The psychology of quitting
I am at a hotel. I think I’m dying. I have a bruise from where the Farmer slammed me into our bed post.
I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think. I think I need to move into a hotel for a month.
The Farmer told me that he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me.
If you asked him why he is still being violent to me, he would tell you that I’m impossible to live with. That I never stop talking. That I never leave him alone. How he can’t get any peace and quiet in his own house. That’s what he’d tell you.
And he’d tell you that I should be medicated.
I’m trying to make sure this is a career blog, because, if nothing else, if I don’t have a career then it’s pretty hard to have the discussion of why I am not leaving.
I am having trouble writing, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m not great at faking things. I am trying to do business as usual because we all know that I should have left the last time there was violence.
Look. I can’t even write “the last time he beat me up.” I tried to, but then I thought: “No. It’s my fault. I deserve it. He’s right. I’m impossible to live with.”
Our couples therapist told us we will never make any progress. The reason that we will never make any progress is because neither of us can be vulnerable in a relationship.
This might be true.
The Farmer responded by saying he thinks we are making good progress. That was when he had made it to two months without hurting me. He said that was progress.
I feel like I am never going to get past this if I don’t write about it.
Some days I wish I had a real job at Brazen Careerist where I had to go into an office every day. I think it might be good for me. Structure is good for me.
I thought it would be such a big deal when I stopped working there. But it’s not. No one really cares. The company moves on. I show up to board meetings and there are people working there who I’ve never even met.
When I was growing up I always heard women say that you should have a career so you can take care of yourself without a husband. What if there’s a divorce? You need to be able to support yourself! Don’t let yourself get stuck.
But now we know more about work. It’s fun to have a career. It’s fun to get the accolades that work provides.
And we know more about domestic violence. You don’t need a career to leave. You need something else.
I am not sure what. I think I might need a hotel. But really I need to know what is keeping me there. I’m pretty sure that blaming myself is keeping me there. I think, “Why would I leave him when it’s all my fault?”
This is what I felt like when I was a kid. I was taken out of my parents house when I was fourteen. But I kept wanting to go back. I kept thinking that I’d be better and they’d like me better.
My parents were banned from family therapy because of poor behavior. The final blow to their time in family therapy was when they said the family is much better with me in the mental ward.
So I did therapy alone, and after a while I got that feeling again: That maybe now I would be the type of person my parents liked and we could all get along.
I lasted one day at my parents house before there was violence.
I tell you this to tell you where my comfort zone is. Right there.
And I tell you this to tell you that I blame myself for getting myself into this. I think I have poor relationship skills. I think I am probably only interested in sharing my feelings if I’m writing them.
I think my closest relationships in my life are with my kids and with you, the person reading my blog.
The hardest thing about leaving is that no one cares. My parents were so relieved when the police finally took me out of the house. The police said, “We’re going to have to take her now,” and my mom said, “Thank you so much! Please do that.” She wasn’t mean when she said it. She was genuinely relieved.
That’s how the Farmer will be, too. He broke up with me 50 times while we were dating. He loves the feeling of getting rid of me.
That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.
If your main priority here is yourself and your relationship with your husband, I feel sorry for your children. Maybe there’s someone else in your extended family who can take better care of them, by putting them first and not showing them that domestic violence is ok?
Well I’m late in and most things have been said but I will add my bits.
1. If you were at work and your boss hit you would you consider that you were just bad at work?
2. I think you have had a lot of revelation in your life that you are an exceptional case. You found out your family was weird. You made it to the top of an athletic career unusually. Your career has been unusual – you get paid for that too, sharing stories of recycling content and getting fired makes you money. You’ve found out your brain doesn’t work the same as other’s.
Now I think you think, in part, that your relationship is exceptional. Other people get hit and it’s not their fault, but not you. This is faulty thinking. What’s more, you are making that choice for your kids – that they will beat the odds of growing up in an abusive home.
I know lots and lots of weird, quirky, even messed up people with good relationships. If you are going to put effort into being an exception, leave, and work on that. It is more likely to work out; you tried this one.
P.S. My brain is almost as quirky as it gets – statistically rarer than yours, and no one hits me.
This blog post has totally empowered me to follow through on breaking up with my emotionally neglectful (ok,ok, abusive) boyfriend. Sure I hate being alone, yeah I’m kinda financially screwed, and of course I loved how he and my son interacted… but more than any of that I just can’t respect myself if I keep being this lame co-dependent sell out. I’m smarter than that and we deserve better. I’m grateful that I don’t have as traumatic of a history as you do…
Also, I know I’m being a blunt bitch, but I’m speaking my truth and you might be able to appreciate that. Thanks for the motivational push.
Who Says Quitters Never Win?
New research finds that people who give up on unattainable goals are physically and mentally healthier than ‘bulldogs’ who persevere against all odds. The importance of knowing when to throw in the towel and the psychology of quitting is “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
Think of it this way: People who simply will not or cannot give up an impossible dream eventually get emotionally defeated by their Sisyphean task. When does an admirable trait like perseverance start to look more like beating your head against the wall?
Amanda
“he will not beat me up any more if I do not make him stay up late talking to me”
That’s the stupidest thing anyone ever quoted. That’s like how every month, financial analysts say the exceptionally low interest rates on government debt are because of investor confidence instead of what it really is: central banks.
Heroines are biologically attracted to men who act uninterested in them. They’re always going to be attracted to situations in which they have to chase a man who hates them & repulsed by men who call them heroines. It’s not going to change by teaching a generation to play soccer.
Penelope, you need to leave. You need to leave for your own sake and you need to leave for the sake of your sons. It is true they like living at the farm but it is not good for them to see adult relationships rooted in violence and to think it is okay for a man to hit a woman or for anyone to hit someone they love. You also deserve more.
Penelope,
Being alone is not so bad. It may take practice, but you can do it. A person who demands that you put up with abuse in order to stay with him is not worth it. A person worth staying with does not abuse. Every child, male and female, needs to learn this.
If being alone is scarier than protecting yourself and your children, please call the shelter. Even if you don’t stay at a shelter, you need to talk to someone.
He’s not going to stop hurting you. He may take breaks from it, but he clearly thinks that it’s OK – and to hurt you for talking to much is a really stupid excuse, like throwing a drink at someone just because you don’t like their outfit. The way the violence works is that eventually this Farmer of yours is going to kill you.
And then your kids will miss you. But there’s a good chance he’ll kill them, too. That’s just the way abuse pathology works, sorry.
Penelope, please leave this man! For you and for your kids.
I understand your feelings as I know a thing or two about guilt. I’m a child of domestic violence myself. I saw my dad kill my mum in one ‘more’ episode of domestic violence that turned out to be the last and even with regular therapy (5 years and counting) I still can’t deal with the feeling of guilt of not being able to ‘save her’.
Don’t think you deserve it and avoid exposing your kids to this, it will damage them. Break the cycle.
IT REALLY IS A SHAME THESE LOUSY DIGITAL CAMERAS DON’T GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE MORE THAN ONE SHOT… A SHOT THAT IS NOT ONLY DISTURBINGLY REMINISCENT OT THE GRADUATE POSE, BUT ALSO JUST HAPPENS TO SHOW 90% “SKIN”, WHILE barely SLIPPING IN A VIEW OF THE BRUISE W-A-Y OVER THERE AT THE EDGE.
YOU’RE VERY GOOD AT THIS.
You are in a very tough situation. On one hand, you obviously value the stability, work ethic, and sense of family and community which the farmer brings to your life and to the life of your kids. Otherwise you would have left him long ago.
And you are painfully aware of what happens to stability, home life, and sense of community for you and your kids when you are on your own. Otherwise you would have returned to living alone long ago.
You also obviously have no idea how much men hate the amount of talking which you need. And you have not built any habits to limit that. Otherwise you would not put yourself tightly into a man’s life.
The hard questions: Are all the benefits of this relationship worth the violence and the risks of serious personal injury? Will the benefits of this relationship accrue and crystallize for you and your kids before you are seriously damaged physically? Will the natural decline of testosterone in the farmer result in diminished responses to annoyances or frustrations of any kind, and will that happen in time for you and the kids to benefit from the good sides of the relationship without being damaged irreparably by the bad sides? Only you can answer these questions the best.
I hope to continue reading your insights, comments, and stories on work and life for a very long time.
Dear Penelope:
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and learned patterns of non-communication and avoidance. I spent most of my life not able to feel my feelings, express my feelings, or even at times understand my feelings.
My relationships had no relating or communication, and were passive aggressive in nature.
40 years ago I hit my first wife. I never did it again but it was epic fail. 4 years ago I divorced a woman who was very emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. There were many red flags early on but I was still locked into the mode of being imprinted on me by my parents. Avoid avoid avoid.
It took her suggesting I commit suicide to knock me out of my self induced emotional stupor. I am sure she has a personality disorder in hind sight.
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different response. If you truly wish to move on it requires the courage to accept that the way you are is not working.
To change the world change yourself.
NOW is the time to leave and move on. Anything else is enabling to the abuser and a wrong message to yourself and your children.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" -Anaïs Nin:
I sometimes think that my life has proceeded by way of a series of breakdowns and reconstructions. -Bodhipaksa
This moment is the beginning of the rest of my life. What path will I choose. -ME
Blogs, Bruises, Butts and Bullshit?
One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. Everyone knows this. Each of us contributes her share. But we tend to take the situation for granted. Most people are rather confident of their ability to recognize bullshit and to avoid being taken in by it. So the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern. We have no clear understanding of what bullshit is, why there is so much of it, or what functions it serves. And we lack a conscientiously developed appreciation of what it means to us. In other words – we have no theory.
It seems that bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.
Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant.
Although bullshit can take many innocent forms, excessive indulgence in it can eventually undermine the practitioner’s capacity to tell the truth in a way that lying does not. Liars at least acknowledge that it matters what is true. By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.
Examples "I think I’m dying." "I took the kids and went to a hotel so I could have time to think." "This might be true."
Most blogs are complete bullshit. Blogs, Bruises, Butts and Bullshit. Oh, sorry, that’s my bullshit detector.
The Blog BS Detector
Penelope,
I don’t know you, and only discovered your blog today. I was reading through a number of articles and thoroughly enjoying it, then decided to click “Home.” Well, it took me a minute to figure out that probably really is your hip, and that you weren’t going to pull a “and then I woke up” twist on us. That you were being real.
For those who are like “WTF? How is this about career blogging?” Well, it is obviously very much about what its title says it is about, “The Psychology of Quitting.” If they don’t like reading about it, they don’t have to. But if they do read it, you’ve left them little choice but to deal with it.
This was incredibly brave of you. Writing takes courage. You’ve got bunches. Now, scrape up some of that same courage you used to write this and clieck “publish,” and apply it to your situation. I’m pretty sure you know what you need to do. It is time to do it.
~ Mark
your kids are going to miss you when your husband eventually kills you.
they will not have a mother.
move out and move on, for your kids. so they don’t have to miss you.
Penelope, what would you tell Melissa or another dear friend of yours if this were HER story? What advice – if any – would you give to someone who showed you this bruise? Please treat yourself the same way you would treat your best friend. Through your posts, I have come to like the Farmer very much. I enjoy reading about the changes he has brought to your life and the lives of your sons. However, your relationship has undeniably unraveled. I’m guessing neither of you wanted things to elevate to this level and for that, I’m very sorry for both of you. Do you think it’s possible for you both to find happiness and safety in this relationship again?
There are no easy solutions to complicated problems. Good luck.
I hope you leave.
I feel like I’m really slow but this just clarified something for me. The posts of yours that have always driven me insane were any where you talked about women and men – what you said made no sense to me (I didn’t recognize the men and women I knew in them) and made me so sad because it seemed clear that you didn’t like women, didn’t value women, were convinced on some level that women were less. Now it seems clear – you don’t like or value yourself, how you feel about women as a group is just spill over. That’s why a woman’s opinion or validation will never be as important to you as a man’s.
And now I think, well okay, you can think whatever about women in general (though I’m glad your kids are boys) – but please for the love of God work on valuing and loving yourself. You are valuable – not because the Farmer will miss you, your value is not dependent on his opinion, you are valuable and you can be happy without him and far away from him.
Interesting comment. I think you’ve clarified the feelings/thoughts I had whenever I would read one of P’s posts about women and men and what women’s roles should (inevitably) be.
They would always frustrate me but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Like you say, they never seemed to correlate with the men/women I know (oh sure, some, but not as a rule).
Anyway, thank you for your perspective here.
The farmer is an abuser. PERIOD.
He has not one shred of awareness that he has anger issues and that well-adjusted people get that even when other people’s words or actions upset us, it doesn’t give us a license to behave badly. And beating up someone else is acting very, very badly.
I know, you get this–at least intellectually. And after these incidents, it seems like you feel this truth emotionally too. Based on what you’ll said in postings over the years, though, you have some deep patterns of woundedness that can make it hard to act on what you know.
I’m glad you are in a hotel. That is a good first step. Get reinforcements…meaning someone who can help you find someplace else you and the kids can stay.
And while I don’t feel you should bet on therapy with the Farmer being the answer for now (sounds like he hasn’t hit his personal bottom to be open and ready to make changes in his life), you and the kids need to do it for yourselves.
May a path open and your load lighten…all the best.
Sending
I just listened to a podcast in which you kept nailing some guy on his bullshit and lies about what he wanted to do. You made him realize that he’s been telling himself this elaborate story about why he’s blogging and it’s bullshit. He doesn’t know what he wants to do.
And I am thinking if you read this story you have written (not as giving advice to a girlfriend because really, that is not your forte), you’d press yourself the same way on your reason for not leaving.
You want to be missed? Volunteer at an old folks home or with developmentally delayed kids. Then don’t show up. You’ll be missed.
But that’s not the real reason, is it?
Now’s the time to use your honesty, not put it on hold.
Why don’t you want to leave?
Leaving an abusive family member is one of the hardest things for a human being to do.
Your parents trained you to feel “at home” in violence. They were wrong. They were bad parents to you.
You have to decide now whether to be a good parent or a bad parent to your children. If you go back to “normal” you will be as bad a parent to your kids as your parents were to you. If you want to do better for your kids than was done to you, then call a women’s shelter to get advice on where you can go and what you can do to keep your kids away from him. Oh, and you too….but we both know you care more about your kids than you do yourself, so appealing to your self esteem is a waste of time. You don’t value your needs. OK, fine; hopefully someday you will; until then, protect your children by taking them with you and getting to safety.
First step: temporary safety. Second step: working toward permanent safety.
It may be your fault. You may not have great social skills and be drawn into relationships that have a lot of drama. I don’t think that means you shouldn’t leave. It’s bad chemistry with your husband who also has some responsibility.
Don’t put your kids through this. Be a good example and leave a bad situation even though it’s hard.
I don’t have anything profound to say except that I’m incredibly sorry you’re going through this.
You are a superb writer and there are obviously many people who care about you. You are smart and insightful. Trust your instincts.
Here’s why I left… I left because someone asked me if I wanted to show my little sister it was ok to be in a relationship like that. And then someone told me, “he can’t get better if you don’t tell him he needs to by leaving.” Those two things made sense to me. Because he wasn’t changing while I was there. Maybe if I left he would change?
Also… I could never write that he beat me up. I used to say that he didn’t hit that hard. And he didn’t mean to push me down the stairs. Usually.
Here’s the thing that I really really know… it doesn’t get better when you stay.
Hi Penelope,
I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry this is how it is right now.
I wish I had more to say. But I can’t believe saying anything other then I’m sorry and I am praying for you would be honest.
And I hope today was better than yesterday.
~r
“That's why I can't leave. I want someone to miss me.”
You said it yourself. Your children would miss you, horribly. Your children love you as much as you love them. You already have somebody who would miss you like oxygen.
You, all by yourself, are worth more than you realize right now. But right now, remember that your children love you and value you and think you’re very very important, and that *they* would miss you terribly if the Farmer killed you.
Yes, killed you.
I’m sorry for the situation you’re describing. I remember that your blog helped me a lot when I was feeling bad.. you taught me how to positively analyse a problem, understand what was really important in my life and find a solution to the problem in line with my priorities.. Thank you
Drama queen.
I see you. I miss you when you are away.
Dear Penelope,
You are a superstar.
I miss you.
You should go live with James Altucher.
Or you could bring your kids to Halifax. I will give you a free yoga lesson.
Or go to Montréal and stay with my friend Simon: dawsonkid@gmail.com or girardsimon79@gmail.com.
I’ll say it again: I miss you so much.
Sincerely, Erica slash Exuberant J. Bodhisattva. xoxo.
You will relate to this Savage Garden song – Two Beds and a Coffee Machine
Hope you get out sooner than later.
You can come visit us at the beach in Venice, CA. The couch sleeps 3 people and it’s 75 degrees out today. Just sayin….
I’ve always admired your ability to put your ass on the line – though I never meant it literally. But regardless, you’re a brave, expressive woman.
As someone who writes about personal matters myself, I often wonder whether the attention I get online is ultimately helpful. It strokes the ego, but does it address the loneliness? It’s like eating Pringles when you need veggies. Virtual Pringles at that.
With that said, creative people often write their way out of a problem. I’ve often completely let something go after writing about it, simply by expressing it. It’s transformative and akin to magic. So while your situation isn’t that simple, perhaps its a step of the letting go process.
I also love that you’ve broken the boundaries of a “career blog” and enveloped the idea that we’re humans with a messy life trying to figure it out. It’s ALL part of the picture. You’re bearing it all. Baring it all.
But often I’ve felt – and perhaps you have – I’m bearing it all for people who can’t. Like some emotional martyr. It can feel gross and self-exploitative at times. Especially on the Internet, vast wasteland of bored and bleary vampirical souls.
At the Jersey shore, alone and isolated, I too often feel the need to get the hell out of Dodge before this place eats me alive. The beauty of it only confuses me more, seduces me into a stately mid-state death.
When I read your material, I do wonder whether lively, crazy wild bitches such as ourselves deserve to be elsewhere. Deserve to be celebrated and shedding those old, tired victim/childhood/bullshit skins. Instead of ye olde “therapy” why not a ramped up, vitalized life where we’re surrounded by blazing hot people who feed us energetically as we feed others?
The photo. Sure I felt it was a little over the top. But shouldn’t any real artist push the envelope? Kudos to you for doing this during a trying period. Just don’t eat too many Pringles here. You’re still hungry. So am I.
You know this, but get out. Of course it’s not your fault. He’s an adult, he knows not to hit. My 4-year-old knows that. And you know you are responsible for yourself and your kids. Get out. Yeah, it’s hard, it sucks, but you have to do it. Now.
Dear Mom,
We miss you now and every time he hurts you.
We miss the strong, confident woman that makes sacrifices everyday to homeschool us because you think its the right thing for us.
We miss a stable, loving home.
Please hear us even though we may not have the words or courage to say it.
Maybe it is your fault, maybe it isn’t, but it makes no difference: if it IS your fault (in whatever way) then you need to take responsability and leave, to put and end to the violence. If it is NOT your fault, then you need to leave, to end the violence, as an act of respect, love, and compassion for yourself and your children.
If you haven’t heard or read about the cycle of violence, please do some research. Two cycles — one familial/generational, and the other between the actual partners. I think its empowering to be educated about the undercurrents at violence and abuse. You are far too smart to be caught (and to trap your kids) in cycles.
If you can read french, this post is for you…
http://effetdepresence.blogspot.com/2011/12/la-blogosphere-au-dela-des-convenances.html
I know why you posted that naked picture of your bruised hip.
It talks about what you always want to talk about: reality, sex, esthetics and pain. When people are outraged about seeing the naked butt of a woman over 40 (over a post about anything), that’s part of the discourse. When they’re outraged about the butt and citing it as a reason not to give you credibility or to stop reading, that’s part of the discourse, too. When they like the butt and don’t know what to say about the abuse, that all goes into the percolator.
(That, and I think that at this point you just don’t like taking ugly pictures when you don’t have to.)
I’m concerned about my friend who is in abusive relationship. I don’t know how to help her. I think it’s OK, though, to love the farmer and still leave him. If he’s abusive, he needs help just as much as you do, if a different kind…help that you can’t give. I should know. I relate to his position more than I’d like to admit.
You need and want the Farmer because with him you have recreated the same dynamic as your childhood. He abuses you & blames you for the abuse the same way your parents did.
As much as something inside you craves that dynamic, it is not right. It will never make you happy. It didn’t make you happy as a child, and it won’t now.
You do need to work on yourself, and learn better interpersonal & relationship skills.
But first you need to leave the Farmer. He will never give you what you want.
I say this because I have been in your shoes.
This is the time to follow your head and not your heart.
I don’t know you. I find your advice misguided. But really, if anything you have said in this post about the actions of your partner are true… get away from this guy. If you find yourself rationalizing it’s time to go.
Penelope – I just want to tell you, there is no person on this earth who is easy to live with/be married to. Marriage is hard and many people divorce because of it. And plenty of people also have awful communication skills. So we know there are tons of people out there who are hard to live with (because everyone is) and also suck at communication (because couples therapy exists). But none of those people, including you, deserve to be physically harmed. There are plenty of hard-to-live-with people with poor communications skills out there, married, maybe happily, maybe unhappily, who are not getting the shit kicked out of them.
The Farmer has plenty of options to deal with your hard-to-live-withness. As people have mentioned he could stop talking to you, leave the room, kick you off the farm, change the locks, hit some drywall or inanimate object,go whine to his parents, go whine to a blog…the options are endless, and those aren’t even dipping into the constructive options. Instead, he chooses to beat you. That tells you that he is not interested in solving the problem of beating you. The problem of beating you is the easiest one to solve of all your relationship problems – he could just stop doing it. It’s not rocket science. You aren’t forcing him to beat you. He doesn’t love you enough to do that one, simple, easy thing. So your relationship is never going to improve. This is the best you can ever hope for from The Farmer: a man who will continue to beat you because he cares so little about you he cannot leave a fight without hurting you physically and mentally.
But the best you can hope for from someone else is so much more than this. Consider even your ex, you were just as hard to live with when you were married before, and he managed not to beat you. So you know it’s possible to do better.
nice ass.
I can’t offer a solution: I know all too well the dark, vacuous insatiable soul-wound that cries to be fed and filled. I can’t heal the wound; I can’t give you anything that hasn’t already been given in spades.
You don’t know me. I’ve read your blog for years, commented occasionally. Recently I’ve found the courage to abandon my safer ambitions and take a shot at starting my own company. It feels reckless, and crazy, and impossible, and like the most logical choice imaginable because I think I have an answer to a problem that I can’t believe no one else has thought of yet.
I just turned 30. Children are on the horizon. I’m terrified.
Your blog gives me courage. You give me ideas that I can use because you speak my ENTP language. I value your thoughts and I admire your tenacity. Your alchemy of logic, insight and honesty is invaluable to me.
I can’t heal the wound and I can’t fill the vacuum, but I can offer this: I value you. I need you. I would miss you immeasurably. I can offer that balm, for what it’s worth. I hope it helps.
Laura Schlesinger said that if a man(boyfriend or husband) ever hit her just ONCE, should would break up/leave and never go back. That was her advice to abused women.
Meaning, there would be no second or any other times she would be hit.
Question: Shouldn’t at minimum you stay away until the farmer comes begging, with the understanding, the next time WILL be the LAST TIME?
I read in a biography of Aristole Onasiss that he was having a big fight with his wife or girlfriend with him hitting her in his bedroom. The guy who heard this was a guest on Aristole’s boat heard it while passing the bedroom door, unbeknowst to Aristole.
He hesitated, but it got so violent, he was about to break in a stop him, when they suddenly made up and started having passionate sex.
Some people fight before they have sex because it makes the sex more intense, more passionate, more exciting.
Is this you?
One can deduce from your blog that you are doing the same thing Aristole and his lover did, but in a longer format.
Oh, sorry, delayed refresh,
I apologize.
this reminds me of me, my parents, my childhood, my life now.. no advice, just understanding.
How does a blog like this one make money? Just by plain traffic, or do you have to click the links with the ads?
Maybe that photo has some hope in it. If the subconscious goal was to present something attractive to other men… Well I am no man, but I am assuming it was achieved!
So the good news is that the photo might just be showing us Penelope’s desire to be attractive to OTHER men. Men other than the Farmer. Which indicates that at least somewhere in the complex depths, Penelope is gearing up to start moving on.
You keep repeating the ‘drama’ that nobody cares about you.
This is your construct you keep creating situations in your personal relationships and even with your career (no one cares about you at brazen careerist).
It is a false belief that you have abut yourself, it is not true but you have believed it to be and subconsciously, you are keep creating situations to reinforce it.
You were not born with that belief or construct, you have picked it up and chosen to believe it yourself.
On your blog here you have hundreds if not thousands who care about you. The work you could benefit from is trying to identify the first time you had that belief and then forgive yourself for allowing you to believe a lie all your life.
Best wishes
Gavin Allinson