Living up to your potential
I confess that I don’t feel like I’m working to my potential. And it makes me feel sick. I know the signs. It starts with me not being able to cope with my to-do list. It all looks too overwhelming. So I scale things back: I take out everything that has to do with starting a company.
The next stage of not living up to my potential is that I can’t read anything. I tried to read the New York Times magazine cover story about fixing a marriage. I can’t open it, though. The woman who is the author wrote about her own experience. Fuck. I should have posted about that.
I should have written the post about how our couples therapist fired us because neither of us seems to be capable of getting past our horrible childhoods long enough to connect with someone in a real way. He fired us but then I used my amazing negotiating skills to convince him to take us back and then I had a screaming fit in the therapist’s office and said he’s incompetent and doesn’t give us clear direction. It was a good moment, actually. Because now that I fired him, instead of him firing me, I am fulfilled in my need to ruin relationships with people all around me and I now I have space to let the Farmer get close to me.
Elizabeth Weil, from the New York Times magazine, will get a book deal from her piece. I will get a lot of comments from my paragraph. The comments will be: You should write more about that.
It’s true. I should. I should have a book deal, right? Don’t tell me that, okay? Because first of all I make way more from this blog than I would from a book, so why do I need a book? But I worry that maybe I should have another book because I won’t feel like I’m a real writer until I have a book New York Times book reviewers fawn over.
Should is a dangerous word. Someone once told me there is no word for should in Spanish. Is this right? Surely, though, there is a Spanish way to say I feel like crap because I’m not living up to my potential. After all, Spanish is the language of Catholic guilt. Should is the American way of putting ourselves down in the name of the need to impress other people.
I should be starting another company. Here’s why: I can’t stop thinking of companies. I have a community that is always receptive to my ventures, and I have tons of connections into mainstream media where I could market whatever I come up with.
Instead of all of that, I am homeschooling.
Oh. Please. Please God of Editorial Decisions stop me right now from writing about how sick I am of my kids. Let me write something poetic about the joys of parenting.
I am homeschooling because my job is to be a parent right now. It is such an incredibly boring job. As a whole, the job is enthralling and rewarding and full of joy. But day to day I could cry. Day to day I think, “All my interesting friends are sending interesting emails today and having interesting meetings.”
My kids have such fun days. They are my dream days. Private lessons in everything they are interested in. Reading for hours each day. Wake up with mooing cows, go to bed with star-filled skies.
Sometimes I think of taking skateboarding lessons while my son does. Or swimming while my kids learn racing dives.
If I really hated this life, I’d be changing it.
But all I want to do is write. I don’t feel like I should write, I feel like I have to write or I will die.
So the stuff I think I should do. I’m not doing it because I don’t need to, I guess. I guess I’m blogging because I need to.
I did an experiment last month. My traffic went down 50% because I didn’t do all the little things I usually do to keep traffic up (like write something to get on the homepage of CNN.com). I didn’t post very much. You know what happened? I made more money from my blog last month than I have in forever.
So my blog traffic is not that important. And it’s not that important to post regularly. Except that I have to.
So this is what I’m telling you: There is no should. There is no living up to your potential. There is just doing your life. You can’t do someone else’s life.
If we know our goal, and we know our life, and we are working toward it, then we never talk about our shoulds.
So maybe I can just focus on a single goal: being vulnerable enough with the Farmer to connect with him and get us back into couples therapy. Or maybe living up to my potential is giving my kids great days and giving my husband a good wife. And maybe all I need to do is write this.
I’ve heard couples therapy doesn’t really work all that much down the line, and thats from my own friends who have been in couples therapy and then divorced-there’s some statistic that people separate anyway, from my own therapist she’s told me its better to go separately and learn to modify your own feelings etc. Therapy on my own has worked wonders in my life.
Deberias, Deberias-thats something I hear in my head all the time too (I speak both languages) but its nice to read this blog post because its exactly how I feel day to day lately.
“I was put off by the “f” word in the second paragraph and didn’t finish reading the rest of your post.”
Americans are such puritans, still. Eye roll.
There are good contest. I just love this post. That’s all I can say and I’m going to share this web page.
Bodies do not like obligations, because they require effort. The body would rather be on vacation.
Souls thrive on obligations. It gives a sense of importance, dignity, eternity.
Figure out what’s really important in life. “When you have that clarity, then you’re willing to ignore the body’s complaints — and listen to the yearnings of the soul. And then you’ll identify with the soul’s desire to fulfill obligations” source below… Define “living up to potential first” then you can tell people whether there is such a thing.
http://www.aish.com/sp/48w/48951181.html
Could sounds better than should, don’t you think?
I love you, love you, love. I cannot tell you how much your writing is changing my life. You are so wonderfully real and raw and familiar. I love this material. Thank you!!!!
We women always struggle between family and work. Your family is winning. This is what you want :-) And yes, it’s really freaking hard. I have the same problem. I’ve always wanted to be a Betty Crocker stay-at-home mom, but I was miserable doing it, then got divorced so it didn’t matter anymore. Then I worked and missed my kids, now I’m wanting to be a stay-at-home mom again, if only I could figure out how to afford it.
The list of dilemmas of mothers (and fathers)gets longer and longer, doesn’t it?
All I can say is, let yourself be. We’re way too freaking hard on ourselves as women. If women started supporting each other instead of picking each other apart, the world would heal and come together.
You won’t give a shit about those start-ups in 20 years. You’ll care you had this time with your boys. To all of us imperfect mamas who complain no matter what we do…LOL!!! Love and hugs, none of this is a piece of cake, but learning to relax and go with the flow does help. As does doing this with other women, I go quite batty if I do it alone all the time with my kids. Community is really important. So is time to your self, that is not about work, kids, start-ups. Time alone is very very very important.
Aloha!
“It starts with me not being able to cope with my to-do list. It all looks too overwhelming. “<—-nono…it starts with you HAVING a to-do list. really, most of those things you're probably getting way to stressed about; and, you could get the results you're after – which is, really, the point rather than "doing it" – with more creativity than the stress-inducing to-do of doom. I think so at least.
Hi Penelope
I spent my twenties and thirties homeschooling my three wonderful sons. They are all grown up now (30, 24, 21) and starting families of their own. But I can tell you I have never had any cause to regret giving them that time. It was so worth it! They had joy filled childhoods, we shared so much and still have so much to share, and I would never have it any other way. And the time will fly. It probably doesn’t seem like it, but you blink and they have grown and flown.
echh! Potential keeps me up at night. It scares the **** outta me! I’ve heard my whole life how much potential I have. And now, what am I? A SAHM. Hmmmfff! My kids better appreciate this when I’m 80 and need my diaper changed. Loved this post.
Penelope, this article really hit home for me. This is my first time really reading your site and I’m sure I will be reading a lot more. My girlfriend and I were just having a conversation about how the world tries to pull us in all these different directions. It’s easy to think there are so many things you have to do but you have to focus on what makes you happy and leaves you feeling fulfilled. We only live once after all. Thank you for your refreshing perspective. I really enjoy your writing style and I’m glad the person who sent me here did.
“There is no living up to your potential. There is just doing your life.” I like that statement. Everyone just tries to get through life the best they can. The living up to potential is a bonus,
Wow.
Should is a real dangerous word isn’t it?
Rarely does a sentence come out with the world “should” and it ends up making me feel good.
I agree with you that we need to get past our “should’s” and just be present. But the question is how do we do this? How can we reach a point in our lives where mentally we are able to stop saying “I should” and rather focus on “I will continue to…”
I think it’s complex and takes time. I think as humans we all want to find a deeper purpose in everything we do. But sometimes I don’t even realize how huge something was until years later. Which I guess really drives your previous point home. We go to learn how to be present :).
I really enjoyed this post. I disagree a little bit, though. Never lose sight of the “should.” Just becuase you can’t right now doesn’t mean the time will never be right. Keep a list of the “shoulds” and do as many of them as you can. Put the big stuff – starting your own business – as well as the small stuff – taking a diving lesson – on the same list. You will be surprised as you check them off just how accomplished you are.
Seems like you have been really living life to the fullest, using what you have and even what you dont have. I believe people or women like you can really succeed. You never give up and that will put you to the top. Just keep your head looking up high for yourself and kids. God is there to guide your steps.
By the way, how long have you been running your online business.
I just read this after reading the post about having kids at 25 to be successful. I feel better now. I’m 35. Just starting to DATE. Like, I’ve never had a boyfriend. Have NO intention of ever having kids. (Just got my tubes tied, in fact.) Career starting to take off after years of struggling with mental illness.
This is my life. And it’s fine.
Cute!
japanese has no word for no so you must always show respect to decline something. If spanish has no should, I could see the wisdom that created the language saw the virtue in not persisting in what isn’t.
Homeschool your children’s imagination. Not all intelligence is on paper, and memorized. Not all homeschooled children are lucky so I trust youre gonna let em grow up tough, and not empty handed in experiences. srsly
This post is about to change my life… Thank you.
I have just started reading your blog and you are really confusing. You say there is no should and yet you have a blueprint for a woman’s life and say stuff like we should be married and procreating before 25. How is that “just doing your life”? I don’t get it, are you inconsistent on purpose, flakey or are you trying to be ironic?
Awesome post! I think your great and you know you should really have a book deal. Just kidding. I sort of stumbled upon your blog when I was searching for the reasons of why I did not get admitted into grad school, MFA fine art. Guess I don’t have as much potential as I thought. Well actually I did get in to my top choice but not my safety schools. I’m totally confused now, thanks to this post and others. It’s great! Way better than feeling really sad because everyone I know is starting their careers and I was laid off 2 years ago, currently living back at home and definitely a “starving artist”. Financially not Nutritionally (I could stand to lose a few). I agree with what your saying but if I could only change my brain, like literally. Since the Layoff, I have experienced increasingly strong feeling of inadequacies and regrets about the past. These are hard to overcome with rational thought. I have become increasingly bitter. Hypnotherapy is what I need, or something…my anxiety is through the roof so maybe horse tranquilizers or something of that nature. Unfortunately I don’t think many hypnotherapists would barter, or vets, and I certainty don’t have any money. Furthermore, I seem to be unemployable as I have applied for HUNDREDS of jobs that I am over qualified and over educated for and have yet to be hired for anything except for apple picking. But your right, living up to your potential is bullshit. Maybe my true potential is fruit picking, I already have my own picking bag and it gives you killer back muscles. Think I’ll still go to grad school though, it will buy me a little time so that I can decide what kind of fruit I want to pick for the rest of my life.
The Farmer, LOL. I love how you call him “the Farmer”… This was really funny and fun for me to read in my present set of circumstances. Keep up the good work. This pro’lly sounds like spam, but nooo its not. I’m a real contract writer, I create electronic dance music. I used to create HTML websites, now I’m sitting here having to learn XCODE for the next wave: programming apple IOS apps.. Except I’m really looking forward to marketing my Mother’s artwork through Blogging, POD book publishing, (I have been in publishing and book design for along time) and was looking for really fun stuff to read. Thanks, very aesthetic blog!
This is a tough one for me too. I understand the pull to be there for our children. The guilt and fear that taking on self interests will leave us with less time for our kids. Feeling like a failure as a parent is unbearable. Could exploring outside interest make us better parents? Does living up to our potential means finding the right balance or finding the right perspective…
Nice post!
Once, at a homeschooling picnic, I overheard this conversation between a couple of 9 year old boys:
Jack: My mom got so pissed off at us last week she said “That’s it. You’re going to school. Monday.”
Andy: Yeah, my Mom says stuff like that too.
Jack: They get over it.
Andy: Yep. They do.
I just want to know how to make money blogging — seems like a great gig if you can get it and I want to do it. Also…and this relates to another article you wrote giving advice to women and that is about home schooling – I don’t think you can go around telling everyone they should home school. You’d need a lot of patience and skill and knowledge and inspiration and other things I can’t think of to be good at home schooling. Yeah, some of public education sucks, but kids also learn to learn from different sources and how to get along in life with different personalities. When you home school, you’re saying I am the only one good enough to teach you and your kids could be missing out on some other great inspirational people in their lives aside from you.