Leaving your options open sets you back

When I was trying to get on the national volleyball tour, that was the only thing I was focused on. So eventually, I played professional beach volleyball. When I was trying to get my memoir published, I was focused on that more than anything else, and eventually, University of Colorado Press came through. And when I was running my last startup, I was always focused on funding. That’s why my company never failed.

But now I have a new company that is well funded. And I have a blog that allows me to feel like a published writer every time I hit the publish button. I have reached so many of my goals, and it’s time to pick another.

I’m pretty sure the reason I don’t have a big goal right now is that the idea of having one makes me exhausted. I’m scared it will be too much work. I’m scared I don’t have the energy. So I don’t let myself commit to something big and difficult to do. The problem, though, is that not committing to a goal is as exhausting as committing to a goal. And here’s why:

1. Options open makes you lazy.
We have a limited amount of willpower, and if all our options are open, we have to use our willpower constantly. We are much better off removing choices and creating routines that preserve our willpower. I eat too many calories every morning at breakfast. Mostly it’s because I know I have to wake up and write. And like all good writers, I’m terrified that I’ll suck when I write so I am scared to write.

If I planned what I will eat each morning, then I wouldn’t exhaust my willpower with food and I’d have more willpower to get myself to write. (It’s an endless process—if I took away the choice of not writing then I would not exhaust my willpower writing and I would have more energy to argue with my kids about doing their chores before video games.)

I talk to so many people who say they don’t know what they should do next. But actually they just don’t have the guts to close off options. The key to committing to a goal is to understand that you will not be trapped, because taking options away from yourself actually opens up more possibilities for yourself. 

2. More options creates anxiety.
Throughout history, tons of options for survival made humans increasingly adaptable to the point that we relied on it to outlast all our evolutionary competitors.  Chip Walter warns, in his book Last Ape Standing, that our penchant for keeping survival options open has driven us to insanity as survival comes more and more easily. The extreme adaptability that served us so well in evolution is, today, a source of anxiety; at any given point we could choose one of a million options for our life. But the overwhelming number of options only makes us stressed, depressed and anxious.

Walter shows how social, cultural and technological leaps give us so many choices that we do the evolutionary equivalent of imposition – that is, we choose nothing and simply gaze at possibilities.

If you’re wondering what that looks like, I’ve provided a photo for you up top. That’s me, at my son’s dance recital rehearsal. I volunteered to be the mom in charge of the boys  in my son’s class:  get their costumes on backstage, keep them quiet, get them to stage-right five minutes before they go on.

The dance recital is interminable, so I figured I’d have tons of time to get work done while we were waiting. But when it came time to decide what was most important to accomplish in those two hours, the choices were overwhelming because I had no commitment to really going after anything.

So I went to sleep. My son took the picture (and then lead the group to stage right without me.)

3. Noncommitment is like multitasking: pointless.
Multitasking is the act of refusing to prioritize one thing over everything else. It’s non-commitment on a micro scale. It’s easy to see it doesn’t work. That’s why texting and driving is illegal. It’s why Twitter does not allow cell phones in company meetings.

The problem is that most of us think we are special. We think we can multitask in a productive way. Psychologist David Strayer does research that will at least take that particlar possibility off the table for you: Only 2% of the human race can multitask without compromising their ability to do either task. It’s something you are born with. “And,” he says, “that 2% is not me or you.”

When we refuse to commit to a goal we are ensuring that we do not reach any goal. Just as we trick ourselves into believing we can multitask, we trick ourselves into believing that we can reach goals we don’t commit to.

4. We display irrational behavior when we have too many choices.
Dan Airely studies this phenomena in a wide range of scenarios. For example, he offered six types of jams for sale and then he offered 24 types. He sold more when there were six types because people hate deciding anything when there are 24 choices. You may have conducted a study on this topic yourself. You don’t want to be tied down to a life partner so instead you keep picking terrible people to have relationships with in the name of keeping your options open. (The book that contains examples of his studies is a fun read: Predictably Irrational)

I see the same problem in my career coaching clients. I know, for instance, when I’m coaching a never-been-married 38 year-old woman who is in a career that she hates, it’s a pretty safe bet that she doesn’t want to commit to a love interest or a career and so she chooses bad samples of each in the name of not being tied down. (It’s also a pretty safe bet that that woman is an ENFP—it seems that every ENFP I coach has this problem to a degree.)

So what can you do? You can’t change thoughts and feelings. You can only limit your options. 

The only way to be a writer is to write. If I waited until I was excited to write, I’d never write. Because even when I have something great to say, if I have the option to procrastinate, I will take it in the hopes of finding something even greater to say later on.

So I tell myself I have to write. I don’t have a choice. I don’t get rid of the feeling of fear that everything I write will be terrible. I accept that feeling and manage what my choices are for responding to it. I’m a good writer because I have successfully convinced myself that there is not an option to be too scared to write. I can just write scared.

It’s how I’ve accomplished everything in my life: I went to the volleyball courts in LA even though I had no idea how I was going to get someone to play with me. I pitched my company to get funding even though I could always think of things I needed to do before I pitched the company.

Success comes from taking action. And the only time I’ve taken action to get something big is when I convinced myself I had no other option.

People tell me it’s so impressive that I drive 20 hours a week so my eight-year-0ld son can play cello. I tell them it doesn’t feel impressive because I don’t feel like I have a choice. He’s very talented and he works hard it’s what I need to do for him.

You might tell me that I do have a choice. When we have a choice to not do something big, we don’t do it. Each of us has a challenge to find something big that we want and then convince ourselves there is no option but action. Focused action does not include hedging our bets with something else. Because hedging your bets is like multitasking: everything degrades. And taking action toward a goal we’re committed to is like splashing cold water on your face: it’s difficult and jarring but you feel power to do anything in that moment.

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  1. Deanna
    Deanna says:

    I completely relate to this article. Being in my early twenties (and an ENFJ) making a move is paralyzing because there are too many options. I’m going to apply this train of thinking to help me focus on what I really want and commit to it.

  2. Sam
    Sam says:

    This rings true for me. But how do you set a big goal when nothing in particular stands out above the rest?

  3. Maria Killam
    Maria Killam says:

    This is such a great post because I feel the same way so often! I actually like it better when I have a close rather than far deadline because then I work hard and get it done rather than fool around thinking I have bags of time! Then I give myself excuses like “Self, you work so hard anyway, you deserve it” and the cycle continues. . .

  4. Sandra
    Sandra says:

    Two big goals I’ve met which were definitely initiated by feeling— One was moving back to California and the other one was going to Italy. Neither one of these had anything to do with career but both did have a lot to do with what would make me happy. Not just superficially happy, but deathbed happy. That is, when reflecting back on my life, I will say, so glad I did both of them. When I have that deep down knowing about something that feels right, and I plan for what I think I will change my life in a positive way, it manifests. Multiple options do drop away when that feeling is there and there is the motivation to pursue it. I don’t know if it makes sense, but to me, it feels both like being newly in love and in a long term relationship. It has so much promise and stability of purpose.
    Anyway! Blah dee blah! I like the suggestion of limiting options. For me, it’s true. Too many = anxiety.

  5. Tracey
    Tracey says:

    You sure have life figured out. Really, truly a great post and definitely something I needed to hear. Leaving my options open destroyed by mental health for quite some time. It’s so masochistic and delusional. Thanks for sharing your wisdom as always.

  6. Kathryn
    Kathryn says:

    This reminds me of a passage from The Bell Jar which stuck with me for years after I read it. A little scary to feel like you identify with Sylvia Plath, but eye opening too. “I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

  7. Brenda
    Brenda says:

    When we pinpoint our focus and determine what we really want to achieve, then all the distractions surrounding us become insignificant.

    I really enjoyed your article – too many choices are not a good thing

  8. Mark Vickers
    Mark Vickers says:

    I think this is great advice. I tend to work on too many projects at once and have been striving to focus more. It’s tough to make those decisions!

  9. Jack
    Jack says:

    Couldn’t agree more.

    On so many different levels, less is more – life, love, career, friends, family. The more you distract yourself with false options, the more energy you waste pursuing some false sense of “perfection”

    I learned this late in life, but now leap at my choices, committing and running down the path I’ve chosen, be it marriage, family, or my financial investments.

    Make your choice, and embrace it wholeheartedly. You’ll be happier in the long run.

  10. Tessa Gazi
    Tessa Gazi says:

    I don’t completely agree with this. As long as a person has some sense of prioritization regarding her options, it can only turn out better. I would never limit my own options

  11. Cece
    Cece says:

    This is a very insightful post. I totally agree with you when you say how you procrastinate incase you think of a better idea. I do exactly the same! It’s much better to just do something when you are excited first off.

  12. Joshua Tilghman
    Joshua Tilghman says:

    Penelope,

    Incredibly timely article. You have just helped me make a decision about a part-time job that I was going to commit to for all the wrong reasons. Thank you.

  13. Katie
    Katie says:

    Penelope,

    I’ve been following your blog for a while although I don’t usually comment. That is for 2 reasons.

    1) there are so many other comments, it feels useless and
    2) with so many other comments, how could what I say even be remotely interesting or helpful?

    But that’s something I’m working on. I digress.

    I just wanted to say that I really enjoy how your mind works and I always walk away from your blog posts thoroughly fascinated and intrigued.

    Thank you,
    Katie

  14. Luke
    Luke says:

    Totally agree with this article. Leaving your options open leaves you open to having your attention and energy sapped out by anyone around you. You just can’t say no because you don’t have a goal, a purpose. The tricky part is not becoming so enamored with the goal that you can’t let go, ever. It’s all about balance.

  15. Karina Love
    Karina Love says:

    Such an awesome post. I have struggled most of my life with this exact issue. I think that “keeping your options open” is just fear. In my life the ONLY times that I have truly accomplished anything was when I was 100% committed and could not back out. It is a delusion to think that you can achieve greatness without making a commitment.

  16. Janus Bifrons
    Janus Bifrons says:

    Hi Penelope,
    Great post and great advice. My high school career advisor told be doing an arts degree (like English or Classics…etc) would be great as it would help me keep my options open. I took the advice and when I graduated I was confronted with the realisation that:
    1. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do
    2. I wasn’t qualified to do anything
    3. I was competing for jobs against thousands of graduates that were more qualified than me for the jobs I was applying for
    I wish I had had more focus in my early 20s – I now in my 30s and stuck in a job I don’t want and a career that I’m not suited for.

  17. Kelly Jo
    Kelly Jo says:

    I say I am religious but the first place to which I come when I have a big decision to make isn’t the Bible, it’s your blog. That’s not sacriligeous or idolatry, right? If you’re thirsty, drink water, if you want to get drunk, pick wine.

    (That’s got to be a proverb, in some language, somewhere)

    Anyway, thank you, Ms. Trunk.

  18. DJIman
    DJIman says:

    Just today decided to make a few moves to have better life and found out your article! ;)
    Completely agree, especially about multitasking. So true…

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