Keeping an eye on my career while I go through a divorce
Let me first say that my lawyer is not happy when I blog about my divorce. But now that I’ve been in a front-page article of the New York Times for blogging about the divorce, I think we’ve passed the point of discretion.
And anyway, I think it’s okay to blog because I am the transparent type, so it would be weird for me to have this huge thing in my life and not write anything about it. How is this blog at the intersection of work and life if I cut out the life?
Also, I noticed that Nino has started commenting on my recent divorce posts, and he seems to be updating my family about our divorce via Facebook, so at this point I feel that all is fair in social media. And maybe working out one’s divorce is going to be the killer app for Twitter.
So the first thing I’ve done to make sure the divorce doesn’t undermine my career is that I’m not pretending that it is irrelevant to my career. But here are some other steps I’ve decided are important for trying to keep both the divorce and the career on track.
1. Surround yourself with smart people. They’ll help you make faster progress.
I hired the two top attorneys. As if there is top anything in little Madison, Wisconsin. But alas, in any sea, there are big fish. I spend most of my time worrying that Nino routinely complains of me stealing our marital assets. Like, he’ll mention it while we’re watching a soccer game, or under his breath taking the kids to violin class.
Usually this accusation is reserved for men who buy a yacht and a condo for a hot little mistress and twelve first-class airfares to see her. So the accusation won’t hold for me. But still, my attorney decided that our best strategy is make sure that Nino has a great attorney so it is two smart lawyers who are used to negotiating with each other and things will go faster.
I hope this is a good strategy. If my site starts loading slower you’ll know that the lawyers have been so expensive that I had to cut back on bandwidth.
2. Be consistent — be the same in the divorce as you’d be in your work
Our first official divorce fight was Nino refusing to refer to me as Penelope in his emails. I told him he has to use Penelope, but I tried to say it in a nice email so that we were not having animosity. In my heart of hearts I still believe the most important thing is to be nice.
So we tried. He wrote a long email about how my old name—which I’m not even writing here because I’m so done with it—is more appropriate. I ignored the email. He ignored my pleas. It’s like we’re still married. Oh. Wait. We are.
3. Keep a sense of humor — it gives you fresh perspective.
Surprisingly though, our efforts to downplay the divorce animosity are paying off. For example, on Mother’s Day, Nino agreed to go on a hike with me and our kids and our eight-year-old neighbor who spends tons of time at our house. It was a big favor for him to do because I’m the one who really wants the kids to feel like we’re still a family, and I’m the one who likes hiking.
On the hike, the boys comforted me by being their normal boy selves, and they turned mud piles into cannon balls and every long stick became a sword. We sat down to rest at a campsite.
Nino said, “Wow, they have everything at the campsite, even a place to chop wood. If you have a hatchet.”
The eight-year-old neighbor says, “We have a hatchet at our house. My mom’s boyfriend bought it for her last Valentine’s Day.”
Nino and I looked at each other, incredulous, and smiled. And for one, small second I felt like we were a family—the parents sharing an inside joke while the kids try to kill each other.
4. Be a good time manager; the divorce takes time, so manage it well
Ignoring the fact that my lawyer’s time is probably more expensive than mine, I had him meet me at McDonald’s. I had breakfast with my two-year-old and then, while he was crawling up and down in Ronald’s Playland, I gave my lawyer a summary of our debts and assets. My son asked two or three times who the guy was. I said, “It’s my friend, Allan.” And as I said it I thought maybe this would make it so I get the hourly rate for friends. (Do divorce lawyers have any friends?)
My son offered Allan an ice cream, which he declined, (and then Allan’s clock ticked in Playland while I bought my son the most expensive ice cream ever purchased.) Then my son asked if Allan wanted to go down the slide. He asked if Allan was coming to our house. All this made me wonder about eventually bringing home some guy to live with us. Though honestly I can’t wrap my head around integrating another man into our life beyond some guy coming to Playland with us.
But I know it happens. I know that somehow women work this out in their lives. And since I learn so fast from stories, could people write stories in the comments section about how they introduced a step-parent successfully?
5. Be honest. If you are shady about your divorce people will think you’re shady about everything.
It would be so fake to tell you that I’m not worried. I’m very worried.
I’m worried that I’ll never fall in love. That’s normal, right? I mean, I know it’s normal if you are fifteen and get dumped, so it must be true now, too.
I’m also worried about money. How does anyone separate their career from their divorce? A divorce comes with a promise to earn a certain amount of money. All the things I’ve done in my life to insure that I have flexibility to do whatever career I want could be going down the tubes. I’m very scared about that.
I also worry that you are only reading this stuff because I’m a train wreck. People like reading about other peoples’ divorces because they feel better about keeping their own marriage together. So, okay. I hope I can make some of you feel smug today, because sometimes I write posts and I’m the one feeling smug. We should all get our chance.
KC: I’d guess it’s not an automatic defense of another guy. It’s a reaction to something that strikes most men as a little odd. It is definitely a gal thing to talk about personal feelings with others. Men do that much less than women do.
Penelope, I read this blog because you are honest and smart and I like the way you think about life. Not because I feel better about myself because you feel bad about yourself. Stick with it and you’ll make it through.
K.C. It’s because men don’t understand the need to do so. It is very odd. It serves no real purpose — the need for constant validation and affirmation are, generally speaking, not required to meet an objective. Penelope knows this. She just can’t help herself.
I don’t get the part about a divorce coming with a certain promise to earn money. Is that a typo? Careers come with a certain promise to earn money but not divorces…?
Here’s my advice: Be sure to speak with a therapist/coach on a regular (weekly?) basis. I imagine there are a lot of thoughts running through your head and you can’t necessarily express them to Nino, kids, friends, etc. Perhaps, blogging does for you what a coach/therapist does for others. Having gone through a lot in the past year, looking back, it would have been helpful to have one objective person, who watches for changes in your thoughts/behaviors and keeps an eye on you.
Good luck to you, Nino and your kids!
Penelope,
May I call you Penelope? j/k.
I’m a new reader from the past week, but you’ve become a daily page for me. I landed on a different page, but this post compels me to comment. I’ll share my experience, for what its worth.
I, too, as many other readers, have been through a divorce. It was finalized April 2006 and I’ve never been happier. We share a child together 50/50 and I’m currently incommunicado with my step daughter.
I haven’t dated much at all and I have little interest in doing so. One of the reasons for that has been my considering what are my hard and soft non-negotiables for dating. For example, I’ve already been a step-parent and I’m not interested in doing that again, thus I won’t date people with under age children (most of our generation at this time). That being said, I have many friends that are very close, all together satisfying many needs of emotional intimacy.
I’ve learned an incredible amount about boundaries and I’ve been able to apply them in all aspects of my life. I’ve also been able to convey them to my daughter, something I wasn’t able to do with my step-daughter. Learning about boundaries was initially essential because of the difficulties in communication with my ex, but they’ve become so much more.
I’ve gained so much self respect and respect for others that my insecurities from the past have disappeared. I’m clear that I’m leading a life of principle and responsibility that goes much deeper than ever before in my life.
After taking classes (Parent’s Turn and Kid’s Turn) here in San Diego, I learned about my child’s rights and honoring those has made co-parenting academic. My relation with my daughter is incredible and getting better every day. I’ve become so available as a parent, more so than I ever thought possible.
I spent my nest egg on lawyers (amongst other things) and yet the trial is still not over. I’ve learned through hindsight about choosing those types of financial battles. This one was not worth it, but I gained another invaluable lesson.
I’ve had many chances to practice discernment in all areas including who to introduce into my life, when and how. This applies to all my relationships.
All of these changes became possible due to the catalyst of divorce. I’ve gained clarity in every aspect of life, work included. I’m grateful every day for how my life has turned out.
I hope you have a sense of faith in things. My definition of faith has clarified as well and its rock solid. I always have something to fall back on.
Lastly, and I think this is the only suggestion I’m making, consider what you’re grateful for today. Regardless of what’s going on today, we’re not in Myanmar, and we’re not in Sichuan.
I’m honored that you would share so much of your life with me and I offer my support in kind. I wish you peace and commit to reminding you whenever you need that this too shall pass and everything will work out. I imagine things will be much greater than you can even imagine at this time, but I imagine you won’t see it coming like you expect. Thus, have faith!
To Rob, the lawyer who wonders why Penelope pays for expensive lawyers, then ignores their advice. Count the comments on this and other personal posts. Then compare to the counts on her standard posts.
Traffic is the currency of the net, baby.
* * * * *
Here’s a lesson in building traffic: It’s all about who is linking to you. And I get way more traffic for the straight career advice, because the biggest blogs are about business and productivity. Only a very few big web sites could possibly link to a post about my divorce.
–Penelope
P.
My ex and I were divorced in 2002, and we had it mediated. We knew exactly what we wanted, and it was a breeze. We signed all the papers, then went and had lunch together. (It was our 10th anniversary – it was the least I could do..)
We’re both MUCH happier people now. She’s remarried to a fantastic guy. My 13-year old son Noah loves his step-dad, and Tim’s son fron his first marriage has become Noah’s older brother. My ex is now actively trying to fix me up with a girlfriend of hers. Noah is growing up happy and healthy with two great male role models in his life. It’s not a bad situation at all!
At the other end of the spectrum: my parents were married for 38 years before my dad passed away in 1996. They barely spoke for the last 16 of those years. The tension, hostility, and anger in that household was so tough to deal with, that I basically left at 18 and never looked back. Only recently have I rekindled some semblance of a relationship with my Mom.
I ask your readers: which situation is worse?
Paul in DC
NoazDad
I enjoy so much of your posts because of your honesty – because you are brazen. I started reading your blogs because I felt that you and I share many perspectives about work and career. We both have somewhat of a “get real” attitude about the whole thing.
This post touched me, and raised so many memories of my own experiences during my divorce. 11 years later, the pain has softened. It will for you too, I promise. I identify with so many of your thoughts, and also live my life as an open book (which lets us have deep connections with people but also opens us up to some nasty criticism!)
I really like what Charlie had to say in response to your post. He is a smart cookie.
Feedback from my heart, woman to woman: During this tough time, I hope you try to carry yourself in a way that will allow you to look back with pride. I so enjoy reading your perspectives and really value your honesty. But, sometimes I cringe when you use your blog and twitter as a vehicle for dating, flirtation, and portraying yourself as available for sex. It may annoy and offend readers who look to you for relevant insight, and it could hurt your image (I sense that you care about preserving your dignity…) It’s almost like you’re throwing a nice dinner party, graciously greeting your guests and showing decorum at the table with a bit of fun piss and vinegar in your personality, and then suddenly horrifying everyone by leaving the bathroom door open while you use the toilet. I’m sorry if this seems judgmental – I just truly care about helping women move onward and upward in society, and I think that our behavior directly links to success, respect, self worth, and ultimately self fulfillment.
Thanks for this post. It was honest and open and true. I wish happy things for you.
My divorce was relatively painless and the impact on my worklife was minimal. But it was not effortless, I had to learn to compartmentalize the “working me” from the “getting divorced me”. Everyone deals with the pain of divorce differently. Some train for marathons, some drink too much. Some obssess and stalk, some go to Vegas and gamble. My advice would be – choose your ‘pain compartment’ carefully, the place that you put those emotions define what kind of person you are.
Penelope,
Is it too retro to recommend a book? This is a keeper (and between my current husband and myself, we’ve been married five times, so I know the terrain).
The title gives a clue: “Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce,” by Abigail Trafford. It’s $11.20 on amazon.com, and may well be the best money you’ll ever invest in this process. After I read it (in about one day) I not only understood my divorce, I finally understood my late marriage–in some ways, better than I had for 15 years.
I’m quite sure that you’re going to be perfectly fine, incidentally, from the way you sound. “Insanity” and “divorce” are joined at the hip, though. Expect that and be kind to yourself, your kids, and you future ex whenever possible.
@michele – as I posted previously, I appreciate your candidness and honesty about your divorce. But I agree that the posts/tweets about flirting, dating, waxing, etc were a little too ‘brazen’ – might be good for careers, but not appropriate for something so intimate and personal, esp given your situation.
I must say I have some agreement with Michele.
If you think, Penelope, of yourself and this site as a brand (as I suspect you might)I’m struggling with how you’re managing it right now.
One of the worst things that can happen with a brand is to change what the customer can expect of it, unexpectedly.
Customers will tolerate some of that, but boy, not much.
I know you’re feeling pain and heartbreak and confusion. Sharing those things with others thru a medium like this is a wonderful thing.
But is this the place to be doing that?
Put another way: the tagline of your brand is “Advice at the intersection of work and life.”
Is that still true?
Penelope,
Train wreck? I think not… more like real person. Other people might have a negative perception of you in this regard because unlike every other person in the media, you are honest about yourself and your life. Society is so accustomed to people in the media “spinning” things, that we have become desensitized to real truth. I think most people treat the real truth like it is some disease that will kill them because nothing they are exposed to is real any more… all sanitized, non-offensive, kid-tested, mother-approved, drivel. Kudos to you and people like you for refusing to compromise on this point!!
From what I hear lately, it seems like once a relationship (especially a marriage) starts to experience serious problems, the best thing to do is to end it, chalk it up to experience, and not do the same thing with your next partner.
My parents are a strange case…they used to bicker ALLLLLL the time (with a lot of tears on my mom’s part), and then my dad went into semi-retirement, and everything changed. I have two hypotheses about this. Either a) he’s not living his life on two hours of sleep anymore, b) he got older and less aggro as his testosterone count went down a little, c) his stress level decreased dramatically from having no kids in the house or d) some combination of all of these. Now their marriage is great, as far as I can tell.
Considering how many marriages I see fall apart or, in my parents case, how it takes 20 years of mudslinging and pain to make it to peace, I’m not sure I’m exactly stoked to get married. I know you’ll find another person to love, but is marriage even a good investment these days?
Hm… as a newish reader, especially as one subscribed via email, I was surprised to see how personal and angry the comments on this entry were. Obviously we all bring some baggage with us and sometimes end up projecting it onto bloggers as much as anywhere else, but I wonder if the level of resistance and vitriol here has more to do with changing the brand, as Rcket suggested you were doing.
I don’t know, maybe this percentage of personal and accusatory comments is normal around here. I think it’s terrible boundaries to bitch someone out in their own blog, especially someone who’s actually a stranger. But it happens. Sometimes.
Still, this is too much (for my taste anyway) and it seems to be a lot angrier in here than in the comments I’ve seen on your other posts so far. I wonder if some readers are feeling betrayed (subconsciously) because the rules seem (to them) to have changed, and that’s making them snippier about stuff they might not agree with but might otherwise overlook.
Personally, I like the “life” stuff, and I don’t find that this sets off any of my buttons, even though it may not all be how I would do it – and, as a new reader, I don’t have many expectations set up yet. In fact, the “life” stuff is what piqued my interest in the blog. Well, not just the life stuff, but the clarity *and* transparency with which you write about everything.
Divorce topics are slowly become excessive here.
@may – agree completely. We have passed the intersection of Work and Life and are now barrelling down the Divorce Highway at mach 10.
@Kim/Kristen/HeeHee,
As someone who has read all of your comments, both deleted ones and not, and recognized you as one and the same persona by your subject matter and level of anger, may I suggest this blog as a more appropriate place for you to share your frustrations…http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-blog.html
For those folks who don’t appreciate P’s tweets on sex and bikini waxes, I suggest you “unfollow” her on Twitter. It’s a completely separate app, not her blog.
Quit mixing up the two. And don’t dwell on the past, she did have Twitter on her blog, but it’s gone now.
As I see it, Penelope was using this life-changing experience to draw parallels to how we deal with other aspects of our lives, especially work. I like that holistic point of view. It’s those of us who were commenting that focused on divorce. Penelope used examples from her experience to give us insights into our lives generally. I like this approach; it is integrating. Let’s look at what she really was saying: Surround yourself with smart people. Be consistent. Keep your sense of humor. Manage your time well. Be honest. How is this not the essence of crisis management? It’s those of us who sympathize with the anguish of divorce who focused on that instead of the life-lessons she offered. This is a matter of OUR perspectives, not hers. She’s still right there finding the nugget of truth in the midst of difficulty and offering us advice that carries well into ANY crisis: a layoff; a national tragedy; an environmental disaster; an Enron. Let’s step back a little and see the gem she really gave us here.
@kristi – yup, Twitter is gone from the blog and now I know why…I’m guessing someone other than us posters thought some of the subjects more appropriate for tweeting than blogging…
I feel your pain Penelope. Earlier this year, my wife returned from here tour in South Korea and told me she wanted a divorce. I found out through a little snooping (is it wrong to snoop?)that she had met a Canadian online playing World of Warcraft.
It has been 3 months since she got back, under Texas law , we can’t file for divorce until 6 months after we moved here. Since I was a stay at home dad before we moved to texas, I had been out of regular full time work for 4 years. I decided that in the best intrest of me, and my 4 year old daughter, that I should go back to school. Now that I am back in school and working full time to save up for the cost of the divorce and moving out on my own, I realize how hard it’s going to be trying to balance my school, my daughter, and my job.
The wife and I are trying to keep everything as cordial and friendly as possible considering the circumstances. We both realize that fighting isn’t going to solve anything, and it’s certainly not going to be healthy for our daughter. Sometimes I just feel like it’s not going to work out the way we want it too.
All in all, It’s a challenge. Balance is the key and finishing my schooling is the most important item on my list right now. Earning my degree will allow for me to provide for my daughter the way she wants, and deserves. It will also allow me to live my life the way I want to.
I’m also with you on the whole “Another Man” issue. I couldn’t even fathom brining another woman into my life, although my wife has already brought another one into hers (even though we’re not divorced yet).
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out for you.
John H
Cost of Divorce: Divide your available money by the attorney's hourly fee. You will come close. The attorneys will set up a payment plan for the balance due.
Learn from a Story: Read the Marriage Dissolution and Family Law from your state. The judge will use this law as the basic format for any settlement. Even if you have attorneys, read it to know what the law provides.
Negotiate: Divorce is not a sport to win. Everyone loses. Your relationship with your spouse is now a business deal with an emotionally charged past. Make a deal that you can accept for now. Kids get older. The terms and conditions of custody change and visitation change.
God bless you as you go through it.
Penelope,
I love you, man. In a Bud Light sort of way. No, I don’t think it’s normal to wonder if you’ll ever fall in love. It’s normal to expect it. But to doubt is, I think, the more rational response. I wonder how many divorces have their genesis in people’s convincing themselves that they’re in love.
Yeah, there is that rubbernecking aspect to this whole thing, but don’t hold it against us. That’s the nature of story. Your life is a story and you have that rare gift of being a great story teller, and you demonstrate that every time you tie in seemingly unrelated parts of the story to convey your theme. The name usually associated with the term “trainwreck” these days is Britney. But if we use her as the standard for trainwreck, you’ve got to acknowledge that you’re still on track, if suffering from a little loss of steam. And even then you’re funny as hell.
P, thanks for having the guts to reveal your truths and insecurities, your beauty and fears. I’ve often thought how cool would it be if everyone got a free Ed Debevic’s day, and got to say what they were really thinking.
Train wreck? You are undergoing the crash of the Old 99. In technicolor.
Just take a look at 2008 so far – fired by Yahoo, dragged into a divorce. You may still be at the Boston Globe, but no recent columns are appearing on their website. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that not all is peachy with the start up, if only because start ups are so intense on their own and all this extra personal intensity may be a bit much for the other team members.
Part of me reads your blog for the same reason I riffle through the tabloids at the supermarket checkout lines. Part of me wishes you weren’t distracted by all this personal stuff, because I think this level of personal angst is not, overall, helping your writing on career topics. Divorce with kids is, after all, old people stuff. All this divorce and custody stuff just underscores how much closer you are to being the mom of a Gen Y worker than a Gen Y, which can’t be good for your brand position.
It will be interesting to see where it ends up. You are a survivor, so I don’t see you going down for the count. You will bounce back, personally, and professionally if need be. You may need some serious reinvention. You will still certainly have issues. But you will survive. It will be interesting to see how it all works itself out. I am just glad to be watching it, not living it.
WOW, I am surprised about some of the negative comments on this posting. Some of them seem downright abrupt and judgemental.
I salute you, Penelope for going public with your feelings/thoughts about the divorce. Your voice is built on transparency and insight, and life trauma, although terribly painful, it only fosters it.
We live in a world with a blurring division between play and work. We work long, or different hours, location is not relevant. We think of work when we are home. We think of home when we are at work.
Why would we not accept and talk openly about how life changing situations (divorce) can impact our work and how to face it? It’s unrealistic and silly to think they are not. And sharing information is a method of coping for some of us, and new readers like me enjoy and appreciate the openness and advice.
I am going to share a story…
I went to a business meeting a week ago and the person who we just met told us how his 30 year old sister was diagnosed with skin cancer. Initially she was told she had 1 year to live, then a few days before she was told she had only 14 days left. The story was shared in the beginning of the meeting, and at the end of the 2 hours the person got a call from his family announcing that his sister just died! This person could have been with his sister, at home or in the hospital, instead of having an initial business meeting that could have waited for sure, if we knew…
And his first reaction, after the call, was “let’s finish the business meeting”! And I do not think he was not affected, but he thought he was expected to finish the meeting, to stick to business because this is what we are supposed to do …To separate work and life and not show that our personal life can at times impact us from all places, at work…???
We were speechless! Needless to say after that meeting we thought long of what’s really important in life and how a lot of the times we make decisions that end up putting work ahead of our family or what we want.
Penelope, one more thing, I am really sorry for what you’re going through. At the end, I trust you’ll come out stronger and better.
I, for one, am only reading because–yes–who doesn’t love a train wreck!
@JimC and Rob: The fact that this is not something that men generally do does not in itself make it odd. Women make up half the population so something that women in general do can not by definition be odd.
While not blogging about your divorce may seem uncomfortable or “shady,” you may find that blogging about it (and quite frankly, airing your dirty laundry) is far more destructive to both of you and your children than it is theraputic or honest or whatever.
There’s a time and a place for transparency and a time for discretion.
Your ability to be honest, vulnerable and relevant without crossing over into narcissism is what makes your blog remarkable. What makes it addictive, is that despite your many successes, your life can be messy, too. It takes guts to write with generosity and it takes talent to make it look easy. I know from experience that the upside of going through a lot of crap is having some great stories to tell. In the blog genre, I guess you have to decide if you want to be a resource or a presence.
Often, when I finish reading one of your posts, I think, “Oh, they’re going to tear Penelope a new one this time!” And, they sure try, but you keep coming back! Thank you for that!
@Caitlin: I don’t think you read the comment(s) carefully. These were responses to a question by KC about why men were more critical in their comments.
@Caitlin: It’s not odd that women communicate with other women differently than men to men. What makes it kind of odd is that this communication is being done in a forum that includes men if they wish to read it. Normally, men are excluded from “girl talk”. I can see the point that it is probably not good to communicate everything in public, which is what Penelope is doing in this blog. I don’t know if she should be applauded for her openness or questioned for her disregard for her family’s privacy. Communicating your problems with close friends or counselors is one thing. Broadcasting them to the entire world will invite criticism and accolades. I think we discover, at least in a general way, how different we (men and women) look at what is going on in Penelope’s life. We also see how each gender tends to show its disdain for the other gender, each side thinking the other is the evil one.
Just remember, you have made your personal life a public spectacle for quite some time. Your hubby will definitely have some ammunition being you decided to make your private marital problems something for the masses to read daily. Best of luck…you are going to need it.
@gt – well put.
Penny,
Nobody ever really recovers from divorce… don’t even try! Just live one day to the next for a while and eventually the pain becomes discomfort, and the discomfort becomes barely noticeable – except around mutual friends and family:)
I found your blog today. I came looking for career advice/topics. You have great career advice. Smart, direct strategies. Things I will share with other people.
And then I found this alarmingly exposed personal life. Wow. I give you much respect for blogging about your kids and divorce.
But after thinking what to write as a comment (I had to, of course) I realize how honest your career-oriented blogs are. And I guess I am not surprised that your posts about your personal life would be just as straight forward.
Its got to be scary where you’re standing. But after reading about you for a couple hours (here’s where I act like I have advice for you) you seem so strong. I think you can handle this. OK – enough of me acting like I know what you are going through.
Thanks for posting. Keep moving forward.
By the way – I like how you apply and connect the events in your personal and business lives to each other. I like doing that too.
I like my career to define part of who I am. I am a graphic designer, husband, dad, brother, son, Catholic, community advocate, the list goes on…
I think all the parts make a better whole. And I can use the different parts to supplement and enhance the others.
That you have sacrificed your children for your career is sad. Divorce is terrible for children. We have been married 23 years and yes, we had times where the grass looked greener on the other side of the fence. However, we learned that the grass is greener where you water it. As an ENTJ male and fellow writer, I understand your zeal to be published and successful. It was a very big deal for me the first time I was published in a national magazine. Now I wonder what I was striving for; fame, fortune, happiness? I find more happiness and fulfillment working one-on-one with individuals and families helping them enrich their lives and focus on their families. I hope you find peace in your life. Undressing yourself in public for money seems an odd way to seek fulfillment and happiness. Do you not feel a little like a stripper at the Internet Bar of leering readers?
Before your divorce, had you suffered real loss? Our lives are dated before and after the death of our 19-year-old son. I pray you never face such an ordeal, standing at the bedside of your dying child, bargaining with God to exchange your life for your child’s. It is at such an intersection of life and work that clamoring for fame and fortune becomes petty and trifling. I hope you find wisdom in your public stripping which can be difficult in the heady flood of success. I have not read enough of your writing to know if you have a spiritual base. Whether you believe in Christianity or no, the Bible has succinct guidelines for life. Have you sought a spiritual counselor in your geographic area? In your youthfulness you feel invincible, but at some time your body will tell you that you are no longer young — and at that point wisdom and understanding will be more available to you.
If you have not already shut me off, I offer two humble suggestions: Solomon was known as the wisest man of his time who enjoyed riches and fame and unbounded sex and sensuality. He is the author of Ecclesiastes: “What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation comeht: but the earth abideth forever.” Our American culture hypes riches, riches, riches, yet our truth it this: “As he came forth of his mother’s womb, naked shall he return to go as he came, and shall take nothing of his labor, which he may carry away in his hand.”
Should you wish to communicate with a fellow ENTJ who is now 59 years old and glad to be freed from the siren call of publishing fame and fortune, I offer my address. Sincerely, Robert
Holy cow! Congratulations to Robert Cullen for the single best comment I have ever read on any blog, about anything, ever.
I like reading your blog, but its not because of the divorce. I’m a single young guy. I like the honesty you exude in your writing about your divorce, although it seems like you have been integrating a lot of your divorce details lately, which sometimes, may not be of too much interest to me — given my demographic (no marriage, no kids, no gf, but focused on career)
I’ve been there. My children were 3 & 5. The best way I was able to keep my sanity (if, in fact, I did) was to throw myself into my work. Yes, work became my escape. It was those hours every day that I had the kind of distraction that allowed me to focus just on work. Divorce is tough, but you just have to get through that awful process in order to move to another place. Yes, it took a long time, but now it’s a fading memory. I’m even friendly with my ex . . . many years later.
I just found you by googling “marriage counseling.” Just wanted to let you know that even though I read through your fulfillment blogs, it’s not because of the train wreck factor.
Thanks for sharing. I think that it’s been helpful.