I’m too sad to write a title
When you tell your friends, in disbelief, about this post, you will say, “She’s liveblogging her nervous breakdown.”
I am doing that. Because I don’t know what else to do.
The problem with blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you can never work again. The problem with not blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you have to hide things.
If I weren’t blogging, I would have such a long list of things to hide.
For example, even though my son got into Juilliard, he’s not there now. We can’t afford it. I can’t navigate trains because I can’t read numbers. And I can’t drive because I can’t predict the direction things come from. And taking a car to and from Juilliard is $500. I couldn’t pay that every week. And then there are cello teacher politics. I cannot write anything about that because all the cello teachers would hate me.
I have not said any of this. For one thing, every time I have tried to explain not being able to travel, people think I’m lying or not trying. People think I’m being a pain.
That might be true. I can’t tell anymore. It is a social skill to know if you’re being a pain. I know for sure people are really sick of me. And that I am ruining my kids’ lives by not being able to deal with the people my kids need.
The higher the stakes, the more trouble I cause.
So, right now, my son is leaving. My cello son. I have tried so so hard. But the cello world is all social skills.
I think about the hierarchy of life. I think about how could I be failing so massively right now? But it’s taken so long for me to completely fail, I haven’t totally noticed. I am the frog unaware that I’m boiling.
I think about when there were no kids, and it was just work, it was me and men. Work is mostly men. I worked almost exclusively with men for most of my adult life. The career world is very competitive — and most women aren’t. Women are collaborative. But it’s a different story in the mom world.
The social skills you need to navigate cello moms are at a level I have never experienced. I can’t even begin to talk about how incompetently I navigate this. The cello moms who know me well would be incredulous to hear that I spend most of my waking hours trying to figure out how to make them like me — or at least, how to make them not hate me. They would probably tell you it looks like I’m not trying at all.
Looking back now, I think I was barely holding things together until we moved to Swarthmore. My biggest issue is abandonment. So, it doesn’t matter to me that the farmer was abusive. I can’t get my head around abuse, anyway. The only thing that matters to me is that he cut me out, overnight, with no warning.
I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t work. Some days, I was nearly catatonic. Any energy I had I thought should go to the kids. So I did not make very much money. Sometimes I did. But mostly, I didn’t.
And as the kids required more and more of my time, I became even less and less able to earn money. I cashed out stock from one of my companies to catch up on bills.
I feel so alone. I don’t receive child support. No one helps me financially. Sometimes, if we don’t have money for food, Melissa sends money. There have been times when we have been stranded somewhere and I have had to ask her for $20 for the Uber to get home.
It’s not that I’m not able to earn money. It’s that the nonstop pressure of a cello kid and a kid with Asperger’s and me with Asperger’s and me being the only one making money and me being the only one taking care of the kids is all too much. And I think I started to shut down.
I tried to tell people I couldn’t keep going. But I guess people think I’m incompetent and irresponsible and largely a lost cause.
I used to tell myself, “My family doesn’t know how bad it is, but if they knew how bad it is, if I told them how bad it is, then they’d help. So, I’m OK. I have that.”
Then there was a time I called my brother from cello camp. I told him I was going to be arrested if I didn’t pay the hotel bill. The policeman was standing right in front of me. I asked my brother if he could pay the bill.
He told me not to ever ask him for money again.
I thought to myself, “I’m looking at six more years of taking care of the boys and no one will help.”
We don’t really have money. I don’t know how to describe it. People who are very close to me can see how expensive cello is. But on top of that, I don’t always know what is important and what is not important. I spend money where I don’t have to and then I don’t spend money where I should.
So everyone tells me I spend too much money and I make terrible money decisions. But it’s very hard to get good advice about money when it’s about parenting. Or maybe everyone is giving me good advice and I’m not hearing it. That could be.
I decided people are right and I moved the boys to be right next to the cello teacher. I sleep in the closet in a two-bedroom apartment with mice. No more travel expenses. There’s still not enough money.
Once, I said to my son, “You have to practice cello every single day, even on the days when it’s hard. That’s what makes you a great cellist.”
He replied, “Mom. Can’t you just accept that sometimes I’m having a hard time? When there’s nothing to eat but crackers, I don’t tell you to try harder to make money. I know you work your hardest.”
That’s when I realized the boys know everything. Or maybe I already knew. I guess it just hurt.
I am telling you this so I don’t have to hide from my shame. I’m telling you everything. Because right now I am trying to cope with the fact that my son has to leave.
I have failed him. He’s leaving tomorrow. He has to go somewhere where someone can help him become the cellist he wants to be.
The history of memoir is writing after it’s done. There is redemption. People only tell horrid stories in hindsight. I guess I don’t totally understand why people don’t talk about sad things that are happening as they are actually happening. I think it might be because it’s like cutting the lifeline you could use to pull yourself out. But do we have to hide to have a lifeline? I’m not sure. I will find out.
Have you tried a GPS? I am extremely geographically challenged and have a Garmin standalone GPS. $150.00 from my grocery store. Customer tech support helped me set up my home address. I tell it where I want to go and it tells me, verbally, turn by turn how to get there. Would that help you?
Bills not getting paid? Where do you bank?
My credit union did customer support on the phone to help me set up electronic bill pay. It pays my bills so I never have to think about it.
Here’s your closest credit union:
https://www.creditunionsonline.com/credit-union-726-18469.html
I don’t know the circumstances of Penelope’s separation from the father of her children, but this is a prime example of why people need to make better decisions about who they choose as life partners. That ship has sailed for Penelope but for other people out there, picking a partner with which to do life with is THE most important decision of one’s life.
Someone suggested Jordan Peterson and I definitely agree this is a great place to start as far as building self knowledge about who you want to be, where you want to go in life and what you definitely don’t want in life so you can act accordingly.
I’m not religious, so my emphasis on marriage does not come from that angle. I emphasize it because the divorce is the biggest failure parents can ever do for their children (outside of an abusive relationship). It’s not her inability to pay for cello, etc…
Penelope’s post is riddled with the hardships and complexities of getting yourself or you partner wrong. It’s not luck or chance either. Often people don’t have the skills or self-awareness to prioritize what they should have in a partner and what they should contribute. Divorce cripples both parents making less than ideal parents worrying about non-priorities like cello. Life is bigger than cello, at the risk of sounding insensitive.
I always wanted tennis lessons when I was a kid but it would have been too expensive for my father who had custody. I know he put in a lot of work to rebuild his life after my terrible mom made sure he spent every last penny he had in court so I never complained about the tennis.
I don’t resent the lack of tennis lessons. Instead, I spent so much time contemplating the choices my father made that created the circumstances that would limit the resources a parent has to feed their children, let alone pay for cello. I used my parents’ failures to learn about how to act in my own life. It has served me far more than any sport or instrument could.
Penelope would be better off by being honest with her children about her past mistakes, what she has learned from them and teach her children better about how to navigate life rather than beating herself up about the cello. Does cello even have a reliable return on the investment?
With social media today, her son could start experimenting with business, put himself out there on the internet, see if people enjoy his music enough to contribute and see if he can raise some funds for those lessons instead of relying on mom to do it. Another potential life lesson Penelope could teach her son.
So much one could say…
If anyone wants some tough love and wants to hear the things you need to hear but don’t want to, I suggest going to Free Domain Radio and listening to the call in shows.
Good luck Penelope and to everyone out there.
I feel I should say something. So the first thing a human should say is: I will pray for you and your family and things will get better regardless. Mental anguish and hitting a wall that you can not surmount is by definition a selfish position. Saying you can not cope does not often play well with our own self-image and others perceptions of us. Particularly if we have encouraged others to see us as strong, informed and capable. Clearly, I speak from experience.
Your website and blog is multileveled. It provides research and insight into human development and change management, then there is the wit and quirkiness and the way you can implant an idea that makes it appear profound even when it may not be. That shamanic quality of personal coaching and training and development 50% charlatan 25% insights 25% forgiveness, is never what it appears. Then there is the biographical material sometimes interesting, moving, hilarious, and then, by turns, disturbing, infuriating, even alarming.
Probably, above all, there have been the points were you de-cloak and we can see what you have been misdirecting us from. So at first, it looked like you might be sabotaging your relationship with the Farmer and then it looked like literally like abuse, and then it did not, and then it did again. Sometimes it looks like you are in command of your insights, and successfully deploying them at other times you remind us of the downside of Asbergers when your house of cards tumbles down. And then it looks like you have no familial support network, and then they all turn up when needed. So yes this is both a woman falling to pieces and a woman falling back down to earth . And then there is something deeper, a connection you offer that is very feminine or childlike and vulnerable and basically about human connection. Sometimes as an INTJ guy, I have to remind myself that this is what is going on.
In the years of following your blog and doing the occasional course, I have grown more frustrated like an older brother might do when his sister picks bad guys. I can see now how important Melissa was to your ability to be so creative and productive. And yet having literally lost an older brother who succumbed to depression at 17, then schizophrenia, then paranoia, then 2 diabetes, then died of preventable heart decease at 44, I kind of just want you to get well. So the last thing a human should say is: I will pray for you and your family and things will get better regardless.
My daughter is a heroine addict she went 5 years clean and one day stress got to be too much and she relapsed. To see her in the hospital at her worse when she was doing so good hurts so bad It’s like the good life just slipped through my fingers.Thats what I’m going through right now and believe me I ask myself what could I have done differently. But I realize I have to suck it up and move on. So you see sometimes life is hard just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Hi Penelope,
First time commenter, long-time reader here. Also an Aspie mom with a full-time career. The struggle is never ending, and your words have been a big support for me as I navigate the world of work, parenting and life in general. I love your bravery, your honesty and your complete determination to plow through shit. Sending a virtual deep pressure hug, if that’s your thing. If not, then an awkward wave and smile followed by a slightly too high-pitched cheer. Go you, and thank you.
So, I’m a bit late to the game, but it seems like there’s a ton unspoken here that is buried under the openness – I’ve been reading this blog for a while (since I was deployed to Afghanistan in 2009) and still this comes as a shock.
You’ve made a choice, for better or for worse, it was a necessary one. Time to deal with the consequences.
Given that – one of the key facts about being a single parent is that no matter how hard it is, you will find you’re up to the task.
– simply because you have no other choice!
Doing what is necessary for your kids – whether or not it fits the image you have of a ‘good mom’ – isn’t failure… (at worst, it’s ‘compromise’)
What will eat you alive is second-guessing yourself – everything you have ever done and every mistake you’ve ever made will become epic if you have it replaying on a continuous loop in your head.
Break the cycle – break these crises down to individual tasks and set your goals and achieve them. Stop looking at the totality of your problems as it will overwhelm you and you wind up avoiding them, not addressing them. It’s like having a huge mess to clean up – pick one spot, one chore, one category of mess – and start there… moving on to the next when you are either done or have to get something else out of your way in order to finish.
I’ve done this, it’s not easy – but it’s also not optional. I’ve done this on a modest income, with no support (child or other parental). I’ve also done two military deployments during the 11 years I was a single dad – disarming bombs in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
Both my kids are grown and on their own (yay! I can have nice things again) – they made it to 18 without a prison record, unintended pregnancy or getting stabbed by a South American hooker – I’ll call that a parenting win!
You’ve got this – you just don’t believe it…
Penelope,
You need a business manager. I look at your site and I see untapped real estate. You have 135K followers. Advertisers would covet access to us — the right kind of advertisers. Those who offer services and products that align with the needs and values of your readers. You don’t have to clutter your page with gratuitous offers. But, a couple useful ads would not be a bother to your readers, I would think.
Hand pick the businesses that you would recommend to your best friends (that’s who we are, right?) and give them exposure on your site. It’s a different kind of GoFundMe, if you will.
Whatever you do, don’t stop writing your truth and sharing it. Offering prayers.
Mary Beth
What a courageous post. But you must not let yourself believe that you have failed your son. I speak from experience. You have poured everything you had into your son, and he has grown clear and confident and competent to take his next steps … out of the nest. Your work, as the parent of a juvenile human, is to usher him to agency and efficacy (some would say, ideally on a path of self- actualization). Where’s the rule that says he has to do that in your house even if you don’t have the means to reside where he wants to work? It sounds like you got him to independence years before his peers. Enjoy and celebrate his autonomy. Had you been a different kind of mom, he’d have no earthly idea what was next or how or whether he might get there. Holy shit. All the way up to this moment you’ve encouraged his growth at the expense of your health and sanity. You got him to where he is. Pass the damn baton. This isn’t about you. Let him enjoy his roll. he’ll be back. Just give him a minute and don’t make him feel bad for being ready. Your writing is awesome.
My daughter plays Cello, starting on Bach at 10. We have talked about Julliard but we just can’t afford it, she isn’t ready until next year. We have talked about cost/desire/ability and dreams.
We can’t always fix things for them to give them a perfect life with us. Sometimes we let them go into the wild. You are giving him an opportunity to grow. It’s exciting. We can’t give them everything but sometimes it’s just our unconditional love they need to find solutions.
Penelope, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities) and PTSD as a result of trauma/abuse. Have you applied for Social Security Disability and SSI? It takes a couple years to get SSDI but you may be able to get SSI in the meantime. That would give you Medicaid coverage. But with it you will also get disability income for your minor children. You can apply for SNAP (aka food stamps). You can apply for public housing and Section 8 housing. Does your community have a public mental health facility? They normally have a sliding fee scale. You can get a case manager who is a social worker who can help you walk through all of these things. You can get medications for your PTSD via Patient Assistant Programs through public mental health. The medications would be free. As a Certified Peer Specialist in Mental Health Recovery I can give you more support if you contact me directly.
I have thought about this before. I have the ability to make a lot of money if I have help with daily life skills. So I think I would be happier making money and paying someone to help me function in the world then getting money from the state and not functioning as well. I love having someone help me — sort of like a babysitter. I used to be ashamed to admit this. Like it’s indulgent or something. But now I see, in hindsight, that all the investors who funded my startups also funded someone to make sure I didn’t go off the rails.
Penelope
Dear Penelope –
This hurts my heart. I have been a fan of your work, your mind, your approach, your humour and your candor for the past year. You don’t know the number of times you have uplifted me or made me feel more empowered after reading your blog or your Quistic emails about my type. As someone who is also deeply struggling, it saddens me that someone I look up to is also going through it. I saw your Patreon and just joined; I wish I could do more than the $2 tier. You are invaluable. I lost my job two months ago and am still owed backpay, amidst some other life bumps. Life. Nonetheless, I am sending strength and prayers for you and your kids :)
I wholeheartedly thank you for all that you bring to the world. You are a treasure, no matter in your highs, lows, or in between.
Warmly,
Alexis
I have learned so much from Patreon. I would have never though $2 would make me so happy, but it does. It’s a vote of confidence, and it’s a commitment to do the community with me. And it’s permission for me to try stuff with a group that I think will be forgiving. The $2 means so much to me. Thank you.
Penelope
Obe of the best thing I did was to stop my daughter from ice skating, it was a similar situation with coaches and skating moms,a place I wish I never was at. I wish I had ket my daughter just skate and have fun instead of competing. The politics in this kind of circle was simply not something nice. It was hard, very hard to stop after paying for lots of classes, but I decided it was not worth the pain to continue. It was embarrassing to give up and needed strength but not more than what it would have take to cope with continuing it. Your class situation may be different but I wish you can just go back for a good quality of life first. Eating crackers and living with rats may seem like a sacrifice but neither you nor your kids should go through that.
If he is unable to get a scholarship take a break and practice if possible. I wonder if Harvard Berklee program has need blind scholarship as regular Harvard program. Harvard’s scholarship includes boarding I think. Please try other schools too, many do give good scholarships that include boarding for students.
I am sorry, my daughter’s coaches were good but expensive, she had an Olympian as a coach, there are students who are living with coaches too, we just could not do that, the cello mom politics may not be same too as skater moms politics at our place. Yes it is all a lot of scarifice everywhere and I may have been wrong to stop the wholething because we could not afford. But I am fine with it and so is my daughter. It is just a personal opinion. If she was going to make the world better place with her success it would be good. But to make the world a better place is not something I would like her to give up no matter what she becomes. I agree your situation is different. I just feel terrible about the living condition though.
I also wanted to suggest Paris conservatory, but he will need b1 level French. It is tough to get in, there is no fee. Please do research other programs. To get accepted in college at 11 is already an accomplishment.