The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
Out. Now.
Your mind has been patterned to see a certain type person as safe. That’s almost always from a first-week parental bond. Your system wants adrenaline from the constant fight-or-flight you endured while your body was still developing. You can use your analytical and writing gifts to set up a personal and parental relationship business plan with goals to overcome those things.
The picture was an outgrowth of the fact that abuse survivors believe we are only valued for our bodies.
You have one offer of housing. If that doesn’t work out, I have a unit available in a small town you never heard of.
You are the only blogger I would pay to read. I look forward to everything and anything you write. I would miss you – as would thousands of others.
You are a remarkable woman. We all love you from afar.
Who took such an intimate picture of you Penelope? You were in a hotel,right? Not your kids,I assume? Or,even worse,the farmer? Who was it then? And for what purpose? I am genuinely interested to know
Penelope the comments go on and on and on for pages and pages and pages. I just read this. The picture is awful and I knew what it was immediately. I read every word while holding my breath. Obviously this isn’t a good situation for you. Obviously you need some help right now. Obviously this is not appropriate for children. So it is obvious to us. There is no working it out. There is only “when” not “if”. Get it over with and move on.
in spite of your loving the man, he doesn’t want to be vulnerable enough to stop abusing you — it will take a LOT of effort. those pathways are set and reinforced in his brain now. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061906107/?tag=ptrunk-20
heard this neuro genius on Leonard Lopate on WNYC segment (google it, listen). I think this may help you detach from the love keeping you in these cycles of hell.
GOOD for you, going to a hotel. This is a start. GOOD. I’m proud of you.
I’ve said it in other comments and I’ll say it as many times as necessary. I was abused for years too. I always blamed myself. The abuse wasn’t my fault but it was my responsibility. Does that make sense? Meaning, I never deserved to be treated like shit, to be treated like I wasn’t an actual human being. But I was responsible for doing whatever I could do to save myself.
I was 24 when I did. Maybe 25. Now I’m 32 and I’m mostly fine. Sometimes I still miss the person who abused me even though I also hate him and feel like the abuse stunted my growth and talent. That bothers me more than anything–that he interfered with my fucking career!
But I didn’t have kids. I’m married now to someone loving and responsive and caring and dependable. And sometimes I miss the sparks and being on fire but I know I could never go back there. I don’t have the energy or the self-loathing anymore. And I want to have kids next year and kids thrive on routine and boring parents (not really boring, but you know what I mean–it’s about them now).
This isn’t just about you. This is also about your kids. What if I said by subjecting this violence to them that you are complicit in abusing them? Would that sting? Would you fight that? I say that not to hurt you. You don’t need more hurt in your life. But your kids witnessing this is not in anyway okay. And it’s more important than unschooling. I think you’ve become obsessed with unschooling because it’s an attempt to fix their lives without actually fixing the root problem, which is that you live with a violent, out of control man.
What they need is for you to move, cut ties with the Farmer and they need you to get therapy (DBT) and PROPER meds (NOT valium or xanax when you feel like it. See multiple psychiatrists and get that regimen right) and whatever else you need (Ashtanga yoga, meditation, being in a city, being with a boring rich guy, whatever!), just like you would need chemo if you had cancer. If you had cancer, you probably wouldn’t blame yourself. You would just try to get better. You need some meds and support so you can start getting better and stop reenacting your childhood. We all do it but if we want to be real adults, we eventually stop.
You can do it. You’ve done it before. If you can’t do it right now, let your boys live with their dad (your ex–what does he think of all of this? Where the hell is he in this picture?) while you get it sorted. Sacrifice your pride for them. Do this for them.
The ending sentence hurts: “I want someone to miss me.”
Never hold on to people who will not miss you. They are not worth it.
Love yourself, then find someone who loves you as you are (warts and all).
Penelope,
I have never written a comment before but have been following you for a long time. I own a successful company-a recruiting and staffing firm. I am president of an organization for women entrepreneurs. I initially loved your blog because I could relate to your confidence as a woman entrepreneur. I do not recognize the person you have become since marrying this man and moving to the farm. You will leave when it gets bad enough for you. The question is how bad does it have to get? This was a dysfunctional relationship even before the violence. I would have left a long time ago but it looks like your threshold for bullshit and manipulation is pretty high. You have the potential to be a role model for women and you are blowing it. It is sad to see how little belif you have in yourself right now. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my career but if he ever verbally abused me (much less physical) I would be gone. There are MANY other fish in the sea. There are so many men who would be LUCKY to date you much less marry you. You can survive on your own -you have before and can again-whenever you are ready. It may take a month or year or ten years but you will leave. You are too smart to stay.
I just hope you still have a career left at that point. How far down are you willing to go? Are you willing to lose everything? Sorry, I won’t be reading anymore until you leave. I cannot respect a woman in business who does not have self-respect in her personal life. I will be patiently waiting for you to get your life on track and act like the strong CONFIDENT woman we both know you are.
Wishing you all the best,
Andrea
president@nawboatlanta.org
I am truly sorry for your situation, I wish there was some way for me to help you. You are in my prayers.
Penelope, sweetheart, you can’t be missed if you don’t leave. But the most important thing is not the fact of being missed (or loved, or cherished), but WHO does the missing and loving and cherishing. You know this is not the life you want–not for yourself, not for your kids. You may believe you deserve it, but you know that’s a mistake. We, your readers, can scream it out at you every which way, but you need to *know* it, yourself, deep inside. You deserve better–WAY better. And if you want to be missed, then you first need to work on building relationships with people that will miss you for the right reasons. We, here, are a much-needed contact for you right now, perhaps, and we’ll certainly miss you, but that’s not the point. You need to have people in your life that love you and cherish you–for the right reasons. Not because they need a punching bag.
I know it’s a process, and it takes time. But please think of your children. Think of yourself. You deserve better. No one can give it to you–except you. Only you. We’ll hold your hand all the way, but you need to start walking.
Penelope, let’s say you are impossible. Still, no one gets to shove you like that. Let’s say the farmer is a good man, pushed beyond his limit. Still, no one gets to shove you like that. The time has come to leave. I am so sorry.
Penelope,
You are both right and wrong. You are right that you have some poor relationship skills, but wrong to stay in an abusive relationship. You choose relationships that are abusive because you don’t believe that you deserve better. You need to improve your relationship skills — first with your children, co-workers, friends, and then one day once you have those skills refined with a man in a romantic relationship. The good news is that you already have some good skills — just look at how much us reading this blog love you!
It will take time. Just like you give time and attention to your career, you need to consider the feedback you’ve gotten from relationships (from those people you respect) and consider how you can change how you treat people to improve your relationships. I am also working on this myself, and I think sometimes not saying things is as powerful as saying the “right” thing (especially for people like you and I who are talkative). Silence is powerful.
Realize that you are both worthy of love and acceptance, but that you are also imperfect and need to work on your ability to interact with others. Do not allow a label like Aspergers to stop you from improving.
Just because you have experienced a trauma does not mean you will be damaged by it, but you will be changed by it.
Realize that you are also modeling for your kids how relationships between men and women are supposed to work, so be careful to provide them with a positive role model.
At least for the boys, get out of this situation. They do not deserve to see, experience, or be frightened by these episodes of violence. Think of them first.
Dear Penelope,
I have read your blog for years, lost it for a while, and came back after you married the Farmer. I noticed right away how much more sad and beaten down your posts sounded. I so sincerely hope you find your way through this.
What your parents did to you was not your fault. Would you ever do anything like that to your children, no matter how “bad” they were? Of course not. The problem was them, not you.
Your body is sacred. No one gets to touch it, in love or in anger, unless you say it’s ok. I sense that you have not had the chance to learn that in your life, but it is a law of the universe :)
Lastly, you cannot trust your emotions in this case. They will tell you that you cannot leave, that you love him, that things will change, etc, etc. Your emotions are wrong in this instance, my dear. If it helps, treat it as your life as you would a business… someone is hurting your “inventory”…you and your children… and that cannot be allowed to happen if you expect it to grow and thrive. There will be someone who will love you and treat you kindly and gently, no matter how difficult you are to live with. But first, understand that you are worthy of that sort of kindness and gentleness. You are not irretrievably broken. It only feels like it.
Love to you. I hope we continue to hear from you. I would miss you.
I must say I was pretty shocked to read this post. Firstly I always kind of took the relationship talk in a slightly satirical way, especially with the code names you use but this situation isn’t good at all and I realised I have probably been reading real situations all this time.
You don’t deserve the violence in any form, verbal or physical and you need to get the hell out of there. The farmer needs to have a police report filled against him and it needs to stop. If not for you, for your kids.
Please take the advice and contact someone.
P, you sound like youre in a sinking boat — that’s been sabotaged by The Farmer — with no clear idea of how to save yourself.
The Farmer is the boat, the boat is sinking, he pulled the plug.
SWIM -AWAY- FROM THE BOAT.
DO NOT CONTINUE TO FLAIL IN THE WATER AND TRY TO GRAB ONTO THE FARMER, THINKING HE’LL SAVE YOU. HE IS ONLY GOING TO PULL YOU DOWN & DROWN YOU.
He caused the problem. He is not the solution. He is the anti-solution.
Please. Swim away and save yourself (& the boys).
=^..^=
Thank you for sharing. YES you do have a relationship with the many, many people who have enjoyed and benefited from your writing. PLEASE do this NOW.
PUT A FRICKIN’ PAYPAL BUTTON ON YOUR PAGE.
Musicians post their work and say, pay us if you like it. Louis CK says, here’s my performance, buy it if you like it.
LOTS of people love and are grateful to you for your writing, Penelope. Now let them help you.
((((((big hug)))))))
Ditto to the paypal comment.
I would happily donate in gratitude for the advice (already bought your book) and would jump at the chance to pay you, or someone you recommed (referral fee?) to eviscerate my resume.
hmmm…did he push you away? What exactly were you doing? Your use of words, “he slammed me into the bed post” makes me wonder what his side of the story is. And he “agreed not to beat you up anymore.” Again, the words that emphasis your viewpoint. There’s two sides here and we are not seeing the whole thing. Since you love to give TMI, what’s the whole story?
This is what I want to know.
What is the Whole Story…and a Big Apology to everone who reads your blog…
I think you should take the advice you had last time – go away for a month. Just a month. It might end up being a permanent change, but for right now you can just think of it as leaving for a month, which makes it easier to handle and won’t make your brain start resisting immediately.
Sending you love and comfort. Remember, there are other farms.
run far and fast. plenty of people will miss you and are sad you are putting up with this shit. you are teaching your kids that this is what “normal” relationships look like.
Speaking from the experience of someone who has been there….unable to leave (though no DV), it is quite freeing when you finally do. An exhilarating almost giggly time to be alone in your own head having fun with your kid. Then…in my case, along comes a grown up happy guy that actually likes me (now this is important) just the way I am. Whew. What a relief. I didn’t know before that you actually don’t have to settle. Good luck, hang in there and remember that you do not have to settle.
You can leave. You are already missed by most of your readers. We are waiting for you to take control and come back out of the rabbit hole.
In the past, we read your strong words to not feel helpless. It is infuriating to watch you drift further and further away each week you are on the farm.
Please stop letting the Farmer control the dialogue. It is like he has taken over your blog and your life. Keep taking positive steps in that hotel room and regain your voice. Preferably by relocating to a city.
I’d like to tell you to leave, as many others already have, but I know that it’s not that easy. It’s often scary and sometimes dangerous. You are the only one that can decide what you need and when. But you definitely do not deserve violence. If you’d like some support you can call DAIS at 608.251.4445 (Dane County) or Family Advocates at 608.482.0582 (Lafayette County).
Dear Penelope, I have been in similar situations and blamed myself for years for my parent’s divorce. I am Aspergers also, and see similar patterns in my life and yours. Its like some families have to have one person that they blame for the badness in the rest of them. The rest of the family gets to feel good about themselves as long as they dump their guilt on that one person. I think that usually this is the strongest person. Please take inventory of your strengths and get our of your for the sake of your kids and for the sake of us, who care about you, if you cannot yet care about yourself. I have learned a lot about myself from your blog. Please get out of there before the wonderful creation that is you is destroyed. I don’t want to have to miss you. I think what you need to aim at is learing to think about what makes you valuable. I can see it plainly. But you need to do this for yourself, and learn to value yourself. Please. For my sake and others who care about you right now if you can’t care about yourself yet. It involves purposely doing nice things for yourself and deciding what is best for you. This is not being selfish. It is being smart. I have also heard the irony that others cannot value us if we don’t value ourselves. In the case of those of us with Aspergers, we have to work at this. In my case, at least, contstanty.
Ok P. I jumped to the end without reading the rest of the comments after reading your blog post to say this.
I will miss you, if you did not post, when there’s nothing new I find myself wondering whats going on, and that you have a real life to live.
Oiy.
Dear Penelope,
There is nothing more that I can add, except that I understand, and that am with you on your journey as you share it. If you feel like talking, you know how to reach me.
Irv
I am afraid that you will get your wish and be missed…by your boys after your funeral…..
Like many others, I have followed you for years and was concerned that you have been so quiet lately. I constantly quote you in my day-to-day life and in my work presentations. The line I have been reminding myself most lately is when you say “if you aren’t scared about life and your career every once in a while then you aren’t taking risk, you are doing nothing.”
You have been through so much. Even though it is scary you should leave and risk stability for a bit. You know how to do this in your career, now it may be time to apply the same strategy to your home life.
You can do this even though it is scary — you inspire me everyday!
Thousands of people will miss you if your life is taken away from us by domestic violence. Already your life is slipping away from us as the domestic violence in your life is affecting what you do best – which is writing.
I was just starting to search through the blog to find an actual location of the farm so I could contact the authorities when I got to Jo-Jo’s comment. Calling the police is exactly what needs to be done. Enough of this. Press charges, Penelope.
P. It will take a long time, but you’ll have to realize you can be interesting AND happy. (I’ve been reading your posts since 2007 or so.) Right now, you’re just interesting. Make it your life’s purpose to show us all how it can be done. Or, if you decide you just want to be interesting, learn to own up to it–especially to your kids, so they can have a clear perspective on your choices going forward.
Penelope, I am that 71 year old who reads you and loves you. Please look at my FB fan page–Emotional Sobriety. Read the retyping I’m doing from the ACA Red Book. Buy the book. It will change your life. I make nothing from my page and/or the book. But i get to help others who are lost in the roles of his/her childhood.
ya I miss you a lot too when you don’t write. I check in with your blog e-v-e-r-y-s-i-n-g-l-e day and get so sad when there are no posts. i figured it was the holiday craziness.
I grew up on a Wisconsin farm. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with a doctoratal degree. I think I understand a bit about Wisconsin farmers. They are usually a quiet lot who spend a lot of time alone, in nature, or with only the sounds of agriculture around them.
The oft-repeated mantra “There is no excuse for violence” is not really true; it is a great soundbite but an untrue statement.
Anger, and perhaps subsequent violence, is a normal animal response to an invasive action, perceived or real. For example, if you see someone attacking your child, you will react by getting that child out of harm’s way in whatever manner needed; violence from you is often included. Ergo, sometimes there MAY be an excuse for violence.
From your own admission, Penelope, you “talk, talk, talk.” You admit your face-to-face communication is sometimes lacking. If you were constantly talking AT an introverted and quiet individual and not giving him time or space to process what you say, if you back him into a corner insisting he respond or listen or react, he may feel trapped, attacked, and under seige. It may be his reaction to get out of the problematic situation any way he can because he is feeling overwhelmed.
I do not know what your marital relationship is like beyond your descriptions. I have not heard you speak of the farmer hitting you or striking you voluntarily; I have heard descriptions of him trying to GET AWAY from you by pushing or shoving. I am posing an alternative explanation by saying when you trap any creature, it will struggle to defend itself to escape, maybe as the Farmer is doing.
If the Farmer is voluntarily beating or intimidating or enforcing power over you, my explanation is not valid; please ignore it and go on. I just want to provide another way to view your situation. You are an intelligent, gifted, complex individual who is probably not accurately depicted by normal platitudes or stereotypes. Don’t rely on them to solve your problems.
I love how you framed the picture. You say you have no eye for photography, but you really do.
I’m sad to see that you would rather stay with someone so you can be missed instead of taking care of yourself. You are an amazing person that is hard to live with, but doesn’t deserve to be treated violently.
You have the brilliant gift of storytelling and sharing this with other people are also being abused is helping them process their lives. I love that you are sharing this experience.
Please, please, please move out. You need to find someone that appreciates you for all your amazingness as well as your flaws. Every relationship is like a start-up if it’s not the right fit then you have to move on.
This post ought to be titled “The Psychology of Driving Blog Traffic.”
Semi-sexy photo? Check.
Someone’s life in seeming danger? Check.
Obvious villain? Check.
Emotional victim narrative? Check.
A plea for feedback? Check.
I echo the thoughts of other commenters:
Who took the photo? (If it was taken in the hotel room, god forbid by the children or in front of the children, that’s just sick and likely grounds for removal of the children.) Where is the ex-husband in this? (He could get a court order to remove the children from the home.) Where is the brother? (He supposedly said he would help Penelope last time.) What is Penelope’s real financial situation? (I’m guessing it’s not great since she owes a mountain of back taxes, money to various lawyers, etc., AND she has numerous judgments against her from previous landlords and other creditors.)
If this isn’t fiction, I suspect she keeps returning because she can’t AFFORD to live on her own. She needs the Farmer. If it isn’t real, all of who are reading are being used for our mouse clicks, and Penelope is laughing as the traffic yields dollars.
Some things to think about.
Perhaps the person that can satisfy you sexually can NOT satisfy you emotionally.
Perhaps the person you choose to be sexual with can NOT satisfy your needs to have someone to talk to. Different skill sets, sex, talking.
From my strange life, I remember someone who tried both telling me that men are better at sex and women are better emotionally. An oversimplification and perhaps something to think about.
After my appallingly violent childhood, it took about four decades to get to the point that I do not choose men who hit me.
I STILL am not to the point that I don’t choose men who hurt me emotionally.
I have been doing serious and intense therapy for the last five years. I did roughly 30 years of therapy before that to get to the point that I could tolerate the serious and intense therapy.
Get yourself into therapy and WORK at it HONESTLY until your life gets better.
Finally, finally, I am nobody’s victim. And it has taken every scrap of therapy to get me here.
I want freedom from being hurt, physically and emotionally for you. I want you to want that freedom enough to do whatever it takes to get you there.
Since writing helps you, write.
Since you are not getting what you want emotionally by nagging or throwing tantrums at the Farmer, learn what works. I don’t know what will work for you.
I do know that you have made it clear to all of us readers that what you are doing isn’t getting the outcomes you want. Try something else and make notes about what works and what doesn’t work.
Stop doing the things that don’t work.
Do only the things that get you the outcomes you want.
You are a smart woman.
Pay attention.
I send you caring and love and hope.
Please stop going to the poisoned well.
I truly and with all my heart do not want you to commit suicide by getting the Farmer to kill you.
Here’s an angle: Stop being un/happy and start being interesting.
The incompatibility of interesting and happy is one of your very best topics–it’s the most memorable theme I’ve gotten from your blog. Well, guess what? Unhappy can be just as boring/uninteresting as happy. What’s so different between “OMG life on the farm is hellish [photo]” and “OMG life on the farm is idyllic [photo]”? Both work the first time bc they tug on heartstrings, but overuse quickly becomes predictable and then boring to read. Your posting frequency indicates it’s also boring for you to write. Look what you had to do to make this post interesting: pose nude! The oldest trick in the book! Then, once the picture scrolled away, you had to talk about your crappy childhood–nostalgia, another old trick. Sure indicators that you have no new material here, and old tricks don’t work for long. Another indicator that this topic is boring? The comments. “Not your fault! Leave now! Think of the children! Posing nude is [good/bad]!” It can’t be interesting for you to read such platitudes.
The sooner and more decisively you change the situation, the more interesting your blog will become. Start generating TRULY new experiences to write about so you can stop using sex and violence to retain readers. How are you going to make a “well, I went back for more” post interesting? Boob bruises? Blood? Your kids’ blood? Too high a price. You can generate interest more cheaply by making a big break. A nearby hotel is not enough of a break…way too easy to go back. Maybe you already have.
You can start being interesting this very afternoon and have material by tonight. Pick a city to move to for that 30 days. Write the post “How I chose where to live next.” Heck, put it to a vote (I vote Chicago). Actually go to the city and you’ll have a post for that night about your move. After that, the deluge: once you break this situation open and do something interesting, material will be plentiful.
a very, very good friend once said to me just leave, just come (home and away from him) and it will all be okay, you’ll see. and i did not in any way believe her but i was simply too tired of the struggle and so i did as i was told, not because i thought she was right but because i trusted her judgement more than my own. and i so very clearly remember thinking she’s wrong and i will never be happy and she doesn’t know how deep this love is or how special and unique our relationship is. that was 10 years ago and she was right and i 100% credit her with saving my life.
sometimes you have to stop listening to the words you are telling yourself. who is the person that loves you, the person who cares for your soul and would only have you happy and safe and loved? listen to their words instead.
Penelope.
I don’t think leaving is the issue. I think that rationalizing the decision to leave, is the issue. Because you need to talk yourself into it. What I see here is that you are shit scared to call it quits because quitting is viewed as an action of giving something up. Much like smoking and as Allen Carr puts it you don’t quit, you just stop. So the real question you need to analyze is why you think you are quitting anything at all?
Maybe what you really need isn’t someone who will miss you, but someone who simply likes to stay up late and talk to you. Someone who enjoys your nuances and your craziness. Maybe you are just afraid he isn’t out there. And maybe you are wrong about that. It’s a risk. But I know for sure, whatever is on the other side, is better.
Good luck to you. You are stronger than you know.
Going to the hotel was a great idea. Take the time you need to stare at the wall and contemplate things in silence, without fighting or pleading with the Farmer. And please CALL YOUR THERAPIST. See your therapist every day if you have to. If you’re in a hotel, I’m guessing that you’re in Madison and you can.
While your blog audience is here for you in some very real ways – Jo-Jo was smart to call the police – you need in-person, real-life support from a grown up who doesn’t have a personal stake in your decisions. You need comfort, which is where friends like Melissa come in (or perhaps someone who hasn’t lived with the Farmer?), but you also need that adult, professional support.
You did the right thing by going to the hotel. Now gather your support system around you, look at the future, and decide what you need to do to get to the best, most healthy future for you and your boys.
Penelope, leave. Take your kids and leave everything behind. Burn the Farmer out of your life and start new.
Violence is unacceptable in any circumstance.
Move back to NY. I’m a single mom living in SF. I’ve found that there are men out there who have the capacity to love you AND the children you love. Men of character. Men that don’t cheat, lie or hit. Men that respect the challenges of being a single mom and will admire you for it. Your selflessness and your hard work. They do exist. And you know what’s surprising but absolutely delightful? Men like this tend to be equally intelligent and successful. And for good reason, they are men of character.
Plus, you have such a nice bum. You won’t have a hard time attracting many men. Take your time and be selective. The cream is on the top.
Take good care of yourself and the boys. Sending you warmth and love.
Grace
Read “A New Earth” by Eckart Tolle to understand where conflict comes from (internal & external) and how to eliminate it or reduce it significantly in your life.
“That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.”
If you don’t leave you will be missed by all of us and your kids and you won’t be around to feel that. I will not tell you what to do as that is not what you need to hear right now, but just know…you inspire me. I started reading your blog almost 2 years ago. I stumbled across it when I was visiting websites doing research for my son who was diagnosed with Autism over 2 years ago. You give me hope for him to grow up and be able to have a family of his own. Please don’t take that away.
What if your bruise was on your head, rather than your thigh? Or your son, rather than you? Or made with a gun, not a bed post? Think of the possibilities. Then leave.
I’m sorry the Farmer didn’t turn out to be the man you wanted in a partner.
But your kids cannot watch this. You have to think of them. Teach them that they don’t have to put up with abuse and that you will do whatever is necessary to protect them.
Also, is your ex-husband out there? Sir, you need to help the mother of your kids do what’s right for all of them.
Penelope,
You have enough people offering you advice in these comments as it is. I am not going to be one of them. No one in your situation listens to advice anyway. I don’t mean that in a cruel way. I mean it in an I-would-know way.
I’d rather share a little of my own story, anyway.
I didn’t leave when my husband held a gun to my head. I didn’t leave any of the times he threatened to kill me, actually.
Where was I going to go, anyway? I felt so isolated from everyone and everything else. I knew I COULD go back to my parents, but that sounded awful. I couldn’t stand the idea of their judgment and all the advice they would heap upon me. I didn’t want them telling me what I should do and what I needed to do and how much I had damaged my son by staying as long as I did.
I didn’t leave my husband when things got so bad that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to leave, but he said the only way I was leaving was alone- without my son. The only way I was leaving without my son was in a body bag. So I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour with a bottle of anti depressants that weren’t doing their job. I had just filled the prescription. I had three months worth of pills and I laid on the floor counting them, caressing them, and contemplating what it would be like to just not exist anymore.
When I was checked into the mental ward, the nurses tried to get me to “admit” that the bruises on my body were the result of my husband trying to save me from myself. No one wanted to hear the truth. Those bruises came before I was laying of the floor with pills spilled out around my legs. I tried to tell them. But they wouldn’t listen.
I left my husband eventually. I left my husband for my son, not for myself although I truly believed that staying would end in my death eventually. Either by his hand or mine. But I left for my son. Death didn’t sound so bad.
I believed it was all my fault too. For a long time. Sometimes I still think that. I’m not aware of him hitting his second wife. And they were together for twelve years. Maybe I did provoke him. Maybe I made him hit me.
If that is the case, then I suppose we were never compatible. It could never have worked.
The thing I want to give you credit for is admitting you got yourself into this situation. I spent three years in domestic violence support groups after leaving so that my son could have access to the children’s group. In that time I never heard one other woman admit that it was her fault for getting into the relationship or for staying.
Except for me. I stated repeatedly it was my own fault because after the first time he hit me, I stayed. After the first time he threatened to kill me, I stayed.
Everything that happened after that was at least fifty percent my fault. If not for provoking him, then for allowing him to continue.
I haven’t needed to take medication for depression since the day I left. Turns out I wasn’t depressed and I didn’t have bipolar. I was just in a really shitty situation and that can be depressing as fuck.
No one can tell you what to do. And I wouldn’t dare because I have been you. Everytime someone told me what to do I cut them out of my life a little more.
What I will say is that you have my email. If you want to talk I will give you my cell number. And if you want to be left alone to think things out in your hotel room just remember, your cell phone has an off switch. Your computer has one too. Take your time. Look at you your boys’ faces. And figure out what you need to do for them and for you. But think about them first, because you probably love them more than you love yourself. I did.
Please, take your kids and go somewhere far away from the farmer and his farm. It isn’t you; this life isn’t you!!! If it were, you would be happy and there wouldn’t be domestic violence. No matter how quirky and difficult to live with you are. If you were truly happy, you would be easier to live with by default anyway.
You could lose your kids, Penelope. What does their father have to say about all of this? Oh my heart aches for you. From one mother to another. Please, leave the farmer. You are strong. You can do this. I know that you are a good mother and you will chose what is best for them, and ultimately what is best for you, even if it is heartbreaking and hard. Be a role model for them. Do what you know is right. Leave.
I am a NYC transplant living in Madison, too. And 3 years ago I had to go to a hotel, too, with my then toddler.
Do you need someone to physically come to you to walk you through the next few baby steps? Because I will find you a local professional, or, frankly, do it myself. I’ve got the action plan written in my head already. Step One is putting on your fucking big girl panties.
And I say this because I care: if you take those boys back to the farm, I will be the second reader to call the police.
God love you for offering to walk her through the next steps!
Thank you from someone who has come to care about Penelope and those beautiful boys!
Seven years ago, when I was afraid I was going to do something jailworthy in trying to leave my ex-husband, my best friend told me to get on a plane.
I got on a plane. Lived with her for two years. Divorced. Got into some really helpful and serious therapy.
You are the right kind of friend!
Penelope, you call this woman. Let her lead you out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
Penelope: You matter! You matter! And you are loved!
Wow. I have been a fan forever. I have never felt compelled to write, but I feel like I am about to lose a dear friend. I feel like I know you, Penelope. I am fascinated and thrilled by your writing. I loved watching the farmer story unfold. I love the career advice, but I’m a sucker for the real stuff too, which shows your fragility and vulnerability.
I am not sure what to think now. I don’t want to give stupid advice. But knowing that you read everything, I have to say that I would miss you. I have been checking your blog every day this week, and I too thought that you were away. I kept expecting to read a post about homemade pies and making paper snowflakes with the boys, or stringing popcorn and cranberries…
this is the last thing I expected.
That being said, after the last post about the violence, I was torn between thinking that it could be resolved and thinking you should leave. Now I guess you know what to do, and what the right answer is, and I know that you will do it this time. Getting to a hotel was the first sign of you helping yourself. I have deep faith in you, and know that you will not be a statistic. You will be the one you can avoid repeating the past. I am also keenly interested in following this, because I am just now coming to terms with sexual abuse I experienced from a coach in my early teens. It is painful to deal with this now in my 40’s, but I know that I will be better for it, and so will my daughter who is following in my path as a gymnast.
Please, please keep us posted – you are like a lifeline for many of your readers. We care and we want to know what happens. You have the capacity to help many as you write about your journey to move on and heal from this. From one smart woman to another – hang in there.