The mixed fonts in your post look really classy. A couple of hours until the red lines through the words appear in my RSS feeder? You do need a 'person who makes up for the deficiencies' in your blogs presentation, grammar, spelling etc. (I wouldn't dare to venture a title, since I'm not in book publishing and therefore couldn't possibly know the proper title. Not that I'm sure what blogs and book publishing have in common that scientific editing don't, but never mind.)

I'm still not sure why the kids to begin with? Were they happy accidents? It doesn't sound like you are particularly focused on anything more than yourself and your career.
What is this need to always be out their advancing and achieving? Someday you are going to realize how pointless it has all been and you will have wasted so much time and energy that you could have been using to 'live your life'. By live your life, I mean spending time with friends and family, taking in a movie, going to the theater, watching tv or reading a great book. THOSE are the things that matter.
*********
Probably the hardest thing I've done since I've had kids is work on figuring out what is fulfillment to me. What do I need to feel intellectually satisfied? What does it mean to be an ENTJ? What do I need to give as a parent in order to feel like a "good" parent? What do I need to give to friends and family and what do I need to take for myself. These are very very difficult questions. I was a stay-at-home mom for a bit. And I have to tell you that I was absolutely blown away by how wrong that life was for me. I was a latchkey kid and hated it, and I always expected to be home with my own kids. It is so hard to know ourselves. We think we know ourselves, and then something changes. My favorite discussions are the ones where we are all honestly trying to do this together.
-Penelope

Also, thanks for fixing the crazy mixed fonts.

I am a working mom of one with a husband who's never home and suddenly feel very, very depressed. Misguided, I thought I could do it all.
And people, who cares about the fonts? Read the post a couple of days ago about typos.

First of all. I am not using an RSS Feeder, and her post on her website looks just fine.

Those of you with readers may want to stop jumping to conclusions. Maybe something happened in the conversion in sending out your reader.

Nope, technology is perfect, can't be the RSS feed, must be Penelope.

Secondly, my wife travles 100% for her job and we both have full time jobs. When she is out of town, I am basically a single parent. it is not easy to come home from work, get the kids to soccer practice / tutoring / games / do homework / clean house / make dinner / do bills.

Most nights I do not get to bed until after midnight. I catch up on my sleep on weekends.

I have help too. I have someone watch the kids after school and someone who cleans our house every other week.

It is just the way it is.

Hi Penelope. I'm asking this sincerely, what does a house manager do that a cleaning person, nanny and personal assistant does not? Is it more of a running errands and keeping your personal (as opposed to professional) calendar thing? This is the first I've heard of it and I'm curious.

Where's the value in sacrificing your interaction with your family to pursue greater material rewards and upward mobility? Will it make you happier?

The stuff we acquire in life is filler and is so impermanent, it is the interaction with those we love that lasts forever. Anything else is just a temporary high.

I find it interesting that people talk about how meaningless this blog is, but then write multiple paragraphs about it. If something triggers so much emotion, then it has to have meaning with you, whether you want to acknowledge it or not…

Penelope, keep it coming… If everyone loved your posts, you wouldn't have a career…

Well said. I've always thought that cloning myself would be the perfect solution. Woman at home, woman at work.

I'm a SAHM who finds satisfaction in my life…but let me tell you, there are many things that "Mommy" does not have to do that can easily be outsourced.

I don't for a moment fault you for hiring help to accommodate your busy life and help you build success. But it's not for everyone. I think there's a lot to be said for the argument that women need to redefine business success on our own terms.

Work life balance shouldn't mean superwoman doing it all, with or without help. There has to come a point where success is measured in the balance itself. I work, I have a good professional reputation, I enjoy what I do, and I have time for personal endevours. The Gen Y folk seem to be heading more in that direction. Why shouldn't we help push society in that way? If we really want to enjoy both work and personal lives, let's just redefine success.

Carla

* * * *

The problem with this line of reasoning is that it assumes that fulfilling looks similar to everyone. I think some people are more competitive than others, some people are more intense than others, everyone's natural pace is different. The most competitive aspects of the business world cater to a very certain type of person, and the stay-at-home life that includes sewing and cooking and home schooling caters to another type of person. And there are all the people in between. The people in between need some sort of balance to feel fulfilled. The people at the two ends of the spectrum probably don't need as much of the half-and-half thing for their fulfillment.

-Penelope

I found this post fascinating and forwarded it to a couple of my working mom friends with a note that said "this has a lot of truth to it." THEN I read the comments. Wow. You know how to get people riled up!

My takeaway from this post AND from my own experience is that a pursuing a career and being serious about family are two full-time endeavors. Whatever your gender, you can't do both well AND keep your sanity… you need HELP. Better to admit it and make the changes that you have to make in order to LIVE than to go on in denial popping xanax and feeling miserable.

I second bananas, I really liked the honesty of your post and then was surprised at the polarized comments. I guess this is a really hot issue, the balance of work and home life. I like that you put this all out there, and talk honestly about the types of sacrifices that you make and see other people making. Thanks!

I think you guys are missing the most important part of this post. Somewhere a woman is being $50K per client to be a "house manager" where said clients already employ a nanny and a maid. How do I get this job? Seriously.

Just wanted to say something to those who say Penelope has lost a grip on reality.

One of the most compelling things about this blog is that it IS Penelope’s reality. I get frustrated reading other career blogs where the writers dance coyly around personal issues. The personal is part of what allows us to succeed or fail in our careers. What’s brazen about Penelope is that she talks about things other people are afraid to address. (And really, what grown person is unable to handle a frank mention of health, sexual or relationship issues online?)

Hiring a house manager is not a reality for me, or for most people – but it is for Penelope, and obviously for enough others that she was able to find an experienced house manager where she lives.

And the interesting personal story proves the bigger point that she talks about all the time: it is not possible to have it all, be the best, and do it alone – for women or men. We make choices and sacrifices in our careers and our families all the time, and most of us have the best intentions but don’t know how to make it work.

The advice here is always interesting and thought provoking, even if it doesn’t specifically apply to everyone’s reality.

I'm a stay-at-home dad who runs his own business (5 years running, thank you) and it's all about choices. If you want a stellar career, maybe kids aren't for you. If you want kids, you might have to sacrifice that corner office.

I clean, I cook, I change diapers, and I'm waiting until the kids are both in school to focus more on business. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

But that's me.

You must make a ton-O-money.
A house manager for 50,000
A full-time nanny est. 40,000
Cleaning service est 15,000
Total $105,000.00

The average household brings in around $40,000.

You spend two and a half times what an average household brings in on support.

Like I said you must make a ton-O-money

I am totally for getting help, but this seems excessive to me. I'm a single mother, travel 25% of the time for a demanding job but have no domestic help other than friends to keep the kids while I'm travelling. You employ 3 people to help, so essentially, if you were not working, you'd still need 2 people to help?

The thing I think is hilarious about you, Penelope, is that you equate your career/success to some high-powered exec's career. From what I have read, you haven't had a lot of success. You sure Daddy isn't paying the $105,000?

Thanks you Penelope for voicing what so many ambitious, career-oriented women are or have already experienced. We are part of a generation of women who are struggling at the crossroads of "You can be anything" and "You can't have it all." I like hearing what choices you've made and why, and I admire your courage in documenting and encouraging the debate. My decisions might be different, but I'm still trying to balance the same set of variables – career, relationship, parenting and sanity. Keep blogging, we need your voice!

I completely agree with hiring whoever it takes to run a smooth household. If you've got the money do it.

But here's the glitch. Do it for your kids, not for yourself. Kids thrive on stability, consistency, routine, familiarity, guidance, attention and on and on. All of these give them a sense of security and well-being.

I can't help but notice Penelope's verbage in her response: "What do I need to feel intellectually satisfied? … What do I need to give as a parent in order to feel like a “good” parent? …What do I need to give to friends and family and what do I need to take for myself. "

What do I need? I, I, I. Me, me, me.

If you have kids, it's no longer about you. It's about the kids. What do you need to do so the kids feel secure? What do you need to do as a parent, so you ARE a good parent to your kids – not so you FEEL like a good parent.

Put the cell phone down. Close up the laptop. Spend your time with your kids and give them your focus. They need to know they are more important than your work.

They are, aren't they?

I'm just amazed that there's this implicit assumption that those of us who don't make a six-figure salary have oodles of time to clean house, run errands, etc. I make a bit over 65K and work very hard, and hiring anyone to help out beyond the kid who mows the lawn for $20 every other week is out of the question.

And you live in Madison. And you work at home. I'm just agog, is all. I would love to have a rich husband or money to hire the equivalent, but most Americans are cutting back, not scaling up, in this recessionary economy.

Overall, great post. I continue to read your blog because you are someone who is finally honest about the demands of work, home, kids and actually puts a dollar value figure on it. The book "The 2 Income Trap" basically echoes your conundrum in that people don't realize the true value of a stay at home spouse.

At a previous job in public accounting I regularly worked 60 hour weeks plus traveled 10 weeks a year and worked as much as 80 hr weeks sometimes. Many people at that job always seemed to talk around the problems you mention here and I often wondered if their kids could even identify them in a police line up. I also wondered if some of them would have gotten divorced if only they had had time to do it.

Keep doing posts like this.

BTW, I don't use RSS and the fonts and colors look perfectly fine to me

Three thoughts:

1. No seriously, tell us more about a house manager. Because I googled it and have seen it as part of a broader job description (nanny/housekeeper/house manager), but what does just a house manager entail?

2. You are right that noone would blink if a man wrote about this. Not. At. All. Every male executive I've dealt with had a wife/PA/company assistant. One in my current office has three assistants just for work, one just to read his email (and she makes $50k).

3. HOPEFULLY, what shocks some people is not that you're a woman hiring a house manager, but more the unfathomable life of the "executive". I suppose that you're right that working to death brings you absolute pleasure and satisfaction, whereas chilling on a tropical island would give you hives. Look at those shows about the fishermen and loggers who have lost limbs and state that they hope they die "dropping dead on the job". For a lot of us, that mentality is absolutely insane, but I suppose its as valid as anything else. And you're supporting those of us who prefer to chill out on those tropical islands….

I used to be a nanny for a very successful woman in Manhattan. While the kids were at school, I took care of everything that a house manager would. She also paid me extra to put together dinner parties, and would hire extra help while I oversaw the preparation, etc. While she paid fairly, it wasn't anywhere as much as you're spending. How about adding some job responsibilities onto the positions that you already pay for? That said, having all of that help sounds wonderful.

Penelope,

I especially agree with the saying that a woman can have two of three things: a husband, kids, a career. I just returned to work after having a baby. The reality is that I'm not nearly as productive or spectacular at work as I used to be. In fact, I think I'm a pretty lousy worker. I come in at 8 and I'm out at 5 (not a minute more or less) AND I turn my company cell phone off when I leave the office. I do just enough to be considered a satisfactory team member – and our engineering department just went UNION. However, I think I'm pretty damn good at meeting my husbands needs as a spouse and a pretty spectacular momma to my baby. My husband and I have also made critical choices/sacrifices to ensure that we at least get the most family time with each other. We are a two income family in San Francisco, CA – not exactly the most affordable place to live. Rather than move to the suburbs and battle a 1-2 hr commute plus $$$$ gas and bridge tolls, we decided to stay in our loft. Our work commute is about 10 minutes each by car. We have our daughter in daycare while we're at work and we pay $1300 a month. We also pay a cleaning lady $60/week. The day is still hectic even with all this help. The important thing is that we work as a team and we put priority on our family. Since I met my husband and we had a baby, reaching the top of the corporate ladder no longer appeals to me. That type of role/position will not fulfill my need to feel significant. My husband loves me so very much; my baby loves me….this is what makes me feel significant and special; nothing else. Being at the top in my career would ultimatley mean less time with my family. More money, YES. But consider the trade-off. Definitely not worth it to me or my husband. I know that you are now a single mom with a child with autism. It is expensive to care for a child with autism. You're in a tough situation and it no one who hasn't been in your shoes can criticize your choices. Good luck. God Bless.

Grace from SF

It seems like a just read a column where you said women were no longer interested in being above the "glass ceiling" because what was above it was so absurd. Actually, it was a column from a recycled or modified blog entry.

Anyway, it seems that you've decided to go above the glass ceiling and are discovering, as you pointed out in your column that "women CEOs don't raise their own children, someone else does"…they probably don't manage their own home either.

Everything comes back to choices and the run off of those choices, which is, of course, complicated. The choice to have children is laden with sacrifice and any person or couple not planning for that (especially "high powered" career couples) is foolish. The choice to exit a marriage when the children are small and need so much attention, well that has consequences too.

I would argue that if you could modify your expectations (and you would have to after having the limelight on you your entire life) to truly be in the presence of your children and enjoy raising them, you could probably work less and be there more. But you have to adapt, your children can't…they are, after all, children.

I agree that having someone home is a tremendous bonus. With 15 years professional experience and my Master's, I left a dreamy, lucrative job to be home full time with two children. It is hard but this window is so small; they are young so briefly. And the opportunity so great (how awesome to be able to scale back our lifestyle and have someone home), that it is worth it.

I don't think you have to justify having a house manager but I think you should understand what is happening internally with your professional, personal choices (which are very public) that drives the need for more and more help.

I'm glad to hear you hired a house manager because if that's what it takes to give you quality time with your kids, time for yourself, ability to concentrate on your career, and maintain a sane household then you made the right decision. You especially have a lot on your plate right now with your divorce and new start up company. You may be able to find a less expensive or a better arrangement in the future but I think you've taken a good first step forward and you'll learn by doing which is what you do.

As a 24 year old woman wanting "to have it all" one day (and now wondering just how that's going to happen) – I appreciate the honesty.

Of course, I could have just looked at my mother – she's a fantastic mom, a caring wife and a CFO. And I haven't known her to get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep in a good many years. That's with my dad staying home to raise me.

Thanks for a good read, Penelope.

Love your blog, support your decisions, not that we should have to when, as you mentioned, men already have all these things at home as a housewife.
Having read your prior posts on hiring help, I'm hoping and praying I'll be in an economic position to hire help when needed.
In my country (a 3rd world one) we have servants. (The next few posts will now be bashing me). My mother is a senior economist and government advisor, my father busy with his professional life. My uncle is a CEO, his wife a university professor. All high-powered families need staff to take care of the mundane things: chauffer, cook, cleaner and maybe gardener. And they don't have young kids, for those that do it's usually two more "nannies".
Good for you P, I hope you get everything you want from life. Life is short, and those who are saying you need to spend time with your kids… well, my mom was always a professional, I do remember not wanting to be with babysitters and the like, but I'm also very close with her, and I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing a high-powered career. Good luck.

I fear you will end up having a great deal of regret, one day, for these decisions you are making.

You are sacrificing your children on the altar of your personal comfort.

How far we've departed from the days of our grandparents and their grandparents… who sacrificed so much for us.

If you get nothing from my comment – get this… please ponder my last question.

Doesn't it bother you that you're letting *someone else* raise YOUR children?

All this makes me jealous of polygamists. It just seems like it takes more than two adults to raise a family these days. Years ago mothers stayed at home, and there were often extended families. So I guess the question to ask is would you rather have three husbands to deal with or one along with his mother and father?

Penelope,

Great post, and I see nothing wrong with having a house manager, or any other support that helps you run your business and home smoothly.

But, and I'm surprised no one else commented on this…you really should have your own bedroom! Sleeping in the kids room is bizarre, surely you can afford a room of your own? Your kids need their own space too.

Oh my word. Yes. Totally. I was forced out of a job (not fired, but definitely pushed) after having my second kid because my boss thought I wasn't keeping it together. She said lots of my colleagues had babies and could still stay late for a last-minute meeting. That's true, but all the other people had stay-at-home wives.

Also, for everyone who says working moms let someone else raise their kids: you have no idea what you're talking about. No, seriously, you don't. Just stop it already.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to respond to this post. It’s hard to characterize my reaction. What I’ve always liked about B.C. and P.T. has been the universality…that there were things which I could relate to, even if my end-goal wasn’t creating a company or ending up in a C-level exec. suite.

The posts I’m seeing lately seem more purposefully controversial, strident, even bitter. The advice (plastic surgery is the way of the future successful person in business, being an exec makes impossible demands on personal life) seems more about justifying what P.T. is choosing to do now, than it is about something really relevant. And as someone who’s been part of this blog community for several years now, it’s also pretty contradictory to earlier posts.

It just seems less relevant. Actually, it just really seems kind of sad.

Nice to see that sexism is alive and well. Negative comments like this would not be posted if P was a man.

I actually don't think the vitriolic comments are about gender (at least not entirely). I think it's more about money and class. I think people are angry that you said, "$50,000." I think you're being judged most harshly for that.

Anyways, I'm single and responsible for no one but myself and I still needed to hire a dog sitter 5 days a week. :)

Wow — this is a topic that everyone has an opinion on. Sounds like we need some national therapy, regardless of where you sit on this issue and how you balance career and famiy! I was moving up the ladder swiftly before having my daughter. I thought I would stay home for 3 weeks and run back to work. I stayed home FT for three years, and now have a very different outlook on life and a very different career. Here is what I believe, as contradictory as it sounds (1) only you know what is best for you and how you can best contribute to this world, (2) P is very lucky to have the CHOICE to hire help, have a lucrative career, etc — think about all of those families stuck in the middle with more demands on them and less resources to help, (3) our country needs to take a hard look at itself and what we are doing to families, children, etc. There must be a better way, and (4) I do miss a fast-paced career. I definitely miss the salary and respect. But every time I see my daughter learn something new, or skip through the park, or smile at me – I know there is no place I would rather be. It is hard to admit – but I was easily replaced in my old job. No one can ever truly replace the important role a Mom plays in her childrens' lives.

Penelope, great post!

I have seen this or similar topics addressed on your blog before and I always find it interesting that whatever choice anyone has made (career v family) they always feel morally justified…and seem to feel somewhat guilty/defensive as well.

There seems to be research available to support any decision you make. I work from home and my wife stays at home. So we both see the kids off to school, and we are there when they get back. We coach little league, never miss a game or a recital. Once a month I travel…maybe for 3 days. My kids have a fit when I leave. I used to have a job, where I traveled 75%. My kids had a fit when I left then too.

The point is that your kids want 100% of your time, no matter the circumstances. Since this is impossible, you have to find something that works for you as well. Kids will adapt, and if you tell them that you love them enough, they will know it is true.

Like a couple other people, I'm really curious about what your house manager's responsibilities are, which is what prompted me to leave a comment. Like so many of your posts, I found this one totally fascinating, thought-provoking and honest. To me, your insights about work and life usually seem dead-on. Thanks for pushing the conversation to a higher and really interesting level.

Good – perhaps you can manage to shovel your front sidewalk next winter!

Take a look @ these 2 books Penelope, possibly they'll help put your life into perspective.. Pursuing material gains at the expense of all else will never fill your bucket or your life.

Power of Now
A New Earth

both by Ekert Tolle, he isn't saying many things that are new, but reiterating and amalgamating various wisdons for our generation. Read them with an open mind.

I must add a couple of extra thoughts. Years ago I was good friends with a woman whose life was pure clutter. She and her husband had no children but he was a traveling computer consultant, so was away a lot of the time. Her comment to me, facing the inevitable clutter, was "I need a wife." Every woman I've repeated that to, including the one I live with, has nodded in agreement.

Now the nasty questions. Are men incapable of caring for children and managing a household? Are they unwilling to do so? Is some code of masculine honor at stake? In 1982 my then-wife spent two or three days in the hospital. I became Mr. Mom. We had two kids, five and two years old. Those days were a nightmare. I called my wife one evening after I finally got the boys settled in. I had poured myself an 8-ounce tumbler of cheap scotch. I put on the Met Opera production of "La Boheme." I whined into the phone "When are you coming home? I had no idea of what you did all day!" She almost fell out of her hospital bed laughing.

I know a man now who is Mr. Mom. He's getting $80K a year disability for PTSD after he saw people flipping out of windows onto the pavement at the Trade Center on 9/11. His wife makes more than that. He loves being a househusband.

Another wonderful post – attested to by the HUGE number of comments! I LOVE that you are hiring the support that you need to make life less stressful for EVERYONE in your family – this is an amazing accomplishment, perhaps better than many of the rewards of corporate life.

I don't have children, and I don't want them, for some of the reasons stated above – I KNOW I cannot be supermom/wife/worker. The work I've chosen in the non-profit world is important to me, but not lucrative enough to hire the help I would need to find balance as a parent and person. As an INTJ, I know that I need time to re-charge my batteries!

BRAVO for sharing your life, and how you do it, with all of us!

Okay Penelope lots of great points within this Blog but, are you kidding me? Running a household and being a stay at home Parent is a demanding job but come on, a house manager??? In addition to a nanny??? Most of us that sold our soul to the Devil known as Corporate America would trade it for a second. I hate to get sexist here but I'm going to just for a few minutes. I'm getting tired of hearing how hard it is being a stay at home mom boo hoo. Being a stay at home parent is a choice that most of us would jump on in a second if we had the means.

When my wife became pregnant with our son, we made a choice. One of us would be a stay at home parent. Not only did I volunteer for this job, it made financial sense to do so since she was bringing home 65% of our household income. But, my wife wanted to be a stay at home mom even though she was further along in her career then I was. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what she does more then anything in the world and you are correct on the point that it creates an advantage for me in my career. That being said, lets really take a look at why people think it's so damn much work.

I blame it on Spoiling our children. How did our parents with 5 kids pull this off with a fraction of the money? It's simple, most of us born before 1980 were expected to pull our own weight (within reason and in proportion to our age). We had chores. Not bogus ones, like you see today, we actually cleaned our room, took care of the garbage, mowed the lawn, we even helped our dad paint the house when it needed it. Then there is the part about taking your kids to this and that in the SUV that takes hours of your day. We walked to Football, Basketball and Baseball practice. We walked to Band and Guitar lessons. We had a choice to Ride the bus or walk to school that was about a 45 minute walk.

My only point here is that running a household is not the $100,000 task we make it out to be. We bring that on ourselves.

Last point, I promise. In support of what you are currently doing by having a house manager, we have to make a choice about anything we hire out and that choice is based on your income. As your income increases, you need to evaluate those things you do yourself. I can plant a tree myself in in about 3 hours if you count locating, digging, fertilizing, staking it. It costs about $100 to have it done. Simple math, if you can earn more then $100 dollars after tax in three hours, hire it out. If not, break out the shovel. Kudos to you if you have the financial means to have a 50k person doing what I think would be doable work, but I would rather put that 50k to an annual kick-ass vacation to regain my sanity.

Interesting quote from your March 20th post ("Don't Wait Until Retirement to Live the Good Life – Do It Now"):

Penelope Trunk: "Your job cannot be a stand-in for relationships and people who care about you."

Penelope, good choice!

I will not repeat what others have said about you doing the right thing. But I'll tell something nobody has said so far – about you possibly regretting your current choices later. NOT NECESSARILY :D

Both my parents worked full-time. When me or my brother were little and got sick often, my mother had to take some time off. She even ended up quitting her job for a few years to take care of us. All while staying home she was dreaming of the day to go back to work – she loved her job so much and missed it a lot. Both of us were in daycare on days we weren't sick, by the way :) She did house cleaning and cooking. Luckily, in our country (not US) nobody would even think that there is something wrong with having kids in daycare when you work at home or at work.

Anyways, back to my POINT:
My mom is in her fifties now. When she looks at her life, you know what she regrets the most? What do you think? Not spending more time with her children? HA! Nope. Not having help from anybody to watch over her kids in order to advance further in her career. She had gone pretty far in her career, by the way. But I'm sure she would've achieved more had she hired a nanny ;)

BONUS POINT:
I, her child, totally understand, support and love my career-driven mom. I've been happy because SHE was happy. For those who yell "do what makes your kids happy, not what makes you happy": kids cannot be happy if their parents aren't. If Penelope is happy, her kids probably will be just fine :)

Salute, Penelope!

I learned absolutely nothing from this post, in fact, I'm angered by it. I'm in my 20's, and currently in a job that's on the path to my dream job, but at a very very low level, which also means very low pay. I do everything I can – work overtime, take on extra projects, etc. But I still have an income that would probably be astoundingly low to most people. So what am I supposed to glean from this post? I should try to make a lot of money? Um, ok. From what I can tell, this post and Penelope's other writings is telling me that I should abandon what I *want* to do for a living, in order to find a job – any job – that will pay me a lot of money. Then, I should get married and have a baby as soon as possible, as Penelope wrote a few months ago, regardless of whether I want to or not. Then, after all of that, I should hire tons of people to hang out with and take care of said children, so that I don't have to.

If I listened to all of this advice from Penelope, I might be rich and married, but I'd also be unhappy. I'm going to stick to my low income job, which will hopefully lead to higher paying gigs (though I'll probably never make enough to pay a nanny, a maid, and a house manager), my boyfriend, who I love but don't necessarily want to marry and have kids with immediately, and do things on my own terms. And I'm going to go find blogs to read that are less conservative and single-tracked and more worthy of my time.

Penelope, I'd recommend thinking about the fact that, in this failing economy, there are all types of people out there who need career advice, and most of them can't even make $50,000 per year, let alone PAY someone $50,000 to work for them. Broaden your horizons, girl!

Not sure why it said my identity was hardworking_single_mom. No, I am a hardworking married mom.

Thanks for this, Penelope. Women really need to stop apologizing for not being able to hold it all together. We are not meant to be SuperWoman – how can you be when you're juggling competing roles of mother, wife, employee, caregiver, friend, mentor, volunteer?

And anyone who chooses to outsource (and can afford it) deserves kudos for having the courage to finally prioritize and say "no" to the madness that comes from having a full menu of kids, jobs, and family. This frees up your mental and physical energy so that you can concentrate on whatever your focal point is – in this case, a career.

And this blog entry is not about making sure you make oodles of $$ so you can afford a house manager. It's about making choices with your life so that if you DO choose the high life, that you accept that you may have to sacrifice some of the personal things in your life to maintain your professional sanity.

For some, that might mean being childless. For others, it may mean they choose a lower income job to gain a higher quality of life to be caring for children or elderly parents.

Thank you for the fantastic blog. I have been both a stay at home mother and a mother with a full time job outside the home. There are three comments I'd like to make:
- My friends and I were once talking about how we would change if we won millions. They said their lives wouldn't change much. I said mine would change SO much. The few hours that I have at home each day are spent cooking, cleaning, doing homework, etc. If I had the money, I'd definately hire assistants to handle the grunt work so that I can spend the quality time with my children!
- My husband is the stay at home parent. The way people treat him, you would think that he is a saint because of it. And they give me dirty looks for working full time! (A single dad would never get the flack that you are getting!)
- That said, I am still the one responsible for most of the household duties. He's a loving father, but he doesn't seem to remember to do laundry, feed the fish, or talk to my son's teacher about a problem. So, even with a stay at home partner, I still feel swamped.
- Consider it a strength to know your needs and get them met for the benefit of your children and yourself. It's expensive, but, as you know, some things are more important than the money. Good for you.

And, I liked the toe fungus story. Thanks for being a normal, flawed human being.

I have just one more thing to share.

Why do so many people seem upset because Penelope makes money? If you spend your life resenting the success of others, that shows that you feel it is unfair – that wealth and success just happen to some lucky people. Which means that you are in your unsuccessful circumstances just because you are unlucky. And you give up control of your life because you feel "fate" has dealt you a bad card.

Resilient people don't resent others for their success. They learn from the success of others.

In her blog, Penelope is constantly evaluating her life, which is another thing that resilient people do.

Penelope, in response to your response to my comment above: I have a friend who's made some hard decisions in life. One thing that I admire about her is that while she explains her decisions, she never sounds like she's *justifying* them. They are what they are. And trust me, hiring a house manager falls pretty low on the list of hard decisions one has to make.

My mother worked full-time and raised three kids, married to a husband who is from a culture in which men do not participate in family life (besides the occasional bottom smack). She roped us into helping (been doing my own laundry since I was 10). But she never felt the need to agonize over the decisions she made, like life was *so hard* or something (and trust me, her life was harder than you'll ever have to imagine).
If this post had been about the pros and cons hiring a house manager (and even some of your hesitations), great. Instead it was whiny and defensive, and honestly, not particularly useful.

I used to love your blog (and in some ways still do), but lately, you've been sounding like one of my least favorite writers (whom everyone else seems to love). I know you're going through some tough times, but I want the old Penelope back.

Hi Penelope,

Thanks for the thought-provoking post – really enjoy your always entertaining and helpful blog.

Four points for the fellow commenters:

1. Each person's life is unique. It is rather unimaginative and unrealistic to judge someone's life according to what has worked for you and your personality, preferences and life circumstances. Penelope is not you.

2. Not everyone who finds a lot of meaning in working a lot does it just because they want to make a lot of money. I think it's pretty clear from Penelope's blog and book that she has a true passion and calling for what she does. And don't be angry that she makes money, please. I'm sure she wouldn't begrudge you your success, either. In fact, isn't her vocation helping others to succeed?

3. We all do what we have to do to take care of our families and ourselves. It's different for everyone, and personal. Each child is different and has unique needs, as is every adult. The set-up Penelope has created at home works for her and her family right now. A parent with vocational passion, meaning and success in her life who also can provide love and an organized home sounds like a pretty decent parent and role-model to me! A happy working mom/dad is infinitely better than a frustrated stay-at-home mom/dad, as a happy stay-at-home mom/dad is better than a frustrated working mom/dad. We're individuals!

4. Commenters who complain about irrelevant posts – they are only irrelevant insofar as you personally don't connect with them. If you want a business blog without personal color, they're easy to find…!

My dad worked full time and raised us…it can be done. My grandmother helped, but he did a lot of the shitwork involved.

I want to see more stories about do-it-all dads. I understand that they're few and far between, but damn, I was lucky I had mine!

What would you say to people who don't make a lot of money but need household help? My dad made out well, but he couldn't hire a house girl or house boy, so he recruited Grandma. Would you suggest grandparents, teen babysitters, or what?

I'm sorry, but for those defending this Blogger over her 50,000 dollar remark — you are wrong and out of touch. Sure, some people can defend it, but for the majority of citizens of America — the average household income is 40-50 per year. Sure defend her on such a statement that can only be deemed reckless and irrational in the current economy, but don't expect to not get backlash from people living in the real world. I'm sure everybody can appreciate the need to have a career and all, but the 50k remark is probably what struck a nerve. Prices have been rising and people hurting. Have you been paying attention to what has been happening in the world? Have you seen the prices rising? Read your history. It hasn't been this bad since before 1929. Hopefully, it will not get worse, but people are hurting. To say you have 50,000 to burn — yes burn, given the recession — when people are maxing out their credit cards just to pay for gas is absolutely moronic. Come down to the real world, please. On top of that, the dollar is, increasingly, worth less and less money while at the same time people are not making more; wages are not rising, contrary to what you may believe. Yeah, sure it would be nice to have a nanny, or house manager, and be able to pay 50,000 to him/her, but the truth is some people make less than that a year — the US average is about that — and to say such a statement in your article is bound to only to appeal to one set of people: the elite.

It may have been purposeful on your part to cause such controversy, as it probably will be good for your traffic, (the talk shaw hosts make millions on being divisive) but I absolutely cannot understand why any real person would defend such a reckless statement.

This blog is supposed to be for Gen Y'ers. Please.

Atrocious.

Penelope – I think part of what you're seeing here with the comments is a clash of cultures.

My wife and I were both raised in traditional families in small Midwestern towns. Our fathers could fix or build just about anything and our mothers ran tight households. The closest our parents came to outsourcing was hiring the teenage girl down the street to babysit once in a while.

Today, I'm a work-at-home dad who gets no paid sick or vacation time. I also have two left thumbs when it comes to home improvement type of things so, within financial reason, I outsource as much as I can.

Since I'm violating the do-it-yourself credo of small town USA, our fathers take a dim view of this even though they know I get no paid time off like they did. Plus, my freelance clients could care less whether I hire a plumber – they just want to know if I can do a good job and meet deadlines.

There are alot of advantages to doing it yourself, and there are alot of advantages to outsourcing. I hope you'll talk more about how this works for you. Thanks for the great post.

I visit your blog from time to time just to see what kind of trouble you are getting yourself into with your readers, but I have to admit you certainly do hit the nail on the head with most of your posts. Maybe some things are issues people don't want to talk about or acknowledge, but nonetheless is there. This is definitely one of those issues. I know too many women executives who are feeling this same pinch and have had to resort to hiring out. But why is it surprising, as you say in your article men have housewives, what do women executives have if they are single or their husbands work as well?
I am a single mom, but my daughter has since flown the coop, but my job is challenging, although I am not an executive. Since I started this job I hire someone to clean my house. I gave up trying to keep up with the demands of my job and keeping a clean house. This works for me. We all do what we have to do.

Awesome post, you are to me the quintessential postmodern woman and to have a glimpse into your mind/world is just fascinating.

I applaud your strong sense of self-awareness and self-knowledge, having a deep understanding of yourself is the key to making decisions that resonate and work for you. No apology or justification needed.

To be a mother your kids will be proud of, there is no other way than to be True to Yourself, be the best whole person you can be, and achieve your dreams. Just continue being your fabulous and brazen self, let it shine. Do it YOUR way, and make it work.

This ongoing debate always makes me chuckle. You are correct that people need help to get it all done.

I was a full-time dad for two years when my oldest was born (my wife was given a great promotion. I made more money, but the opportunity for her was valuable … so we gave it a try). It was the hardest job I ever had (and the oldest was an EASY baby). No vacation, no downtime, no sleep, etc… However, I am forever grateful I did it.

When she was two, we both worked full time for over a year. Talk about hectic. YIKES. We decided someone had to stay home, and we wanted another kid. My wife quit and has been home for seven years.

I respect the fact that she works as hard or harder than I do and gets no paycheck or "rewards". But most interesting is how many career women look down on stay at home moms. I see it all the time…. and I think it is just wrong. Staying home IS a choice for many… but it is a job…a hard job. I am appauled to see working women look down at full time moms.

If you do not have the option to stay home or choose to work, then by all means, HIRE SOME HELP or you can burn out. Needing help is not some sort of weakness, it is reality.

I see no reason why your hiring help is such a controversial topic that has heated the discussion. Sometimes in this world we cannot do it all. That is not a bad thing, it is a fact.

"Those men are getting not just a house manager, but someone who adores his kids, is there all the time, and someone who is willing to have some sort of regular sex life. For all that, the estimate of $100,000 a year seems very low."

And the wife is getting a roof over her head, food to eat, financial stability and so on.

BTW if you think cooking, regular sex etc is worth more than 100K, you make loving wives sound like prostitutes, and their equally loving husbands as perverts.

Thank you for this post. I was truly inspired and wrote an article on my blog about having a Second Life – the various roles and jobs we fill each day. I think your post made a big impact on many woman, so thank you again for your honesty.

Well, well – well up over 100 comments, it's like the good old days at Yahoo!Finance. PT has posted on this topic before, and the first time I read it I got that "duh, no wonder" feeling. I had been sleep deprived for so long, I'd forgotten what it was like to be well-rested. That was about a year ago. I can't say I've fixed all my time management issues, but I've made some changes, reviewed my own expectations and had a couple heart to heart conversations with my spouse. time management is a very important topic of life that varies over time, and is worth re-visiting periodically. (I aways enjoy the comments too, btw.) I wanted to add a note about the ENTJ sentence in the original post (which I think got lost in the other great stuff to talk about). I'm an ENFP but I act like an ENTJ in my job (go read about Myers Briggs if you're keen on philosophy), so I think I can help out. PT: the "N" (intuitive) part puts you in the minority in an American culture that values details, specifics, and numbers. It means you go with your gut, and that means you (like me) need to feed your spirit on a regular basis. (Not that we all don't need to, but intuitive people really do need "peace" in their mind to think creatively … every day.) The "TJ" part translates into "coming to conclusions quickly, through logical thinking" (as opposed to my preference which is "go with the flow, and see how I feel about it." My suggestion to you is to go ahead and come to your conclusions, with all the passion you have … just remember we all have the right to change our minds, seconds later or years later, and any conclusion you come to, no matter how strongly you believe in it, you may also come to another conclusion once you have more facts…. Any friend who doesn't understand this about you, doesn't understand your uniqueness. Since most Americans admire ESTJ personalities, you're not that far off from the mainstream. Really.

Good for you! Hey who cares what anyone else thinks, it's your life/your family.

Yep, life sucks when both people are working full time.

We never had time for anything until I quit couple of years ago.

We love it! (But you know this story)

Anyway, I do think that what helps is for the person who is at home to still be pursuing something they are passionate about.

My passion was always personal finance, now I am pursuing my CFP designation and started classes last week.

So that will give me the flexibility to take on clients only when I have the bandwidth (ironically enough not doing it for the $ even though the nature of the job is about $ planning!)

Oh, 20-something career girl–what is up with you? I think you missed the point of P's post entirely.

I haven't been a regular reader of yours since the bonehead post a few months back about how a women's career won't suffer if she takes time off – you should really go back and read that post and this one. I am going to be really frank, not to be rude, but on the off chance one of your readers who is looking for career advice might perhaps see this – You do not have a clue – seriously. I actually agree with the premise of this post – you absolutely cannot do it all – and if you really want a high powered career, you need some serious money to not go insane or a full time spouse (in my opinion both). Therefore stop posting the complete BS about work, life, balance and a high powered career you loved. People need to take a long hard look at what's important to them and make choices. You are not going to find a job with money and prestige without sacrificing a lot – and if anyone is under the delusion that I am "jealous" I am 34 years old and have $4M in the bank – completely self made, my husband and I started our careers with nothing but student loans to pay off. I am now happily semi-retired. I "found" you on Yahoo Finance and was always struck by how completely out of touch you are with how to succeed. Seriously, if you want to post about not wanting to play the "corporate game" – great, but you should really realize that life is about choices and to offer "advice" that you can have it all is just plain wrong.

Scary…

Now, I have a question: why in Switzerland people start to work at 8:00 AM and stop at 18:00, are richer (on average) than Americans and enjoy the top quality of life in the World (Zürich was elected 6 years in a row the top city to live in worldwide)?

Well, I guess because they took the exactly opposite way:
- they invested in education infrastructures (i.e., public schools, transports…)
- they spend time at home with their kids, having breakfast and diner with them (hence giving them good feeding habits, raising their cultural level, talking with them, giving them rules for living in society, etc.)
- they do not bring (or very little) work at home or on week-ends (hence exercising, having a stressless end of the week, spending less on medication and thus insurances)
- they are relaxed at work and rely on others to process efficiently the tasks (hence, relying on their social, educational and cultural background – social productivity)
- moms stop working for 3 to 5 years, that's true. Their career suffer from it? Maybe. Are they unhappy because of this? Not that I heard of.

Are there Swiss female successful CEOs with kids, working husbands? Yes! Nobel Biocare. Forma Futura. Emerald Technology Ventures…

Conclusion? This is the symptom that the American way of life has reached its limit. It is time to reevaluate the values underlying your society and maybe reassess some priorities. Otherwise, you will continue to produce cohorts of fat, stupid and badly behaved young adults… Mc Donald's is not the only responsible for that – but merely a scapegoat because no one knows what is a normal diner (and even worse – able to cook one!) in a regular US family.

Oh My GOD! You've expressed exactly how I've been feeling! I love you! I feel like I am losing my mind every single day. I work full time at a very demanding job and have two small children 4 and 2.5. And I have been slowly coming to the realization I must be crazy, I can't keep it all together and I think its unfair that society puts the pressure on women like they do. I have found myself comparing my situation to the other men I work with (I am in a a manily male profession) and feeling envious they have a partner or housewife at home to "take care of everything" for them. Its just not fair, and I can't compete with it and still stay on top of the game. All the power to you girl, if you need a house manager then go for it, and get all the help you need. You deserve it! I certainly wish I was in the position to do so…

It is ok. Something which a lot of women are facing.
My cousins (sisters) live in joint families. So that removes a LOT of problems for them.

@ Sarah:

No, I think you are missing the point. So, this column is entirely targeted towards those earning $100K or more? Even though, you know, those people probably are already secure in their career choices? In case you haven't read a newspaper lately, most people in this country are NOT in that situation. Most of us are struggling to get by. Did anyone see the front page of the NYT today? People are struggling to find FOOD, and living on two spoonfuls of rice per day, and this column is moaning about spending $50,000 on a house manager? Why don't you spend that money of food for starving people in Africa?

The last thing we need is an article by someone flaunting about money like everyone has it. Everyone does not have it. What we DO need is actual, real career advice that's usable for people who don't have an extra $50,000 (or maybe don't even make $50,000, like myself) to throw away every year. I'd love to have someone like a house manager to keep my life sane, but I don't have that luxury. I'm aware that there are all different types of people out there, I just wish that those people who do have $100K or more per year could be a bit more open-minded (and less ready to give advice like "Ask for help" etc.) in regards to the people who don't.

@Sara

You are an idiot.

This is what you said.

@thetodd
What fault is it of Penelope’s that people are overextended? The feds and lack of financial education (or complete disregard to basic financial thinking) is what got people in trouble. Can’t afford gas? Give up the freaking SUV! Can’t make your mortgage payment-why the hell did you get an adjustable rate? People let themselves become targets of scams, yes even government approved scams.

–

Truly moronic statement, and you obviously do not have a grasp on how the American economy works. First and foremost, our economy is based on oil. That is fact. So when prices goes up, it doesn't just hurt those SUV driving folks that you talk about, but everybody. Since oil is tied to the dollar, if oil goes up, the worth of a dollar goes down, unless, of course, wages were to go up in accordance to the price of a barrel of oil. But they HAVE NOT. In simple terms, we can buy less with our dollars.

Fact: average american household makes 45-50k per year.

Fact: When oil goes up, everything goes up. Price of food, goods, etc. Everybody suffers. Those who have a lot more backup and make over, say, 100k a year might be in decent shape, but the majority of people are not.

While some people are reckless, there are a lot of people who are not and are hurting big time because the dollar has become worthless and oil prices have gone through the roof. We've seen similar to those of 1928, and the only solution in sight is some, supposed, 600 dollar stimulus check that, at best, can pay off some debt and go towards gas for a month. Oh — and how much is that 600 dollars actually worth given the decline of the dollar. And for those SUV drivers — 600 dollars may only cover a couple weeks, depending on their commute.

Yes, there are irresponsible people, and I'll give you that, but your statements seem to indicate that you think it is only those people who are suffering — get a clue. Responsible people are hurting, too. Responsible people want advice. Good advice. Don't get mad when responsible people criticize irresponsible advice.

When people talk about having 50k to drop on a house manager — that is not exactly the most sane of advice to the average person/family who makes 40-50 k per year. Advice like that is reckless given the state of our economy. Not to be a gloomy, but it hasn't been this bad since the 1920's. Anybody with a good grasp on economics would know that these are scary times.

And in the end, since the dollar is tied to oil, it all goes back to that. Oil affects everything, and thus the situations is a lot bigger than you seem to think.

Great Post.

I am actually a full-time working mom with a SAH House Hubby.

At work as all the women, single and childless or not, gripe about all of their chores and how to cook dinner, etc., etc., they all always stop and look at me and say – "Well obviously she has it the worst. She has small kids." I have told them a million times I have a personal chef and assistant at home, my hubby. I don't share in the same sentiments. I have come to feel that my SAH hubby is immeasurably invaluable. Beyond the childcare duties and home cooked meals, I have my spouse run personal errands and take care of all the "crap" that comes up, so it is rather rare when my personal life interferes with my work life.

Likewise, as everyone at my work is quite jealous we somehow have figured how to live on one income, they are always asking me when my spouse will return to work. I always reply, "Hopefully never." They just don't *get* it.

For us, we would probably be in the hole after considering income/payroll taxes on a second wage AND pricey daycare in the area. Plus my spouse was ready for a career change anyway. So he stays home with the kids, and we are really no worse off financially than if he was still working at the job he hated. BUT with time I have come to realize that the benefits are largely non-financial. Or I wonder if my pay would have doubled in the last decade if I had a more true working mom experience. I can't say I know what it is to go to work and worry about my kids. I know they are well cared for. I don't have all the day to day interferences the other working moms I know do.

Likewise, I really and truly *get* that in my career I have a tremendous advantage. My spouse may be worth $50k or six figures to me at home, as a personal chef, nanny, maid and as a personal assistant. But at worst we lose a few thousand a year in wages. Sounds like a good trade-off to me. Not only are we saving on taxes, daycare, and working expenses like auto fuel, but it is also rare when we pay for convenience out of exhaustion or lack of time. That amounts to a tremendous amount of money saved.

When the kids are older and daycare isn't $20k/year, we would both like to work. We discuss the logistics and I know it will suck. LOL. We've gotten spoiled, but for the long run we will probably both want to work at least part-time for personal growth. I could never imagine working in a 2-full-time-working-adult household though. It's a tough road.

"I don’t know a stay-at-home dad who is seriously taking care of kids full-time, over the course of five-to-seven years, without a lot of money in the bank."

Now you do. My husband's been doing it since 2000 when our first was born. We are not wealthy and live in one of the most expensive areas in the country. We just make it work. It can be done, with a little ingenuity and lots of flexibility.

I fear this is an indictment of working women ever where. Is this what we fought so hard to accomplish? Balance, priorities and sacrifice have always been the foundation of a rewarding life; for both men and women. Men never had to find balance, but they are beginning to learn from women. Wonderful blog with great insight. I discovered this along with “Backcounterbuffet”, a working physician and mother of busy children. Both of your experiences help me in my quest for balance. We’ll get there!

m, you are so right on! So many in our society suggest our children are the casulty of our desire to have a two career family. You really never hear anyone say that the fall=out hits the marriage. Some suggest, less time with each other can be beneficial to a relationship. You know, "absence helps the heart …." Where is the answere? Is their an answer?

Your struggle is exactly why I left corporate America to start a company to help high-achieving women with children manage their overwhelming responsibilities at home. It's called Attache Services. I give women a Personal Attache, very similar to a house manager, who is there as often as the struggling, ladder climbing, super mom needs her – from 10 hours a month to 30 hours a week! Each Attache works with only one client, so they get to know all their preferences and really end up being more like a friend who is there to help out in whatever way is needed. I started this business because I needed it and couldnt find it – as a mother of 3 with a demanding role in corporate America, I needed a helper like this. My Personal Attaches serve clients in Northern VA, MD, and DC. Our website and blog have more info. Good for you for getting help.

Perhaps if you started working to live instead of living to work you wouldn't need to hire people to take care of your life outside of the office?

I'm sure your gravestone will not say "I wish I had spent more time at the office".

My middle-class family has always had multiple help and, at one point, we had a competent chef, nanny, maid and full-time gardener.

But, oh, we live in a developing country so their combined salaries came to less than a tenth your house manager's. Want cheap help? Move to Kenya. ;)