Get great at the NYT crossword in two days 🔲 🔲 🔲 🔲

Cover art for Judge magazine (1924) by Holmgren

1. Find a NYT subscriber. They can gift a free subscription to one person. Be that one.

2. Start with WORDLE. It teaches you to figure out the word without using a clue. Now you won’t be scared of puzzles about curling rules or KPOP girls.

3. Do the mini crossword. It’s so small that when you have to get a hint – like just show me the damn word – the puzzle is finished before you can start feeling the weight of the cheat.

4. Learn these otherwise useless words that come up all the time: do is bread; epee is a sword; oahu, kauai, lanai are Hawaiian Islands; ella, ani, etta, enya are musicians.

5. Wait for a day when you wake up tortured by the super important thing at the top of your to-do list that you must do or your life will be ruined.

Push that thought to the back of your head by adjusting the pillow under your neck for optimum position for all day in bed. Take your ADHD medicine because first of all it’s in arm’s reach, but also, people with drive don’t skip meds on very important days. And this is your full-puzzle day.

If you have to answer the phone, say, “Is this urgent? I’m on the other line.” When the bathroom calls you, bring the puzzle — a proven method of puzzle mavens. Pause to memorize the greek letters because now it feels like cheating to google them.

Don’t eat except for chips in between clues. Don’t even stand up to get crumbs off the sheets. You are too busy. Move from the Monday archive to the the Friday archive. You are unstoppable.

Doze off thinking about a four-letter word with Z in the middle. Wake up when a pop up reminds you about that to-do list item. Turn off alerts. You do not need that to-do list because you’re saving your life by becoming a crossword 🔲 🔲 🔲.