Moving doesn’t solve all your problems but I moved anyway
I am writing this on my new dining room table, in my new apartment in Swarthmore, PA. We live above Dunkin’ Donuts, and I told the kids absolutely no buying a donut ever. But I bought a few coffees there as a goodwill gesture for using their Internet which thank goodness filters up to our apartment.
The kids think it’s totally incompetent that we’ve been here four days and still do not have our own Internet connection. They do not recognize we also don’t have pots and pans and sheets and shampoo.
I left everything we own at the farm. I can’t cope with the idea that we are never going back. And anyway we have to maintain Wisconsin citizenship because the homeschooling laws in Pennsylvania fixate on curriculum which would probably put my kids back in kindergarten. So I bought everything new, which is really a new chance to own nothing.
I ordered the minimum amount of furniture. The farmhouse is all old furniture. The boys made me promise new furniture for our new apartment. So I have been buying vintage instead of antique because new is relative. I bought the dishes Trudy uses in Mad Men. I bought the thumbprint green glasses my mom threw at us in childhood. Who knew my mom was a connoisseur of design?
I never planned to move to Swarthmore. In October we started having to drive three times a week to Chicago, which meant 24 hours a week in the car. And 27 if you count time for eating, and the more time we spent in the car the more time we took every time we got out of the car, and hours melted into days and stays overnight at hotels.
In November my husband and I decided the driving is too much, and I had to get an apartment in Chicago, and we’d go home to the farm on the weekends. But before I could get my plan in order, I had already scheduled my son to take lessons with a teacher from Juilliard, Amy Barston. Instead of staying in NYC for the lessons, we spent the week in the only hotel in Swarthmore, where she lives. And the minute I got there I knew we should move there to take lessons with her.
Lessons with Amy were great. We knew they would be. My son has had lessons with her before. We just never considered her as a choice because I didn’t think we were ready to move so far away from the farm.
It took me three days to decide to move. The first day I knew it would be great for cello. But my older son would have to come with. And I felt hesitant to drag him along with us if it wasn’t best for him. My older son loves academics. And he loves working in-person, one-on-one with a tutor. But we couldn’t find tutors near our house. So he did some subjects online. But we hit a wall with chemistry. The tutor said problem sets are difficult to do online. And we hit a wall with the SAT tutor who said our connection on the farm is so slow that we are wasting our money on the tutoring.
In Swarthmore I found a great biology tutor and an SAT tutor in one day. Local. In person. So easy. No driving for us. We interviewed chemistry tutors for two days. My son couldn’t believe how many choices he had. He was hooked. He wants tutors back to back all day long.
We could argue the merits of this plan. But you can’t argue how much easier it is to get my kids what they need in Swarthmore than on the farm. The farm was a really great place to raise kids. But it’s a very limiting place for teenagers.
Location is limiting to everyone. I guess families try to pick a location that presents the most opportunity for the most family members. In Wisconsin we live among the Amish. (Who, ironically moved from Pennsylvania to Wisconsin because land prices in the east are so high.) The Amish families put the community before the family and the family before the individual. I guess what I am doing is putting the individual before the family and the family before the community. I’m not sure there’s a right answer. You get something different depending on the decision.
What we have is that the kids are getting what they want and I am losing my garden and my house that I adore and the relationship I built with my in-laws, who I really like. My husband is losing his wife and kids. Maybe. Or, if he decides to move with us, he’s losing his job.
Most people will say this is extreme. Moving for a cello teacher for an 11-year-old. But this sort of situation happens all the time. Families relocating for a child star or an Olympic athlete. I saw a movie about ballet students trying to make it as professionals. Their families gave up everything so the kids could train at the right place at the right time.
But the point the movie really makes is that poor kids don’t do this because training takes too many resources. And rich kids don’t do this because families are accustomed to buying accommodations from people rather than bending themselves for an institution.
Giving up so much so the kids can climb their chosen mountain — this is the purview of the middle class. It’s for people who strive. Specializing is not something the rich and privileged do — because they don’t have to. Specializing is taking a big risk, and people take big risks to get something they don’t have. Rich parents do not take risks with their kids. It’s not worth the downside to them.
So we are taking a risk. I am risking my marriage and my financial security and probably my sanity so the kids can have the childhood they want. I am advocating the virtues of self-directed learning and I’m taking it to the logical extreme, because that’s how I do everything.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know how I’m going to keep my garden from going to hell while I’m living in Swarthmore. But I do know that the kids like mid-century design.
“My husband is losing his wife and kids. Maybe. Or, if he decides to move with us, he’s losing his job.”
This is so disgusting. It’s very clear that, even though you lived there for a while, you have NO idea what it means to a farmer to have a farm.
It isn’t his “job.” It’s his LIFE.
Work hard on trying to understand that.
I’m also wondering how this is working out with the boys’ father. He used to come to the farm and see them. If I’m not mistaken he still lives in Madison.
See you at the Jersey shore this summer.
Good move, long overdue. You have so many great public and private schools there, maybe the boys would like that. The whole Wisconsin thing was a dead-end.
You’re like the Trumps in reverse, living apart for the kids, only you’re not as dysfunctional. If you ever run for president, I will vote for you. I mean it.
As an avid reader of your blog, it came as a shock to read of your recent move. Like others here, I sincerely do wish you all much happiness. And of course this is your life, so you can do with it what you want to. Sure, everyone has an opinion, but like the saying goes, opinions are like a_ _holes, everybody has one.
I have found in life, for me anyway, that the mate in your life, husband/wife, or not, is my life, my soul. Permanent move such as this has to be devastating. But you seem to take it as, “no big deal”. Not everyone has a deep emotional with their mate. As we are all cut differently, I sure hope your husband is taking this as no big deal too. If I lost my wife and children, I would sure perish. They are my heart beat, they are they reason I live, and I suppose I could never understand this decision, to tear a family apart like this.
You knew this walking into this relationship where you would be living, on a farm, and you knew the kids would grow, and there would be limits of access to many things. You committed to this, and then say “the hell with it”, my child need cello lessons! Really?
Like the song goes, “you can’t always get what you want”. It would have been nice to have more than a three day discussion about a life changing event don’t you think? And I have to imagine you husband is devastated, even if you are not.
Divorce is a terrible event, and although you are not saying you are getting a divorce, what you have done is the exact same thing, just not technically.
Like others, I am not God, and my take on this can be all wrong and it is not meant to judge, but maybe you might take a second look at. Be well my dear.
They are not legally married, so there won’t be a divorce.
Just wondering how the boy’s father (not the farmer) fits into all this?
Penelope Trunk may or may not be a victim of domestic violence. All we heard is HER SIDE OF THE STORY. She shows no signs of autism and many signs of bipolar disorder which can sometimes mean violent mood swings. Until you hear his side, don’t be his jury. He took in two kids as his own and he seems to work very hard. She doesn’t seem like an easy person to live with by her own admission. Everything she writes about her family is from HER POV. maybe she doesn’t value him as a spouse enough but perplexed why she thinks the kids being so far from stepdad and biological dad is right for everyone.
For the hubby haters: Penelope Trunk may or may not be a victim of domestic violence. All we heard is HER SIDE OF THE STORY. She shows no signs of autism and many signs of bipolar disorder which can sometimes mean violent mood swings. Until you hear his side, don’t be his jury. He took in two kids as his own and he seems to work very hard. She doesn’t seem like an easy person to live with by her own admission. Everything she writes about her family is from HER POV. maybe she doesn’t value him as a spouse enough but perplexed why she thinks the kids being so far from stepdad and biological dad is right for everyone.
The farmer has an established history of domestic violence. This wasn’t a stable or healthy marriage. Sounds like the cello aspirations were the final push to get out of it, and I think that’s ok.
Great cultural and academic opportunities
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Chester Road – CVS, Goodwill, luncheonette, comic book store, gas station
SEPTA (South Eastern Transportation Authority) – local rails take you to Philly (Center City) other communities
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This seems risky for your marriage but good luck. I think a dad is more important than cello and tutors but we all make choices we believe in. I lived where you are. It’s a great area.
P.S. is it really homeschooling kids if all you do is hire tutors. May I ask if you ever taught them anything?
I think the farmer is nuts. He deserves his family. This shows competitiveness not closeness and sacrifice. Or maybe the marriage was disintegrating. I don’t know. But this is not how a family behaves unless there’s no other choice. I wish Penelope and her lovely boys the best though, And if penelope earns hundreds of thousands as she intimates, then she’s hardly middle class. middle class is $50-60K per family. I think she’s well above that. I can’t afford repeat private music and academic tutors as she can.
Penelope, my friend and I were talking for a bit while you were mia for a while that your kids and you yourself probably need to live in the city. Maybe not New York, but some place acessible so they can socialize more and all of you can be out of each other’s hair if needed.
Dunno if your son will actually be a celloist as a career (maybe moreso sales of some sort), but I think this will be healthier for them overall–especially once you get internet connection up.
To everyone else worried about the marital aspect.. maybe this will actually be a good thing for the relationship. lol Everyone gets proper breathing room and distraction.
tutors is homeschool for the rich. Penelope is rich by median wage standards. She thinks boys are girls, that’s the number one sign you’re an east coast liberal. It’s her choice to do this but I never approved of her using the term unschool when she hires so many tutors and music teachers. It’s a totally classical education as you said around her schedule. I feel badly for the farmer because this isn’t a marriage. But they had a great run. Good luck P! Change your website and wikipedia about your location :-) Also, you’re in an AWESOME area.
Sorry to tell you this, but you are not homeschooling your kids. Your tutors are schooling your kids.
I so respect the choices you are making! Good on you!
You can do it.
tutors is homeschool for the rich. Penelope is rich by median wage standards. She thinks boys are girls, that’s the number one sign you’re an east coast liberal. It’s her choice to do this but I never approved of her using the term unschool when she hires so many tutors and music teachers. It’s a totally classical education as you said around her schedule. I feel badly for the farmer because this isn’t a marriage. But they had a great run. Good luck P! Change your website and wikipedia about your location :-) Also, you’re in an AWESOME area.
She thinks boys are girls?
So glad you’re back. Good luck! I hope you enjoy the ride.
I keep thinking of the line on Lord Byron:
“Mad, bad, and dangerous to know.”
And then there’s the poor bloody Farmer.
Probably up to his eye balls in debt due to Penelope’s high maintenance, spoiled and materialistic ways.
Wow! Congratulations! Takes courage! I think farms are great places to grow up. Kids fly the coop eventually and will likely stay urban or suburban so why not rural till college? I just think you should work hard to stay married because the farmer as you call him is such a great father figure. Maybe skype some lessons so you can be home significant stretches. You can’t stay married like this and trust me Penelope the prospects for women over 40 aren’t hot you wouldn’t believe how crappy they are when you’re over 50. You’re very cute and successful and all but any guy you’d want wants you 20 years ago. Men are terrible agists. So weird how pretty women can get any guy in 20s but then men get the advantage big time. That’s what I’d warn your friend Melissa too. Looks like you raised two happy well adjusted warm bright talented boys who are lucky to have each other and you. You’re a good mommy! Hope you can keep your lovely family together. Please blog more!!!
It s interesting that you say: “It took me three days to decide to move.” Great move ;)
Penelope, I never comment but feel compelled to.
I noticed one of the commenters above inaccurately stating that its not that hard to homeschool in PA, that you can do whatever you want & you just have a tiny bit more paperwork at the end of the year. She was doing you & other readers a huge disservice. Homeschooling in any heavily regulated state IS a big deal. More so for you, since you’re coming from an entirely different environment of homeschooling in total freedom.
It is NOT cool to downplay educational regulations that could potentially turn your life upside down. I’m sure you don’t want your local school district sending you letters that you are in non compliance or accusing you of neglecting your children.
I don’t want to scare you. I just think you deserve the truth. Sugar coating’s not going to help you. How can you plan ahead, think things through, figure out how to homeschool the way you want despite all these regulations unless you’re fully aware of them?
Penelope, keep your Wisconsin residency as long as possible. If the time comes when that is no longer possible, just try to do your best to work around it without fully giving up the way you Homeschool.
Unfortunately, you won’t be able to get around these PA state required items:
-standardized testing (grades 3, 5 & 8)
-annual attendance requirements
-teaching some required subject matter
-annual health checkup requirements
-annual portfolio’s per child
-annual evaluations- your school district must have it by June 30th
-annual submission of your educational plan for the year per child -to be submitted before start of new school year
-annual log of educational materials/books used during the year; per child -to be submitted before start of new school year
-annual declaration of intent to homeschool. Notarized. to be submitted before start of new school year.
Hope this helps.
Hi Penelope,
I love that you did this for your children. They only have one childhood and you are truly doing your best to give them the best.
I also find your assessment of the risk for poor vs middle class vs rich families to be spot on.
This post brought a tear to my eye because I truly believe that our kids naturally want to specialize. And you are doing what I would do in your situation. Mine are three, but one is very musical so someday we might be moving for our children too. Who knows.
My parents separated when I was seven and divorced when I was 12. In retrospect, I realized that the initial separation was also around the time that my mother pushed me into gifted and started to pay a lot of attention to me and my extracurricular activities. For this I am grateful. But I cannot help but wonder, in retrospect, why she was paying so much attention to me when she should have been focusing on her marriage. I would have preferred to be average and have had two parents.
Rahasia dari kehidupan adalah bukan melakukan apa yang kamu suka, tetapi menyukai apa yang kamu lakukan.
I’m sorry people post such mean things. Seems meaner than it was, say, back in 2008-2012 when you were blogging more. You always land on your feet and you never let go of the blog. All of you are in my prayers as you make this transition. I have such desperation for my kids’ success. Sometimes, it tears me apart to think of them failing or me making a mistake. Childhood is so brief. Like a vapor. Shalom, Penelope. Shalom!
wow. This post touch my door! My dad an agricultural engineer, my mom a social workers hence we had a farm house (where my dad lived) and a city apartment where the rest of us lived. We used to go to the farm on the weekends, but as my siblings and I got older we wanted to stay in the city more and more. My mom didn’t move to the city just for us, it was also for her job. I hope you find something just for you in Swarthmore.
We make incredible sacrifices for our kids because for the first time, it’s not just about us anymore. You may not know if you’re doing the right thing – but I do know that you’ll drive yourself crazy if you continuously second-guess yourself.
For most farmers, it isn’t a “job”, it is part of who they are. What you are asking your husband to do is to reject who he is so that your children can pursue something that may or may not become who they are. When your boys are grown, if their wife asked them to leave behind their cello career, you would probably feel like that was ridiculous. Yet you are asking the same of your husband now. And your boys are learning they are the center of your world. That is a big burden for them to bear.
BTW – you completely rejected your own rule#6 for women that you wrote only 2 MONTHS AGO!
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2011/08/16/blueprint-for-a-womans-life/
I just came across this article as I was planning to move to the UK, my sister moved recently and I am sick of the Australian weather… but the one thing I can’t take with me is the lifestyle I’ve built, great friends, great work, and just being “tuned” in to your city (which just jappens to be a cool party city) is definitely something difficult to break up. I admire your courage! Subscribed :)
I’m not saying my comments are accurate. Is a lot of behind-the-scenes going on. But other words come to my mind besides brave. How about an neurotic?How about self-indulgent and can afford to be? How about I wish I could live in New York City and have millions of dollars but this is my compromise? To an outside Observer this is just selfishness with an excessive amount of rationality Slash Logic that is neither rational nor logic. Or concerns other people’s lives? Your relationship with his father sounds like one of convenience… Not romance or love or commitment. Some would say it is shallow… Ungrateful… Empty and Loveless. I’m reminded of that New York New York writer who killed himself who’s the seller novel was so self-indulgent… But it made such a huge sales impact on the people who just wondering to life and really have no clue or sense of meaning to themselves. I’m not necessarily saying this is you. And even if it is it doesn’t matter because it’s not my life. That’s an old saying… And how much mayonnaise do you add to chicken shit and never turns into chicken salad. I have no problem reading your stuff and supporting what you do from a distance… But from a personal standpoint stay away from you like you were Three Mile Island.