You couldn't be more correct. My wife has come to the realization that she can't be everything all at once, and that it's OK. As a new attorney, she works a lot of hours, and I've picked up the slack with our son. When she was home with the baby for the first 9 months, she was super-Mom. A tough transition, at least from my vantage point.

Luckily, she doesn't give two s**ts about what celebs do, since she knows that world is fake.

Penelope,

Very interesting blog post. I'm still relatively young (male) and do not have kids yet, but I wonder how the hell I'm going to do it when I'm older and decide to. It's not a stay at home world anymore, that's for sure, but I'm not sure it should be either. My mom gave up her career and her training as a speech pathologist in order to raise me and my sisters and I am forever grateful. However, I wonder how this next generation of nanny raised kids will end up (not saying I'm the greatest myself). I'm sure this post will generate a lot of angry moms and dads, but I think you bring up a very important issue for working parents and will generate good discussion. Also, I love the new term "Mommy Porn"

~Chris

"Mommy Porn." I love it. This is the problem I have with magazines like Real Simple and TV sitcoms. It's the myth that women are supposed to all think at the end of the day, "My, that was tough, but gosh, don't I have it all?" There's no reality to it - it's like Life in a Pottery Barn Catalog. Why is it so shocking to hear someone say they don't want to be with their kids 24/7? Isn't that just being human?

My blood boils at the thought of someone thinking it's OK to nose around about how a woman cares for her children. I love Mr. Sales Guy's reaction.

Very true. People buy into the "happy parent" myth because they want to believe it. Parenting is not as easy as it appears in the media. One difficult child can sap a parents resources. Studies have actually shown the overall happiness does go down when juggling a career and kids. Of course, people don't want to hear about such studies.

If a mother gave Mr. Sales Guy's answer ("I don't know, ask my husband / nanny/ daycare provider") what would people think of her?

I'm just back to work after mat leave#2, but only half time and flex hours. What I love most about being back so far is how quiet my office is — I can finish a thought. That's a stress of parenthood — never being able to finish a thought, a sentence with an adult, or complete a task (like laundry, cooking, cleaning) without dozens of interruptions. Playing with the kids is the easy part.

In the mommy porn world, mommies only need to do the easy parts.

This is a great post. "Mommy porn" may be a strong term, but the gist of this post is 100% correct.
We should never, never place any credence in the lives of multimillionaire celebrities. How they live is completely irrelevant to the rest of us.

"Mommy porn?!"

Thank you, Penelope. This syndrome has needed a name for at least 30 years, probably longer. Mia Farrow, Joan Crawford, all soap opera families, the Waltons…mommy porn role models, all.

Wow, I am not used to this level of bitterness in your posts.

Here are two things I think you overlook:

1) you ASSUME all women have your personality type and work a 9-5 as an alternative to being with their kids, i.e. out of choice. This is not the case for most working women. Their working is borne of necessity, and mostly, they wouldn't be able to make as much "freelancing".

2) How do you know Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Lopez are not great mothers? Implicit in what you are saying is that they actually ARE great mothers and you are just jealous of the wealth they have amassed to facilitate their lives. They probably spend more time with their kids than you do and it is probably QUALITY time BECAUSE, as you rightly say, they have cleaners, stylists, chefs etc. That doesn't make them bad mothers. That makes them successful in their careers. You are always going on about personal branding….here are two women that have built such successful personal brands their jobs consist mostly in being themselves. And you are ragging on them.

David, I may be projecting, but I think Penelope is reacting to the impossible expectations that are set up when Angelina, or J. Lo., or Gwyneth Paltrow ("I simply *everything*") are featured, looking like they have it all with no effort. The truth is, that standard is next to impossible for most of us. And seeing them set up as the avatars of perfect working motherhood doesn't help.

I don't think Penelope is saying those women are bad mothers for having all that household help (she uses a nanny herself, and has written eloquently about the choices she's had to make to be able to afford that help). She's saying it's NOT THAT SIMPLE.

You are absolutely right. This is one topic I have only obliquely touched on my blog (see "Low Bar for Daddy" post) as my wife and I have talked about it and concluded that you just can't say the truth about all your feelings about parenting in public unless you want to be pilloried. It is not socially acceptable to be ambivalent about parenting. It is easier for me to disregard the Daddy porn because there is so little of it as men are still not really expected to do anything but love being a father.

I agree in general with the concept of Nanny Porn.

I checked out the people.com site and found this quote from Marc Anthony, the father of J. Lo's kids:

"It's just us, man. We're figuring it out and having a great time," he said. "She expects me to help and she makes no bones about it. I get the late shift. I get literally from 10 on because we don't have a nanny. It's just me and Jennifer figuring it out. From 10 p.m. to 8 [a.m.], that's my shift."

So….not sure your argument holds up for that couple, other than as one poster said, they are so wealthy they don't have to work. Are you saying that these people are lying about preferring to be with their kids?

I loved this post. I don't have children, and perhaps that is why many of my friends with kids tell me privately what you just said publicly. They can't tell anyone else because other parents make them feel badly if they ever say anything other than "having kids is the best thing I ever did in my life." (Which I'm sure is true, along with everything else that's not so great.)

I think if people were more honest about what it's really like to raise kids, it would be a lot EASIER for women, because their expectations about how to juggle it all would be realistic (instead of all the images you get from the media as you describe in your post.)

I do think women are getting to talk more openly about the challenges these days (as evidenced by the growth of "mommy blogs"), and I think that is a very helpful thing and will cure a lot of the problems created by "mommy porn."

Penelope, everybody lies about parenting because no one wants a late-evening visit from the local Child Protective Services office acting on an anonymous tip.

Thank you for this post. I'm four months pregnant with my first child and still trying to figure out how I'm going to navigate Mr. Sales Guy conversations.

I detest Mommy-porn and I can think of thousands of other examples in the media (and in my own pre-natal yoga class). Luckily, I grew up in a family with four children, my mom went back to work 8 weeks after each delivery, and we all went to an amazing, affordable, daycare. I am so so so thankful that my mother did not stay home with us everyday and that she had her own professional life that I was able to learn from and aspire to. Now that I'm getting ready for motherhood, I'm so glad that I have her as my example. I know it's not going to be like the magazine-spreads but my kid(s) will turn out okay; we all did.

Great post.

Chris - you've given yourself away as a non parent by the assertion that such a post will generate "angry mom and dads". No it won't. This is so on the money it ain’t funny.

We've taken selling and buying “the dream” too far on every level, so much so it is indeed becoming a bit of a parody of itself - parenting is just where it falls into such clear focus. With two gorgeous kids I know my wife has the harder job as a stay at home mum (right now) - and she'll have an even harder job to find and re-invent herself post that period of her life.

But just because corporate have been legally "encouraged” to "accept and integrate" mum returners, it takes a lot longer to change deep held beliefs. And that question, "who looks after the kids", is one of those ‘saying so much through saying so little’ moments. As a mum it would surely back foot you immediately – by such an “innocent” question they are immediately calling into question your maternality, a fundamental achilles for any red blooded mother.

I liked your approach with Mr Sales guy, Penelope - maybe next time you get asked such a question (if not accompanied with a clear deeper awe of your powers of striving to get / be aware of any kind of balance whilst maintaining such a full on career) go straight back to the question asker with
"What your favourite position for love making these days?"

“None of my business - damned right it's not! Now to why I'm here today. Business.”

Misogyny is as rife as ever. Mostly we (men) can’t help it, almost certainly it’s a subconscious blunt male reaction to things we don’t understand and therefore scare us – the power of a woman. But unless our own shortcomings are laid out bare in front of us by the strong and brave (in an understanding non-confrontational way – because you’re better at that than we are) then there’s still such a long long way to go.

Sydney — I'm not sure the proliferation of mommy blogs really helps with the "mommy porn". I'm more inclined to think they exacerbate it, just from the other end. Instead of idealizing have-it-all, do-it-all motherhood, they're glorifying the grunt work. If celebrity motherhood stories are the porn with the big budget, Philip Glass score, and slick production values, then mommy blogs are the Tonya Harding-esque porn with no budget, MIDI soundtrack, and shot with a cell phone cam. Both sides are incredibly annoying and neither side does real, thinking moms any favors when it comes to the Mr. Sales Guys of the world.

I love that term — "mommy porn." It will be my new favourite phrase.

You're right on the money about the trend too. It's not just in pop culture, it's in the shopping too. I don't know about you, but I don't think spending $3000 on a stroller makes me any more capable of parenting, but the mommy porn shows that it does.

I love my kids, of course we all do, but I love them more for all the hours I get away from them.

And I never thought too hard about the Mr. Sales Guy conversations, but I have them with women in business settings as much as with men. Of course, with women, it's usually another mom commiserating.

Carla

It's all part of the myth perpetuated so that normal people will always feel like they can never win, never achieve, never do more. They hear that so-and-so wrote their first novel while holding a 6 month old on one knee and they look at the novel they have been trying to write the one evening a week their husband agrees to handle the kids so she can go to the coffee shop and try to get it done and then wonders why she can't, because she's exhausted.

It's not so much mommy porn as it is mommy myth.

and if ANYONE believes that jennifer lopez and marc antony are raising their kids with no help they are smoking crack. even if there is no 'nanny' there is certainly household staff to cook, clean, do chores, and manage things. it is nowhere near 'on their own'. more myth.

Parents need to get over themselves, and how they think the world views them.

Ultra-productive career people are not at home wooing over their kids … they either have a housewife, or unfortunately, a househusband, or possibly a nanny at home rearing the kids.

Mommy porn is a fantastic term to describe this delusional perception that some people give of "having it all."

I think it's sad when people can't say to themselves and the world, "I proudly have my career, and still my kids are in good shape."

Perhaps some parents have misplaced guilt over the idea of not being with their kids 24/7, when in reality, their kids probably don't even need them around half that much.

To each their own if you choose to work, stay-at-home, or try to find balance.

Just be honest about who you really are, versus selling the mythically perfectly balanced career-family arrangement.

Great post, PT!

I don't think you should be using that term. If you are writing a blog about the work life balance, many of your readers might be reading from the office or company machines at home.

This term could raise flags with corporate filters and reduce the number of readers to your site by triggering alarms preventing future viewing of your blog from work computers.

Let me guess. The investor you mention here passed, didn't he?

This really TICKS ME off. There should be a disclaimer (in the interest of honesty) every time Angelina is photographed with one of her children: Nanny in background holding diaper bag! "……Angelina Jolie, and her fifty kids. She has a rule that the nannies (plural, yes, each kid has their own) cannot be photographed holding the kids, because it’s bad for Angelina’s image as a mom.

I appreciate so many more of the answers in this post than I thought I would. Maybe it is just me as a guy, but I feel that parents should just raise their kids how they feel or how necessity dictates. Who cares how J Lo or Angelina Jolie is raising their kids. Their situation is different from yours.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom by her own choice. Honestly, I love that she is able to do that. I could not. What is great for me, is that I get to juggle my career and parenting. And I love the balance that it gives me.

We just need to realize that everyone is different and parents shouldn't be striving to be like the Hollywood mom or the mom blogger. Instead they should just be the mom that they envision as a "good" mom. (Obviously mom can be switched for dad)

Yay, P: Once again you've said something that needed to be said.

I hate the image of Angelina. I don't care how many third world countries she's helping. She's admitted to having a gun in her house. She's had an incredibly unstable past. We all make mistakes, but I worry about the safety of her children. Good thing she's got the staff she does.

Great post. All the celebrity mommy porn really gets to some people! I have 3 kids and have tried it all - back to work 4 days/week after 3 months leave with the first two, then starting my own home-based consulting business after the 3rd. After 5 years balancing working at home with 3 kids, went back to work part-time, and for the past 4 years have been working full-time again, out of necessity.

So I see it from every angle and let me tell you, there is no easy solution. One person's dream situation is another's nightmare. I've met moms who say flat out that they could never handle staying home, and moms who say the complete opposite. I've seen moms who balance the work/family thing pretty well and those who fail miserably. We all know great nannies and awful moms…and super moms and abusive nannies.

I will say that working from home for a couple of years helped me build a network of stay-at-home/work-at-home moms (and a few dads) that I could rely on for support when I went back to work, which is a godsend. Whatever your choice, do what's right for you and your family!

"So there’s real damage from mommy porn. Everyone begins thinking that every woman should be parenting gracefully while working full time"
This is true, and I also think that it isn't just the "Mommy Porn" that shows the lies…it is also the fact that I (technically a Gen Y-er but I consider myself cuspy of Y and X) have been lied to about EVERYTHING (Money, getting a degree, work, how marriage works…you name it).

* * * * * *

Eve, I love this comment. It's so true. I gave a speech today, and having read your comment beforehand changed how I spoke. The way we talk about the trappings of adulthood is absurd. We promise each other so much, as if it's coming, as if things will be easy. And it's all so hard. I go out in the world, and I can't believe how dishonest things are. And I come back to this community and feel lucky that there is a common understanding among us that what we've been sold is not working. Thanks for reminding me that this post applies to a lot more than being a mom.

-Penelope

Thanks for writing this post! Although I haven't written about it online, in my offline life, I have been honest about the fact that staying home with my kid would drive me batty in no time flat. My schedule as a teacher is just perfect in this regard. The summers? He is at day camp at this very moment. It is what we both prefer. Last summer we were in each other's hair all summer–he was bored, I was exasperated. Perhaps it would be different if we lived in communities where there WAS community for moms and kids at home, but I haven't found that to be the case.

Yeah, you just know that Angelina Jolie doesn't get stomach bugs and have to change diapers in between throwing up. Stuff like that.

* * * * * * *
I really appreciate all the people weighing in and saying that staying home all day makes them nuts. I found it was so hard to face myself at first — to realize that I was one of the people who cannot stay home. I have found that it's a hard process to get to a point where someone, like Bloggrl, or the many others in this comment string, can say publicly that staying home does not work. I am so so grateful to all the parents who have been honest with me over the past six years since I had kids. The honesty, even if it was in private, helped me to see myself more clearly.

–Penelope

Stuff worth reading:

http://www.reason.com/news/show/125163.html

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1202940,00.html

I believe Penelope has linked to Daniel Gilbert's research before.

Personally, I think people are happiest when they get what they want - if you want kids, you will be happier if you have them, and if you don't want kids, you will be happier if you don't have them. But people should know realistically what they are getting into, and the "Mommy Porn" industry produces nothing of use to anyone except itself.

You are absolutely, 100%, spot-on with this.

Personally, I dream of staying at home and raising my (future) children. But because my husband and I both need to work, we're actually putting off getting pregnant until we can "figure out" how we're going to work this. Meanwhile, I'm 36, and my husband is 39. We don't have time to waste.

Meanwhile, JLo and Halle and Angelina are gorgeous, glowing, relaxed, and hailed as amazing role models. Give me a break. I could use a personal staff to keep it all together right NOW, never mind when I have kids.

Penelope:
This is a great blog. I just found it and really like what I see.
I like the long length of your posts. I try to keep my blog posts to about 600 words, but I have been advised that they are too long — so now I'm experimenting with about 300 — 400 words. Don't know if I like it yet.
I don't have kids, but I would be fed up if I did and was always asked questions about how I took care of them and worked — of course, no one would aske me that question, because I'm a guy.
I've subscribed to your blog and will read every day. Keep up the great posts with the thoughtful content.

Very interesting article. It is a shame. I believe this is what has caused such an increase in autism recently. If parents are not constantly interacting with their children, especially very early on prior to school, children miss out on crucial social interaction with their parents.

I read about these topics in a wonderful book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. I really suggest the book to everyone, especially those with autism or parents of autistic children.

* * * * * * *

Of course I have to weigh in here and say that autism is not caused by bad parenting. But, in fact, it's just another assault on women who work full-time to even think, for one second, that this would be true.

-Penelope

Angelina Jolie can afford to hire multiple "wives".

Great post. Having actually been the primary caregiver for my kids when they were infants (I was crazy enough to try taking care of both Jason and Marissa at work, and my friend the CEO was crazy enough to let me), I know more than most non stay-at-home husbands how much work it is to care for children. Work is a breeze in comparison, and being a primary caregiver has made me way more efficient than I was before I became a dad.

Unfortunately, my experience was very unusual. I doubt many people have jobs where bringing a baby in to work every day would be allowed. And I probably would have worried about things like advancement if I weren't a member of the founding team.

The challenge that faces most of us is simple–do we tell the truth about parenting? I'm often reluctant to discuss parenthood with VCs I don't know well, simply because I think it hurts my chances of fundraising.

I'm an investor myself, and I know for a fact that I'd rather invest in the insane, driven entrepreneur who will do anything to win. I just don't want to hang out with them, or, God forbid, work for them.

Woo…Hoo…somebody finally said it. I love my daughter but I was secretly thrilled to send her to daycare. And guess what, she was glad to go too.

How do I know this because she didn't cry once on her very first day at 13 months and has never cried or whined since. The daycare said she was so well adjusted.

Fast forward eight years later. This time away has made our relationship much stronger. We're both social butterflies and love our own time apart.

Oh and unlike most moms, I work from home and have done so for five years.

Hey…just another take on the subject: a rant by Rebecca Walker (daughter of Alice Walker) that's a take on the experience of being parented by a mom that didn't try to have it all:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021293/How-mothers-fanatical-feminist-views-tore-apart-daughter-The-Color-Purple-author.html

I read it this a.m. and was thinking about it along generational lines (Rebecca and I are the same age, and I saw a reflection of my own Gen X take on Boomers), but there's also a critique of "classic" feminism and a healthy dose of debunking the mommy porn issue PT describes.

Just more food (fuel?) for thought.

Understand your thoughts. Remember continue to find helpful adults who are willing to spend some time with the kids that you can trust so that they are times away from them. It is important to spend enough time away from them that you can deal with them reasonably well when you are there because you had a break. It is a dramatic undertaking. Then you do the best you can to do all the things required and expected and realize that you can only do so much. Love helps cover for mistakes so make sure they know you love them even when you are angry or they have failed in some way. Hope the balance gets better for you.

I couldn't agree more. It is a shame that celebrity moms aren't more upfront about how much help they truly have. They are being blatantly dishonest and are doing a disservice to women.

Kevin's comment about autism is completely outdated, inaccurate and untrue. Autism is not a result of 'distant' parenting as was widely believed in the 1940s. It's a complex combination of a number of factors: the strongest being heredity, most often from the father's side. And not only Kevin's comment inaccurate, it's cold and tactless considering Pen's personal experience with Autism.

Great Post.

I think the worst channel on TV right now is E! My wife watches it all the time. They gush over how these celebrity moms "are great parents" & "love their kids".

The latest thing that made me sick was one E! reporter was talking about Jamie Lynn Spears and said "she is looking forward to being a mom" and "will make a great mom".

"It is a shame. I believe this is what has caused such an increase in autism recently." - Kevin Cannella

"And not only Kevin’s comment inaccurate, it’s cold and tactless…" - Susan

Let's be real.

Kevin is an a**hole.

There's no way he wrote that comment unknowing about PT's situation.

So he read "a" book re autism.

And he thinks the limited knowledge accumulated from one book makes him expert enough to make a blanket statement re the causes of autism?

If he believes that, he's more of an idiot than his post reveals.

Right on, Penelope! I will freely tell anyone who'll listen that after 9 months of mat leave with my little girl, I was desperate to get back to work. I love my daughter, but let's face it, I also love my job and at parenting I am just an amateur. I'm quite happy to pay qualified, trained professionals to take care of her during the day. I would love to do away with the cultural myth that mothering is my true calling and my only source of fulfillment, and the expectation that I would choose to stay home if I were not financially required to work.

As an American woman living in the Netherlands, I have gone back in time and live in the 1950's. Only 6% of women with children work 35 hours or more and you are a "Bad Mother" if you work more than 3 days per week. The avg. is 12-15 hours per week, which results in women working completely low level jobs.

My kids are one year old and four years old. When I first visited a day care center for my son, I asked how many of the kids (out of 60) were there 5 days and the answer was a shocked, none of course!! In most schools, the mother is still expected to pick up their kids (by bike) for lunch at home and then bring the kids back to school. All schools are off on Wednesday afternoons too.

The culture and structure of this society perpetuate the pattern and the question of who takes care of your children comes up less often because it is assumed that you work part time!

I do work full time + and it isn't for the money. I run a non-profit incubator and business center for women entrepreneurs and my baby-sitter earns more than I do as I build up the business! I do not wish I could stay home all day every day with the kids, but I know that I am one of few that can say it guilt free.

People are also shocked that my husband "helps out" so much!

Awesome post!

Those "who takes care of your kids" - style questions aren't limited to business contacts, either. My own mother would ask me the most insulting questions about my girls' day in daycare. Things like, "Do you wonder if the girls will start thinking that (the babysitter) is their mom?"

excellent post.

I stayed home with our daughter for her first two years and as grateful as I am for having had that experience, I thought I was loosing my mind and needed to get back to work asap. I was just not cut out to be a SAHM. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less, it just means I need some time away. My husband is now the stay-at-home-dad and wonderful at it. I am extremely lucky & thankful for all that he does. But still I get comments from people about how i'm not a good mom for pursuing my career or that my husband must be a pushover or wuss for staying home…that's just such crap! We don't have to prove anything to anybody, but its shitty that people say stuff like that. Parenting is not one size-fits-all, when are people going to get that?

The myth of satisfying parenthood is a biological defense mechanism that humans evolved for the perpetuation of the species. In all likelihood (admittedly not certainly), at some point, you too will lie to your children so that they will develop the desire to procreate. The question is, will you lie out of love, or spite? :D

Interesting post to get us thinking.
I forgot who said this on a keynote/seminar, 'People don't like to lie, but they have no problem misleading people'. So it's not really a lie, they do take care of the their kids … occasionally or maybe less than that; but they misleading us by leting us think that they are supermommies.

Many of us do this all the time, it could be the face you show at work, in front of your client/boss/director, your kid's teacher or going on a first date. Would those be lies or just be misleading?

Many interviews with entrepreneurs would write how they got their success, but not their failures & making them look like super-entrepreneurs. Can we call that Entrepreneurism Porn?

I guess I'm so use to it & everyone does it, that don't consider a problem but just part of being human/social. (Image vs the real-situation)

"So there’s real damage from mommy porn. Everyone begins thinking that every woman should be parenting gracefully while working full time."

This attitude also hurts women who DO prefer to stay at home — if they're not working outside the home in addition to raising the kids and managing the household, they're regarded as unambitious or lazy.

I stayed home for almost two years and mostly enjoyed it. When I started getting restless, I was lucky enough to find a 20 hr/wk telecommuting contract in my field (software). Even with this level of work I find a cleaning person and a part-time nanny absolutely essential to function. So many bloggers out there are trying to do it all without help and boy do they sound stressed!

I read the Rebecca Walker article posted by JenFlex. Very, very interesting.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021293/How-mothers-fanatical-feminist-views-tore-apart-daughter-The-Color-Purple-author.html

There's a danger in parenting with a view towards others' expectations rather than your child's needs– whether those expectations are 1970s radical feminism or having Angelina Jolie's lifestyle.

People are always telling me that it's easier to be at work than at home with the kids. I've even been told this by people I met less than 5 minutes before. I've had people stop me and ask me why I don't go back to f/t work in an office somewhere.

People say, things like, "How can you handle it? How can you stand it? Doesn't it drive you crazy? I can't do that. I'm not that kind of person. How can you do it? You're not that kind of person. You must be going crazy. My kid is a monster — I couldn't handle being at home with him." and so on.

Maybe it's because I'm at home with my kids all day AND I run a business from home. People feel like I must know what it's like to want to go back to work…and that they can safely tell me how much they hated taking care of kids all day. They figure I must understand how grueling raising kids is.

I was pretty shocked when people — even complete strangers — started telling me these things. But I slowly realized that a lot of people go to work because they don't want to be at home with their kids. In fact, if you look around, a lot of stay at home parents have their kids in extended preschool, with a nanny or in daycare for 15 hours a week or more. Even the people at home don't want their kids full time.

So I'm an anomaly. I'm at home with my kids all day. I work during naps and after bed time. Right now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm making good money, leading a successful career and raising my own family. My partner and I share parenting and home duties. We're weird, I guess.

But is all this a secret? Not that I can tell. If it's a secret, it's an open secret. But maybe it's only something people tell to WAHPs and SAHPs.

True, women have achieved relative equality of opportunity in various sectors of life, but I sometimes wonder if this is only because society has somehow mentally separated "women" from "mothers"—as if the latter is not merely a piece of the former, as man is to father. It’s as if a "woman" is her own person, with rights, and worthy of respect. But once a woman becomes pregnant (once she has sex, really), any pretense of equality goes flying out the window, and it’s almost taken for granted that she becomes property of society—someone whose uterus can be controlled, belly can be touched unbidden, life choices can be questioned, and private life can be intruded upon. Issues that relate to a woman’s reproductive life (including how she parents) are in the public domain, and it’s the undoing of so much the feminist movement has achieved. This goes beyond issues of pro-life/choice, and I think it will be the feminist issue of my (as yet childless, Y) generation.

You know (and I duck and cover as I say this), I don’t blame the women who participate in the mommy porn. In a sense, Angelina Jolie and the military mom are victims of the culture too, and sad reminders that even the most powerful women are not more powerful than our America’s fidelity to this mommy myth.

* * * * * *

I think I probably agree. The media. Yes. I blame the media. But it's hard to blame moms who participate. It's so hard to navigate this terrain, that however people do it seems okay. You will never hear Angelina saying how other people should parent. She is careful about that. It's a fine line. For all of us, maybe.

-Penelope

Excellent post. I don't love all of your posts, the one about how much it would cost to install WIFI at the farmer's house kind of bugged me, but this one is right on.

It bothers me too, how we all have to feel the same way or at least - let's be honest - give the same shiny plastic cover stories (the ones our society accepts) about life choices.

And the things that bug me that you write about in this post tie in my mind to another subject that bugs me - the glorification of the wealthy, comfortable Harvard Law mom who tells the NYT how wonderful it is to not work and be provided for as she "finds herself" or makes handbags or does whatever the licensed and educated do when real work** gets too hard. God forbid their kids ever become challenging and no longer as fun to be with or impressive looking…what does she do then, go back to the office? Breed cats? Whatever looks best in print, I suppose.

[PS - haters, come at me - making handbags at home or keeping a mommy blog IS NOT A REAL JOB - those ladies have taken a potentially productive professional license out of the economy, and shame on them for not sucking it up as the lower and middle classes are forced to]

"Haters come at me" I love that. The extra spunk in the comments makes me so happy.

-Penelope

"But the level of expectations people have for parenting is absolutely insane. The mommy porn feeds this problem."

Strangely enough I read this post and all I could think about was flexible work arrangements. I know that the two topics don't seem to go together so let me explain.

I've read a couple of articles recently about the gas price increases that have stated that a high percentage of workers say they could fulfill some or all of their work responsibilities by telecommuting yet only 4% of companies allow it. So it seems to me that there are some pretty insane expectations around workplace as well.

What makes it common to the parenting challenge is that in both cases the insane expectations are driven by a focus on the wrong outcome. Why are some supervisors and companies obsessed with physically observing an employee doing their job? And why are parents judged by the amount of time that they spend with their children?

In the case of work the focus should be on outcomes, e.g., claims processed, questions answered, sales closed. In parenting I doubt that reasonable people could agree on one standard that applies to all situations but 'hours my child is physically in my presence' is certainly the wrong one.

Nothing much new to add to this facinating conversation. But, honestly Penelope, doesn't this comment of yours sound just the slightest bit condesending?

"But I’m telling you, if the feeling weren’t ubiquitous then there would be no one to be in middle management working 9-5 because they’d all be home with their kids, doing freelance work after bedtime."

Wrong.

Some people are working 9-5 not because they want to get away from their kids, but because they don't have any other option to pay for $4.00/gallon gas.

They aren't highly educated, totally wired, socially networked, internet 2.0 workers. They lack either the education, opportunity, skill set or budget to buy a bitchin' laptop and get that sweet freelance gig.

You live in Madison, right? Wander on over to a middle-middle class neighborhood on the far east side and chat some of those people up about the plethora of freelance opportunities, OK?

The mommy porn thing though is right on the money.

While you're absolutely right (My wife LOVES People and Us magazines and reads them religiously…so I kind of *ahem* peek at them), you of all people have to recognize that the MSM, magazines included, care about circulation and advertising revenue - not how their magazine may or may not affect the public perception. And I know you know this.

Case and point: Us magazine reports on Hollywood glamor, fashion, etc… Yet, since it's a weekly issue, when there's no real news to report, guess what topic always makes the cover: Weight loss. Always. And they show a picture of some sweet, young thing scantily clad in a bikini or similar and invariably tell you how you can lose 200 lbs. in one week by eating only chocolate ice cream.

The cover isn't just mommy porn, it's female porn (without the explicit, exposed body parts) selling the idea to women that you too, can become hot and skinny by following a totally unrealistic diet. Unrealistic because people can't just eat one Fig Newton and they can't afford the personal chefs making healthy meals thrice daily.

So really, I guess I was just agreeing with you but pointing out the fact that I know you know why they do it. The difference is, they get paid to lie and you get paid to tell the truth - so I understand why it's frustrating to you because you don't have to lie. It's just that lies are more interesting than the truth. Just look at how the media portrays political stories. Obama's famous 'bitter' remark dominated the headlines and all the MSM outlets for an entire week when everyone whose IQ was over 70 knew what he really meant, yet they still spun it and milked it for all it was worth because it's not really about truth.

"My own mother would ask me the most insulting questions about my girls’ day in daycare. Things like, “Do you wonder if the girls will start thinking that (the babysitter) is their mom?”"

GenerationXpert, it seems like every time I read one of your posts I think, "Hey, I resemble that remark!" I'm right smack in the middle of Generation X, however you measure it - born in 1970 - and I think one of the biggest differences between Generation X and Generation Y is the fact that our parents are so different.

I can't fathom what it would be like to have a Baby Boomer career-oriented mom. Mine stayed home and sewed clothes, gardened, and did macrame. I think it was really boring a lot of the time for her, and living in such an isolated area she didn't have many other people to socialize with. But I also think she dreaded the idea of a job, and she is really sort of agoraphobic when it comes to getting out and being around people where there's more hustle and bustle. I thought growing up in the sticks was dull because there was never anyone else around, but she seems to like it. At any rate, although she does have some clerical skills, those jobs never paid enough for her to justify driving 50 miles to the nearest city every day. When I was in college she had a job in a nearby town that lasted around ten years, until their branch shut down, but she was never a career woman.

Our parents have more in common with Generation Y's grandparents.

I definitely agree.

And why isn't there any Daddy porn? Gee I wonder. (Men aren't under the delusion that they'll have to "do it all." at least nobody's lying to us about that.)

I heard Suzy Welch (Jack's wife) speak in April, and someone in the audience brought up the question of work-life balance (she has 4 grown kids). She rather unabashedly called it bull - she didn't want to be home with the kids, she preferred the career, and she wouldn't be where she was if she tried for both. She said it was a big joke in her house when the kids were small when she'd spend a couple hours on Christmas morning playing with them. I think her point was that it's not worth worrying about, that they end up fine in the end, but she later let it slip that she had a full-time nanny.

Afterwards, the group I was with (all women, some married with kids) talked about that point in particular quite a bit - we all decided that while it seemed her kids didn't have a mother, they really did. But it wasn't Suzy Welch. So yes, you can have it all, if you can afford to have a nanny and a host of other personal services. Honestly, seeing my friends with kids (none of my own), I know instinctively that there's no way to "have it all" - you make enough money to buy help or you prioritize.

And frankly, I think that's the way life should be. Reality, however, is not what sells magazines.

Mommy porn. So right on.

p.s. I have a house husband.

So, who takes care of your kids?

"Mommy Porn" — brilliant! You sparked a blog for me today, because this is a problem that affects a LOT of moms, both those who stay home full-time and those who have to go to the office, whether part- or full-time. And I think it's especially hard on single moms, who might *want* to be home with their kids but who must hold down a job out of necessity.

I want to share an insight from one of my readers, who said, "In its essence, porn is gratification without the commitment, investment, and work." In light of that definition, you have *definitely* hit the nail on the head as far as what those fancy photo spreads of the rich and famous mommies really amount to.

And I think you have identified a real problem: good, hardworking, capable women are being undermined by images that simply are not realistic. Anyone could be "supermom" if they had a whole staff to help them. But most of us can't afford to hire a staff. So, we just keep plugging on, doing our best to keep up with as much as we possibly can, while wishing we could be more.

Mommy porn - what a great post. But I totally agree with the idea that the real danger lies in that moment when we start to parent to others' expectations rather than doing the best we can for ourselves AND our children given where we are at and what we have got. The key is intent - but that is not something that we need to justify to others, just ourselves. I loved it when I was home with my kids; I love it equally now that I am working fulltime. And my kids love me and know they are loved. Isn't that all that is important?

I work part-time (3 days/week). As I leave the office, invariably, someone will say, "Enjoy your day off." I always turn back and answer, "Well, actually, *this* was my day off. I got to drink a whole cup of coffee, answer e-mails, finish something I started, and have 4 adult conversations."

I do love being home with my kids. But I also love working. For me, that has meant a part-time solution with a 50% pay cut, to make both of those things happen. It's worth it, but never do I think I "have it all." I have half: half a job; half the time with my kids. For me, that works out just fine.

Frankly, I think the world would be a better place if everyone worked part-time (regardless of their parent status), but that's a different discussion.

Great post, Penelope! Here's my take. We have two kids, 4 and 5. I am an oral surgeon. After I had my first child, I made the choice not to go back to work full time. I work two days a week.

I honestly do not know how people with kids can juggle working full time. I do not know how they do it. Unless they have a nanny, which I do not, by choice.

Maybe it is just me, but I could not work my particular job full time and juggle all the things like sick kids, grocery shopping, laundry, car repairs etc.

What's my point? I completely think the "you can have it both — career and be a mom" is a myth. Something has to give. Either you give up the bulk responsibility of raising your kid, and put your kid in daycare or w/ a nanny… or you give up something in your career so you can spend more time raising your kids.

Personally, I chose to give up the career part. I don't regret it at all. And I am not lying about this. I even sold my practice so I wouldn't have to deal w/ all the nonsense that goes along w/ ownership. HUGE relief. Spending time w/ my kids is much more rewarding to me. Do I sometimes want to throttle them? Yes! Do I have some relief when I go to work? Sometimes… but dental patients are often equally as high maintenance!

Thanks for your blog, Penelope. I have been enjoying every post since I discovered you!

Great post.

Folks don't forget that "mommy porn" doesn't just sell magazines, it sells the OTHER stuff IN the magazine. The Bellini cribs and Orbit carrier that advertisers put in when the magazine calls them to tell them about the great story they're doing on the celebrity mom and dad. And the photos — you just know that often the celeb parent doesn't have to BUY any of those items - though they can well afford to - because the manufacturers give them freebies just for the photo ops.

Okay now seriously, is anyone looking to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez as role models? And does anyone seriously think Angelina is carrying those kids more than a few meters on those skinny little arms of hers? Of course there are nannies lurking in the background! They're right next to the make-up artists and the personal trainers.

"Everyone is drawn to the ideal of Angelina Jolie as the perfect combination of careerist and mother." Really? Everyone? Strange, I've never heard her described like that. She's merely another self-absorbed Hollywood wacko, of which there has never been a shortage.

If I were Angelina's publicist (a horrifying prospect, other than the money) responding to this post, I'd point out your $50,000 house manager, full-time nanny and cleaning service.

Great Post. Love "Mommy Porn". Can you trademark? :)

How's this for an answer to your Sales Guy:

Q: "So, who takes care of your kids?"
A: "I do."

Period.

Because the fact is, you do take care of them. By working and providing for them, by making sure they have care, food, medical attention, and yes, going to a reasonable number of soccer games and kid-birthday parties.

But most importantly, you are taking care of them by taking care of YOURSELF. By doing meaningful work that contributes to society and your own well-being, you are filled up as an adult, so that you don't need your kids to "complete" you, like so many sad parents do. Our society has this myth, as you indicate that we're supposed to focus on our kids or they'll be messed up, when that undue, inappropriate "focus" is what actually damages them. Keep up the good work. By working and contributing, and showing your kids that this is OK, you're being the best parent possible. Congratulations.

The troubles of raising kids is the payback for all the trouble you gave your parents. Your kids will hopefully get their payback because the fun is being the grandparent. Then if you get rattled and have had to much you march the kids back to your kid.

Oh my flipping God–THANK YOU! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I am so glad someone finally stepped up and told the whole world that we cannot and will not live up to the super mom image. Good grief!

I have 4 kids and it is HARD. When I tell people I work from home they act disgusted that I send my kids to daycare. How can I work effectively when they are constantly on top of me 24/7? No one asks my husband where the kids are all day, no one cares. When I want to go on a business trip the first question everyone asks me is the same question you got, "Who will take care of the kids?" or people will assume I can't go somewhere or do something because of the kids.

And yes being a parent is difficult and it's no fairytale. And no babies don't sleep through the night by 6 weeks and there is nothing wrong with you when they are still waking up at night. lol. Someone needs to write a book on the real deal of parenting.

I love your article here. I am a full time working mom. My house is a mess, behind on bills, I am exhausted and work is stressful and I am behind. However, when I get home from work I spend time with my kids, reading, playing games, on the Wii and just goofing off. I have a husband who shares the responsibilities of the home. They eat healthy most of the time. They are at a sitters and summer camp right now. I have been strong enough to say, I would not make a good stay at home mom and I love my job. I don't want to give it up. They don't have autism. I am offended that anyone would actually buy into that line of BS that this is why there is an increase. I know many children that have stay at home moms and they still have autism or bi-polar or aspergers or speech impairments etc. Kevin being the ignoramous that he is needs to find some other books to read and educate himself. I am assuming he is not married and has no children.

You are so right on with this one. The other gross angle to the Angelina Jolie media saga is that the media paints a picture of Jennifer Aniston being left by Brad Pitt because she didn't pop out a kid soon enough. Because she wanted to make movies. And poor Brad just wanted a nice baby momma. The nerve of her ambition! Only Jennifer Aniston and Angelina have tabloid covers that say, "Where are Jen's babies!!!" and "Does Angelina pay enough attention to Shiloh?" Brad Pitt, meanwhile, is just cruising along. That's the other part of the circus that makes me want to puke.

Your anger is righteous and your truth is very needed.

Now I'm going to read the 70 other comments.

J-Lo's a working mom? Working her ass off in the gym, maybe, or working her credit card to a nub shopping–but other than that, does she really count as a "working" mom when she's not either making a movie or recording an album? Same for Angelina. And LMAO at the comment about her lugging babies around with those little stick arms–amen!

My feelings about this topic are all over the place. I was a stay-home mom for 8 years, and during that time thought moms who put their kids in daycare were selfish and were kidding themselves thinking the kids would be fine–obviously only a kid with a mom at home full time would be fine. If you stay home with kids and hang around with other stay home moms there is MUCH tongue clucking–and lashing–about selfish working moms and their poor neglected kids. It didn't help matters that I was raised being told by my stay-home mom that working moms were selfish and how it was so sad for the kids. The fact that this advice was being given by a woman who stayed married to a man who physically abused both her and the kids should have tipped me off, but somehow it took me about 35 years to make that connection and figure out maybe I was drinking the wrong KoolAid.

I was committed to being home with my kids because I honestly thought it was best for them– but I was miserable. I tried to be one of those women who LOVE being a mom and doing activities with the kids and have infinite patience; the truth was that I loved my kids but hated being a full-time mom, was bored, and was trapped in a horrible marriage because I had no income.

Once my kids were in school I went back to work–first part time then gradually to full time. Now I can't imagine not working–the idea of being a stay-home mom makes me hyperventilate with dread. School's out tomorrow and I cannot imagine what I'd do if it was just me and the kids all summer–damn right I'll be happy to be at work.

The problem is that the whole thing has so many facets–yes, I prefer to be at work, but when the kids are sick or school's out for whatever reason, part of me wishes I just was home and didn't have to worry about childcare. Do I think I'm a better role model to my kids as a working mom? Definitely. Do I feel guilty that I can't go on field trips? Yes–but at the same time I'm thankful I can use work as an excuse because I wouldn't want to go if I were home anyway. Try being a stay-home mom who opts out of any kid-related activity—it doesn’t go over too well.

I guess I'm just divided on the subject: I would like my kids to have a stay home mom, but I don't want to be a stay home mom.

I do have to say that if you haven't read Leslie Bennett's The Feminine Mistake, you should. If I had read that back when I was a stay home mom I wonder if it would have shocked some sense into me. Even if my husband became a millionaire I couldn't go back to being a stay-home mom after reading that book.

And Penelope–my hat's off to you for dealing with this stuff on top of parenting an autistic child. If I were you I'd want to scream at people who questioned me about my parenting–let them walk a mile in your shoes and I'm sure all you'd get would be a handshake and a bewildered "how do you manage?"

Penelope - you need to read this article.

It's a tie-in w/ what you are saying, but is about how we treat children like royalty - I think you are making a great point about "mommy porn." But there is also a new breed of "kindergarchy" where parents are expected to do everything for their kids, love them every minute of every day, play them mozart and bend over backwards to cater to their whims, just so they don't screw them up. Maybe they are still screwing them up. Maybe no one knows how to be a good parent.

Maybe you can love your job and spend 70% of your time at it, or be a mom spending your afternoons playing cards, leave your kids to fend for themselves, and they'll still turn out okay, love you, and you love them. Read the article.

This had me thinking for two days. You're right, there's no great role models for moms, and people are always going to critize/comment/judge your choices one way or another. No one critizes the men. I got "advice" from strangers since the moment I was pregnant (Why are you eating that?) until today (why are your kids in daycare full-time and you only work part-time?) and constantly feel on the defense (beacause I commute…so I can get stuff DONE…because, because…). Sometimes I actually lie to people about how much I work so they don't think I'm lazy, when the reality is I am afraid to admit that, as you said, I like my time at work away from the kids, I even like my commute so I can read and walk and think, and on my time off I actually take time to sit on my butt and watch TV sometimes. There. I SAID IT!

PS My husband has ZERO guilt. He is a teacher, home for the summer, and we are keeping our kids in daycare. Sure, they won't be there as long during the day, but if I were home for the summer without kids, can you imagine the questions I'd get? And when people question our situation, they question ME still, not HIM! They want to judge, but somehow know they'll get a reaction from me, while he's just like, "Hey, I tried it last summer, it sucked, so they're staying in daycare."