How to be enchanting
So much of the world is based on how much people like you. For example, when you are in a job interview, there are three or four other candidates. All are qualified, because no one interviews people who cannot do the job—that would be a total waste of time. This means that interviews are about being enchanting. Whichever of the four candidates who the hiring manager most wants to hang out with all day is the one who gets the job.
The same is true for getting a promotion. Whoever the person in charge likes the most is the one who gets the promotion. And the rent control apartment. And the best match for a tutor. And the best coaching for Little League. It’s always about who is most enchanting. They get all the benefits.
A lot of being enchanting, I’m sorry to tell you, is how you look. People who are better looking get all kinds of perks, from better grades in preschool to more sales in consulting. But you can be good looking and be a bore. And you can be not great looking but make up for a lot of that in personality. And this is where enchantment comes into play. Enchantment is also what makes someone in the top 10% of performers catapult into the top 2%.
Here’s how to be enchanting:
1. Say yes.
Guy Kawasaki wrote the book on enchantment, literally. The book is Enchantment: The Art of Changing Hearts and Minds. And Guy says that we should look over all aspects of our lives because enchantment can happen during a retail transaction, a high-level corporate negotiation, or a Facebook update. And when done right, it’s more powerful than traditional persuasion, influence, or marketing techniques.
“A yes buys time, enables you to see more options and builds rapport,” is what Guy writes. “By contrast, a no response stops everything. There’s no place to go, nothing to build on and no further options are available. You will never know what may have come out of a relationship if you don’t let it begin.”
Guy has helped me a lot in my own career and he has also asked me to promote his books. And I say “yes,” of course, and then sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I’m pretty sure that being unreliable is the opposite of enchanting.
So maybe I can make up for it now by telling you that I recommend Guy’s book The Art of the Start to everyone who thinks they want to do a company but can’t make themselves do it. And while I’m at it, because I’m enchanting, I’m going to make good on the yes I gave Guy for his newest book APE: Author, Publisher, Entrepreneur: How to Publish a Book. I haven’t read it. In fact, I couldn’t even tell from the cover what the title of the book is. But Guy is a genius at self-promotion, and this book seems like a good example of him doing that.
2. Be passionate.
I was coaching this guy, Jonathan Mann, and the first thing I learned about him is that he has written a song a day for 1500 days in a row and they’re all on YouTube. That is immediately enchanting because determination and commitment are enchanting.
People want to be close to passion because passion is contagious. Also, when you are passionate about something you can find an immediate connection to other passionate people, because commitment to a cause and the drive to get there are scary to own, so people who are doing it feel an immediate bond.
Fun side note: One day after our phone call, Jonathan wrote a song about our coaching session.
3. Make people better than they are.
The truth is that people don’t care if you are enchanting. They want to feel like they themselves are enchanting. I first learned this reading Roger Ailes’s book You Are The Message. He explains how you are interesting if you make people around you interesting.
You are enchanting to people if you help them to be better than they are. Melissa is enchanting to me. She fills in where I’m weak on details, but she also does things that I wouldn’t know to ask for that make me better at being me.
For example, the picture up top. I took a few versions of my son rolling all over the doctor’s office while we were there for what he said was an excruciatingly painful broken leg. Melissa gathered those photos and mushed them together to show action. That’s fun. And now I get to have a photo on my blog that I sort of took but didn’t know I could take.
4. Show gratitude.
My favorite thing I read this week is an article in the New York Times titled The Professor, The Bikini Model and The Suitcase Full of Trouble. It’s about the tenured US physics professor who is in prison in Argentina for drug smuggling. He is a genius and wildly passionate about physics but his social skills are at the level of a young child.
There is clearly a piece missing in his brain, which, in case you were wondering, is so similar to my father that I just can’t believe it. My father is a Harvard graduate and he has a police record. And I’m blown away by the article because it explains so deftly how someone could be so brilliant and so stupid at the same time.
This is not relevant to the post. But I need you to know it because it’s fascinating to me, and I want you to be fascinated by the article, too. I loved the song the guy wrote. I loved the photo Melissa edited. I want you to see the amazing things I see so that we can talk about it.
You are enchanting to me. Which is why I keep writing.
Penelope, I am enchanted by you.
And someday when I save up enough jelly beans, I will hire you to coach me. Although at the age of 51, you’ll tell me I’m over the hill as I embark on a new career that I love.
The funny thing is that a few weeks ago when you took the contrarian view of Marissa Mayer’s decision to make all the work-from-home’s come back to their cubicles, I almost stopped delivery of your blog.
Instead, I’ve kept reading and today I recommended your blog to a friend of mine at Exxon, who could also use your wisdom.
Thanks for your smart and sassy view of the world.
Delightful post. You make me think I could be enchanting, you make me think I have good ideas, because I agree with your ideas. Thanks for posting a lot. The more you post, the more enchanting I get!
At age mmblfflfl, I am starting a new career, working with a woman 10 years my senior, who has hired me because I enchanted her. Actually she has hired me because after the first interview I warned her that she may find someone younger than I, but that a younger employee would never “get” her jokes.
On the call back interview, her bosses asked me to give account of my sales skills, since Lady Boss was an aggressive and tenacious producer. “I sold her on me, didn’t I?” was all it took. I have no real sales background. But I’m in! It works!
Actually, in the job interview scenario, I think a lot more is at play besides enchantment.
Although all candidates may be qualified, some are certainly more qualified than others. It’s unlikely they are all exactly equally qualified.
One may be friends with the boss, or there may be some sort of nepotism advantage.
One may be richer, and in certainly situations (like interviewing for a job at a law firm), that can be a big advantage.
One may have more relevant experience.
The HR manager can’t just pick the one he finds most personable. He’ll get heat from his boss if he does. And if he is hiring for a job like computer programmer, he can’t pick the best looking one without having a very good explanation why he didn’t pick the one with the most pertinent experience.
Very very very very logical. You should be right. But you’re not.
In my experience, if they like you, you’re in.
But that’s just your experience.
I hire computer programmers and technical project leads. First are the skills, second is what we call “fit.” Do you fit our culture? If everything goes to hell, and we all have to work together for two weeks straight, will we want to kill you when it is all over? Do we like you. Period.
But that’s just your experience.
Oh, but if you’ve ever worked in an H.R. department and been privy to their private conversations…….how utterly creative they can be in pulling one candidate to the top of the list based on this enchantment thing. I have been so amazed time after time at how they convince themselves they are dealing with only the facts and the truth as they maneuver and pick their favorite. In fact, you can hear a very subtle deep breath as one of them speaks the exact words they needed to justify what they all wanted to do anyway.
Yes. To the comment about the “creativity” of HR departments in culling candidates based on personal likes and dislikes. Not even saying this is terrible, though it goes too far. Saying that it’s true.
Oops, sorry this posted twice.
Wow, a Guy Kawasaki book that looks good. Sorry, but I’ve been unimpressed before with his self-promotion based on his Apple experience. Anyway, I just bought his “Enchantment” book, so he can thank you for that. And, I added the book about starting a company to my wish list, so he can thank you for that, too.
And anyway, thanks always to you, Penelope. I really enjoy your writing.
Great post! This one is a keeper for the job interview folder. Thanks!!
I don’t get what showing gratitude has to do with a guy with poor social skills in prison but I am always enchanted by your posts Penelope. You make me think, and laugh and look deeper at situations. There is joy in that!
This post should also function as a warning to all HR people: watch out for enchanting people. They may not be the most qualified for the job.
I say this as someone who has landed many a job based on my charms.
I say this also as a terrible employee. (Think Melissa, but not THAT charming.) I am enchanting, I write wicked thank-you notes, and that’s about my only skill. Watch out when I walk into your office, notice your family photo, and compliment your exotic taste in dog breeds. WATCH OUT.
LOL
I believe you.
But if you’re THAT enchanting, you should just marry a rich guy and blow off all this 9-to-5 crap. :-)
I did the next best thing. I went to grad school (sorry, ‘Nelope.)
Being enchanting; being a nice person; being someone other people like – nothing wrong with those qualities when hiring someone. I do recall Penelope setting being qualified for the job as a prerequisite to holding an interview (that’s for all those that think she is saying being enchanting alone is enough to get the job).
People are interested in themselves and who doesn’t love someone that wants to make us better versions of ourselves?
I like what you write about passionate being contagious. However I do think it’s relative – passionate people like passionate people. Bores stick with bores. Unless they find an enchanting person to take them to beyond boring.
– Razwana
There’s a fine line between being passionate and being boring. It’s great that the guy in the next cubicle is passionate about cycling, cycling equipment, and cycling races, but it could be incredibly tedious if he talked about it all the time.
You make an interesting point that made me have a re-think, Sheila! Yes, there has to be some interest in what the other person is passionate about to listen to them talking about it.
However, it also depends on how they talk about their passion and what it reflects in the listener to be excited about what they are saying. I can think of many people in my life that do things I wouldn’t necessarily be interested in, but when they talk about how what they do impacts others, or how they will make people’s lives better by what they do, my interest is ignited because that’s a quality I care about it people…..because essentially the impact of their enchantment is all about me :-)
Sparkling eyes, usually sparkling blue eyes are enchanting. But then other qualities must soon come into play.
I like this post because it is a good reminder to be yourself and to know that you will enchant and be enchanted.
Nice post Penelope. It’s definitely true what they say, hard skills get you the interview, but soft skills (enchantment) will get you the job. It’s said that usually 10 seconds is enough for an employer to decide on if they want to hire that person, once they walk in the door.
How you look is part of it, so investing in your image is v important. Although I find that part difficult, a part of me resists the fact that I have to dress to impress others and conform to expectations, but unfortunately that’s the way the world and our brains work (subconsciously, even mine)
I have had a really difficult time getting myself to dress to impress. I used to think that I wore jeans everywhere because it was my signature or something. But really, it so often put me out of step with the people I was around.
I wish it had not taken me so long to learn that I can get more from interactions with people if I’d just dress how they expect me to dress.
Now I think, what else am I doing like that? Where can I conform more so that I make a better first impression?
Penelope
Where can I conform more? Too funny/sad in a way and as a homeschooling mom it’s SO not a homeschooling mindset as our lives are, in a way, wrapped around NOT conforming!
Wow, Penelope.
This was an excellent article. Excellent and heart changing.
The simplicity of say yes, be passionate, make people better, and show gratitude hits all the right core buttons.
I am going to put this article on my calendar and reread it each week.
Thank you for the Sunday morning pick me up.
Domenic
Your comment about “saying yes” got me to think about how many premature “no” responses I tend to give. Time to work on that. Realizing that saying yes now doesn’t mean a yes answer later is a small revelation for me. Thanks for the nudge.
I’m starting a new part-time job on Thursday. I’m convinced I got it because I was enchanting. And tenacious…the whole CV-interviews-etc. process took 4 months, and I finally created a job for myself for them. I said, “You should do X training. And you should hire me to do it for you.” So they did!
This, I think, is another way to get a job…bring money-making ideas for the company to the interview.
This is huge, I think. I’m convinced that there is ALWAYS an opportunity to lead, even if you’re not in the company.
A lot of people in businesses don’t know what they should do next. If you pitch them an idea, and it feels right to them, you have a great shot at being asked to implement the idea for them.
I do a certain kind of marketing, and I get meetings with businesses who think they need this kind of marketing. But once I’m inside their business, I invariably find that what they thought they needed help with wasn’t really the key opportunity for their business. People RARELY know what the “low hanging fruit” is — what the easiest, fastest, highest-ROI next action is.
As Penelope pointed out, it took her years to realize that a simple adjustment in her attire could have radically changed her success. But no one told her this — we can’t count on people to tell us anything. (That’s why coaching and mentors can be crucial.)
Regarding bringing ideas to the table, James Altucher talks a lot about this. One of his prescriptions for people who can’t find work is to become an “idea machine.” ie, come up with as many ideas as you can to improve people’s businesses and lives, and give them all away, FREE.
His comment sections are filled with people saying that this alone got them work within days, after months or years of unemployment.
There are MANY ways to be enchanting, and most do not require any particular appearance. Like reasonable hygiene and minimum standards of affability, being at least minimally enchanting should be understood to be an unsaid part of any job description.
Love you, Penelope . . . you are amazing. Thank you for all that you give to us!
I love the post. It dovetails with a lot of what I’ve been thinking lately.
“It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.”
― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan
I like this quotation so much. Black-and-white thinking is really comforting to me. So I like the idea of refining the dichotomies to make things more interesting.
Penelope
Penelope – I love your photos and they pull me into your blog. Melissa – you are doing a great job for your mom! I didn’t want to like reading your blog, Penelope, but these photos and the new layout has pulled me in. You are also a generous about using links within your articles. I would say I am hooked – even if the subject line doesn’t sound appealing – I click anyway and damn if I don’t read the whole thing. You have inspired me to add my own pictures to my blog. Thank you for writing in such a real way. I love how you are following your son’s stylist interests – what a great mom you are!
Do you really think Melissa is Penelope’s daughter?
Excellent points, Penelope. Another title you could have used: How to Get What You Want.
This post focused on the persuasion part of the equation, genuine or not, social techniques that can be learned and applied to the work place and social circles.
But there is a passive element to gaining success, which is, seeking a group that thinks like YOU do, join it and socially interact with its members. Once invited into the group or company, you must be seriously committed to the relationship, and while so, press your enchantment button.
As you have written in the past, people like to work with people like themselves. THAT’S where attachment builds between employer and employee. And finding just the right mix, like romantic relationships, is why people today are more mobile with job changes.
Many time we don’t have control over the environment that employs us, and that’s when social skills are needed more than ever. Thanks for your pointers. All great stuff!
Irv
Very timely read for my life right now. Right this moment. The thing I need to do at work is dig deep, rev those enchanting skills back up. I think I let them slip a little in the past year or two. I have gotten so many places with a smile, a “yes”, a passionate speech, and a fun celebration of our team’s accomplishments. That girl needs to come to work on Monday. PERIOD.
I find the concept of enchantment fascinating, the points you made in your article have given me a lot to think about. The article was also a riveting read – I love the “did he/didn’t he know” twist!
Forgot to add, I just finished reading APE by Guy Kawasaki and it’s a hugely valuable book for anyone interested in self-publishing. He definitely has his own set way of doing things that might not work for everyone, but the information and resources he offers are very helpful.
I keep coming back, so you must be doing something right.
I love that song, as well. I think he captures how difficult it can be to emotionally process those things we need to hear but don’t want to.
Are you sure that really, really attractive women are enchanting in the workplace? I feel like in Midwestern corporate culture, at least, the women hate them and fail to promote, hire, or help them, and the men overcompensate for their attractiveness by being overly cold and distant towards them.
Highly attractive women are a lightning rod for desire from straight men – and envy from straight women. The Midwest is reserved, almost Scandinavian. Definitely conservative. In the Midwest, depending on the industry, an attractive woman is better off dressing/acting conservatively.
This is statistically not true. Also research says that you should wear makeup and dress like a woman at work because it makes people more comfortable.
Just because you’re good-looking and people don’t like you doesn’t mean people treat good-looking people poorly. It means that you are so unlikable about you that you even manage to cancel out the advantages you receive for being good-looking.
Good looks are, actually, associated with IQ. Which of course makes sense because humans have been selecting for IQ for millions of years and humans have, at the same time, been defining those people they are selecting as good looking.
Everything I wrote in this comment is in research all over the place and you cna find it compiled nicely in the book I linked to – Looks, by Gordon Patzer. Also, here’s an interesting tidbit that I cannot find a link to support, but I know it’s true:
People with Aspergers are generally good-looking, which makes sense because their IQ is so high. But they are socially retarded and a lot of people can’t stand being around them. So in this case, someone good-looking is pushed away by peers at work, and the person of course has no idea why, because the definition of Aspergers is being socially inept and having no idea that you are socially inept.
Penelope
Speaking of socially retarded, I spent the weekend reading this amazing book by David Finch called:
The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband
It’s so funny the Best Practices title caught my eye as I thought it was about business, so I picked it up. Of course, once I realized the subject matter and as a long time reader of your blog and your marriage to the farmer, I had to read it and ended up finish the whole thing in the store. It was riveting, insightful and extremely funny. I didn’t realize people with Asperger could be so funny.
I don’t think any of us “neurotypical’s” as the author divides the world, understand the superhuman effort it takes for you to complete the most basic task we take for granted. So, hat’s off to you, Penelope, for getting up every morning and not drive off a cliff. Perhaps the book, if you haven’t read it, could help you understand the Farmer’s point of view and he your’s.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439189749/?tag=ptrunk-20+finch
I disagree with you Penelope — in my experience, the commenter was correct about attractive women being treated pretty badly and unfairly in many corporate environments, especially in the Midwest. The other women are cold and critical, and the men are afraid to appear to favor the attractive woman in any way, so they are also cold and distant when they’d rather not be.
This becomes even more clear when one or two of the men are in a non-work (but still very much “platonic”) situation with the attractive woman, and suddenly act friendly and relaxed with her.
Also, very much older or younger women at the workplace are usually much more relaxed and pleasant with the attractive woman than the ones who are 10 or so years either side of her age (because they don’t feel threatened by her or envy her).
You may not have experienced this because your personal working experience, I believe, has not often been as a general employee of a medium or large company (especially in a traditional industry or ‘heartland’ location), but as a manager or owner of quite small companies that were mainly “virtual” without a real location, and/or were based on the coast(s), and/or were in the unusual industry of internet/technology.
Also, as a former psychologist and researcher, I would caution against taking the results of a few limited studies and extrapolating them to the whole of human experience.
It’s commendable to think that one’s own lack of social skills/intuition (due to having Aspergers etc.) is what causes others to act oddly towards oneself, but sometimes it’s not really due to anything the attractive woman does or doesn’t do — she is often disliked immediately and not given a chance after that.
A woman doesn’t even have to be THAT attractive – just relatively-okay-looking, pleasant, articulate, well-educated, funny, smart – and bingo, she can be mistrusted and ostracized in certain milieus.
The best manager I ever had taught me never to say no. Tell them what you can do, not what you can’t do.
Great, great, post Penelope – particularly the bit about passion.
The people that are absolutely elite at what they do all have passion – otherwise they couldn’t be the best at it.
I like to think about the world through the lens that there are billions of people and all of them are passionate about something. The odds that I’ll step into a space doing something I’m not passionate about and then outperform a bunch of people who *are* passionate about it is unlikely at best, right?
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
Best,
Rory
I loved this post. I have realised that I often say no to people unnecessarily, and it makes them feel unheard, which does me no favours. I wrote about this on my blog and referenced your great post. Thanks. http://alycevayleauthor.com/2013/03/25/the-power-of-saying-yes-and-why-im-a-slow-learner/
Guy Kawasaki is so smart.
I was going to buy his book a year ago but for one reason or another I didn’t.
Then I see this and decide “well, I was going to might as well do now.”
He knows people know of him. He just wants to give them an extra little push to go ahead and buy his books.
The article ” The Professor, The Bikini Model and The Suitcase Full of Trouble” is so fascinating. The writer in fact is enchanting. And he makes the professor enchanting in a way. You really are left to wonder ‘did he or did he not know?’
Hope you’ve read the latest essay ‘Your Phone vs. Your Heart’ on The NYT. Pretty interesting too.
And ..who won’t say that you are so enchanting!
I’m a recent follower, and I love your frank open-ness! Always entertaining and thought provoking.
Thank you. That was a charming little piece of writing.
And I guess that’s why children are so often enchanting – they look gorgeous, they’re carefree and they’re passionate. The saying yes should really be helping other people because giving to others builds loyalty faster than anything else. GK did something good for you and now you want to return it. Then he sees you helped him and wants to help you more and so the cycle of enchantment goes on :)
That last sentence was a pun, it seems, meant to enchant us. Worked for me!
Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but bombastic commercial opportunists like Guy Kawasaki and Seth Godin leave me cold.
Maybe they have an idea or two. Fine. Lay it out and go home.
Alan, I agree with you. I went ahead and bought his book on Enchantment because I found such positive reviews on Amazon and also looked at its TOC. I hope I’m pleased with the investment. We’ll see.
Totally agree with that. That whole scene leaves me cold.
It has made living on much of the west coast off-limits to me because such people are so annoying and they are EVERYWHERE.
But then P did have a company called “Brazen Careerist”! They’ve got the brazen self-promotion thing down pat. :-)
I thought the picture was of the boy imitating getting a pelvic exam. I hope his leg is OK.
Your style is really unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this blog.
Great post!
I especially relate to the part about showing gratitude. Showing people that what they do matters to you and that you appreciate them can have such an incredible impact. It amazes me sometimes because it is such an easy thing to do, but so easy to overlook.
I feel that my gratitude landed me my amazing internship with On Purpose UK, an organization that training the next generation of social entrepreneurs. It is amazing to be a part of this organization and gratitude is part of what brought me here.
If you are interested in a career that makes a difference look into On Purpose and consider applying for their next cohort.
My brother suggested I may like this website. He was entirely right. This publish actually made my day. You can not consider just how a lot time I had spent for this information! Thanks!
Stop spamming.
Good post, Penelope. There’s a pretty good book on this subject called “Likability” by Tim Sanders. He starts it off by saying the quality of our life comes down to 2 things – the choices we make, and the choices others make about us. So true…
Love that saying; that’s a keeper. Thanks, Bruce/Tim.
It’s really a cool and helpful piece of info. I’m glad that you simply shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.
Well this probably explains why my former classmate in grad school just got a job offer, she is enchanting. She is an airhead, ESFP type and her lack of substance does not seem to matter to employers.
I’ve been doing some hardcore internet soul-surfing the past week. Two very different times, I was lead to your blog, unaware that I had visited it before.
I wanted to comment on your post about school “porn” not affecting you any longer but the reply link isn’t working for me. I live in NYC and have been daydreaming about private schools, like Avenues, while also researching homeschooling. Well, your thoughts were appreciated, that’s all. You’re onto something here :)
Where I work, we call it “creating delighters.” Say yes as much as possible. Dress like they do.
Penelope, you are like my best friend I can call up when I am freaking out. I read your posts and then don’t feel so crazy, I get inspired, or I chill out knowing all is well.
Please keep on enchanting us.
I’ll second that emotion.
Thank you for the information and sharing it with us Best Regards
I have done a lot of career coaching but never thought about the word ‘enchanting’ in the interview context before. The more I think about it the more I like it.
It is definitely true that people buy people. If an iinterviewer likes you (and this is an assessment made almost immediately) they will try to find ways of helping you along, even forgiving less than great answers, and of course the opposite holds true if they dislike you.
I talk about building rapport quickly at interview, but I think being enchanting is a wonderful thought to try and take in.
This approach is so US-culture-centric.
In the UK, people distrust “enchanting”, extra-optimistic, “yes”-people! They feel there’s something fishy and fake about them.
A lot of times there, being cynical, slightly-beat-down-by-life, and moderately suspicious of everything makes others more comfortable with you and more likely to think that you wouldn’t be as exhausting to work with as some kind of “perky Polly” who would waft around being cute, overly-agreeable, and sycophantic.
It does work well in the US, though. I’m not criticizing the information – it can be helpful for folks here.
I don’t get what showing gratitude has to do with a guy with poor social skills in prison but I am always enchanted by your posts Penelope. You make me think, and laugh and look deeper at situations. There is joy in that!
You are so funny. I love this; just talking to daughter about it. She is enchanting. I found you this morning when I googled. “paid internships for 53 year old writers 2013.” I have to figure out a way to make my writing passion pay. I also googled, “G-D”, but her blog had no more room for comments.
I ca