I'm not sure about the happiness (don't know where it is/don't know how to tell you how to get there) thing but it seems to me if you're interested in stuff you have a better chance of being happy than not. Here's what I have believed FOR A LONG TIME:
You know that song "New York, New York"? I know you do.
"If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere…"

BULLSHIT

There's so much OPPORTUNITY in New York that it's really not such a trick to make it there – the trick is in making it in conservative environs like Wisconsin…or Ohio…or Bumbf*ck, Idaho… If you can make it IN THOSE PLACES you can surely make it in NY. Stop kidding yourself. NOW is the time to be happy. NOW is the time to see what you're made of. NOW is the time to see what you can make out of little. NOW is the time. Not then. Not over there. Not tomorrow. Right NOW. Right where you are.

"I’m not sure I buy that. I want to buy it. Because I have Asperger’s and so do many people in my family, and I want to believe there is fulfillment out there for all of us."

And this is the main question I've been asking you for the past two years, and I still haven't gotten a straight answer. You've written how Asperger's affects your life, your children, your business and what you've done to devise workarounds, but you haven't answered the basic question of whether or not we Aspies can find fulfillment in our lives.

She's also never written about who actually made the diagnosis, and when.

I don't think you need a person with letters after their name to diagnose most learning challenges.

You will have to work hard to convince me that it really matters to anyone about who made the diagnosis and when. It seems irrelevant and petty to question. If she said Dr. Smith and last year how would you ever know – and why would it matter?

The reason why it's important to know who diagnoses Asperger Syndrome is pretty simple. It's a neurological condition, where the brain actually works in different ways than it does for the neurotypical. It often manifests itself in many modes of behaivor, but the underlying cause is physiological, not psychological.

If you know of a psychologist or therapist who can accurately diagnose Asperger Syndrome without the input of neurologists, cognitive scientists, and extensive brain scans, I'd like to know who and report them to the AMA for a paper on their revolutionary diagnostic program. It would be a major breakthrough in neurology and cognitive sciences to be able to acccurately diagnose a physical condition without any physical testing.

I also think it would add to her credibility if she could cite an official diagnosis. Otherwise, she sounds like my friend who decided she had uterine cancer because her periods were irregular.

"but you haven't answered the basic question of whether or not we Aspies can find fulfillment in our lives."

that answer can not be answered by anyone but yourself. can you find fulfillment in your life? are you willing to look for it and more importantly ARE YOU WILLING TO WORK FOR IT?
the only one who can find fulfillment is the one who works for it. you are the only one who knows if you found fulfillment in your life.

"I think I’m over the happiness thing. I think I am thinking that the pursuit of happiness is, well, vacuous. I don’t think people are happy or unhappy. Because I think knowing if we are happy would require knowing the meaning of life, or the ultimate goal, or the key to the world, or something that, which really, we are not going to find outside of blind religious fanaticism."

That's interesting because you're sort of mixing our common usage of happiness with some ancient ideas about happiness going back to Plato.

For Plato/Socrates, it was the pursuit of virtue that was the highest aim of humanity. That is to say, we were to figure out what the meaning of life is, what it is that we as a species are uniquely suited for, and then pursue it.

This distinction and contrast between emotional, hedonistic happiness against a happiness unique to fulfillment of purpose is one of the major arguments of Plato's "Gorgias" dialogue, specifically the argument between Socrates and Callicles.

I think there's a much more interesting (if that's your desire) approach to this question of happiness. Understanding Gorgias might be a good place to start even if it's 2500 years old and won't get you retweeted as much.

Chick, great thoughts, and it proves the theory that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

You are far from being an idot and who cares what people say, I have gotten so much bad feedback from people I think they need a life, or have nothing better to do than put people down for making something of themselves, reaching out sorta speak….interesting? ABSOLUTELY!!!! Whatever life is it is certainly that. THanks. you're a peach

I think you're confusing a (weak) correlation with causation. Why would happiness and being interested in things be mutually exclusive, or even inversely related? As one commenter noted above, if being interested is important to you and fulfills you, wouldn't you say it makes you happy? Happiness may be hard to define, but I disagree that it's different for each person, as another commenter noted above. Different things may bring happiness to different people, but the experience of happiness is likely the same. Happiness isn't just an emotion but a complex state that shifts from moment to moment. Even the Greeks who argued happiness comes from virtuous action still recognized happiness as the end of all our activities.

Rather than focusing so much on nailing down the external conditions that make us most happy (which never remain constant or even under our control) why not focus on cultivating a strong inner life state that remains resilient in the face of all the pain life typically throws at us? Finding pleasure is typically easy, and certainly adds to happiness, but resilience against pain is much harder. And then there's the issue of value creation–hard to be happy if you feel your life isn't meaningful in some way.

Finally, I don't agree that the pursuit of happiness is vacuous. Happiness rarely comes to people who don't work at it. You could even say we're all studies in the use of various strategies to become happy, some far more successful than others.

In any event, this is a big discussion. Looking forward to the opinions of others.

http://happinessinthisworld.com

Interesting premise. But why do "interesting" and "happy" have to be either-ors? Why can't one be truly HAPPY by staying engaged and interested? I am the mother of an Asperger's child and I can tell when she is anxious or angry, and I can tell when she is genuinely content and dare-I-say HAPPY. Most often she is visably beyond content and merely satisfied when she is allowed to pursue one of her special interests / pssions, learn more about things that fascinate her, control her own fate – if only in small, age appropriate chunks ( she is 8. ) What I want for her,for her future is the ability to somehow have BOTh happiness and interest. I don't think one is possible for her without the other. Perhaps, this is true for us all – it is just that for some, they are interested in fewer things and do not crave new experience or choice in the same way as others…

There is something to this. As an Asperger's adult who has struggled with the depression of being an alien on this planet for 40 years, I have to say that there is a measure of true contentment and happiness in being completely engrossed in my current obsession/passion. The ideas of happiness and contentment in my interests are interchangeable for me. So operating on the theory that we all must pursue our own ideas of happy and considering that we are all very different people on this little planet, and that we will all have very different ideas about what that happy is, there begins the problem. Thus fueling the argument about what "happiness" truly means. It seems that intrinsically it's different for everyone. However, if we follow the idea that there may be some general, if not generic form of "happiness"…ah now we know why there are things like amusement parks and strip clubs and movie theaters and children. These things offer glimpses of that "happiness" for a moment and as humans, we are truly satisfied with that.
We cannot, as people, separate satisfaction from our happiness. We cannot, as people on the spectrum, separate our interests/obsessions/passions from happiness. Because in reality, that's what makes us happy.

And that's also Alexithymia

I may not have raised a kid in NYC, but I was raised by a single mother in NYC, and she made a tiny fraction of what you say made you feel like you were living on the edge of poverty. So, don't discount people who tell you you're crazy. You are crazy if you think that $200,000 a year in NYC, even with children, is at poverty level. Maybe you should revisit the official definition of "poverty"…

Break it down for Anna, Penelope. It would be interesting to see where all the money goes.

Anna…you beat me to it! I too was raised by a single mother in NYC, she was a nanny who earned <20G annually so I'm pretty sure that we were poor. We lived in a basement apt. and I attended public school. My mom made sure that I capitalized on what the city had to offer via school trips and other organizations that offered activities. I think my childhood relationship with NYC helped shape a large part of my adulthood and I honestly don't feel that I missed out on that much even though we were dirt poor. So my rebuttal to PT based on my individual experience: there are parents who can and DO raise children on <200K annually and those children lead rich and rewarding lives.

From what I've seen, it should be pretty much impossible to raise a family on less than $20,000 a year in NYC. Hell, raising a family on that much is tough enough in Detroit. I'm just curious as to which borough you lived in.

My favorite piece of wisdom on this subject: “All we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” (Charles Kingsley in the 19th century).

Recently I've come to believe that one of the secrets to being happy is to be more open-minded about what you find interesting. There are interesting things in even the most mundane life, if you squint just right. Your interactions with other people, for example. (Yes, I know Asperger's puts a different cast on that issue; I don't know that I have it, but I definitely identify with its traits.)

And by the way, in Madison and much of the rest of the country, you have access to nature and the outdoors in a way that NYC can't touch.

You know the first thing people ask you when they haven't seen you for a while or just if they're your family is "Are you happy?". I never know how to answer that. Is being happy really the most important thing? Do I have moments of happiness? No one is happy all the time right? I'm usually interested in what I'm doing, sometimes that makes me happy and sometimes it sucks. Maybe a better question is "Are you fulfilled?" Or "Are you enjoying your life?" Happiness is too relative and momentary.

People ask you if you're happy? They ask me how I've been. Is that what they mean?

Although I love this topic I have to say… the fact that all of us have the time to contemplate what makes us happy? Would we rather be interested in our lives than happy? Are these actually different things… is just well (other than a fun topic of conversation) over-indulgent? That's not the right word (it's a bit harsh) but I can't think of a better one right now.

My point is sometimes we need to just slow down, remind ourselves all we can ever know for certain is we have today/this moment and it would behoove everyone to just live in the moment as best we can and try and learn to compartmentalize our overanalyzing.

I've never actually commented before, but this topic has been on my mind lately. Here's my stance on happiness and choices:

For as long as I can remember, everyone in my life has been telling me that I am wonderful and that I can do and accomplish absolutely anything I want in life. (Gen Y, sound familiar?). And it just so happens that most things I've ever tried in life, from music to sports, friendships to relationships, writing and languages to sciences and math, have all been successful.

So one of the hardest things for me is being in a situation where you have too many possible choices, and way too many interests. Because what that means is that so far in life (and I'm only 24), I've spent way too much time deciding and analyzing whether the choices I've made are better or worse that all the other possible choices I could have made up to this point. Or, what life would be like if I had made different choices. This applies to where I live vs. where I could have lived, what career field I'm in versus all the things I could have done that would have either given me more money, more prestige, more of a challenge, more travel, etc. It's even applied to my decision to get married young versus being single and having more freedom to change my course whenever I want.

But one of the hardest things about feeling that way, is that whenever I've thought about going a different direction in my life, I stop. Because there are still too many choices and still too many things I'm interested in out there, and I can never decide what to do next or what to change. This drives me absolutely crazy, because I end up not changing anything because I can't make up my mind.

So I think having endless choices can create this vicious cycle of unhappiness because it leaves you feeling lost and confused about your purpose in life.

You must be a Libra

Actually, this is a common Gen Y disease. I'm a Gemini and I feel this way too, all the time.

I'm a Gen Y (Cancer) with the exact same issue. My family spends their lives labeling me indecisive. If only they could understand that it's the worry of a lost opportunity rather than the fear of decision making!

Carissa,
I think your comment gets right at the root of why so many people are unhappy. We live in a goal-obsessed culture where "picking your passion" and living a narrowly defined life (doing one thing, in one place) is exalted as the only path to happiness, while at the same time we're presented with an endless menu of choices. It's enough to drive anyone mad, no wonder we're indecisive!

The truth is that there are far fewer people who are suited for "just one thing" (and happy about it – just ask Tiger Woods or Andre Agassi) than there are people who could be happy in any number of situations. The trick is not to see your current situation as a life or death decision, but to allow yourself to experiment, try different things, enjoy them, and move on when they don't fulfill you anymore.

And P – why is Madison a life sentence? Surely you're successful enough to go stay in NY with your kids when you feel the urge, share with them all you love about it, then come back to Madison for the peace and quiet you crave? You simply need a little of both.

Carisa, you may be only 24 but your comment is very honest, descriptive, and not tainted by age "experience", or "philosophy". I say this because I am forty-five years old, and even though I've read some wonderful comments in this most interesting discussion, your words describe almost to a tee what I've been feeling/experiencing for years.Your comment generated several responses because you touched on something that will help people take a closer look at ourselves and offers the comfort of knowing that there are other people experiencing this peculiar form of alienation. I wish that I could offer a solution, but alas, I'm just a searcher like yourself. Keep your head up, try to stay positive, and just LIVE!

Penelope, you don't like being called a snob. That is what your "eyebrows in Wisconsin" rant is about. The thing is, you are not wrong, that NYC or any other big city usually offers more choices than any place in Wisconsin. The problem is that you depreciate the choices offered in WI, insisting that you don't have the patience for people who call you a snob – in other words the ones who can't afford to fly to LA to get their eyebrows waxed. The Midwest is not a fashion-conscious as the coastal cities; but that doesn't mean fashion isn't available.

To that point, in your Sept 29 '09 post, you mentioned Sarah, who helps you shop – incidentally while utilizing shopbop, which is "actually based in Wisc. so you could even go to the store and clearly nordstrom and american apparel are everywhere."

I moved from Minneapolis to a huge metropolitan area in Southern California months ago, and I have yet to find a decent (clean, with an extensive collection) used bookstore in the entire city. And I've looked. In Mpls, there were two within five minutes walking distance. More choice does not guarantee quality.

People also live in big Midwest cities because (yes, it's easier, but also) they think that they can get something as high quality as in NYC or LA, but at a much lower cost.

**You should've moved to Minneapolis instead of Madison.**

"New Yorkers love that they can get the best of everything – they want that more than they want to be happy. And if you can’t understand this you merely reveal how little you know about the world."

It's not that they can get the best of everything. It's that they think you can *only* get the best of everything in NYC.

But I guess if you are determined to believe that this is my ignorant rube-ness talking, then so be it.

I totally agree with Amanda about the tendency to depreciate the choices offered in a place with less choices. I do it too–all the restaurants in my small Texas town are assumed to be not that great until proven otherwise, but I didn't have that attitude about trying restaurants in New York.

The other side of that "best of everything" coin: yes, New Yorkers have their choice of many really amazing things–food, fashion, art, etc. But first of all, once you've lived there a while, how often do you really take advantage of it? I love the opera, but I think I went one time in the last two years I lived in NYC. You just get too tired from working all the time, knowing you have to take public transportation, etc.

Second, it gets a bit overwhelming after a while. Even when I'd want to go to a museum or something, I'd look at the three full pages of museums in Time Out New York and then have to decide which one was the *best* one, the *most important* one for me to see, which wore me right out.

Minneapolis is MUCH 'better' than Madison. But Madison is just as beautiful :)

Are you in LA? THere's a good used bookstore in Pasadena.

I live in NJ…a 20 minute train ride into NYC. I also spent 2 weeks in Minneapolis a year ago. Granted, I was staying at the Hilton, and had the benefit of the walkways to make it the best commute ever, but nothing is like New York City. I think Penelope does not fit there. She is lucky Madison puts up with her.

Again, if something of so little consequence causes you so much anxiety, is it any surprise that you find happiness elusive?

I'm still looking for the right eyebrow person in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Took me 6 months already. I'm frantic by now. There's only one eyebrow place, and that is NYC.
If you have to raise your eyebrows at something or someone at least let them look good while you're at it.

Happiness is not a place. It's a state of mind, It's when and where you feel you belong and it's almost certainly not a perpetual thing but more an overall feeling and pretty much almost always with 20/20 hindsight.

* Only 200.000 and scrambling? Twice that and it can still be a struggle. And only Manhattan based parents can relate to that.

you are funny. i am going to find some photos to compare! then i need to find an eyebrow person. and in chicago, contrary to popular opinion, there are no Anastasia's to be found

Again, what do we mean by happiness? I feel happy right now. I am on my sofa. Music is playing on my computer. I had carnitas for lunch. But is my every dream fulfilled? Hardly. Am I still happy? Absolutely. Is that what you mean by happy? The actual sensation of an actual person at an actual moment in time?

Dan Ariely makes similar points in his research, and I know you've written blogs on him before – I bring him up to ask whether it might be irrational to value an abundance of choices over a predictably comfortable existence.

Penelope,
I'm sad. I posted a comment and don't see it here. Did it get caught in your spam filter?

Alex

I find Penelope's position on Asperger's generally too negative, though not different from the conventional medical line, but that doesn't mean there is no defensiveness or exaggeration in the Aspergers community- we're all people, mostly flawed, IMO!

But the idea that there is *no* fulfilment for Aspergers people seems both pointless and self-fulfilling. It makes a lot more sense to assume that all people with disabilities, and all people who are neurologically atypical, and all people who are considered physically perfect (not sure who that would be, but back to the point…)CAN find fulfilment, in the sense of living their best possible lives, even though most of us need at least half a lifetime just to figure out the beginning part of how to do that, surely.

It's not easy to measure fulfilment till you have it- I'm 42 and can honestly say there are one or two areas of my life where I genuinely feel completely fulfilled. For now. And one or two others where I don't. But I think there are principles for how to achieve it: be honest with yourself, strive to improve, forget trying to conform to social convention, forget trying to fit into generalisations (without being an egomaniac obviously), live what you believe, etc. Anyone can do those. Living a good life is fulfilling.

I didn't read the other comments so forgive me if I am repetitive. "May you live in interesting times" is an old Chinese curse. I think you are right that seeking out an interesting life is in many ways in direct opposition to a happy life. But I don't really think people that choose easy or complacent are really happy. Many people derive happiness from conquering challenges. If it weren't for the challenges and risk, they'd be bored and unhappy.

1. Tyler Cowen makes a science- and ethics-based point of not segregating Asperger's from autism. In case anyone is interested.

2. Reducing the possibilities for human neurological variation to either a "deficit" or a "merely a difference" is missing the point. Differences, including the differences between autistic and nonautistic cognitive phenotypes, can be profound without being pathological.

3. Sharing information in areas of interest, at least when this is done between or among autistics, is a very social thing. I don't see how reducing the possibilities to either/or in this area (you interact with information or you interact with others) is useful or accurate. Or that's my view, and experience.

I usually ignore all this "happiness" talk because I used to believe you were happy if strived to be happy. If being constantly interested in things that happen around you makes you happy, then why try and separate it from the term happiness? The topic of happiness is so huge and it is different for so many people. I don't know HOW people are able to break it down. I've thinking about happiness lately also. Tell me what you think: http://fromtheresa.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-best-friend-found-his-hero-this.html

I'm inclined to agree with Tyler. If you feel fulfilled by leading an interesting, choice-filled life, then you will be a happier person if you lead that kind of a life.

With regards to where a person lives (and I haven't been to the US, never mind lived in either NYC or Wisconsin), what about the people who (like me) move to a foreign country, something that is very interesting and involves loads of other choices (such as how native you'll actually go, etc), but do so to lead happier lives?

I think happiness is like a cat. The more you focus on it, the less likely it is to come to you.

So IMO, good call to focus instead on an interesting life. Then you might find that happiness and interestingness can indeed co-exist.

I want to be happy, dammit. All happiness/all the time. I'd give up my perfect eyebrows in exchange for happiness anyday.

I'm just waiting for everyone out there in the ether to figure out The Secret Of Happiness (and then let me in on it) ….

I don't get why you have to separate happiness from interesting. You seem to be going around in circles with that Penelope. It seems to me as if you see happiness as settling for something less than perfect and interesting as looking for the next best thing (and maybe never finding it). You won't feel happy very often or even notice when you are if you are always looking for something better. Satisficer versus Maximizer?

This is valid. As Asperger's people we see what other people call happy and it's not exactly what we think is happy. So, we spend our lives observing others, doing what they do, pretending to fit in, however, we never quite get it exactly right. So, I think this leads us into a land of confusion. We look at others and their "happy buttons" and wonder how to make our "happy buttons" perform the same function. For us interesting does equal happiness. Not always so for others.

You're a little misinformed about positive psychology–rather than pursuing "the happy life," pursue "the good life," which is about engagement and flow.

Positive Psychology founder Martin Seligman's TED video–start at 11:30.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html

As one of my professors put it: I don't want to be happy in life.

I want to experience what it means to be human, and that involves a whole range of emotions aside from happiness. A purely happy life is a boring one (imagine watching The Notebook every time you see a movie) because sadness, anger, etc., play just as vital a part of being human as happiness. Maybe this seems so intuitive to me because I am in the interesting life camp.

You are crazy for thinking that you could raise kids in NYC for $200,000 a year.

The more realistic figure would be $275-300k a year. You might have had a decent quality of life in the city on $200k ten years ago, but unless you really like ramen noodles (and you'd pay $1.79 for them where the rest of us pay $0.49), you're not raising the next generation of Manhattanites unless you have an aunty die on the lower east side and you can get the rent controlled walk up, fuhgettaboutit! It's called inflation!!

I also heard it this way: $200k is the new $100k.

Happy? Unless you can define it in more concrete terms than:

: enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment
: characterized by a dazed irresponsible state

what's the use in trying to be that?

Interested:
1 : having the attention engaged
2 : being affected or involved

That sounds more like what life's supposed to be. If you are interested in the things and people around you, you probably aren't going to have the time to worry about being "happy". Whatever that is.

This little crisis is probably your fault for not taking your own advice. You probably just need to get <a href="http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/03/how-much-money-do-you-need-to-be-happy-hint-your-sex-life-matters-more/"title="laid" more.

Infovore, what a great word. So that's what I am.

Happy times are like butterflies flitting by. You enjoy them when you can, and when they are in season.

There's a universe in an atom – if I have passion for that universe and explore it to my greatest capacity, I'm happy.

If your passion is being controversial/interesting/interested, including marginalizing happiness and happy people, more power to you. I just hope your readers recognize that pondering questions like "the meaning of life" and "the nature of happiness" is reminiscent of freshman philosophy classes. It's first rate mental masterbation – it's fun (for the interested and interesting) but doesn't really amount to much. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for masterbation (mental and otherwise), but I also don't expect to find happiness or life's meaning in it – so don't be disappointed that it didn't fulfill your happiness quest.

As an aside, the NY (enter any big city in the world) has more/better than Madison/Wisconsin (enter any rural/small city/state in the world) is a cliched and specious discussion (although always good for a rise out of some). Cliched because it's usually made by the aristocratic sect and is based on values/culture (the use of eyebrow maintenance and shopping as comparative standards is telling) reserved for the privileged few. Specious because it shows a complete lack of understanding and appreciation of values and passions other than your own. Opportunities/choices are infinite if you find your atom of passion. It's unfortunate you can't appreciate that atom exists in NY and Wisconsin. Different elements, but a universe just the same…

Thanks for being interesting. Odd, I'm craving a cigarette.

I think you're having a [mid-life, or maybe just general] crisis and are busy justifying the things you think are crappy in your life to make yourself feel better.

A mid-life crisis. That's an interesting proposition. Can one get stuck in those for years? I think I am. ;)

The first thing I read about happiness research was that six months after a severe disability, people's happiness returned to their normal range. Since I'm disabled, this struck me as interesting. However, it also struck me that here you have a measure ("happiness") that can't distinguish between healthy and severely disabled. No one would pick a severe disability, yet using happiness as a measure, it shouldn't matter.

My opinion of happiness as a goal, and of happiness research, didn't get any better after that.

I've wasted a lot of time in my life, chasing one dream after another. What gripes me isn't that wasted time, it's the times I spent doing nothing, and the times I gave up on projects. Yet I was trying for happiness when I gave up on hard projects, or just enjoyed myself. So I also tend to think happiness is a very short-term measure.

From what I've read of your blog, you are never going to be the kind of happy (i.e. contented) that you want. That kind of midwestern simple-life happiness does not go with the restlessness and ambition that you definitely have. You can't both be content and constantly looking for ways to improve.

I also think you are fairly status conscious — both in wanting to lead an ambitious life, and in wanting to compare yourself to other ambitious, interesting people. That's also incompatible with contentment.

Finally, although people with Asperger's don't want to call themselves disabled, take it from a disabled person (wheelchair), you are. Your list of problems, from innumeracy to social blindness of various types, is formidable. I'd rather deal with many of my physical problems than any of your mental ones. So you are functioning at a very high level despite severe handicaps. Give yourself some credit!

isn't life about balance? if you think of happiness as a high and you keep chasing that fix won't that move your satisfaction threshold ever upwards? not that people shouldn't strive for happiness but maybe having those high highs could also yield low lows. some are quite happy to take an emotional rollercoaster ride through life whereas others might prefer things to be relatively basic. ultimately it could all depend on individual preference and deciding on what standards to gauge oneself in comparison to peers or society, if at all.

Your move to Madison was specifically about finding happiness. Now you conclude that it's Hicksville. You know every statistic about happiness, but you still don't get it. Because great shopping and perfect eyebrows are in your happiness equation. What you call "complacent" others call "contentment" or "acceptance". It's internal. Where you live is irrelevant.

Amen. It has occurred to me more than once reading the various posts about happiness in this blog that if a person is unable to find a hairstylist that meets their standards in a city of 230,000 people, is it any surprise that they have trouble being happy?

As a couple of other commenters have mentioned, I'd argue that there's a big difference between "complacent" and "contented." But I'll agree with you that to a large degree, for someone all of whose basic needs are accounted for, being happy is a decision that you make, not something that happens to you.

People want an "interesting" life because they think that will make them happy. If I am more interesting and have lots of cool experiences, people will like me more and I'll be happy about that. I think that is the logic behind it. I do believe all people (all living things, really) just want to be happy, or at least content and not unhappy or suffering. The quickest way to be happy is to help other people be happy and stop focusing on your self. That's about all there is to it!

The rambling post nicely conveyed you are lost, looking for direction and meaning in life.

Happiness is not equal to complacency and acceptance of what you have. It's a state of mind. I do believe that people are not happy or unhappy: they choose what they want to be.

Why does NY look more interesting? All its opportunities are a perfect fit with our innate human desire for freedom. Having the possibility to make all those choices is highly valued by many.

The last thing I'd have expect on this blog is navel-gazing. But there is is. Back in the 1960s I read a book by A. Alvarez called The Savage God: A Study of Suicide. Its last chapter was a description of Alvarez' own "failed" effort on Christmas night 1960. He came around to the idea that many of us buy into the Hollywood vision of happy all the time, and that the pursuit of happiness itself is an invitation to disillusionment or worse. Finally he suggested that letting go of wondering whether one is happy is the beginning of true happiness, nonconceptual happiness, life on life's terms.

I never thought about it this way, so thanks for the post. I think you have a point here about choices and interesting and that interesting often means more challenging and therefore not easy/happy all the time.

"This makes me think that people put a higher premium on choices, because choices make life more interesting."

I'd like to see what my friends think about this idea. I think I'll write about it on my blog and link back to you.

Happiness seems to be a bit like a skittish cat, in that the more you chase it the more it hides. I've found it works a lot better to do things I'm interested in, everything from knitting to talking with my boyfriend to strategizing on how to make a meaningful contribution to human culture. Then the cat can and does come curl up in my lap.

There are more than a few levels of happiness. One is a sensory thing, felt after you've been in a good flow state for a while, engaging yourself on all cylinders and feeling the power that's inherent in your own mind and body. Then there's what I guess you are calling fulfillment, which is a broader sense of being pleased with where you are in life. Broad strokes, you are growing and contributing and you feel good about it.

Couldn't agree more with theWiz and other commenters above that happiness itself is not and really can't be the goal — happiness is a by-product of creating the life you want and contributing the way you think is most meaningful. There's been such a focus in the blogosphere about pursuing happiness and getting happier and it strikes me as pretty ego-centric and self-absorbed. Really, in the grand scheme of things, how important my happiness? Far more important is the contribution I choose to make with my limited time in this body.

What about focusing on excitement vs. happiness? Or excitement instead of happiness. Some people say that they are synonymes. If you are excited about life, you are happy. Do you think being interessed in things and being excited (about things) correlate? Maybe they are the same thing?

Words that should never be allowed in an interesting world: nice, good, fine.

I've always maintained there are two types of people in this world: those that ask why, and of course those that don't. Those who accept are happy, those that aren't are in the pursuit of happiness.

I'm with you Penelope, interesting trumps happy every time.

-Billy

I love the feeling of processing lots of information (frequently over the internet), sometimes to my detriment of socializing with other people. I think knowing a lot and learning a lot make me happy. But I don't think I have Asperger's.

In my graduate research on positive psychology, I've looked at the quest for happiness closely. I don't think there is a choice between seeking an interesting vs. happy life. I believe one begets the other.

People who report having interesting lives have higher level of engagement and flow. The more often we are completely focused on our work to the point where time stops (flow), the happier we are.

Highly engaged and interested people are considered "autotelic", and are typically measured as far happier than non-autotelic individuals. I would bet that this is the camp you fall in. My advice to you is to accept your info-hoarding as part of what makes you feel fulfilled and seek out like-minded people.

Don't fight it.. It's actually a good thing.

I was thinking about just this thing last night when I couldn't sleep – but then I think about it all the time. How do we make a meaningful life so we want to get out of bed in the morning? What allows us to feel we are really alive? That's what people want – and to be loved, to feel loved. In my own life, I have to balance my desire to create an interesting life with being an hungry ghost: always on the look out for the new and better rather than enjoying what's here. It's a tricky balance. In general though, happiness as a word has always made me do the head tilting "Huh?" thing as in "Why would I work for that? Rather work for being alive, engaged, entranced curious. Thanks for another truly interesting post.

Penelope,

I think you have a fascinating blog, but honestly can you please quit the New York hate. I get it. You hated your time there. Move on!! I lived in Boston and hated it for the time I lived there, but I unless I am asked directly I don't offer up my opinion about the place. Sometimes I think it takes away from your blog and your ability to convey your ideas. I have not read the comments to this post, nor will I read the comments that come after this one, but I just wanted to say that. Good luck to you, and may you find peace about your past.

Penelope — I disagree with so much you said here! First, I believe that happiness does exist. It is a feeling of contentment or fulfillment. It does not mean that you are no longer interesting (or interested), but I think as Tyler says fulfilled. You say that people who value choices never defend their choices, that's not true. You are defending your choices here and you say that you value choices/opportunties over happiness. The reason you perceive that people who are happy have to defend their lifestyle is because they are being attacked by people (like you!) who are attacking their decision to be happy. People who are unhappy/unfulfilled are often trying to make others unhappy. Even when you are happy, it doesn't mean that life is without challenges & frustrations, but it does mean that you are better able to weather those challenges & frustrations because at the core of your life you know you have good things happening. You sound very unhappy to me, and yet you seem to crave happiness and fulfillment. I wish you luk in finding whatever it is you are looking for to have a happy & fulfilling life. And just because you're happy doesn't mean that you're not interesting.

I think that "acting" like you are happy is a way to make others like you and simply getting along with others can make your life easier in a way. My grandmother, who grew up in the Depression, shared this verse she learned from her mother: "It's easy to be happy when life rolls along like a song. But it's the girl who's worthwhile who will smile when everything goes wrong."

Be careful with this one. I'm just starting to realize all the damage I've done acting like I'm happy when I'm not.

I love your definition of an interesting life. Being interesting to other people is exactly the sort of behavior society places a premium on yet those of us with Aspergers have so much difficulty with. An interested fulfilled through information consumption appeals very much to me! But then I'm an engineer so maybe I'm biased :-).

Hmm, I think you always succeed in being interesting. Speaking of which, I think you have a very interesting point. I've read Seligman and I've read "The Paradox of Choice" and I've read a bit of everything. Because I was struggling with my own depression. Happiness is a state of mind. It comes from the bigger picture questions, of doing the big things that satisfy you on a very core level. So says the woman who's unemployed, separated, and poor but is very happy to be home in NYC again with friends and family after 10 years of following her ex around and is in school and pursuing job opps to do exactly what she has wanted to do since 2001. Go figure.

I grew up here in WI, but moved to Lake of the Ozarks, MO for 3 years-but now I'm back. I left everything here…my good job, my family, my friends which was also considered my 'support group'. I LOVED it in Missouri…after moving back I was devestated for quite some time. Like Penelope was saying: people that have lived in WI all their life are so content here, but they have no idea what they are missing out on. No one here (even though they are so close to me) do not understand why I loved it there so much more. All of my family on my mom and dad's side all live within a 15 mile radius of each other and they all just love it. Me on the other hand, I could care less. They want nothing more than their family close by, which isn't a bad thing-but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder what else is out there….I have to be happier and able to succeed some place else? I'm torn, I would love to move back-but it is my 2-year old daughter that keeps me here. If I took her away from my family, I swear they would never forgive me. Back to the topic: there are so many more choices when you go elsewhere…WI in my opinion is mediocre and at ease here and really have no reason to "try something new". Me….I'm all about it!!!

I am late in the comments, hoping someone actually ("hi, Penelope!") reads this far…but I feel a little better knowing that so many others find it hard to put a finger on "happy". There are only so many things we can focus on at one time…so I liked best the comment that we should live in the present and try to stop overanalyzing.

I doubt that I have ever been happy. I remember writing suicidal notes to myself (throwing them out after writing) even as a young child (age 10?). I have also dealt with a tragedy of sorts and more stuff that's personal. We 'sufferers' are not ill, just challenged more than the cheesemakers, I believe.

Penelope, you are strong! YOU ROCK!

I happened to read this post while listening to Gordon Lightfoot singing "Seven Islands Suite." Holy cow!
Lightfoot, of course, was saying the exact opposite of what you wrote.
After putting up with the shark tank that was the big city (in California), I moved to Montana in 1991. I'll never go back. Every time I go down there to visit or attend a family funeral it's worse.
I agree with several posters who have noticed that you seem to think of happiness as bovine contentment. Some of us have to be challenged to be happy. I love puzzling out a layer of Eocene volcanic rock or figuring out the geochemistry of a lake. It's hard work, and it's fun!
Sure, I miss things like Indian or Ukrainian food, but Calgary is an easy day's drive away. Once a year is enough. (And my wife and I are learning to cook Indian anyway — and having fun doing it.)

I agree that choosing to be happy or choosing to be interested can sometimes be different choices, though I think some people need to be interested to be happy.

I strive for balance. I am happiest when I don't have major emotional drama in my life but I am also interested and engaged in the world around me.

I think you can have both a happy AND an interesting life, depending on what it takes to keep you interested. If you find misery inherently interesting and everything else is boring by contrast, then you probably can't have both. If you find fulfilling relationships and meaningful work interesting then you probably can.

In the same way that happiness is something a person can only gauge for themselves, so too is the "interestingness" of your life. You don't need external validation of whether your life is interesting, what matters is whether it's interesting to YOU.

First of all, everyone keeps harping on the eyebrows and the shopping — something tells me those people live in the Midwest. Also, having lived in Illinois my whole life and then moving to DC, I can wholeheartedly agree that interesting beats complacency any day. And although the contentment of many Midwestern towns is great for some people, that is not for me and I have no desire to live there again. I'd rather live somewhere with more choices.

What if you have a highly interesting job but a tyrant of a boss?

As a psychiatrist and fellow human I love existential issues such as happiness. I wanted to mention that I believe too often people make the mistake of believing it's something to arrive at, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if you just get all your ducks in a row. Really, though, I strongly believe it's somewhat related to circumstances, but mostly I believe that happiness is a way of being and not a destination. You choose to be happy or not. It's not easy, and I struggle with it, too, but I've even seen prisoners who've found ways to be happy and at peace despite their circumstances.

Penelope, I'm from Brazil, living in NYC, and I just
wanted to comment on something you said here in the comments that made me think:

"Customs are different in different cities. In NYC I ate out nearly every meal. That's what you do in NYC."

Well, I've moved around a lot, and never changed my habits because of it. I wonder if it has anything to do with being happy? (I was miserable during my adolescence, but I'd say I've been extremely happy since then). I currently live in Long Island City, one stop from Grand Central in NYC, which is my stop for work on 5th Ave. I go home to eat most days. Usually I cook rice and beans in advance, and freeze them, and then cook some side dishes to have with it for lunch when I come home during the lunch break. This is the same thing I did in Brazil, North Carolina, and other places I lived. See, I never change my habits or preferences to adapt to where I live. Who cares what other New Yorkers do? I do my own thing.

In the end, I think happiness is about keeping true to yourself, figuring out what fulfills you on a day-to-day basis, and finding things that are interesting to you. I have been married for 17 years, and my husband and I have a lot in common and support each other's search for fulfillment — I think this is the root cause of my being so happy all the time.

Maybe this story will give you some ideas to try out to make your life more interesting and happy. Brazilians are notably happy (even the poorest ones), and perhaps you can learn something from us ;-).

Obsessing about happiness, like obsessing about anything, is going to make you crazy, and not happy. However, I find this post odd after you just wrote a great post on happiness days earlier. Actually I went out and bought the book you recommended and find it quite good. Maybe take a break from obsessing about it, and happiness will come back to you.

Maybe I am a cynic, but I don't understand what makes people think they are entitled to a happy life. We're born, we live, we die. That's it. What does a happy life even mean? I would guess that you have no clue, and I'll tell you for sure you won't figure it out by looking at what makes other people appear to be happy or by studying research about happiness. So if you don't know what happiness really is, how are you ever supposed to obtain it?

When I read this post, my understanding is that you wish you could be in New York and live the fast paced life and have the fast paced career and gain wealth or knowledge or respect or experience or colleagues or perhaps all of the above. But since you have kids, you don't feel you can have that life and provide for them at the same time, so you sacrificed that and moved to the sticks, and it bothers you to the point where you feel you are not happy. That's reasonable and I'm sure it happens to a lot of people.

My recommendation to you is cliche, but you need to evaluate what you want out of your life. Assuming that you have 30 to 40 years left (which really isn't a lot of time if you think about it), think hard about what you'd like to accomplish in that time, and write out a list of all of the important things you'd like to get done before you die. Forget about happiness because it's an elusive, poorly defined notion, and just focus on living your life to accomplish those concrete things that you wrote out. I don't know you personally, but my feeling is that you are the kind of person who would probably find "happiness" in spending your life striving for and achieving these milestones.

"We're born, we live, we die. That's it. What does a happy life even mean?"

For you it seems to mean completing items on a checklist. Don't listen to him, Penelope! You don't have to sit down and make a list of everything you want to do during the next 30-40 years and then feel obligated to do them all. You have 30-40 years to just … live, and do whatever the hell you feel like doing at the time.

Yes we're born, and we live. And it's such an amazing stroke of luck! That your parents existed, and met, and on that particular day, out of those millions of sperm, the one that turned into half of you met that one out of hundreds of eggs that just happened to be released that month and became the other half of you. It might never have happened, yet it did. So who cares if we die someday? This is more than made up for by the giant stroke of brilliant luck that we even get to exist at all. Dying seems like a small price to pay for the privilege of existing. What's your alternative? Never existing in the first place? You drew the winning ticket, so while you're here, why not just enjoy it?

My point here was that I don't think Penelope is the type of person who can just revel in the joy of existence. I believe, perhaps incorrectly, that she is too driven for her own good. You are probably too much of a romantic to believe it, but some people do actually find happiness this seemingly methodical way of living life. Everybody is different.

There's a new reality show coming out – somethin' about living out the things you want to do before you die. 6 Gen-Yers it looks like on a bus traveling around the country livin' out a bucket list for themselves and others. We'll see what happens. I think this exercise is wasted on the young – better to have put some Boomers on the bus to point the way…
;)

"I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices."

Hi Penelope,

I like reading your blog. You know, why? Because I find your posts "interesting" – thought provoking – and when I read something interesting, I feel good.

When I feel good, there must be something beyond, I mean, feeling good 'for what?' What's that making me feel good? I feel "happy" reading your blog!

So choosing a life that's interesting to us, is, actually, the life that makes us happy.

doing and not thinking- being in the flow or the zone- i think that this is something we can all strive to do for at least a few minutes per day. maybe a whole career won't be 'in the zone' each minute. but exercise and hobbies- 20 minutes a day- or 3 days a week– maybe that's what fulfillment is. hobbies and the stuff that makes you feel like you're making progress and feeling interested in something. just DOING these things that feel good and aren't the whole meaning of life. i agree with your post completely. people looking for happiness are going at the whole problem from the wrong angle! it seems like you worry about Asperger's complicating it- but i feel like most americans have that lack of connection and emotion- or the disconnect- and since you work so fucking hard every day to conquer all of these issues– if anyone can reach their goals and attain their goals: it's you! have you read the book "flow" by that russian guy? love, truen

So much I could say, but I want to focus on your happiness theme as it relates to Wisconsin.

I'm 45, I've lived here my entire life (except the 4 years I attended school out East). I am also fortunate enough to travel extensively. You are correct, there is no "best" here except as a place to live and raise children. I have eaten in the best restaurants, they aren't here. I have done some incredible shopping, it was not here.

Don't get me wrong I LOVE living in Wisconsin for one very simple reason it is here that I learned the secret to living a real authentic and sustainable life.

Perhaps that approach to life has not made me happy but it has cleared my head and opened my mind to options and opportunities I never thought existed for me.

That's my 2 cents for what it's worth ;)

Jim

"I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices."
I have to be really into what I do and really love who I love. By the way – I come from Cheeseland-born and bred and never lived anywhere else. [that could change for money or opportunity. I _have_ seen the great big world out there!] We're not all the same.

An aside-A lot of New Yorkers never give up on being New Yorkers. That would be OK-if you decided you love New York and gotta get to that place permanently or a lot. Some things are not understood. They just _are_.

"Tyler says that people who are infovores feel fulfilled by processing information. …But it scares me that this also seems true for me. …I want to be as complacent as the people I live with, in Wisconsin. And I want to be as socially skilled …"
I love to process information, as well. You and I are roughly the same age. I have decided to run with who I am. I can modulate who I am but I can not fight it.

Social skills? Look at how wonderfully you are socializing here. The net is no longer the virtual world. This is as much the world as the trees outside my window. If you are good here and get $ for your biz – great. Outside of that, figure out how to love and express love for your circle-the people who _get_ you as you are and who love you right back.

When you talk about the difficulty of raising 2 kids on $200,000 annual salary in New York, I assume that you mean raising them in Manhattan. I wouldn't argue with you about that.

However, I will argue with you if you are talking about the other buroughs of NYC as my school teacher friends raise their 2 kids quite comfortably on their considerably smaller salaries in Queens.

Most Manhattanites consider NYC=Manhattan but that's not clear to those not on the island.

Absolutely. If I moved to New York it wouldn't be to Manhattan, it would be to some of the cool areas in inner Brooklyn. In no way would this be a compromise, it's simply because I like the cool areas of Brooklyn (Brooklyn's a big place) better than Manhattan in almost every way. They're more exciting, more fun, more interesting AND they have better amenities. Plus you can WALK to Manhattan if you want.

First, I felt the need to state: you are not an idiot.

Second, as someone who was saddled with less than optimal genetics when it comes to mood, I am rarely "happy," if you define happiness as that blissful sensation that makes people smile and laugh and dance. I don't do those things. Well I do laugh. Sometimes I smile. Most of the time, I'm faking it. That said, I love my life and have no regrets, other than the fact that I overdo it (because I love my life) so I am frequently exhausted. I think happiness is the wrong goal. The regret free life and the authentic and meaningful life? Those things interest me.

"Happiness" is a bit like "enlightenment" in eastern spirituality. And as long as you are seeking it, you're openly admitting that you don't HAVE it. Regardless of what "scientists" might theorize, happiness is not a "thing," and thus it becomes almost impossible to quantify it. You can't HAVE it, you can't HOLD it in your hand, you can't even hold it in your heart except as a fleeting feeling. I think we also run into trouble because we get trapped in a pattern of trying to use standardized external metrics to measure what is– in essence– an individual and internal state.

There is no absolute list of things we can point to and say "If we have these 43 things, we're happy." Maybe chocolate ice cream makes me happy, but if you hate chocolate, that makes me clueless, right? More scientifically, odds are that happiness is neurochemistry related and what draws/engages/fulfills you will be based on your individual levels of dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. Helen Fisher's work on the chemistry of love strikes me as a fairly relevant parallel, here.

As for the whole interesting vs. happy– why does it matter to have a "label" to define where you are? Isn't, perhaps, a better question to ask: "Do I feel ENGAGED in this moment?" If you are truly into WHATEVER you're doing, odds are you'll discover that you're also "happy" or "interested" at that time… regardless of whether you're inventing a cure for AIDS or frosting a cake.

FWIW, I never lived in NYC. However, I lived in London (metro population 12-14 million, depending on who you ask) and never felt more disconnected and alone. Now I live in a small seaside town (population 10,000) and feel extremely connected and part of the community. Odds are you'd hate it here. I'm not being glib– just pointing out that we are different people… and I doubt ANY amount of feedback you might get from your (otherwise excellent!) blog can define for YOU what "happy" or "interested" looks like.

"Knowledge is indivisible. When people grow wise in one direction, they are sure to make it easier for themselves to grow wise in other directions as well. On the other hand, when they split up knowledge, concentrate on their own field, and scorn and ignore other fields, they grow less wise — even in their own field."

Isaac Asimov

This is an interesting point, and one that all major advertisers consider.

The largest advertising houses in the world say that unless an advertisement makes the potential client a promise about something he or she wants OR is interested in, the ad won't sell anything.

The word "happiness" is an umbrella term. I believe most of the time happiness does contain "interested" in advertising.

For example, when an ad appeals to sex (interested). When an ad appeals to wealth (interested). When an ad appeals to adventure (interested).

The word "interested" can mean involved, captivated, engaged and many other conditions and considerations.

They all, in my view, can be related to the term "happy" in popular culture, and as such the word "happy" works for me.

Thanks for the article. Beth

ToysPeriod is a leading online shop specializing in lego sets and model railroad equipment.

One of my uncles told me regarding my rather non-caring behavior that it's people who matter the most. They help you during times you need them, they are there when you need happiness, whether in weddings or taking you to graveyard, you need people. So social interaction itself is considered an important aspect of being normal (happy). But I must admit I don't care – I am "flourihsing" in the "information economy" with my business running well with a laptop and a rented server. I have to meet people though but it;s not something I look forward to – regarding Aspergers being a way of life rather than a disease , I pretty much agree with this. Think of priests and nuns- they have an isolated life(not considering the spiritual and materialistic issues) but they are happy and live well though live differently.

Happiness is something you can cherish and treasure for the time being. Fulfillment for me is cherishing and treasuring that happiness for a lifetime. You will have that feeling forever as long as you live. You are a great blogger Penelope. One of the best blogger i've encountered. Thanks for the great insight. :)

I feel one of the best ways to allow happiness into your life is to be appreciative and grateful for the things that you already have. It could be something as simple as having enough food to eat every day or having a warm bed at night. If you use that as a starting point and build upon it, it can be quite easy to pull yourself into a state of genuine happiness.

I think overall it has to do with quality of life…not necessarily how interesting it is. I grew up in Boston, and from my own experience and personal preference, it's interesting but there are too many challenges that are simply unfair. I don't believe that dealing with the challenges somehow indicate that you're stronger or tougher. And to try to force yourself into an uncomfortable living environment just to look "hip" sounds awfully pretentious to me. Instead now I live in the suburbs surrounding Boston so that I'm not cut off from civilization but at the same time I don't have to deal with all of the hassles of living in the city…

hmmm… I think to overemphasize happiness has two sides as far as I can see.
To overemphasize your happieness can mean that the human can't show how happy the person is in real or he/she want nor show that. Maybe she/he wants to hide the feelings.

In which range do you think about the overemphasize?
work? Family? Friends?

But you can also overemphasize your happiness if you won't to show your sadly situation or your sad face?!

Happiness is a real complex theme.
I think and I ask Is it possible that you can really really be happy in your life? Just for one day?
By myself I could'nt find an right answer.

Maybe the joy is also bogus?

"I consistently meet ambitious people that go out of their way to take lots of risks that make their lives harder, but ultimately better or more interesting. It's a struggle, but it's a sense of purpose."
This comment made my day. Penelope, I used to read Happiness Project as well, but I found that I only read it when I was already happy, not when I needed happiness. And yes, I'm one of those annoying people who take insane risks and are miserable as a result of trying to live a more interesting life. Thanks for your post, it put things in perspective for me.

I would prefer to be contented than the "extreme" of happy because I think the latter is unsustainable.

Simon
bestbusinessangels.com/

If you're interested, you're interesting.

I'm trying a happiness experiment on my blog, but I admit I am skeptical one can do anything about it.

First of all, good job Penelope. One of your best postings in my oppinion. But whats even better as the post itself are the great comments, written by all your readers. It really has lit up my horizon.

I think this is exactly what i was looking for on the subject….thank you very much indeed for your great post and keep it up! :)

I just feel that happiness is not a constant state .. Moreover nothing is ideal. When you miss out on certain things you try to chase after those elements only to realise that the previous state was much the same or maybe even better.

At some level I feel it is also important to crave, to envy as it may lead you to unknown and unexplored pastures if not the greener ones!

'Best' does not always have to mean 'most expensive', or most interesting. Sometimes, your best moment can be sitting in a dingy bar, drinking a $3 beer and eating a $5 burger.

Usually I enjoy reading your posts, Penelope, whether or not I agree with them. I like how you take a personal topic seemingly unrelated to career, and somehow create an engaging story and make it work. Not this time, though. This jumbled post seems like either (a) it was a draft posted by accident or (b) it was written solely to provoke a storm of comments. Which it did. I mean, really, are you serious in saying you don't want to be happy? And that a happy life can't be interesting? I don't buy it.

The thing about happiness is that it is largely different for everyone. One of the ways you can pursue happiness is to discover what your strengths are and do things that call to those strengths. I am also a big believer in Positive Psychology and have found two assessments that help you find those strengths. http://www.strengthsfinder.com and http://www.authentichappiness.org Either way you can't lose.

I was always amazed by people who just seem to float through life receiving all the blessing and seeming to always fall into lucky situations. I had friends that were already well off win the lottery, or hit it big in Vegas or land incredible jobs. Their cups seemed to always overflow and I marveled at their accomplishments. It had nothing to do with education. It was not a matter of being "connected" and knowing the right person. There was one defining pattern in all these people…it was their attitude.

Never did I hear them complain or worry (out loud for that matter). They always expected the best to happen and it did. Even when bad times fell on them, I found them always in good spirits and like clockwork, everything that they seemed to loose was restored back and then some.

Then it began to dawn on me that we as a society always focus on the results thinking they come in absence of something else. That sounds like such an absurd statement, but how many of you believe today that you will be happy after you make a lot of money. Or you will believe you can accomplish something after you do it. Or my personal favorite, "I'll believe it when I see it." The truth is there is no such thing as luck, everybody makes their own luck, good or bad. Things only happen when you believe they can happen.

How many times, have I heard people say "I can't do it" or "It will never happen to me." Well they are absolutely right. If they expect they can't, then they won't. I am not saying, believing will bring you an instant victory. Much like when we all learned to ride bikes as children, we fell over and maybe skinned our knees. The difference in believing "you can" will make you try again instead of walking away and accepting defeat. Mistakes and setbacks are just a part of the learning process…learn from them and they will never happen again.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as coincidences. We live in a world of constant cause and effect and it is no coincidence that people who think positive have positive things happen to them. Just as well, people who think negative thoughts have negative things happen to them. Problem is many people just do not know that they are doing it to themselves. If they took the time to monitor their thoughts, they would be amazed to see there was no coincidence in the outcomes at all. True happiness is within everyone's grasp.

Skeptical? So was I, till it started to work…Honestly, what do you have to lose?

I think the biggest variable, is peoples perception of happiness. People in Wisconsin may be happier than New Yorkers because of their surroundings. People in country areas tend to be happier with less personal belongings than people from cities do. In the cities, it's all about money; everywhere you look, people are making money and spending money, so you are trained to believe that is what is most important.

I believe to find happiness you must know the purpose of life first, which most people don't know. Most people live life to grow, work, start family, make money and die, if that is all your purpose of life then you wont find happiness as life will be too monotonic. I find the purpose of life in the bible, well explained in a book called "What does the Bible Really Teach" published by the Watchtower organization but not for sale and i am not selling you anything here.