I’m too sad to write a title

When you tell your friends, in disbelief, about this post, you will say, “She’s liveblogging her nervous breakdown.”

I am doing that. Because I don’t know what else to do.

The problem with blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you can never work again. The problem with not blogging while you are having a nervous breakdown is you have to hide things.

If I weren’t blogging, I would have such a long list of things to hide.

For example, even though my son got into Juilliard, he’s not there now. We can’t afford it. I can’t navigate trains because I can’t read numbers. And I can’t drive because I can’t predict the direction things come from. And taking a car to and from Juilliard is $500. I couldn’t pay that every week. And then there are cello teacher politics. I cannot write anything about that because all the cello teachers would hate me.

I have not said any of this. For one thing, every time I have tried to explain not being able to travel, people think I’m lying or not trying. People think I’m being a pain.

That might be true. I can’t tell anymore. It is a social skill to know if you’re being a pain. I know for sure people are really sick of me. And that I am ruining my kids’ lives by not being able to deal with the people my kids need.

The higher the stakes, the more trouble I cause.

So, right now, my son is leaving. My cello son. I have tried so so hard. But the cello world is all social skills.

I think about the hierarchy of life. I think about how could I be failing so massively right now? But it’s taken so long for me to completely fail, I haven’t totally noticed. I am the frog unaware that I’m boiling.

I think about when there were no kids, and it was just work, it was me and men. Work is mostly men. I worked almost exclusively with men for most of my adult life. The career world is very competitive — and most women aren’t. Women are collaborative. But it’s a different story in the mom world.

The social skills you need to navigate cello moms are at a level I have never experienced.  I can’t even begin to talk about how incompetently I navigate this. The cello moms who know me well would be incredulous to hear that I spend most of my waking hours trying to figure out how to make them like me — or at least, how to make them not hate me. They would probably tell you it looks like I’m not trying at all.

Looking back now, I think I was barely holding things together until we moved to Swarthmore. My biggest issue is abandonment. So, it doesn’t matter to me that the farmer was abusive. I can’t get my head around abuse, anyway. The only thing that matters to me is that he cut me out, overnight, with no warning.

I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t work. Some days, I was nearly catatonic. Any energy I had I thought should go to the kids. So I did not make very much money. Sometimes I did. But mostly, I didn’t.

And as the kids required more and more of my time, I became even less and less able to earn money. I cashed out stock from one of my companies to catch up on bills.

I feel so alone. I don’t receive child support. No one helps me financially. Sometimes, if we don’t have money for food, Melissa sends money. There have been times when we have been stranded somewhere and I have had to ask her for $20 for the Uber to get home.

It’s not that I’m not able to earn money. It’s that the nonstop pressure of a cello kid and a kid with Asperger’s and me with Asperger’s and me being the only one making money and me being the only one taking care of the kids is all too much. And I think I started to shut down.

I tried to tell people I couldn’t keep going. But I guess people think I’m incompetent and irresponsible and largely a lost cause.

I used to tell myself, “My family doesn’t know how bad it is, but if they knew how bad it is, if I told them how bad it is, then they’d help. So, I’m OK. I have that.”

Then there was a time I called my brother from cello camp. I told him I was going to be arrested if I didn’t pay the hotel bill. The policeman was standing right in front of me. I asked my brother if he could pay the bill.

He told me not to ever ask him for money again.

I thought to myself, “I’m looking at six more years of taking care of the boys and no one will help.”

We don’t really have money. I don’t know how to describe it. People who are very close to me can see how expensive cello is. But on top of that, I don’t always know what is important and what is not important. I spend money where I don’t have to and then I don’t spend money where I should.

So everyone tells me I spend too much money and I make terrible money decisions. But it’s very hard to get good advice about money when it’s about parenting. Or maybe everyone is giving me good advice and I’m not hearing it. That could be.

I decided people are right and I moved the boys to be right next to the cello teacher. I sleep in the closet in a two-bedroom apartment with mice. No more travel expenses. There’s still not enough money.

Once, I said to my son, “You have to practice cello every single day, even on the days when it’s hard. That’s what makes you a great cellist.”

He replied, “Mom. Can’t you just accept that sometimes I’m having a hard time? When there’s nothing to eat but crackers, I don’t tell you to try harder to make money. I know you work your hardest.”

That’s when I realized the boys know everything. Or maybe I already knew. I guess it just hurt.

I am telling you this so I don’t have to hide from my shame. I’m telling you everything. Because right now I am trying to cope with the fact that my son has to leave.

I have failed him. He’s leaving tomorrow. He has to go somewhere where someone can help him become the cellist he wants to be.

The history of memoir is writing after it’s done. There is redemption. People only tell horrid stories in hindsight. I guess I don’t totally understand why people don’t talk about sad things that are happening as they are actually happening. I think it might be because it’s like cutting the lifeline you could use to pull yourself out. But do we have to hide to have a lifeline? I’m not sure. I will find out.

173 replies
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  1. Diane Ott
    Diane Ott says:

    Many people have posted good advice for you. You are strong and you are a fighter and a good mother, something you didn’t learn at home. It breaks my heart that you are so sad right now, but your sons love you and that will come back to you.
    I don’t know if I missed a post but I wonder where your son is going?
    I hope you pull out of your funk soon. I know you will eventually. it’s who you are.

  2. J.E.
    J.E. says:

    How is your son leaving any different than other kids at the top levels of their fields leaving home? Many young elite athletes, for example, don’t live with their parents. They live near their coaches with either the coach or the family of another athlete. In cases where they do live with their parents, often the parents uprooted and moved or the family is split and one parent stayed behind in the hometown, often with the other kids or for their job, while the other parent moved with the child.

  3. J.E.
    J.E. says:

    Also, make sure your son still really wants to play cello. Is it still his passion and ultimate goal or is he sticking with it because he feels obligated because of the sacrifices that have been made up to this point?

  4. YesMyKidsAreSocialized
    YesMyKidsAreSocialized says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about this, but am glad you are sharing the details with us and I know that you’ll pull through this rough period.

    Where is he going? To stay with a friend or family? Will he be close by to see you regularly?

    I clearly don’t understand cello politics, but why are you trying so hard to be friends with other parents? For carpooling? My middle daughter is an actress and the most I can do with other parents is be friendly and polite because we tend to see the same kids in acting classes and at auditions. Unless we are on set together…then we can be friends. It’s too competitive and I learned that most of the time they don’t really want to be my friend. So maybe just be friendly and polite but don’t work so hard to please people who don’t care that much anyway.

  5. Sandy
    Sandy says:

    Penelope, you haven’t failed either of your sons. They know you love them and they love you in return. You’re also allowing one son to go elsewhere for his future. That’s the epitome of being a good mother.

    Is the father who’s not paying child support their birth father or the farmer. In either case, your sons must know he’s not helping to support them. His claim to not be able to visit them if you get child support sounds like a blackmail of sort. Consider filing for child support. Your kids will understand.

    So, you’re depressed and not thinking clearly. You do need money, but I agree that someone should help you with spending decisions. Short-term, I’d also suggest a GoFundMe. Maybe Melissa could help manage the money you get from that? Then you need to find the energy to start making money through one of your businesses. Or create a new one. After that you can make decisions about other things.

    You’ve sacrificed everything for your sons. Your ex and the farmer haven’t helped. Your brother sounds like a jerk. Melissa has been your one true friend. But the cello sounds very very expensive. Without other support, it’s amazing you got your sons this far. Now you have to take care of yourself and get strong again.

    Remember this though. Whether they’re living with you or not, both your sons need you. They need to know they can call you and talk to you. They need to know that you’re out there thinking about them.

    Also, you do have friends here who will contribute to a Gofundme. Please take advantage of that.

    • Not That Melissa
      Not That Melissa says:

      If you’re sincere and would actually contribute to a GoFundMe, just send her the gift of money via Paypal. All you need is her email address, which you probably have already.

  6. ellen
    ellen says:

    this is RICH. she charges people over $100 for one hour abusive conversations. which i’ve been trying to make sense of ever since – i knew she had to be in pain in order to be so nasty during our “coaching session”.

    yeah, set up a go fund me – she needs the $ for intensive inpatient therapy. i’ll set up a gofuckmyselfcuziwasstupidenoughtopay$150liveandlearnneveragain.com

    • Simone
      Simone says:

      Not sure what happened in your coaching session but I don’t think anyone deserves a comment like this especially a single mother like Penelope.
      Remember an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

  7. Bryn Bamber
    Bryn Bamber says:

    Thanks for sharing so vulnerably. I’m touched by your honesty.

    And I’m so sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.

    I’m not sure what you should or shouldn’t do but I’m proud of you for blogging and sharing with your community who want to support you. Brave.

    Sending energetic support,
    Bryn

  8. Erin Darling
    Erin Darling says:

    There’s a fine line between hope & despair. Or, rather, maybe the coordinates are the same, it just depends on whether you’re looking into the light or turning your back on it. That’s why, even though my life is hard, too, and my family has abandoned me, too, and I can rely on no one to help me pay my bills, just like you, I decided: fuck it… I need a fresh start. So I am changing my name. https://ekwetzel.com/im-changing-my-name/

    I’m sorry your son is moving. I hope that’s what you mean by “losing” him. You’re doing a great job as a mom because you’re parenting with love and trying to do your best. I think those traits are real. Perfection is fictional.

  9. Claudette Stewart
    Claudette Stewart says:

    Girl! I like you!Think of riding down the street on your bicycle with your hair flying in the sun and wind.

    I have BPD and I am always in an awful mood. My husband…perfect storm, Aspberger’s

    What will become of us?

  10. Lis
    Lis says:

    You are not ruining your children’s lives. They will survive just like we all did. The cello moms don’t hate you. They don’t even notice you because they’re only worried about what everyone else thinks of them. Forget about them. It’s crazy hard to be a parent. You are doing your best because you actually care about your children. That’s a lot more than some kids have. Breathe deep and carry on.

  11. Erin
    Erin says:

    I left a longer comment last night, but I think it didn’t post Bc it included a link. And now: kids distracting. I just wanted to say: I love you. You’re darling.

  12. Sigrid Chu
    Sigrid Chu says:

    Hello Penelope,

    People don’t talk about sad things when they’re happening because sad things when there’s no redemption, are just sad. It’s hard for most people to handle it when they don’t know how to help and make things less sad. And it’s hard to help because people themselves need help too.

    Just speak your truth. Don’t worry about what others, the cello teachers, or the cello moms are thinking. Life is hard enough to think about that.

    Start the Patreon. Just do it. You already have 3 people at least who will be your patrons.

    Best,
    Sigrid

  13. Olivia
    Olivia says:

    Penelope, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. And kudos to you for sharing it. I hope it helps.

    One thought I had after reading was: could you set up a trust for yourself, administered by Melissa? Even if you paid her to oversee it, you’d be out ahead financially because the money would be going to the right things. (I’m thinking something akin to what was set up for Britney Spears after her breakdown.) One of the tricky things with setting up something like this is having someone trustworthy at the helm, but you *do* have someone in Melissa. And maybe couple that with a GoFundMe, as others have recommended, to give you a jump start.

    Wishing you an easier path ahead.

  14. Aquinas Heard
    Aquinas Heard says:

    If you set up a Venmo account and asked readers to go back over the posts throughout your blog from which they received the most value and asked for them to send you whatever amount they thought was fair, you would get *earned* money. Nothing wrong with charity but your blog is a value to many – and because of justice – they should be willing to give you value for value.

    I’m happy to be the first to send. Given my budget, that would likely be $1-$2 per post. I’m kind of poor right now, so my total budget would likely be around $25 for you. This approach would also have the benefit of showing you where you are giving the greatest value for your readers. When I Venmo the money, I’ll list the blog title in the notes section of the app. A byproduct of this approach could help you tailor more blogposts to either your greatest contributors or the blog subjects that received the most amount of contributors.

    Hang in there. Also, there nothing wrong or shameful with asking for help when things get tough. I know that can be very difficult. It’s hard for me to ask for emotional or financial help.

    Thinking about you.

    Aquinas Heard

  15. MaryRobin Gibson
    MaryRobin Gibson says:

    Dear Penelope,

    I am so sorry and worried about you. So glad you honesty is continuing. I live in the same world you do (feel more comfortable working with men, have no idea how to connect to women, feel overwhelmed with the difficulties of money for my kids). And you are experiencing it to the extreme, with the single motherhood and the cello and Julliard. Please contact me and tell me how I can help. I am creative with solutions and love to help people. I also have been following you for 15 years, and just adore every time you write. You really understand so much so well. Motherhood is hard and it is almost impossible as a single mom and add to that cognitive difficulties and you have the gamut. We are here for you! Please reach out.

  16. Todd McCallister
    Todd McCallister says:

    Penelope, I would pay if your blog was a paid subscription site. Many others would too. You simply need to monetize your skills, even if it rubs you the wrong way.

    I hope things get better,

    A faithful reader

  17. Melissa
    Melissa says:

    For everyone suggesting a GoFundMe or a Donate button or [insert crowdfunding platform], there’s a simpler way. Just send the gift of money via Paypal using Penelope’s email address. It’s her first name [at] penelopetrunk.com. I tried it, it works.

    Now if you want to send her money with strings attached while also making sure that a portion goes to the crowdfunding platform, then GoFundMe or Patreon might be the way to go.

  18. Fern Greenbank
    Fern Greenbank says:

    Penelope. Can I tell you something? I am new to your blog. As a new observer, maybe I have fresh eyes on your situation. I don’t actually have advice for you because I am in a similar boat. I think others are giving you good practical advice and challenging your thinking in many ways. What I want to say to you, which I hope provides comfort in a moment of despair, is that just the act of writing that blog empowers others, which means you are not a failure. Before being a mom or a wife or a friend or a blogger, you’re a human being. What you described is chaos, indecision, doubt, confusion and fear. Those are human emotions most people don’t throw out there in the midst of a crisis. You noted that in your blog. Hindsight doesn’t count right now. What if we talked it out while it was happening? Well, it would look really ugly and that’s what you did. It wasn’t pretty, the picture in your head. I know that practical advice is given out of love, but I also know that what you’ve expressed is the belief that you are not capable of making good decisions or navigate the world properly and practical advice kind of makes it more confusing because you can’t figure out how to take that advice. I feel exactly the same way and you have just given me such a gift by putting such a messy thought process out there for the world to see. I know it’s really corny, but I hope it will lift your spirits just a tiny bit to know that your honesty helps heal others just by letting them know they are not alone.

  19. Rayne of Terror
    Rayne of Terror says:

    Their dad is still their dad. Custody arrangements can always be modified if they aren’t working anymore. And this is not working. Where is he? Is he somewhere with good music education nearby? Could you not each have a household very near each other so the boys can go back and forth more easily and you get some relief from the grind? Dad can take over this schlepping during their teenage years. He doesn’t make any money anyway, he should be contributing more unpaid parenting labor.

  20. Simone
    Simone says:

    I like the Patreon Idea. It serves as a way to fund your son’s passion, a way to leverage your audience, but most importantly a way for your son to gain life skills that he may very well need in an ever evolving digital age.

    The average income statistics are nothing to get excited about, but it seems that those who already have an audience are fairly successful.

    Here is some important info I found:
    Most of the high earners are making videos and podcasts.
    Most of the high earners already had an audience, though there are exceptions.
    The top categories revolve around humor, learning, science, how to videos, music, gaming, news, personal journeys.
    Patreon income seems to follow 80-20 rule. 20% are earning 80% of the income.
    Many of the top earners leverage a fremium model where they disclose exclusive content on their patreon page to their patrons.

    With that said I am not sure that just playing the cello will allow your son to take advantage of your audience. However, I do think that he could potentially leverage your audience by creating videos based on his journey. Being home schooled and attending Julliard are two very unique life experiences.

    Granted, all of this is, I think, really depends on whether you can leverage your audience and whether your son actually ends up enjoying this process. If he absolutely hates it then he won’t be successful anyway.

    The other caveat is that I think Patreon’s model is flawed in that it requires the user to visit a separate webpage from the the one where they were introduced to the content. ie I have never given to Sam Harris even though every time I listen to one of his podcasts I feel like I should. If it was as simple as clicking on a button in itunes while I listened to his podcast, I would have already done so. Really what we need is for apple or google to purchase the company and integrate it into their platforms.

    On the topic of child support. take a step back and look at is logically. You are putting yourself into a situation where you may not get both money and a father who visits. The reason you don’t want to fight for child support is because you don’t want to be blamed for a father who doesn’t visit. This is an emotional response and not logical. A father is going to visit if he wants to do so and if he is an ISTP like you say, then this is even more true. If he cannot afford it, he will figure out a way.
    However, I can understand that if you feel like you could not live with yourself if he did not visit in the future, you may want to just wait. I am not sure what the laws are on receiving back child support, but that may be something to look into.
    You could also try to get the child support now and put away some of it as a fund to pay for his flights later on if he claimed he could not afford to come out. Actually, as I type this I like this idea the best because it puts the money in the hands of the ENTJ who is more likely to turn that money into more money.

    • jessica
      jessica says:

      She has discounted the support from 40k a year (what 400 usd a month? Maybe??) To be not worth the trouble.

      That makes sense.

      Really, The bio dad should be sending support regardless, or groceries. He is still involved with the kids. Paying for himself to see them is NOT the priority if they aren’t eating.

      Alternately, if he is aware of the circumstances and he is a man who needs to be forced through the court, is 400 worth it? After costs and fees?

      She makes that in one coaching session.

      Sorry, but I think the brother is just mad at the men she chose to associate with. I imagine he has high expectations of her (isn’t he a banker?) And her abilities.

  21. K.P.
    K.P. says:

    I think one reason people don’t share when things are MOST miserable is because at that moment, they aren’t ready for the advice or the judgement of others. I can only imagine how further isolating it is to read all this advice, even though you know it’s coming from people who care and want to see you better. I don’t have any advice. I just wanted you to know I read this post and hear your pain, and I am sorry it’s happening right now.

    • Penelope Trunk
      Penelope Trunk says:

      Thank you for recognizing how hard it is to read these comments. But also, it’s really helpful to read the comments. I think people give me really good advice — if someone takes time to leave a comment, it’s usually because they care. And I find that often, people who care have some insight.

      I also really appreciate people just saying they care. Reading those comments reminds me to do that in life – to listen and care. That’s a really big thing to be able to do for someone and I need to remember it’s as important as giving advice.

      Penelope

  22. Margie
    Margie says:

    Please do create a gofundme or Patreon site/account. Money won’t solve all issues, but it will make things a lot easier. I suspect you have many readers that would like to help. Possibly more than you think. Let us help.

  23. Erica Szabo
    Erica Szabo says:

    Dear Penelope,

    Thank you for being so honest. It cuts through all the posing, the pretending, the vast majority of social media, pop culture and advertising, and speaks with honesty about the human condition: the loneliness, the being lost, the pain and despair that we are vulnerable to even though we’ve tried to do the best we know how. We would be telling each other things like this with frequency if we lived in a world where it was more accepted to say what was really going on, and we all had the courage to do so.

    You are not alone. Your readers are offering to help you with a respite if you are willing to accept the help, or maybe Melissa can set up a GoFundMe if you feel too paralyzed right now to do it.

    Hang in there. This is not forever. This is just life. Something will shift. It will. You are dead tired right now but at some point you will be able to reconnect with your strength and talents. And your kids will be ok.

    Erica

  24. Sandra
    Sandra says:

    Penelope,
    I’m kind of in a similar situation, but for a different reason than cello. It is about paying for my kids’ rehab. I constantly worry about one of my kids OD’ing and dying. I understand feeling helpless and know how painful and depressing it is to not be able to help your kids emotionally, functionally and financially as much as you would like to.

    Some ideas that might help with your finances:
    1. Maybe you can put together another book and presale it again like you did a few years back when you sold that beautiful little leather book of some of your blog posts. You can sell one on career advice and another one of homeschooling, un-schooling.
    2. Maybe you can do some writing coaching. I know you said you are not good at editing, but you are good at coming up with and expressing ideas. You can read other people’s work (school or work papers, articles, blog posts, books, reports, thesis, etc.) and critique it for a fee.
    3. I know this might not be a popular idea, but perhaps you qualify for government benefits if your income has dipped so low that you cannot feed your kids. Even visiting a food bank can help you get by with less income.
    4. Talk to your kids’ dad to see if there is any way he can help you and the kids more. If he can’t send you any money (or the kids directly if he doesn’t want to filter it through you), then perhaps he can send stuff the kids might need like clothes, shoes, cello strings, resin, gift cards that he can add a few dollars to online once in a while, metro cards, food via Amazon, etc. Every little bit helps! Another thing he might be able to do is take a week of vacation from his job and come stay in your apartment with the boys for a week to give you a break. Perhaps he can Facetime with Z while he practices cello if you have something else to take care of. Everything (money, time, attention, care, education, planning, execution, etc.) for your boys does not have to fall solely on you! You are putting too much on yourself. Use your creativity to come up with other ways that their dad can help (outside of just visiting occasionally) if he can’t afford monthly child support payments.
    5. Try some of the other ideas your followers have suggested here in the comments. Some of these ideas, like the Patreon site or GoFundMe page are plausible. If people can start a GoFundME to raise money to help Kylie Jenner get from $900M to $1B so that she can become the youngest female billionaire entrepreneur (Or male! Kylie could pass up Zuck as youngest billionaire entrepreneur ever!) , then GoFundMe can help you and your kids too!

    Much love and luck,
    Sandra (ENFP)

  25. Allison
    Allison says:

    I am sorry for your pain. Lower your expectations. Kids want a happy mom. You left a hypercompetitive world to move to WI, then you reinvented hypercompetitive in a new setting. Let go of your addiction to competition and status. While they can bring many rewards, the price can be too high on several levels. Mental health and wellbeing first. Then add back to your life what makes you and your boys happy. You can do it.

  26. AW
    AW says:

    As a society we need to recognize that being a mother is a full-time job. Currently it is financed is through individual men or by outsourcing care to a hodgepodge of pseudo-mothers while the actual mother works. This is why I am – in theory – in support of a universal basic income. Returning to our real world here, I support the Patreon idea.

  27. Coriander
    Coriander says:

    I think a Patreon for both you and your son each could be great ideas… It may or may not be a huge income, but it might supplement some things, and your son could start building a fanbase.

    This too shall pass, and you will again find your footing. You always do. You met Melissa by hiring her as an assistant. Find someone who can help manage these day to day finances for you.

  28. Anna
    Anna says:

    Sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with others that you need to focus on making money. You and your sons need food and a steady income. It sounds like one son is leaving to live elsewhere. But you have your other son and yourself to provide for. So a Gofundme, Patreon, a donate button are all good short-term ideas. But you need to ramp up coaching, writing another book etc etc. Good luck!

  29. JO
    JO says:

    Dear Penelope,

    I wish for you to have sufficient energy to struggle through one day after the other and give much love to your sons. Tell them that you need them to love you back until you get over the worst of this storm of negativity and self-hatred. If you cannot love yourself right now, love your children. They will love you back.

    You are on my mind.

  30. Richard
    Richard says:

    i been reading her for over 10 years. she doesn’t need money, she needs to learn how to manage her money. giving her money at this point would be throwing it down a rat-hole.

  31. LR
    LR says:

    Penelope,

    I don’t know you personally, but my takeaway from reading years of your blog is that you need to learn and practice MODERATION. It seems that sometimes you pursue one goal to the exclusion and detriment of your other priorities. In this case, you’re pouring your energy and resources almost exclusively into cello and neglecting nearly everything else.

    Ask yourself some questions to evaluate your situation:

    1. What goals will your current cello practice enable you (and your sons) to achieve? My answer: It will possibly qualify your son to maybe have a career as a professional cellist. (As we all know, there are no guarantees in life; particularly in the arts.)

    2. Is this potential benefit worth the sacrifices (time, energy, money, sanity) you’re currently making? My answer: NO. Absolutely not. There are a limited number of slots for career cellists and that number is probably only going to decrease in coming years. In addition, even IF he enjoys a long professional music career, his income potential is limited. Musicians in the “big” orchestras may earn in the low 6 figure range, while players in smaller, community based organizations are often unpaid.

    3. Are there other ways to receive a quality musical education? My answer: Yes, of course! You could go back to once or twice weekly private lessons, a community youth orchestra, fine arts summer camp, and many other options. Cello does not need to be a full time job for a child.

    4. How can you shift your priorities to a healthier balance? My answer: Learn to compartmentalize. Carve out a specific amount of time and money for cello and limit your involvement to that allocation. For example, you may use spend $600/month on lessons, supplies, etc. and devote Monday and Thursday, 2:00–4:00 pm for lessons. That’s it. That’s all cello gets. Give cello 100% of your attention during its designated times and use the rest of your life to earn money, nurture your sons, and take care of your household. He should learn to practice on his own so you can use that time for personal productivity.

    Bottom line: Stop obsessing over things that may not even matter in the long run. Stop obsessing over things. Stop obsessing. Stop!

    You’ve elevated cello to a position it truly doesn’t deserve and it’s hurting your family. By devoting way, way too much of your time, energy, emotion and money into cello, you’re letting everything else fall apart. It’s become like an addiction for you. Step back, get some perspective, and start managing your life.

    P.S. No, your son should not leave home to study cello. That’s ridiculous at his age. He will benefit much more from having a healthy, stable home life and a mother who is fully engaged. Be that.

  32. Christine
    Christine says:

    Wow, seems like your son leaving is the straw that broke the nervous breakdown back. I feel for you. As a mom, it seems scary to imagine that I can’t provide for my kids creative expression and maybe have to give up being their main support. Oh, I’m sorry…really sucks – knowing how hard you’ve worked and somehow it still isn’t enough…… my palms are sweaty reading your post. Feels heartbreaking. I’m sending you a very gentle hug for your nervous system and a great big thumbs up for all that you have done for sooooo many of us. May your courage to write this be appreciated especially by you. I had to let go of my son once – broke my heart – and in hindsight it all worked out, but at the time my grief was inconsolable. May your grief be brief and cleansing.
    Much Love,
    Christine

  33. Denise
    Denise says:

    Penelope, I have been reading and following blogs regularly since about 2008 or 09, switching out who I follow as they and I have changed. You are one of the handful of writers I continue to follow religiously – I never miss a post. This is all to say that I would gladly contribute to your GoFundMe or Patreon site as a way to pay you in some way for all that you have given and continue to offer me as a reader: entertainment sometimes, insight and information often, but always human connection. You bring your audience into your life and that is a gift to us. So anyway, thank you, and please set up a funding source…and maybe write a book? You are a writer after all!

  34. Simone
    Simone says:

    The other thing that comes to mind as I read the other comments on this thread is the question of who actually wants the cello career – you or your son? The reason why I ask this, as a person who lives with an ENTJ and heavily geeks out on Jungian psychology is that ENTJs have a tendency to live out their dreams of creative expression through other people. It’s their ISFP subconscious talking.

    I think this is a really important piece to your being able to move forward. If it’s your son that really wants it, then he should be motivated enough to put in the work to help fund it himself. However, if it is your dream and not his, then this may be life’s way of telling you.

    A lot of the kids I have both coached and recruited have had to work to pay for their coaching. Every single one of those kids have been an absolute dream to work with . They have such grit and passion. They work harder because there is a sense of ownership over their dream. Don’t get me wrong, I think there is a lot of value in a parent supporting their child’s dreams, but in my experience and everything I have read on the topic is that prodigies usually have a little bit of support and and a few tough challenges in their lives. I’m sure you have also read the literature but just in case, my fav authors are Carol Dweck and Angela Duckworth.

    In regards to the folks on this thread telling you that you over-prioritize cello, that is just because they do not understand an ENTJ. If your son really loves cello then I find nothing wrong with supporting him in his dream. I wish I had a mom like that. I don’t think we would have prodigies without moms like that. It is in your nature to want to help support someone attain something greater. I think if you took away that motivation, you would be LESS likely to find ways to make money.

    I just watched an interview on Elon Musk. He mentioned that the reason he can take the risks that he does is because when he came to America, he learned that it was really possible to get by on $1 a day eating rice and beans. It was an important lesson for him to learn and allowed him to take the steps that he did in his life. Now I am not saying as a mother to make your kids eat rice and beans, but if one wants to strive for greatness then making sacrifices like that comes with the territory and if your son really wants to be a great cello player, then eating crackers will be worth it to him in the long run. Or he may choose to have a more balanced life and cello may not be as high of a priority.

    As someone looking from the outside in, I believe your son is going to do great things no matter what, whether it is becoming an amazing cello player or something else. Because he has a great mom like you.

  35. Ellen
    Ellen says:

    Please ignore those who say you have mental health issues, managing money, are a failure, etc.

    Sounds like you’re going through a very, very rough time, and few people are brave enough to admit when they hit points like these in their lives. Keep in mind…no feeling is final. You only have up to go from here. You’re doing the best you can & you’re an amazing person, but your mind is tricking you into thinking you aren’t right now. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you think you can’t go on. You are not alone, many of us have felt this way too. We are all here for you.

    Also, I find it an interesting phenomena of human behavior that a bunch of people said “someone set up a gofundme account”, and yet, no one did…

  36. Rachel
    Rachel says:

    Thanks for sharing, Penelope. Longtime follower, and I agree with all the others, I’d be honored to pay at least a little for all the good you’ve brought into my life. Then I’d get to read your blog in the future because you’re being paid to write it….

    Hope you’re days are getting better. Wish there was anything I could do, and thanks for writing in the pain. You’re right. No one does that.

  37. Fred
    Fred says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through this Penelope. I can hear the pain in your voice.

    I recently read Paul Kalinithi’s “When Breath Becomes Air” and Kate Bowler’s “Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved” – two people acquainted with pain who wrote/are writing through it. I think it’s a noble gesture. All of us are vulnerable. Some just hide it better.

    Life is such a mixture of joy and sadness, isn’t it? Our existence seems arbitrary and absurd. We’re floating around on an insignificant planet orbiting an insignificant star in an insignificant galaxy. All of our happiness and sadness is neurons firing through an insignificant mass of cells that get an average of 82 years of life.

    I personally cope with it all with religion. Specifically with Jesus. And frankly I’m not very good at that myself. But it helps, sometimes. I like to think that God came to earth and sort of shared in our joys and suffering personally – maybe for multiple reasons, at least one of which was to experience and empathize with what we’re going through here – and somehow to help us redeem it.

    I wish there were more one of us could do. I’ve been reading your stuff for 10 years off and on. I enjoy your realness.

    I’ll be praying for you tonight.

  38. DB
    DB says:

    Yes please set up a Patreon! I will support it. Have read you for years and always appreciate your honesty and perspective.

  39. Grace
    Grace says:

    Penelope, besides financial help, do you have any access to no cost or low cost therapy? Are there any community agencies that offer this? Any synagogue’s that can offer support? I love the support of your readers and we do care for you so much, but you need someone to talk to face to face, and honestly, someone to assess your wellness. One other thought – could your younger son stay with his dad or a friend for a time, just until you are back on your feet and have some supports in place to keep you on the wise path? You have not failed as a mother. Life is f-ing hard. It is just all too much sometimes.

  40. Niki Wonoto
    Niki Wonoto says:

    People just want to be happy. It’s Human Nature.
    But what’s sad is how today people are not being real honest with themselves, the truth, & the reality.

    Everyone just wants to be “positive” & “optimist”.
    Everyone just wants to be “happy” & “successful”.
    But what’s sad is -again- how today people are not being real honest with themselves, the truth, & the reality.

    To be very real honest, I blame this all mostly on the whole “self-help / motivational” New-Agey BS multi-billion dollars ‘industry/business’ nowadays, that have successfully (& sadly) brainwashing a LOT of people living in today’s world & Society.

    They teach & taught us *wrongly* about what’s being “positive” and “optimist” really truly means. Instead, nowadays people become so good at lies, denials, & worst of all: lacking honesty, critical-thinking, and even empathy.

    Nowadays, we have to constantly look “happy”, “successful”, or “everything is okayyyy” / “everything is fineeee”. Because if not, then that automatically means that there must be something wrong with us. Is it? Or, people nowadays are being ignorant, dishonest, & simple-minded? All because of -ironically- all those ‘successful’ brainwashing of “the power of positive-thinking” ?

  41. Rebecca
    Rebecca says:

    Job done, you fearless fear-filled chick you!!

    You snapped my head 360 degrees last year, in the worlds most confronting life coaching session, and your blunt observations made me stop whingeing and get my shit together. Very quickly. I’m utterly deeply glad to have returned the favour.

    Penelope, we speak the same ENTJ language. (refer my original post above).

    To start with, I pledge $10AUD monthly to your freshly-minted Patreon campaign. What day of the month are you posting the kids cello videos? May I request the Bach. With evidence, I’ll increase my patronage!

    And just saying, I’ll be back to ride your ENTJ arse if I think you’re wasting my ENTJ money.

    Best regards, Smiling broadly
    Rebecca

  42. Epictetus
    Epictetus says:

    I’d pay, say, USD 15 / year to read your blog. You have thousands of fans. 2 000 x USD 15 = 30,000. Better than nothing.

  43. Evy MacPhee
    Evy MacPhee says:

    I want to make this sound gentle and supportive. I am afraid it will come of as snarky.

    Since you are homeschooling, nothing would stop you from teaching those boys to cook and grocery shop. There are many, many good cookbooks for kids, which include nutrition information. I am sure your local library will have some.

    If either of your boys are edging up on puberty, they need to have plenty of nutritious, not fancy, food. Beans and rice come to mind.

    The food banks where I am don’t always hassle people about their income. Check out yours.

    There are also community gardens that might very well appreciate your boys’ muscles and enthusiasm. They can check available resources at the local library.

    They do have library cards by now. Yes?

    I have been around teen aged boys going through their growth spurts. Food is vital for them at that time.

    Having lived in a place that had mice, I can recommend bottom of the line mousetraps from your local grocery and/or hardware store. The boys can learn to set and empty the traps. They will end up feeling competent and useful.

    May I suggest that you do at least some of your therapy with a social worker, a licensed social worker, if you want to get fancy. They are good at helping people who somehow missed the basic life skills.

    I am sorry you and your boys are in such a difficult, painful place. I send hugs and moral support along with this practical advice.

    Here is what I found looking for Swarthmore Pennsylvania’s library.

    https://www.swarthmorepa.org/BusinessDirectoryii.aspx?ysnShowAll=0&lngNewPage=0&txtLetter=&txtZipCode=&txtCity=&txtState=&txtBusinessName=library&lngBusinessCategoryID=35&txtCustomField1=&txtCustomField2=&txtCustomField3=&txtCustomField4=&txtAreaCode=

    https://www.swarthmore.edu/libraries/borrowing

    You might find people to help with learning to cook and grocery shop for your kids at the local senior center. I can almost promise that you could get their help for much less than $50,000 per year.

    I learned to cook at ten years old from Adele Davis’ Let’s Cook It Right. That learning has stood me in good stead for more than 50 years.

    I have found people selling in hardware stores to be exceptionally helpful on learning to do things for the home.

    Check into local budget counseling, too.

    I was “raised” by crazy people, too.

    Take what you need and leave the rest.

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