complete satisfaction. It largely matters how close our family comes to finding it however.
I am a Mompreneur that has found a rewarding measure of balance. I am also confronted daily with whether or not my 3 year old is in pre-school. Amazingly this is prompted by comments about how articulate she is, as though the logical explanation is that this results from a large group setting somehow. They often identify that while they have made another choice their child could not possibly do what mine does. I have not chosen to raise her for the purpose of engaging in this intellectual comparison game, but find that this is a major preoccupation for a lot of parents. I have chosen to follow her lead and my family's heart. I hear a number of your posts here indicating that they could never do what those who have support are able to do. It is very healthy to reevaluate whether or not our outcomes are working for us, in the same way we would do in revisiting a strategic business plan. We tweak is as we go to produce an optimal outcome long-term. We parent imperfectly but powerfully when we choose to. I appreciate the confirmation that it is our right to choose. And if our family in inspired as a result we are most likely on the right track. But if they are not flourishing it may be time to pull that strategic plan out one more time. Thanks for making me think about why I have intentionally designed my life this way, and in the meantime…
Believe well!
Adelaide Zindler, B.S., Fp
The E-School Coach
We’re brainwashed. I love calling it Mommy Porn. People, InTouch and all those other mags peddle it like pimps. I couldn’t agree with you more!
In fact I am the author of a post that pissed many a mom off entitled 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids. http://www.momlogic.com/2008/06/why_i_hate_my_kids.php
While I do agree with *most* of your post… I take a lot of offense that women who choose to go to work do not love being at home with their children all day. I did stay home with both of mine, because it was easier, and I could. Then I worked 9 to 5 when my youngest was old enough to be weaned. Not because I didn’t love being at home, but because it made the most sense. I made more, and hubby CHOSE to be the at home parent. He loves it. I now work from home full time, so I can be both.
Some women work out of necessity to keep food on the table. Some women do work because they prefer it to all day parenting of their kids. Do not assume we do not love our children, because you will encounter some extremely irate women.
Loving your children and wanting to be with them all day are two different things. Penelope said nothing about love.
Mommie Porn – no kidding, we’re supposed to be perfect moms with perfect kids making perfect meals with perfect makeup. In a miniskirt.
That is THE most refreshing thing I’ve read since I got sucked into the blog world!
On the subject of Mommy Porn (and ugh…I saw the Jennifer Lopez picture), what I really want to know is how many of these 40ish first time celebrity moms are aborting Down Syndrome kids? Are we to believe that the genetic abnormality just never visits them because they are so beautiful and popular? Or is this precisely why none wants to tell news of their pregnancy until after the first trimester?
Parenting is hard, but one gets acclimated. I even home school 3 girls! It is, after all, a great privilege, honor and delight if–like anything else–you work hard everyday to build the kind of work environment that you want.
Why mommy porn? Why not mommy idealism or mommy unrealistic freaking expectations or –
So okay, mommy porn is easier to say and connotes the same meaning.
I enjoyed reading your blog, but I guess I’m not the type of woman that enjoys reading these magazines celebs appear on. I don’t even watch TV (I rather much watch movies). I stay away from gossip blogs too.
So what I am basically saying is that I don’t know how these celeb mom’s look like or what exactly ‘mommy porn’ is. I just know that I am not trying to be like anyone. I had already set reasonable goals and expectations before I became a mother. I’m 24 now and I have a beautiful baby. I wish I could do everything under the sun for my new baby girl, but even with the so called time most people think a homemaker would have I just don’t have enough of it.
As a part-time (or ‘shared care’) parent, I completely agree with your comment that it is hard to write about loving your kids but not loving being with them ALL the time. I strive to do this, as I think it is important to inspire and to reassure other parents who also experience difficulties, as well as the joys. Thank you for doing this so well.
I’ve got my pitchfork and torch! Who are we lynching again? Is it the magazine editor, the celeb, or the men?
The gentlemen who said that men do not subscribe to the idea that they have to be perfect or do it all was exactly right. It’s simply not realistic to think that you can have it all or do it all as a man/woman or a father/mother. Just roll your eyes and maybe have a good laugh at such ideas. In the meantime be the best parent/spouse you can be. Also know yourself and do what is best for the family (this includes yourself as well. Not just your spouse and kids.) Don’t let completely unrealistic crap in the media bother you. Just live in the real world instead.
As someone who has made the choice not to have kids, I have to say that the part that actually bothers me the most is that so many mothers I know talk about of both sides of their mouth:
On one hand, they are stressed, lonely at home, and unhappily doing the lion’s share of the domestic work while their husband’s lifestyle seems to have barely changed at all and they feel completely unable to say anything to most people for fear of being judged.
Only to then have them do the same to those of us who do not want to have kids, pointing out that life is incomplete without them and implying that we are somehow deluding ourselves that a life without kids is even worth living.
I think the most insidious thing about “Mommy Porn” isn’t so much that mothers eat it up, it’s that even knowing that it’s total crap, they still try to spoon feed it to the rest of us.
I totally agree with what you are talking about. You see these celebrities all the time on the television, or in the magazines with their children; smiling and looking like it is so easy to raise children, especially when they do have a lot of help. I have 2 children of my own and I can honestly say that I would rather be at a job because you are right it is easier to deal with other people then children. Don’t get me wrong I love my children with all my heart and would do anything for them, but i am home with them on a daily basis and sometimes I just wish I had an outside job.mothers at home